Can we talk custody/visitation schedules?

[aggieamy]

Does anyone have any experience with a week on/week off schedule for visitation?  It would be with a 9 year old that goes to public school.  Right now the situation is Monday/Tuesday at one house.  Wednesday/Thursday at the other house.  Friday/Saturday/Sunday rotate between the houses.  New schedule would be one week on, switch on Sunday night, one week off.

 

Any tips to make it easier?  What are some of the problems?  What are some of the benefits?

 

Thanks so much!

[Lolly]

I had a boy in my 5th grade class (when teaching) who had a week on/off schedule. It seemed to work really well for them. But, they lived in the same neighborhood (easy walking distance between houses). He was allowed to go to the other house when he wanted to to get stuff and visit. These two parents got along very well (or gave that appearacne at least).

[aggieamy]

It didn't work for our son when he had his son every other week.  But our grandson was much younger and had oppositional issues, anyway.  He just never got the hang of two different sets of rules for such a long period each time. So, my son had it changed to a better schedule.   I know someone else for whom it didn't work, either, and the daughter is 6ish and in school.  They're just now changing the schedule.

 

What was the better schedule?

 

We have fantastic communication between all four parents (steps included) and we are all on board with keeping a consistent schedule.  We're hoping that helps.  Currently there isn't a problem with the schedule but it makes it tough getting a tennis racket, a violin, and homework back and forth between houses.  We're trying to simplify the kid's life, you know?   :)

[OneStepAtATime]

My BIL and former SIL discovered after a few bumps in the road that the kids did better with more consistency and eventually ended up with a 2 weeks with one, 2 weeks with another schedule. switching off usually mid-day on the Sunday in between.  Teachers were given the schedule, too, so they would know which parent to contact if necessary.  They also kept a checklist of everything that had to be moved between the houses, including school stuff, certain clothes, etc., so that there was less chance of something important being left behind.  If the child was in the middle of a big project, the parents conferred over who was getting the supplies and if supplies that one parent had purchased went missing at the other parent's house, then the other parent and the child would be responsible for replacing the missing supplies.  This was agreed upon ahead of time, instead of in the heat of a dispute.  They wrote the agreement down and signed it, like a contract, and the children also signed the contract so they would know they couldn't play one parent off the other.

 

They would also confer every few months on any upcoming necessary modifications to that schedule, and would write them on matching calendars.

 

The laptop did become an issue, since all three kids needed access but whenever they were at mom's the two much younger half siblings seemed to mess it up quite often, leaving all three needing a computer to finish school work and trying to share step dad's computer.  It became a big issue.  Eventually, BIL told ex-wife he was keeping the laptop at his house only, and unless she wanted to provide a second one at her home, she could take the kids to the library for computer work when they were with her or let them keep using her new husband's.  He regrets that the laptop was not dealt with in a more effective manner sooner since he had to replace it once and repair it twice before finally putting his foot down.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

My only experience is my own, as a child.  The brief time we did one week on one week off, I hated it.  :-(  It was just too long for me, as a child (similar age) to go without seeing my mommy.  :-)  I much preferred the more broken up schedule, similar to what you described. 

 

It WAS a hassle, regardless, as I got older, to remember gym equipment, which house to do laundry at, school stuff (get the kid a flash drive or a google doc account!), and I hated having chores at both houses- why did I get stuck cleaning two bathrooms, my brother mowed two lawns, etc?  lol.    Try to think about those things from a child's perspective. 

 

Custody is so, so hard.  I would just keep the communication open, especially with the child, give whatever arrangement you want a try, and then let it go back to another if necessary.  Also, summer schedules can be different than school schedules, etc.  There was no skype in my day, but that might make a week-long stay easier on a child, if specific "date calls" can be set up with the other parent. 

[aggieamy]

My only experience is my own, as a child.  The brief time we did one week on one week off, I hated it.  :-(  It was just too long for me, as a child (similar age) to go without seeing my mommy.  :-)  I much preferred the more broken up schedule, similar to what you described. 

 

It WAS a hassle, regardless, as I got older, to remember gym equipment, which house to do laundry at, school stuff (get the kid a flash drive or a google doc account!), and I hated having chores at both houses- why did I get stuck cleaning two bathrooms, my brother mowed two lawns, etc?  lol.    Try to think about those things from a child's perspective. 

 

Custody is so, so hard.  I would just keep the communication open, especially with the child, give whatever arrangement you want a try, and then let it go back to another if necessary.  Also, summer schedules can be different than school schedules, etc.  There was no skype in my day, but that might make a week-long stay easier on a child, if specific "date calls" can be set up with the other parent. 

