How do you handle problem friends?

[Aspasia]

Dd7 has a little neighbor friend who is a real challenge to me. Let's see, a few of my problems with her:

 

- She's really mean to my younger kids. One day I actually saw her pull dd2's apple out of her hand and then shove it back at her, pushing her down on the sidewalk. For no other reason than to assert some dominance (I guess?). She's always talking rudely to ds4, calling him names, telling him he can't play with them, telling him he isn't good at things, etc.

 

- She encourages dd to blatantly disobey me. There have been a couple occasions where they ask for something, I say no, and then I hear this girl whisper in dd's ear to take it when I leave the room. And one time when my mom was here, they asked for some tick tacks, mom said no, friend whispered something in dd's ear, and then dd WENT INTO MY MOM'S PURSE, and took the tick tacks. My mom called them on it, of course. They climb on our car in the garage (I leave the garage door open during the day so the kids have access to their bikes and toys. They know not to touch the car and it's usually not a problem...except when this friend is here).

 

- She doesn't mind me. I let the kids have a snack outside yesterday, making it very clear that they needed to put the trash in the trash. After the snack, everyone cleaned up except her. She insisted that the wrapper belonged to dd (because she's always throwing her under the bus). I asked her to pick it up. She totally wouldn't. When babies are napping and I ask her not to follow dd upstairs (if dd needs to get something from her room), friend just follows her up the stairs like she didn't hear me.

 

- Speaking of throwing dd under the bus, she's super mean to her! She's bossy, she talks rudely to her, she threatens to go home any time she doesn't get what she wants. Dd is a people pleaser and values friends above oxygen, so she cow tows to this girl all the time. I've talked to her a lot about how friends should treat each other, that she needs to expect to be respected, that she can go ahead and let friend go home for awhile if she is making threats--she always comes back anyway.

 

I could seriously go on all day. Dd says she likes her because they like to do the same things and they have fun together. I feel like that's only worth so much if someone doesn't respect you, your siblings, your mother, your things, etc..

 

Oh, and this child is actually two years YOUNGER than dd! And she dominates her like this!

 

What do I do? In my perfect world, this child would move across the country tomorrow. But unfortunately she lives across the street. Help?

[Home'scool]

my daughter had a friend like this when she was young. A real stinker. I finally had to call the mother and explain that I was not going to let them play together anymore. I said they just weren't compatible and too many issues had come up. It was a very hard phone call to make but then  the situation was over and we could get on with our lives.

[mrs.m]

Make the rules very clear next time she comes over. Send her home as soon as she breaks one of your rules. She'll straighten up as far as that part goes or get tired of coming over and having to follow the rules, so she won't come over again.

 

The other stuff, your daughter needs to learn to work out on her own. And make sure your daughter gets consequences even for making choices a friend may have encouraged her to make. She still has a choice to do what is right and this can be a good lesson for her if she is easily swayed.

 

Of course, you always can make the choice to just end the relationship.

[Kathryn]

I would not let her in my house and I'd tell her why.

[MomatHWTK]

2nd time she talked mean to any of my kids would have been the end of the friendship. (She would have gotten a warning the first time.)

First time she lied to me or tried to get one of my kids to lie to me would have been the end. 

[Bambam]

When my older dd's friend was every mean to my youngest dd, I explained to her that she had to be nice to *everyone* in the house. If she couldn't be nice, she would have to go home right then. And she would have gone home. After several times of this, I just reminded when she came over, you will be nice or you will go home. Period.

 

When this same friend would encourage my dd to be directly disobedient *or* convince her to do stuff the friend was pretty sure I would not allow, same friend was also told to go home. Friends do not encourage their friends to do stuff to get them in trouble. I talked that over with my dd to encourage her to stand up to her friend. She's much better now, but she had plenty of early practice!

 

And I did walk the child to the sidewalk in front of her home and watch to make sure she got in the house. I'm pretty sure the mom knew what was going on, but she never dealt with her dd's issues.  

 

I'll add that the age of the child determines some of this. For a 3-5 yo, I'm willing to work to try to teach them. For an 8-9 yo, I expect you have this basic knowledge already developed. If not, you aren't going to get any warnings, just removal.

