lovinmyboys Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 I feel so stuck and I just can't get past it. Dh is getting ready to mobilize for a year about 1200 miles from where we live. He will be staying on an army post in the US. Family is not authorized to go, but they can't not let us. Dh is in a weird position in that he makes a lot less money in the military than he does in his civilian job (he makes less than 6 figures in his civilian job and we are a family of 6). If the family goes with him he makes even less because he won't get some additional allowances. Here are the options I can come up with: we stay here and try to pay for two households on less money than we currently use to pay for one. We have no family here and I am really worried about my mental health because I will spend a year alone with four little kids and no extra money to pay for babysitting, paper plates, anything to make my life easier. We could go with him and pretty much take on debt that will take forever to pay off. They are giving him the cost of a plane ticket to get there, so we would just load up our vehicles and take what we need and buy anything else there as cheaply as we can. I don't want to do either of those things. I am just so irrationally mad about the whole thing. Dh says I have to pick one. The only other option is for me to divorce him and give him sole custody of the kids. Even then he would still have to go, but he would ask people in his family to care for them for the year. Obviously that is a dumb idea, and I don't have money to get divorced even if I wanted to. It just illustrates how stuck I feel. I haven't been sleeping. I have a constant headache. I can't make any decisions-what to store, Rent or sell our house, etc. I am just so mad and Stressed. And yes, I do realize lots of people have it much worse than me. Dh has been deployed three times for a total of three years. After the last one I told him I couldn't do it anymore. I really can't, and yet I am going to have to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
City Mouse Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 What an awful situation to be in. Do you have any family or friends that you could live to be near even if it is not near you DH? What about your husbands relatives? Since you said they would take the kids if he had sole custody, would they help if you lived nearby? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 Wow, I don't understand. I thought the military had to move the family. Is that not true? I am so sorry... I wouldn't be able to handle it either. How much time does he have left to serve? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 I agree with City Mouse, is there family that you could move in with or live near? When Dad was deployed for over a year and we were not allowed any direct contact Mom told him she would have to have family support so Dad moved us back to live near her parents. We got a little rental, sold off whatever we didn't need, and lived very frugally near my maternal grandparents. We lived close enough that we could walk to nearly everything so gas wasn't really an issue and my grandparents were in walking distance, too. I frequently walked to their house after school. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovinmyboys Posted August 17, 2014 Author Share Posted August 17, 2014 Yes, I forgot another couple of options. We did talk about me moving near our families. That is an option and at one time the front runner. They live about halfway between us and where Dh will be. Plus, Dh could fly from where he is to where his family lives for really cheap. The problem is we would still have to fix up our house to rent and pay to move and find a place to rent there. It seems like if we are going to move we may as we'll move where Dh is. If we for some reason had a month with no renters we would be paying for 3 households. The other option is to be travelers for the year. We could keep our house as where we "live" and then go visit Dh for a while, and visit various family members for a few weeks at a time. Then, we could come back to our house for downtime and then make another trip. Then, we could get the extra money and still see Dh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JumpyTheFrog Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 Can you go stay with your family for a year? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 Long term are you planning on staying where you are now? Is that one of the bigger issues? You don't want to give up your current home? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovinmyboys Posted August 17, 2014 Author Share Posted August 17, 2014 Right. Dh has a job he loves here. Next year, when the mobilization is over, he is returning to his job. We are going to be living in this area long term. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speedmom4 Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 Sounds like you are in a very difficult situation. I would not take on debt. That would be an additional burden. A woman in my neighborhood was in a similar situation. Her husband was leaving for a year and I think he went to Iraq or Afghanistan so his family was not going to go. Her whole family lives on the West coast so she rented out her home and rented a place near her family knowing it was just for a year. They had a blast. Is there any way you could do something similar? Elise in NC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinder Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 :grouphug: I like your idea of visiting about for a bit then coming home for a bit. But I don't have 4 littles to care for. Will you have any support where you live now? Friends, family? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovinmyboys Posted August 17, 2014 Author Share Posted August 17, 2014 We could live with my parents if we needed to. They are great. I just think a year is a long time for them to put up with four little boys in their house. We have talked about asking them. More likely though is that we would try to rent a place near them. Both mine and Dh family love in the same city, so I would have a lot of help there. It's just the hassle and expense of moving for a year, and the uncertainty of having a renter for our house that is keeping me from that option. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speedmom4 Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 The other option is to be travelers for the year. We could keep our house as where we "live" and then go visit Dh for a while, and visit various family members for a few weeks at a time. Then, we could come back to our house for downtime and then make another trip. Then, we could get the extra money and still see Dh. This sounds like your best option. My mother has always said, "You can do anything for a year." It won't be easy but you can do it! Elise in NC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coralloyd Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 I would go with dh. I am usually never for debt, but being together as a family is ten times more important to me. I don't think you will regret putting the relationship first. Sorry you are in this horrible situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovinmyboys Posted August 17, 2014 Author Share Posted August 17, 2014 Sounds like you are in a very difficult situation. I would not take on debt. That would be an additional burden. A woman in my neighborhood was in a similar situation. Her husband was leaving for a year and I think he went to Iraq or Afghanistan so his family was not going to go. Her whole family lives on the West coast so she rented out her home and rented a place near her family knowing it was just for a year. They had a blast. Is there any way you could do something similar? Elise in NC Dh looks at the situation more like this. What a fabulous time to go live in a new area of the country or live by family. Think of how much fun it will be. While I can imagine it being fun, I just can't get there yet. I just see money trouble, and lots of work getting things in storage, moving, and fixing our house up for renters. I know I have a bad attitude about the whole thing. My kids may look back at this year as one of the best of their childhoods. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flyingiguana Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 Anyone you'd care to rent a room out to? Who might be good enough friends to watch the kids now and then? I know I wouldn't -- but some people have lots of friends so this option might work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 I'm confused about the two households thing. Wouldn't he be able to stay inexpensively in barracks if he is by himself? If that's the case, there wouldn't be a need for two entirely separate households, would there? Also, what are other areas in which you would save money if he were on base? Gas? What else? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 Right now you are stressed and going in circles without solid answers but with what appears to be lots of work and no upsides for you. It makes it hard to think through this rationally. What if you talk to a real estate agent to see how good the market is for renters right now? Doesn't cost anything and it might give you more useful information in the decision process. And maybe ask around to see if you have any friends that are interested in renting for the year? Also, see if there are any homeschooled teenagers in the area that would be willing to work for a commission that could help you hold a garage sale, sort, pack, store stuff.... Then also talk to your parents and feel them out. Just to open up that possibility more. If they seem really amenable then you know you really do have a solid option there. Perhaps you could TRY living with them for a couple of months, so you are not committing to renting a house right away, and it gives you more time to find a renter for your current home. Then you could still do the traveling about thing if you decide that is the better option once you get a renter for the home you want to return to. Just put a lot in storage or sell off stuff you don't think you will need anymore. Travel lean. It seems daunting but I have found it so freeing when we have culled down in the past. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flyingiguana Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 My husband used to go off and leave me for a month at a time with 2 little kids. At first, I thought I would go crazy. And I was a basket case right up until the moment he left. I mean, I couldn't make a decision about anything and I was weepy all the time. Turned out, though, that we did just fine. Once he left, I had to pull it together, so I did. That was the first time. Subsequent times, we actually kind of looked forward to it. It was a change -- and we could eat dinner wherever we wanted, whenever we wanted. So it is possible that your dread over his absence is a lot worse than his actual absence. I'm just saying that I'd try to factor that into the decision. The biggest issue might be that he doesn't have that close contact with the kids that everyone would like -- not that you're going to go crazy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wendyroo Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 Could your mother or both parents come and stay with you for some of the time? What if they came for 6 weeks 2 or 3 times during the course of the year? Wendy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovinmyboys Posted August 17, 2014 Author Share Posted August 17, 2014 I'm confused about the two households thing. Wouldn't he be able to stay inexpensively in barracks if he is by himself? If that's the case, there wouldn't be a need for two entirely separate households, would there? Also, what are other areas in which you would save money if he were on base? Gas? What else? They are not providing housing. Obviously if we didn't go he could get a place with roommates, which would be fairly cheap, but we are still paying for him to live down there and us to live here. His civilian employment pays for his gas related to work (including getting there and back), so our gas expense will actually go up. We will have free health insurance. Other than that I can't think of anything that will be cheaper. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 Is he military and has a civilian job, too? Or is he in the Reserves? Or civilian but working for the military? Or...? I will be honest this sounds like a REALLY different set up than anything Dad did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kerileanne99 Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 DP Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kerileanne99 Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 Is there a possibility of purchasing or borrowing a caravan/travel trailer? I can't imagine just moving from house to house, trying to school, and everything else. If you can rent your house out, you could live in the caravan for he year...traveling in it to family and hubby, but stopping to see National Parks, museums, etc. If you get a Parks pass and a membership to a science museum on the AST list they have reciprocal agreements so it costs very little if anything to visit the other places. This has the added bonus of giving hubby a place to stay away from roommates when you visit. Obviously not optimal, but what a great adventure and opportunity to travel and learn hands-on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovinmyboys Posted August 17, 2014 Author Share Posted August 17, 2014 He is in the army reserves. So, in general, he drills one weekend a month and then does some sort of training every year. He has also deployed overseas three times. He has never done anything like this either. This is a pilot program where a reserve unit is activated and goes to an active duty post and takes over for an active duty unit that is deployed. His civilian employment has nothing to do with the military. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 The other option is to be travelers for the year. We could keep our house as where we "live" and then go visit Dh for a while, and visit various family members for a few weeks at a time. Then, we could come back to our house for downtime and then make another trip. Then, we could get the extra money and still see Dh. This is what I would probably choose, though I agree that it would be difficult too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 Yeah, Reserves are a whole different ballgame.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovinmyboys Posted August 17, 2014 Author Share Posted August 17, 2014 Is there a possibility of purchasing or borrowing a caravan/travel trailer? I can't imagine just moving from house to house, trying to school, and everything else. If you can rent your house out, you could live in the caravan for he year...traveling in it to family and hubby, but stopping to see National Parks, museums, etc. If you get a Parks pass and a membership to a science museum on the AST list they have reciprocal agreements so it costs very little if anything to visit the other places. This has the added bonus of giving hubby a place to stay away from roommates when you visit. Obviously not optimal, but what a great adventure and opportunity to travel and learn hands-on. This was actually one of the first things I suggested we do. Dh was not really into me traveling alone with the kids. And, honestly, I was a little nervous about it myself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovinmyboys Posted August 17, 2014 Author Share Posted August 17, 2014 I really do think everything will be fine no matter what we do. I just don't want to do it, so I am throwing a fit just like my 4yr old (I now realize where he got his fit-throwing skills). The problem is, I am an adult and should actually be making preparations. However, I don't want to, so I am not and I am having a very hard time getting over it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 That stinks. No doubt about it. But you will be ok. You will. You don't have to live with your parents for a year. You can stay with them a month or two at a time. Have your parents come stay with you for a bit here and there if they can. Maybe one of your parents can travel with you in the car. Is there a cousin or other relative who could travel with you? Will your dh have any opportunities to come home? If so, he can drive to family with you. Renting, unless you really trust someone can de dicey, especially since you want to live in your home after the year is up. What if they wreck your stuff or house? Renting would be a last resort for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 I'm sorry about this. Your kids are at a really tough age to do the mobile house thing, aren't they? Nolo Press has a really good book on being a landlord that might help with renting out your current house. I would say that the decision about whether to do so should depend partly on what rents are like in your area and whether the rent would enable you to have a decent lifestyle elsewhere. If not, then you might be better off staying there and saving aggressively for a couple of lengthy visits with DH. I like the ideas about spending a month with your parents and then moving on. It is less mobile than moving all the time, and it does keep your options open. I think that it could be fun to camp a little, but also that it would be expensive to try to do it for very long, with gas and convenience foods and camping fees. But doing it a bit while using your parents' home as a homebase might be just the thing to take the pressure off that situation, and travelling that way would be economical and fun and hopefully memorable for the older boys at least. It's rough though, no question about it--no really great options here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovinmyboys Posted August 17, 2014 Author Share Posted August 17, 2014 Well, he isn't deploying. He is mobilizing. And, yes, he is getting a housing allowance as long as his family does not go. But, even with the housing allowance, he will still make less than he makes now. When I said they were not providing housing, I meant that he can't live in the barracks. He is paying for housing (although he can use the housing allowance to do so). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 I think I would look at the "traveling" option where you and dc travel back and forth a bit. Here is an important question: Is this for one year and one year only? You can put up with a lot of inconvenience for one year but not for 5 or 10 years. When will his stint in the reserves be over? Is his civilian job secure? I mean does the employer have to hold it for him and does it look like the employer will abide by that? Will your family / dh's family be on board with your traveling around and will they support you while you are in their neck of the woods? Are you planning on returning to the house you live in now once your dh returns to his civilian job? I am sorry this is causing you such upheaval. Such a crummy situation would cause me headaches too. Let us help you come up with options. Tell us what is feasible and what is not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 Is there a possibility of purchasing or borrowing a caravan/travel trailer? I can't imagine just moving from house to house, trying to school, and everything else. If you can rent your house out, you could live in the caravan for he year...traveling in it to family and hubby, but stopping to see National Parks, museums, etc. If you get a Parks pass and a membership to a science museum on the AST list they have reciprocal agreements so it costs very little if anything to visit the other places. This has the added bonus of giving hubby a place to stay away from roommates when you visit. Obviously not optimal, but what a great adventure and opportunity to travel and learn hands-on. This came to my mind too. Are you confident with hooking and unhooking trailers and driving with one? You would not have to travel all the time. Could you park a trailer near your parents' place? It would give you still some privacy or a spot to escape to if you need some peace. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 I really do think everything will be fine no matter what we do. I just don't want to do it, so I am throwing a fit just like my 4yr old (I now realize where he got his fit-throwing skills). The problem is, I am an adult and should actually be making preparations. However, I don't want to, so I am not and I am having a very hard time getting over it. You said something in one of your other posts. Your live is being controlled by someone else (military reserves) and it makes you feel "out of control" and resentful. This is understandable, especially since the reserves don't have the same standards the military exerting an effort to unite families and support family life. Once you have decided in which direction to move, making that first step may be the hardest. Just remember that this is a temporary arrangement, a bump in the road. It will be over soon. Once begun, it's half way done. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbgrace Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 I like the idea of staying with relatives (yours or his) for blocks of time, then going home. Six weeks on, four weeks off perhaps? This would, I imagine, be far less money than preparing to rent, moving, and renting for a year at either place. Maybe a grandparent set could come help you at your place instead sometimes. Alternatively, perhaps asking grandparents to chip in for a mother's helper or similar? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 I'd move in with family. That gives you time to find a renter. Maybe your mom could come to you, help you pack up, and then you go back to her place together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 In this situation, if I had a good enough relationship with my parents, I would store most of my belongings, rent out my current house and live with my parents for a year. It would not be ideal, but if it would be at all workable, I would do it. My family (dad -my mom has passed on, brother and his wife) would accommodate me and my kids for this time period if we needed it even if it inconvenienced them. This would save money, give the kids more exposure to have a relationship with grandparents and give you support. I'm of the mindset that I could do anything for a year, though, and my extended family would be amenable to working this situation out. Dh and I actually did live with my parents and our oldest child for nine months while we built a house. It had some trying moments but really worked out well overall. I went through the first trimester of my second pregnancy while living there. I am very glad we had that experience. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freckles Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 I'm sorry you are feeling so upset and confused right now. I was the mother of two young children when my husband deployed for almost three years with the Army. If it were me, I would stay in my house and travel when I needed a break/help with the kids. I would spend several weeks with family, and then go home and be happy to be back in my own place again. DH could come to you on a long weekend if he was allowed. For me, moving/storing/renting would be too much with four little kids. I had no help were we lived, so I would take trips throughout the year to break the time up into smaller pieces to handle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 I am probably in the minority, because I am leaning towards not going. While I agree with those who place a priority on staying together as a family, and it would kill me to have my DH gone for a year and to have my sons not have that year with their father, it just seemed like there are a lot of factors that could make moving hard. I supposed I might start with trying to get the facts on what needs to be done so that your current home could be rented out, and how strong the rental market is where you live, and what you could reasonably expect to receive in rent. If you can easily rent