 

It's interesting that you mention the problem of missing the other family because that's something DD brought up.  I'm going to put together a scrapbook of each family for her to keep at the other house and we'll plan on going up to have lunch with her once on our 'off' weeks.  I'm a little more worried about DH and I missing her though!  

[Tap]

My son had a friend who did this.  The parents got along good, and they were all flexible when things needed adjustments.  The parents didn't fight about an extra day one way or the other due to everyone's plan and made sure to communicate via text (or at least send confirmations) to all parties involved so there was clear communication about what was happening/when.  

 

I am pretty sure that they had an arrangement that whoever had him for the week, dropped him off for school on Monday.  That way the parents had the entire week and the responsibility of homework/projects/sleep etc that were needed for Monday.  Over time, he kind of found his own rhythm and worked with his parents to have a very flexible schedule that he dictated.   

 

He was in a blended family, where both households had permanent children and he was the only one who went back and forth, so each house still had kid schedules every day no matter what.  (as opposed to families who have a week of no kids and the adults can do/plan what ever they want on thier days off). I am sure that made the flexibility easier for everyone. 

[OneStepAtATime]

I will say this also really depends on the relationship the child has with the parents and how well each parent does with consistency and being the primary caregiver.  I have friends that divorced and one of the parents is NOT the best primary care provider.  Meals got skipped, school work was frequently not done, the kids got to school late or got picked up from extracurricular events late, etc..  The parent with the better parenting skills ended up having to step in on a regular basis to straighten things out, so they stopped doing one week and one week and went to mostly full weekdays and one weekend with the more responsible parent, then a weekend and a couple of weekdays with the other parent, then a full week and a weekend with the other parent, etc.

[swellmomma]

What a horrible schedule that child currently has, there is no stability in that.  In fact I find there is very little stability in a 1 week one house, 1 week the other.  If the back and forth must occur I would say 2 weeks one house 2 weeks the other, with wednesday night dinner with the parent not currently staying with.  Visitation schedules suck over all, but every effort needs to be done to give the chld the highest level of stability with the least amount of shuffling around. Of course my kids only get 2 weeks a year with their dad and this summer they are missing their week so they likely won't see him until next xmas break so I am not one to talk.

[Night Elf]

When my dd was young, 18 months to age 7, I had a week on/week off with her father. We did Friday to Friday. IOW, I would take her to school Friday morning, he'd pick her up and have her all that week, then I'd pick her up on Friday afternoon, and so on. It worked fine. We both got the hectic school days and the fun weekends. We rotated holidays. The reason we stopped was because my ex got remarried to a very controlling woman who wanted my dd full-time. That's a different story.

[OneStepAtATime]

Honestly, it seems this would really depend on the circumstances and the people involved as to what would work best.  As I think about it, I am realizing I know a lot of divorced people that have a wide variation of situations that seem to work well for them.  For instance, I do have a friend who has full custody of his second daughter, but she sees her mother whenever her mother is available.  They try to make certain she is with her at least once a week, but she has not actually lived with her mother since she was two.  She does sometimes spend the night, but not for an extended period.  It worked out better that way due to personal circumstances.  He also has another, older daughter, from a previous marriage, that lives in another city nearby.  He has her every other weekend, but every week, he and his daughter that lives with him drive to the other city to see her, help with homework, eat dinner, etc. at least one weeknight of every week so that she sees her dad and her half sister every week, but her school schedule is not disrupted.  She then stays with him and her half sister for at least a month every summer.  It has worked well for them, but might not work well for someone else.

[Cera]

I think every other week with a wednesday night visit from the parent they aren't with that week is ideal (or as ideal as 50/50 custody schedules can get).  We currently have a custody schedule like yours for one of the sets of kids in our house and it can get incredibly confusing.  Things don't seem to make it back to our house as they should which has more than once left us without needed items (which means the kids suffer).  

 

If you do decide to go with that schedule it might be worth looking into an ipod or similar device for the child to take back and forth so she also has that guarantee of the ability to video conference the family she isn't with whenever she wants to.  (assuming everyone gets along and is open to the idea)

[Scarlett]

I just asked my ds14 and my dss almost 13 their opinion. I asked them to consider if we lived in the same town as other parent. My son said no he would not like it. He likes the continuity of one house. He doesn't even like going for visitation because he likes his own house. My step son said he would be all for it.

 

So my conclusion based upon this small sample is it just depends on the kid.

