When people RSVP weeks late...sigh

[PrairieSong]

What do you do when a friend RSVPs just days before your dd's wedding, when the caterer has already been paid for a set number of people? This is a very awkward place to be. I don't understand why someone would do this when the invitations specifically said to respond by April 4th.

[PrairieSong]

This was a family of nine..NINE...and I was kind of freaking out thinking nine extra people might be wanting to come. How do you politely tell them no??? I asked my good friend, who is the mom of the mother who RSVPed and she said only two were coming. A few people (I think four) who thought they could come now cannot, so I guess it will be okay.

 

But what if it wasn't? What do you do when people RSVP almost last minute?

[Tsuga]

Egads!

 

Make it electronic and have the RSVP page expire on the date you have to call the caterer, is my suggestion. And then have it put up a friendly, "We're sorry, but the RSVP page you are seeking expired on such and such a date. We are sorry to miss you but will be happy to have you join us at future events!"

 

 

[PrairieSong]

How do you ignore an RSVP? What I mean is, you don't normally send a response to their RSVP. They send it and you add them to the list. The only other thing to do is contact them and tell them, I'm sorry. It's too late. I didn't do that...but oh my gosh..if anyone else RSVPs at this point I...I just don't know.

[Jean in Newcastle]

You can still respond similarly to what Binip suggested - "We're sorry but the RSVP date of ____________ was set by the caterers and is not something we can override.  We are sorry to miss you but we hope we can get together after the wedding."  

[PrairieSong]

Egads!

 

Make it electronic and have the RSVP page expire on the date you have to call the caterer, is my suggestion. And then have it put up a friendly, "We're sorry, but the RSVP page you are seeking expired on such and such a date. We are sorry to miss you but will be happy to have you join us at future events!"

That's a great idea. I wish we'd thought of that sooner! I'll keep it in mind for the next wedding or other event requiring RSVPs.

[PrairieSong]

BTW, the Facebook save the date event was confusing for some people. A few of them thought they could RSVP there instead of doing what the paper wedding invitations clearly stated. Also...it's just so easy to respond on Facebook. It takes a bit more effort (not that much, but more than clicking a button) to RSVP the other way.

[LucyStoner]

Usually it works out. Enough people will not show due to something sudden that there will be room for the few late RSVPs. Any decent caterer can flex a little on the off chance everyone does show. I have run dozens of catered events, some with as many as 1000+ guests. It's not too big of a deal if 2 extra people come. I would clarify with them if it's 2 or 9 though.

 

I'm not saying it's not frustrating, because it is. I hope everything goes well!

[Beth S]

We had a friend call them and say something like we're sorry, but the RSVPs were due 3 weeks prior and we really didn't have extra room at this point.

Thankfully, the family was understanding.

And now, after hosting a wedding, I have MUCH more compassion on hosts & I RSVP diligently!

[Carrie12345]

I'm in charge of invites for my sister's baby shower.  Based on all the stories I've read in the past couple of years, I put an RSVP date of 2 weeks before the day and fully intend to hunt people down after it.  Any emails/voicemails, etc. will include "If I don't hear from you by such and such date, I will put you down as 'no'."  I don't care if it's obnoxious of me. Friends and family know me.  I'm fine with matching rude with rude.  :tongue_smilie:

 

The idea of adding 9 to a wedding is extra obnoxious.

[marbel]

Usually it works out. Enough people will not show due to something sudden that there will be room for the few late RSVPs. Any decent caterer can flex a little on the off chance everyone does show. I have run dozens of catered events, some with as many as 1000+ guests. It's not too big of a deal if 2 extra people come. I would clarify with them if it's 2 or 9 though.

 

I'm not saying it's not frustrating, because it is. I hope everything goes well!

 

Agree with this.  I would call the caterer.  Most likely they will shrug it off because they know the headcount may change.

 

It is rude, and it is frustrating.  When I got married we had "heavy hors d'oeuvres" instead of a sit-down meal.  Part of that was because we knew the headcount might change.  It ended up evening out, with last-minute people showing up but a few people not bothering to come. 

