Teenagers & Dating. Tips, Words of Widsom, BTDT advice...

[justkeepswimming]

Hit me with any tips, suggestions, rules, regrets, surprises, words of wisdom, BTDT advice for teenagers dating - anything relating to kids between the ages of 14 and 17 would be very welcomed.

 

Do we get to know the parents of the boy in a "come on over for a bbq?" or is that weird? Sending my dd over to the house of a boy I've barely met without knowing his parents at all just seems weird. But, friends of ours with kids in public school say that's pretty common?

 

So many stupid questions I have. I'll hold off on those in case someone accidentally might answer them.

 

 

 

[Lavandula]

Well, tip one: avoid using the term friend zoned. I know you probably just meant that they just think of the boys at friends, but the term is usually used to make girls feel bad for not dating boys, which is gross.

 

As for getting to know the boys parents, it depends on what stage of the relationship they're in imo. If they're pretty serious, I'd want to meet them eventually. But if she's nearly 17 I'd let her go without knowing them. 

[texasmama]

I have a college dd who uses the term "friend zone" to refer to a guy she works with who wants to date her but she thinks of him as just a friend.

 

Very little was required with my older dd because no opportunities presented themselves for her to date in high school.  We had the standard of no "dates" until at least 16.  I had many talks with her about keeping the communication open between us, and she has done so.  She had her first date as a freshman in college, and I heard all about it.  So she has been easy.  :)

[AK_Mom4]

We did/do the no dates until 16 thing too. I think 16 has worked for us because they were well established with friends and high school before making it more complicated

 

Early rules - dates had to be at a public place (movie, bowling) or they could hang out all they wanted at our house when DH or I were home. If it was a social event at the date's house (BBQ, bday party) that was ok as well.

[bobbeym]

DS20 was easy. He dated his true love once just before she moved away - a trip unchaperoned to the movies.  He had two girlfriends over the next 1.5 years but never went on a date with them and only saw them at church or school, respectively.  Then he and true love got back together and maintained a long distance relationship for the next 2.5 years until she moved home.  A year later they were married and are still very happy and doing well.

 

DS16 has had one girlfriend that he met at church. He asked permission first, as she had to her parents, and he asked her dad for permission to date his daughter. They went out several times but all of the dates were chaperoned by a parent.  They broke up and she's dating someone else now (he's not) but are still friends.

 

I'm not encouraging DS to date b/c we feel the purpose of dating is to find your spouse and you shouldn't date someone you can't see yourself marrying.  So really they would be friends for a while first and then start dating once they felt they knew each other well enough.

[regentrude]

We did/do the no dates until 16 thing too. I think 16 has worked for us because tunics were well established with friends and high school before making it more complicated

 

You lost me. Tunics? For what?

[Cindy in FL.]

Well, I disagree with the preK part. I wouldn't send my young kid to someone's house when I didn't know the parents. Teenagers are a different story.

 

At almost 17 it would seen very strange to me to expect to get to know the parents of my kids friends let alone boyfriends.

We don't have to make friends with the parents of our kids friends once they are out of preK.

 

My oldest is 17 and my middle is 14.

[FriedClams]

My kids are at the young end of your spectrum, and we are more courtship and definitely wait to date until you're ready to marry types. However, watching my friend's kids and other youth - I'd make sure you have very clear talks about physical limits, about social media in dating, and about technology limits. The constant texting of the dating teens I've seen is extremely problematic for me. I'd also talk about game playing, honestly in communication (even when it's awkward), and behaviors that communicate differently in dating versus friendship (a hug, calling to check in on someone, over sharing, etc.).

[jhschool]

Definitely listening in...

 

The courtship model also won't work

with our family but we are conservative

in many respects. Also we are teaching

waiting until marriage before s*x. I would

be interested in how to talk to teens

and how it has worked for others.

So...listening...

[Onceuponatime]

I always felt obligated to give my kids my "Dating is not marriage" talk. In other words: You don't own them, they don't own you, first relationships often don't last, in light of that be very careful what kinds of  pronouncements or commitments you make, try to communicate clearly, understand that the other party may have expectations that you don't or vice versa, always be respectful and kind to them and their parents, If you have no stable means of support you are too young to get married.

 

In spite of that, all three of the oldest got broken hearts to varying degrees after their first relationships. I felt so bad for them.

[AK_Mom4]

You lost me. Tunics? For what?

Ha! Autocorrect does it to me again! That should have said "the kids were well established with friends and high school".