it for a good price, that would make me more inclined to move. But if it is expensive to fix up, if you would get less for it than your mortgage, if there are a lot of costs associated with renting, that would make me disinclined. You probably would need someone to act on your behalf if you were to do that. There will be things that come up all year that someone local may need to handle - repairs, problem renters, etc. Can you rent it in pretty much the condition it is in or would you need to paint or replace carpet? Make sure you take into account all the potential costs of renting. And of course, you may need to get all of your own stuff moved if you do that - which can cost a lot of money. Of course, maybe you live in a place with great rental market, have friends who needs a furnished house for a year, etc. I guess I would start by just trying to really get good information on what to expect. If you move on the expectation of renting but have even a month when it is empty, that is money lost. Since your husband wants to come back to his job, selling the house seems like a bad idea unless you really wanted to move anyway. Selling a home has so many associated costs. But if you were thinking about moving anyway, perhaps you could get the house all fixed up and put it on the market and just see what happens. For me, trying to get the house all fixed up, renting or selling, moving, and then moving back a year later just sounds like SO much work and potential cost. I know being with family is important. But for me, I think it would really be hard, particularly with young children. So I guess I could see staying, though depending on the circumstances and on whether it was possible to sell or rent, I would consider going. The one thing I would not do is to move in with family. I just don't think parenting for an audience is fun, and I am the type of woman who needs to be in charge of her own household. It would be very difficult for me to move into someone else's home for a year with four children, and I think it would be difficult for whoever I lived with as well. It just seems like too much to ask, and once you do it, if it doesn't work out, then what? And while you could move near family, you still have all the same problems with selling/renting/moving that you have if you move with DH. I would consider just staying put, maybe working on getting the house in really good shape to see if it is marketable, but knowing I might just stay for a year with my kids, try to get DH to visit at least once during the year, tying to get family members to come stay for a week here or there, and building a bit of a support network where I am. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 I feel like there is so much more to this story than you are sharing and that's ok but it's hard to give advice or offer an opinion without more details. I guess the divorce comment sticks out a lot. Ok, he has to go to this job. And you would divorce him over it? Is his military? Or civilian going to work on a military base? I am just so confused. You do what you have to do. Dh lost his job when the kids were babes. Like a newborn and a kid just turned 2. Mentally I was a mess after that year, but it was such a short time span and my kids don't remember any of it. I think I am the only one who suffered. We lived apart...me with his grandparents, him with a friend while looking for a job. Later, we were back together but he took another job in a different state. It took months for me and kids to join him. It sucked honestly. I was a horrible mess and I think I yelled for the first time at my kids during that phase in our lives. Looking back I needed some breaks. So I understand you are seeing the potential firestorm coming. However, divorcing can't be the answer just b/c it's a hard time and you don't wanna deal. I don't understand why you can't go with...again more details would help. Without knowing more I would say to weight the pros/cons of both options you have and pick the one YOU can deal with the best. Since you are concerned about your mental health with 4 kids. ((HUGS)) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 Maybe I'm missing something here, but why can't you just stay in your current home with your children and have your dh come home to visit whenever possible? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caroline Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 Maybe I'm missing something here, but why can't you just stay in your current home with your children and have your dh come home to visit whenever possible? I guess this is where I am, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 Can you keep your house and "live" there and stay most of the time with your dh? Our home is in one place and dh is working in another. We visit him most of the time and we don't rent out our house. If he isn't staying on base how will they know how much of the time you are there? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovinmyboys Posted August 17, 2014 Author Share Posted August 17, 2014 Maybe I'm missing something here, but why can't you just stay in your current home with your children and have your dh come home to visit whenever possible? We can. And that was the plan at one point. I am the one who keeps changing my mind. The main problem (as I see it) is that dh is making less money and we will have more expenses (his rent, utilites, renters insurance, furniture rental/buying the basics). I am really nervous about being here alone with my kids with no extra money. When he was deployed we lived near family and he made more money. So, if I didn't feel like cooking I could order a pizza. I could use paper plates when things got busy. I could hire a babysitter occasionally. I paid a neighbor teen to mow my lawn. The kids and I did some fun things. I won't be able to afford any of those things this time. I really have mostly good memories from those times. This time I see no silver lining. Now, I do have friends who will help me out. However, I have four little boys. While I think they are well behaved for their ages, it isnt like I have people lining up volunteering to babysit them. I'm sure I could make it a year, but what if I can't? Who will I call? I just don't want to live do close to the edge, if that makes sense. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 Because that would be increasing expenses while taking a pay cut. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovinmyboys Posted August 17, 2014 Author Share Posted August 17, 2014 Can you keep your house and "live" there and stay most of the time with your dh? Our home is in one place and dh is working in another. We visit him most of the time and we don't rent out our house. If he isn't staying on base how will they know how much of the time you are there? We are considering doing this. My oldest plays baseball and we love his team, so we have thought about us visiting him there and living here during the baseball season. I don't think anyone would know or care...I just get nervous about it. Dh is a very honest person and he is trying to find out exactly what constitutes living there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 We can. And that was the plan at one point. I am the one who keeps changing my mind. The main problem (as I see it) is that dh is making less money and we will have more expenses (his rent, utilites, renters insurance, furniture rental/buying the basics). I am really nervous about being here alone with my kids with no extra money. When he was deployed we lived near family and he made more money. So, if I didn't feel like cooking I could order a pizza. I could use paper plates when things got busy. I could hire a babysitter occasionally. I paid a neighbor teen to mow my lawn. The kids and I did some fun things. I won't be able to afford any of those things this time. I really have mostly good memories from those times. This time I see no silver lining. Now, I do have friends who will help me out. However, I have four little boys. While I think they are well behaved for their ages, it isnt like I have people lining up volunteering to babysit them. I'm sure I could make it a year, but what if I can't? Who will I call? I just don't want to live do close to the edge, if that makes sense. I can definitely understand how you feel, but I can't see how any of the other options would leave you in a better financial position. If you could move to live with your dh, the benefit of that might negate having less money, though, because it would eliminate what seem to be the most important of your other concerns. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ripley Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 My husband was active duty, and we did this song and dance a few times. We usually opted to send him as a geographical bachelor.He lived on the economy super cheap - renting a room, not an apartment, cheap. That was never hard to do near post. Any post. It did make our visits to him a bit trickier to plan, but not impossible. First thing he'd do is ask around to see if anyone wanted or needed a house sitter. Plenty of times there would be a spouse who was planning a long trip back home. We would take care of pets, water plants, grab mail, etc. Usually it would cost us only the price of electric and water bills. Our visits would be planned around the time of these opportunities. And sometimes we sucked it up and got a hotel. For you that'd be a more manageable debt option, if you end up deciding debt is okay to take on. We tried to visit every third month, for about a month. You might even get on a similar rotation, but visit your parents. Free lodging, closer to husband! I hate moving. Really I hate packing and unpacking. I wouldn't do it for "only" a year. So if I were in your shoes, I'd not even consider renting out the family home. I'd plan to stay put and just leave whenever I could - to my husband, to my parents, anywhere. And I'd scrap school that year except for the basics and only for the bona fide school age kids. It's just one less thing to stress out about. It's already a stressful situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovinmyboys Posted August 17, 2014 Author Share Posted August 17, 2014 I can definitely understand how you feel, but I can't see how any of the other options would leave you in a better financial position. If you could move to live with your dh, the benefit of that might negate having less money, though, because it would eliminate what seem to be the most important of your other concerns. Right, he is going to be making less money either way. Moving there won't help that, but there will be someone else to help with bedtime, dinner cleanup, the lawn, etc. I like to think that I am a pretty capable person, but I just don't know that I can go 365 days of doing everything. The problem with moving there is figuring out what to do with our current house, the expense of moving (and moving back in a year), and uprooting our lives for a year. I guess I don't really like either option so I keep racking my brain for a different solution. There probably isn't one, but I am not yet ready to accept it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 Right, he is going to be making less money either way. Moving there won't help that, but there will be someone else to help with bedtime, dinner cleanup, the lawn, etc. I like to think that I am a pretty capable person, but I just don't know that I can go 365 days of doing everything. The problem with moving there is figuring out what to do with our current house, the expense of moving (and moving back in a year), and uprooting our lives for a year. I guess I don't really like either option so I keep racking my brain for a different solution. There probably isn't one, but I am not yet ready to accept it. Can you rent a furnished place in the new location, and just close up your current home for a year? You could ask friends or neighbors to keep an eye on the place while you're gone, and try to visit from time to time just to be sure everything is OK. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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