Mature content about marriage

[BYE]

You say, "it's my body, why should i Have to share it". but....you should want to, and that you don't is leading me to believe you need to talk to a therapist, not a doctor. Look at it this way. If you make a really lovely meal, or cake, do you think, "this is MY food, why should I have to share?" Or do you think, "my husband will LOVE this cake, it has his favorite frosting, I can't wait to share it with him!"  In a normal/healthy marriage you WANT to please your partner sexually. Instead it seems to have become a control issue for you, and that is what I think you need to explore. 

I know you are probably trying to be sweet, but this is not the same as cake. I share everything with my husband. I am very generous with everything, but my body is just not the same. This is the kind of sentiment that really upsets me and comes from the idea that my husbands sexual desires are the most important issue here. 

[LucyStoner]

Any doctor who didn't think that not having any libido was untreatable wouldn't be my doctor anymore. Women's sex drive is often overlooked or assumed to be naturally low. A lack of sex would and did really bother me. The various things I did to solve my problem were not "voodoo". Thinking of cures as pills or no pills isn't helpful. Lifestyle factors and therapy approaches aren't anything to overlook.

[DianeW88]

I'm sorry you're experiencing this.  I would get a physical exam to rule out any illnesses that could have low libido as collateral damage (diabetes, thyroid issues, undiagnosed coronary artery disease, etc.).  If you check out ok physically, then I would proceed to finding a therapist who can help you.  And honestly, it sounds like that is most likely the source of your problem.  And it is treatable.  You say that you don't want to find a way to want to have s*x...but if you want to save your marriage...I think that's what you're going to have to do.  I don't know many people who would agree to long term abstinence with their partner, or who eventually wouldn't resent that person for forcing them into a lifetime of celibacy.  I think you can't see yourself as enjoying s*x right now, because you're not there at the moment, but with the right kind of therapy...you could be.  And don't you think you at least owe that to your husband before you pass down a lifetime sentence of "no s*x"?  That's pretty harsh...if you care for him at all, you should be willing to do whatever you can so that you can have a loving, wonderful, complete relationship with him.  Believe it or not...it can be LOTS of fun. ;)

[BYE]

Since you've told your dh you're OK with him having a gf, have you considered the likelihood that he will fall in love with the gf? I guess some men are able to completely separate s3x from feelings, but I know my dh isn't like that, and the other men I've known well were not like that, either. If some girl falls for him enough to be willing to have s3x with him, isn't it likely they would fall in love? If not the first girl, then the next one? Or the next? If you are willing to take that risk, then maybe you really have marital issues, not s3x issues? 

 

I think a medical workup is a great first step, but a great therapist (or two or three . . . solo for you, marital for both, etc.) is likely the best chance for fixing this. If you want to fix it, then it will take a lot of bravery and perseverance from you. I would bet it can be done, but it won't be a quick fix. Be strong. You can do this!

 

FWIW, if you can afford it, then I think individual counseling for you (maybe each of you) PLUS a marriage therapist for you both together would be the best way to get going ASAP. If it isn't urgent, then start with individual counseling for you and add as needed over time . . . If it is urgent (someone is about to leave or there is other urgency), then I'd throw it all at the problem right away, though. 

 

Meanwhile, what about having FUN together? I think a physical healthy activity you do together is really good for all aspects of marriage. So is laughing out loud. Is there a hobby you did together or do together or one you can begin? Skiing? Hiking? Running? Swimming? Yoga? Karate? If there is anything like that you could do, I'd schedule it at least once a week, get a baby sitter for sure, and just make time to do it together for at least a couple hours every week. Also, watch very funny movies or TV shows or play very silly board games -- again, at least once a week, the two of you only. Making time and $$ for these things seems hard, but it will be much, much more expensive to support a girl friend (dates!! hotels!! flowers!!) or two households! Personally, I'd also make it a top priority that dad and you together are having fun times with the kids at activities you all enjoy, but that would not replace the fun times for the couple. Family and marriage come first . . . everything else would drop on the priority list.

Yes, I have considered that he would fall in love with someone else. And that is terrifying but when I am in the depths of my exhaustion over this issue then I am willing to try it. I just need a solution. 

[StephanieZ]

Yes, I have considered that he would fall in love with someone else. And that is terrifying but when I am in the depths of my exhaustion over this issue then I am willing to try it. I just need a solution. 

