s/o Curious: what age to see doctor alone?

[lailasmum]

I can't imagine not going with my kids unless one of them specifically asked. Here we don't have routine check up or a regular doctor, you just see whoever in our practice so it's not like you have a long standing relationship. All appointments would be for some symptom so I think it's a good idea to have a parent with a child especially as in the NHS they are reluctant to do tests or referrals generally.

[Pippen]

Depends on the kid, gender, and the doctor. At age 17 I started sending my boys to the derm for routine checkups. Chiro age 16. Around age 15 I would drop them off at the dentist, but check in to pay the bill--around age 17 they're handling it.

 

Around age 17 I started sending my sons to their annual well checkups with the pediatrian who they've had since birth. I want them to experience handling the appointments on their own, and figure that's best done while they're still around home and seeing a doctor that they're familiar with. I'd also feel comfortable sending them in for minor issues. I prep them in advance, and talk through it afterwards. My daughter wouldn't want to go alone to a male doctor so it will be later for her.

 

The only issue that came up that I know now to discuss in advance is that the ped offered my son a vaccine that was recommended, but that he really didn't need.

[maize]

I've never had more than the dr in the room for pap. ITA, that would be even more awkward than it already is!

I can't remember ever having more than one person either, and I've been in multiple states.

[Laura Corin]

I can't remember ever having more than one person either, and I've been in multiple states.

 

I think it's common to bring a nurse in here if the doctor performing a pelvic exam is male.  I know that was the case when I had a male gynae in Hong Kong.

 

L

[Pippen]

I can't remember ever having more than one person either, and I've been in multiple states.

 

I've always had a nurse in with my male gyn.

[hornblower]

Every pelvic exam I've had done by a male Dr has had someone else in the room. I believe they do it for their own protection as well as the protection of the patient.

With a female Dr it's your choice. You most def can ask the office nurse to be there.

Last one I had, I gave permission to the 2 med students that were observing/shadowing the doctor. They were so excited and grateful to be allowed to stay it was funny. It was nice that my cervix could make someone's day lol ....

 

 

for more serious or complicated appointments I prefer to have someone with me. Dd came with me when I was going to have a mole removed because I expected to barf or faint. She has a strong stomach.

 

I give my kids the choice to go alone or not from about age 14-15...

[Alice]

There is a really wide range of what people do. I think for the most part the right answer is to do what makes the patient (kid) and parent both comfortable. That varies wildly from person to person. Some 11 year olds don't want Mom in the room, some 16 year olds do. 

 

What I think works best from my point of view is something like this: 
 

Sick visits: Parent accompanies patient. Parent encourages patient to ask their own questions and answer questions of the doctor. But parent is there to make sure information isn't missed on either side. I really think kids need to get comfortable talking to the doctor. They should know their own medical history, if they have allergies, what meds they take. When they are ready to do that will vary by kid but I think gradually having them get used to doing this while a parent is there makes it more likely that they will be comfortable when they are out on their own. 
 

Well visits: Generally under 10 I think is best with a parent for the whole visit. After that it really depends on the kid and where they are in puberty and how shy they are and whether they are there with a same or different gender parent. What I like to do is begin the visit with parent in the room for the same reasons as the sick visit, it helps make sure information isn't missed. Then when we get to the exam for older teens I will ask if they want their parent to leave. For younger teens I might wait to ask when we get to the genital exam. I'm always ok if they stay. 

 

Personally, I think it's better for parents of preteens and teens to give the kid at least a little time in the room alone with the doctor unless the kid really does not want that. I find that a lot of kids have questions for me that parents might not know. These aren't just things about sex or drugs but might be "I'm worried that I'm fat" or "I want to talk about deodorant" or whatever. They often aren't things that they should be embarrassed about but they are often embarrassed and giving them a little time alone gives them a chance to ask if they want to. 

 

As far as truly seeing kids alone: Legally, we can't see anyone under 18 without a parent's permission. And legally, once they are 18 they have to be the one to sign off on things and we can't talk to the parent without the kid's permission. If someone sends their 16 year old alone in or a younger sibling with an older sibling who is under 18 and not listed as a guardian we have to call the parent to ask for permission. We can't just assume that it's ok because they have always come to our office. 

 

 

[Jane in NC]

Alice,

 

What does a doctor do if a minor comes in for a visit on his or her own?  The OP began this thread by stating that she went to the doctor alone as a teen.

[Alice]

Alice,

 

What does a doctor do if a minor comes in for a visit on his or her own?  The OP began this thread by stating that she went to the doctor alone as a teen.

 

We will call the parent and ask if it is ok for us to see the minor. If we have to do any kind of procedure we would also call the parent before doing it. We also do this if a minor comes in with a non-parent and we do not already have signed documentation in the chart saying that the non-parent has permission to bring in the minor. 

