Birthday Invite/Siblings WWYD?

[mom2bee]

I was the little girl who didn't care in the least to not be included in other peoples events if I didn't care for the person, so I don't find your younger DD's nonchalance odd or anything. If she doesn't have a problem with not being invited I wouldn't let her know that I was. Don't make your protective-parent problem, hers.

 

She seems to have a stable and intelligent disposition and if it isn't a party that she'd genuinely enjoy and a crowd that she really thrives with, why worry over the opportunity to NOT deal with the situation?

[Guest submarines]

At first, I felt sorry for her. She was only 5, she'd hang out by the fence looking into the yard pitifully anytime anyone- even just Dh- was outside. Her family life is chaotic. She was 5 and was outside alone- no siblings or other kids on the street at the time- for hours and hours. We have an awesome playset. Hers had been destroyed in a storm. I couldn't turn her away. We had just moved and my kids didn't have any other friends here either, and 5yr olds, even annoying ones, can't really be all that mean. Every time she'd do something, I'd tell DS she was practically a baby- not even in K- and he shouldn't let her get to him. She was never mean to my girls then but said things that made me raise an eyebrow and displayed poor judgement.

 

As she got older and more involved with PS and other activities, she got meaner and more disrespectful. As more kids move into the neighborhood, she's getting worse. It's like she's playing them all off each other. It's hard to disengage now. I still feel sorry for her too. It's hard to see her alone, staring sadly at our house if nobody else is available to play with. I wouldn't say her situation is neglectful, but it's sad, IMO. I think her mom may be working at home or studying or something and tells her to stay outside a lot. She looks so pitiful and sad when we have to send her away. See? Now I'm going all soft and thinking I should let her in the house more and be more hands on with them.

Pity is never a good relationship builder. 

[clarkacademy]

My kids won't associate with those kinds of people. Take the party out of the equation it would have nothing to do with my choice. I would pity any child who would decide to be mean to the youngest in this house because my olders would tear in to that!! My kids are all pretty close, friends are everyones friends not just a certain child. My kids would likely kill each other, but dare another to mess with a sibling. Maybe I got lucky here but my kids have all been raised to have each others backs so to speak. The child would have stopped being a friend to any of them the first time she got mean with one of them. I have kids age 16 down to 9 and a variety in and out of my house all the time and every kid who walks in this house knows right off the bat rudeness, bullying anything like that won't happen here.

 

That friendship would be over, I mean why would I want my kids to hang around crummy people? What good could they possibly learn from that?

[SKL]

I would not forbid my kids from playing with the neighbor, for a couple of reasons.  One, she's young and still learning how to be social.  Two, my kids need to learn how to deal with *all* kinds of people.  As long as it's just catty behavior and they are able to walk away from it every time, they can dip their toes in all they want.

 

However, the party is a different level of drama.

 

Just reading one mom's description of a little girl is not enough for me to judge whether I'd let any of my kids go to the party.  But I don't think I'd let my olders go if my younger was not invited, because that would mean bringing the mean girl drama into the walls of my own house (your girls will be talking after the party, showing the party favors, etc).  This you can and should avoid IMO.  If the mom says the little one is invited and *she* truly does not care to attend, then I'm not sure what I'd do.  Without knowing more, I'd probably let the kids choose in that case.

[katilac]

What is the best way to explain that some is NOT invited? Telling them honestly and to their face is better than any number of sideways and possibly more hurtful ways.

 

This is an honest question: What is a better way to explain to someone that they aren't invited?

 

Very simple: you put names on the invitation and either mail it or hand it to the mother privately. 

[Paige]

What is the best way to explain that some is NOT invited? Telling them honestly and to their face is better than any number of sideways and possibly more hurtful ways.

 

This is an honest question: What is a better way to explain to someone that they aren't invited?

Speaking to the person privately in advance to explain the situation and not throw it in her face publicly? Give it privately to those who are invited and not discuss it in front of those uninvited?

 

DD really likes all the other kids going and gets along well with all of them.

 

After sleeping on it and dreaming of Ethel from the Worst Witch all night, I'm not feeling so charitable as I was last night. I think none of the girls will go and that I may tell the little girl that the kids cannot play with her for at least a little while. Maybe we can try again in a few weeks with a higher level of supervision.