 

[PrincessMommy]

You can still respond similarly to what Binip suggested - "We're sorry but the RSVP date of ____________ was set by the caterers and is not something we can override.  We are sorry to miss you but we hope we can get together after the wedding."  

 

I think that since the caterers had already been told a head count this is what I would do.

 

That said, at my dd's wedding, we had people RSVP that they were coming and they didn't show up!  Never said anything about why...just didn't come.  I was not happy..  Catering a wedding is not cheap.    We still had people who never RSVP'd that showed up to the wedding too, and the caterer made more because apparently that happens more often than not.  Also, there were a couple people who brought a "date" even though their invitation didn't state +1. 

 

RSVP is no guarantee.

[justasque]

If I haven't heard from someone, I follow up (and put that task into my schedule so I expect to have to do it). Yes, they should reply without it, but I am not perfect so I don't expect others to be. It also gives an opportunity to answer questions about the event. (I try to give as many details in the invite as possible; some Ive gotten recently were lacking critical info such as whether there would be a meal; something it is useful to know when you are traveling a significant distance.)

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[justasque]

If I haven't heard from someone, I follow up (and put that task into my schedule so I expect to have to do it). Yes, they should reply without it, but I am not perfect so I don't expect others to be. It also gives an opportunity to answer questions about the event. (I try to give as many details in the invite as possible; some Ive gotten recently were lacking critical info such as whether there would be a meal; something it is useful to know when you are traveling a significant distance.)

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Annie G]

I think that since the caterers had already been told a head count this is what I would do.

 

That said, at my dd's wedding, we had people RSVP that they were coming and they didn't show up!  Never said anything about why...just didn't come.  I was not happy..  Catering a wedding is not cheap.    We still had people who never RSVP'd that showed up to the wedding too, and the caterer made more because apparently that happens more often than not.  Also, there were a couple people who brought a "date" even though their invitation didn't state +1. 

 

RSVP is no guarantee.

What is the protocol for not attending after saying you were coming?  Our kids were sick the night before a wedding and we were all up all night with barfing kids, so there was no way we were going to the wedding less than 24 hours later. I didn't call anyone because I was just a guest and I thought it would be a rude interruption of their special day to call and tell them we weren't coming.  We caught up with them a couple of weeks later and they were fine about it. But I wonder what the protocol is- who are you supposed to call and how late is too late? I get if you RSVP and then find out a week in advance that you can't come then calling the MOB or someone would be polite. 

 

I have friends who seem to frequently say on Friday night that they are 'supposed' to attend a wedding the next day but they don't know if they will or not. That totally annoys me!!!  I hope they are not really ditching weddings but rather just trying to throw in my face that they get invited to lots of weddings.  

 

I make cakes and brides usually order more than they need and say that they want to have extra in case unexpected people show up.  I always want to ask why they are concerned about feeding wedding crashers! 

[PrairieSong]

What is the protocol for not attending after saying you were coming? Our kids were sick the night before a wedding and we were all up all night with barfing kids, so there was no way we were going to the wedding less than 24 hours later. I didn't call anyone because I was just a guest and I thought it would be a rude interruption of their special day to call and tell them we weren't coming. We caught up with them a couple of weeks later and they were fine about it. But I wonder what the protocol is- who are you supposed to call and how late is too late? I get if you RSVP and then find out a week in advance that you can't come then calling the MOB or someone would be polite.

 

I have friends who seem to frequently say on Friday night that they are 'supposed' to attend a wedding the next day but they don't know if they will or not. That totally annoys me!!! I hope they are not really ditching weddings but rather just trying to throw in my face that they get invited to lots of weddings.

 

I make cakes and brides usually order more than they need and say that they want to have extra in case unexpected people show up. I always want to ask why they are concerned about feeding wedding crashers!

Kids getting sick at the last minute can't be helped. Of course you couldn't go. I wouldn't call in that case because everything has been set. Food has been ordered and prepared, or in the process of being prepared. The wedding couple and their families are busy. I would do exactly what you did, apologize and explain after the wedding. That's such a different scenario than saying you will come but ditching because you just don't feel like going.

