Ravin Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 Who does that? I'm not talking extended family.This was my dad. Usually he sends me political junk email that he knows is the opposite of my stance on life, the universe, and everything. Sometimes he sends me "here's generally what's going on in life" updates. Today,he sent me an email telling me he's been diagnosed with prostate cancer, which will be complicated to treat even though they caught it early, because of his heart condition. And that he's blaming Agent Orange and finally getting around to filing with the VA. Good grief, who does that? I don't know yet if he did the same (sent email) to my sisters, told them on the phone, or in person (they live five minutes from him, so this is possible; I live 2 states away.) I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, he NEVER calls. I've suggested in the past when he's complained that I don't call that "Cat's in the Cradle" should be his theme song, but he didn't get it. (I do occasionally call him, and have shared big news with him over the phone or in person.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 I AWY.(Though I bet I would try to pull that since I don't like to have emotional conversations.) :leaving: I'm sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 I think for some people it is easier to convey things in writing than saying it. One is not confronted with another's reaction right away but has time to adjust. If you write him back he will be able to read it - perhaps several times - before he responds. In many ways, he may view it as a way to communicate that affords him more time to select his words. I would not necessarily take it as uncaring. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 I AWY. (Though I bet I would try to pull that since I don't like to have emotional conversations.) :leaving: I'm sorry. I had to squint to read the fine print...but this is what I meant in my post. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NASDAQ Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 I'm sorry that your father is sick and that you and he have such strained communication. This must be very frightening. I would be inclined to cut him the maximum possible slack in this particular situation though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 I think delivering news like this can put people on the spot to comfort the receiver of the news. No, it's not great to find out this way. But I would give him quite a bit of grace given the circumstances and I'm incredibly sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 I'm so sorry! When I went through something very scary when I was pregnant with oldest, I couldn't tell my parents because I honestly couldn't handle them being upset. I was already emotional and scared. I had my sister tell them for me, and they called me after they had time to calm down. If I had access to texting or email at the time, I probably would have told everyone that way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 I'm sorry about your dad. I wonder if that was his best means of communication at the time? It doesn't make it easier for you to receive that way of course. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soapy Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 My dad did the exact same thing a few months ago. I was at work and my mother called and said, "Your father is about to send you an email that he has prostate cancer, but I told him you don't do that over email." And, sure enough, five minutes later I got the email. Since it wasn't a surprise, my dad might have thought it was okay, though I'm thankful that my mom called first. I'm sorry to hear about your dad. I hope his treatment goes smoothly and that the heart problems don't complicate his care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 My father did not like to talk about anything unpleasant. Had he been of a different generation I could see him telling everyone about his cancer via email. That way you don't have to deal with the emotional response of the recipient. As it was, he hid his cancer for as long as possible because he wanted to live his life and not be treated like a sick person by those he loved the most. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 I agree with you that it is a very hard way to hear and can understand how it exacerbates the gulf between you. Does receiving the email bother you most because it seems to say that you are not close enough to warrant a phone call, because you couldn't ask question, because it's not generally accepted practice, because it made it harder on you, or ??? If you want some perspective on why he might have done that , though, coping with a cancer diagnosis can be a big deal for the one who gets the diagnosis, and it is not surprising that he would use his typical means of communication rather than suddenly call or tell you in person. When I was diagnosed, telling my parents and kids was the hardest part of the diagnositic process. (Did it in person with my kids, on the phone with parents who live out of state.) I had the emotional/mental/spiritual energy to do it that way and it was the typical way I communicated anyway. Perhaps your dad does not have the inner resources. OR totally coming at it from another point of view, some prostate cancers can go untreated and never bother the person. A friend's dad must have been dx'd 10 years ago. Never had any treatment. Not a problem yet. So it could be that he doesn't regard it as earth-shattering news, either. Whatever, I am sorry that you received the news in a way that was upsetting to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 well, fwiw, when i was facing ovarian AND kidney cancer last year, i got to the point where i just couldn't talk about it any more. i just couldn't. it was just too much all of the time. so i resorted to emails, messaging, facebook.... and sometimes just silence. i just needed to "be". and one thing i learned thru the process, is that whatever is going to make for the best outcome has got to be okay. so if i didn't want to call folks, that had to be okay. i did appoint one of our dds as the offical news giver, and she regularly posted stuff and called people. and said, "i'll let mom know you called". all that said, i did call our dds not at home the first time. fwiw, ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vonfirmath Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 Honestly... I wouldn't think anything of sending such news in email. We let most people know we were pregnant by email. To assure they all got the information at once. I can easily see doing the exact same thing for sadder news. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luanne Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 I tried to tell family either in person or on the phone. To be honest though, I let my mother and daughter tell most of my family. I couldn't deal with it and it was easier on me that way. I can understand not wanting to find out that way, but I can also understand why he might have found it easier for him to do it that way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 Oh I would so do that, i.e., share a cancer diagnosis with my family via email. I do not like Big Important Personal Concersations. It is his cancer and his body--this is not about you. Get over it. Eta: I didn't mean for that to sound so harsh. I don't mean it like that. What I mean is to suggest that you look past the means of delivery and react to the news itself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 I know this is a JAWM, but I firmly believe that the person who is sick gets to communicate however they wish. I am sorry about your dad, though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 I am so sorry Ravin. I know it seems like a poor way to communicate this news, but I agree with PP, he probably just couldn't handle the emotional overload of conveying the news by phone. And maybe he wanted you to be able to process everything in private before having to come up with something to say. I made the mistake of telling my SIL and her daughter about my cancer by phone without checking their location (I called the cell phone and she automatically put it on speaker phone so they were both listening). SIL was driving and nearly drove off the road. They were both terribly upset and still had to drive home. In hindsight maybe an email asking them to call me when they had a moment to talk privately would probably have been a better option. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted April 28, 2014 Author Share Posted April 28, 2014 I agree with you that it is a very hard way to hear and can understand how it exacerbates the gulf between you. Does receiving the email bother you most because it seems to say that you are not close enough to warrant a phone call, because you couldn't ask question, because it's not generally accepted practice, because it made it harder on you, or ??? If you want some perspective on why he might have done that , though, coping with a cancer diagnosis can be a big deal for the one who gets the diagnosis, and it is not surprising that he would use his typical means of communication rather than suddenly call or tell you in person. When I was diagnosed, telling my parents and kids was the hardest part of the diagnositic process. (Did it in person with my kids, on the phone with parents who live out of state.) I had the emotional/mental/spiritual energy to do it that way and it was the typical way I communicated anyway. Perhaps your dad does not have the inner resources. OR totally coming at it from another point of view, some prostate cancers can go untreated and never bother the person. A friend's dad must have been dx'd 10 years ago. Never had any treatment. Not a problem yet. So it could be that he doesn't regard it as earth-shattering news, either. Whatever, I am sorry that you received the news in a way that was upsetting to you. Honestly? I get why he'd WANT to communicate it that way. But when I was expecting, or have had bad news, I called my parents and siblings on the phone to announce these things. When I had to tell them I'm transgender and am starting treatment soon to transition to male, I used my very strained family vacation budget to DRIVE OUT THERE and tell them in PERSON, even though I was terrified of what their responses would be (including his). I HATE having to have these kinds of phone and personal conversations too. I'd have loved to just send emails. But I didn't because you don't dump things like this on your family that way. These are the learned social rules I was taught to follow. Apparently by my mother--who did bother to speak to me on the phone this weekend to let me know about my stepdad being in jail (something to do with an illegal transfer of prescription drugs, with gun charges tacked on because he carries) and her deciding she's done with him (the arrest is a last straw for her in a whole pattern of behavior). OTOH, finding out my sister was pregnant with her first on FB didn't bother me. Maybe it's just the burden of bearing bad news which I have always accepted and he's blowing off that irritates me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Butter Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 I am betting that he did that because it's scary and a uncomfortable thing to share. I'm so sorry it was upsetting to "hear" it from an email. I'd be very upset, too. That would be pretty shocking (though a cancer diagnosis is shocking no matter what the method of delivery). I wish he had called you. My dad had/has prostate cancer. He was diagnosed in June 2008 and had surgery to remove his prostate September 11, 2008. His PSA level has since increased a little bit so he has cancer cells in him floating around that they are watching. Prostate cancer is, thankfully, one of the most treatable cancers. But it's still cancer and that's scary. ((HUGS)) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nmoira Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 I tried to tell family either in person or on the phone. To be honest though, I let my mother and daughter tell most of my family. I couldn't deal with it and it was easier on me that way. I can understand not wanting to find out that way, but I can also understand why he might have found it easier for him to do it that way. This. I recently had some bad news to convey to family and friends, but couldn't make it past the third phone call. It was emotionally wrenching each time as from anew. Like you, I ended up delegating. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 Honestly? I get why he'd WANT to communicate it that way. But when I was expecting, or have had bad news, I called my parents and siblings on the phone to announce these things. When I had to tell them I'm transgender and am starting treatment soon to transition to male, I used my very strained family vacation budget to DRIVE OUT THERE and tell them in PERSON, even though I was terrified of what their responses would be (including his). I HATE having to have these kinds of phone and personal conversations too. I'd have loved to just send emails. But I didn't because you don't dump things like this on your family that way. These are the learned social rules I was taught to follow. Apparently by my mother--who did bother to speak to me on the phone this weekend to let me know about my stepdad being in jail (something to do with an illegal transfer of prescription drugs, with gun charges tacked on because he carries) and her deciding she's done with him (the arrest is a last straw for her in a whole pattern of behavior). OTOH, finding out my sister was pregnant with her first on FB didn't bother me. Maybe it's just the burden of bearing bad news which I have always accepted and he's blowing off that irritates me. You sound like a principled and courageous woman. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 Honestly? I get why he'd WANT to communicate it that way. But when I was expecting, or have had bad news, I called my parents and siblings on the phone to announce these things. When I had to tell them I'm transgender and am starting treatment soon to transition to male, I used my very strained family vacation budget to DRIVE OUT THERE and tell them in PERSON, even though I was terrified of what their responses would be (including his). I HATE having to have these kinds of phone and personal conversations too. I'd have loved to just send emails. But I didn't because you don't dump things like this on your family that way. These are the learned social rules I was taught to follow. Apparently by my mother--who did bother to speak to me on the phone this weekend to let me know about my stepdad being in jail (something to do with an illegal transfer of prescription drugs, with gun charges tacked on because he carries) and her deciding she's done with him (the arrest is a last straw for her in a whole pattern of behavior). OTOH, finding out my sister was pregnant with her first on FB didn't bother me. Maybe it's just the burden of bearing bad news which I have always accepted and he's blowing off that irritates me. Your body, your choice. HIs body, his choice. I would think you would understand and appreciate that. He's not dumping anything on you--he didn't ask for prostate cancer; he has not had months to wrestle with the decision over whether to have prostate cancer or not. He did not get to test the waters, so to speak, and ease gently into having prostate cancer. I do not understand why it has to be your way or the wrong way here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 :grouphug: But it is his diagnosis and he can share it however he feels it is easier for him. I don't get it why difficult personal things are expected to be shared in person / on the phone, as though the person who has the bad news owes something to his or her family. It is okay for him to share the news in the way he is most comfortable with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 Honestly? I get why he'd WANT to communicate it that way. But when I was expecting, or have had bad news, I called my parents and siblings on the phone to announce these things. When I had to tell them I'm transgender and am starting treatment soon to transition to male, I used my very strained family vacation budget to DRIVE OUT THERE and tell them in PERSON, even though I was terrified of what their responses would be (including his). I HATE having to have these kinds of phone and personal conversations too. I'd have loved to just send emails. But I didn't because you don't dump things like this on your family that way. These are the learned social rules I was taught to follow. The established social rules came into existence before emails. Is is a phone call, unexpected and often coming at an inconvenient time, is the most like "dumping", while an email provides a buffer for all involved. I'd much rather receive upsetting news in an email, because I believe it is easier for both the sender and the recipient. Despite all the potential turmoil, you can't really equate your decision to start treatment to transition to male to someone's cancer diagnosis. You made the choice to tell them in person, and it was a difficult choice, and it worked for you. What if they told you that they preferred to receive your news in a letter instead? There's nothing inherently wrong with that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 Who does that? I'm not talking extended family.This was my dad. Usually he sends me political junk email that he knows is the opposite of my stance on life, the universe, and everything. Sometimes he sends me "here's generally what's going on in life" updates. Today,he sent me an email telling me he's been diagnosed with prostate cancer, which will be complicated to treat even though they caught it early, because of his heart condition. And that he's blaming Agent Orange and finally getting around to filing with the VA. Good grief, who does that? I don't know yet if he did the same (sent email) to my sisters, told them on the phone, or in person (they live five minutes from him, so this is possible; I live 2 states away.) I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, he NEVER calls. I've suggested in the past when he's complained that I don't call that "Cat's in the Cradle" should be his theme song, but he didn't get it. (I do occasionally call him, and have shared big news with him over the phone or in person.) My FIL will forward copies of emails that he sends to his friends so we know how his Parkinson's treatment is going. He does not include any personal message to us, just forwards what he already sent to others. We can see the header and know that the guy down the street got this information several days ago. Why is DH in therapy over his family of origin issues? :glare: :glare: Sorry to hear about your dad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kitten18 Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 Sorry about your dad, I totally understand why you're upset. I do expect to hear this kind of news over the phone. Hugs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunflowerlady Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 I'm sorry about you dad's illness. I hope that he gets the treatment he needs and makes a full recovery. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 I don't know if this makes you feel any better, but 80% of men over the age of 80 have prostate cancer and almost all of them will die of something else. Prostate cancer is extremely common, slow growing, and rarely fatal. Doctors usually choose to leave it alone unless the patient is particularly young because the cure is almost always worse than the disease. Eta: I didn't mean better about the way your were told, but better about his prognosis. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melinda S in TX Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 A few weeks ago, my dh was placed on hospice. I texted my mil and fil as soon as I knew that was what we would be doing. My fil was in the waiting room and my mil was at home. They knew I was having a big meeting with the doctor, and I knew they would want to know immediately. They were fine with it. I texted one of my close friends and told her about Steven being put on hospice. I happened to see another friend that doesn't text, and I told her in person. She could not believe that I would text something like that. I told her that I had met my crying limit for the day, but I wanted them to know. Sometimes it comes down to telling you via email or text or not telling you at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 A few weeks ago, my dh was placed on hospice. I texted my mil and fil as soon as I knew that was what we would be doing. My fil was in the waiting room and my mil was at home. They knew I was having a big meeting with the doctor, and I knew they would want to know immediately. They were fine with it. I texted one of my close friends and told her about Steven being put on hospice. I happened to see another friend that doesn't text, and I told her in person. She could not believe that I would text something like that. I told her that I had met my crying limit for the day, but I wanted them to know. Sometimes it comes down to telling you via email or text or not telling you at all. How is Steven? I was thinking of you all recently. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 Dh and I have been there, done that. He had a life-altering diagnosis (MS), and we told my family via email. We were not up to discussing it, did not want sympathy and did not want any awkward conversation or response. He may have called his siblings, but he/they kept it from his mom until he could fly out and tell her several months later. The kind of funny thing was that I told my family I didn't want to talk about it. So in eight years, they have never talked about it. Ever. A few times a year, someone may ask how he's doing, but that's it. I'm not complaining--I did get exactly what I asked for, right? I'm sorry about your dad. I am guessing that he does not want you to worry or feel badly for him. I'm also thinking he's at a place where this is all new to him, facing the unknown and not really sure how to approach much of anything about it yet. And I am sure that his "no phone calls" plays into his decision quite a bit too. :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted April 29, 2014 Author Share Posted April 29, 2014 It's not that I'd necessarily expect the phone call from him personally. One of my sisters, my stepmom... And I was not directly comparing the situation to mine, when I had plenty of time to plan ahead He's always been very out of sight, out of mind about us. Any child of his to have the audacity to live out of state is a social afterthought to him. Email is so impersonal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted April 29, 2014 Share Posted April 29, 2014 After delivering life changing worse-than-cancer news about my son to several people in person, I don't begrudge ANYONE doing it by email. There is nothing good about re-living the initial diagnosis with EVERY retelling. This was 7 years ago and I still shiver to remember how horrible it felt to 'do it right.' I just quit after a while and let other people spread the word. If I had to do it over, I'd turn off the phone, send an email, and hide for a while. Dealing with other peoples pain is too much on top of your own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loowit Posted April 29, 2014 Share Posted April 29, 2014 I can really see why you see it as impersonal. I know many people who would feel like you do. It is hard to get news like that no matter how you get it, but I can see how a phone call would be easier for some people. However, I have done similar things, although not with a cancer diagnosis. When my DS needed surgery on his spinal cord last year I was very upset and didn't want to answer a ton of question multiple times so I sent an email to family. I did later talk to my parents more in depth when I had calmed down and had time to process everything. MIL already knew about it because she was at the appointment when we got the diagnosis. I hope that it didn't upset people by sending email, that wasn't my intent, but I think for me it is a self-defense mechanism that I needed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted April 29, 2014 Author Share Posted April 29, 2014 I will say, unless he bcc'd everyone else, he only sent the email to me. It's not that I would rather get the information by phone. email is easier to receive, too. But it's not how you're supposed to do it. Like, why was I taught and in the past have had to employ these personal approaches of actually talking to people if I could just send an email and that's socially acceptable? Apparently as far as my father is concerned it is. I suppose I should be glad he bothered telling me at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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