[texasmama]

My oldest dd is from my first marriage, and her father and did a one week at a time schedule.  We switched on Fridays.  She attended a private school.  At times, we needed to adjust the schedule for a block of time to more time at one or the other parent's house due to circumstances like me having the babies, my mom having health issues and then passing away, etc.  Her dad did not remarry until the summer before her senior year of high school, and he is a good dad so it was a blessing to me to have the option for her to be at his house more at times (which was more stable during the time my mom was in the ICU and I had a four month old and a developmentally delayed 3 year old).  I was not at my best during that time, and dd was only 8.  He and I were always able to make decisions in her best interest together where the schedule was concerned so this was crucial in this situation working out.

[ktgrok]

I think longer times are good, but it depends on the age of the kid, ability to bond with other parent, etc. My son needed to be mostly with me at first, and my ex respected that. Now he goes back and forth pretty much at whim, as a teen. 

[aggieamy]

My son had a friend who did this.  The parents got along good, and they were all flexible when things needed adjustments.  The parents didn't fight about an extra day one way or the other due to everyone's plan and made sure to communicate via text (or at least send confirmations) to all parties involved so there was clear communication about what was happening/when.  

 

I am pretty sure that they had an arrangement that whoever had him for the week, dropped him off for school on Monday.  That way the parents had the entire week and the responsibility of homework/projects/sleep etc that were needed for Monday.  Over time, he kind of found his own rhythm and worked with his parents to have a very flexible schedule that he dictated.   

 

He was in a blended family, where both households had permanent children and he was the only one who went back and forth, so each house still had kid schedules every day no matter what.  (as opposed to families who have a week of no kids and the adults can do/plan what ever they want on thier days off). I am sure that made the flexibility easier for everyone. 

 

I'm glad to hear such a positive story with a situation much like ours.  We all do get along great so there isn't any bickering or fighting. We even considered them when we were figuring out who DS should go to if something should happen to DH and myself.

 

It's not perfect situation but neither party is interested in going to anything less than 50/50 so I'm really appreciating all the feedback.  

[Spryte]

DSS much preferred week on/week off to the continual back and forth of every other school night/every other weekend.  Sleeping more than one night in his bed (whichever bed) was preferred, there was time to settle in at each house and get into a better settled routine, etc.  Less transition times - and those transitions are hard for kids. In a 50/50 scenario, I think it makes sense.

 

We switched to that schedule when he was older...  There are some studies showing that shorter periods/more transitions are better for younger kids, and as they get older, the times they spend with each household can increase, thus lessening the number of transitions, etc.

 

I think our situation sounds similar to the one Tap described. 

 

I'm not saying that this schedule is easier for the parents - it's a lot of time to miss your kiddo.  But it did seem better for our kid.  I'm sure every child is different.  And, of course, this wouldn't apply to those not in a 50/50 situation.  :)

 

(I didn't read all the replies here, just a heads up, just skimmed a few.)

[AmandaVT]

I know a few kids who have done the one week on one week off schedule and they seemed to like it. I have a couple of friends/family members who switch on Wednesday after school and Sunday am. 

[KungFuPanda]

I have a friend who alternates every other week with her ex. It's worked well for them for years, but all four parents get along unusually well. The girls in question are in middle and high school, have used this schedule for years, and are delightful, well-adjusted teens. Both are honor students. The homes are in the same county.

 

They have a step sister at one house, so those parents alternate a week with three kids and a week without kids. At the other house they have a baby and toddler half sisters.

[Caroline]

I had a friend growing up who was at her mom's Sunday-Wednesday and at her Dad's Wednesday-Saturday. Her parents lived in the same school district, so she would take the bus to and from whichever home she was at, and on Wednesday she would take the morning bus from her mom's to school and the afternoon bus from school to her dad's. She kept a full wardrobe at each house. I think her Saturday transition was usually at a swim meet.

 

She was well adjusted all through school. She has grown up to be a lovely person. She didn't get married until she was almost 40, and jokes that she skipped her first marriage. It worked really well for her family. Her parents did not get along. But they worked things out for the kids. We all knew her parents didn't get along. It was obvious. And they stayed married longer than they should have. It was a relief for my friend when they split. She was happy it was all over.

 

My cousin's husband's children from his first marriage do the one week at dad's and then one week at mom's. Their parents also live in the same school district, which works well for buses, etc.

[bettyandbob]

My neighbor does this. The dad lives 4 doors from me. The mom lives 2 blocks away. They all get along. The girls can see whoever they are missing if they want. They can go to the other house and pick up stuff they need which they left. 

