Guest inoubliable Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest inoubliable Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5of5 Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 Should he be keeping his eyes open for another opportunity? Should he be more active in looking, maybe put his resume out there? And finally, should he be going to someone higher up to discuss his concerns? The people above the bosses love him. He just got a nice raise last week, even! They've always been helpful to every driver he knows that went to them. He thinks that going above the boss' head will get him fired, for sure. Regarding your first question -- I'd say yes. Regarding the second -- the politics at each company is different. If he thinks it is too risky, you'll have to trust that. But, if things continue to get worse, there may come a point where the risk is easily worth it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 I would get him a nice big metal thermos and start brewing coffee at home. I would try and not get too hard on him about the smoking while he is stressed out. Would rolling his own be cheaper? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 If the job isn't working out I would personally have your dh start looking for other work before he goes to the higher ups. You aren't financially stable so if the talk went bad and he did end up getting fired you'd be even worse than just having to deal with a bad boss. If you both work together to at least get an idea of what is available out there for him then you'd get a better idea if a different job would fix things financially. If there are jobs out there try to secure it and use it as leverage when he goes to the higher ups Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 I don't think pushing him to quit cigarettes and coffee when in the midst of a stressful situation is going to turn out well. I'm sorry things are not working out well, there is such a big difference between a good boss and a bad one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 As for giving up coffee and cigarettes, I don't think that is entirely reasonable. Maybe cutting back his budgetary allowance for those things to start out with would work better Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truscifi Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 Do I insist on the coffee/cigarette issue? I understand his resistance and I hate to push it too far. I know from experience that you can't "make" someone quit either. They have to want it for themselves. I don't think you can really force him, but I would try again to talk to him about it. Show him concrete numbers - you spend this much every week, if we put that toward our debt instead it would be paid off this much faster. And be ready to compromise. Maybe he could give up one instead of both. Or find ways to make them cheaper. Should he be keeping his eyes open for another opportunity? Should he be more active in looking, maybe put his resume out there? Yes. And finally, should he be going to someone higher up to discuss his concerns? The people above the bosses love him. He just got a nice raise last week, even! They've always been helpful to every driver he knows that went to them. He thinks that going above the boss' head will get him fired, for sure. He probably knows better what the company culture is like than you do. I think it could get to a point where he thinks it is worth the risk, but he's clearly not there yet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommymilkies Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 With how much I know he was spending on cigarettes, yes. I would press that issue or find a cheaper alternative For the coffee-I would have him brew it at home to help him get through his shifts. It sucks. I have had those months where I was buying $10 bags of coffee a week when we had $50 for food for a family of 7. It does make you rather bitter about it. Also-I'd save up, scrimp, save, do what you can to be prepared. Is there anyone higher up he can complain to? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 About the coffee and cigarettes, I would ask him to try to transition from buying on the road to making his own (he could pack instant and use hot water in a car mug at gas stations). Personally I'd hope he'd quit smoking all together but I don't know if that is realistic, so rolling his own might be a transitional compromise. My mom managed to substitute a coffee addiction for a cigarette addiction many decades ago. :) Coffee is health food, so I wouldn't want to give that up. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brehon Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 Question #1 - absolutely. Update his resume, CV, and cover letter. Question #2 - depends on company politics. I've seen many cases where the Big Bosses support the Little Bosses even though the BB's like an employee. Are the working conditions such that the risk-benefit ratio makes it worth going above Little Boss' head? There is no right or wrong answer. I'd recommend starting a search for another job and dealing with his current employer as best he can. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILiveInFlipFlops Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 I've been in your shoes, and many of my friends have been in similar shoes. What I have learned (as torturous as it is to me, because I am a fixer) is to just leave it alone and let him handle it as he feels he needs to. That includes dealing with his boss, his coffee and cigarette consumption...all of it. He needs to go by his instincts in handling the situation, and if the coffee and cigarettes (for us it was the gym membership that never got used and the takeout lunches) make him feel more secure, I'd let him have them without complaint right now. I'd OFFER to make him a thermos of coffee and suggest that it might be an easy way to save a few bucks, but I wouldn't push it. Here, after the initial discussion, letting it go almost always leads to him softening on the issues I was tackling, and we can make progress. In my experience, guys are extremely sensitive around issues having to do with them providing for their family, and questioning or pushing on those issues, especially when they're already feeling insecure, has backfired every time. Even if you're ultimately right on every topic, pushing him will probably only cause friction between the two of you, make him doubt himself and his instinctual response at work, and make him feel threatened. Please know that this is not my normal take on husband/wife issues. I have no problem whatsoever speaking up in my marriage on any issue. My husband is not the head of our home, etc. But over the many job changes/income instabilities we've had, this is what I've experienced and learned. I've also seen it play out in similar ways in my friends' marriages. It's a very tricky path to walk. :grouphug: I'm sorry things are so scary right now. ETA: I forgot to address the looking out for other opportunities thing, but I would say the same thing applies there. I know for my DH, feeling like he was looking for other things sometimes made him feel like he was less committed to making things work where he was, and he didn't want to fall into that mindset himself or give that vibe off at work. You are right; having an updated resume and keeping your ears open are always smart. But again, that's something that might feel undermining to him when he's already in the weeds. FWIW. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 Brew the coffee at home if you can. Aldi has fair trade coffee for a good price. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 Is there anything you could do to bring in outside income while things are so unstable? Tutoring? Fall harvest picking? Working in a shop part time on weekends during the holiday season? I'd bring up those options in a discussion about finances if you're talking about cutting the cigs and coffee. I totally understand the feeling of disproportionate spending, and *that* I think is the important thing....keeping you both on the same page while you're dealing with a stressful situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest inoubliable Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest inoubliable Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinder Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 :grouphug: Ugh--tough spot for your family to be in. I hope things start getting better for you soon. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 Be quietly supportive and let him come to the conclusion that he should be seeking out other opportunities on his own. Don't push the coffee and ciggy issue for now. He is under a lot of stress. Be ready to step up and implement his plan when it comes to him. (Often my DH's plans sound a lot like the ones I've suggested weeks earlier. :glare: ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest inoubliable Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILiveInFlipFlops Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 LOL. Isn't that the way of it most of the time? I keep telling my DH that if he'd just realize that I was right 99% of the time, his life would go much smoother. ;) Yes, it really is. I tell my DH the same thing! "If you would just do what I tell you..." :lol: To be fair, it works in reverse too, because I can be pretty stubborn :tongue_smilie: I hope it is very, very temporary and you can look back soon and laugh (a little, at least!). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 I've been in your shoes, and many of my friends have been in similar shoes. What I have learned (as torturous as it is to me, because I am a fixer) is to just leave it alone and let him handle it as he feels he needs to. That includes dealing with his boss, his coffee and cigarette consumption...all of it. Honestly, I tend to agree with this. It just makes dh more stressed if I keep throwing ideas at him and making suggestions. It feels to me like I am being supportive and trying to help, but that is not how it feels to him. So, I try to stay out of his work stuff unless he asks for I out on a specific situation. I know it is hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest inoubliable Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 Does anyone have a suggestion for meals with a 10lb bag of rice? LOL. I'm guessing a lot of Mexican rice. Hawaiians have rice in or with everything-chili, eggs and spam, teriyaki chicken, shoyu chicken, steak, kalbi-always just plain white rice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisB Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 <snip> So I guess all I can really do is keep an eye out for other jobs, update his resume <snip> I'm PMing you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommymilkies Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 Growing up we had white rice with sugar for breakfast a lot. And white beans with cornbread or cheap white bread for a lot of meals. Can you forage around you? Our state parks have blackberries and such a lot of the time so the kids get some free play and nutrition at the same time. You can also pick dandelion flowers/greens, clover, etc. for some nutrition if you have to. They're actually pretty yummy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 Can you go to a food bank to supplement what you can buy on your own? At least on those lean weeks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 Can you go to a food bank to supplement what you can buy on your own? At least on those lean weeks. Or would you qualify for SNAP? I hope things work out soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brehon Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 Okay, I'll let him follow his instincts with the job bit. And I won't pressure him on the coffee and cigarettes. He does brew at home and take two metal thermoses