 

If we can't get hold of the parent we would ask them to reschedule. If it was a true emergency we would probably see them and have legal precedent to do so, but that would be rare for my office as we aren't an ER. 

 

That might seem silly to some and we have parents that clearly think it's ridiculous. However, I've been burned a few times when I broke the rule for a patient who I knew well and was trying to save some trouble by just seeing them and not waiting to get hold of a parent. I will never do it again. 

 

If a minor want to seek care for mental health, something to do with sexual or reproductive health or drug/alcohol use we will usually not contact the parent. In fact, we are legally not supposed to. The exact legal rights vary from state to state but it's fairly consistent that minors ave a right to seek confidential medical care for those issues. In practice, I would strongly urge the minor patient to discuss whatever issue with their parent and insurance makes it sticky for them to seek completely confidential health care (and I'd let them know that as well) but I can only break confidentiality if I believe the patient is a harm to themselves. (I can inform a parent if a patient is suicidal but not if she is just depressed. ) 

[Firefly]

When they felt they wanted to.  For both of them it was around 13/14.  The doctor usually has me in at the beginning to talk about any issues or questions, then I leave.

 

[Pawz4me]

There is a really wide range of what people do. I think for the most part the right answer is to do what makes the patient (kid) and parent both comfortable. That varies wildly from person to person. Some 11 year olds don't want Mom in the room, some 16 year olds do. 

 

What I think works best from my point of view is something like this: 

 

Sick visits: Parent accompanies patient. Parent encourages patient to ask their own questions and answer questions of the doctor. But parent is there to make sure information isn't missed on either side. I really think kids need to get comfortable talking to the doctor. They should know their own medical history, if they have allergies, what meds they take. When they are ready to do that will vary by kid but I think gradually having them get used to doing this while a parent is there makes it more likely that they will be comfortable when they are out on their own. 

 

Well visits: Generally under 10 I think is best with a parent for the whole visit. After that it really depends on the kid and where they are in puberty and how shy they are and whether they are there with a same or different gender parent. What I like to do is begin the visit with parent in the room for the same reasons as the sick visit, it helps make sure information isn't missed. Then when we get to the exam for older teens I will ask if they want their parent to leave. For younger teens I might wait to ask when we get to the genital exam. I'm always ok if they stay. 

 

Personally, I think it's better for parents of preteens and teens to give the kid at least a little time in the room alone with the doctor unless the kid really does not want that. I find that a lot of kids have questions for me that parents might not know. These aren't just things about sex or drugs but might be "I'm worried that I'm fat" or "I want to talk about deodorant" or whatever. They often aren't things that they should be embarrassed about but they are often embarrassed and giving them a little time alone gives them a chance to ask if they want to. 

 

As far as truly seeing kids alone: Legally, we can't see anyone under 18 without a parent's permission. And legally, once they are 18 they have to be the one to sign off on things and we can't talk to the parent without the kid's permission. If someone sends their 16 year old alone in or a younger sibling with an older sibling who is under 18 and not listed as a guardian we have to call the parent to ask for permission. We can't just assume that it's ok because they have always come to our office. 

 

The times my under-18 yo went to the doctor by himself were for vaccines.  The one I specifically remember was for the gardasil vaccine.  I had already signed off on it, so I'm guessing that's why they said it was fine for him to come in alone for the second and third shots.

 

As far as adults having someone accompany them to the doctor -- That very idea kind of it squeams me out.  Unless it's to discuss treatment for a serious illness or a serious upcoming surgery, I don't want anyone with me as long as I'm capable of doing it myself.  I've gone to numerous pre-surgery consults on my own.  I had a breast biospy (no sedation needed) on my own.  I know it varies from person to person, but I'm a lot more comfortable by myself.

 

[SKL]

Right now I don't have any known health issues, but I don't know if I could let my family in on them if I did.  They have enough to worry about and I don't want them discussing my health when I'm not in the room.  Of course my feelings might change if I found myself dealing with something really serious.

[Lady Florida.]

I assumed I would go with them till they are 18, as till then they are minor children and under my care. 

 

At one point when my kids were 13 or 14, at one appointment (I mean one appointment for each of them, separate appointments) the docs asked me to leave the room for a few minutes.   My daughter later told me that the doc asked her if she needed to talk about sexual health. 

 

There have been times when I've asked my son and his doctor if they'd like me to leave the room, but they have always said it wasn't necessary. 

 

 My son forgets things, or gets flustered/embarrassed and does not know how to state things or ask questions, so I coach him - as little as possible. 

 

 

 

Yes to the bolded. I did start giving ds the chance to go back alone at around 15 but he's never taken me up on it. I leave the room if he has to undress. I also have stated in front of both ds and the doctor that I will leave if either of them want me to. I'm kind of surprised the doctor hasn't asked me to leave for even a brief time. I thought given ds' age (17) he might want to discuss sexual activity with him.

