If you were bullied during your school years...

[gardenmom5]

Sounds like something bullies say. 

 

or adults who weren't bullied, and don't want to deal with it.  in my experience, most adults in the setting where bullying is happening - just want it to go away so they don't have to expend energy to figure things out and intervene.  there were very few (I can count on one hand and have fingers left over) adults who attempted to help out of many who knew about what was happening.

 

my mother was always "just ignore them and they'll go away."   that's how she dealt with most of the problems in her life.  ignore the elephant in the room, and it will go away.  um, no. it will stomp on things.  I constantly begged to go to a different school - but she wouldn't even ask me why, just said "no".  I skipped school so often (my mother worked  - what was she going to do about me skipping?) it hurt my academics more than my learning disabilities.

[Karen in CO]

I was one that fought back. Every year. I fought and fought.  I know the need to fight back and the knowledge that no one would stop it except me influenced how I turned out. I can't say if it was a positive or a negative influence, but it was a large influence.  I don't know what school was like for kids that were in the middle or kids that had the power.  I know I am still different because of choices I made at the end of someone's fist decades ago.

[happi duck]

My post would be very similar to this whole thread...if I could manage to put it into words.

 

It's amazing to me to read that I'm not alone. I am in my 40s and this all recently crashed down upon me.

 

So many of you posted things that I relate to and never realized could be connected to abuse.

 

Thanks for posting...

 

My big thing is not feeling like I deserve to be protected.

[Dmmetler]

I am pretty convinced that the way I deal with people is directly due to how I survived. See, I learned in older elementary/middle school that the way to avoid bullies was to be useful and neutral. To be the kid who was useful, didn't make waves, and blended in. The kid who turned down awards and honors because I didn't want attention, who deliberately didn't take the PSAT Jr. year after testing earlier showed I'd probably make National Merit because I didn't want to push the kid who was almost certain to qualify off his pedestal, because I knew what would happen if I crossed the social lines. He was allowed to excel, I wasn't.  The kid who wouldn't answer questions in class, and would do your homework for you so you looked good. Music was the one place I was willing to excel-and even then, I'm the person who would switch to tenor sax rather than fight for lead alto, who would take the bass clarinet part vs trying out for first chair in orchestra, and so on. Stay under the radar, don't make waves, because that way you'll survive.

 

Guess what role I play in my homeschool group now? Not in the limelight, not up front, not taking credit, just getting things done. And guess who almost never posts about anything her child does in public, who encouraged her DD to sit out of spelling bee rather than win again? Who is well liked, but not well known?

 

It all goes back to that kid who was bullied-and, honestly, it all goes back to one specific teacher who had no clue what to do with a 2e kid and made my life a living hell, and gave an entire group of students a target and a license to bully.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Kate in Arabia]

Yes, my two people one in elementary school, one in middle school. It was emotional abuse, not physical, and both about things about my body that I couldn't change. At the time it only made me feel alone and like a loser. I was about 37 went I literally stopped one day while looking in the mirror and realized how internalized those voices were. I heard their hateful words in my voice. I've had a horrible body image for most of my life, low self-esteem, all stemming from those situations. 

 

I went through an emotionally releasing at 37. It's not all gone, but I don't hear their words I look in the mirror. I'm 47 now and still not totally comfortable in my own skin, but I don't hate it in the way I used to.

 

This is very similar to my experiences.  It was so ingrained I had never really examined it until last year I was looking through old family photos with my kids, and they asked why I was never in any of our pictures.  I thought about it and said that actually it's low self-esteem -- I have hated having my picture made going back to about that time -- and my younger ds said, "but Mommy, you're beautiful!"  So sweet, I wish I could take his words to heart and not just dismiss them as something any child would say about his mother.  But those many years of negative experiences while growing up are hard to dislodge...

 

[VeteranMom]

Wow!  After I posted my OP last night, I thought about pulling it.  I thought that no one would respond.  I'm working with a counselor these days and my counselor was horribly bullied throughout his school years.  He wants me to revisit the time in my life when I was bullied and I am so resistent to it.  I'm realizing that I have a lot of pain that I never dealt with.  I have a lot of shame- like I should have been stronger.  I'm hoping to work through it and come to the realization that I was 12.  It was the adults responsibility to protect me.     

I pulled my daughter out of school when she was in the 2nd grade.  She was being bullied.  I don't think it was an overreaction, since I did try to help her work through the issues.  I don't think the schools today have any better handle on it than they did years ago.  There was no way in the world I was going to let what happened to me happen to my sweet girl. 

Thanks to everyone for sharing their experiences with me.  I've cried over some of the posts.     