 

 

I think the key is all parties must get along and must be thinking about how life is for the child. Ease for the parent is NOT part of the equation at all. 

[aggieamy]

I've watched cousins do this with their two dds. It doesn't work well. The girls never have what they need for 4-H, horses, etc. It's a mess.

 

A follow up question for Margaret (and all others) who have seen it and it's been disaster ... would you consider the parents organized normally?  I'm wondering if a lot of the problems is lack of communication, disorganized parents, something else?

 

Obviously we're trying to problem solve for the best situation for DD and as it is now it's working but it's a lot for her to remember.  (ie - On Wednesday mornings she has to take her gym shoes to the other house even though she won't need them until Thursday and then on Friday has to remember dance bag for Saturday.)  

 

Thinking aloud here ... I wonder if it would be helpful to just have to sets of everything that we can.  Dance shoes, tennis racket, gym bag, so on.  Obviously musical instrument will have to switch houses but then it will be at the same place all week.  Then on Sunday we can just switch her, her backpack, and instrument.  

[Caroline]

Thinking aloud here ... I wonder if it would be helpful to just have two sets of everything that we can. Dance shoes, tennis racket, gym bag, so on. Obviously musical instrument will have to switch houses but then it will be at the same place all week. Then on Sunday we can just switch her, her backpack, and instrument.

My friend who split the week had two sets of everything. Two team swim suits, two GS uniforms (my mom, our GS leader, provided two sets of badges for her,) two gym uniforms, two wardrobes, etc. it wasn't cheap, I am sure, but it worked.

[Wheres Toto]

My oldest did week on/week off visitation from the time she was 8 years old until she graduated high school so we have a ton of experience with that.

 

We did our switch on Mondays - one person would drop off at school, the other would pick-up.

 

I guess it worked but she hated it.  The things she hated the most - having to remember to bring things like dance shoes with her to school on Mondays, just having to bring the stuff to school at all, not having something she wanted because it was at the other house, she really didn't like being at her dad's the whole week but that was because of issues between them.  Two weeks with her dad would have made things worse.  As it was, in the beginning she used to get sent home from school sick every Monday she was coming back to my house.  Luckily her teacher/school were really willing to give her time to adjust. 

 

She hated that it was hard to see her friends when she was at my house - I ALWAYS had to do the driving because few of her friends parents were willing to drive to drop them off even for long time/sleepover situation, her dad hardly let her go over her friends even though they were more local.    We lived about 20 minutes away. 

 

Things were made worse because we lived in different towns and it wasn't easy for her to pop over to the other house and pick things up all the time.

Things were made better when she started driving and we bought her a car and she could keep her stuff in it.

 

She went to elementary and junior high in her dad's town and I would pick her up right from school.  We would stop at her dad's house to pick things up sometimes but things still got forgotten.

 

ETA:  We did have two sets of important items for a while.  She was a competitive dancer so some of the shoes (tap especially) were expensive.  We did have doubles of some of the less expensive ones and her studio in high school had lockers for the girls so they could leave things there.  She had gym shoes at both houses and she did have some teachers would let her have doubles of books that were kept at home.

 

She went to highschool in my town and I used to pick her up even on her father's weeks.  She would come hang out at my house until he got off work and came to pick her up.

 

I'm pretty sure if asked she would say she hated it but part of that was the poor relationship she had/has with her dad.  She might not have minded so much if she was comfortable/liked being at his house.

[Lisa R.]

Not to derail...

 

Has anyone used "bird nesting" to solve custody issues? Basically, this involves the child living in one house/apartment all the time. The parents take turns going back and forth.

 

So, one parent is at the child's primary residence for part of the week. Then this parent moves out to allow the other parent to take over for the rest of the week. It places the burden on the parents to do the moving around rather than the child. The child remains in his/her same bed and in the same house and is not uprooted during the week.

 

This sounds difficult for the parents but seems like it woukd provide more stability for the child. I find it an interesting solution.

[Megbo]

We started a week on/week off schedule when Dss was 6, and it's always worked out pretty well. Within the last year or two, it's turned into 8 or 9 days at our house, then 5 or 6 with his mom, which both parents are okay with. Dss's best friends live in our neighborhood, so he prefers to hang out here on the weekends. We used to switch every Friday, but now it can be any time between Friday and Sunday night. 