 

You need help! (((hugs))) Make an appt with a therapist right away, even while you haven't gotten in to your DR yet. You need support and help! Even if the DR finds stuff s/he can address, you can use support and help while dealing with this, as it has obviously hurt you and your dh deeply. 

 

Find an awesome therapist. Be sure to be up front in the first call about your issues, so you can find one that can help!

[Ipsey]

Yes, I have considered that he would fall in love with someone else. And that is terrifying but when I am in the depths of my exhaustion over this issue then I am willing to try it. I just need a solution. 

 

To be fair, I wouldn't necessarily suggest a girlfriend, but only a "professional" sexual surrogate, if such a thing could be managed. I wouldn't want a "girlfriend" situation for my husband either.

[Liz CA]

Many possible reasons...

 

1. Resentment (unresolved anger, bitterness, hurt, etc.)

2. Physical, constant discomfort - maybe stemming from something totally unrelated to this topic but can still cause general fatigue

3. Past experiences, trauma, if not first hand experiences, there is something called secondary trauma.

 

Just throwing these 3 out there. Don't be discouraged by some doctors not providing much help. Some doctors are not comfortable or knowledgable enough to help. Seek someone who is comfortable and with whom you are comfortable. Perhaps consider a female naturopath and a female counselor?

[stripe]

But there is no magic pill like Viagra for women.

Oh, I totally agree with you on that. And that does make it more complicated, but I'm not sure I'd say there's no treatment.

 

Also sometimes the problem may be an unskilled mate who needs to improve his technique, too, and there may not be a pill for that, but there is help.

[stripe]

I'm not aware of any treatment that would help me

I am sorry you are so frustrated. :hugs:

 

To be fair, I wouldn't necessarily suggest a girlfriend, but only a "professional" sexual surrogate, if such a thing could be managed. I wouldn't want a "girlfriend" situation for my husband either.

To be honest, that doesn't sound like a "surrogate" -- whose purpose I thought was to resolve some problem, or at least based on that woman whose memoir turned into a movie-- but more like another employed person who engages in intimate physical behavior for money without a relationship. Cough.

[Ipsey]

I am sorry you are so frustrated. :hugs:

 

To be honest, that doesn't sound like a "surrogate" -- whose purpose I thought was to resolve some problem, or at least based on that woman whose memoir turned into a movie-- but more like another employed person who engages in intimate physical behavior for money without a relationship. Cough.

Yep. 

 

I was being too euphemistic.

[Moxie]

I agree with SparkyUnicorn. Do go see a doctor if you can but don't have any hopes that a regular MD can help. This doesn't sound like a physical problem anyway. Do your research and find a good therapist. Maybe have your husband help you look? He sounds like a great guy. Stop with the girlfriend talk and focus your energy on your healing.

[ktgrok]

I know you are probably trying to be sweet, but this is not the same as cake. I share everything with my husband. I am very generous with everything, but my body is just not the same. This is the kind of sentiment that really upsets me and comes from the idea that my husbands sexual desires are the most important issue here. 

 

I'm sorry, I was trying to be helpful. I guess I don't understand why the body/sex is different. I was not thinking that his sexual desires are the most important thing...anymore than I think sharing cake with your husband makes his sugar cravings more important than anything else. It's not that he NEEDS sex, its that most people would enjoy and get fulfillment from sharing their bodies with their loved one....just like they get enjoyment from giving of other things. That you don't leads me to think that you need to explore why..you obviously are not selfish, given that you share everything else. So there must be some other reason you feel the need to be very protective of your body. 

 

Is sex enjoyable for you while actually doing it? Is sexual touching enjoyable if you do it by yourself? Is any of it painful at all? Disjusting? Fearful? Difficult? Do you feel manipulated in other areas? Do you feel a pressure to perform a certain way or do it "right"? Those are things a trained therapist could help with. 

[Mrs Mungo]

I know you are probably trying to be sweet, but this is not the same as cake. I share everything with my husband. I am very generous with everything, but my body is just not the same. This is the kind of sentiment that really upsets me and comes from the idea that my husbands sexual desires are the most important issue here.

Nobody is suggesting that they are the most important issue. I think people are saying that your reactions seem way outside the norm (weeping during a physical?), and that the most important thing is that you seek help for those issues.

