Popular Post Chris in VA Posted May 2, 2015 Popular Post Share Posted May 2, 2015 I'm tasked with inviting our extended family to ds' wedding, so I called my sil. We don't speak much since my bro died almost 11 years ago. We used to be very close, but not so much now. There's unresolved hurt on my part. Anyway, it was really a good convo. I just started talking, and before I knew it, we were discussing life in general, and I was able to share some things about my brother and my relationship that I hadn't before--mostly how I didn't feel close to him, and I felt unwanted by him at his deathbed (he had lymphoma and I was there for the last two weeks but made the decision to leave the day before he died--not knowing the end was so near, of course). I withdrew after that, and my wonderful nieces wonder what they did wrong that I didn't really maintain much of a relationship with them. It just hurt so badly to be reminded, every time I encountered them or my sil, of how much my brother really didn't want me. I know, that's kinda selfish. To even be thinking of myself as he lay dying. I felt guilty and so sad that he wouldn't accept my bone marrow but tried to get better by banking his own--the transplant didn't work, and he didn't really ever go into remission. My sil told me, interestingly, that she had talked with his Dr. not too long ago, and the Dr. said he wouldn't have changed anything about the treatment--essentially, that Mark would have gotten a recurrence even if he'd had my marrow. I grieved a long time, and I still do. But today, I talked with her, and shared, as I said, and she has come a long way, too--she has healed. And so very sweetly, when I asked, tearfully, if she thought my nieces would like more of a relationship with me, she said yes. They feel they do have one, but they "want it to be better." I think... I think I may be able to heal. I think there is such grace in love, and today, I saw some I hadn't seen in a while. I have always felt guilty for leaving; I know he didn't want me there, as he was dying, because he didn't want to die. But I know they did want me there, and I left. I did the best I could. So did he. So did she. Lots of tears today. But some light, too. 83 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patches Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 Thankful for the beginning of healing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applethyme Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 Praying that this is the start of an awesome new journey for all of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted May 2, 2015 Author Share Posted May 2, 2015 Thank you. I think it may be a bit of a beginning. Now to work on healing the "other brother" thing. sigh I think this life's purpose is a bit to work out stuff, y'know? I can never fully rest when I am out of fellowship with someone. Perhaps if I worked towards healing, it would release some mental energy. It always seems to hang in the backround, when "things" are not right. My brother is on my Anxiety List. Perhaps if I cleared the air and cleaned the wounds, it would lessen my Anxiety. Capital A. You know, the stuff that is niggling at the back of the mind all the time, using up energy that could be put towards something fulfilling and wonderful. Do you have those things to work on in YOUR life? 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementine Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 Just thinking you will be able to heal is a big first step! I hope things only get better. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 That sounds like it has been weighing you down for so long, Chris. I hope this is the turning point in your relationship with that part of your family, and that you can heal from the bulk of the hurt of losing him. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 What a beautiful thing for you to share. Grace and Light to you. hugs, ann 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corraleno Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reflections Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 Thank you. I think it may be a bit of a beginning. Now to work on healing the "other brother" thing. sigh I think this life's purpose is a bit to work out stuff, y'know? I can never fully rest when I am out of fellowship with someone. Perhaps if I worked towards healing, it would release some mental energy. It always seems to hang in the backround, when "things" are not right. My brother is on my Anxiety List. Perhaps if I cleared the air and cleaned the wounds, it would lessen my Anxiety. Capital A. You know, the stuff that is niggling at the back of the mind all the time, using up energy that could be put towards something fulfilling and wonderful. Do you have those things to work on in YOUR life? Yes. And thanks for sharing. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 I'm tasked with inviting our extended family to ds' wedding, so I called my sil. We don't speak much since my bro died almost 11 years ago. We used to be very close, but not so much now. There's unresolved hurt on my part. Anyway, it was really a good convo. I just started talking, and before I knew it, we were discussing life in general, and I was able to share some things about my brother and my relationship that I hadn't before--mostly how I didn't feel close to him, and I felt unwanted by him at his deathbed (he had lymphoma and I was there for the last two weeks but made the decision to leave the day before he died--not knowing the end was so near, of course). I withdrew after that, and my wonderful nieces wonder what they did wrong that I didn't really maintain much of a relationship with them. It just hurt so badly to be reminded, every time I encountered them or my sil, of how much my brother really didn't want me. I know, that's kinda selfish. To even be thinking of myself as he lay dying. I felt guilty and so sad that he wouldn't accept my bone marrow but tried to get better by banking his own--the transplant didn't work, and he didn't really ever go into remission. My sil told