Did you set 'ground rules' before you were married?

[Murphy101]

Hahaha.

 

We had one pre marriage session with the southern baptist minister who married us. (He also married my husbands parents and grandparents.)

 

He spoke to me at length, about 30 minutes, about being a good wife. Supportive, a haven after a long at work, making a house a home, Blahblahblah.

 

Then he turned to future dh and was explaining to him how a woman has periods in her life when a man just needs to let her be. (*me looking puzzled*) Just give her some space during those periods. (*me looking at dh to see if he knows wth this guy is talking about*) Be extra kind during those times and understand dinner might be long and her temper will be short. But those periods don't last forever (*holy crap?! Is he actually talking about PMfreakingS?!*) and before you know it, you'll have your happy wife back again. (*OMG. He IS talking about my period!*) Blahblahblah chocolate Blahblahblah when you're 21 maybe some wine blahblahblah maybe order a pizza Do you think you can handle that?

Dh - uh. Yeah. I've got that down already. We've been together for 2 years so I know how to handle her during those uh times.

 

My internal screaming -> *wait! What the blue blazes?! Where is the 30 minute lecture about how to be a dutiful husband?!*

 

We still laugh about it. I'm still mildly mortified and my dh still laughed that it was d@mn good advice he still uses.

[Rubix]

We did, we talked about many things.  Much of it was related to children, homeschooling, things we would/could not handle in a marriage, etc.  This wasn't a written, official thing, but we both knew clearly where the other was coming from, what our ideas and plans were for our life. 

 

In my case though, it hasn't helped much.  My DH is a kind of guy that agrees to things, and genuinely intends to live a certain way, but in the heat of the moment will change his stance to whatever best suits his needs or wants.  He is impulsive in some of these ways and doesn't understand why I still feel the same ways I did.  He changed his mind (or his actions in some circumstances) on many of the things we talked about - # of children, homeschooling, viewing porn, and the amount of time I work vs stay at home.  I guess the one way that laying these thoughts out before we married has helped is that when these things have come up, and threatened or turned into an argument, I can say that this isn't a surprise to him, we talked about this at length, agreed to these things, and that is why I feel the way I do.  For the most part, after much discussion, we have stuck with the principles we set out.  However, laying them out ahead of time didn't stop it from being an "issue" in our life....but I think it gave me the high ground I needed to "win" or have things be mostly the way we had planned. 

[NicAnn]

There were no rules, but we talked about everything we could think would come up and our views on it. I think it served us well to have those discussions.

[Trish]

We discussed values, yes. Ground rules, no.

 

If something's not working out, can  you really fall back on a ground rule to insist on having your way? On the other hand if it's big enough to be a "value," then it needs to be respected.

[Guest inoubliable]

Rules? No. 
Goals and dreams? Yes. 

We lived together for a little over a year before getting married. We knew each other well and knew what each wanted out of life. Almost a dozen years later and we're still good. 

[Lady Florida.]

With that said, we did establish early on that when we got into an argument, we weren't allowed to walk out or leave. But I think that has to do more with being a good communicator and letting your spouse know what you need.

 

We didn't discuss this before hand, and I used to get even more angry than I already was when dh did this. We finally had a discussion about it and he said he sometimes needs to walk away in order to think about the situation. We worked it out that as long as he lets me know he needs to do this, it's fine. Now I don't see it as him walking away, but as him taking the time to consider what we're arguing about.

 

We discussed values, yes. Ground rules, no.

 

If something's not working out, can  you really fall back on a ground rule to insist on having your way? On the other hand if it's big enough to be a "value," then it needs to be respected.

 

:iagree: We discussed shared values. No ground rules. People change. Rules change (see my example above). Ground rules makes me think of The Roommate Agreement (and even The Girlfriend Agreement) on The Big Bang Theory. Inflexible and meant to give someone his or her way. Marriage shouldn't be like that.