 

Dss plays hockey 5-6 days per week, and Dh or I take him to every single practice and game. We keep the hockey gear here, and just pick him up and drop him back to his mom's house on her weeks. His mom picks him up from school and takes him to his piano lesson every Thursday, so Dss never goes more than 3 or 4 days without seeing one of his parents, except for vacations. 

 

We only live about 10 minutes away from Dss's mom, and he has keys to both houses, so we've never really worried about having two of things. He brings his basketball gear back and forth, wears the same pair of running sneakers every day and doesn't care too much about clothes. I'm sure it will be a little trickier with a girl. 

[Spryte]

Not to derail...

 

Has anyone used "bird nesting" to solve custody issues? Basically, this involves the child living in one house/apartment all the time. The parents take turns going back and forth.

 

So, one parent is at the child's primary residence for part of the week. Then this parent moves out to allow the other parent to take over for the rest of the week. It places the burden on the parents to do the moving around rather than the child. The child remains in his/her same bed and in the same house and is not uprooted during the week.

 

This sounds difficult for the parents but seems like it woukd provide more stability for the child. I find it an interesting solution.

My parents did this, so my perspective is a child's. It was not good. I would never suggest it, nor reccomend it. That was a true disaster.

 

They did it week on/week off, until I asked them to please , please stop. Which they did , thankfully.

[bettyandbob]

Not to derail...

 

Has anyone used "bird nesting" to solve custody issues? Basically, this involves the child living in one house/apartment all the time. The parents take turns going back and forth.

 

So, one parent is at the child's primary residence for part of the week. Then this parent moves out to allow the other parent to take over for the rest of the week. It places the burden on the parents to do the moving around rather than the child. The child remains in his/her same bed and in the same house and is not uprooted during the week.

 

This sounds difficult for the parents but seems like it woukd provide more stability for the child. I find it an interesting solution.

 

My friend did it for a while. It worked until the dad started bringing his girlfriend to the house to stay those weeks. It was wierd for the kids to have girlfriend in the house where mom and dad had been together. That was when they decided to sell the house. 

 

After that the kids visited two different home. It was agreed the two homes would be in the same school district. It was rough for my friend because she could afford very little for a while--even so the kids preferred her home (the dad did some things which made the kids feel he preferred girlfriend/new wife's younger dc). I think she moved 4 times in the six years until the youngest finished high school and lived in some small places. The kids could take school buses to either home. 

[aggieamy]

Not to derail...

 

Has anyone used "bird nesting" to solve custody issues? Basically, this involves the child living in one house/apartment all the time. The parents take turns going back and forth.

 

So, one parent is at the child's primary residence for part of the week. Then this parent moves out to allow the other parent to take over for the rest of the week. It places the burden on the parents to do the moving around rather than the child. The child remains in his/her same bed and in the same house and is not uprooted during the week.

 

This sounds difficult for the parents but seems like it woukd provide more stability for the child. I find it an interesting solution.

 

I can't see how that would work.  So there would be three houses - mom's house, dad's house, and then the shared house.  And when I got there and the people from the week before left dirty dishes in the sink I'd be livid.  And what do you do with the younger siblings?  And who pays for the couch at the kid house when it wears out?  It seems like that would be even worse for the child because they might have a home but they don't share it with anybody.  Kind of like living in a hotel where someone different is hanging out with you each week.  

[aggieamy]

We started a week on/week off schedule when Dss was 6, and it's always worked out pretty well. Within the last year or two, it's turned into 8 or 9 days at our house, then 5 or 6 with his mom, which both parents are okay with. Dss's best friends live in our neighborhood, so he prefers to hang out here on the weekends. We used to switch every Friday, but now it can be any time between Friday and Sunday night. 

 

Dss plays hockey 5-6 days per week, and Dh or I take him to every single practice and game. We keep the hockey gear here, and just pick him up and drop him back to his mom's house on her weeks. His mom picks him up from school and takes him to his piano lesson every Thursday, so Dss never goes more than 3 or 4 days without seeing one of his parents, except for vacations. 

 

We only live about 10 minutes away from Dss's mom, and he has keys to both houses, so we've never really worried about having two of things. He brings his basketball gear back and forth, wears the same pair of running sneakers every day and doesn't care too much about clothes. I'm sure it will be a little trickier with a girl. 

 

The hauling stuff around is one of our top reasons for doing this.  She already has a full wardrobe at each house but the shoes issue might be a concern.  She grows so fast that having two pairs of every type of shoes (boots, ballet flats, sandals) is costly.  It's not going to change the amount of time DD is at our house vs their house, it will just decrease the times when she has to switch.  We are hopeful and appreciate hearing success stories.  

