Do I make dd2 go with her sister?

[AmyontheFarm]

Post deleted.  Thank you ladies for your help and suggestions.  You have really blessed my husband, me and my household.  Thank you.

[mom2myboys]

((hugs)). I wish I had some advice.

[mom2myboys]

dp.

[mom2myboys]

sorry. multiple posts.

[mom2myboys]

oops.

[mom2myboys]

oops.

[mom2myboys]

And again. Weird. Sorry, I don't know how the same thing posted so many times at once! And I didn't even say anything helpful enough that it needed to be repeated. :p

[Jean in Newcastle]

Honestly, I would not try to protect her from the natural consequences of her actions.  She needs to see her sister burst into tears and her brother go out to ride his bike - if that is the honest reaction to her return.  Let her ask them about the movie and let each of them decide if they want to go - or not - each individually.  That allows them to have a genuine relationship with their sister with genuine emotions and boundaries.  

[Snow]

Honestly, I would not try to protect her from the natural consequences of her actions. She needs to see her sister burst into tears and her brother go out to ride his bike - if that is the honest reaction to her return. Let her ask them about the movie and let each of them decide if they want to go - or not - each individually. That allows them to have a genuine relationship with their sister with genuine emotions and boundaries.

Yes, I totally agree.

[fraidycat]

I agree with Jean. Actions have consequences, let your oldest deal with hers herself.

[Mandylubug]

Let her ask them if they wish to go and let them decide. No reason for this to be such a production. Many siblings move out after high school, **gasp** live lifestyles their parents don't approve of and the world keeps spinning. No need to sit around, pout about it and hold a grudge against the girl. If the siblings are upset with her, let them and let her see it for herself. Making excuses and keeping her from seeing it benefits no one. Even if just the younger ones want to go, let her bless them with her attention and the treat of seeing a movie out.

[Catwoman]

I agree with Jean. It sounds like your oldest dd really messed up, and there's no reason why her siblings shouldn't be able to show her their true feelings. Let your dd see the damage she has done. It seems like if she ends up feeling upset or guilty, she may very well have it coming to her, and it may actually benefit her in the end, if she realizes that her actions have hurt the siblings she loves.

 

And honestly, if her presence is going to upset the other children, maybe she shouldn't be staying in your home, even "as a guest." If she has that kind of attitude before she even shows up, it doesn't bode too well for the overall tone of the visit, so I can't help but worry about that. I'm sure you're worried, too, but I certainly also understand why you want to let her stay with you -- I'm sure I would do the same thing. :grouphug:

 

I know you want her at home, so I really hope everything goes well, and that everyone gets along well.

 

And I'm so sorry to hear that you hit the deer!!!! Thank goodness no one was hurt, but it's just one more stress (and expense) that you didn't need. :(

 

Sending many hugs and prayers your way, Amy. :grouphug:

[Catwoman]

And again. Weird. Sorry, I don't know how the same thing posted so many times at once! And I didn't even say anything helpful enough that it needed to be repeated. :p

The same thing has happened to me a few times, too, and I can never figure out what happened! :)

[kroe1]

He who hath the gold rules.

 

I listened to my dad say this a million times over the years, but only now do I see the real wisdom.

 

It is your house, your rules. Do what YOU want. Then let your kiddos decide what they want within the scope of your wants.

 

p.s. a kiddo who moves out for 30 days but comes back for a 10 day visit is only trying to move back home. Get ready for that big bombshell.

[gardenmom5]

no - absolutely do not force any of your children to spend time with their sister if they do not want to spend time with her.  do let her arrival be a surprise (and some relatives I learned to NEVER tell my children they were coming so when they didn't show, my kids wouldn't know any different).   

 

so what if your son looks at her, then goes outside to ride his bike.   what is she expecting? gushing adoration?  reality bites.  sometimes what people NEED is a reality check and we do them NO favors by protecting them from one.