[PrairieSong]

Usually it works out. Enough people will not show due to something sudden that there will be room for the few late RSVPs. Any decent caterer can flex a little on the off chance everyone does show. I have run dozens of catered events, some with as many as 1000+ guests. It's not too big of a deal if 2 extra people come. I would clarify with them if it's 2 or 9 though.

 

I'm not saying it's not frustrating, because it is. I hope everything goes well!

Thanks. I think I will gently let her know that I am happy that they can come, but that it is much easier for everyone to RSVP on time because the caterer needs this information. At least ours is not a plated dinner with assigned seating, like the wedding we attended a couple weeks ago. Not sure how that would work out for wedding crashers.

[vonfirmath]

How do you ignore an RSVP? What I mean is, you don't normally send a response to their RSVP. They send it and you add them to the list. The only other thing to do is contact them and tell them, I'm sorry. It's too late. I didn't do that...but oh my gosh..if anyone else RSVPs at this point I...I just don't know.

 

Couldn't you say "I'm sorry, its too late to change the numbers for the caterers. But we'd love to have you at the ceremony if you still want to attend

[Tsuga]

That's a great idea. I wish we'd thought of that sooner! I'll keep it in mind for the next wedding or other event requiring RSVPs.

 

I'd never have thought of it if you hadn't posted this. You saved me the trouble.

[shawthorne44]

I think that since the caterers had already been told a head count this is what I would do.

 

That said, at my dd's wedding, we had people RSVP that they were coming and they didn't show up!  Never said anything about why...just didn't come.  I was not happy..  Catering a wedding is not cheap.    We still had people who never RSVP'd that showed up to the wedding too, and the caterer made more because apparently that happens more often than not.  Also, there were a couple people who brought a "date" even though their invitation didn't state +1. 

 

RSVP is no guarantee.

 

I remember the people that RSVP'ed Yes and then didn't show to the wedding.  That is a huge social sin in my book.  

[PrincessMommy]

What is the protocol for not attending after saying you were coming?  Our kids were sick the night before a wedding and we were all up all night with barfing kids, so there was no way we were going to the wedding less than 24 hours later. I didn't call anyone because I was just a guest and I thought it would be a rude interruption of their special day to call and tell them we weren't coming.  We caught up with them a couple of weeks later and they were fine about it. But I wonder what the protocol is- who are you supposed to call and how late is too late? I get if you RSVP and then find out a week in advance that you can't come then calling the MOB or someone would be polite. 

 

I have friends who seem to frequently say on Friday night that they are 'supposed' to attend a wedding the next day but they don't know if they will or not. That totally annoys me!!!  I hope they are not really ditching weddings but rather just trying to throw in my face that they get invited to lots of weddings.  

 

I make cakes and brides usually order more than they need and say that they want to have extra in case unexpected people show up.  I always want to ask why they are concerned about feeding wedding crashers! 

 

The protocol would be to call and say your family is sick and you cannot come. Even doing this after the fact to explain your unexpected absence is nice.  I think it's rude to just not show up and never give an explanation.   This is what happened to us.  And, I've talked with this person 2-3x since the wedding.  Certainly people understand illness and other unexpected things...but letting the hosts know is polite.

 

[Annie G]

The protocol would be to call and say your family is sick and you cannot come. Even doing this after the fact to explain your unexpected absence is nice.  I think it's rude to just not show up and never give an explanation.   This is what happened to us.  And, I've talked with this person 2-3x since the wedding.  Certainly people understand illness and other unexpected things...but letting the hosts know is polite.

 

 

I didn't call the day of the wedding but I should have called within couple of days of the event. That was rude on my part, for sure.  

 

We're getting a lot of Facebook and other invites that require a RSVP (not weddings, mostly graduations and such), and I have found a few times that after we RSVP with a yes we find we can't go. If it's in enough time before an event I let the host know, but I recently had two events the same day (different times) and while we originally could make both, something came up and we wouldn't be attending either one. I called the first host and was asked WHY I couldn't come and I was floored because I just wasn't expecting to be quizzed.  The other was a Facebook invite and I changed my reply to 'not attending' and got a message from the mom asking why we weren't coming. 

 

So here's my question now- I explained to the MOB that my kids were sick and we didn't make it because of that.  But with graduations and such, am I expected to give an explanation?  Both were open house events- one for a graduation and the other for a birthday, and we called before the event to say we wouldn't be able to come.  