 

I think we will have to talk with her and her mother if we no longer allow the child to play with ours, but I don't want to ruin this kid's party. I kind of doubt the mom will care anyway.

 

Oh- I did find the envelope for the invite. It only has older DDs names on it. I can't tell if it is an adult or a child's handwriting, but the message is clear.

[Starr]

I have a friend that always sent the younger one. The kids were close in age and played with the same friends. She just assumed they would go together. lol  It worked.

[LMA]

Speaking to the person privately in advance to explain the situation and not throw it in her face publicly? Give it privately to those who are invited and not discuss it in front of those uninvited?

 

DD really likes all the other kids going and gets along well with all of them.

 

After sleeping on it and dreaming of Ethel from the Worst Witch all night, I'm not feeling so charitable as I was last night. I think none of the girls will go and that I may tell the little girl that the kids cannot play with her for at least a little while. Maybe we can try again in a few weeks with a higher level of supervision.

 

I think we will have to talk with her and her mother if we no longer allow the child to play with ours, but I don't want to ruin this kid's party. I kind of doubt the mom will care anyway.

 

Oh- I did find the envelope for the invite. It only has older DDs names on it. I can't tell if it is an adult or a child's handwriting, but the message is clear.

Honestly, telling the little girl that they can't play with her because the younger one wasn't invited is rude. Just decline the invitation and make your kids scarce for the next few weeks if you don't want your girls to play with her. I would keep it simple. I wouldn't contribute any more to the drama.

[kewb]

I am really not seeing the issue.  Your youngest wasn't invited.  An opportunity to teach that we can't all be invited to everything.  That's life. 

 

It is the other girls party and she gets to invite who she wants.  As the invited guest you get to choose if you are going to attend.  You can decline with grace "No, sorry, can not attend" or create drama "well, you didn't invite my youngest and I didn't think it was right or fair therefore no one can attend the party."

 

This is coming from someone who allowed her daughter to not invite 2 kids from the block to her birthday party because she really did not want them there.  I felt kind of guilty about it because it seemed incredibly rude.  My reality was that I could only handle 10 kids and with her school friends that meant not inviting some people.  My neighbors were pretty ticked at me for a long time.  That was there choice. 

[Word Nerd]

I am really not seeing the issue.  Your youngest wasn't invited.  An opportunity to teach that we can't all be invited to everything.  That's life. 

 

You really don't see any issue with a kid going up to a group of kids in the neighborhood, passing out invitations, and making a point to exclude one girl in front of all of the others and tell her that she isn't invited? 

[kitten18]

Speaking to the person privately in advance to explain the situation and not throw it in her face publicly? Give it privately to those who are invited and not discuss it in front of those uninvited?

 

DD really likes all the other kids going and gets along well with all of them.

 

After sleeping on it and dreaming of Ethel from the Worst Witch all night, I'm not feeling so charitable as I was last night. I think none of the girls will go and that I may tell the little girl that the kids cannot play with her for at least a little while. Maybe we can try again in a few weeks with a higher level of supervision.

 

I think we will have to talk with her and her mother if we no longer allow the child to play with ours, but I don't want to ruin this kid's party. I kind of doubt the mom will care anyway.

 

Oh- I did find the envelope for the invite. It only has older DDs names on it. I can't tell if it is an adult or a child's handwriting, but the message is clear.

I wouldn't send any of them and we would go do something fun instead.

 

 

 

About playing with her.  I would do some role-playing and give your DDs some words to use when she is mean.

"I don't like it when you do that"

"I don't like it when you're mean to her (little sister), if you're mean we're going home"

"That's mean, I don't like it when you say mean things"

"If you do that again, we're leaving"

 

 

If she came to me to tattle, I would say "If you don't like the way they are playing you should go home, maybe we'll see you tomorrow", smile and show her to the door. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

[kewb]

You really don't see any issue with a kid going up to a group of kids in the neighborhood, passing out invitations, and making a point to exclude one girl in front of all of the others and tell her that she isn't invited? 

That I have an issue with.  That is just plain rude.  Having dealt with my own neighborhood kid politics I have learned there is often more to the story then my kids have told me.  I have learned to go directly to the other parent to clarify things.

 

I do not have an issue with siblings not all being invited to the same thing.  That is life.  You do not get to be invited to everything.