[Joanne]

I should add that the premarital counseling in my second marriage was excellent (it was with a skilled female pastor) and helped with money, discussion rules, step parenting.

 

What happened to that marriage was that I went into it too quickly and the rest of the deterioration was from a unique circumstance that could not have been addressed.

[Wheres Toto]

We did but this was my second marriage so I was a little more cynical going into it.  I also had a daughter to protect so it was important that expectations were spelled out all around.

 

I think it's helped some.  It certainly wasn't a miracle cure that solved all problems and prevented all disagreements, but I think it was overall a good idea.

 

[OrganicAnn]

The only ground rule I set was "no pets unless we discuss it and agree on it first".    I take an obligation to pets seriously.   At the time, his family seemed to have people with lots of dogs that didn't always get along with each other and they were always asking him if he would take the troubled dog.   I didn't want stuck with their problem pets.   Luckily it never was an issue.  

[Wheres Toto]

I think talking about expectations is important but I also agree that they shouldn't be considered set in stone. 

 

When we got married dh and I agreed on two more kids (barring health problems) which worked out.  We also discussed me staying home with the kids.  Which I did until a few months ago, but circumstances changed and I'm not going to throw a 9 year old discussion in his face when that's how life works sometimes.  

 

Homeschooling wasn't something either of us ever thought about until our son was 4 years old and clearly wouldn't do well in school.

 

We discussed him supporting my daughter - VERY important to me if I was going to be a sahm. If I wasn't going to be earning my own income, he needed to be willing to provide her with what she needed (yes, she has a father but he's a bit of a d***) without making me feel like he was doing me a huge favor.  That has worked out very well.  He never thought that it was "his money" just because the paycheck had his name on it.   That was major for me.

[lynn]

If she feel she needs ground rules she probably needs more time to think about  the person she plans to  marry and learn about compromising on things that really matter vs things that come up that just don't matter.  Understanding that people can't read minds and were brought up differently goes a long ways.  "Ground Rules" seem like an anticipation of divorce because the other person did not follow "the rules" kwim.

[Santi]

I don't think laying out rules means you need to compromise more or rethink your relationship or anything of the sort. One of ours was no spanking/slapping dd because I do personally consider that abuse, I don't see any room to compromise there.

[HRAAB]

I haven't read any of the replies, but I'm not sure what is meant by ground rules. Maybe it's the word 'rules' that rubs me the wrong way. I don't set rules for dh, and he doesn't set them for me. I imagine we're actually talking about expectations or core values. I definitely had expectations about the man I would marry, and dh had expectations about the woman he would marry, but they were based on shared core values and beliefs. We dated for 3 1/2 years before marrying, discussed many issues, and had pre-marital counseling in our church. The values and beliefs that were important to us then are still important to us now, however, had I set rules, I imagine those would have been tossed before the first decade of our marriage was over. We've both grown and changed so much over the years that rules set 28 years ago probably wouldn't fit who we are today. The core values we held as important were values that we saw lasting a lifetime, and along the lines of integrity, how we viewed children and family, beliefs about marriage.

[regentrude]

We did not have "ground rules". We got each other to know very well by being together for six years before we made the decision to get married. Worked beautifully.

No amount of "rules" and "expectations" can substitute for a few years of actual experience together. Nor should one expect to be able to anticipate all issues that could possibly turn up - there will always be situations for which one is not prepared.

[LucyStoner]

"Well-thought out" probably gives my 21 yo self too much credit, but yes, we absolutely talked about this sort of stuff.

Exactly. We talked a lot and knew we shared the same values, humor, goals, basic life philosophy. We knew we were a team and we were in it for keeps regardless of if we married then or later.

But we were 21 when we married and we got married kinda on a lark. It could have been a terrible decision. But it's worked out splendidly this far.

[LucyStoner]

With that said, we did establish early on that when we got into an argument, we weren't allowed to walk out or leave. But I think that has to do more with being a good communicator and letting your spouse know what you need.