[Liza Q]

We made a rule that they could not date until they were 18 and finished with High School. My husband and I were uncomfortable with most of the courtship stuff we read, but didn't want a free-for-all either. We settled on 18 because I was 18 when I started dating my husband. Our daughters were fine with it. They tell me now that we came off as reasonable, not "crazy" like some of our friends who were seriously into the courtship model. Sadly, every one of those girls - 5, I think! - whose parents had a super strict plan had secret boyfriends.. My daughters said that their friends thought their parents were unreasonable. It was one bad situation after another, so we are very glad that we did not take that kind of hard line.

 

Our oldest didn't date till she was a sophomore in college, and even then it was casual - she didn't like the guys enough to get past a first date. She met her current boyfriend when she was a junior, and they have been together for 2.5 years and they are talking long-term.

 

Our second daughter had her eye on a homeschooled boy we know and asked him out about a month after she finished high school. They dated for two years and broke up, mostly because she didn't see the relationship progressing any further. So she is a bit lonely, but waiting for someone who is marriageable. Not that she wants an upfront commitment, but she would like the next one to be a potential husband, not just a potential boyfriend, kwim?

 

My 15yo daughter seems unconcerned about it, and my 14yo son seems totally oblivious to girls. In a few years, I will know better how thay feel about it.

 

 

[Rebel Yell]

deleted.

 

Not relevent or helpful.

 

wasn't snarky, I promis!

[Ottakee]

Certainly talk with them openly about deciding BEFORE how far they feel going physically and what your values are.  Much easier to talk about and set limits of no ............ before dating even starts than in the midst of a hormone filled time alone.

 

Encourage them to invite their boyfriend/girlfriend over to your house often, do things with your family, etc.  Help them find activities, service projects, groups, etc. and things to do other than just the typical "date" things--------those are fun and needed but life and marriage isn't going out to dinner and a movie and that is it.

[Lavandula]

 Help them find activities, service projects, groups, etc. and things to do other than just the typical "date" things--------those are fun and needed but life and marriage isn't going out to dinner and a movie and that is it.

Not everyone needs to plan their dates around what marriage will be like.

[Joker]

We've decided to not decide on anything concrete in regards to dating. I was able to go on group dates my freshmen year of high school, so 14 years old. It worked well for me. My brother married his high school sweetheart that he started dating at 15. They didn't marry until they graduated from college, though.  I don't want my dds to date or get serious that early but I'm not going to go crazy in the other direction either.

 

Oldest dd, 14, has a few close friends who are boys and she has done things with them outside of school (met them for lunch this summer, parties, movies, etc.) and I think it's all been beneficial. Both dds have said they thought boyfriends/girlfriends in middle school was silly so that makes me hopeful.

 

I don't think there is one size fits all for this and I think it could be dangerous to think that way. My girls are both very different people and we will decide as it comes up.

[Mrs Mungo]

I am going to copy and paste my last post on this issue (and I have only read the OP), the main change is that Eldest's boyfriend has moved to Louisiana (and they have both graduated and will be starting college in the fall), so they FaceTime, email, send each other presents, etc:

 

My aunt offered me some advice about this when I was a teen, and I think it was good advice. She said to go out on lots of dates, go out to dinner or whatever, but don't *continue* to date someone that you wouldn't consider marriage material. That's pretty much what I did. I went out on lots of dates with lots of guys, but I didn't continue to date them, if they didn't measure up to certain standards.

 

Currently, my eldest dd has a boyfriend. He's also a military homeschooled kid. Neither of them can drive on their own just yet (poor military kids, their license stuff can get so messed up with these stepped licensing states). So, they go out with groups. They are dropped off in public places. They hang out with each other's families. It seems to be working okay. He's a good kid, and so is she.

[hillfarm]

Our rules for 16yo dd (and we suggest she continue them indefinitely) are public places or group events (movies, restaurant, bowling, sports banquet, etc.) or at either family home if at least one parent is present there. It is a bit easier for us since we live in a very rural community and already know most of the parents anyway. When she turns 18, there's not much we can do, but I do hope that by then she has seen the wisdom of keeping things in public or group settings until she really knows someone quite well.

 

Regarding the courtship model, it is pretty popular among conservatives in my area. However the only two times I have seen it up close were both a disaster. The problem was that the parents on one side or the other were much more serious and intense than either of the two kids. One boy's mom was barging in to the girl's home to help her pick out china for her hope chest (when the girl was planning to leave next year for the mission field!) and in the other situation, the girl's father was trying to buy the boy a car so he could drive over to visit her more often (the boy felt he had received a word from God that she was NOT the girl for him).

 

So if a courtship situation presents itself, it might be a good idea to get in touch with the other parents immediately and make it very clear what you expect to happen and make the degree of interest your dc feels in the relationship known up front. In both cases I mentioned, feelings were hurt, teens felt pressured, and families ended up not speaking to each other for years. It may be a great system for some, but it is not without problems.