[mom2bee]

I realize now that the face-to-face inclusion was done in a snubbing and cruel way, so thats definitely not cool. But just telling someone that they aren't invited doesn't automatically equate to "mean-girl" does it? Admittedly it takes a good deal of social grace and courtesy to inform someone that they aren't invited without it being cruel, but I still don't see the issue of not-inviting someone as inherently mean. I would rather be told to my face than snubbed or told in a side ways manner later on. I'd especially like to know up front if many of my friends would be there.

 

Very simple: you put names on the invitation and either mail it or hand it to the mother privately. 

I don't see that as being 'better' per se than telling someone point blank that they aren't invited to said event. I think how you take either scenario is a personality thing.

 

Speaking to the person privately in advance to explain the situation and not throw it in her face publicly? Give it privately to those who are invited and not discuss it in front of those uninvited?

You would still need to speak to the persons face to explain the situation. My confusion came from someone expressing upset at the younger DD being told to her face that she wasn't invited. Telling someone something to their face, and throwing that same info in their face at two different things and I don't think that the latter is cool at all.

 

You really don't see any issue with a kid going up to a group of kids in the neighborhood, passing out invitations, and making a point to exclude one girl in front of all of the others and tell her that she isn't invited? 

Well if thats what happened, then I think the issue is less one of who is on the guest list and what a snooty, ill-mannered little beast the host is behaving like.

[Paige]

You really don't see any issue with a kid going up to a group of kids in the neighborhood, passing out invitations, and making a point to exclude one girl in front of all of the others and tell her that she isn't invited?

I agree. It's not that she was not invited. It's also the extremely cruel way it was handled. It's also sort of the last straw with me and coming on the tail of a couple other very recent incidents.

 

They are free to invite who they want- of course. We are free to decide this is not an invitation we wish to accept and that the relationships the children have is unhealthy and not one we wish to continue.

 

FWIW-I do know what was said because I could hear them talking.

[Orthodox6]

I would say we weren't available and take my family out for dinner to avoid the party altogether. The way your neighbor handled the " invitation" and simultaneous rejection of your youngest while she was standing there was terrible and tactless. Yes, she can invite whomever she wants to, but to tell your little dd she is not invited to her face would make me see red.

 

This approach punishes the older children without cause.

 

The youngest child has been described as relaxed about the matter.  Her mother, however, is struggling hard.  I can understand her position to some extent.  I hope she can screen her personal feelings from the little girl, lest she (child) start imagining things, or start growing a negative attitude.

 

I am not ignoring, by the way, that the other family's child sounds like a real pill.

[SKL]

I have two daughters, ages 6 & 7.  They have little cousins age 2 & 3.  The cousins constantly talk about how much they want to see Miss A but never mention Miss E.  (Neither of my kids has ever been unpleasant to the cousins, but Miss A apparently has a more magnetic personality.  ;)  )  I hear this, but I never tell my kids that the cousins mention one and not the other.  My sister, however, is kind of a doof about this and she'll say it over and over in front of my kids.  It's unnecessary and hurtful.  (I let it go because bringing it up would create more drama, but I can see how my kids struggle to deal with being marginalized, even unintentionally.)

 

I don't expect a primary school kid to fully understand that.  But I can totally understand a mom of primary girls not wanting her kid to have this sort of thing in her face.

 

My kids are in the same class and do everything together, so I would always decline a social invitation sent to only one daughter.  It's not that I think everyone else is obligated to put up with all of my kids.  It's a matter of me respecting the sensitivities of my kids.  A birthday party invitation is not worth that kind of hurt in my opinion.  Of course if it was because one of my daughters was unkind or something, it would be a different matter.

[Tap]

We are in a similar situation right now for dd7s birthday.  I appreciate the reminder to be purposeful in our invites. We decided to use the common classroom etiquette of 'invite all the group or less than half'.  We are keeping dd's birthday small, but I would be happy to include 5 of the 7+ neighborhood girls.  Inviting the core 5 specifically leaves 2 out that are in her group.  Instead, we are only inviting 3 and are just inviting the ones who are closest to our daughter.  It saves this type of situation and hopefully will avoid some hurt feelings.  