I am smiling because we agreed to just the opposite- someone needing a break won't be held against them and we will walk away and speak about conflicts, to the best of our abilities, with clear heads and without hot anger. To this day, we often say to each other "I'm taking a break, I'll be back in 15 minutes." No storming off, no leaving without letting someone know when you will be back but yes, take the breaks you need. We both do this. It works for us.

[Joanne]

I am smiling because we agreed to just the opposite- someone needing a break won't be held against them and we will walk away and speak about conflicts, to the best of our abilities, with clear heads and without hot anger. To this day, we often say to each other "I'm taking a break, I'll be back in 15 minutes." No storming off, no leaving without letting someone know when you will be back but yes, take the breaks you need. We both do this. It works for us.

Totally. I have had to work to educate some clients that there needs to be safety around leaving a discussion. The leaver needs to be able to walk away (no forced or manipulated coercion to "stay and talk this through". And the partner left needs to know that the person will return and address the issue. Pursuing someone seeking space is not a good relationship skill. A pattern of long term avoidance is a different thing entirely.

[Scarlett]

Hahaha.

 

We had one pre marriage session with the southern baptist minister who married us. (He also married my husbands parents and grandparents.)

 

He spoke to me at length, about 30 minutes, about being a good wife. Supportive, a haven after a long at work, making a house a home, Blahblahblah.

 

Then he turned to future dh and was explaining to him how a woman has periods in her life when a man just needs to let her be. (*me looking puzzled*) Just give her some space during those periods. (*me looking at dh to see if he knows wth this guy is talking about*) Be extra kind during those times and understand dinner might be long and her temper will be short. But those periods don't last forever (*holy crap?! Is he actually talking about PMfreakingS?!*) and before you know it, you'll have your happy wife back again. (*OMG. He IS talking about my period!*) Blahblahblah chocolate Blahblahblah when you're 21 maybe some wine blahblahblah maybe order a pizza Do you think you can handle that?

Dh - uh. Yeah. I've got that down already. We've been together for 2 years so I know how to handle her during those uh times.

 

My internal screaming -> *wait! What the blue blazes?! Where is the 30 minute lecture about how to be a dutiful husband?!*

 

We still laugh about it. I'm still mildly mortified and my dh still laughed that it was d@mn good advice he still uses.

Hilarious.

 

I answered for my current marriage. We married after knowing each other 11 weeks....but I had a list of top ten qualities I was looking for and I used it to decide if he was marriage worthy for me. We also went down a check list of deal breakers and were very honest with each other. If either of us had not been honest all the ground rules in the world wold not have helped.

 

I often tell young girls and men to compile a top ten list. I think it is cool the OPs dd is thinking about this stuff.

[redsquirrel]

If I had to set 'ground rules' then I am marrying the wrong person.

 

It might be better for her to spend some time deciding what her 'deal breakers' are, and what kind of people she wants to spend time with.  She can then make her decision about a mate accordingly.

 

 

I would never marry anyone who wasn't of the same political leanings as myself. I would never marry anyone who had sexist or homophobic views. Those are some deal breakers for me. Of course, those are the sorts of thing that would also stop me from being friends with someone as well, so it wasn't like I needed to do anything different when it came to dating etc

[Mrs Mungo]

I'm not answering the poll because none of the choices really fit my thoughts about it. 

 

I think any sort of "ground rules" that we had set before we married in our early twenties would have been virtually useless because we were entirely unequipped to know the specific sorts of challenges that we would face as a couple/family. We've been married for 20 years, and we've had many discussions, heart-to-heart talks and new goal meetings along the way. We definitely came up with "ground rules" of sorts along the way, but they have changed a lot over the course of 20 years, and I imagine they will continue to change and evolve.

