Splitting up a family (temporarily)?

[LMV]

I think that the problem with posting this here for feedback is that there is a strong, maternal bias. (and possibly other biases also) You should find a forum/community of Army families, or something and ask there. You will want to gather feedback from people who are doing, have done, or have openly considered doing what you are thinking of doing, not from those who just shudder at the idea alone. Or worse, make comments that are ridiculous or somewhat shaming :rolleyes:

 

 

 

I think this could be very helpful from a logistical standpoint.  My stepson was active duty military for a period but this was before he met his wife and long before they adopted their son so I really don't have a good sense of the actual day to logistics of this.  My stepson also was deployed into the middle east for the majority of his service period so that makes the situation very different than your husband's situation.

[lovinmyboys]

I agree. The fact that it is being considered says a lot about the relationship between the mother and the child.

Being serious: I would love to know what it says about my relationship with my child.

[Seasider]

I agree. The fact that it is being considered says a lot about the relationship between the mother and the child.

Whoa, ouch. This was unnecessary.

[LMV]

 

 

I, as a single dad, get sick and tired of the anti-dad bias in our society, so I'm trying my hardest to keep my personal feelings out of this. I think that I would seriously investigate the logistics of this with my spouse and not make a decision until I had more facts about what my family in this situation could expect. I wouldn't mention it to the kids of course, but I would talk this over with a close confidant, if I could.

 

Societal perceptions and presumed ideals can be weird sometimes. My husband's son was four when his first wife was killed.  I'm sure he had been involved and loving dad before (I honestly didn't know him them but based on who he is and things my stepson says about the times when both his parents were alive this fits) but in a moment a he had no choice but to be the best single dad he could.  When I met him later I would have said he was stepping up to the challenge well. Even so, when we married I know several people presumed and shared with me their belief that he was remarrying so he would have someone to raise his son.  In reality, we married because we loved each and believed we could build a life together.  His son was always part of that life together we were/are building and I can't imagine he would have ever really considered marrying a woman who didn't share that vision but he wasn't looking to abdicate his own parental responsibility in any sense.

[Katy]

If you need a break and your DH is excited about it, and logistics regarding duty time, etc would work out, it sounds like it might be great.  Nothing like more time with dad for DS to learn how to behave.

[Gil]

I wasn't talking about dad-shaming, I was talking about comments, directed at the OP, that I perceived as shaming.

LOL GIL. Mothers are too emotional to answer questions and resort to dad-shaming. Ya'know many of us here *are* military families and *do,* as was said, have especially difficult, time consuming and emotionally draining children.

 

There are a lot of good reasons not to do this, and it has nothing to do with "dad-shaming."

 

Re-adjustment issues are very real. And very difficult. And delaying it doesn't get you out of it. ***AND! many of us have already BTDT with the military suddenly changing plans, and you and your whole family is just left in the lurch. IIRC the OP didn't even necessarily think they would be in this poistion--hub gone for a year-- until they were already in it. So if something changes while the child is away with dad, mom is going to have to move heaven and earth to get son home, because I guarantee that the military isn't going to care what you individual situation is.

 

 

[Annie G]

It's worth investigating.  Your ds could get some quality time with dad, (hey, he might be gone all day but it's still a lot more time spent with dad than if he stays home with you) and you could parent three kids instead of four.   

 

I actually think four is a better age to do this than if he was a teen.  Teens might mourn leaving friends, activities, and school behind. Your boy would miss his siblings but would have kids to play with all day. And dad all to himself on days off. 

 

I also think it would be good for dh! Plus, it's five months...that's not really that long. 

 

 

 

[Amira]

I have to agree with Gil here. I didn't feel like he was saying people here were dad-shaming, but there have been a lot of comments to the effect that sending a child to live with dad was somehow separating him from the family. Dad is family! If the parents can't live together, why is inherently better that children are with mom than dad? Of course individual circumstances matter, and I think the military parents here have addressed those issues well, but dads are important parents too.

[Joker]

My girls are teen but would love to have a parent to themselves for a few months. My dad traveled a lot and was gone for weeks/months at a time when I was little and I loved the times he took one or two of us with him.