 

what does she think her responsiblities are as a guest?  that you will be a maid and pick up after her?  uh, no.  you need to nip that in the bud right now.  she's an adult - as a "gracious guest" it is her responsiblity to pick up after herself daily (including making her bed), offer to help with meals (or do an entire meal for everyone on her own), etc.  or she could just go stay at a motel six where maid service is included.  on her dime of course.

[gardenmom5]

And again. Weird. Sorry, I don't know how the same thing posted so many times at once! And I didn't even say anything helpful enough that it needed to be repeated. :p

 

it's a gremlin in the system.  I had it happen on a different board.

[lynn]

I agree with what someone said earlier, don't make the other kids do anything.  She may be expecting grand homecoming  but if the others don't care to give her that, that's okay.  I would not make the kids go to the movies if they choose not to.     

 

As far as the house guest comment.....still your house, your rules.  Does she need to make her bed, tidy the bathroom, livingroom whatever.  I don't expect to be waited on when at my mom's or in-law's.  I always  make up beds, clean up sleeping bags,get my kids to tkae out garbage, tidy the, bathroom after we shower, help with dinner, clear the table, wash dishes, sweep etc.  Tell her if I am going visiting friends and if I will be back for dinner or not and what time to expect us back.

[Word Nerd]

I suspect "I'll be staying as a guest" means "so I don't need to follow your rules." I agree with the others. Don't try to shield her from her siblings' reactions.

[Chris in VA]

((Amy))

 

I think I can relate. For me, when one would come home, the temptation would be to walk on eggshells, as you said, and keep the peace, so at least we could have a good visit--and I could pretend that the effects of the person's rebellion were not devastating. 

 

That's enabling, I've come to find out. It isn't healthy. I never realized that. 

 

I don't think you should continue to be the Monitor of Feelings, as I call it--you don't have to try to control the outcome and "minimize damages" by trying to figure out a way that no one feels hurt or uncomfortable. If you are like me, it hurts to see your kids not be in harmony. 

 

I still felt protective of the returning one's feelings, and didn't want them to feel hurt by any rejection by the siblings, even though I knew it was a natural consequence. I also didn't want to encourage behaviour in the ones visited that would be unforgiving or angry or whatever--I wanted to make sure they forgave and were kind. 

 

What was a good thing to realize was that God could use the anger and hurt of the sibs to grow the returning one, and develop compassion. 

 

Real relationships, with all their ups and downs, hurts and joys, and unmanipulated emotions, are truly better. It is an authentic, though messy, way to live. 

 

I would suggest you not control the interaction but let it play out. I would also say try to love on your dd gently, and tell her, if she experiences rejection by her sibs, not "told you so," but "I know that hurts." And do the same for the sibs. Be the loving one who stands back. Be the one who says it's ok to want to make amends, and it's ok to let someone know the depth of the pain they caused. 

 

Many hugs. Mine can't come home anymore, simply because this area is not healthy. I'm glad you can have your dd home for a while--maybe she will realize what she left. 

[Danestress]

I have a large age gap between my children, and what is happening in your family is familiar to me. It is a wonderful thing that your oldest wants to nurish relationships with her younger siblings. I see very good things - she wants to surprise them, do fun things with them, etc.

 

Their reaction is also normal.

 

And your feelings are normal, but you need to be careful with them. I don't know the full story, but it sounds like you are upset with your daughter's adult choices of where to move and who to live with. I don't know if you are influencing your younger children to see things negatively. But can't help but wonder if you should project to them delight that she is home, love and affection for the man she has chosen, and peace with her decisions. It is hard when adult kids make choices that seem really bad. It's just so hard sometimes. And I don't think we always have to fake that we think those choices are just great. I struggle with all of this.

 

But ultimately, I think a close relationship between siblings is a good family glue, and I would let them make their own choices about going or not going, but I would think hard about whether I could, through my own attitude and behavior, make them more at ease.

[Ripley]

No, don't make DD2 go.  But maybe help her assess the situation and guide her through the decision process.