[Aspasia]

I think I had some reasonable expectations. We went over the basics while dating like how many kids, what we want our lives to look like, work plans, etc. We didn't talk about a lot of the major stuff. I think we were very naive. I don't think we really 'got' the whole idea of us being a family or a team, either. That caused a whole lot of issues! I wish we had better understood the implications of a married relationship. I think ground rules of how involved you expect your parents to be after marriage is huge. We really struggled with Dh letting go of his immediate family a bit and connecting to us ( dd1 at the time and I). It has caused a gigantic rift between his family and ours that will never be truly repaired, IMO. They're finally sort of civil and are slightly in the kids' lives but that has just been in the past year or so and we've been married almost 8 yrs!! They still struggle to find a balance in how to be parents to an adult child, and respect that we are his family.

 

We had a lot of issues with his family and I before getting married, but thought it would all blow over once I was 'family'. I think teaching your kids to be realistic and work out big issues *before* getting married is key.

Okay, I actually think this is a good and useful "ground rule"--something about sharing relationship problems with people outside your relationship. My family is way too involved in each other's relationships. Dh and I consider it totally inappropriate and unhealthy. We have always had a general understanding that we don't talk about our fights or problems with family or friends. So there's a "ground rule" I can get on board with. :)

[LucyStoner]

Hahaha.

 

We had one pre marriage session with the southern baptist minister who married us. (He also married my husbands parents and grandparents.)

 

He spoke to me at length, about 30 minutes, about being a good wife. Supportive, a haven after a long at work, making a house a home, Blahblahblah.

 

Then he turned to future dh and was explaining to him how a woman has periods in her life when a man just needs to let her be. (*me looking puzzled*) Just give her some space during those periods. (*me looking at dh to see if he knows wth this guy is talking about*) Be extra kind during those times and understand dinner might be long and her temper will be short. But those periods don't last forever (*holy crap?! Is he actually talking about PMfreakingS?!*) and before you know it, you'll have your happy wife back again. (*OMG. He IS talking about my period!*) Blahblahblah chocolate Blahblahblah when you're 21 maybe some wine blahblahblah maybe order a pizza Do you think you can handle that?

Dh - uh. Yeah. I've got that down already. We've been together for 2 years so I know how to handle her during those uh times.

 

My internal screaming -> *wait! What the blue blazes?! Where is the 30 minute lecture about how to be a dutiful husband?!*

 

We still laugh about it. I'm still mildly mortified and my dh still laughed that it was d@mn good advice he still uses.

I'm impressed you didn't laugh in his face.

[Isabella]

I apologize that the word 'rules' has rubbed some people the wrong way, or confused others.  I put the quotation marks around the phrase to imply that it wasn't a set of hard and fast RULES that one must not stray from or else divorce is imminent! :)  I also wouldn't advocate a great list of do's and don'ts that are surely going to change as time goes on...nor a layout of the way your lives together would go, come hell or high water! That's not even reasonable, and most people, even at a tender age realize that life has a disturbing ability to throw plans to the winds.

 

I guess looking back on my own life I can see that it would have been far better if, before I was married, I had the foresight or understanding to voice some basic expectations.  Basically I suppose I wish I was a stronger person, and respected myself more.  The dominating traits that came out in my dh may have been lessened if I was specific about how I expected to be treated.

 

I'm really glad that my daughters are starting off strong women...mostly because of how they've seen my marriage has been, and they don't want that for themselves.  I have no doubt they'll be telling potential partners....if you ever do/say/act/make me feel like...a certain way, I will not be standing for it.  And I think that is healthy for them.  If they came from a long line of strong women who knew what they wanted I would say the 'rules' or expectations would hardly be necessary.

[LucyStoner]

I guess looking back on my own life I can see that it would have been far better if, before I was married, I had the foresight or understanding to voice some basic expectations. Basically I suppose I wish I was a stronger person, and respected myself more. The dominating traits that came out in my dh may have been lessened if I was specific about how I expected to be treated.

 

 

John Gottman says that one of the best predictors of marital success in a heterosexual marriage is the husband's willingness to accept influence from his wife on division of labor issues in the early years. Gottman is a great resource for books, materials and workshops on marriage. We have been to two workshops with him and his wife and nth were invaluable experiences.