 

Thanks again for bringing this topic up, the reminder was timely for me. :0)

[Χά�ων]

I am planning DS's birthday party. The place he requested allows 10 kids including the birthday child and wants $20/kid beyond 10. At $20 a kid siblings are not invited. Nothing personal, my budget is not large enough to include friends and siblings especially when almost all of his friends have 1-3 siblings. If siblings are included 2 friends will bring an extra 3 kids and makes up half the group right there. Yes, DS and his friend and siblings all play together, yes they are on good terms but when it comes down to it the friendships are based on DS and one sibling. Remove the sibling DS is closest to and the friendship would not hold and never would have taken off.

 

I will admit that if a parent had asked me if sibling wanted to come and was willing to cover the additional cost, I would not have a problem with it. Insisting I include siblings on my dime or at the expense of DS inviting another friend and using the invited child as leverag is going to result in your child not being invited again and stress on the friendship.

[ThisIsTheDay]

I am planning DS's birthday party. The place he requested allows 10 kids including the birthday child and wants $20/kid beyond 10. At $20 a kid siblings are not invited.

 

 

So if your ds was in 2nd grade, and played with a neighborhood family who had one 1st grader and two fourth graders, you'd be okay with inviting the 4th graders but not the first grader?  That's where the OP is coming from.

 

It has little to do with inviting siblings.  The issue is the way the birthday girl made it rudely clear that the one child closest in age to her was NOT invited.  She has a history of being a difficult playmate and a poor influence on the children in the family.

[Χά�ων]

So if your ds was in 2nd grade, and played with a neighborhood family who had one 1st grader and two fourth graders, you'd be okay with inviting the 4th graders but not the first grader? That's where the OP is coming from.

 

It has little to do with inviting siblings. The issue is the way the birthday girl made it rudely clear that the one child closest in age to her was NOT invited. She has a history of being a difficult playmate and a poor influence on the children in the family.

I am not commenting on the childs behavior, she may not know how to handle the situation or she may just be rude. But yes, if DS wanted to only invite one sibling, yes I would support that.

 

Teaching him to gracefully not invite siblings is a skill that has to be taught. Would I ecourage him to be mean and nasty? No. the OP seems to take issue with the parenting of the neighbor girl. That is another issue.

[StephanieZ]

Given the close ages of your youngest and the birthday girl, and the other details, I would definitely not allow any of my kids to go. For neighborhood harmony, I wouldn't want to make an obvious issue, so I would seek out an excuse to have some other very fun family activity away from home that evening. In fact, I'd skip a school day the next day if needed to make it plausible.

 

Take them all to an overnight in a nearby city to go to a cool kids' museum and hotel pool. Or find a play or something that's in town that night. Or go visit grandparents. Whatever.

 

I would never allow my young children to participate in something like that which seems designed to hurt your little one in such a callous way.

 

If it were a matter of your youngest being younger than all the kids, or some other obvious not-hurtful explanation, then that would be different.

 

But to have an event, invite two out of your three girls, with the only plausible explanation being that she doesn't like your little one as well? No way, no how. That would be the end of my kids socializing with that family. Ever. That is just mean and is using the party to bully and exclude. Not flying in my family. I'd try to be discreet about the decision since you are neighbors.

 

If for some reason you do let your older girls go, I'd be certain to do some insane fun thing with your little one that day the entire time. I would not tell the big girls ahead of time, but they'd find out afterwards that they missed the best fun ever. And little one would not have time to feel sad or left out because she'd be too busy having a blast. Go for a horseback trail ride somewhere, then out to a movie, then get mani-pedis, pizza parlor, icecream, etc. That kind of outrageous, off budget revelry. Heck, if my older two were thoughtless enough to want to go given the circumstance, I'd take the funding for the DayofFun out of the holiday gift budget for the two mean girls I was sad to be raising! Heck, I might make sure to be home late, with the big girls stuck with a babysitter for a couple hours till we got home!

 

I know that is harsh . . . But, I am just appalled to think of allowing such meanness, and if my kids participated in it, I would be profoundly disappointed.

[Paige]

I am not commenting on the childs behavior, she may not know how to handle the situation or she may just be rude. But yes, if DS wanted to only invite one sibling, yes I would support that.

Would you still support it if this was just a cake and ice cream party at home with plans for the kids to run around and play outside like every other day? Only, instead of like every other day, you tell one sibling that lives next door and could see the party from her kitchen window that, today, she can't come over since it is a birthday party? Even if 3/4 of the kids who will be at the party also live in the neighborhood and the sibling is a well integrated member of the typical group? Just wondering...cause IMO, that's way different than a pricey small party that you pay for per person at a party place.