[Megbo]

I can't see how that would work.  So there would be three houses - mom's house, dad's house, and then the shared house.  And when I got there and the people from the week before left dirty dishes in the sink I'd be livid.  And what do you do with the younger siblings?  And who pays for the couch at the kid house when it wears out?  It seems like that would be even worse for the child because they might have a home but they don't share it with anybody.  Kind of like living in a hotel where someone different is hanging out with you each week.  

 

My cousin did this with her four kids for a few years after her divorce, but I don't see how it could work in your case. Younger siblings having to move back and forth would defeat the purpose. It did seem to work well for my cousin until she and her ex started dating other people. By then, her two older kids had started college, so sending two kids between two houses was much more manageable. 

[katilac]

Not to derail...

 

Has anyone used "bird nesting" to solve custody issues? Basically, this involves the child living in one house/apartment all the time. The parents take turns going back and forth.

 

So, one parent is at the child's primary residence for part of the week. Then this parent moves out to allow the other parent to take over for the rest of the week. It places the burden on the parents to do the moving around rather than the child. The child remains in his/her same bed and in the same house and is not uprooted during the week.

 

This sounds difficult for the parents but seems like it woukd provide more stability for the child. I find it an interesting solution.

 

I can't imagine how this would work. Each parent would need a place to stay on their off-weeks, so you have a total of 3 households? And the nesting household would have to have a bedroom for each parent, plus however many for the kids. 

 

Then you have all the issues of cleaning the house, mowing the lawn, and so on. I can't see it working out well beyond a very short-term solution. 

[elfgivas]

A follow up question for Margaret (and all others) who have seen it and it's been disaster ... would you consider the parents organized normally?  I'm wondering if a lot of the problems is lack of communication, disorganized parents, something else?

 

Obviously we're trying to problem solve for the best situation for DD and as it is now it's working but it's a lot for her to remember.  (ie - On Wednesday mornings she has to take her gym shoes to the other house even though she won't need them until Thursday and then on Friday has to remember dance bag for Saturday.)  

 

Thinking aloud here ... I wonder if it would be helpful to just have to sets of everything that we can.  Dance shoes, tennis racket, gym bag, so on.  Obviously musical instrument will have to switch houses but then it will be at the same place all week.  Then on Sunday we can just switch her, her backpack, and instrument.  

yes, yes, yes.... sets of everything you can would be great!  

 

another thing that can help is a notebook, where things that happen during the week can be mentioned, and it travels with the child/children.  

 

regular email/facebook would work for communication, but everything being all together in a book seems to help emotionally.

 

has she complained about the current schedule?  is that why you are switching it?  or ???

 

good luck,

ann

[katilac]

 

another thing that can help is a notebook, where things that happen during the week can be mentioned, and it travels with the child/children.  

 

I would think a shared online calendar would be better. You have to remember to write in a physical book, and then remember to bring it back and forth! 

[elfgivas]

I would think a shared online calendar would be better. You have to remember to write in a physical book, and then remember to bring it back and forth! 

 

yes, you do.  but it is more like a diary.  eg.  "dc skinned his knee bike riding today.  bike and dc are both fine ;)"

it is more a record of the child's life that gets shared with everyone.  and that is its value, too.

 

for more practical arrangements, an online calendar is great; but that is not what the notebook is about.

 

fwiw,

ann

[Cera]

For communication we set up a separate gmail account for the kids.  Any emails pertaining to them go to that account (sports teams, schools, etc) and we both have the password to access it.  We use the associated gmail calendar to track everything that pertains to them (appts, practices, which day is which for school) and then we each have the email and calendar synced to our phones.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

Not to derail...

 

Has anyone used "bird nesting" to solve custody issues? Basically, this involves the child living in one house/apartment all the time. The parents take turns going back and forth.

 

So, one parent is at the child's primary residence for part of the week. Then this parent moves out to allow the other parent to take over for the rest of the week. It places the burden on the parents to do the moving around rather than the child. The child remains in his/her same bed and in the same house and is not uprooted during the week.

 

This sounds difficult for the parents but seems like it woukd provide more stability for the child. I find it an interesting solution.

 

I think this would be totally impractical- what if the reasons for the divorce are related to living style differences, etc?  Divorce already cuts the family income into pieces, so adding in an additional residence is probably not feasible. 