 

I recently had a follow-up ultrasound with biopsies after a questionable breast scan. It is a teaching hospital, so there was one main doctor leading 2 other doctors (all 3 were male( through the procedure. How would you have reacted to that? The doctors commented on how relaxed I was, but I didn't imagine other women being so upset that they would cry.

 

And the other thing people are saying is that your husband's feelings are important and relevant, even if they aren't the most important thing.

[ELaurie]

Dr. David Schnarch, and his wife, Ruth Morehouse literally "wrote the book" used in many respected clinical training programs for therapists learning to work with intimacy and desire issues. Their website contains some helpful resources to get you started; they have also written several books for non-professional audiences, and they conduct weekend workshops for couples throughout the US, in Europe, and in Australia. If you're interested in reading further, begin with Passionate Desire. It's not for the faint of heart :ohmy: but it will offer hope and assure you that you and your dh are not alone in your struggles.

 

Kind regards to both of you,

[SadieMarie]

I echo the suggestions about therapy.  It does not sound like your dh is OK with the level of intimacy in your marriage.  And you doing something that you will resent to make him happy is not a solution either.  This is going to sound wacko but I am really serious, maybe pick up something like Shades of Grey and start reading.  Sometimes just spending sometime thinking about 3ex without feeling a lot of pressure can help.  

[Catwoman]

I remember at 18 getting ready to go to college. In school, I was given advice to get my first pap smear before I left home. I guess for cancers and just to make sure I was healthy. I bawled like a baby through the whole thing. It was so bad the doctor asked me if I has someone to come in and sit with me. I was alone though, my parents were at work. And there isn't a history of any kind of abuse. None at all. So as early as 18 I felt so sick that someone had touched me. 

 

Please don't take this the wrong way, but are you sure you're not repressing memories of abuse?

 

Your reaction to the doctor's visit was way over-the-top, and I think it's something you need to explore with a qualified, experienced therapist -- and I'm not a person who regularly recommends therapy. It really sounds like there is a reason in your past that has led you to have such an aversion to anything sexual, and maybe if you can figure out the cause of your issues, you can find a way to view your sexuality in a different way, or at least come to terms with why you feel the way you do about it.

 

I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time, and I hope you're able to find a way to make things work with your husband, as it sounds like you both love each other very much. 

[Scarlett]

The OP isn't describing low sex drive or an ebb and flow of life. She's describing an aversion to sex and negative thoughts about body autonomy that have persisted for most or even all of her adult life. She's also still quite young, only 30 years old. This doesn't sound like a lower than average sex drive, it sounds like a very unhealthy and atypical idea of sex and sexual relationships.

 

If you talk to a doctor who says there is no help, you have talked to the wrong doctor. The right medical professional can make a big difference in situations like this, the wrong one can make the patient feel isolated and hopeless.

Yes I agree it sounds much more like an aversion than low drive.

[Word Nerd]

You say in the OP that it's rare when you actually want to have sex--but at least rare isn't never. Is there anything in particular that makes those rare times different? Maybe you could start by thinking about the answer to that question. It does sound like you need counseling to help with anxiety.

[AlmiraGulch]

Yes, I agree. I think I do need to see a counselor. But I also have conflicting feelings about that because part of me says this is my body why do I have to share it? And please don't take that to mean that I want to whine about an issue but I don't want to fix it. I see my general doctor regularly but I don't talk to him about my libido. I know I need to start with seeking help. I really want to know though if I can't change this will my marriage survive? And I know that is dependent on my particular circumstances, but I just want to know if anyone has walked in these shoes and made it very far?

 

I haven't read all of the responses, so if this is a repeat then I'm just reinforcing what someone else has said.

 

To the bolded, I say you don't have to share it.  However, like I know some others have said (like LucyStoner) you are potentially depriving yourself of a beautiful part of marriage, and honestly it's likely unrealistic to think your husband will be live in a sexless marriage long-term, either.

 

You've already recognized that you think your ideas about it are skewed because of some earlier teachings.  So, if you know the cause, it's likely there can be a solution, if you're willing.

 

I'd also say that you have absolutely nothing to lose by going to see a sex therapist.  Either he/she will help you get through your anxiety and help you to be more comfortable sexually, or you'll realize that you don't want to be.  Regardless, what you're doing now is causing extreme disfunction for you, and it isn't working.  I gently suggest you try a different approach. Again, you have nothing to lose.  You still won't have to do anything you truly don't want to do.