[Desert Strawberry]

I would not let her in my house and I'd tell her why.

Yes. "Your behavior is unacceptable. You may not mistreat my children, or disobey me. You are not welcome here." 

I wouldn't have any qualms telling the mother this as well. The behavior you are describing, I would be willing to start a war over. 

Quietly, and only if necessary.

[kewb]

My ds has a friend like that. I didn't want to outright ban the friend because that makes the friend attractive. I ended up seriously restricting the amount of time they could spend together.

At one point I did ban the kid from my home because he was mean to Dd. I didn't feel she should have to put up with that in her own home.

To restrict time ds spent with this kid I made sure we had other things to do and assigned chores that had to be completed before he could go over friends house.

This year I have allowed the kid back in the house because he has shown great growth and maturity.

[Aspasia]

Make the rules very clear next time she comes over. Send her home as soon as she breaks one of your rules. She'll straighten up as far as that part goes or get tired of coming over and having to follow the rules, so she won't come over again.

 

The other stuff, your daughter needs to learn to work out on her own. And make sure your daughter gets consequences even for making choices a friend may have encouraged her to make. She still has a choice to do what is right and this can be a good lesson for her if she is easily swayed.

 

Of course, you always can make the choice to just end the relationship.

 

 

Oh, yes, she certainly gets consequences for the bad choices she makes under friend's influence. And when she complains about those consequences, and tries to blame friend ("But she wanted to!" "She said she would go home if I didn't"), I take the opportunity to show explain to her that friends don't encourage their friends to do things that will get them in trouble. And if dd can't make good decisions, despite friend's requests, she will continue to suffer the consequences of her poor choices.

 

I would love to end the relationship, but how? All the kids in the neighborhood run around together, so they'll always have access to each other, even if it's not at my house.

 

 

2nd time she talked mean to any of my kids would have been the end of the friendship. (She would have gotten a warning the first time.)

First time she lied to me or tried to get one of my kids to lie to me would have been the end.

 

How? How do I end the friendship???

[Aspasia]

I have definitely become very firm with this kid. I've told her that if she can't be nice to all of my kids, she can't play with any of my kids. And I've sent her home for infractions.

 

Honestly, I guess I just feel like I have four of my own kids to discipline. I have four kids' needs and behavior problems to deal with. I don't WANT to have to discipline other people's kids. They don't have to discipline mine. Believe me, I ask other parents what my kids are like at their houses, and I open the door wide for them to tell me about issues, because I want to know. They all tell me my kids are super respectful and compliant, and I believe it. They can be pills with me, but I can't imagine my kids ever blatantly disobeying another adult. I was a pill as a kid, too, but NEVER to someone else's mom. And the few times another mom even had to remind me of something, I was on my very best behavior for the rest of the day. Aren't other people's moms kind of the scariest? ;)

 

I don't see how I can feasibly end the relationship, just given the proximity and the interconnectedness of all the neighbors. I also don't want to completely ban her from the house, because then dd will just play with her elsewhere, and I won't be able to monitor some of this stuff. Plus, dd definitely seems to like things more when she knows I don't like them. I don't get it.

 

It's a good idea, though, for me to remind this girl of the rules every single time she comes over, and send her home at the first violation. Every time. She's still pretty little. Hopefully she'll learn.

[VeteranMom]

My dd had a friend like the one you are describing.  She had no respect for anything anyone told her.  My daughter eventually saw the issues with this girl and doesn't like to hang around her anymore.  The problem with a kid like that is that they can make a situation become dangerous due to their disrespect for others.    

[PrincessMommy]

Dd7 has a little neighbor friend who is a real challenge to me. Let's see, a few of my problems with her:

 

- She's really mean to my younger kids. One day I actually saw her pull dd2's apple out of her hand and then shove it back at her, pushing her down on the sidewalk. For no other reason than to assert some dominance (I guess?). She's always talking rudely to ds4, calling him names, telling him he can't play with them, telling him he isn't good at things, etc.