 

It will give her some assurance that she's being reasonable; and if elder DD starts getting upset, hurt, offended, or even starts in with a guilt trip, your DD2 has a better chance of staying reasonably strong in her resolve.

 

It also gives you a platform to show DD2 how to navigate that inevitable point in a relationship - and it happens in every relationship - where the people we love disappoint us. It is important to realize that we can love people but still not like them (or support their decisions), and it doesn't have to doom the entire relationship.

 

It sounds like one goal is to support the sibling relationship without running interference. I think the best way to do that is to be the sounding board and facilitator more than an enforcer. I wouldn't make excuses to avoid the movie, it may only delay the unavoidable shizzle hitting the fan that needs to happen between the siblings. It may also affect your relationship with elder DD negatively if she thinks you're "siding" with the younger ones. Which, of course, isn't wrong IMO but try being rational with someone who's determined not to be ;).

 

Sorry to hear about your car and health issues - when it rains, it pours. I hope the storm is short-lived!

[mom2bee]

You've received a lot of great advice here, I hope that you're able to use some of the wisdom presented either here or elsewhere and that, eventually, everything works out :grouphug:.

 

I will say this though: Whether your kids go to the movies or not, I would encourage each and everyone one of them to forgive and move on if they are still at odds in a few weeks. I wouldn't try and force them to get along, but I would encourage each wrongdoer to seek forgiveness and the wronged to forgive.

Siblings need each other--they are the future of your family and the bond between siblings (and cousins) is what holds a family together or allows it to break apart.

 

If they are every going to have one a life-long feud shouldn't be rooted in rash decisions made by emotional young people. This next visit shouldn't be about movies, whether they go or don't go to the movies. The siblings should be encouraged to work this out amongst themselves, express themselves honestly and then make up. They are all pretty young and everything seems a big-deal now, but in 15 years, will these events--hurtful as they may feel right now--still matter?

 

It is hard to get along with your siblings, but provided nothing truly horrible is perpetrated among the siblings, they shouldn't be allowed to fight long term at this stage in their lives. I would encourage, but not compel, them to each seek to actively repair and heal their own relationships. Would they rather be angry or at peace come Thanksgiving and Christmas? The birth of the first niece/nephew?

 

:grouphug: No matter what happens, I hope that you are able to do what you feel is right and then sleep better for it.

[Punks in Ontario]

:grouphug:  :grouphug: .  You've all ready had great advice on dealing with the younger siblings.  I would not make my kids go if they didn't want to.  We also have an informal rule that 2 must go.  

 

I get the feeling of walking on eggshells.  It's this way with my dd.  It is what it is.  Hang in there.  Have some backup plans in mind if things get too weird.

 

And remember:  God is still in control, even if you're not. :grouphug:

[Aura]

I suspect "I'll be staying as a guest" means "so I don't need to follow your rules." I agree with the others. Don't try to shield her from her siblings' reactions.

 

I agree. Only going by what you've posted in this post, I'd say she's trying to set some boundaries of her own. She wants to visit, but she needs her parents to understand that it's a visit by an adult child and she expects to be treated as such, not like she's returning to the way things were when she lived there as a child.

 

Of course, even as a guest, there will be certain expectations that you will have of her and it would be a good idea to hammer this out before she arrives. (i.e. She doesn't have to report to you for her every whereabouts, but she shouldn't be past x coming in because you don't want everyone else being woke up.)

 

And, I agree w/ everyone else. Part of being treated as an adult means letting her deal with the consequences of her actions.

 

IMO, her siblings should be free to express their disapproval, even if it means she gets her feelings hurt. Trying to intervene and not allow your younger kids to express their feelings will only make things worse between them. And it doesn't help your oldest to mature as an adult. Both my mom and my mil do this. It has only served to build frustration and resentment mostly toward my mom or mil. And it hasn't helped one bit toward improving relationships between siblings. In fact, it's something that we have to work around. We have decent relationships in spite of our mothers' inability to allow her children to work out their own differences.

 

Having said that, though, I realize that the younger siblings are still kids and might need some coaching on how to express their negative feelings. But pretending they don't exist or glossing them over isn't going help, IMO.