[justkeepswimming]

First - in our social circle, many of us have known each other for years. We go on trips together, have bbqs together, we take each other's kids on vacations... that's our 'normal'. When the kids make a new friend, they are generally enveloped to varying degrees into our circle without anyone giving it too much thought. So, for our circle, having one of the girls go to someone's house that we do not know from Adam is just - odd - in our reality. lol :p Hence my question here - because I realize that the other kid's parents are not in our regular group of people & don't want to freak them out by inviting them over (which would just be a normal thing for me to ask to a new friend the kids have made...).

 

Well, tip one: avoid using the term friend zoned. I know you probably just meant that they just think of the boys at friends, but the term is usually used to make girls feel bad for not dating boys, which is gross.

 Interesting... I wonder if that's a regional thing. Around here, friend-zoned just means that they enjoy the friendship and don't want to risk messing it up with turning it into anything else.  So, in their case, they use friend-zoned in a friendly/mutually agreed upon manner. I'll give them the heads-up on the different meaning, though, so they will use the phrase with care around people not in their regular groups.

 

We did/do the no dates until 16 thing too. I think 16 has worked for us because they were well established with friends and high school before making it more complicated

Early rules - dates had to be at a public place (movie, bowling) or they could hang out all they wanted at our house when DH or I were home. If it was a social event at the date's house (BBQ, bday party) that was ok as well.

I like the public places idea - especially in the beginning.

 

deleted.

 

Not relevent or helpful.

 

wasn't snarky, I promis!

Ahhh, now I'm curious! No snark, please (to future posters, lol)! :p :Angel_anim:  

 

[Lavandula]

I don't doubt that teenage girls use the friend zoned term, btw. They obviously don't mean harm against themselves. But some quick googling will show you it is widely used as a way to guilt girls for not dating any boy who is nice to them. 

 

As for actual advice, I think the public places rule is pretty good. I'd think that'd be a good rule even for adults. I don't really set any specific rules because I wouldn't even know where to begin. I think most of it isn't my place to decide for DD. I just try to give her the best advice I can when she asks and I let her know dh and I are always open to talk about things and won't get angry if she messes up. Of course I don't know how much of that actually goes through, but we're all pretty close and I'd like to think most does.

[Jenny in Florida]

We didn't put in place any concrete rules, except that we asked our daughter not to date while she was away at school (early entrance program). We explained that, given that her campus was 800 miles from home and she would almost inevitably be returning to live with us for at least a couple of years, it wouldn't make a lot of sense for her to get involved with someone she met at school.

 

As it worked out, she didn't go on her first official date until she was 17, and she immediately proved she had excellent judgment. So, other than asking her to keep us in the loop about who she was seeing and where they would be and when we could expect her home (pretty much just like the rest of the adults in the family do as a courtesy to everyone), we never felt it necessary to make rules.

 

My 16-year-old son just went on his first official date tonight. From the moment he came home from rehearsal on Friday afternoon and told me he had made plans with a girl in the cast, he's behaved with such maturity that has pleasantly surprised us. So, again, unless he gives us some cause for concern, we likely will not make any firm rules.

 

Because both of our kids have chosen to go out with people they have known and been friends with for a while before dating, and since they have not been super young, we haven't felt it necessary to make it a point to meet the families or anything like that. Given that we don't move in especially conservative circles, that might actually be kind of weird.

[nd293]

A friend was telling me about someone she knows who always goes to the door to meet the parents when she drops off her teens somewhere: no parent, no staying. I like that rule with both friends and boyfriends. I don't think I'd need to meet the parents in a formal way, but I would need to meet them at a very general level. We're not quite at the dating stage yet, but with play dates I'm finding it doesn't take much contact with parents for me to figure out where my kids can and can't go (ie where there will be supervision that meets our expectations and where there won't be). Watching the behaviour of older siblings is also instructive.

[QueenCat]

I would find it odd if we, as a family,  were invited to a bbq to get to know one of my son's dates family unless the two were getting rather serious, and it looked like a long term relationship.

[Tap]

I make it a point to know dd15's boyfriend's family.  For one, I wanted to know exactly what the rules for observation were at his house, and since his grandfather is a bit more lenient  that I am in that area, I drop in randomly when she is there to check on them (His house is on my way home from work, so it is easily disguised in a  spontaneous offer to run for pizza or slushies. The kids know what I am doing, but the food just makes it seem more discrete).  This sounds like serious over kill, but the grandfather tells me he makes sure to stay home when they are there to supervise them,  and that they are not allowed to hang out in his bedroom....but my drop ins, have found out otherwise.  He will leave them for a half our or hour, if he needs to run an errand :0( . This really surprises me because the reason he  is raising his grandson....is that his mom was a teen mom who couldn't care for him.  You would think he would try to not let history repeat itself!   There have also been times when I showed up to pick her up and saw their shadows on his bedroom curtain leaving his bedroom.  :0(   One of his video game consoles is in there, so it doesn't imply a sexual situation, just not where I want her hanging out.