[AMJ]

Yes, in public junior high and private elementary school. Private high school was better, but I was also bullied by my older brother all along as well. (In grade school he even helped other kids to beat me up, to try to get in good with them so they wouldn't beat him up. That didn't work long.)

 

The lack of self-esteem and lack of trust of others took me decades as an adult to conquer. Sometimes there are still effects, but I've grown beyond victim hood now, and I use my experiences to teach my girls about the effects of poor treatment of people.

 

 

The effects of abuse can last for generations.

[elegantlion]

I never told my parents about the bullying in 8th grade.  Is that unusual?

 

I never told my parents. One incident happened when we had just moved, the girl was the gym teacher's daughter. When I got to junior high I realized the apple didn't fall far from the tree - I hated gym class. The other was a kid at the bus stop and I figured if my own sister and the other kids at the bus stop didn't stand up for me, my parents wouldn't either. 

 

I've thought about telling my mom for years, but lately she's had so much chaos with my dad's health, it feels unfair to pile anything else on her. 

[Ravin]

That was my response too. I always befriended the new kid, the lone duck. When DD was 2 she got a gift that is a monkey with a banana at its mouth. When you take away the banana the monkey cries and moves around throwing a fit. Which causes the child to laugh. It disturbs me. Actually, when I go home I am going to throw it away. I won't even Goodwill it, it is that disturbing.

 

What sucked about that, was that the kid that just moved in is MUCH more likely to move out again. So, even though I lived in the same place from 3rd on and never made a lateral school move, I never had a friendship last more than two years.

 

As a mom, I am also highly alert to social skills/problems. One thing weird. My husband and I both "do our own thing" and "march to our own drummer". DD is such a follower. If she is play chasing someone and they fall, she falls too. What do you do with that?

 

I read a book called, I think, "Science of Parenting". It talked about a lot of studies related to childhood. They can tell in before and after brain scans if a kid has been bullied. Ponder that for a moment. The divider area thickens. (This is what I bring up anytime someone says that bullying in public school is good for people) The change in the brain makes people more like to be depressed. They said the learning/playing piano can somewhat reverse that.

 

It also made me Snob Snob. Meaning that preemptively snub people that I perceive might be snobs. Basically the popular people in High School (even today). For example, in the church youth group (7th to 12th) which I loved, I ignored most of the kids because it was obvious they were the popular kids. They never did anything wrong to me or anyone else that I saw. In fact, it was very accepting. My senior year there was a kurfuffle about a former friend of mine, and I was talking to one of the kids I had shunned. She told me that they had tolerated her because I seemed nice.

I used to do this. My mom would say I was acting like a reverse snob, because I wouldn't give others a chance to get to know me on the assumption that I'd just open myself to teasing.

[bettyandbob]

I wouldn't give others a chance to get to know me on the assumption that I'd just open myself to teasing.

 

I still give others very little chance to get to know me.

[Karen in CO]

It was my dad that had me thinking I was small, weak, ugly.  My hair is too curly.  My feet are too big.  My clothes are weird. I'm not as smart as my siblings or as pretty as my sister.  Why would anyone want to be my friend?  When a kid a school pushed me down and kicked me the first time, it had been coming for a long time.  I already knew nobody would help me.

[AMJ]

When it comes down to personal image I am frequently reminded of this: I am BEAUTIFUL. My DH says so frequently, and in looking in the mirror recently I realized my shape was the shape of many "Venus" figurines found in ancient archaeology sites. Even if I somehow discounted the opinion of the man I consider to be one of the smartest people alive, am I willing to argue with tens of thousands of years of people (perhaps hundreds of thousands of years)?

 

I think not. I AM beautiful! I have the figure of a goddess, complete with the scars of life, and every lump and sag!

[Kate in Arabia]

I've thought about telling my mom for years, but lately she's had so much chaos with my dad's health, it feels unfair to pile anything else on her. 

 

I've thought about it as well, but I figure now she's older and it would probably only hurt her -- to know that I suffered back then and it still impacts me today.  What could she do about it now?  Would it be helpful to me to tell her?  I don't know...

 

[elegantlion]

It was my dad that had me thinking I was small, weak, ugly.  My hair is too curly.  My feet are too big.  My clothes are weird. I'm not as smart as my siblings or as pretty as my sister.  Why would anyone want to be my friend?  When a kid a school pushed me down and kicked me the first time, it had been coming for a long time.  I already knew nobody would help me.