[BYE]

Please don't take this the wrong way, but are you sure you're not repressing memories of abuse?

 

Your reaction to the doctor's visit was way over-the-top, and I think it's something you need to explore with a qualified, experienced therapist -- and I'm not a person who regularly recommends therapy. It really sounds like there is a reason in your past that has led you to have such an aversion to anything sexual, and maybe if you can figure out the cause of your issues, you can find a way to view your sexuality in a different way, or at least come to terms with why you feel the way you do about it.

 

I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time, and I hope you're able to find a way to make things work with your husband, as it sounds like you both love each other very much. 

 

A few posters have mentioned this and no this isn't the issue. There isn't any abuse, trauma, or assault in my history. I do agree that I believe it's an aversion and not low sex drive that another poster mentioned. But the aversion probably comes from so many places, not just one. 

 

And we do love each other very much, thank you so much. Thank you to everyone for being so kind and thoughtful. 

[stripe]

I just wanted to say about this comment

I think people are saying that your reactions seem way outside the norm (weeping during a physical?)

She said she cried during the pap smear. I think if she was inexperienced at the time of her first pap smear, it could well have been very embarrassing as well as particularly physically painful. I am not sure I find either to be very surprising. Some people are just very private, and some pap smears really hurt. Just like some people freak out about going to the dentist. I think the degree of her reaction may be on the far end of the spectrum, but isn't by itself unusual. I think the issues with the husband are more relevant, or any stress during pap smears now. Or if she feels the first pap smear experience was so upsetting that it influenced her private life with her husband.  But anyway.

[AlmiraGulch]

Ok fair enough.  Barring someone taking medication that they CAN stop taking, there is no treatment that I am aware of.  Saying stuff like there is hormone therapy is bologna.  There is no hormone therapy.  I asked my doctor, she told me there is nothing like that.  Yes, they sometimes give hormones for people in menopause, but I am not in menopause and it is likely that the OP is not either. 

 

People here have mentioned in the past there is treatment and to see their doctor.  When I asked them to tell me what the treatment is, NOBODY could tell me except some BLAH BLAH book or BLAH BLAH voodoo treatment.  People think doctors can treat this.  I suppose there is therapy if a person has been sexually traumatized or something like that.  But there is no magic pill like Viagra for women.

 

This just isn't entirely accurate.

 

A very close friend of mine had success with a medical doctor when it was discovered her testosterone level was extremely low.  Hormone therapy (testosterone) worked for her.  That said, it doesn't sound like the OPs issue is necessarily a physiological one, based on the tiny bit of history she has provided, but medical intervention can and does work for some women. 

 

Another friend has had extreme success with a certified sex therapist.  Actually, it's her husband who had sexual trauma and ingrained issues about sex and male/female relationships that they were able to address.  It took some time (several months) but things did improve.  In fact, I just saw her a couple of weeks ago and she told me things are definitely close to what she'd consider "normal" now.  Granted, she's the high sex drive partner in that relationship and I'm sure she'd like more, but he is much happier, actually initiates on occasion, and no longer has the anxiety about it that used to plague him.

[Mrs Mungo]

I just wanted to say about this comment

She said she cried during the pap smear. I think if she was inexperienced at the time of her first pap smear, it could well have been very embarrassing as well as particularly physically painful. I am not sure I find either to be very surprising. Some people are just very private, and some pap smears really hurt. Just like some people freak out about going to the dentist. I think the degree of her reaction may be on the far end of the spectrum, but isn't by itself unusual. I think the issues with the husband are more relevant, or any stress during pap smears now. Or if she feels the first pap smear experience was so upsetting that it influenced her private life with her husband. But anyway.

The fact that she brought it up implied that she felt they were connected. If she is even sometimes feeling that level of anxiety when it comes to intimacy with her dh, then that is way outside the norm. As far as determining whether she feels similar anxiety, I gave a scenario and asked how she would deal with that now.

[Mrs Mungo]

From what I understand, they don't prescribe stuff like testosterone for stuff like that too lightly. My doc said yes, sometimes they do, but they do under very extreme circumstances (stuff like older woman who went years with a low sex drive after surgery, cancer, etc.). Plus it's an off label prescription. Meaning it's not approved for that use (making it essentially experimental).