[Mango]

I think you can ask her to be a guest the the local hotel instead. Her departure sounds like it was disruptive and her coming back is going to be equally disruptive. She's not a guest, she's family. If she wants the privileges of family, but not the work. Then she should stay where she won't create more work for the rest of the family by asking them to cater to her whims and desires. 

 

She wants to be treated like an adult? Then tell her that although her ideas sound good, the reality is ..... 

(And then tell her what you've just stated in original post.)

 

If she's being reasonable she should "get it." If not, then she'll be angry and you can maybe tell her that a visit now is not a good idea for all. Perhaps by Christmas. 

 

Really, its ok for her to make her decisions. This visit with all it's pre-requirements on her end sounds likes she's been missing scrapping with everyone and she's picking for a fight.

 

Just say no. Stand firm. Let her Daddy do the talking. Whatever it takes to let her know she voted with her feet and she now no longer holds a vote in your household. Grown-up you wanted, grown up you are. Yes, you were hurt by all that came before. But don't let her go on hurting you. Let her hurt, hurt herself for a while or at least the new people in her life. distance can be a good thing. 

[J-rap]

Honestly, I would not try to protect her from the natural consequences of her actions.  She needs to see her sister burst into tears and her brother go out to ride his bike - if that is the honest reaction to her return.  Let her ask them about the movie and let each of them decide if they want to go - or not - each individually.  That allows them to have a genuine relationship with their sister with genuine emotions and boundaries.  

 

This, precisely.  Instead of telling her dd2 can't go and make up excuses, let her know -- gently -- that she doesn't feel comfortable going because of what all has happened in the past.  (I don't know the details.)  Or, instead of YOU telling her that, encourage dd2 to tell her that herself -- not angrily, but gently and matter-of-factly.  I would encourage you to work with all of your kids still at home on speaking honestly about their feelings with their sister (not angrily so that it shuts down all lines of communication, but honestly and clearly).   Sorry about all that's going on.  :grouphug:

[Catwoman]

How are you doing today, Amy? I know that worrying about this must be very stressful for you. :grouphug:

[bobbeym]

I agree with all the good advice everyone else has posted.   I think you need to let the consequences of DD's actions be what they are but at the same time stand firm that it's your house and your rules. 

 

If you think your younger ones need to be forewarned of her arrival, then do so.  She doesn't like it, too bad.  You still have to look out for the kids at home even if she thinks she's all grown up and doesn't need parents anymore.

 

Let your younger kids decide if they want to go to the movies or not. DD2 might want to go, she might not, but at 17yo she's old enough to make that decision by herself.

 

I suggest you make it clear that "guest" doesn't equal "being waited on hand and foot".  If I'm a guest at someone's house, I pick up after myself and help out where I can, be it cooking, cleaning, buying a meal out, whatever.  If she's not willing to abide by your house rules then she needs to plan to spend the 10 days at a hotel.

 

Sorry to hear about the deer and the car.  That really sucks with everything else going on right now.  :grouphug:

[Orthodox6]

And your feelings are normal, but you need to be careful with them. I don't know the full story, but it sounds like you are upset with your daughter's adult choices of where to move and who to live with. I don't know if you are influencing your younger children to see things negatively. But can't help but wonder if you should project to them delight that she is home, love and affection for the man she has chosen, and peace with her decisions. It is hard when adult kids make choices that seem really bad.

 

 

OP should not have to present a false-front to her other children.  If the family values do not include living with someone in an unmarried situation, OP should continue to show unconditional love for her daughter, but she is under no obligation to "project . . . love and affection for the man she has chosen, and peace with her decision."  That directly undermines the values she is teaching her family.  Don't speak with foul language.  Don't burn any bridges with the daughter, if at all possible.  But change what OP believes and teaches her other children just because one takes a different path?  That would be too inconsistent for the children ever to trust and believe Mom again.   Much more useful to let the other children ask questions, and make use of the opportunity to discuss how values are provided, but free will allows the individual to embrace them or to reject them -- and to live with the consequences of freely-made choices. 