 

I need an etiquette book! You'd think that by this age I would have this figured out but it seems like things keep changing.

[Trish]

My recollection from my wedding (which was big) was receiving a reply from most people, and contacting anyone who didn't reply. The reason for this was -- did they get the invitation? Mail delivery isn't perfect. Did they forget? Did they think they replied but didn't?

 

This gave us an accurate head count. I don't get just wondering.

 

As to last minute change of mind -- this puts more stress on the seating arrangements than the food. Our caterer said they would take any last minute changes, and that it would be helpful to know that.

 

[Tess in the Burbs]

well, I didn't get a lot of RSVPs for my wedding.  We ran out of food.  So I would think the caterer could deal with a late number adjustment better than no notice.  

[Robin M]

Can't you say thank you and you are welcome to come to the wedding, but not the reception? If it is a sit down dinner, then you need to be a bit more hard core rather than if it is a buffet. Or they can come later after the dinner part. Although if I remember from my wedding 18 some odd years ago, a couple people showed up who didn't rsvp and the restaurant adjusted, the bill, so it wasn't a problem.

[goldberry]

I heard recently of a couple who had over 60 rsvps yes, and yet only had about 40 at the wedding.  That's a lot of money lost!

 

Not responding and them coming, responding and then not coming = RUDE RUDE RUDE.  And, if we are talking about Christians, they should be letting their yes mean yes unless there are extraordinary circumstances.  Not just hmmm, let me see if something better comes along.

[Renthead Mommy]

 

Not responding and them coming, responding and then not coming = RUDE RUDE RUDE.  And, if we are talking about Christians, they should be letting their yes mean yes unless there are extraordinary circumstances.  

 

 

True, rude of anyone.  But what? Christians should know better, and well the rest of you heathens and other religions or no religions, what we shouldn't know better? You expect less of them in the manners camp if they aren't christians?  Interesting....

[gardenmom5]

This was a family of nine..NINE...and I was kind of freaking out thinking nine extra people might be wanting to come. How do you politely tell them no??? I asked my good friend, who is the mom of the mother who RSVPed and she said only two were coming. A few people (I think four) who thought they could come now cannot, so I guess it will be okay.

 

But what if it wasn't? What do you do when people RSVP almost last minute?

 

 

I'm so sorry, you will not be able to join us as all details were set on april 4th and we didn't know you wanted to be included.  we will miss you on our special day.

especially if it was a group of NINE people?  (what were they thinking?  even if they weren't sure who was coming within their group - they should still have rsvp'd)  there are restaurants I wouldn't go to with a group that size without a reservation.

 

yes, I've known people who are that blunt.  there is such a lassaize-faire attitude towards rsvps these days.

 

eta: with a sit-down dinner and a seating plan, it would be a stickler for rsvp. it's not just the food "crashers" mess up.  for just tables and a buffet - you can't stop crashers eating, and you want to make sure the guests who actually bothered to rsvp have enough to eat.

[gardenmom5]

True, rude of anyone.  But what? Christians should know better, and well the rest of you heathens and other religions or no religions, what we shouldn't know better? You expect less of them in the manners camp if they aren't christians?  Interesting....

 

 

I'm Christian - and completely agree.  I find the prospect "Christians should know better" - offensive.  

 

civilized people. period.  should know better.  religion shouldn't even matter.

[gardenmom5]

The protocol would be to call and say your family is sick and you cannot come. Even doing this after the fact to explain your unexpected absence is nice.  I think it's rude to just not show up and never give an explanation.   This is what happened to us.  And, I've talked with this person 2-3x since the wedding.  Certainly people understand illness and other unexpected things...but letting the hosts know is polite.

 

 

or jot a note about how sorry you were to miss the event.

 

no contact of any kind implies you deliberately skipped because something more interesting came up.

 

 

eta: I've seen so many instances people using "Illness" as a "polite" reason for skipping something - but it's just an excuse that "sounds" polite.  I recall one day talking to some who invited me to go lark, and I declined because I was sick. only when I told her I was buried under 11 blankets trying to warm up from fever chills did she believe it wasn't an excuse.