 

HOWEVER, I love the mental exercise of thinking this through.  I think parents should really have a think on this one, and understand that this unlivable arrangement is what they are going to be asking their kids to do until they are 18.  Divorce is hard on kids.  Even amicable divorce.  Even divorce where everyone is trying to get along and do what's best and custody and child care payments are agreed on happily.  Divorce is hard on kids.  Period. 

[Scarlett]

I think this would be totally impractical- what if the reasons for the divorce are related to living style differences, etc? Divorce already cuts the family income into pieces, so adding in an additional residence is probably not feasible.

 

HOWEVER, I love the mental exercise of thinking this through. I think parents should really have a think on this one, and understand that this unlivable arrangement is what they are going to be asking their kids to do until they are 18. Divorce is hard on kids. Even amicable divorce. Even divorce where everyone is trying to get along and do what's best and custody and child care payments are agreed on happily. Divorce is hard on kids. Period.

Such a good point --- it is what we are asking our kids to do. Go back and forth between houses. My son hates it.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

Such a good point --- it is what we are asking our kids to do. Go back and forth between houses. My son hates it.

 

:grouphug:   How tough.  I am not trying to make parents feel guilty in any way, by saying these things, but we should look at reality for children of divorce.  Divorce is so common now that sometimes I get the impression that people have come to believe that kids no longer suffer from it, that as long as everyone puts on a happy face and tries to work in the best interests of the child (ignoring for the moment what happens when divorced parents disagree on what is in the best interests of the child!), that the child experiences no long term negative effect.  Sadly, it just isn't so. 

[Scarlett]

:grouphug:   How tough.  I am not trying to make parents feel guilty in any way, by saying these things, but we should look at reality for children of divorce.  Divorce is so common now that sometimes I get the impression that people have come to believe that kids no longer suffer from it, that as long as everyone puts on a happy face and tries to work in the best interests of the child (ignoring for the moment what happens when divorced parents disagree on what is in the best interests of the child!), that the child experiences no long term negative effect.  Sadly, it just isn't so. 

 

 

I am not trying to make parents feel guilty either.  My hope is to help those who haven't actually divorced realize how hard of a road it is and to do everything in their power to NOT go down that road. 

 

Some parts of my life are sooooo much beter without my XH.  But for my son? I still feel sad for him about so much of it.  And for different reasons I feel sorry for my step son.  My son hates changing houses.....he would prefer to never go see his dad---or at least very little.  And it isn't because he doesn't like his dad it is because he likes being in his own house.  My ss hates that he can't be with both parents....when he is with his dad he misses his mom, when he is with his mom he misses his dad.  It is hard.  I really feel for all the kids of divorce.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I am not trying to make parents feel guilty either.  My hope is to help those who haven't actually divorced realize how hard of a road it is and to do everything in their power to NOT go down that road. 

 

Some parts of my life are sooooo much beter without my XH.  But for my son? I still feel sad for him about so much of it.  And for different reasons I feel sorry for my step son.  My son hates changing houses.....he would prefer to never go see his dad---or at least very little.  And it isn't because he doesn't like his dad it is because he likes being in his own house.  My ss hates that he can't be with both parents....when he is with his dad he misses his mom, when he is with his mom he misses his dad.  It is hard.  I really feel for all the kids of divorce.

 

Wholehearted agreement.  As a child, my ideal probably would have been to have ONE home (mom's) and see my dad for an hour every afternoon for a card game or trip to the park or what have you.  There just really are very few workable solutions.  :-( 

 

I didn't come out of my childhood hating or resenting my parents in any way, but I do have a sort of overall sadness that "custody arrangements" was the rhythm of my childhood. 

 

As an aside, Scarlett is our number two contender for a girl's name if this baby is a girl... I'm trying to get it into the number one slot though!

[Scarlett]

Wholehearted agreement.  As a child, my ideal probably would have been to have ONE home (mom's) and see my dad for an hour every afternoon for a card game or trip to the park or what have you.  There just really are very few workable solutions.  :-( 

 

I didn't come out of my childhood hating or resenting my parents in any way, but I do have a sort of overall sadness that "custody arrangements" was the rhythm of my childhood. 

 

As an aside, Scarlett is our number two contender for a girl's name if this baby is a girl... I'm trying to get it into the number one slot though!

 

 

 

Love the name Scarlett! 

[Scarlett]

I am not trying to make parents feel guilty either.  My hope is to help those who haven't actually divorced realize how hard of a road it is and to do everything in their power to NOT go down that road. 

