4ofus Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 How would you take it if someone referred to your kids as "overachievers"? I received a comment like this today & it strangely keeps coming to mind. Like I can't figure out if it's nothing or I'm bothered. I normally can't even remember what I talked about earlier today. Whatcha think? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 See Frozen thread. "Let It Go" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 Yeah there is no such thing as an overachiever. Nowadays we just call that "highly successful". Seriously, how does one even go about achieving more than one is actually capable of? It's a dumb comment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cammie Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 They are jealous of what your kid has accomplished....let it go. If they were not jealous the comment would have been "wow, you must be so proud." Or "what a great job your kid did on XYZ." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SharonM Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 Maybe they feel that their kids are "underachiever". Many times remarks like this really only refer to the persons self-identity or insecurity. Its really HER problem. Let it Go... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4ofus Posted March 25, 2014 Author Share Posted March 25, 2014 Y'know. It's uncomfortable. The source wasn't another parent. The source was the wife/office manager of one of our kids' extracurricular activities. Her dh is the kids' coach. And it wasn't directed at me. It was directed at another facility parent, but said with a raised tone & glance as if to make sure I heard it. And a chuckle. Like we're best friends & can make strange comments freely. It was just uncomfortable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I don't like labels even when they are considered "positive". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I think it could go either way, because different people assign different meanings to it. I would have asked what she meant. Some people think "overachiever" means a person who tries harder than his peers and has results to prove it. I would take that as a positive comment. I think the more common meaning is negative, as in, pushed (by self or other) to try to reach a level that can't be maintained without ridiculous measures. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Strawberry Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I would definitely let this one slide. Given the circumstances, it doesn't sound like it's worth your energy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El... Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 In my family, it is criticism for trying too hard, overestimating our abilities, and getting in over our heads. I come from a large family of over-achievers. :glare: Usually we use it as self-deprecating humor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 Personally, I think it all depends on the other person's intent when they said it. It could have been a compliment or a snarky remark. I wouldn't necessarily assume that the people who use the term "overachievers" are in any way jealous or that their own kids don't measure up to the so-called "overachievers." Sometimes they mean it in a nice way, as a way of acknowledging that a kid is working hard and being successful, and other times they may honestly feel that the parents are pushing the kid too hard to achieve too much too quickly. Without asking for clarification, you have no way of knowing, unless this particular person has a history of making unpleasant remarks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 That word has a negative connotation and people who throw it around are usually jealous or insecure or both. Ignore it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwik Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I would just think she was a bit rude. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joyofsixreboot Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I have had this comment and others. I've decided it's sour grapes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 Maybe you should ask him........"What do you mean by that? Do you mean they literally OVER achieve what they are capable of achieving, or do you mean they are working to their potential?" One friend touts herself as being a tiger mom and loves it when people say her kids are overachievers. I will admit many comment on how her kids never get to do fun things because she is so focused on achievement that unless the activity includes something to "get ahead" her children aren't allowed to participate. It is NOT jealousy or sour grapes at all. It is a "you really need to let your hair down a bit" comment. In fact, another friend is far more laid back and allows her kids to be kids and her older two children have done very well for themselves. I am not saying you are like this, but did want to point out that not all negative comments are because someone is jealous. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I am just going to say that I usually hear this as amused admiration. Most people sort of respect high achieving kids and many wish their own kids were more ambitious. But some traits associated with that - the kid version of a 'type A personality' - can be frustrating, or sometimes it is frustrating to people when one kid is so good the others can't really compete. Maybe I give people too much credit, but I wouldn't think all these really negative things about sour grapes, jealousy, etc. I have heard comments like this about one of my sons. I think people just say stuff. Like me, they find his focus frustrating at times. But I have noticed that the same people who make comments like this will turn around and introduce me to someone as his mother and use really positive, flattering descriptions of him. I think that unless someone is being obviously ugly, you should give the benefit of the doubt, and if you aren't sure, respond to it as a positive comment. So you might say, "Yeah, he really is just so good! And he is so gentlemanly too. His parents must be proud." I feel like I deal (school, sports,orchestra) with lots of competitive parents, and really, very few are jealous or gripey about other kids just because they perform well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 As those before me have said, "Pass the bean dip." My homeschooling relatives have been saying that for over a decade. My students are working at the level of their ability, period. And I don't care much about what anybody else is doing, period. Someone we know also periodically says things to the effect that you can't have academic achievement and good character in the same box. Hogwash. I know plenty of high achievers who are lovely people. Yup. Move on... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 As those before me have said, "Pass the bean dip." My homeschooling relatives have been saying that for over a decade. My students are working at the level of their ability, period. And I don't care much about what anybody else is doing, period. Someone we know also periodically says things to the effect that you can't have academic achievement and good character in the same box. Hogwash. I know plenty of high achievers who are lovely people. Yup. Move on... And why would high academic achievement and good character be mutually exclusive? Good night! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pawz4me Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I don't think it's always used with a negative connotation. IME many people now commonly use it to describe a kid who achieves more than average. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stephanier.1765 Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 When I was a kid, people often referred to me that way. It always made me feel bad about myself as if I was doing something wrong by trying to do the best I could. Please reassure your children that is not the case. Ugh, just thinking about it drags up those feelings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hillfarm Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 Mirriam-Webster: someone who has much more success than is normal or expected, especially at a young age Urban Dictionary: someone who is sooo much better than you that it pisses you off IMO, there is also an implied judgment/criticism that the person goes to crazy lengths to acquire the skill in question or that they are bizarrely fixated on achieving, especially if it is something that is not all that important. So I think it depends on the intent of the person speaking to determine whether or not it is an underhanded compliment or whether it is a veiled insult. I do wish my dd had a little more of the overachiever "gene". I am pretty driven most of the time, but she takes after dh and is content to (in her words)"occasionally get 3rd or 4th place". Argh!!! It has been so hard for me to learn how to keep my competitive mouth shut and to enjoy her occasional "wins" with her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I don't really have a negative connotation about it, so it wouldn't bother me. I would prob take it as a sign that my kid's ability was shining through. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I'd nod and move on. I know perfectly well that one of my kids is an overachiever - in the positive sense of the word. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dhudson Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 "Yes, they are. Thank you for noticing." It is part my smile and nod theory of not engaging with those who are rude. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I guess I misunderstood that the comment was made about the OP's own son. Sorry I didn't read more carefully. I do think that might have been meant as sort of a compliment, though perhaps a double edged one. At the very least, I will say that calling a child an "overachiever" at least acknowledges that he has some good achievements, and that they aren't all about being "smart" or "talented" but that there I some element of wanting it and working for it. I get that this can be an insult for some people - I am sure all kinds of intents are possible, and I do think it's sort of illogical to think that there is some kind of "correct" achievement level and then a higher level that is above that and "too much." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 One of my grad school classmates when I was getting my teaching license once commented, snarkily "Well, you know Donna. anything worth doing is overdoing." I actually kind of liked that statement, because to me, what she considers overdoing is simply "doing"-but there are also whole areas in my life that I don't consider being worth doing to anywhere near the extent she did (like spending large amounts of time on hair and makeup to go sit in a 3 hour graduate class), and in those, I'm clearly an underachiever ;). My DD9 is much the same way-she will spend hours on something that she wants to focus on, but if it's not important to her, it's simply not important to her and she'll do what is required. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
forty-two Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 My personal definition of overachiever is going above and beyond outside expectations - kind of being internally driven to excel beyond what "needs" to be done. Like Hermione Granger writing three feet on an essay that had a 10 inch minimum. I generally consider it a good thing, and I'm fine with the label - even embraced it at times. Granted, many times people said it in a bemused sort of tone that said, "You're *weird*", but I've also seen weird as a good thing, so people thinking I was weird for having high internal standards (a very good thing in my mind) didn't phase me a bit. There's some potential downsides to an overachieving attitude - namely when you forget that your high standards are *yours* and not other people's, and either try to hold everyone else to your standards instead of the generally accepted ones, or you start thinking other people are holding you to your own standards and feel like you *have* to go above and beyond or else something horrible will happen. That sucks, but imo it's more overachieving run amuck than overachieving itself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4ofus Posted March 25, 2014 Author Share Posted March 25, 2014 This particular activity is so...chill. Like, I don't know how you could possibly be an overachiever. It's very character-tenents oriented. How can you possibly overachieve in character-building activities? It just seemed so - yucky. I didn't respond, as I think it's best to not give attention to the attention-seeker, but I still left with a little question mark hanging over my head. Just 'Why? and What was the purpose?' Am I supposed to be complimented or insulted? Haha. It would seem it wasn't a very good...either one. It went like this: Adult speaking to another parent "......like those _________________ boys. Overachievers." I don't know the context as it wasn't my conversation & I wasn't listening, but this part was in a raised tone & when I looked over in response to hearing the boys name called out in a raised tone, she was waiting for eye contact. So it was intended for me to hear. Just that alone, maybe it was meant to be complimentary. Idk. Anyway, I did want to clarify that I'm not really in a tizzy or anything :). The kids & I are in a pretty good place right now & I'm not easily rattled. It's not important to me that everyone like us all the time. Ain't gonna happen :). It is important to me that we don't go around being deliberately un-likable :). I just wondered what others' feelings would be about it. That's all :). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trilliums Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 The way you describe the conversation, yea, that would bother me too. And I would wonder. And I would think it was pretty rude of them. I also would try to let it go, but I would vent to DH about it. :laugh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I vote sour grapes, too. Don't let it bother you. That would be a compliment in many areas, and in my family - for sure. :) How rude to discuss someone else's children that way, with another parent but with a raised voice so you'd take notice. This is her problem, not yours. Celebrate that you're in a good place with your kids right now - that is awesome! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I am just going to say that I usually hear this as amused admiration. I agree. In no way would I take offense in the situation as described. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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