[gardenmom5]

 

 

So here's my question now- I explained to the MOB that my kids were sick and we didn't make it because of that.  But with graduations and such, am I expected to give an explanation?  Both were open house events- one for a graduation and the other for a birthday, and we called before the event to say we wouldn't be able to come.  

 

I need an etiquette book! You'd think that by this age I would have this figured out but it seems like things keep changing.

even for graduations - you don't know what is involved for the family to be able to invite you, or the hassle it will give them to change things. - and if they're paying caterers, your presence (or lack of) costs them money.

 

you were also likely being grilled because so many people cancel rsvps because of better offers of entertainment - not legitimate and understandable reasons.

 

 

hie thee to miss manners.  (aka: Judith Martin)

 

she will also teach you how to say "no".   and be excruciatingly polite while doing so.  ;p

 

I <3 miss manners

[Guest]

I heard recently of a couple who had over 60 rsvps yes, and yet only had about 40 at the wedding. That's a lot of money lost!

 

Not responding and them coming, responding and then not coming = RUDE RUDE RUDE. And, if we are talking about Christians, they should be letting their yes mean yes unless there are extraordinary circumstances. Not just hmmm, let me see if something better comes along.

I'll raise you one. Over 70 people rsvp'd for our wedding, so we used the big chapel. Only 30 attended, which was the perfect size for the historical, smaller chapel. So my wedding looked enormously empty and a ton of food was wasted - we had martinellis a good two years after the fact, and napkins twice as long. Turning the corner with my dad to see half the church empty was... slightly depressing.

[PrairieSong]

I'll raise you one. Over 70 people rsvp'd for our wedding, so we used the big chapel. Only 30 attended, which was the perfect size for the historical, smaller chapel. So my wedding looked enormously empty and a ton of food was wasted - we had martinellis a good two years after the fact, and napkins twice as long. Turning the corner with my dad to see half the church empty was... slightly depressing.

Hmm..makes me wonder how many of those who said they would come will change their minds. I guess we could be eating Italian for a while.

[indigomama]

Wow, I never really realized how important head counts were. I must be from a very relaxed area, but when we sent out our wedding invites, I didn't really pay attention to who exactly did or didn't RSVP, and I didn't pay attention to those that actually came or not. We ended up having to set up 3 or 4 extra tables because random people came. No one thought it was a big deal. But, we had a large potluck style and there was a ton of food. That is how most weddings I've been to are. 

 

 

ETA: I do always RSVP as soon after receiving the invite as I can.

[goldberry]

True, rude of anyone.  But what? Christians should know better, and well the rest of you heathens and other religions or no religions, what we shouldn't know better? You expect less of them in the manners camp if they aren't christians?  Interesting....

 

 

I'm Christian - and completely agree.  I find the prospect "Christians should know better" - offensive.  

 

civilized people. period.  should know better.  religion shouldn't even matter.

 

 

Sorry if that came across that way.  Not intended.  I was thinking that some people aren't taught very good manners, and can say, well I didn't know, etc.etc.  In our congregation, it is discussed that manners and yes means yes are part of Christian principles.  Those people can't say they didn't know or were never taught.   I am aware that also not all Christians are even taught that, I was thinking specifically of my particular group of acquaintances.

 

Bit of a stretch though, that I expect less manners of non-Christians?   No.

[gardenmom5]

Makes me appreciate how small LDS temple weddings are (the reception is whole 'nother  story).

we invited around 40 people for dd's wedding saturday - and that's about how many were there. but those are almost all verbal invitations. 

 

despite me getting so sick - things went off amazingly well.  the groom's mother and I unknowingly ended up with the same dress (I wore long underwear and sheepskin slippers under mine) - in different colors.  (more a reflection on the market) groom/dsil thought it was horrible and we couldn't have the same dress.  dsil  :chillpill: . I thought it was hysterical.  so did his mom.

[justasque]

The general rule for guests would be that the more the hostess knows about your plans, the better.  If you can't come at the last minute because your family of nine are all throwing up, that might mean that the hostess can graciously say "yes" to the family of three who just took in six orphans and wants to bring them along, you know?  Nowadays it's easy to send a quick text to the mob or the mog or whoever you're closest to and have text info for, without creating a major interruption.