 

I think if your dh is excited about it and can work it out with his schedule then it could be a great thing. It says absolutely nothing negative about you as a mom or your relationship with your children.

[Farrar]

I never said his father wasn't his father or that homeschooling is best or any of these other assumptions of yours about my proclivity toward traditional family structures. LOL :) If his father was here asking about being separated from his kids for a year for work, I would point out that he'd miss them, too. There's no paradigm to be falsely made; I was only talking to the one parent who seemed, to me, to be minimizing how much she'd likely miss her child, and who was here asking for thoughts.

 

I thought her child needed her because of his behavior, not because I assume that "moms are better."

 

But can he need his dad because of his behavior instead?

 

In the end, the positives of being home with mom (who is around more) and siblings (who wouldn't be going) and the possibility that the logistics might not be the best with dad may be a good reason for him not to go. I guess I just am seeing a - perfectly understandable - bias that being with the mother in and of itself is better and this sentiment is an example. Why is the mother more equipped to help his behavior? Or why is she more likely to solve the problem? Or why is the father less likely to? Or is it somehow more important that he have bonding time with his mother so that she be the one to "solve" it? And if so, why?

 

I think most people, pro and con here, including you, Tibbie, are bringing up good points. But I think Gil is right that there's a bias that "mother is best" being presented as well.

[Ausmumof3]

I agree. The fact that it is being considered says a lot about the relationship between the mother and the child.

You might have missed the earlier thread from this poster, but I think it says more about a family in a very difficult set of circumstances, needing some kind of outside help to get through.

[Carol in Cal.]

Kids this age bond with those who they are around the most.

The mother here is staying home and homeschooling, and the dad is out of the house a great deal of the time, not just 9-5 even.

That being so, the mom is the comfort parent at this age for this family. The dad would be if the way they spend their time was reversed.

 

There is nothing emotional about these views, which are based on observations of many, many children at that age as well as readings and studies in childhood development over the years.  

 

 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

But can he need his dad because of his behavior instead?

 

In the end, the positives of being home with mom (who is around more) and siblings (who wouldn't be going) and the possibility that the logistics might not be the best with dad may be a good reason for him not to go. I guess I just am seeing a - perfectly understandable - bias that being with the mother in and of itself is better and this sentiment is an example. Why is the mother more equipped to help his behavior? Or why is she more likely to solve the problem? Or why is the father less likely to? Or is it somehow more important that he have bonding time with his mother so that she be the one to "solve" it? And if so, why?

 

I think most people, pro and con here, including you, Tibbie, are bringing up good points. But I think Gil is right that there's a bias that "mother is best" being presented as well.

 

Generally, of course. Specifically, as far as behaving perfectly for the whole world except mom, mirrored (to me) the instance when that was the case with my own child and it meant that he needed more of me (not of a woman, not of a mother, not of a female-gender-identifying person, but me, specifically), not less. I believe others who have raised dc with ADHD, autism spectrum, and/or sensory issues have intended the same as I did -- to tell her that kids with extra needs will pick their "safe" person and they need that person.

 

I'm happy to own my biases but I swear to God I was talking to this mom about her particular child without intending to say that the father is less of a parent or that the child needs his male parent less.

[Ausmumof3]

Personally, I'm not biased against dad care so much as biased against mostly outsourcing care to preschool or child are, to the degree that would be required in this situation. No issue with it if someone needs a break, but choosing all day care over home care from a parent seems like a big change. That said, I remember your post and I can totally imagine how overwhelmed I'd be feeling and looking for any kind of help I can get. I just wonder if this might complicate your situation more than it will help.

 

I do think the suggestion to seek out a military family support group for advice is a really good one.

[Carol in Cal.]

"Many of the moms on this thread are, understandably, responding emotionally. I would encourage you to reach out to others for feedback where the responces (sic) aren't coming from an overwhelming majority of emotion."

 

Regarding this quote, it has been a long time since I have seen a man accuse women implicitly of being too emotional to be rational.  That reflects a significant bias, and should be reconsidered.