 

- She encourages dd to blatantly disobey me. There have been a couple occasions where they ask for something, I say no, and then I hear this girl whisper in dd's ear to take it when I leave the room. And one time when my mom was here, they asked for some tick tacks, mom said no, friend whispered something in dd's ear, and then dd WENT INTO MY MOM'S PURSE, and took the tick tacks. My mom called them on it, of course. They climb on our car in the garage (I leave the garage door open during the day so the kids have access to their bikes and toys. They know not to touch the car and it's usually not a problem...except when this friend is here).

 

- She doesn't mind me. I let the kids have a snack outside yesterday, making it very clear that they needed to put the trash in the trash. After the snack, everyone cleaned up except her. She insisted that the wrapper belonged to dd (because she's always throwing her under the bus). I asked her to pick it up. She totally wouldn't. When babies are napping and I ask her not to follow dd upstairs (if dd needs to get something from her room), friend just follows her up the stairs like she didn't hear me.

 

- Speaking of throwing dd under the bus, she's super mean to her! She's bossy, she talks rudely to her, she threatens to go home any time she doesn't get what she wants. Dd is a people pleaser and values friends above oxygen, so she cow tows to this girl all the time. I've talked to her a lot about how friends should treat each other, that she needs to expect to be respected, that she can go ahead and let friend go home for awhile if she is making threats--she always comes back anyway.

 

I could seriously go on all day. Dd says she likes her because they like to do the same things and they have fun together. I feel like that's only worth so much if someone doesn't respect you, your siblings, your mother, your things, etc..

 

Oh, and this child is actually two years YOUNGER than dd! And she dominates her like this!

 

What do I do? In my perfect world, this child would move across the country tomorrow. But unfortunately she lives across the street. Help?

 

I have a dd like this too (actually more than once)... and we had some neighbor kids who were similar (although not nearly so bad)...but mostly they did not treat dd well.  The pull for having a friend was so strong and, yes, it was so hard because they're right there next door.  But, after they moved away the true stories came out from my dd.  What you see is probably only 1/2 of what your dd is experiencing.  Some of this lead to depression and self-injury for my dd.    I was heartbroken that I didn't know about that stuff, and that my dd never told me (she said it's was because she wanted her friend to stay her friend - :crying: ).  And in one case I *know* the other mother would have been horrified too.  They are nice, nice people and we could have worked something out between us parents.  

 

I'm not saying that you should absolutely not let this little girl play with your dd, because I know how important friendships are to kids like your dd (and my dds).... but I'm just warning you that you've probably only seen the surface of the problem.  How best to deal with it is something only you and your spouse can really figure out.  :grouphug:   Its really, really hard when it's a neighbor problem because you really can't get away from them.    Prayers that you can find the right solution.

[Word Nerd]

BTDT, unfortunately. DD eventually stopped seeking that friend out on her own because she realized, "T isn't a very good friend and is mean to almost everyone." Moving to the country made it easier, too, as she couldn't just come over all the time to play.

I would call her on it when she acts up and send her home if she won't knock it off. DD's friend thinks I'm mean because I ended so many play times and sent her home. She did eventually take me seriously when I said, "You need to stop ____ if you want to keep playing."

[Aspasia]

I have a dd like this too (actually more than once)... and we had some neighbor kids who were similar (although not nearly so bad)...but mostly they did not treat dd well. The pull for having a friend was so strong and, yes, it was so hard because they're right there next door. But, after they moved away the true stories came out from my dd. What you see is probably only 1/2 of what your dd is experiencing. Some of this lead to depression and self-injury for my dd. I was heartbroken that I didn't know about that stuff, and that my dd never told me (she said it's was because she wanted her friend to stay her friend - :crying: ). And in one case I *know* the other mother would have been horrified too. They are nice, nice people and we could have worked something out between us parents.

 

I'm not saying that you should absolutely not let this little girl play with your dd, because I know how important friendships are to kids like your dd (and my dds).... but I'm just warning you that you've probably only seen the surface of the problem. How best to deal with it is something only you and your spouse can really figure out. :grouphug: Its really, really hard when it's a neighbor problem because you really can't get away from them. Prayers that you can find the right solution.