 

I am not going to forbid her from being there, but she knows there are consequences if I find out the rules aren't followed.  I just make sure that they never know when I will show up. 

 

 

 

They have been together for 10months and spend significant portions of every day together, so their relationship may look a bit different that other 15yo couples.  They act more like 18-19yos when it comes to the relationship. He has gone on 3 vacations with us, and she is included in all of his family celebrations including an invite to a 10day trip to Florida (she didn't go).  

[Tap]

Well, tip one: avoid using the term friend zoned. I know you probably just meant that they just think of the boys at friends, but the term is usually used to make girls feel bad for not dating boys, which is gross.

 

As for getting to know the boys parents, it depends on what stage of the relationship they're in imo. If they're pretty serious, I'd want to meet them eventually. But if she's nearly 17 I'd let her go without knowing them. 

Friend zone is just that two people are friends.  One likes the other romantically, the other only thinks of the first as a friend.  

 

No guilt on the girls part, in fact it is usually used in the opposite way.  As if the girl has the power to resist the boys advances and just maintain a friendship, no matter how hard the boy tries to the contrary. 

[justkeepswimming]

This is enlightening and helpful to see the different experiences and points of view. Thank you for your sharing your input.

 

I just know that the other family might be a bit leery when they hear their son is dating one of those weird home schoolers (haha) so I would like to add as little additional unintentional weirdness as possible (we are wacky enough as it is). 

 

But also would appreciate having some idea of where they are (in loose terms, not going to have either dd micro-chipped - yet :p) and an idea of what they're planning to do. If they're just hanging out, they can do that here as much as possible. :)

 

So - basically - no point in getting to know the parents except for a general hello/goodbye while picking kids who can't drive yet up from one another's homes unless the kids are dating for 6+ months or whatever "long-term" is considered to be. I just don't want to be rude. We do have a lot of house parties etc (because I am the single introvert in a house full of extreme extroverts) - and if we show up to pick up their ds for the party... it just feels odd to not invite his parents when there will be so many other kids and parents at our house! Goes against my nature to not invite someone. :o

 

But we are free to get to know the KID himself, invite him to our cheesy picnics,costume parties and kayaking trips. Right? Don't mind a bit the thought of the girls dating - especially if the kid can come along on our family/friend adventures. The girls just assume that's the way it'll be, and I don't expect they'll date a guy who exclusively wants them to be only with his friends/family (and that's a red flag I do know to look out for). 

 

Just when this gets to be the new normal, my boys will be old enough to date. I imagine that's a whole other ball of yarn... :coolgleamA:

[justkeepswimming]

Ooooh, thought of another question.

 

What about age differences? In our home school world, my kids could probably not directly tell you the age of several of their friends unless they really thought about it. Age and grades just rarely come up (unless it is time for a birthday).

 

So - is a 9-12 month age difference too great? What if the girl is the older one, does that make any difference? What if one is a junior in high school and the other a sophomore?

 

What about a 14yo 9th-grade girl and a newly 18yo 12th-grade boy (a shy, 'wholesome' 'home-made bread' sort of kid - I've known him indirectly for years and he is most every mother's dream child, but he and dd only became aware of one another recently & he was unaware of dds age for quite a while (see note above: age doesn't come up a lot naturally!)? Surely that is too great an age difference, yes? (DH & I are in agreement, while secretly hoping they can meet up again in college  ;)) ...but my dd would certainly like to think otherwise...)

 

The boys who are interested in either dd seem to make an immediate leap from 'nice to meet you' to 'will you be my girlfriend and make out on the couch'. It has happened dozens of times this year alone (the asking - not the happening). Talked to a few other friends (who don't live near us, but have kids similar in age) and they say that is how a lot of 'dating' is done in their kids' social circles. the kids are boy/girlfriends and rarely even see each other except at school and texting. Seems bizarre to me, but it is such a different world from back in my dinosaur days.

 

Thank you for being kind in answering my honest questions. I have an analytical/mechanical kind of brain, and personal relationships are more than a bit of a mystery to me. Luckily, I am surrounded by people-people in my family who usually explain how people-stuff is supposed to work to me - but none of us are really sure what to do with the whole dating thing. If the kids were all driving themselves, it would be clear that we/parents would have little involvement, but since they are not... mom and dad have to be involved just to get the kids to the same location. And that's where I get confused as to the social rules (which I generally disregard and just use a Golden Rule approach... it is much easier).