 

The hair, yes, that was one of reasons I was bullied. My mom once told me I would be pretty if I didn't have such a big butt - okay, I'm writing that down because, I don't know - anyway, I have my dad's body structure, not my mom (who has long legs and is perfectly proportioned). I'm built like a hobbit. That was the exact portion of my body that the kid at the bus stop yelled at me about, using nasty vile words. Why would I tell my mom? I knew she loved me, but she had already said the same thing in nicer words. Where was J-Lo in the 1982? 

 

Probably the hardest thing I've had to admit to myself over the years is that the words did hurt me. Sticks and stones may break bones, but words crushed my soul. I'm a sensitive person, always have been, I don't think it's wrong to admit that. 

[swellmomma]

yup.  I was bullied from grade 5 through 9 by both students and teachers, end of grade 9 I started to find my own voice and stand up for myself.  I was bullied less in 10th, only a couple hold outs from 9th (I went to a k-9 school and everyone headed to university went to the high school I went to the rest went to the vo-tech high school-small city but really felt like small town at times), but I was hanging out with an older tougher crowd who accepted me for me, even with my bookish, nerdy ways.  I was known as mouse, tiny, rarely said a word, everything neat and tidy and perfect all the time, they were the ones laying on the hill behind the school smoking weed etc.  In 11th I dated an abusive a$$hole and it pushed me to my breaking point, further than any bully ever did, I snapped and went the other way to prove I wasn't a victim I got into lots of fights and such that I started, cut school really acted out, if I would have had access to guns back then there would have been reports of a school shooting much sooner than the ones we started hearing about.  I had a list...but at the same time I knew I had goals in life I didn't want ruined by acting on that list, I was f'ed up to say the least.  Grade 12 I started to settle into myself mostly, much calmer but with a spine.

It has impacted me to this day.  I tend to over react when someone picks on my kid or one of my daycare kids, I know what it is like to be bullied and no one listens to help, so I aim to be that adult help to kids but it can make me be a little too much out of punishment kwim.  My self esteem was greatly impacted and I still struggle with accepting that when people whisper around me they are not actually talking about me.  I think I would have over come much sooner BUT kids/teens who bullied often turn into adults that bully and I have been bullied by adults a few times over the years.  Those instances make me crash right back down into feeling like I did back then.  

I think my struggles were made more difficult because the adults in my life were so unsupportive and bullied too. To this day my folks think that they did the right thing leaving me to deal with my bullies, they figure it made me a stronger person despite my telling them how negatively it affected me and still does.

I do not homeschool because of bullies, those are everywhere not just in school.  My kids have had to deal with their fair share of them already just out in the community.  The big difference is they have me backing them up and not forcing them to face their tormentors everyday

[elegantlion]

I've thought about it as well, but I figure now she's older and it would probably only hurt her -- to know that I suffered back then and it still impacts me today.  What could she do about it now?  Would it be helpful to me to tell her?  I don't know...

 

 

Maybe it helps to tell each other here. My mom would hug me and then worry about what she couldn't have possibly known. I'm not over it, but it's not affecting me day to day like it used to. I can see it, like even posting about it is making me anxious, but I can head it off a bit. 

 

 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  Hugs to you all. Mean people suck. 

[swellmomma]

I wouldn't give others a chance to get to know me on the assumption that I'd just open myself to teasing.

I still am like this.  The few times in my adult life that I opened up and let others in I suffered the consequences dearly.  I don't let anyone in anymore, which means no one will ever know the real me because the real me is tired of being hurt and just won't come out to play anymore.

[AMJ]

When I hear the old argument about being bullied will make you stronger, I always think, "I bet you were a bully". :rolleyes:

Exactly what I think when I hear that. It smacks of trying to excuse or rationalize bullying as somehow being beneficial to the recipient. NOT going to fly with me.

 

The bullying didn't make me stronger, and nearly broke me for good. It was finding good friends and good people to influence my life that strengthened me enough to pull myself out of that whole, self-perpetuating mess.

[AMJ]

Yes, it has impacted my whole life in lots of ways- some of which I am still figuring out.

Even at nearly age 50 I'm still discovering areas of impact.

[jelbe5]

I, too am so sad to read these posts. I knew I was not alone, but reading these stories hurts my heart.

 

I struggled with alcoholism and drug use and abusive relationships for years. I finally got sober and worked for many years with a fantastic therapist. I have also found great comfort and strength in my faith.

 

Friends, you are all beautiful people who are worthy and deserving of happiness and all the good things life has to offer. I love you all. Please don't hesitate to do whatever you need to do to get support in dealing with your past hurts if you feel it is time. There are good people out there and there are ways heal. You deserve love and healing. If you are thinking it is time to work on this, don't delay. Maybe this thread is the starting point for some. I hope you all find the peace you deserve . . .