This is definitely one of my prime concerns. From past experience, I know that dd will do anything--tell any lie, blame any other friend--to protect this particular girl. She has been grounded from her before, and she knows when that possibility is on the table, so she'll do anything to protect friend's "innocence". She caught on a long time ago to the fact that I have problems with this kid, and she has responded by clinging to her for dear life.

[bolt.]

First, make them "outdoor only friends" -- no coming in the house, no coming in the garage, no taking indoor toys outside to show/play with each other. Set outdoor play times in a somewhat specific way, with limits.

 

Second, ramp up your supervision of outdoor play... It's nice to be able to send them out to play freely, but it's probably better if you get a lawn chair and set up where you can see and hear what is going on.

 

Third, interfere by teaching. Go into the group and speak to your children, "I heard Suzy say something like xyz. A good answer is abc. Try it." // "Suzy, I don't allow my children to play with unkind friends. You need to be kind to all of my children or I will make them stop playing with you."

 

Fourth, interfere by sending your kids home. "This group has become unfriendly. Come inside with me (for cookies) instead of playing this way. I don't allow you to play with unkind people/groups.

 

Fifth, interfere by sending the other child home. "You need to go home now. You can't play in out yard any more today. Go home."

 

Sixth, make better friends. Roaming the neighbourhood is fun, but planned activities with other friends, groups or destinations are a lot more fun. Basically, you can excipse her power by meeting your kids social desires preemptively.

[zoobie]

If your DD can't say no to this girl and can't make good choices on her own, she's not ready for unsupervised play around the neighborhood.

 

If they're playing in your yard/house under your supervision, you can send her home when she's inappropriate. If you don't have time to supervise, send her home.

[idnib]

If your DD can't say no to this girl and can't make good choices on her own, she's not ready for unsupervised play around the neighborhood.

 

If they're playing in your yard/house under your supervision, you can send her home when she's inappropriate. If you don't have time to supervise, send her home.

 

I agree. If she's under the girl's influence and will lie to protect her, she's not ready to be out in the neighborhood without you.

[ThisIsTheDay]

Dd7 has a little neighbor friend who is a real challenge to me. Let's see, a few of my problems with her:

 

- She's really mean to my younger kids. One day I actually saw her pull dd2's apple out of her hand and then shove it back at her, pushing her down on the sidewalk. For no other reason than to assert some dominance (I guess?). She's always talking rudely to ds4, calling him names, telling him he can't play with them, telling him he isn't good at things, etc.

 

Honestly, I didn't have to read past this.  A child who was unkind to my other children would not be in my home.  Period.

 

Been there, done that, NO KID EVER should have to listen to that, especially when it's an invited guest.  I might give one child having a bad day a second chance, but other than that, NO WAY.

 

I dealt with problem children by keeping my kids safe from them.

[MeAndTheBoys]

We have similar situations.  I love that my kids are old enough to play outside without me monitoring everything--but with a similar neighborhood situation, I had to "watch" for a while.  And I started jumping in and correcting.

 

In our situation, it would have been difficult to end the playing together.

 

I had to put a lock on our freezer because neighbors were opening it and getting out popsicles; I had to tell my kids to not take any toys outside; I had to label a lot of things that kept getting "confused" with other toys.  I could list all the petty things but that isn't important--

 

Point being, I had to interfere for a while.  Some days, my kids would come tattling, and I told them, You either work it out or come inside.

 

It is hard--for a time, my kids were prisoners in the house because if they were outside, the neighbors wanted to play, so sometimes they just had to come in.

 

It is frustrating too, because no matter how many times I corrected, they still didn't seem to "get" that there is a problem with snatching things away, punching, stealing food out of my freezer . . .Crazy--

 

B--

[MomatHWTK]

I am very strict with my kids on the issue of peer influence so my answer will be more restrictive than what you might want..

 

If my child is going outside to play, succumbing to peer pressure and doing something inappropriate- they don't get to go outside and play anymore.  There is no blaming the other kid.  Blaming someone else is you telling me you aren't mature enough to handle the situation, thus, I will remove you from the situation. 