Except there is a lot of research on it, and it is a common use in other countries. I get that your doctor was against it, but that doesn't make it rare or inherently risky. I posted a medical article on it for those interested in pursuing it.

[Mrs Mungo]

DP

[VeteranMom]

You won't get any lectures from me...just empathy.  I didn't want s*x for a long period of mine and dh's marriage.  I knew at the time that it was something I should want and something dh needed, but the thought of it made me dread even being around him. I was ready to walk away from the marriage due to the extreme pressure I felt.  I now know that my issues were due to health problems.  I had vitamin deficiencies- B12 and D.  I now have to take B12 injections every couple of weeks due to not being able to absorb the vitamin through foods- the disease is pernicious anemia.  Also, my hormones were low due to perimenopause and I started taking bio-identicals.  A lot of things can cause low s*x drive and I'd encourage you to seek out medical care from a provider you know and trust.  This could be a symptom of something else going on with your body.    

[AlmiraGulch]

From what I understand, they don't prescribe stuff like testosterone for stuff like that too lightly.  My doc said yes, sometimes they do, but they do under very extreme circumstances (stuff like older woman who went years with a low sex drive after surgery, cancer, etc.).  Plus it's an off label prescription.  Meaning it's not approved for that use (making it essentially experimental). 

 

That could be true, of course.  I've never looked into it for myself so I don't know for sure.

 

I think sometimes it depends who you see, too.  Meaning, if you go to your regular OB/GYN they're less likely to go that route than one who actually specializes in sexual dysfunction.

 

That said, you're right...there is not magical Viagra-like pill for women, unfortunately.  From everything I've read it seems that the issues for sexual dysfunction in women are often more complex than for men.  Meaning, it could be chemical or physical (like cysts or growths in the vagina or on the ovaries) or psychological, so I'd think it takes longer to diagnose and come up with an accurate treatment plan.  I also think that many women might give up out of frustration before they find the right professional to help them.  

 

I do sincerely hope the OP seeks out all of the resources that might be able to help her.  Even if sex isn't your favorite thing, it shouldn't be intolerable.  No one should have to live like that, and everyone should at least have a fighting shot at a good sex life without barriers that were imposed that are beyond their control.

[Melissa in Australia]

I don't think it would kill my marriage, but I know for sure that it would change our relationship. I can't imagine being in a relationship where one partner has complete control, be it sexually, financially, or in any other way. We function as a team.

 

I am so very sorry that you are going through this.

 

 

 

:iagree:

[Mrs Mungo]

Maybe, except I personally believe this is BS. I think there are other reasons they supposedly can't figure it out. Who cares if women have a low sex drive. (yes being a bit snarky here)

I think some (most?) doctors just figure that is a normal state for some women and blow it off as a symptom of a bigger issue. I have personally had better luck with male doctors than female as far as them believing me when I tell them I have a problem. But, I also have an acquaintance male OB/GYN who seems like a real jerk. The way he talks about the women he sees makes me never want to go to the doctor again. I really hope my doctors don't think that way.

[AlmiraGulch]

Maybe, except I personally believe this is BS.  I think there are other reasons they supposedly can't figure it out.  Who cares if women have a low sex drive.  (yes being a bit snarky here)

 

Well, yeah....drug companies, profits, etc.   It is what it is today, though.  And even despite The Bigger Picture, there is help to be had.

[Melissa in Australia]

. Or, if it is legal in your place of residence, maybe try marijuana. Desperate times call for desperate measures, IMHO.

 

Good luck solving this. (((hugs)))

 

MJ can often lead to a very low sex drive with long term use.

[Liz CA]

Umm.. the more I read the more I am thinking there are physical boundary issues. You repeated that there is no trauma in your past, but could it be secondary trauma? Extreme (detrimentally false) teachings? Just to be clear: Differences in drive are normal. No two humans are alike. I am, however, sensing something different here than just a difference in drive.

I would encourage you to seek a female counselor.

[alef]

Well, it sounds like my issues are more minor than yours but I can suggest two small things that have helped at times when my interest and my husband's were way off balance (basically, pregnancy and breast feeding hormones seem to wreak havoc with my libido...) It would get so his frequent advances were driving me crazy--I hated refusing, I hated his unhappiness when I refused, I hated the fact that any moment of emotional or physical closeness got turned into a "can we have sex now" moment.