 

http://www.gottman.com/about-us-2/dr-john-gottman/

[Aspasia]

I guess looking back on my own life I can see that it would have been far better if, before I was married, I had the foresight or understanding to voice some basic expectations. Basically I suppose I wish I was a stronger person, and respected myself more. The dominating traits that came out in my dh may have been lessened if I was specific about how I expected to be treated.

 

I'm really glad that my daughters are starting off strong women...mostly because of how they've seen my marriage has been, and they don't want that for themselves. I have no doubt they'll be telling potential partners....if you ever do/say/act/make me feel like...a certain way, I will not be standing for it. And I think that is healthy for them. If they came from a long line of strong women who knew what they wanted I would say the 'rules' or expectations would hardly be necessary.

The good news for your daughters is that, in my observation, guys with domineering tendencies don't tend to be attracted to strong, independent women. Unfortunately, those guys are attracted to women who will allow them to disrespect them.

 

My dad was physically and emotionally abusive to my mom (a sweet woman who has never demanded respect through words or actions or anything else), and I always swore I wouldn't tolerate anything remotely similar to it. But you know what? None of the guys I dated seriously needed to hear that from me. They were all men who would never treat another woman--or person--like that. Somehow I just never dated jerks. I don't think those domineering guys were ever drawn to me, maybe because of my independence and confidence.

 

It sounds like your daughters will probably attract respectful men, just by being confident and expecting respect. :)

[Laurie4b]

We had premarital counseling, but I think we both agreed on some principles before even that. Primarily the scriptural principles of "If it's your fault, go say your sorry." "If it's the other person's fault, go tell her/him you're hurt." (So ideally, you meet in the middle. :) ) and clear things up before bedtime. I can count on one hand the number of times I've gone to bed in 25 years with something unresolved.

 

DH suggested, "Always think the best of each other," meaning, always give a behavior the best possible interpretation. He does better at that than I do.

 

We agreed on basic marriage and family ideas, not through pre-agreement but because we already thought the same things.

 

I think he was supposed to help with the housework and did at first. He's not opposed to it, but he works really, really long hours and I'm home more, so I do nearly all of what gets done. He does his own laundry. I don't think that was pre-agreed, though.

[Melissa in Australia]

I guess I don't really understand what these "ground rules" are that people are talking about.

I was thinking the ground rules that  people talking about on this thread would be major things like no illegal drug use. At least that is how I took the question

[creekland]

The only ground rule I had was that hubby had to learn to like cats as we were getting two kittens for a wedding gift (by my request).  ;)

 

I can't fathom other ground rules.  I guess we unofficially have all the biggies (no drug use, no outside "comfort," etc,) but neither of us had to verbalize those.  The wedding would have been off if he hadn't agreed to the cats.  Now he loves cats!  ;)

[lllll]

..

[Donna]

I voted for the last choice....though "other" might have been better. I was engaged to my husband for 5 years before we got married and we discussed just about everything major prior to marriage...many lifestyle choices, kids, how to split the work around the house, etc... Some of our "pre-marriage" ideas carried over well post marriage and in other areas compromise was needed or there were things we couldn't have foreseen. I wouldn't ever have called anything we talked about a "ground rule"...with the exception of no cheating and no physical altercations, I was pretty willing to compromise on most things. Marriage is give and take. We are always growing and changing so many different things have come up that have had to be discussed when they became an issue. I have been married 20 years....the things I thought when I was getting married at 23 are probably not the things I think now in a lot of areas. Bringing kids into the mix certainly changed a lot of things as well.

[LucyStoner]

I was thinking the ground rules that people talking about on this thread would be major things like no illegal drug use. At least that is how I took the question

For me that goes without saying. If I need a rule for a lot of the stuff mentioned on this thread, then for me personally that is not a person I would pair off with.