[Χά�ων]

Would you still support it if this was just a cake and ice cream party at home with plans for the kids to run around and play outside like every other day? Only, instead of like every other day, you tell one sibling that lives next door and could see the party from her kitchen window that, today, she can't come over since it is a birthday party? Even if 3/4 of the kids who will be at the party also live in the neighborhood and the sibling is a well integrated member of the typical group? Just wondering...cause IMO, that's way different than a pricey small party that you pay for per person at a party place.

Yes, I would still support him in his friend choices. Cake and ice cream are not free. Then there is the added work of setting up and cleaning up after.

[MomatHWTK]

Honestly, I probably would have nipped the relationships in the bud a long time ago based on what you've posted here.  I would also hope that my kids would turn down the invitation on their own.  I get that kids can go to different parties, but the dynamics of this particular situation are just off and I would really hope my kids would recognize that. 

 

At this point, in the OP's situation the party itself would be less of an issue than working on a long term exit strategy from the relationship.  Are the shy 4th graders going to learn any positive social skills from this relationship?

[SKL]

If my kid does not like the girl next door, then no, I do not require her to invite the girl next door to her birthday party.  Was that the question?

 

A birthday party is supposed to be a happy time for the birthday girl.  There are 364 other days to focus on her social shortcomings.

[kitten18]

Yes, I would still support him in his friend choices. Cake and ice cream are not free. Then there is the added work of setting up and cleaning up after.

Really???

[Catwoman]

Yes, I would still support him in his friend choices. Cake and ice cream are not free. Then there is the added work of setting up and cleaning up after.

I don't think that was Paige's point at all. I think she meant that the only difference between the party and every single other day when the kids play out in the yard together is that this time there will be a cake.

 

And do you honestly think one little first grader is going to create any added expense or extra work at this particular party as Paige has described it? :confused:

 

I don't think a child should be required to invite everyone she knows to her birthday party, but this kid not only failed to invite a child with whom she plays on a daily basis, she made a specific point to try to hurt her feelings by telling her, in front of other children, that she was not invited to the party but that the other children were invited.

 

That's just plain mean and rude.

[Joanne]

I think you've been passive - possibly passive/aggressive in your response to this family and the party giver. Your emotional resources for responding to this family has been depleted, and you are "using" the party/invite situation as a vehicle to drive several issues.

 

This is really not a productive way to move forward in a healthy manner.

 

The truth is that many kids do not enjoy the company of significantly younger children. In context, they often "tolerate" the company of siblings because that is how it plays out in neighborhood dynamics and play. But for an invite only event, the party giver is well within their rights to issue invites to people they enjoy being with. When we moved (back) to Texas, my 3 kids played in the neighborhood with the neighbor kids. My youngest was 4 and was excluded from a birthday party because the party giver did not like him. I understood, allowed the other 2 kids to attend. They are now ranging from nearly 15 to 19 and the party giver more than "tolerates" the youngest. But she's older and more mature and he's less annoying.

 

I think that you need to find a way to healthfully deal with your perception of this child and the family and perhaps consider that your passive response up to this point has colored your reaction to the party.

 

[SKL]

I don't think a child should be required to invite everyone she knows to her birthday party, but this kid not only failed to invite a child with whom she plays on a daily basis, she made a specific point to try to hurt her feelings by telling her, in front of other children, that she was not invited to the party but that the other children were invited.

 

That's just plain mean and rude.

 

Right.  That's why people are saying the family should decline the invitation.  No drama necessary.  If the host mom has any sense, she will realize a message is being sent.

 

It almost sounds like some people want the hosts to be compelled to invite the little girl.  Never.  That's not how it works.

[kitten18]

I think you've been passive - possibly passive/aggressive in your response to this family and the party giver. Your emotional resources for responding to this family has been depleted, and you are "using" the party/invite situation as a vehicle to drive several issues.

 

This is really not a productive way to move forward in a healthy manner.

 

The truth is that many kids do not enjoy the company of significantly younger children. In context, they often "tolerate" the company of siblings because that is how it plays out in neighborhood dynamics and play. But for an invite only event, the party giver is well within their rights to issue invites to people they enjoy being with. When we moved (back) to Texas, my 3 kids played in the neighborhood with the neighbor kids. My youngest was 4 and was excluded from a birthday party because the party giver did not like him. I understood, allowed the other 2 kids to attend. They are now ranging from nearly 15 to 19 and the party giver more than "tolerates" the youngest. But she's older and more mature and he's less annoying.