[Jean in Newcastle]

I used to make myself throw up just so I could get out of going to school.  Then my mom caught me.  All that did was to make her watch me so that I couldn't get out of school anymore.  She never did ask why I would go to such lengths to try and get out of it.

 

The two years I was bullied were in the US.  I was "the Jap".  I happened to go back to that same small midwestern town many years later and a woman came up to me in the grocery store, "Hey, aren't you the Jap?"  Things were not  PC there. . .    

[AMJ]

Most of my bullying was done by teachers and it DEFINITELY had an impact on my whole life!!

When my eldest was in public 1st grade she had a rough time. I joined them for lunch one day (had volunteered yet again to help in the classroom and was sent to the library instead by the teacher), and I joined recess after lunch. I was amazed at how my DD was ignored and excluded by the other kids, UNTIL we were across the playground from that teacher. Once her view of DD and me was obstructed the kids swarmed around DD, inviting her to play and asking to join us. If the play moved us back too close to that teacher the kids suddenly melted away again.

 

That's when I realized her teacher was the primary bully. It was confirmed by my in-laws on Grandparents Day, when the teacher couldn't keep other adults out of the classroom. What they reported to me of her treatment of the kids, combined with my observations, had me in the principle's office demanding my child be moved. When they insisted they couldn't accommodate that (no room in other classrooms) we pulled DD and found a private school.

 

I had a real terror of a 4th grade teacher when I was a kid. She was so horrible to me the class bully (my top tormentor until then) took pity on me and helped me behind her back.

[gardenmom5]

The one thing I have realized over the years is that not only should young people who bully be held accountable but the adults in the school should also be held accountable. My anger was against the kids for many years but I finally realized the adults - teachers and administrators - were also culpable. They knew; they saw it. And they did nothing.

 

I can think of two, at two different schools (elementary, and jr. high) - one administrative assistant, and a teacher - who actually were part of the problem.  I actually have more disgust with them then the students because they were adults and should have acted like adults.

[shawthorne44]

My husband is like the PP who mentioned becoming a tough fighter.  He has this tough shell around him.  

DD and I are within the shell, his mother and siblings and some friends.  But, outside of that, there is a "I could not care less about you" attitude.  

And, the fighting he has done in the past!   In high school, he put people into the hospital.  He never started anything, but his attitude was like Ender.  He didn't want the other person coming back at him later.  He started his senior year 4'7" in an inner-city school.  The school was mostly either rich white kids, or a range of black kids.  Neither of which he was.  

 

[SKL]

Snob snob, I like that name.  I am a total snob snob.

 

That said, I am a pretty good judge of character, so I probably haven't missed out on any great friendships by being a snob snob.

[musicianmom]

Yes, it had an impact on me, especially because I was told by all the adults in my life that it was basically my fault. And some of it was my fault. I was socially inept, but oh I tried so hard.

 

I remember the lists my parents would help me make, one was called "steps to being a friend." One of my dad's favorite quotes was "to have a friend, you have to be a friend." What he never could grasp was that my position in the social hierarchy was so low that no one needed or wanted my friendship.

 

Now I still don't know how to have an equal relationship with a friend. I find myself latching on to someone I perceive as better than me somehow and trying to fill a little sister role to them. I can count on one hand the number of times I have been made to feel valuable as a friend.

[AMJ]

Yes, it impacts me to this day.

 

1. Low confidence. Although, some people would say I am a high achiever, I never achieved academically or professionally anywhere near I wanted to be. I always thought I wasn't good enough to try. I always thought it was a fluke I got into the university I did (and there was at least one person who specifically told me that). This lack of confidence has seriously impacted me professionally and financially.

 

 

This. Despite high grades in school and on the PSAT (schools were sending me invitations and asking me to apply), I did not really believe in myself. In addition to the kids tearing me down I had parents who taught me in every unspoken way possible that my role was to clean house, raise younger sibling, marry and provide grandkids (because that was expected, not because grandkids were really wanted), and generally be unappreciated and hard-working without complaint. So I got a garbage degree studying something I loved (but can't make a living wage in) and no useful advice on how to live as an adult (just "find a good husband").

 

Bah. My successes are my own.

[AMJ]

Yes, it had an impact on me, especially because I was told by all the adults in my life that it was basically my fault. And some of it was my fault. I was socially inept, but oh I tried so hard.

 

I remember the lists my parents would help me make, one was called "steps to being a friend." One of my dad's favorite quotes was "to have a friend, you have to be a friend." What he never could grasp was that my position in the social hierarchy was so low that no one needed or wanted my friendship.

 

Now I still don't know how to have an equal relationship with a friend. I find myself latching on to someone I perceive as better than me somehow and trying to fill a little sister role to them. I can count on one hand the number of times I have been made to feel valuable as a friend.