The general rule for hosts would be to expect up-front to have to double-check on the "didn't reply" folks before the caterer's deadline, because, as a pp noted, there could be all kinds of reasons for the lack of a reply, including either the invite or the reply being lost in the mail.  Annoying as it can be, people aren't perfect and there's no point in stressing over expecting them to be.  (And if it's an event to which mostly teens are invited, you can often expect even more uncertainty in the whole process.) 

[weddell]

We got a wedding invitation from my brother-in-law (dh's brother) that said to RSVP by Nov 18th. The postmark on the invitation itself was Nov 19th and we didn't receive it until the 21st... I guess we should've gone back in time to RSVP.

 

But nothing about that wedding followed the manners book.

[PrairieSong]

Wow, I never really realized how important head counts were. I must be from a very relaxed area, but when we sent out our wedding invites, I didn't really pay attention to who exactly did or didn't RSVP, and I didn't pay attention to those that actually came or not. We ended up having to set up 3 or 4 extra tables because random people came. No one thought it was a big deal. But, we had a large potluck style and there was a ton of food. That is how most weddings I've been to are.

 

 

ETA: I do always RSVP as soon after receiving the invite as I can.

Head counts wouldn't be as important for a potluck. I'd still want to know how much cake to order though. Ours is buffet style and we are paying the caterer per head. They need to know how much food to make.

[Renai]

even for graduations - you don't know what is involved for the family to be able to invite you, or the hassle it will give them to change things. - and if they're paying caterers, your presence (or lack of) costs them money.

 

you were also likely being grilled because so many people cancel rsvps because of better offers of entertainment - not legitimate and understandable reasons.

 

 

hie thee to miss manners.  (aka: Judith Martin)

 

she will also teach you how to say "no".   and be excruciatingly polite while doing so.  ;p

 

I <3 miss manners

 

For graduations, sometimes the graduate is only given a certain number of invitations. If you can't make it, they need to know so they can call up someone else who might wanted to come.

 

I had purchased student tickets for one of my dd's shows at a discount. I was only allowed 4, so picked people who kept saying how much they wanted to see her. Two didn't bother to show up, and shrugged it off (my neighbors, whom my kids call Uncle and Auntie!). I was pissed. If they had bothered to tell me they changed their minds, I could have invited two other people. The tickets were in my name at the box office, so anyone could have been given those seats with enough notice.

[Cera]

Respond politely but firmly.  "I'm sorry.  We would have loved to have you at the event but the RSVP deadline has long passed and we simply can't change the headcount at this time."

[PrairieSong]

Well..so..I talked to my daughter and she said several people have let her know just yesterday that they're not coming after all. Some friend is having a music gig so they're going to that instead. I don't think a lot of people consider the fact that you've already paid for their food. If something more interesting comes along they change their plans.

[Annie G]

They're picking a music gig over dd's wedding?  How rude!!! I'm so sorry!

[goldberry]

Well..so..I talked to my daughter and she said several people have let her know just yesterday that they're not coming after all. Some friend is having a music gig so they're going to that instead. I don't think a lot of people consider the fact that you've already paid for their food. If something more interesting comes along they change their plans.

 

:glare:  I've been there.   :grouphug:

[Farrar]

The last wedding I attended, someone seated at my table was rumored to have RSVP'ed that morning. In his defense, he might have had somewhere else to be, but still. He was someone I knew from back in school and we were all laughing that clearly he had not really changed that much. But it was a buffet. That's why buffets are better.

[PrairieSong]

They're picking a music gig over dd's wedding? How rude!!! I'm so sorry!

I know. I think it's pretty nervy to tell the bride you chose a music gig over her wedding. She's regretting having sent out some of the invitations but what's done is done.

[Word Nerd]

Well..so..I talked to my daughter and she said several people have let her know just yesterday that they're not coming after all. Some friend is having a music gig so they're going to that instead. I don't think a lot of people consider the fact that you've already paid for their food. If something more interesting comes along they change their plans.

How rude! If you're going to flake out, you could at least refrain from telling the bride some band performance is more important than her wedding.