 

I think that you need to find a way to healthfully deal with your perception of this child and the family and perhaps consider that your passive response up to this point has colored your reaction to the party.

The birthday girl is in 2nd grade and girl not invited is in 1st grade.

[SKL]

I am not in favor of any solution that involves making a second-grader miserable on her birthday.  She has a lot to learn, yes.  But adults need to act like adults and let this child just be a child on that day.  Go somewhere else on the birthday and deal with the mean girl stuff another time.

[Guest submarines]

I am not in favor of any solution that involves making a second-grader miserable on her birthday.  She has a lot to learn, yes.  But adults need to act like adults and let this child just be a child on that day.  Go somewhere else on the birthday and deal with the mean girl stuff another time.

Is anyone suggesting making the 2nd grader on her birthday? 

[Guest submarines]

I think you've been passive - possibly passive/aggressive in your response to this family and the party giver. Your emotional resources for responding to this family has been depleted, and you are "using" the party/invite situation as a vehicle to drive several issues.

 

This is really not a productive way to move forward in a healthy manner.

 

The truth is that many kids do not enjoy the company of significantly younger children. In context, they often "tolerate" the company of siblings because that is how it plays out in neighborhood dynamics and play. But for an invite only event, the party giver is well within their rights to issue invites to people they enjoy being with. When we moved (back) to Texas, my 3 kids played in the neighborhood with the neighbor kids. My youngest was 4 and was excluded from a birthday party because the party giver did not like him. I understood, allowed the other 2 kids to attend. They are now ranging from nearly 15 to 19 and the party giver more than "tolerates" the youngest. But she's older and more mature and he's less annoying.

 

I think that you need to find a way to healthfully deal with your perception of this child and the family and perhaps consider that your passive response up to this point has colored your reaction to the party.

 

I think you've missed the point.

[SKL]

Is anyone suggesting making the 2nd grader on her birthday? 

 

I don't know, the tone in some posts gives me that impression.

[Catwoman]

The birthday girl is in 2nd grade and girl not invited is in 1st grade.

And according to Paige, many of the other party guests will be in 1st grade, as well.

 

Paige's older dds are in 4th grade.

[Freckles]

This is a hill I would have died on when my kids were younger. Now, this stuff happens all the time. I've learned girls are fickle. The neighborhood kids like one dd better than the other depending on the day. I wouldn't expect a second grader to have perfected social graces. I would let the older girls go if your younger daughter truly doesn't mind. If she is upset, that is another story. Good luck! I hate neighborhood drama. I've learned to step away.

[Χά�ων]

Really???

Yes, Really. In fact I have the opposite problem, DS planned to include siblings in his invite. He would have only been able to invite 4 of his friends because the other 6 slots would be filled with siblings. I had to explain that it is a party for him and his friends, not his friends and their siblings. The parents understand that while DS will happily play with and include the siblings that a party invite will not be extended. And in DS's case he is closer in age to some of the siblings than the friends. It is a personality thing and his personality is a better match with the older child than the child closest in age.

 

 

 

 

I don't think that was Paige's point at all. I think she meant that the only difference between the party and every single other day when the kids play out in the yard together is that this time there will be a cake.

 

And do you honestly think one little first grader is going to create any added expense or extra work at this particular party as Paige has described it? :confused:

 

I don't think a child should be required to invite everyone she knows to her birthday party, but this kid not only failed to invite a child with whom she plays on a daily basis, she made a specific point to try to hurt her feelings by telling her, in front of other children, that she was not invited to the party but that the other children were invited.

 

That's just plain mean and rude.

The child isn't socially perfect like many other 2nd graders and even some adults, that is not the end of the world. I am amazed that people are so freaked out by a child's lack of social graces and an excluded younger sibling. A child is just learning. This is not a grown women who should know better and doing this type of thing. Really people, it is not the end of the world. I am shocked more people here haven't encountered this before.

 

And yes, it is more work. It might be more money if the family has planned to buy a cake based on how many it feeds and adding a child means less cake or a larger cake has to be purchased. Yes, it is one more plate to clean up and another child to keep tabs on. 