I like you, and have liked some of the things you've posted here. The adults in your childhood life were twerps. Come hang out here with us!

[gardenmom5]

 

 

Facebook has been enlightening to how these people really think, lol. Many of them friended me, and when they saw that I am happy, with a beautiful family, a successful husband, and had a great job myself they promptly unfriended me, lol. The people who bullied me are still not happy as adults. There is no reason to pay attention to them now, and I suspected there was no reason to pay attention to them then, but they have proved it out.

 

why on earth would you friend them? 

I can understand curiosity (there is one guy I half expect to be on the receiving end of s3xual harassment lawsuits) - but these were horrid people who have nothing positive to offer.  no apology can undo the damage  - of years of wanting to kill myself, or pushing 'friendly' people away because it's better to be isolated than hurt - even in my 40's.

 

[Anne in CA]

The worst thing that I am seeing on the thread is all the people who still struggle to believe they are likable now. It makes a lot of sense, though. Over the years  I have made great efforts to befriend women who seemed interesting and most of them acted like they were scared to death of me. I have an intense personality so I felt that I was scaring people away, and to a point I'm sure that that is true, but I can see that many of the women I thought were so smart and interesting were afraid to make new friends at all.

[SKL]

About "bullying makes you stronger."  I really think that depends on the person.  But I could understand why people would tell a child that.  When my kids come to me with issues that involve fears and insecurities, I have several layers of responsibility.  One layer is to try to get to the truth, which may or may not be what my child reports.  Another layer is to encourage her to be brave, trust in herself, take what responsibility she can (advocate for herself), present as someone not to be messed with - and to avoid promoting "learned helplessness."  Another layer is to step in where she needs me to - and she may or may not know I've done this.

 

When my daughter told me that her teacher had made her miss lunch over unfinished work, I just asked a couple of questions at that point.  I told her (and her sister) that she must eat her lunch every day and tell me of any further problems.  Soon thereafter I was in a meeting with her teacher, the school psychologist, and another school professional.  I confronted the teacher, who screamed at me for believing my lying kid and who was supported by the other school personnel ("no way, that would never happen here.")  I kept my cool and said, "OK, whatever, but my child is not to miss lunch in the future."  And she never did.  I also gave her a bad review on the school survey and dropped a few comments about her with other school personnel.  She is now in the process of retiring.  Not sure if it had anything to do with me or not, but anyway, my kid will probably remember that incident as a time nobody stuck up for her.

[AMJ]

Sticks and stones may break bones, but words crushed my soul.

That right there is at the core of the matter, the goal of abuse. I have not taught that response to my kids, because words do hurt. Whenever I tried that response to teasing when I was a kid it only invited much worse tactics from my tormentors.

[Papillon Mom]

Sisters, thank you so much for posting your experiences and thoughts. I'm another mom who decided to homeschool to protect my child from potential bullies. My experiences and repercussions were/ are so similar to yours. I actually would not have had a child if I thought I'd have to put her in school. The bullying I endured has negatively impacted my life greatly. The terror and loneliness are always with me. Love and thanks to you all.

[Farrar]

There were times that I was bullied as a kid...  but for the most part, no, I don't think so.  I think my mother did a really good job of ensuring that I had stellar self-esteem as a kid.  I just always had the attitude that the bullies were the ones with the problem and I never really waivered from that.  But I also never experienced the kind of bullying that went on for years and years.  More like the miserable two weeks at camp, or the one class that I dreaded every day in middle school, or that one "friend" who was just relentlessly horrible until I moved away kind of bullying.  And I also was never without friends in some aspect of my life.  I think those three things - my self-esteem, having solid friendships to fall back on, and eventually having an escape from the situation were all things that made it so that it doesn't feel like it shaped who I was.  Like, when I think of my childhood, my first thought is never, "I was a bullied child."

[Joanne]

The continuing problem for people who have experienced this is that people report "handling it" or "being stronger" as if there were some character defect in the victim that disallowed them from handling it well.

 

And to hear dismissive comments years later does serve to re-traumatize. It's like the variety of ways to put "why does she stay?"; it belies an understanding of the abuse dynamic and how IT perpetuates the abuse, not the response of the victim.

[AMJ]

I've thought about it as well, but I figure now she's older and it would probably only hurt her -- to know that I suffered back then and it still impacts me today. What could she do about it now? Would it be helpful to me to tell her? I don't know...

 

My sis and I had a strained relationship for many years as an adult, until several months ago when she called to apologize. She said she had been blaming me for things that not only were beyond my control, but I might not have even known about.