[zoobie]

I don't know the backstory... I would not force younger siblings to go, but I would encourage them to go. I'm an only child and want my kids to be close to each other when they're grown. Unless she's off axe murdering kittens when she's away from home or has been abusive toward her siblings, I would tell them that whatever X has happened, she's still their sister and loves them dearly. It sounds like she's very excited to see them and misses them. They're going to make mistakes in their life too. Are they choosing not to go out of spite? Are they trying to punish her? What's the reasoning for them wanting to avoid her? If she was mean to them, well, that's a natural consequence and their choice and I'd respect it.

 

DH's parents tried to poison his siblings' relationships. They created conflict where none existed. Him going away to college and then getting married had nothing to do with his little sister, but she was told "If he loved you, he would have gone to community college and lived at home..." She's 11 years younger. We have no contact with her. All kinds of mental health issues at play obviously. ;) His brother is nearly 3 years younger and it worked for a few years, until brother wanted to leave and cleave. Then he realized what was happening... It took a few more years for them to repair their relationship. Now they're back to being very close, but he will still call and say, hey, did you actually do this?!?! When he remembers some bit of crazy.

 

ANYWAY, I am not trying to say you are doing this at all! It's just the lenses through which I'm viewing sibling relationships when there's conflict between parent-child. And I'm an only and would love to have a sibling with whom to share my own crazy parent issues! :) We try very hard to encourage sibling love and respect because of our own baggage.

 

Edited: reread the OP. A month isn't long at all! Everything is still in flux and raw. Yikes! Can you ask what being a guest means? I'd *guess* she means staying as an adult family member without complying with curfew, etc. versus being carried around on a velvet cushion. ;) When I came home from college my freshman year for winter break, my parents went a little nutty and had stricter rules for me than they did when I was home as a senior! I wasn't allowed to stay home alone at all (had to accompany them to the grocery store!). It was odd and stressful, and as a result, I didn't come back to stay more than 1 night (Christmas) until my senior year. It's hard for her too to navigate these new waters. And harder for you as you have to juggle multiple kids' feelings AND your own. I hope you find a good balance. ((hug))

 

I wouldn't feel obligated to keep it a surprise if preparing your younger children will make it easier for them to process. I have one kid who dislikes even "good" surprises.

[trinchick]

Sounds to me like DD is envisioning a grand homecoming where she left as a child and returns as a woman. Her siblings race to greet her. She gets to be the grand poobah and host a movie outing while her siblings are grateful and awed by her maturity and generosity. She is a guest rather than a child.

 

I think it's a bit of a fantasy, and having it play out differently will be eye-opening for her. I wouldn't try to spare her feelings by intervening and encouraging the other kids to play into it at all. If she's disappointed, it's unfortunate, but hat's part of being an adult, too.

[Cinder]

:grouphug:   You've already gotten a lot of good advice re: siblings and your dd's "guest" visit. I just wanted to give you a hug for being in such a tough situation.

[gardenmom5]

I don't know the backstory... I would not force younger siblings to go, but I would encourage them to go. I'm an only child and want my kids to be close to each other when they're grown.

DH's parents tried to poison his siblings' relationships. They created conflict where none existed. H

. And I'm an only and would love to have a sibling with whom to share my own crazy parent issues! :) We try very hard to encourage sibling love and respect because of our own baggage.

forcing - or even "strongly encouraging" relationships is also not conducive to sibling harmony.  the relationship must be of their own free will and choice.   having a sibling is no guarantee they will agree on "crazy parents" in fact being crazy.  they could think the sibling is crazy, and the parent sane and rational.  (even if the reality is the parent is an abuser.)

 

pushing/encouraging a child, against their instincts, to have a relationship with another sibling who has made poor choices that go against the family's values (especially if it's recognized by the family) will NOT help the sibling relationship, but it will hurt the parent- 'sane'-child relationship. 