 

I am freer with my children who stop the situation or come to me immediately for help when someone is trying to lead them astray.  My follower isn't a "bad" kid, but he doesn't always think things through and will follow the crowd right over the cliff. 

 

 

My main goal for my own children is to guide their hearts.  If they can't make good decisions when I'm not around, then I've not served them well.

 

Based on your later posts, I would start reaching out to your daughter and finding out why she enjoys being contrary to you and repair that relationship. 

 

(We used to call one of my kids "The Contrarian"  ;)  )

 

 

[myfunnybunch]

I would be kind to the child no matter what.

(Not saying that you're not. Just that putting that value at the forefront helps guide the way you interact, even if you decide they can no longer play together.)

 

I would limit their time together to times when I could be an active presence.

 

I would plan structured activities (painting, baking cookies, playing hopscotch and drawing with sidewalk chalk, etc.) and allow limited free play together, in my presence.

 

I would not let my child play at the other child's house.

 

I would explain to my children that in our family, we (fill in the blank) and it's important that Neighbor Girl follow family rules at our house.

 

The moment Neighbor Girl gets whisper-y, disobeys house rules, destroys, steals, is disrespectful or rude to anyone, I would kindly and politely let her know that behavior is unacceptable and nicely send her home, or call my children inside.

 

I would not relax these rules until the child's behavior improved considerably.

 

We had some neighbor children who were difficult guests. Once I finally got over the idea that I had to be "nice" and started kindly setting firm boundaries at home, things improved greatly. I was very up front about house rules and that the consequence would be immediate end to play time, and no play time for a few days. It took time and consistency and lots of, "Sorry it didn't work out this time, let's try again next week," to get there. It paid off. The young lady became a mostly pleasant guest AND one of my dd's dearest friends, and was a wonderful support for my dd when she was struggling with some challenges. My dd is now 21 and they are still friends. I don't think that's possible for every kid relationship, but in our case I think our neighbor needed clear boundaries, kindness, and time to mature.

 

Cat

[lynn]

We have a problem child next door.   She started bullying dd when older kids were around.  I don't put up with that C@@p.  DD finally has started telling problem child she will no longer play with her however sometimes dd wants to give her a chance and it always ends with dd coming home.  She use to come home crying and problem child liked that but the last time dd just came home.   Problem child acts like her best friend at school and dd says she just ignores her and plays with her own friends.

[jelbe5]

Agreeing with many others here. I would tell this girl that she is welcome to play as long as she plays nicely with everyone and follows my rules. At the first infraction I would walk her back home and explain why playtime is over. I would also limit playtime to a short period of time.

 

Honestly, after re-reading your description of how this girl is mean to all your children, including your oldest, I think I would be tempted to end the "friendship" altogether. I know that might sound harsh and mean and perhaps this girl needs an adult who is willing to patiently set limits and model appropriate behavior and interpersonal skills. However, you have to ask yourself if it is worth your time and energy, possibly at the expense of your own children.

 

ETA - if you allow them to play have them play outside only, under your supervision in your yard and for a limited amount of time.

[Catwoman]

Ummm... not for anything, but THAT KID IS NOT A FRIEND.

 

Why would you even let your dd play with her? :confused:

[mommymonster]

We have this issue, even down to the kid being two years younger than DS. Luckily, the other kid goes to public school, so during the school year it is less of an issue. In the summer, I keep my kids *busy*. Naughty Boy is at the door again wanting to play? Well, shucks, we were planning to go to the library. Or to the park. Or to visit Auntie. Whatever. 

 

If there is a herd of kids outside and I don't like how it is progressing, I have no trouble calling the boys in and distracting them (snack, chores, whatever). 

 

While an uncomfortable situation, it's better dealt with now than when they are teens. Really.

[Reefgazer]

Really, this kid would be off-limits in our house.  Ending this friendship would take repeated attempts to refuse the child entry into your home, and calling your DD inside or to another activity until they drifted away from each other.  It's also time to discuss the poor treatment of your DD by this child, and impress upon DD that children who treat her this way should be avoided permanently.