[Farrar]

It says it is contentious and difficult.

 

As for bias, in most homeschool families the mother is in fact the primary "default" parent. To replace a sahm with day care and dad at night would be fairly traumatic for most kids in families where primary caregiver is mom

 

 

I think that's unfair to the OP. Sometimes having a little time apart is the answer. The right answer. It helps people bond more. Also it sounds like the OP is trying to explore her options in helping her kid - not trying to abandon him or ship him off. Many homeschool families use preschool for various reasons. And the situation thus far for the father has been normal working hours, meaning that she's not anticipating him being in daycare "day and night." She's anticipating him having some bonding time with his dad.

 

Of course, sometimes holding on tighter is the answer when things are going wrong. But it's hard to know in the moment. Again, I don't think that either course of action seems automatically better.

Edited December 5, 2014 by Susan Wise Bauer
Removed quoted & deleted content.

[Amira]

It says it is contentious and difficult.

 

As for bias, in most homeschool families the mother is in fact the primary "default" parent. To replace a sahm with day care and dad at night would be fairly traumatic for most kids in families where primary caregiver is mom

 

I disagree quite strongly with the assumptions being made here.

 

My dh has a high likelihood in the future of working in places where our entire family won't be able to go with him, but it's possible that one child could go with him. I certainly hope that my willingness to consider the idea of doing that wouldn't make everyone around me think that I had a contentious and difficult relationship with the child who went with him, any more than I assume that a parent who voluntarily takes a temporary assignment away from his or her family is trying to avoid them for a while.

Edited December 5, 2014 by Susan Wise Bauer
Removed quoted & deleted content.

[JuanitaL]

So far, dh has worked pretty normal hours. It is the army so things could always change, but he doesn't anticipate having to work lots of crazy hours. I definitely don't want DS to spend all his waking hours at daycare, but as of right now I don't think that is the case.

 

 

 

Normal Army hours? Or normal civilian hours? Does he not do early morning PT? Have to do PT on his own? Never been called in for a 6 a.m. drug test? No early morning formations of any kind?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(If the answer to all of those is no - then my next question would be is he an officer? :smilielol5: :gnorsi: )

 

[Carol in Cal.]

Sending a four year old away from his or her primary care giver is very different from sending a ten year old.

Exactly.

[Stacia]

I think it's perfectly valid & loving to consider this option. A lot has already been said & I've 'liked' various posts that agree with my sentiments.

 

Just popping in to say that kids are pretty resilient. I think a 4yo can roll with changes pretty well, especially assuming that the whole family presents it in a positive light.

 

If you think it will be a win-win for your family, try it. It's not an irreversible decision from what it sounds like. If it really isn't working, you can readjust the arrangements again.

[Amira]

I think it's perfectly possible that a four-year-old might consider dad, even a dad who's been gone for months, his primary caregiver. My dh isn't a secondary caregiver in our family even though he's not here as often as I am, and I don't think that even my 6yo would automatically choose to live with me instead of him. I may be defining primary caregiver differently than many people would though.

 

I believe most families would choose the stay-with-mom option, and I don't have a problem with that at all, but it's nice to be able to make different choices without people making negative assumptions about family relationships.

[Gil]

Sorry, I thought you were referring to the anti-dad bias you mentioned. That's my mistake.

No biggie, and certainly nothing to begrudge. Misunderstandings happen all the time.

 

It still doesn't sit that you said mothers are too emotional to give reasoned advice, though I do understand that you were not necessarily referring to what I thought you were referring to. I'm not WORKED UP like a woman  (   ;-)  I'm just pickin'  ) about it, but it doesn't sit well.  No big overall.

I'm sorry, at the time that I replied, I was trying to be conscious enough to not be mean. This is a serious topic and I didn't want some to feel belittled because their ideals don't align with mine.

 

As for saying 'moms' specifically in my first reply--its an acquired habit, since most of the threads refer to the members collectively as 'ladies', 'moms' etc, even though there are ( a few) dads on this board. Maybe I shouldn't have said, 'moms' using parents would have been better, but thanks for making this reply so I know we are on the same page.