[Mrs Mungo]

I can't fathom other ground rules.  I guess we unofficially have all the biggies (no drug use, no outside "comfort," etc,) but neither of us had to verbalize those.  The wedding would have been off if he hadn't agreed to the cats.  Now he loves cats!  ;)

 

 

 

I was thinking the ground rules that  people talking about on this thread would be major things like no illegal drug use. At least that is how I took the question

Anything like that I would have considered (and still do consider) a given.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Dh and I met in our mid-late 20's.   After having dated quite a bit after college, I knew what I didn't want in a mate, but wasn't sure what I wanted until I got to know my husband.  I began to see that I wanted a person who treated people around him with respect, wanted the same things out of life (kids, extended family, long term goals, similar outlook on finances, etc.)  I wouldn't say that we had "ground rules" but that we both placed mutual respect high on our list of values.

 

We got married in the Catholic church so premarital counseling was a requirement.  I insisted that we attend an Engaged Encounter weekend instead of our parish's pretty crappy pre-Cana program.  Dh was skeptical, but later agreed that it was the best thing we could possibly have done, given that we are both conflict avoiders.  There was no escaping or sweeping things under the rug.  It forced us to talk about hard things and understand where the other person was coming from.  We were able to go into the marriage with eyes wide open.  For us, divorce was off the table (except, in my book, the 3 A's - abuse, addiction, adultery.)  He made me promise to try to remember that, even if he did things that seemed hurtful at the time, to always trust good motives.  Not to say that everything has been rainbows and unicorns, but it has been a saving grace in our marriage.  I have been trying to teach my kids to find someone you can trust with your heart. 

[PuddleJumper1]

We talked a lot before marriage but I wouldn't call it setting ground rules. We talked about everything from soup to nuts but just in the general course of conversation. I don't remember any specific "we need to talk about this" discussions. We were very much on the same page about most things so there was no need to set rules so to speak. Communication was the area we scored highest on a pre-marriage counseling quiz our pastor used and I'm guessing that helped.

 

I did have a mental list of what I was looking for in a husband before meeting dh and he fit the bill pretty much to a 'T'. That probably had a lot to do with the lack of need to work through ground rules.

[Orthodox6]

We would not have considered marrying in the first place, if we had not known clearly what each of us believed about "big" issues, and if we had not been in agreement about them.  We were [in agreement], so had no need to "negotiate" anything.  Given the peculiar circumstances of my life at that point, we ended up knowing each other unusually well by the end of the three-and-a-half years from meeting until marriage.  There have been no surprises surface during our marriage (commenced in 1984).   

[wintermom]

I believe the humourous answer is:

 

Men think their girlfriend will NOT change after marriage. And they do.

 

Women think their boyfriend WILL change after marraige. And they don't.

 

 

Other than this, taking the time to pick the spouse who's values are in line with your own, is critical. Also, the ablilty for the husband to say, "Yes, dear." is a real bonus!! lol

 

Some "ground rules" may pop up before marriage, or even after years of marriage, which help promote positive interactions with each other. For example, my dh and I have discovered that in most cases, it's better to hold off on discussions if they start after 10pm. We're both too tired for them to go well. It's more productive to wait until the next day. We tried the "never go to bed angry" and found that it didn't work out well for us. Sleeping on it and talking when we were more rested and relaxed was much better for us.

[Orthodox6]

P.S.  I did not cast a vote.  The first two choices are, in my case, with identical results.  Life has been what it has been.  Our shared values enable us to weather everything that has been hurled at us (which has been a lot). 

[Hunter's Moon]

We have only been married a year. 

 

Before DH and I married, I came on here asking for advice on "ground rules". Only a year in, and I see they were useless. When we have a disagreement, there are so many facets to each different situation. Not going to bed upset or always compromising are not always a possibility. 

 

Thankfully, DH respects me and I him. We have different personalities, different hobbies, and even different values. DH does not have opinions on very many things. I have strong opinions on too many things. But being together makes us both happy. 

 

We were dating 5 years before we got married, so even though we were both young, we both knew what we were "getting into".