 

Some parts of my life are sooooo much beter without my XH.  But for my son? I still feel sad for him about so much of it.  And for different reasons I feel sorry for my step son.  My son hates changing houses.....he would prefer to never go see his dad---or at least very little.  And it isn't because he doesn't like his dad it is because he likes being in his own house.  My ss hates that he can't be with both parents....when he is with his dad he misses his mom, when he is with his mom he misses his dad.  It is hard.  I really feel for all the kids of divorce.

 

 

OP I would like to apologize for derailing this thread...I sort of got it confused with another one asking about marital separation.  I realize you are already divorced and trying to work a good visitation schedule.

 

Personally, if all parents and step parents are involved and available for the child, I think a week on/week off is a great schedule.

[RanchGirl]

In general, I think the best situation is when the parents live near each other - walking distance.  School and friends and travel between the two is so much easier.  If you live a few minutes away it's no big deal to pick up or drop off when something important got left behind.  And if duplicates can't be purchased due to cost, I would give a lot of grace and help for stuff like a last-minute trip to drop off forgotten gym shoes.

 

You could also have a large plastic tote that contains everything school/activity related and transfers between the two houses.  Gym shoes, dance bag, etc. all stay in the tote instead of being placed in a drawer and forgotten until needed.  Unfortunately this might contribute to the child feeling like she's living out of suitcase.

 

The most interesting setup I have read about was a homebuilder who built a special duplex for him and his ex-wife.  The kids' rooms were in between and connected to both the mom's side and dad's side via hallway.  On Mom's week, her door to the hallway was open and Dad's was shut.  Vice versa the next week.  Each parent had their private living space, kitchen and garage.  It sounded brilliant.  I don't think they had any extra spouses or kids to deal with though.

[Scarlett]

In general, I think the best situation is when the parents live near each other - walking distance.  School and friends and travel between the two is so much easier.  If you live a few minutes away it's no big deal to pick up or drop off when something important got left behind.  And if duplicates can't be purchased due to cost, I would give a lot of grace and help for stuff like a last-minute trip to drop off forgotten gym shoes.

 

You could also have a large plastic tote that contains everything school/activity related and transfers between the two houses.  Gym shoes, dance bag, etc. all stay in the tote instead of being placed in a drawer and forgotten until needed.  Unfortunately this might contribute to the child feeling like she's living out of suitcase.

 

The most interesting setup I have read about was a homebuilder who built a special duplex for him and his ex-wife.  The kids' rooms were in between and connected to both the mom's side and dad's side via hallway.  On Mom's week, her door to the hallway was open and Dad's was shut.  Vice versa the next week.  Each parent had their private living space, kitchen and garage.  It sounded brilliant.  I don't think they had any extra spouses or kids to deal with though.

 

 

Everytime I hear of a situation like this I wonder why they couldn't just stay married if they got along so well!. But I agree it is a brilliant solution.

[amyx4]

Before I had kids, I worked with a man who had a week on/week off schedule. It worked because the parents lived near each other. I thought it was very sweet that the family dog travelled with the child during visitation. When the child went off to college the dog kept the same schedule. I always wondered how long the dog stayed on that schedule.

[texasmama]

A follow up question for Margaret (and all others) who have seen it and it's been disaster ... would you consider the parents organized normally?  I'm wondering if a lot of the problems is lack of communication, disorganized parents, something else?

 

Obviously we're trying to problem solve for the best situation for DD and as it is now it's working but it's a lot for her to remember.  (ie - On Wednesday mornings she has to take her gym shoes to the other house even though she won't need them until Thursday and then on Friday has to remember dance bag for Saturday.)  

 

Thinking aloud here ... I wonder if it would be helpful to just have to sets of everything that we can.  Dance shoes, tennis racket, gym bag, so on.  Obviously musical instrument will have to switch houses but then it will be at the same place all week.  Then on Sunday we can just switch her, her backpack, and instrument.  

It DID work well with my dd, but it was due to her having double everything, a complete wardrobe and set-up at both houses.  She took herself and her bookbag back and forth.  Everything else stayed at the houses.  Her dad and I are both organized people.

[aggieamy]

OP I would like to apologize for derailing this thread...I sort of got it confused with another one asking about marital separation.  I realize you are already divorced and trying to work a good visitation schedule.

 

Personally, if all parents and step parents are involved and available for the child, I think a week on/week off is a great schedule.

 

Just FYI - DD is my step-daughter and it's DH and his exDW that are divorced.  I know that's not really pertinent but I feel like I should put in a plug for involved divorced dads.  They divorced when DD was just a baby so this is the only life she's known and I know it's hard at time on her.  I am a strong proponent of working it out.