 

OP, honey, one way or another it will work out alright. My heart goes out to you, for things being so difficult atm and for the foreseeable future.

 

[lovinmyboys]

To be fair, in my head, the idea is to let him go live with his dad for a few months and during the day he would go to preschool and have story time, crafts, circle time, fun, etc. On dad's days off and evenings, they would hang out and spend quality time. I don't really want to just ship him to the other side of the world. So far, dh is working less there than he did here. I thought he may get age appropriate activities during the day, and individual time with dh at night. That may not be reality and some posters have made very good points that the army is not known for stability. This is just an option we are considering. We are also considering some other less controversial ideas.

[maize]

I think it's perfectly possible that a four-year-old might consider dad, even a dad who's been gone for months, his primary caregiver. My dh isn't a secondary caregiver in our family even though he's not here as often as I am, and I don't think that even my 6yo would automatically choose to live with me instead of him. I may be defining primary caregiver differently than many people would though.

 

I believe most families would choose the stay-with-mom option, and I don't have a problem with that at all, but it's nice to be able to make different choices without people making negative assumptions about family relationships.

Primary care giver to me means the person who actually spends the most time caring for the child. I think that is what most people mean. In terms of stability, I think this is significant.

 

Doesn't necessarily mean that particular relationship is more significant from the child's perspective though, in fact I think the opposite can be true. My kids have all had a strong preference for mom up until weaning, but after that it is a toss-up. Dh actually spends quite a bit more 1 on 1 time with my four year old these days than I do, even though I am home with him all day. In his case I couldn't say for sure whether separation from me or from dad would be a harder adjustment. I do think leaving home (change of environment) would be harder than staying though.

[lovinmyboys]

Primary caregiver can easily be defined as the person who provides most of the child's care. If dad is the one who is with the child for his or her waking hours it can be dad. In the case that seems unlikely to be the case.

 

I can't see why it would ever be better for a child to spend 7-9 hours a day with daycare workers who make little more than minimum wage than it would be for him to remain with his mother and siblings unless there is some serious extenuating circumstances.

Where he is, they have full day pre-k in the public school with certified teachers. I assume they make the same wages as the other teachers in the building. I have not sent my older children to preschool and generally think preschool is not necessary. I think this DS would like school.

[maize]

Double post

[Catwoman]

I think that the problem with posting this here for feedback is that there is a strong, maternal bias. (and possibly other biases also) You should find a forum/community of Army families, or something and ask there. You will want to gather feedback from people who are doing, have done, or have openly considered doing what you are thinking of doing, not from those who just shudder at the idea alone. Or worse, make comments that are ridiculous or somewhat shaming :rolleyes:

 

Many of the moms on this thread are, understandably, responding emotionally. I would encourage you to reach out to others for feedback where the responces aren't coming from an overwhelming majority of emotion.

 

Personally, I don't think that it is a bad idea at all. All families/kids/situations are different, of course, blah, blah, blah, but sending kids away for some length of time is not unheard of. The influence of a dad in a young boys life can be invaluable, especially for spirited boys in the ages of 3-8. For a wide variety of reasons, this can work. You are a human being just like the rest of us, if this will give you a break,respite, breathing room, then consider it. Forget what others think. (Or think that they think, in case they haven't been in your shoes before)

 

I don't know if this is true or not, but recently I found out that several immigrant families that I know have do or have done this--brought some kids/left some kids, or send kids to their countries while they are youngish so that the family can work. I don't know how common this practice is among immigrants as a whole, but it doesn't seem to place irreparable harm to those involved.

 

I, as a single dad, get sick and tired of the anti-dad bias in our society, so I'm trying my hardest to keep my personal feelings out of this. I think that I would seriously investigate the logistics of this with my spouse and not make a decision until I had more facts about what my family in this situation could expect. I wouldn't mention it to the kids of course, but I would talk this over with a close confidant, if I could.

I'm sorry, but I don't think a single post here has been "anti-Dad."