 

We have a wonderful relationship with our girls and are just going to continue to play it by ear and not set a lot of arbitrary rules. They've been good kids thus far and I expect nothing different. Rules and curfews will be set on an as-needed basis and we will keep communications open with the girls as well as be on the stealth lookout for red flags they may not notice. We certainly want to avoid any secret-meetings-at-the-mall or 'I am staying the night at Shelley's house' sneak-outs (gleaning from my own teenage experiences...  :001_rolleyes: )

[Lavandula]

Friend zone is just that two people are friends.  One likes the other romantically, the other only thinks of the first as a friend.  

 

No guilt on the girls part, in fact it is usually used in the opposite way.  As if the girl has the power to resist the boys advances and just maintain a friendship, no matter how hard the boy tries to the contrary. 

I don't get what you mean here- "As if the girl has the power to resist the boys advances and just maintain a friendship, no matter how hard the boy tries to the contrary. "

?

 

In regards to the third part, as I said, I know people use it to mean that. As I also said though, if you looked it up you would find many things about how bad it is. 

[Liza Q]

I think not dating until 18 is pretty extreme

 

I think it is all relative. Most of our friends and the other families in our homeschool group were quite sold on the courtship model, so our rule was super relaxed in comparison.

 

I have spoken to my girls (23 and 21) about it and they both think it was fine...and that several of the girls they knew with either courtship type rules or dating in high-school rules would have benefited from something similar. Like Goldilocks - not too strict, not too lenient, but just right!

 

Honestly, if they had come to us about a boy at 17 instead, we would have allowed it. The age wasn't written in stone. We just wanted them to wait until they were mature enough to have the chance to develop a real relationship. My girls were so much more mature at 18 than they were at 16.

[mom2att]

I think not dating until 18 is pretty extreme

Out of curiosity, why?  We had this rule with our daughter.  She's now 18 and still not dating.  I imagine she will in college.  To my knowledge no one has yet asked her on a date, so really the 18 rule didn't matter. 

 

I ask why you think it is extreme, because I have an idea that personality differences come into play here.  I didn't date in high school, pretty much because no one asked.  I started dating in college, exclusively dating one guy to whom I have now been married for 22 years. Yes, I married my first boyfriend.  My parents didn't have a "no dating" rule, and in fact I think my extremely extroverted mom (who had several boyfriends before she married at the ripe old age of 19) was worried that I would NEVER date.  But I am introverted and was actually quite shy at that stage of my life, so "dating" wasn't something that probably would have gone well for me.

 

It just makes me wonder if someone who is more outgoing, more extroverted, more inclined to get energy from lots of human contact would be drawn to the model of dating at a younger age.  At this stage of her life, my dd is not convinced that asking her not to date until she was 18 was entirely fair.  But as stated above, she wasn't turning down requests left and right because of this rule.  She's a beautiful, friendly girl, and plenty of kids she knows do date.  It's not like we make her wear a sign that says "I can't date until I'm 18," so nobody bothered asking. 

 

Feel free to burst my bubble that it's an introvert/extrovert thing.  It's just something I've always wondered about . . .

[73349]

Ooooh, thought of another question.

 

What about age differences? In our home school world, my kids could probably not directly tell you the age of several of their friends unless they really thought about it. Age and grades just rarely come up (unless it is time for a birthday).

 

So - is a 9-12 month age difference too great? What if the girl is the older one, does that make any difference? What if one is a junior in high school and the other a sophomore?

 

What about a 14yo 9th-grade girl and a newly 18yo 12th-grade boy (a shy, 'wholesome' 'home-made bread' sort of kid - I've known him indirectly for years and he is most every mother's dream child, but he and dd only became aware of one another recently & he was unaware of dds age for quite a while (see note above: age doesn't come up a lot naturally!)? Surely that is too great an age difference, yes?

 

One year's difference (age and/or grade) is not an issue to me. Four years is too much when they're teenagers.

 

The first time DH brought me home to meet his parents, his dad needed to speak with him immediately after he brought me home. We are a year apart in age and were in the same grade, but I looked quite a bit younger, and DFIL wanted to make sure DH was not robbing the cradle. :) I was 17 but looked ~13.

 

I recommend that parents and teens know state laws about age of consent, regardless of what they do or don't intend to happen physically. An 18-year-old is legally an adult.

[Scarlett]

I think not dating until 18 is pretty extreme

Why do you think it is extreme?

 

I am teaching my son he has no business dating until he is in a position to be a husband. Until then his job ( in this area of life) is to have friends, get to know himself, the kind of people he likes and specifically the kind of girls he likes.