[Starr]

I find it so interesting how we all imagine our own kids parties and who we want them to invite. :D This sounds like a neighborhood event that one child is being left out of, not a party for a very few special friends. 

[Χά�ων]

I am really amazed by this thread. One of the biggest advantages of homeschooling is that children are not confined with peers who fall within a certain age range. Homeschooled children are able to form friendships based on interests and have more expose to others of all ages. The basis for people being upset on this thread is that a closer in age child is not invited while the older siblings are and *gasp* a 2nd grader is rude. The uninvited child doesn't seem to mind, it sounds like she is more mature than many adults on here who are freaking out about it.

 

Probably a good thing that that our children are not friends IRL. I would hate for DS to be crushed by losing a friend because I did not invite all a friends siblings and he may display less than perfect social skills as he learns how to navigate the world of social situations. I am glad that his friends parents get it.

[unsinkable]

nm

Edited November 9, 2013 by Moderator
Not helpful

[Haiku]

Like it or not, social gatherings for birthdays are a big deal to young people, and when a child who is part of the regular crowd is excluded, it can be very hurtful for that child. I'm surprised that people would think it's a good message to send to their kids to "invite whomever you want, and if so-and-so's feelings are hurt, not your problem."

[momma2three]

I'm just shocked that so many people are taking at face value what a 7 year old said, without clarifying it through her mother first. 

[bettyandbob]

I personally view venue parties differently. They cost quite a bit more. But I would allow a child to not invite siblings in most circumstances for a home party as well. There are numerous circumstances where the one or two dc from my family would attend a party, but not this. And when a family member receives an invite, we never assume "everyone can come.".

 

The circumstances described are such that I would not have any of my dc attend.

 

1. at 7 (second grade) the birthday girl made a conscious decision to publicly humiliate the first grader.

2. My dc are not going to learn that behavior is to be condoned. And it certainly will not be supported to the detriment of a their own sibling.

 

 

I think if I were the mom of the kid who wanted to invite some siblings, but not all, I would hand deliver the invitation directly to the other mom, so she could decide how she wanted to handle it before involving the kids. Additionally, the few times I've had parties, I have extensively coached my dc not to talk about them in groups that do not include all who are invited. That's just rude. I know kids slip up, but from what the OP described the child purposely chose to pass invitations in a group that did not include all and made an attempt to publicly embarrass. So, not cool in my book

 

 

[bettyandbob]

I'm just shocked that so many people are taking at face value what a 7 year old said, without clarifying it through her mother first. 

 

 

Does it matter it the mom told the 7 year old to include all three siblings? The kid consciously told a child only one year younger she wasn't invited in front of the group. So, all the invitees know the first grader is not supposed to be at the party no matter what the mom might have intended.

 

In my opinion families stick up for each other and if someone is trying publicly humiliate a younger sibling my older kids better not support the activity.

 

Private invitations could have been made to avoid all of this.

[Alice]

Does it matter it the mom told the 7 year old to include all three siblings? The kid consciously told a child only one year younger she wasn't invited in front of the group. So, all the invitees know the first grader is not supposed to be at the party no matter what the mom might have intended.

 

In my opinion families stick up for each other and if someone is trying publicly humiliate a younger sibling my older kids better not support the activity.

 

Private invitations could have been made to avoid all of this.

 

I’m equally surprised by the number of people who are so quick to label a kid a “mean girl†based on one incident. It sounds like the OP has had other issues with the family and that makes her decision different than what others might do, but for the rest of us...I see a lot of people piling on to call this girl mean and “trying to publicly humilate†and suggesting that she should be avoided from now on based on this one incident. That seems extreme to me as a reaction to a young child’s thoughlessness.

 

Based on solely a kid inviting two siblings and not one...I’d say the kid is thoughtless, inconsiderate and was wrong. I’d also say she’s only 7 (or 8). I’ll admit that my kids can be mean and sometimes rude. They are kids. They make mistakes. I’d try and extend grace to a 2nd grader instead of branding her as a mean girl and I’d hope other people would extend grace to my kids. As a Mom of a kid who has been hurt it might be hard to have that perspective, and I get that. But the OPs dd sounded like she wasn’t that upset. The more info that was given it seems more obvious that there is history with this girl and family that might have more to do with the OPs feelings that anything else. I don’t blame the OP for being upset for her dd. I do think others may have over-reacted in their response to the girl. 