 

Two things helped: one, helping my husband understand that if he responded negatively when I refused an advance that felt to me like he was punishing me, which made me feel like my freedom over my own body was being encroached on. I needed to be able to say "no" without him going around moping for the next hour or even just making a sound or gesture of frustration. He tried to honor that wish.

 

The other thing that helped was to agree that, at times when I was struggling with this issue, he would try to avoid initializing anything. That way I didn't have to keep saying no. The flip side was that I would keep his needs in mind and would myself look for opportunities when I felt up to being intimate and I would make the first move. Psychologically, it makes a huge difference to me if I don't feel I have to be "on guard" against unwanted advances. It is way easier for me to choose to make advances myself at times when I feel most up to it.

[Liz CA]

I do wonder about this. People say you're missing out on something, but I dunno...people tell me I am missing out because I don't like fancy food (I am married to a foodie), but I've tried the stuff and it's just not for me. I really don't see why sex can't be the same way.

 

Also, why won't anyone write the word sex? That is weird and makes this thread hard to read.

 

Also, does viagra make men WANT to have sex, or just give them erections?

 

Don't answer these things if you don't want to, OP...but I wonder if you still have orgasms alone, and it's just the partnered sex you don't want? And, did you stop wanting sex after you felt "done" having children? I mean, it makes perfect, crystal-clear sense to me that (some) women would stop wanting to have sex when they stopped wanting children. That's actually a very handy thing, if you don't want more babies.

 

I feel for you, OP. I don't think your husband's wanting sex holds more water than your not wanting sex. That's kind of the nature of the beast, right? Sex together is something you have to do TOGETHER. Accomplishing anything in a relationship where one person wants to and the other does not is always difficult. Good luck, shoog.

 

We often avoid writing anything explicit because it can be googled by certain persons and then we find a lot of spam and trolls on the board. It's not because we are prudish in case you were thinking down that road...

 

[BYE]

I do wonder about this. People say you're missing out on something, but I dunno...people tell me I am missing out because I don't like fancy food (I am married to a foodie), but I've tried the stuff and it's just not for me. I really don't see why sex can't be the same way.

 

Also, why won't anyone write the word sex? That is weird and makes this thread hard to read.

 

Also, does viagra make men WANT to have sex, or just give them erections?

 

Don't answer these things if you don't want to, OP...but I wonder if you still have orgasms alone, and it's just the partnered sex you don't want? And, did you stop wanting sex after you felt "done" having children? I mean, it makes perfect, crystal-clear sense to me that (some) women would stop wanting to have sex when they stopped wanting children. That's actually a very handy thing, if you don't want more babies.

 

I feel for you, OP. I don't think your husband's wanting sex holds more water than your not wanting sex. That's kind of the nature of the beast, right? Sex together is something you have to do TOGETHER. Accomplishing anything in a relationship where one person wants to and the other does not is always difficult. Good luck, shoog.

I didn't write the word sex at first because I have read in many threads people changing the words. I didn't understand why, but I also didn't want to offend anyone. No orgasms alone or with partner. At first when I was younger and we were fairly new in our relationship, yes. But that stopped maybe after a month. The newness wore off so quick. I never "wanted" sex to have children, but like every other time, I did it. 

[Melissa in Australia]

You say, "it's my body, why should i Have to share it". but....you should want to, and that you don't is leading me to believe you need to talk to a therapist, not a doctor. Look at it this way. If you make a really lovely meal, or cake, do you think, "this is MY food, why should I have to share?" Or do you think, "my husband will LOVE this cake, it has his favorite frosting, I can't wait to share it with him!"  In a normal/healthy marriage you WANT to please your partner sexually. Instead it seems to have become a control issue for you, and that is what I think you need to explore. 

 

:iagree:

[Melissa in Australia]

Since you've told your dh you're OK with him having a gf, have you considered the likelihood that he will fall in love with the gf? I guess some men are able to completely separate s3x from feelings, but I know my dh isn't like that, and the other men I've known well were not like that, either. If some girl falls for him enough to be willing to have s3x with him, isn't it likely they would fall in love? If not the first girl, then the next one? Or the next? If you are willing to take that risk, then maybe you really have marital issues, not s3x issues? 