me, interestingly, that she had talked with his Dr. not too long ago, and the Dr. said he wouldn't have changed anything about the treatment--essentially, that Mark would have gotten a recurrence even if he'd had my marrow. I grieved a long time, and I still do. But today, I talked with her, and shared, as I said, and she has come a long way, too--she has healed. And so very sweetly, when I asked, tearfully, if she thought my nieces would like more of a relationship with me, she said yes. They feel they do have one, but they "want it to be better." I think... I think I may be able to heal. I think there is such grace in love, and today, I saw some I hadn't seen in a while. I have always felt guilty for leaving; I know he didn't want me there, as he was dying, because he didn't want to die. But I know they did want me there, and I left. I did the best I could. So did he. So did she. Lots of tears today. But some light, too. Chris, how wonderful!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: what a beautiful blessing for everyone. I hope the healing process continues. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 My brother is on my Anxiety List. Perhaps if I cleared the air and cleaned the wounds, it would lessen my Anxiety. Capital A. You know, the stuff that is niggling at the back of the mind all the time, using up energy that could be put towards something fulfilling and wonderful. Do you have those things to work on in YOUR life? I should, but I ignore it as much as I can instead. It probably isn't the right answer. I'm glad you shared and I hope relationships continue to improve for you - esp to make the wedding coming up wonderful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 Chris, I am so happy for you! One thing I learned when my baby girl died in 2003, was that deaths provoke a lot of negative feelings that are hard to resolve. Some of my closest friendships crumbled when Lydia died. I did not know that was possible previously. There are still some relationships that are not repaired almost 12 years later. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted May 2, 2015 Author Share Posted May 2, 2015 I'm so sorry, Quill. (Actually, I should say Danielle--your post is very personal and deserves your name.) I hope the best for you in the future. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halftime Hope Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 What a wonderful, hopeful post. Thank you for sharing! I have some things that need tending to, so thanks for the gentle reminder. Hugs for you, Chris! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILiveInFlipFlops Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 I have no words, so :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kim in Appalachia Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 I'm tasked with inviting our extended family to ds' wedding, so I called my sil. We don't speak much since my bro died almost 11 years ago. We used to be very close, but not so much now. There's unresolved hurt on my part. Anyway, it was really a good convo. I just started talking, and before I knew it, we were discussing life in general, and I was able to share some things about my brother and my relationship that I hadn't before--mostly how I didn't feel close to him, and I felt unwanted by him at his deathbed (he had lymphoma and I was there for the last two weeks but made the decision to leave the day before he died--not knowing the end was so near, of course). I withdrew after that, and my wonderful nieces wonder what they did wrong that I didn't really maintain much of a relationship with them. It just hurt so badly to be reminded, every time I encountered them or my sil, of how much my brother really didn't want me. I know, that's kinda selfish. To even be thinking of myself as he lay dying. I felt guilty and so sad that he wouldn't accept my bone marrow but tried to get better by banking his own--the transplant didn't work, and he didn't really ever go into remission. My sil told me, interestingly, that she had talked with his Dr. not too long ago, and the Dr. said he wouldn't have changed anything about the treatment--essentially, that Mark would have gotten a recurrence even if he'd had my marrow. I grieved a long time, and I still do. But today, I talked with her, and shared, as I said, and she has come a long way, too--she has healed. And so very sweetly, when I asked, tearfully, if she thought my nieces would like more of a relationship with me, she said yes. They feel they do have one, but they "want it to be better." I think... I think I may be able to heal. I think there is such grace in love, and today, I saw some I hadn't seen in a while. I have always felt guilty for leaving; I know he didn't want me there, as he was dying, because he didn't want to die. But I know they did want me there, and I left. I did the best I could. So did he. So did she. Lots of tears today. But some light, too. Glad to hear it! Healing is good for all of you. (I've lost more than one sibling, so I get it.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinder Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 :grouphug: That was beautiful. Thanks for sharing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RioSamba Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 Thank you for sharing this beautiful conversation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 Thank you for that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 :grouphug: That must be so hard. Glad you are healing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FloridaLisa Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 It's so hard to know how any of us would handle these huge life moments. So glad for such a great bridge that was built today for you and your SIL and neices! Life really is short and relationships are so worth every bit of very hard work. Kudos to you for reaching out! Lisa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Good for you, Love. :) :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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