 

And seriously, you're suggesting that comments have been "ridiculous?" Nice. :glare:

 

Those of us who are against the 4yo moving away with Dad seem to be opposed to breaking up the family unit even more than it needs to be. Some of us don't think it is a good idea to split up the siblings. Some of us think one fulltime parent at home is preferable to another equally-good parent who is at work all day. Some of us wanted to stress to the OP that she may miss this little guy far more than she realizes. And honestly, most kids will gravitate to the parent who is at home all day when they are feeling sick, scared, or worried -- and in this particular situation, it has been Mom.

 

It's not a Mom vs Dad thing at all. I'm sure if the dad had been the primary caregiver all along, many of us would feel differently, but that is simply not the case here.

 

Let's not try to turn this into some sort of gender bias issue when that is not what it is at all.

 

I firmly believe that everyone here is trying to think about what is best for a 4yo child.

[Danestress]

My DH was a single father of a preschooler while he was active duty.

 

It was not easy, of course. While his son was in full time preschool, DH also had to have 'on standby' back up care for the random 6:00 a.m. PT, unexpected duty, safety meeting etc. DS spent more time in 'other care' than most people would ever choose, and I think the most stressful times were when DS was sick. Many single parents face these challenges, but I do think the military presents special challenges, even though DH's job was pretty reasonable.

 

It might be great, and it might not be. Part of it would depend on the preschool and other caregivers. Has DH had time to gather facts and interview people who would provide care at other times? Free preschool in only great if it is first rate quality. Would DH be okay taking time off for chicken pox, flu, or bad head colds? People do manage that while working, but it's just something to think about and weigh. Its not a man/woman thing in my mind. I guess I just am concerned about how hard beind being a single parent is, and how your DH might naturally have to plan, adjust, make lifestyle changes, etc. I would be concerned that if there were problems, his unit light not give him the flexibility he would need.

[Gil]

You've misunderstood. See posts #60, 68, 81

I'm sorry, but I don't think a single post here has been "anti-Dad."

And seriously, you're suggesting that comments have been "ridiculous?" Nice. :glare:

Those of us who are against the 4yo moving away with Dad seem to be opposed to breaking up the family unit even more than it needs to be. Some of us don't think it is a good idea to split up the siblings. Some of us think one fulltime parent at home is preferable to another equally-good parent who is at work all day. Some of us wanted to stress to the OP that she may miss this little guy far more than she realizes. And honestly, most kids will gravitate to the parent who is at home all day when they are feeling sick, scared, or worried -- and in this particular situation, it has been Mom.

It's not a Mom vs Dad thing at all. I'm sure if the dad had been the primary caregiver all along, many of us would feel differently, but that is simply not the case here.

Let's not try to turn this into some sort of gender bias issue when that is not what it is at all.

I firmly believe that everyone here is trying to think about what is best for a 4yo child.

 

[Wabi Sabi]

I'm still wondering: how far away will they be, and will you not see him for the entire time or will all be able to visit periodically? 

[Woodhaven]

I would be concerned that he might have difficulty integrating back into the rest of the family if he were gone that long.  If he is already struggling with his place in the family, do you really believe it will be easier when the family is together again?  I would expect it to be more difficult than ever. 

 

Just my thoughts, I could be wrong.

[Catwoman]

You've misunderstood. See posts #60, 68, 81

Actually, I don't think I did. :)

 

I think you meant what you said. (I didn't think you were accusing anyone in this thread of dad-shaming, BTW; But you did appear to be accusing some of the people who posted here of making comments that were "ridiculous" or shaming the OP.)

 

I do think you raised some good points for the OP to consider, though. I just objected to the parts of your post that I mentioned. It's no big deal -- we don't have to agree on everything, right? :)

[lovinmyboys]

I'm still wondering: how far away will they be, and will you not see him for the entire time or will all be able to visit periodically?

It's about 1200 miles away. We could probably visit for a week in the middle. The drive isn't easy, but there are pretty decent flights. If it didn't work, I would fly down and get him.

 

Having thought about it more, I think we are going to keep DS here with his brothers and me. Thank you everyone for helping me to think this through.