 

My son would be like yours but maybe even more flustered. He has ADHD, and even on medication he often forgets things. I'm trying to teach him to make a list of questions for the doctor but he always says he doesn't have any questions.

 

He's gone back alone at the dentist, orthodontist (glad that's in the past), and the optometrist for several years now. In each case, the doctor will speak to me afterwards.

[marbel]

Yes to the bolded. I did start giving ds the chance to go back alone at around 15 but he's never taken me up on it. I leave the room if he has to undress. I also have stated in front of both ds and the doctor that I will leave if either of them want me to. I'm kind of surprised the doctor hasn't asked me to leave for even a brief time. I thought given ds' age (17) he might want to discuss sexual activity with him.

 

My son would be like yours but maybe even more flustered. He has ADHD, and even on medication he often forgets things. I'm trying to teach him to make a list of questions for the doctor but he always says he doesn't have any questions.

 

He's gone back alone at the dentist, orthodontist (glad that's in the past), and the optometrist for several years now. In each case, the doctor will speak to me afterwards.

 

This is what we deal with too.

 

For years I have taken a notebook into every doctor appointment - each child has a notebook, and I have my own.  I list questions for the visit in it, and I record anything the doctor says about  medications, tests, etc. 

 

I want to turn the notebooks over to my kids soon but they are not ready for the responsibility of listening and taking notes at the same time.

 

Sometimes a doctor or nurse will comment on my notebook.  I think "why wouldn't everyone take a notebook to their appointments?"  I'd never remember all the questions or the answers without being able to write it down.  Of course it's easier for the person not on the exam table to take notes. :D

 

[texasmama]

I've started to believe that no one should go to the doctor alone. I'm thinking I'll take dh next time I go actually.

 

If the kids didn't want me there I'd respect that, I have just started to think that a) everyone deserves an advocate b ) medical information is confusing and c) doctors are mostly intimidating jerks.

I liked this, though I haven't had the experience that doctors are mostly intimidating jerks.  Some specialists are, IME.  I've dealt with a lot of doctors.  The most insulting one was the pediatric dentist who talked to me like I WAS the small child and made me feel as though she thought I had an IQ of 60.  That was bad.  It went on for years.  I learned to ignore it because my kids loved the practice.  But yes, I know that my child will not receive sealants on the stainless steel crowns.  Did you say that because you think I am stupid or are you trying to shame me that my child needed that level of dental work because it is somehow my failing as a parent?  Dude.

 

Moving on...I agree with you that almost everyone can benefit from another adult in the room asking questions or listening to options/information.  So much can be missed, particularly in a situation of importance or high emotion.

 

To answer the original question, I go in with my kids initially and then leave during the exam for my boys and stay for my little girl.  I took my older dd to the gyn a couple of years ago and stayed during the exam because she was comfortable with this.  I couldn't see anything because there was a sheet over her.  I asked her what she preferred, and she was fine with me staying so I did.  I would have been fine with stepping out.  I want my kids to feel comfortable, and I want them to feel that they can talk to their doctors without me in the room if they want, particularly as they get older.

[Lizzie in Ma]

Well, I suppose it is different for everyone.  For us, I always go with both my girls, 18 and 14 because not only do they want me there, but they have so much going on, I am the one who has to keep it all together.  I use CareZone to keep journals for both girls so we can discuss what's going on.  Medication issues, interactions, changes, all these things are not things my kids can keep up with themselves.  We've gone to the same family practitioner since before they were born and I trust her completely, so if there came a time for a "well visit" or something normal, I wouldn't feel like I had to be there and before we go in, I always ask if they want me.  But for the chat portion and the nurse portion where they ask a ton of things, I am always there.  I keep the lists of meds, the current issues and symptoms, everything, ready to give it to them.

But my kids are neither normal nor healthy, so for us, this is what we have to do.

As a general family rule, no one goes to a new doctor, a procedure, the hospital or the ER alone ever, too many bad things or misunderstandings happen. I am not talking annual appointments or gyn annuals with established doctors we know and trust, just everything else.   I think a second pair of ears, a hand to hold, someone to take notes and someone to make sure they are cared for properly and have all thier concerns addressed is important.  Either my sister or I always go with our parents and she and I have gone with each other.

 

[dirty ethel rackham]

I'm a little surprised at the people saying they go with their husband into the exam room! I would never bring a family member to my doctor's appointment unless I genuinely couldn't manage on my own. It wouldn't even occur to me.It's not that I think it's bad or wrong or anything like that, your choices clearly aren't my business, it just is something I would not have imagined except under very limited circumstances.