[redsquirrel]

 

 

Oh, yes, she certainly gets consequences for the bad choices she makes under friend's influence. And when she complains about those consequences, and tries to blame friend ("But she wanted to!" "She said she would go home if I didn't"), I take the opportunity to show explain to her that friends don't encourage their friends to do things that will get them in trouble. And if dd can't make good decisions, despite friend's requests, she will continue to suffer the consequences of her poor choices.

 

I would love to end the relationship, but how? All the kids in the neighborhood run around together, so they'll always have access to each other, even if it's not at my house.

 

 

How? How do I end the friendship???

 

I don't understand the problem. Your kid is 7, not 14. You still have complete control over where she goes and who she spends time with. She clearly needs the supervision if only to keep her safe.

 

You don't allow her to accept invitations to that friend's house first of all. You don't have to give a reason to another 7 year old who comes over to see if your kids want to play. You just say no. You say they can't leave but you can tell the other children they are welcome to play at your house. 

 

And if the 'friend' comes over, I would send that little missy home in a heartbeat the moment she was mean to any one at my house or disobeyed me. Period. And I have done it. I have said, "We don't talk to each other like that in this house. We speak with respect and kindness to each other. Every time you act like that in this house you will get sent home. I know you can use kind words, and as long as you do, you can play here. Now go home. We'll see you another day after you have decided to speak to others kindly." Or "No one is allowed to hit or hurt another person's body in this house. You are hitting and hurting other people so you have to go home now. I know you can play without hurting other people and as long as you do you can play here. No go home. We'll see you another day after you have decided not to hit or hurt."

 

I personally would never allow my 7 year old to 'run around' the neighborhood, no matter how safe it seems. At that age my kids deserve my constant attention and supervision for exactly the reasons you are describing. I did allow a 7 year old to play in his or her own backyard, providing it is fenced and I can easily check on them at any time. But beyond that I would not permit it. Too much can happen and a 7 year old shouldn't be expected to deal with it. Around here, they won't even allow a 7 year old to get off the school bus unless there is an adult waiting at the stop to bring the child inside.

 

If there are peers in the neighborhood they are welcome to play on my property as long as they can obey my rules. If not they can leave, but my kid can't leave to go play with them. I am fine with my kids being  invited to another house if I know the other parent is someone I can trust and will also supervise the kids. I am happy to provide snacks and drinks of water and a sprinkler and games and all that entails. But I am going to be the gatekeeper. That is my job. And if you can't follow my rules you are sent home without a second thought.

[Kathryn]

If your DD can't say no to this girl and can't make good choices on her own, she's not ready for unsupervised play around the neighborhood.

 

If they're playing in your yard/house under your supervision, you can send her home when she's inappropriate. If you don't have time to supervise, send her home.

I agree.

[Cera]

I only allow my kids to play with "problem" children under my direct supervision.  I have found that either the "problem" child chafes at my redirection and no longer wants to come play or craves adult direction and changes her behavior so she becomes pleasant enough at my home for me to allow my children to play unsupervised with her (I use her because my experience has been with girls).

[maize]

Agreeing that it doesn't sound like your DD is ready to run around the neighborhood unsupervised.

 

In our last neighborhood there was a group of kids ages 6-9 who ran around together; one child was very disrespectful of property and boundaries and encouraged the others to do the same. The kids actually broke into our house when we were on vacation and created a huge mess, including playing with matches lighting paper on fire inside the house. The six year old was a friend of my daughter's and a very sweet girl, she would never have been involved in such a plan if she had not been following someone else.

 

Given everything you have said, especially the part about this girl encouraging your DD to be sneaky and dishonest, I would keep them far away from each other and absolutely stop the running around the neighborhood together outside your supervision.

 

I'm sorry. I would be working to create other social outlets for your child.

[Aspasia]

I should clarify what I mean when I say the kids "run around the neighborhood". We live on a short culdesac with a total of seven houses. The street that leads to our culdesac ends in another culdesac right past our street. So the kids are running around right in front of my eyes in our own culdesac, or in our backyard. Dd has to ask permission to go to the other culdesac (which opens up almost immediately to the left of the top of our street, which is one house away). Even then, I can see and hear them from my front porch in the backyards of the houses they play at. So it doesn't feel terribly reckless to me.