[Catwoman]

It's about 1200 miles away. We could probably visit for a week in the middle. The drive isn't easy, but there are pretty decent flights. If it didn't work, I would fly down and get him.

 

Having thought about it more, I think we are going to keep DS here with his brothers and me. Thank you everyone for helping me to think this through.

I'm very glad to hear that, but I also wouldn't want you to rush to a decision because any of us made you feel guilty. Certainly, you should do whatever is best for your own family, no matter what any of us says. :)

[LucyStoner]

I agree. The fact that it is being considered says a lot about the relationship between the mother and the child.

Or maybe it says a lot about the bond between this child and his father?

 

No one would say that the father being deployed for a year "says a lot about the relationship between the father and the children." It's ok for dad to leave but if mom considers living apart from her child for a relatively short time, all sorts of aspersions are cast.

[catz]

I'm sorry, but I don't think a single post here has been "anti-Dad."

 

And seriously, you're suggesting that comments have been "ridiculous?" Nice. :glare:

 

Those of us who are against the 4yo moving away with Dad seem to be opposed to breaking up the family unit even more than it needs to be. Some of us don't think it is a good idea to split up the siblings. Some of us think one fulltime parent at home is preferable to another equally-good parent who is at work all day. Some of us wanted to stress to the OP that she may miss this little guy far more than she realizes. And honestly, most kids will gravitate to the parent who is at home all day when they are feeling sick, scared, or worried -- and in this particular situation, it has been Mom.

 

It's not a Mom vs Dad thing at all. I'm sure if the dad had been the primary caregiver all along, many of us would feel differently, but that is simply not the case here.

 

Let's not try to turn this into some sort of gender bias issue when that is not what it is at all.

 

I firmly believe that everyone here is trying to think about what is best for a 4yo child.

 

:iagree:   I'm not seeing that the discussion would be different if mom were being stationed somewhere else for the reserves and working full time+ while dad was the stay at home parent.  I actually know a number of homeschool dads/SAHM/single/work at home dads that would be considered the primary caregiver, so that is not that weird to me.  I am not at all opposed to preschool.  I think it can be a great outlet for busy preschoolers and a nice break for parents.  Both my kids went to preschool and it was great.  They were in preschool 9-12 hours a week at age 4-5 though.  Not 40+. 

 

I personally just think that would be a big change for a 4 year old and I wouldn't be comfortable breaking up siblings for that long.  I also think the reward might not be worth it, because he could come back with worse behavoir.  My oldest went to PS for 2 years and he was horrible while attending there.  I keep thinking maybe if a child needed the kind of structure and discipline one parent could provide over another, maybe.  But then really, most waking week day hours will be outsourced and this is a 4 year old. 

 

I'd personally be looking for a way for the whole family to go or I'd be looking at local preschools and respite care for the kids.   However, and I say this as someone who's had PPD, if your mental and then possibly physical health is at play and there's more back story we're not hearing, I do think that's different and that might require different handling.  But then I would acknowledge that and be very actively working on ways to replenish yourself mentally and/or physically. 

[Davysmom]

It is really no different than some joint custody situations where mom and dad live in different places. It is not easy, but I know several families who have the child go between families for months at a time.

 

I have two who would love this! I have one who would be devastated by this. It depends on the kid. I have one who rather have me gone than dad. He would be much happier in day care with dad than home with me.

 

I wouldn't be able to stand it. LOL. I sent one to her grandma's for the summer, and I hated it. She was 16 and loved it.

[LucyStoner]

It says it is contentious and difficult.

 

That the OP would rather her kid be in day care all day a world a way is not an indication of a good bond.

  

 

Really? People who have their kids in daycare are indicating they don't have a good bond with their kids?

 

I can't see why it would ever be better for a child to spend 7-9 hours a day with daycare workers who make little more than minimum wage...

I find your comments to reveal a pretty strong bias of the futile mommy wars variety.