 

To answer the earlier question about gynecologists, you start going to them sometime between the age of 13 and 15. You should certainly start going once you are, um, active, though of course many young women don't want to bring that up with their parents. But even if you're not, it's a good idea to go just to make sure everything is fine.

 

After several less than ideal experiences, I am all for bringing someone along as a 2nd pair of eyes/ears, no matter what the age. 

 

When my mom was getting older, after a couple of medication errors (some on her part, some on her doctor's part due to having several specialists), she started asking me to come with her.  Sometimes she would forget to share an important piece of information.  Sometimes the doctor was unclear and my mom understood it to mean one thing and I understood it to mean something else. 

 

Due to a medical mistake made on me during childbirth when I was alone and unable to advocate for myself, I needed surgery to repair the injury.  I brought someone with me to help make sure that I asked the right questions and gave them all the pertinent info.  However, when this surgeon wanted bring in another surgeon for a different part of the repair, I didn't want to impose on my friend again for this consultation.  As a result, I was rushed by this surgeon and didn't have back up to push to make sure that all the information was discussed.  He told me that he would read my file and it would be fine.  It was not fine.  While my first surgeon did great and took all the information into account, the 2nd one gave me a medication that he shouldn't have which caused a complication that negated all the positive effects from that surgery.  Now, I have too much scar tissue to get another repair and have to live with this mistake for the rest of my life. 

 

Dh is a very bright man.  However, he simply sucks at medical stuff.  He never asks the right questions.  He never reads on his own.  When the doc told him he needed to be on a statin, he just assumed the doc was right and took the medication.  That drug made him so sick.  I watched dh wasting away before my eyes.  I pushed for him to get the original lab results.  His cholesterol was only 210 and the doc wanted it below 180 despite no independent evidence that this was even desirable (just studies funded by the drug companies.)  I made him go off the medications, showed him the research and worked with him on the small changes that kept him in the 190 range and improved the rest of his lipid profile.  Had I been in the room with dh, I could have questioned the doctor and helped dh come to the conclusion that he didn't need the drugs after all. 

[J-rap]

I went in with all my children for their "12-year-old-checkups" -- (which are common here).  After that, I still continued to go in with them through their teen years most of the time.  Usually I wanted to be in on it to talk with the doctor, and my kids wanted me in there too.  Sometimes I just couldn't go though, and would drop them with an older sibling, or by themselves if they were 17/18.  I think actually our clinic requires a parent or guardian to be there with them (if not in the room, at least available), but being in a small town where the doctors knew our family, it wasn't a big deal to send them alone.

 

If they were going to be checked in a way that felt embarrassing for them, then of course I'd respect that and not be in the room. 

[G5052]

After several less than ideal experiences, I am all for bringing someone along as a 2nd pair of eyes/ears, no matter what the age. 

 

This is pretty much what we do for the same reason, although there are times that the logistics don't work out.

[happypamama]

I go in the room with my kids still, and my oldest is 12. At whatever point my kids are uncomfortable with me in the room, I will step into the hallway, but I'm not sending them back alone at the doctor's office. I'm picky about vaccinations, and although my doctor is very respectful (and actually hasn't asked if we want the HPV vaccine for the two oldest), I'm still wary. I would leave a practice that would not allow parents back with minor children, even teens. (However, at least for DD, I don't know that she'd need a full well woman checkup for a long time; I didn't go for my first one until I was about to be married and thus sexually active, and it hasn't been a problem not to have gone as a teen, although if my teen had specific concerns or problems, I could see getting her an exam earlier.)

 

I have accompanied my children at the eye doctor as well, but that's because I get all three big kids done at the same time. I'd be okay with the older two going back by themselves if they wanted, but the 6yo, no. They have three small exam rooms next to each other, so I go with my 6yo and am nearby in case the older two need me for anything, but last time (a year ago, so I guess they're about ready for another appointment), I wasn't in the actual room for either of the older two kids' exams, but standing in the hall, and it was fine.

 

At the dentist, they usually take one of the older kids back first, and I'm okay with that , but I insist upon coming back at some point. I don't think the dental office really loves that, because they have plenty of parents who only stay in the waiting room for teens and tweens, but sorry, I want to talk with the dentist and hear what he has to say first hand. And under about 8 or 9, I'll be right there, thankyouverymuch.

[Cricket]

I still go to the doctor with my 16 yo ds.  At his sports physical this past year, I asked if he wanted me to leave the exam room or stay with him and he said he wanted me to stay.  Dh hates going to the doctor by himself so I always go along with him.  I've only had one dentist tell me I wasn't allowed back.  The dentist my kids have been seeing for the last two years always lets me back with the kids.  Same with the eye doctor.  I've taken elderly neighbors to the doctor and they insist I also go into the exam room with them.  Like other pps have said, it can be good to have someone with you.