 

We take for more than 2 hours, and we each told the other of things in our joint past that the other did not know about. Things we thought the other knew about, things we thought the other condoned/allowed/did nothing about.

 

I was horrified to discover that my brother didn't just try to quit tormenting me -- he changed victims, to our kid sister. My sis knew why Mom separated from Dad at the time she did (so she could get us girls away from our brother), but I knew of the abusive acts of someone in our grandparents' generation and how that impact carried on through the generations to us (on Mom's side, not Dad's, though I have my suspicions now about his side of the family, too).

 

We talk, sis and me. We are friends again, which is the greatest gift I could have hoped for. Together we deal with our difficult Dad (Mom and brother both died years ago), and dear sis was ready to help my dear friend (sister of my heart) when she went through rough times.

 

My sis had had an abusive boyfriend at one point, which further wrecked her trust in people. She is working through her baggage, I'm working through mine, and together we talk and support each other.

 

Only you can decide whether to tell someone, and to what purpose. If you are still angry at them carefully consider what you want to tell them and why. But the hive is here to listen, act as sounding board, and give virtual hugs.

 

Hugs to you!

[musicianmom]

You know the worst part? How it has impacted my parenting. When my kids behave badly, it triggers my experiences of being bullied. It feels like my kids are bullying me, because their behaviors are similar to the kids I knew back then. So I panic and lose control emotionally, just like I did 30 years ago.

 

Yes, I am getting professional help for this.

[Farrar]

The continuing problem for people who have experienced this is that people report "handling it" or "being stronger" as if there were some character defect in the victim that disallowed them from handling it well.

 

I totally agree with this.  But I also think there are ways in some situations where different strategies that the bullied child could employ could help.  I definitely see that there were times, in retrospect, where people said really vile things to me as a kid, but I just never let it bother me - I never allowed myself to think it was as bad as it was.  I think that was more a strategy I lucked into than anything else on my part, but in the end, I'm sure it saved me from worse bullying that might have followed or that did follow for some kids I saw.  

 

I guess all I'm saying is that I hope there's a way to walk the line between arming kids with good anti-bullying strategies and acknowledging that in many situations, there's nothing the victim could do without help, and that in every situation, it's not the victim's fault.

[Garga]

I never told my parents about the bullying in 8th grade. Is that unusual?

I never told my parents either. I was ashamed and figured there was nothing they could do anyway. It was more ostracism than overt bullying.

 

I used to play the piano for an hour or two a day. What a refuge. I felt so good playing the piano--now that I'm adult, I can recognize that it had the same effect as when oxytocin kicks in (nursing, or hugging, etc.) It made me feel happy and content. Interesting that playing the piano has been linked to reversing the effects of bullying.

[gardenmom5]

very interesting.  I used to BEG for piano lessons, for a long time.  I was finally signed up with a guy who was only teaching becasue *his* teacher told him he needed to.  he spent more time on theory, and very little actually playing.  (I do think part of my mother's reticence was she felt forced to learn.  she played chopin as written, but had stopped playing. it was only by accident I even learned how good she had once been.)

 

I finally decided - hey, I'm a homeschooling mom.  I can start teaching myself.  and maybe one day I can actually take formal lessons.  I've now been playing for 1 1/2 years, and it has reached a point where it is relaxing to play.  and I'm slowly making progress.

I read a book called, I think, "Science of Parenting".  It talked about a lot of studies related to childhood.  They can tell in before and after brain scans if a kid has been bullied.   Ponder that for a moment.  The divider area thickens. (This is what I bring up anytime someone says that bullying in public school is good for people)  The change in the brain makes people more like to be depressed. They said the learning/playing piano can somewhat reverse that.   

[Joanne]

I totally agree with this.  But I also think there are ways in some situations where different strategies that the bullied child could employ could help.  I definitely see that there were times, in retrospect, where people said really vile things to me as a kid, but I just never let it bother me - I never allowed myself to think it was as bad as it was.  I think that was more a strategy I lucked into than anything else on my part, but in the end, I'm sure it saved me from worse bullying that might have followed or that did follow for some kids I saw.  

 

I guess all I'm saying is that I hope there's a way to walk the line between arming kids with good anti-bullying strategies and acknowledging that in many situations, there's nothing the victim could do without help, and that in every situation, it's not the victim's fault.

 

The bold is more accessible now. But for the vast majority of posters relating their story in this thread, "anti-bullying" was not a part of the curriculum. Bullying (and hazing, and other hierarchical psychological dynamics) have become part of the *culture* of childhood. For the years being reported, and unfortunately to a degree today, bullied kids are still giving the message that they aren't worth intervention for safety and they are wrong for feeling the way they do.