[lovinmyboys]

I'm very glad to hear that, but I also wouldn't want you to rush to a decision because any of us made you feel guilty. Certainly, you should do whatever is best for your own family, no matter what any of us says. :)

Thanks. It isn't because I feel guilty. People brought up some stuff that I hadn't really thought through (like if DS got sick, if dh had to work a weird shift, and lots of other things).

[Catwoman]

Thanks. It isn't because I feel guilty. People brought up some stuff that I hadn't really thought through (like if DS got sick, if dh had to work a weird shift, and lots of other things).

I'm glad to hear that. I had re-read my posts and thought I might have (unintentionally) made you feel guilty about everything, and I wanted to tell you that I know from all of your posts that you adore all of your children and that you would always make the best decisions for them.

[texasmama]

I would be concerned that he might have difficulty integrating back into the rest of the family if he were gone that long.  If he is already struggling with his place in the family, do you really believe it will be easier when the family is together again?  I would expect it to be more difficult than ever. 

 

Just my thoughts, I could be wrong.

This is my main concern.  Sibling and family relationships and dynamics are intricate.  Anyone can and will make necessary adjustments (for example, a child going for extended medical treatment), but I would not send a child this age to live separate from siblings and mom for five months, however difficult it made the situation on me. 

[LucyStoner]

Full time Day care exists for situations when mom or dad can't be with their kid. Mom or dad are working or Are ill

 

In this instance the child is sent 1200 miles away when mom and sibling are together and dad is working potentially long hours in an area with no support system and the placed in care all day rather than with the parent who is available to care for him. .

 

You can cast mommy war aspersions if you like but to me this just seems like a senseless separation.

A child living with a *parent* is not a child abandoned or shunted aside. It's not for you or anyone else to say under what circumstances parents can or should use childcare. It sounds like there is more going on for this family than any outsider can claim to understand. I think it would behoove people to be a little understanding rather than to guilt trip the OP, going so far as you did to state the mom and child must have some sort of bad relationship. Plenty of kids with a deployed parent spend time in daycare.

 

I am a SAHM but my husband is equally capable as a caregiver. In the past, I've been a WOHM and he's been home more time with them. I do not consider myself "primary" or more important to our sons than him.

[ktgrok]

Dh is going to be gone a year. He has already been gone a couple of months of that. Ds(4) would possibly go for the 2nd semester of school. Like January-May. So, he would be with me for 7mos and dh for 5. His behavior has definitely gotten worse since dh has been gone. Either way he will be with one parent and away from the other. However, it is true that I am not working and dh is, so his living with dh does mean he would spend more time with non family caregivers.

 

So far, dh has worked pretty normal hours. It is the army so things could always change, but he doesn't anticipate having to work lots of crazy hours. I definitely don't want DS to spend all his waking hours at daycare, but as of right now I don't think that is the case.

 

Logistically it may not work. I am just trying to get feedback on the idea before I pursue it seriously. I am really appreciating all of the advice.

 

Even working 9-5, by the time you add up getting the kid to daycare by 8:30, picking him up at 5:30, driving home, getting dinner made, bath, etc...there really isn't much time with your kid, if you are working full time. REally think about that. 

[ktgrok]

Where he is, they have full day pre-k in the public school with certified teachers. I assume they make the same wages as the other teachers in the building. I have not sent my older children to preschool and generally think preschool is not necessary. I think this DS would like school.

 

here in florida, the free full time preschool is only 15 hours a week. You might want to check on that. You have to pay for more hours than that, to go a full school day. And then pay beyond that for aftercare until Dad gets off work. 

[LucyStoner]

The children of the deployed spend time in care and with their assigned caregiver.

 

This child's assigned caregiver is not deployed.

Mom isn't the only parent. And mom is a bit more than an "assigned caregiver."

 

If it is ok for dad to be gone from all 4 kids for a full year (which no one disputes) why is it that mom being far away for 5 months from one child makes it ok for you to flat out say that the mom and child have a bad relationship? How could you possibly know that one way or the other?

 

You do realize there are single parents in our armed forces? Who have to work their jobs, no matter how demanding those jobs are, and they can still be good, well attached parents?