 

I think a medical workup is a great first step, but a great therapist (or two or three . . . solo for you, marital for both, etc.) is likely the best chance for fixing this. If you want to fix it, then it will take a lot of bravery and perseverance from you. I would bet it can be done, but it won't be a quick fix. Be strong. You can do this!

 

FWIW, if you can afford it, then I think individual counseling for you (maybe each of you) PLUS a marriage therapist for you both together would be the best way to get going ASAP. If it isn't urgent, then start with individual counseling for you and add as needed over time . . . If it is urgent (someone is about to leave or there is other urgency), then I'd throw it all at the problem right away, though. 

 

Meanwhile, what about having FUN together? I think a physical healthy activity you do together is really good for all aspects of marriage. So is laughing out loud. Is there a hobby you did together or do together or one you can begin? Skiing? Hiking? Running? Swimming? Yoga? Karate? If there is anything like that you could do, I'd schedule it at least once a week, get a baby sitter for sure, and just make time to do it together for at least a couple hours every week. Also, watch very funny movies or TV shows or play very silly board games -- again, at least once a week, the two of you only. Making time and $$ for these things seems hard, but it will be much, much more expensive to support a girl friend (dates!! hotels!! flowers!!) or two households! Personally, I'd also make it a top priority that dad and you together are having fun times with the kids at activities you all enjoy, but that would not replace the fun times for the couple. Family and marriage come first . . . everything else would drop on the priority list.

 

what great advice

 

[AlmiraGulch]

Yeah there is always help to be had.  If I become terrified of my left leg, I can cut it off (sounds crazy, but there are such problems).  Meaning I don't think the minuscule help is all that great.  This is not to say, don't try something.  I just think people need to be honest about the craptastic help out there.

 

But....NOOOOOO!!!!  There is tremendous help to be had, from the proper resources!    I think that many people think exactly what you do and give up.  This is what I do not want the OP to do.  There are some fantastic sex therapists out there that make tremendous differences in people's lives.  

[AlmiraGulch]

I feel for you, OP. I don't think your husband's wanting sex holds more water than your not wanting sex. That's kind of the nature of the beast, right? Sex together is something you have to do TOGETHER. Accomplishing anything in a relationship where one person wants to and the other does not is always difficult. Good luck, shoog.

 

I totally agree with that.  It COULD be that they just aren't a good match, sexually.  

 

My concern is that she clearly has some deep issues about her own sexuality, as she has already acknowledged.  I think she owes it to herself to find out if she can, with help, rid herself of the anxiety she has had to endure because of those early teachings, brainwashing, really.  

 

Once she gets that help, she may still not want it, but then she'll be making that decision from a healthy place and not one of fear and guilt.

[alef]

I didn't write the word sex at first because I have read in many threads people changing the words. I didn't understand why, but I also didn't want to offend anyone. No orgasms alone or with partner. At first when I was younger and we were fairly new in our relationship, yes. But that stopped maybe after a month. The newness wore off so quick. I never "wanted" sex to have children, but like every other time, I did it. 

 

I think no orgasms ever would make sex less than desirable to a lot of women. If I were in this situation I would be trying some new things, working together with dh to figure out what would make things work for me. I don't personally feel a need to O' every time, honestly it's not always worth the trouble to me--but I know we can get there when I am in the mood for it, and dh is always happy to oblige. I don't believe this is a status quo you just have to live with.

 

I do think a decent sex life is important for a happy marriage in the vast majority of cases. I think it is worth putting an effort into finding a way for that to happen for you. You're asking questions and seeking answers, and that's a good place to start.

[Miss Peregrine]

Time to get your huz some marijuana.

 

**This is a joke. I am not really advocating illegal activities if it is illegal for you. I repeat, this has been a joke.

This, coupled with your username is making me laugh.

 

OP, I have been there, too. My DH was not helpful or supportive about it. I'm glad you have that. :grouphug:

[BYE]

Well, it sounds like my issues are more minor than yours but I can suggest two small things that have helped at times when my interest and my husband's were way off balance (basically, pregnancy and breast feeding hormones seem to wreak havoc with my libido...) It would get so his frequent advances were driving me crazy--I hated refusing, I hated his unhappiness when I refused, I hated the fact that any moment of emotional or physical closeness got turned into a "can we have sex now" moment.