[Bootsie]

I think that talking to your kids is the most important thing.  Share with them your ideas and views on dating and relationships.  Listen to them as they work through their own ideas and views.  Discuss with them the choices they see their friends making.  Discuss treating people with respect.  Discuss how most teenage relationships don't last and the hurt that can occur.  Provide opportunities to enjoy relationships with members of the opposite sex as people--not simply as potential dating material.  I have found helping them make wise decisions regarding relationships works better than imposing rules about relationships.  I also think it helps to define what you mean by "dating"--the word means such different things to different people.  DD's American history class did a unit on the history of dating in the 20th century--I learned a lot from it and it made her think through her own views.  

 

I have never been a fan of age related rules--no dating until age X, but we haven't used age related rules for other things such as staying home alone, watching PG13 or R movies, etc.  I have found that the maturity level of the child and the particular situation are more important than some age requirement.  Just as I might approve of a particular outing with a particular female friend on a particular evening for DD, I would say the same thing goes for going out with a male friend.

 

Also, parents can set guidelines and rules for behavior (e.g. you are not allowed to go out on Friday night) but I have never seen how parents can control their kids' emotional attachments.  I have not understood the "my daughter is not allowed to have a boyfriend" comment.  I can understand, "my daughter is not allowed to ride in a car alone with a 16-year old boy", but just because a parent says "boyfriends are not allowed" does not mean the child doesn't consider the person a boyfriend.  

[katilac]

Why do you think it is extreme?

 

I am teaching my son he has no business dating until he is in a position to be a husband. Until then his job ( in this area of life) is to have friends, get to know himself, the kind of people he likes and specifically the kind of girls he likes.

 

I personally think it's tough to get to know what kind of person you like romantically based on platonic friendships. What I like and want in a friendship is very different from what I like and want in a romantic relationship! 

 

I do think it's very helpful for younger teens in particular to be friends before they "go out," but I don't think that being just friends will help you figure out what you like romantically. 

 

The "no dating until you are ready to be married" rule can put a lot of pressure on young people, imo. 

[jhschool]

I have to say I find this thread very interesting.

 

It's hard, right? We want our kids to be happy, and

we want them to end up happily married, but we know

the chances are higher if our kids are more mature. On

the other hand, not dating at all until ready to be married

has its downsides. The kids don't learn how to be

in a relationship--although I am not sure that it matters.

If you date in your teens, you learn to bear it when your

heart gets broken, and it is not the end of the world if it

happens for the first time as an adult. Also, if you date as

a teen, you have "practice." I don't mean anything disgusting,

and we are teaching waiting for s*x until after marriage.

I mean that you learn, for instance, that people have their

own needs for space, distance, and time. The kids learn to

keep an emotional distance for their significant other that

preserves their own selves. It is easy when you are a teen

for your boyfriend or girlfriend to become your whole world.

But then, as you realize the reality of the world, you see that

it is not healthy or positive for either of you. Then you learn,

either in that first teen relationship or in a subsequent one,

to hold back a little, to give a little. You learn to make yourself

vulnerable when it's good to do so, emotionally, but to

remain resilient as well. I think the dating process as a teen

(as long as s*x is left out of it) could be very valuable. I think

it's possible for teens to date responsibly, to learn to be

a gentleman or a lady, to learn respect for themselves and

for the other party, and to do so in a way that makes them

a better husband or wife in the future. That's what I mean

by "practice."

I am very interested in this topic as I think it's more than

a parenting issue for discipline as such. I do believe it's the

most important skill our children have to learn--how to

be a happy and good significant other, and how to learn to

require and give respect to someone in a romantic capacity.

[Scarlett]

I personally think it's tough to get to know what kind of person you like romantically based on platonic friendships. What I like and want in a friendship is very different from what I like and want in a romantic relationship!

 

I do think it's very helpful for younger teens in particular to be friends before they "go out," but I don't think that being just friends will help you figure out what you like romantically.

 

The "no dating until you are ready to be married" rule can put a lot of pressure on young people, imo.

Interesting. I think just the opposite.....I think it is hard to get to know a person who is trying to impress you and you them.

 

And I think dating too young...when there is no where for the relationship to go...puts a lot of pressure on them.

[AK_Mom4]

My apologies justkeepswimming, somehow I lost the quote around what you had posted.  Editing for clarity:

 

"What about a 14yo 9th-grade girl and a newly 18yo 12th-grade boy (a shy, 'wholesome' 'home-made bread' sort of kid - I've known him indirectly for years and he is most every mother's dream child, but he and dd only became aware of one another recently & he was unaware of dds age for quite a while (see note above: age doesn't come up a lot naturally!)? Surely that is too great an age difference, yes? (DH & I are in agreement, while secretly hoping they can meet up again in college  ;)) ...but my dd would certainly like to think otherwise...)