[SKL]

very interesting.  I used to BEG for piano lessons, for a long time.  I was finally signed up with a guy who was only teaching becasue *his* teacher told him he needed to.  he spent more time on theory, and very little actually playing.  (I do think part of my mother's reticence was she felt forced to learn.  she played chopin as written, but had stopped playing. it was only by accident I even learned how good she had once been.)

 

I finally decided - hey, I'm a homeschooling mom.  I can start teaching myself.  and maybe one day I can actually take formal lessons.  I've now been playing for 1 1/2 years, and it has reached a point where it is relaxing to play.  and I'm slowly making progress.

 

I taught myself to play as a kid, using an older brother's lesson books.  I debate whether it is better to "make" my kids study piano or let them find the joy on their own.  Presently I am "making" them do it.  I may never know if it would have been better not to.

 

[Garga]

There were times that I was bullied as a kid...  but for the most part, no, I don't think so.  I think my mother did a really good job of ensuring that I had stellar self-esteem as a kid.  I just always had the attitude that the bullies were the ones with the problem and I never really waivered from that.  But I also never experienced the kind of bullying that went on for years and years.  More like the miserable two weeks at camp, or the one class that I dreaded every day in middle school, or that one "friend" who was just relentlessly horrible until I moved away kind of bullying.  And I also was never without friends in some aspect of my life.  I think those three things - my self-esteem, having solid friendships to fall back on, and eventually having an escape from the situation were all things that made it so that it doesn't feel like it shaped who I was.  Like, when I think of my childhood, my first thought is never, "I was a bullied child."

  

I totally agree with this.  But I also think there are ways in some situations where different strategies that the bullied child could employ could help.  I definitely see that there were times, in retrospect, where people said really vile things to me as a kid, but I just never let it bother me - I never allowed myself to think it was as bad as it was.  I think that was more a strategy I lucked into than anything else on my part, but in the end, I'm sure it saved me from worse bullying that might have followed or that did follow for some kids I saw.  

 

I guess all I'm saying is that I hope there's a way to walk the line between arming kids with good anti-bullying strategies and acknowledging that in many situations, there's nothing the victim could do without help, and that in every situation, it's not the victim's fault.

Perhaps a child could use some strategies at the first attempts of bullying. But if a child doesn't use the strategies right away, they are now "the victim." As far as I could see in my own life, there was NOTHING I could do to pull up out of the downward spiral.

 

As another poster said, her dad told her that to have friends you have to be a friend. Her issue was the no one had any interest in her offer of friendship. She was so far down on the social ladder it would have been social suicide for the other kids to accept her friendship. No matter how much she was being a friend, she still couldn't have friends.

 

If you are being treated badly by every single child in every single class (it's not until High School that you have different classes with different kids) and it's gone on long enough for you to be labeled the class victim, and no one will have a thing to do with you for fear of their own social death, what can you do? Not a thing.

 

It tears your good self-esteem apart very quickly--just a couple of weeks and it's gone. There are no friends to fall back on. You can't get away. It's all day long from all the kids. The strategy of not letting it get to you only worked because you had plenty of backup and the bullying was isolated. I can let things roll off my back too, for a while. But if it's every single day, 180 days of the year, from everyone...harder to let it roll.

 

And this leads to another effect of the bullying--I absolutely believe that if you don't stop it in the first couple of times it happens, you can NEVER stop it. Once you're labeled as the person all the other kids can pick on, I don't believe you can ever recover status as a normal kid in that group. I feel completely defeatist about it. Does anyone know if a bullied can really ever gain acceptance after they're labeled as the victim? Like, if you were the lowest kid on the social ladder for 2 years, can you suddenly recover and become friends with a bunch of your classmates? I don't think so, but I'd love to find out I'm wrong. But I just can't imagine that happening.

[texasmama]

I never told my parents about the bullying in 8th grade.  Is that unusual?

I told my parents in 7th grade because the kids who were bullying me were at my school AND my church so I told my parents I wanted to stop going to the youth group events.  They were on the phone immediately with the parents, who addressed it posthaste with their kids.  I never had another issue with these kids, and I received apologies. 

 

Reading this thread makes my heart ache for the things that many of you have endured which have had a lifetime of negative impact.  I am so very sorry.  :( 

[VeteranMom]

 

Does anyone know if a bullied can really ever gain acceptance after they're labeled as the victim? Like, if you were the lowest kid on the social ladder for 2 years, can you suddenly recover and become friends with a bunch of your classmates? I don't think so, but I'd love to find out I'm wrong. But I just can't imagine that happening.