 

Two things helped: one, helping my husband understand that if he responded negatively when I refused an advance that felt to me like he was punishing me, which made me feel like my freedom over my own body was being encroached on. I needed to be able to say "no" without him going around moping for the next hour or even just making a sound or gesture of frustration. He tried to honor that wish.

 

The other thing that helped was to agree that, at times when I was struggling with this issue, he would try to avoid initializing anything. That way I didn't have to keep saying no. The flip side was that I would keep his needs in mind and would myself look for opportunities when I felt up to being intimate and I would make the first move. Psychologically, it makes a huge difference to me if I don't feel I have to be "on guard" against unwanted advances. It is way easier for me to choose to make advances myself at times when I feel most up to it.

This is really good advice, thank you. 

[BYE]

Everybody has given me great advice, thank you all!

[ktgrok]

When you say no orgasms alone...does that mean you have never been able to? Or just that you don't do it, because you don't care to? 

 

[Rosie_0801]

I didn't know that about melatonin. That's interesting. I've only been using it the last couple of months so it wouldn't explain all the other years, but it is something to consider for now. 

 

Melatonin is made, at the end of the day, by converting left over serotonin. Try looking into ways to boost your serotonin. Dietary changes may take months to make any difference, but if it works, it'll be worth it.

 

 

. This is the kind of sentiment that really upsets me and comes from the idea that my husbands sexual desires are the most important issue here. 

 

Try thinking of this as a point of honour with yourself, if you need to get this resolved without it feeling like oppression from your husband.

 

 

I do wonder about this. People say you're missing out on something, but I dunno...people tell me I am missing out because I don't like fancy food (I am married to a foodie), but I've tried the stuff and it's just not for me. I really don't see why sex can't be the same way.

 

Of course it can be, and it's called being asexual. Being asexual because you were born without that interest is different to being that way due to emotions like revulsion or fear. Marital duty aside, the OP should not spend the rest of her life carrying burdens like revulsion and fear if she doesn't have to for the same reason she shouldn't spend the rest of her life walking about with gravel in her sneakers or sleeping with toast crumbs in her sheets.

[stripe]

Also, does viagra make men WANT to have sex, or just give them erections?

I've heard some wives of men on it have found it offputting, the idea that the man takes a pill and is suddenly ALERT, which seems devoid of any romance, and I think that's partly why commercials (for it and other such medicines) now emphasize that it's somehow an extension of a mood, with all that dancing and winking and so forth, instead of making it so crass. I think there needs to be some desire on the part of the man.

 

There's quite a lot of info on "How Stuff Works"

http://www.howstuffworks.com/viagra.htm

(page 4 says that the man has to be aroused for it to work, and page 7 explains in more detail)

[mommymilkies]

I'm not sure how much I'm comfortable with putting out on the net, but I understand OP. I have an aversion that started with ppd and the amplified with SSRI usage, though. I've been off of SSRIs and on Wellbutrin for almost a year and it's not better. It's almost a physical revulsion. There have been many relationship issues that have created or charged this, though. Either way, I have sympathy for you. Especially with the feeling that you don't really choose. I also can't wear anything nice, put on makeup. Have a drink. Stretch, listen to music,ac Celt a back massage after a hard day with my bad sacral pain acting up...I feel almost cloistered from doing anything I like because then I am expected to do things that cause me a huge, huge, huge amount of anxiety.

[Laurie4b]

Yes, I'm going to get the all clear from the doctor and then see a therapist. 

 

I think that is very brave of you and I wish you the best.

 

[Pawz4me]

We often avoid writing anything explicit because it can be googled by certain persons and then we find a lot of spam and trolls on the board. It's not because we are prudish in case you were thinking down that road...

 

 

 

The general excuse is that it attracts unwanted traffic to the board.  I don't buy it.  I've seen spammers latch onto threads when people talk about getting their hair cut.

 

For years I co-moderated a pet message board where we had numerous members who were breeders.  The correct anatomical terms for sex organs and the correct term for female dogs were used consistently, as well as many other proper terms that would be replaced by silly euphemisms on this board.  We had very, very few problems with spammers.  So I do NOT buy that excuse.  Experience tells me it isn't accurate.

[Susan Wise Bauer]

Advice has been offered and received, and this thread is edging on TMI for a board open to every single English-speaking Internet user in the entire world (OK, maybe bar some parts of China), so take further discussion to PM, please.

 

SWB