 

The boys who are interested in either dd seem to make an immediate leap from 'nice to meet you' to 'will you be my girlfriend and make out on the couch'. It has happened dozens of times this year alone (the asking - not the happening). Talked to a few other friends (who don't live near us, but have kids similar in age) and they say that is how a lot of 'dating' is done in their kids' social circles. the kids are boy/girlfriends and rarely even see each other except at school and texting. Seems bizarre to me, but it is such a different world from back in my dinosaur days."

 

My response.....

Well, and this is why we settled on our "no dating until 16" rule at our house.  Having my 14yo going out with an 18yo would bother me lots.  My 16yo - not so much.  At 14, I wanted my kids to concentrate on hanging out with friends, doing fun activities, concentrating on schoolwork and NOT making out on the couch.  My older kids were all so much better at making wise decisions at 16 than at 14 and also at telling the bf/gf what they were comfortable with. 
 

[Lavandula]

why date when they can't do anything about it..

Are people really avoiding dating because they can't immediately getting married? Are people not capable of waiting a few years? If your relationship won't last without immediate marriage that seems like a problem.

[Scarlett]

No dating til 18 is extreme by virtue of the fact that is it HIGHLY unusual and conservative, tho I guess if you hang around the 1% who embrace courtship you could certainly see yourself as liberal.

 

But no way and no how is forbidding dating in teens anywhere near the norm nor has it been ever.

 

Not dating til marriageable is biologically laughable.

That made me smile. I suppose if you feel premarital sex is fine then dating before you are old enough to be married is not a problem. Even many of those without religious reasons feel sex in immature kids, teens is damaging to them, not to mention dangerous as far as contracting a std.

 

And 'dating' in the way it is done these days....as recreation....is a very new trend.

[Lavandula]

That made me smile. I suppose if you feel premarital sex is fine then dating before you are old enough to be married is not a problem. Even many of those without religious reasons feel sex in immature kids, teens is damaging to them, not to mention dangerous as far as contracting a std. 

 

Plenty date without having sex. And you can get STDs at any age. Protection exists for a reason.

[Scarlett]

Are people really avoiding dating because they can't immediately getting married? Are people not capable of waiting a few years? If your relationship won't last without immediate marriage that seems like a problem.

What is the point of starting such a relationship years before you are ready for marriage?

[Lavandula]

What is the point of starting such a relationship years before you are ready for marriage?

What's the point of not? Not everyone is looking for marriage. Should they never date?

[Lavandula]

Oh, and if dating should only be done when you're planning on marriage, should gay people never date? Considering they can't marry in most states. 

 

Honestly, if you want your daughter/son to be a certain age I get it. I think maturity isn't just based on age so I wouldn't set one, but I do agree they need to be at a certain level of maturity before they can handle relationships. But it's perfectly fine to be in a relationship without planning on getting married soon. You can get lots out of relationships. I don't get how you can think the whole point of a relationship is marriage. Is that when it suddenly becomes fulfilling for you? When you have a ceremony? What changes, exactly?

[Rjmakmom]

I have  19 and 15yo sons and a 14yo daughter, all of whom are dating, all of whom have been involved with the same person for a long time, by teen standards. My 19yo moved out last summer and is involved with a very sweet 17yo. My 15yo has been dating the same girl for a year and a half this month- she is like one of the family at this point- and he has plans to propose when he turns 18 (though I am not crazy about that part) and my 14yo has been dating the same boy for 8 months. The younger 2 spend a lot of time here, the 4 go out together, and they all spend a lot of time with us as a family, including trips to amusement parks, etc. I was married at 19 (the first time) so I guess I always expected my kids to date on the younger side of the teen years. Ironically, my current hubby lived at home until he was 29 and married me when he was 30 lol. Guess it might be different rules for our shared daughters. 

[J-rap]

We didn't/don't have hard and fast rules about dating, but just encouraged our kids not to do it while in high school.  I mean, we encouraged them to have fun with both boys and girls, but as far as separating out just one to "test" as a possible steady boyfriend/girlfriend, we advised against it because there are too few good things that come out of a serious high school romance.  (But we did not FORBID dating.)  So, my kids did lots of things with lots of kids -- even of the opposite sex -- but most of the time didn't consider it dating, because they weren't looking for a steady relationship in high school.  They were just thinking of it as hanging out with friends.  They did do special things with the opposite sex, like going to prom, etc.

 

Most of my kids stuck with this way of thinking throughout high school, although a couple had boyfriends.  They were casual though, and usually did things in groups or hung out at our house.  We would not have let them go off on their own with a steady boyfriend/girlfriend alone unless we were really comfortable that they both had a good head on their shoulders, especially early on.  Sometimes they'd even invite a younger sibling along to appease us (good times!  :)).  They were all really good sports about it, and are glad we encouraged them to not get involved in those heavy high school romances.  It was probably easier in our town though because it is small, and most kids have always known each other and they all just tended to hang out together in groups all the time anyway.  There weren't a lot of pairings.