with him but it doesn't last all day. He has to be up at 4:30 am for the morning text (that tells him when to be there). Some days he has to leave right away but other day he doesn't go in until 8 or 9 am. And he can't go back to sleep. And then he doesn't usually get home until between 10 pm and midnight. It's very, very long days for him. He's forced to buy coffee on the road so he can stay awake. *sigh* So I guess all I can really do is keep an eye out for other jobs, update his resume, and figure out groceries for a family of five with $14. :/ Thanks for all the suggestions! I completely understand the frustration even though I approach the issue from the other side. (I am the one who works and dh stays home with the kids.) The last couple of months have been exceedingly tough for us because our electric bills shot through the roof plus food prices increasing. We have about the same amount of money for groceries for our family of 8. I'm really not sure what we're going to do. Anyway, enough about me, just want to send you commiseration. Good luck to you and yours! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ocelotmom Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 I would feel horrible cutting someone's coffee and cigarette budget at the same time! Especially if he's used to using it for alertness and it's a potential safety issue.I use this instant coffee. It's $0.03 cents per serving. Admittedly, my normal "serving" is bigger than the suggested serving, but it's still cents per day. (I don't like all instant coffees - this one is way better than most I've tried). Quitting cigarettes is, of course, good in many ways, but I acknowledge that trying to quit at an already stressful time, especially if there isn't a budget for a nicotine patch or some other crutch, is less than ideal. If he feels his job is at risk, he should be actively looking. It's generally easier to find a job when you currently have one than after you get laid off. Assuming ramen is a serious plan and not just shorthand for cutting your food budget - don't do it. Going horrible on diet for cost savings tends to backfire, because it impacts overall health. There are options that are both cheap and healthier (beans and rice, eggs). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest inoubliable Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 I will say that although I would not try to insist that your dh should quit smoking during a stressful time, I don't think anyone would fault you for saying, "there is no money for cigarettes right now, we need the money for food." Those are sort of different things, even if they have the same end result. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest inoubliable Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 I disagree with the people saying let him handle the situation and just be supportive. When a job isn't working out for a family finacially or mentally it is both spouses responsibility to work on the issue since it so both of you who are effected. The only thing that causes tension in my marriage is dh's job and it has been doing so for 7 years. When I felt it was time for him to move on we were both involved in the decision making because it effected both of us. Ultimately, we decided too stick it out a little longer even though he was offered a job with the same pay but with better hours and benefits. I wasn't entirely happy with the decision but I would have been livid if dh made it by hmself. So angry I would have gotten my own job and forced him to either quit or risk losing his family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest inoubliable Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 Cigarettes: hope he can cut back, make it clear that it matters, but don't become a source of stress. Caffeine: coffee is good. Instant coffee might work (still needs hot water) but honestly, your cheapest option is caffeine tablets. You get 100 of them for the cost of a few cheap cups of coffee (or one expensive one). If it's about staying awake, this is his most practical option -- plus the dose is easier to control. Politics: his instincts will be better than yours, but your input and encouragement (that he think things through well, and actually take actions he thinks will work) are essential. It's easy to put it out if his mind and just hope things get better... Which might work, but only if that's what he really thinks is sensible -- not if he's doing it by default. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 I disagree with the people saying let him handle the situation and just be supportive. When a job isn't working out for a family finacially or mentally it is both spouses responsibility to work on the issue since it so both of you who are effected. The only thing that causes tension in my marriage is dh's job and it has been doing so for 7 years. When I felt it was time for him to move on we were both involved in the decision making because it effected both of us. Ultimately, we decided too stick it out a little longer even though he was offered a job with the same pay but with better hours and benefits. I wasn't entirely happy with the decision but I would have been livid if dh made it by hmself. So angry I would have gotten my own job and forced him to either quit or risk losing his family. I no way am I saying that both partners shouldn't make decisions together. That has nothing to do with saying things like, "you should tell your boss this X" or "you really need to talk to your bigger boss, he would want to know about this" and other ways of helpfully pressing him into action. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 Having lived with someone who tried to quit smoking during financial crunch time, I'd say it has to be their decision. After about day 3 or 5, I wanted to throw a carton at them and send them to the porch. I think quitting smoking is worse than quitting other addictive substances. Otherwise, I'd make sure you have enough set aside for food and savings and hand out an allowance of sorts for cigarettes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanny Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 If he is a trucker with a good driving record, I read an article, within the past 7 to 10 days, on FoxNews.com about a huge shortage of truck drivers in the USA. So if he and his new boss don't get along, possibly he should be looking on the job boards and Truckers web sites at the ads... GL to your family! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest inoubliable Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 Yes to looking for a new job. It is good to look around every couple of years as a matter of course. It is always important to have an updated CV and be ready to take an opportunity if it presents itself. As for the cigs and coffee, can you meet halfway? If there isn't $ for food, then there isn't $ for coffee and cigs. That is just life. But, that might be something he has to come to on his own. Is the coffee $ the ONLY place that would be cut to save money? That doesn't seem fair. What if everything took a 10% cut for a month, then a 15% cut etc. You could even cap the coffee $ reduction and tell him it has to be cut by 20% and leave it at that. It's not an all or nothing situation. Or make it for short trips and he buys for long hauls etc. It seems like there can be some flexibility in there. What about diet soda on the road for long trips? That can provide the caffeine but costs less. Just avoid the sugar. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 Oh, as for me working too. (Sorry, I can't quote right now?) I've been looking. Now that we have the second car, I could get something in town. I just haven't seen anything yet. I have a young teen at home who can look after his brothers for a while, but I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with leaving them for 8+ hours. Maybe something overnight will open up. I am looking, though! Maybe seasonal jobs will open up soon. Be careful about stretching yourself too thin. You've been under tremendous stress for a while now, and you had an illness and a big move and lots of major changes. If you can find a fun and low-stress way to bring in a few dollars, that would be great, but please don't sacrifice your health or your well-being to make money. As for the coffee and cigarettes, I like the Thermos idea, and I also think you could save quite a bit of money if your dh would try to cut his smoking in half, rather than trying to quit altogether. I'm sorry to hear about these new worries. They're the last thing you need right now. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest inoubliable Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan C. Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 Rice ideas: Rice, honey/sugar, cinnamon and milk cereal for breakfast. Try to get cheap whole chickens to bake, then use the bones for broth to cook the rice in. And a large bag of dried pinto/black/kidney beans to stretch it all. Onions and garlic for flavor. Don't worry about paying down debt just yet, its too soon. Minimum payments for now. You can pay down, then recharge for food for a short bit if you need to. You are still in transition. Dh needs to be in a good job first. Did he transfer within a company? If so, can he get another job in the company? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speedmom4 Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 Coffee and cigarettes at the same time? Plus a stressful job situation? No way. Would he be willing to brew the coffee and home and bring it with him to work? Also, would he be able to cut back on cigarettes a little at a time? Get the Total Money Makeover book by Dave Ramsey or go to Financial Peace University to help get out of debt! Elise in NC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest inoubliable Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest inoubliable Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan C. Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 Beans are easy! Pintos and kidney, just put them in a pan with lid on stove (not turned on yet) and double amount of water, allow room for beans to expand. Let sit overnight (again, stove not on). Pintos are really good (think beans and cornbread). Black beans need some vinegar or lemon juice in soaking water to help w/digestion. Next day, change out water, then put new water in w/salt (garlic and onion if you have it, just salt is still good). When it first starts to boil, skim the foam off, then let simmer 2-3 hours. Keep checking so they don't get mushy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 Dried beans are very easy to cook in a crockpot, but don't cook kidney beans in there without boiling them for 10 minutes first. (Some kind of toxin...) All other beans are dump and go! Butchers often give bones away for free or nearly free--add to beans when you're cooking or make stock. You don't need veggies to make stock! There's a ramen "recipe" that's actually pretty good. Add peanut butter and soy sauce to drained, cooked noodles to make a sort of peanut noodle. I add rice wine vinegar, lime, and sriracha. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest inoubliable Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 He does brew at home and take with him, but he doesn't take a whole lot. He takes enough to get him to work and then he has to work with unloading and loading trailers. Not much time to stop and have coffee. That's the reason he buys on the road. I'm thinking of trying one of those really big Thermos containers and seeing if he can get the refill price at a convenience store. I think he's cut back on cigarettes already but he might have to again. :( He'll probably need to buy one of the convenience store's thermos to get their refill price. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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