 

And not all 2 parent military families have a SAH parent of either gender. With 1-2 hour commute, the wife of a navy member I know is gone from home longer each day than he is. That's what many families do to make ends meet.

 

Your view is one of economic privilege.

 

ETA- if this happened, which is seems it will not, the child would be in care + with their father everyday. I don't think that a man is less capable of doing that than a woman.

[lovinmyboys]

It is kind of moot because I don't think we are going to do it anyway, but it is public school preschool from 8-3:30 Monday thru Friday. So, likely, he would need a little bit of after school care that would not be free.

 

My mom lives in a different state and the school where she teaches has free, full day pre-k. She thinks it is a long time for little kids to be in school, but otherwise has only good things to say about it. It is well run-the kids have outside time both morning and afternoon, they do centers and free play, specials, crafts, finger plays, etc. All stuff that my DS really likes and that I have trouble fitting into our days.

 

ETA: my mom's school may just be free for EI. The one where DH is staying is free for everyone in that school's zone.

[Reflections]

It is kind of moot because I don't think we are going to do it anyway, but it is public school preschool from 8-3:30 Monday thru Friday. So, likely, he would need a little bit of after school care that would not be free.

 

My mom lives in a different state and the school where she teaches has free, full day pre-k. She thinks it is a long time for little kids to be in school, but otherwise has only good things to say about it. It is well run-the kids have outside time both morning and afternoon, they do centers and free play, specials, crafts, finger plays, etc. All stuff that my DS really likes and that I have trouble fitting into our days.

 

Boy, do I understand that.  I've been considering half day prek for my 4yo just for the fun of it.  AND it would give me some quality time with just the 9yo.  And if the 15yo would come out of her room, she and I might have some of that time too.  But the cost is kinda of high.

[katilac]

 But you did appear to be accusing some of the people who posted here of making comments that were "ridiculous" or shaming the OP 

 

I'll butt into your conversation and say that I for one did think that some posts were attempting to shame the OP. Most posts were an attempt to be helpful, even if the wording was awkward, but there were a few that were openly judgmental and outright rude, imo. 

[LucyStoner]

Mom is more than the assigned caregiver. I agree. She is the primary caregiver.

 

I dont really think it is OK for dad to be away for a year. Unfortunately that is military life sometimes. It cant be helped.

 

Single parents in the armed forces have an assigned caregiver and they have to cope with difficult situations.

 

My view is one applied to THIS UNIQUE SITUATION and it is not about privilege. Its about this scenario.

 

If this happened, one kid in the family would be in daycare 8am-6pm ish and the remaining kids would get the PRIVILEGE of being home with their mom FULL time.

 

Its grossly unfair to take a very young child who is used to being in the care of his mother all day every day and drop him into full time day care 1200 miles from home (only seeing mom once in 5 months) just so mom can get a break.

You are assuming that the best situation for all kids is the same. It may not be, even within the same family.

 

The OP has lived through 3 prior deployments and has limited financial means. Who, exactly, are you to deride this idea as nothing more than her "getting a break"?

 

Why is seeing dad every day for 5 months somehow of no benefit?

 

Truthfully, I personally probably wouldn't decide any differently than you in this situation (to keep all the siblings together and in the same care situation they have had) but I really think the degree to which your posts about this drip with judgement towards the OP is beyond the pale.

 

You are not the OP, you are not living through a 4th deployment with 4 young boys. You really can't know what is best for her one way or the other.

[rocassie]

This is a hard decision, and both have great advantages and yet disadvantages.  First, if your DH is on board and is excited, than that is a great plus.  Now it's time to really think if it's in your son's best interest.  How would he be with being away so long from mom and his siblings?  Yeah, he would miss you guys but would it be a fun adventure or would he feel like he's being abandoned/not wanted.  He's young so maybe it would be hard to tell how he would feel in long run, but if it was decided that he went with DH, I would make it a point for you and the siblings to make a really big effort to make him feel loved from afar.  Pictures, notes, Skype, little videos reading bedtime stories, and other things.  Good luck.  This is a really tough decision.