 

They are all very comfortable with the opposite sex and just have a different way of looking at relationships I think.  I do tell them now and then (since they are all out of high school now!) that it really IS okay to date! but they're very careful.  They're very comfortable with members of the opposite sex and have many great friends in them, but continue to think that the idea of dating and "trying out" different people seems strange.  haha  I guess once they find someone who they feel is extra special, they'll just gradually morph from good friends to a boyfriend.

 

Two of my children are married now.

[Scarlett]

Plenty date without having sex. And you can get STDs at any age. Protection exists for a reason.

  

What's the point of not? Not everyone is looking for marriage. Should they never date?

  

Oh, and if dating should only be done when you're planning on marriage, should gay people never date? Considering they can't marry in most states. 

 

Honestly, if you want your daughter/son to be a certain age I get it. I think maturity isn't just based on age so I wouldn't set one, but I do agree they need to be at a certain level of maturity before they can handle relationships. But it's perfectly fine to be in a relationship without planning on getting married soon. You can get lots out of relationships. I don't get how you can think the whole point of a relationship is marriage. Is that when it suddenly becomes fulfilling for you? When you have a ceremony? What changes, exactly?

I think you and I are too far apart in our thinking to have a conversation about this. Yes I believe a romantic relationship should lead to marriage. Or the romantic relationship should end if they decide they aren't right for each other.

 

I have many many relationships, but only one romantic one and I am married to him.

 

I fully expect my son to marry young even though I am strongly encouraging differently. At some point he will have to make his own choices. In our world he would never even ASK if he could start dating. THAT is laughable to us. He has no car, he can't drive, has no money. And that won't be changing drastically for several years. So although we don't put an age on dating....there are guidelines and he knows those.

[Scarlett]

Poor kid.

If you are referring to my kid what are you feeling sorry about?

[kroe1]

Working in an ER, I am quite jaded on the matter. I do not get to see happy, healthy teens coming in to tell of wonderful date experiences. I only see the first case of herpes, date rapes, suicidal girls who just had a first break up, intoxication, positive pregnancy tests, etc.

 

Therefore, with this last kiddo I will be much more strict than before. I do not think I will ever be comfortable with dating per se. But, all the group and family activities will be highly encouraged. While we never adhered to the whole courtship model, the idea to let couples see each other in multiple group settings is appealing to me. I will be sure to stage a few crazy stressors also, to help DD check out these "dates". But, I have never been known as a model parent. Lol.

[Rebel Yell]

deleted.

 

Not relevent or helpful.

 

wasn't snarky, I promis!

 

Ahhh, now I'm curious! No snark, please (to future posters, lol)! :p :Angel_anim:  

 

Haha...  I was just rambling on our experiences here. The 19yo has only ever been on one date- she invited a life-long family friend to escort her to Senior Prom. She has never had a curfew, never had dating restrictions, and never been asked on a date anyway. :confused1:  Must be living that 'wild' life in the dance studio, working at a dance retailer, and also the campus library. :lol:  Dance and books seem to be a boy-repellent. :glare:

 

The 14yo is on a co-ed volleyball team, and in a performing group with guys and girls... no guys beating down our door.

 

The 12yo teaches Karate and is on a robotics team, mostly guys, mostly much older than she is. One boy on another team calls her- they chat about robotics and programming. Still don't expect guys to stampede the door for her- they will probably just always think of her as "one of the guys."

 

So that's my story. No dating rules seems to equal no dates at all. :leaving:

[Liza Q]

The word Forbid is very strong. I never used it, or thought of it in that way. We just talked with our girls about what we thought would work well for our family and why. 18 was kind of arbitrary...but 16 just seemed too young. And our girls weren't perfect children, but in this area we had no problems. We always knew when they thought someone was hot or interesting and it was never a strained thing. Up thread I mentioned that our 2nd daughter asked out a boy we knew pretty much the minute she graduated from high school. lol. We all knew how she felt about him, how she would go to Starbucks when he was working just to moon over him, how whenever she was at his house (she is friends with his sisters) and he was there she was thrilled. It wasn't a secret, shameful thing, kwim?

 

As for extreme...well, homeschooling is extreme too! We just do what we feel is best for our children without worrying about what is common or normal or average or whatever in society. And that goes for the church as well as well as our homeschool group - we weren't too concerned that we were unusual in our positions on dating, or how we homeschooled, or how many children we had (or didn't have!), or anything else.