 

And I do think it matters what the other Mom said or knows. It changes the situation and potentially the neighbor relationship and as the other Mom, if it was me, I’d appreciate knowing. Maybe she would talk to her daughter about her behavior/the situation. 

 

Bottom line, our kids are going to both do mean things and have mean things done to them as they grow up. I think as parents it’s more important how we teach them to as forgiveness or learn from their mistakes or how to react to the mean things done to them than that we try and completely protect them. It sounds like the OP has already done a good job of doing that if her daughter wasn’t that upset by the situation. 

[momma2three]

Does it matter it the mom told the 7 year old to include all three siblings? The kid consciously told a child only one year younger she wasn't invited in front of the group. So, all the invitees know the first grader is not supposed to be at the party no matter what the mom might have intended.

 

In my opinion families stick up for each other and if someone is trying publicly humiliate a younger sibling my older kids better not support the activity.

 

Private invitations could have been made to avoid all of this.

 

Of course it matters.  7 year olds are still firmly in the "Day 1: You're my best friend!  Day 2: I hate you and you can't come to my birthday party!  Day 3: You're my best friend!" age range of elementary school social drama.  It's not okay, and they should be taught it's not okay.

 

And if I were the mother, of course I would want to know about it, and I would apologize for my child, and say that of course all three children are invited, and then I would privately talk to my child about how we treat other people.  And hopefully, that's exactly what happens.

 

And if the mother shrugs, and says that the kid isn't invited, then I'd consider the whole family really rude and not let any of my kids go.  This isn't a case of inviting a much-younger sibling, it sounds like all these kids are playmates.

 

I can't believe this thread has been going on for 2 pages with everyone taking something nasty a 7 year old said at face value.  Is this sort of thing not totally normal bratty 7 year old behavior, that even non-bratty kids sometimes engage in?

[Catwoman]

I find it so interesting how we all imagine our own kids parties and who we want them to invite. :D This sounds like a neighborhood event that one child is being left out of, not a party for a very few special friends.

 

That's how I interpreted it, as well.

[bettyandbob]

The thing is the 7 year old made it clear in front of a group of invitees.

 

From how I read some responders, some people would speak to the mom and then if the mom says "Oh, all three are invited", proceed to send all three kids to the party. No way am I sending a 6 year old to a party to have the 7 year old say "why are you here" and then have a group of others say "yeah, you weren't invited." No way. It doesn't matter if the mom had intended for the younger child to be invited, the 7 year old expressed dislike and let everyone else in the gang know.

 

You may view 7 year olds as little girls, but my dd is 16 and my ds is 19, I watched this girl crap start in preschool and by elementary school it is in the vast majority of cases intentional. And the OP has stated other problems with manipulative behavior by this 7 year old, so this isn't about a mistake and extending grace. This is this 7 year old's pattern in her interactions.

[AlmiraGulch]

Generally speaking, I believe that kids should be able to invite who they want to invite to a party.  

 

But in this case, it isn't as if the birthday girl isn't friends with the one who is being excluded, or that there is a large age discrepancy.  Sorry, but in this case none of my kids would be going.  I would not let my own child sit at home while her sisters attended the party of a MUTUAL friend.  I'd be very up front with all three about why the invitation would be declined, and then I'd take the three of them to do something special on that day so they wouldn't have to sit there and bear witness to everyone playing outside.

 

I don't like that the birthday girl apparently deliberately hurt the feelings of the OP's youngest daughter.  She's just a little kid, but she knew what she was doing.  That said, she's just a little kid, so I wouldn't vilify her for it.  I'd just remove my kids from the party situation, period, and not play into the 7 or 8-year-old power trip.  No big deal.  Back to playing outside as normal the next day.

[Haiku]

We have a mean girl living next door to us. My kids used to play with her and weren't too bothered by her behavior even though they would comment on it. As they got older they started being more bothered by it, and by the time they were 9 or 10 they'd started to avoid her. She will occasionally come to our porch and talk to the kids when they're outside and although she's not mean to them any more, her chatter makes it clear she is desperate to look cooler than they are. I can't even remember the last time my kids played with her. Even her pool is no longer enough of a draw to get them over there. OP, eventually your kids may lose interest in this girl. It will probably accelerate the process if you make them less available for play.