I've only seen this happen in many bad, teen movies.  I don't imagine it's ever happened IRL, though.

[gardenmom5]

  

 

And this leads to another effect of the bullying--I absolutely believe that if you don't stop it in the first couple of times it happens, you can NEVER stop it. Once you're labeled as the person all the other kids can pick on, I don't believe you can ever recover status as a normal kid in that group. I feel completely defeatist about it. Does anyone know if a bullied can really ever gain acceptance after they're labeled as the victim? Like, if you were the lowest kid on the social ladder for 2 years, can you suddenly recover and become friends with a bunch of your classmates? I don't think so, but I'd love to find out I'm wrong. But I just can't imagine that happening.

 

if it's just one or maybe two people doing the bullying - something can sometimes be done.  (I read about a guy who noticed his bully was afraid of heights - so in front of most of their peers, he challenged him to a fight. on the roof of the school gym.  bully never bothered him again.  that was not a bad teen movie.)

 

when it's everyone with a bully mentality using the target as an outlet for their own angst (and there is no one on their side) - and teachers too, there is nothing the child can do and the suggestions they can/should are offensive to me and indicative that person really doesn't understand bullying from the victim's pov.

[Erin]

Classic junior-high-bullied-victim, here.  And yes, I think it affected me.  
I think I'm more compassionate, as well as very much an advocate for the under-dog, as a direct result. 

 

On the negative side, it affected my view of myself for YEARS afterward.  I think I might have finally outgrown it, now that i'm pushing on 40.  

But I have friends who were also victims of bullying who are still trying to deal with that negative self-image they developed.  :(

 

I think this is the biggest reason I was so quick to pull Buck out of school when he made complaints about bullies.  He's a soft kid, so he internalizes that stuff...

[Karen in CO]

And this leads to another effect of the bullying--I absolutely believe that if you don't stop it in the first couple of times it happens, you can NEVER stop it. Once you're labeled as the person all the other kids can pick on, I don't believe you can ever recover status as a normal kid in that group. I feel completely defeatist about it. Does anyone know if a bullied can really ever gain acceptance after they're labeled as the victim? Like, if you were the lowest kid on the social ladder for 2 years, can you suddenly recover and become friends with a bunch of your classmates? I don't think so, but I'd love to find out I'm wrong. But I just can't imagine that happening.

I fought back, but I was always still the victim. I was still small and still outcast.  After a few beatdowns each year, I didn't have to fight again, but I was never let into groups.  It was always just a matter of time before some other bully tried again to put me in my place.  It didn't matter if I won or lost the fight or if I fought them before they could start in on me.  Everyone knew that eventually the bullies would come after me again.  No one wanted to have to be in a position to have to help me.

 

Eventually, I changed schools and grew.  I never did learn to fit in with the crowd or trust that people would help me or even take my side when I am right.   What I learned from fighting back has served me well as an adult in the business world.  I don't think I've been intimidated since I was in third grade. 

[Alicia64]

do you think it has had an impact on how you live today? I was horribly bullied in the 6th grade and it was a miserable time for me.  My parents got me out of that school (after a full year of torture) and moved me to a school clear across town.  I never felt comfortable with people after that time.  I lost trust in teachers and my classmates.  Some people say that it makes you stronger (to persevere through something like that) and I used to try to tell myself that, but I really don't believe it.  I think it's negatively affected me- even in my adult years.   

 

See, I completely agree with you. Adults who say that a kid "needs to learn to deal with it" drives me crazy. How exactly do you learn to deal with being treated callously? Abusively?

 

In the adult world you get away in one way or another, but in the kid-world you're stuck. It's not like you can look for another school on your own.

 

I knew a girl in high school who was bullied so badly that her parents finally got a lawyer involved.

 

To this day, I hurt for her. And I knew the girl who was torturing her. I told her off once, but the lawyer had already stepped in and scared the heck out of the tormentor. She wasn't talking about it anymore out of fear.

 

I'm glad you've made a good life for yourself.

 

Alley :grouphug:

[Jen in NY]

I have to leave and didn't read all the responses, but I will when I get in. This topic is extremely interesting to me!

 

I was bullied mercilessly in middle school by one person in particular... to the point of misery. After about three years I decided to leave the school in 10th grade. I transferred to a private school in November of 10th grade. Imagine my surprise to find a friend request from this person on Facebook very recently, and after accepting, to find out that this person had left my original school in December of 10th grade because his family moved!!!!!

 

Needless to say.... my life did change... graduated from a totally different high school.... met all new people ... some good, some bad.... all worked out in the end. But MAN!

Wild not to know for all these years that If I had only stuck it out one more month things would have been completely different.