 

I would limit their time together to times when I could be an active presence.

 

I would plan structured activities (painting, baking cookies, playing hopscotch and drawing with sidewalk chalk, etc.) and allow limited free play together, in my presence.

 

I would not let my child play at the other child's house.

 

I would explain to my children that in our family, we (fill in the blank) and it's important that Neighbor Girl follow family rules at our house.

 

The moment Neighbor Girl gets whisper-y, disobeys house rules, destroys, steals, is disrespectful or rude to anyone, I would kindly and politely let her know that behavior is unacceptable and nicely send her home, or call my children inside.

 

I would not relax these rules until the child's behavior improved considerably.

 

We had some neighbor children who were difficult guests. Once I finally got over the idea that I had to be "nice" and started kindly setting firm boundaries at home, things improved greatly. I was very up front about house rules and that the consequence would be immediate end to play time, and no play time for a few days. It took time and consistency and lots of, "Sorry it didn't work out this time, let's try again next week," to get there. It paid off. The young lady became a mostly pleasant guest AND one of my dd's dearest friends, and was a wonderful support for my dd when she was struggling with some challenges. My dd is now 21 and they are still friends. I don't think that's possible for every kid relationship, but in our case I think our neighbor needed clear boundaries, kindness, and time to mature.

 

Cat

This is great advice. I like the idea of keeping their time together structured.

 

We have this issue, even down to the kid being two years younger than DS. Luckily, the other kid goes to public school, so during the school year it is less of an issue. In the summer, I keep my kids *busy*. Naughty Boy is at the door again wanting to play? Well, shucks, we were planning to go to the library. Or to the park. Or to visit Auntie. Whatever.

 

This is fabulous. :)

[Aspasia]

I talked with neighbor girl today when she came over. Told her that we have had some problems recently so I just wanted to remind her of the rules at our house and told her that if she forgets, she will be invited to go home for the rest of the day.

 

Tonight I also had a very good, long talk with dd about teaching people to respect her. She told me some of the ways neighbor girl tries to control her. We talked about what might happen if neighbor girl really does go home when she doesn't get her way. Will she really never play with you again, as she threatens? Hardly. When you allow her to treat you unkindly, and then give in to her on top of that, you're teaching her that it's okay to be mean, AND it gets her what she wants. Is that the lesson you want to teach her about how to treat you? No. Then I gave her some specific words, which we practiced, for her to use next time neighbor girl turns on the "charm". "You have to treat me and my family with respect or I won't play with you."

 

Interesting side note. Dd and I were also talking earlier tonight about my mom and her house, which has always been rather messy and chaotic. Dd asked if that's because grandma never cleans. I said, "That's part of it, but you know, another part of her problem is that my brothers and sisters go to her house whenever they want, when she's at work. They mess up her house and allow their kids to mess up her house, and then they just leave. So it's really hard for her to stay on top of it. Nobody respects her or her home." So then when we were later talking about dd's "friend," she said, "Why doesn't Grandma teach everyone to respect her?" Exactly. She has never demanded that people respect her, and she has had a hard life filled with people taking advantage of her because of it. :( Anyway, I explained to dd that I want her to learn now how to teach people to respect her, because it would make me very sad if she grew up to be an adult who allowed everyone to mistreat her, just because she never wanted to upset them or lose their "friendship."

 

I wish I could just eliminate this friendship altogether, but logistically, I just can't see it really working. They do play together much less during the school year, so I'm looking forward to that.

[jelbe5]

Good for you! What a great conversation! And I agree that while it might be easier to eliminate the friendship, it is a great teaching opportunity . . . Hopefully for Neighbor Girl, too. I would be very interested in hearing how the girl responds to you and your daughter as you both set limits and raise the expectation of good behavior.

[PrairieSong]

Sounds like you had a great talk with your daughter! So your daughter is 7 and this ther girl is only 5??? Wow. She doesn't sound like the kind of friend I'd want around my dd, but maybe dd will begin to see that, too, if her friend continues to be disrespectful. Or maybe you and dd will begin to have a good influence on the neighbor girl and she will change her tune.