[Danestress]

If the family values do not include living with someone in an unmarried situation, OP should continue to show unconditional love for her daughter, but she is under no obligation to "project . . . love and affection for the man she has chosen, and peace with her decision." That directly undermines the values she is teaching her family. Don't speak with foul language. Don't burn any bridges with the daughter, if at all possible. But change what OP believes and teaches her other children just because one takes a different path? That would be too inconsistent for the children ever to trust and believe Mom again.

I don't think it is a violation of my children's love and trust to dislike the decision an adult child makes, be honest about that if asked, and still project love and acceptance towards that child and her chosen mate.

 

And I guess that is sort of a 'family values' biggie for me. Love thine enemy. Love, not hate. Make peace within my family, allow my adult children to make choices I don't like without risking losing relations with me and the rest of the family.

 

Obviously there are scenarios where I simply couldn't do that. I could not let my children be around a dangerous person at all. But as a general rule, I think I can mostly love an adult child who is doing things I don't agree with and encourage my younger children to love her and enjoy her.

[JustEm]

My thought would be to let your children decide if they want to go to the movies with their sister.  If some don't go because her boyfriend is going then so be it.  She can decide if she'd rather nurture her relationship with her siblings or pick her boyfriend over them.  I wouldn't go anywhere with someone I did not want to and I would not make my children either. They should love and respect the boyfriend but they do not have to like him.

 

If she wants it to be a surprise then let it be a surprise.   And if she wants to be a guest in your house then allow your other children to decide whether they want her there or not.  Once again if my children were upset in their own homes because of a guest that guest would need to leave.   My children's home is their safe place and if she wants to be a guest then she has no right to invade their home.  If she wants to be a member of the family coming home to visit then that is different as it is her home also and the other siblings need to deal with it.

 

I watched my older sister try to tear my family apart because of her rebellion.  My parents were very firm in keeping the younger ones safe and their needs a priority.  Its been many years, we're all grown up, and everyone in my family have close relationships with one another

[Orthodox6]

I don't think it is a violation of my children's love and trust to dislike the decision an adult child makes, be honest about that if asked, and still project love and acceptance towards that child and her chosen mate.

 

And I guess that is sort of a 'family values' biggie for me. Love thine enemy. Love, not hate. Make peace within my family, allow my adult children to make choices I don't like without risking losing relations with me and the rest of the family.

 

Obviously there are scenarios where I simply couldn't do that. I could not let my children be around a dangerous person at all. But as a general rule, I think I can mostly love an adult child who is doing things I don't agree with and encourage my younger children to love her and enjoy her.

 

If you reread what I wrote, you will see that what I posted aligns with what you say here.

[AmyontheFarm]

Hi Ladies,

 

I copied an hour ago, everything everyone said and broke it down into points for me to reread constantly over the next 10 days.  I even took some of your quotes and printed them on my bathroom mirror.  Then I shared with my husband.  This is what we are going to use as our "plan" for while she is here.  Thank you for all your help, encouragement and hugs.  I am strong, I can do this, and I am loved! :)

 

Concerning being a house guest:

• House guest have rules imposed by society on them. This is our house, our rules are still in place concerning media selections and manners.  Guest will need to be polite and abide by our rules.

Concerning financial concerns:

• He who hath the gold rules – I will not feel guilty saying no when she asks for the keys to the van.  I will not feel guilty turning off the internet when movies are played that don’t follow our moral code, she has a data plan she can use in the privacy of her room.  I will not feel guilty for not picking up her tab at the restaurant.

Concerning Momma’s mental health:

• This Momma is not the Monitor of Feelings – I cannot control the outcome and minimize the damages by trying to figure out a way that no one feels hurt or uncomfortable.
• I need to show my other children with my actions and words that I forgive N and I am kind to her, but I will not be her doormat.  When any child expresses hurt because another child rejects them in some way, I will quietly say “I know that hurts†and give them a hug.
• I will be the one who says it's ok to want to make amends, and it's ok to let someone know the depth of the pain they caused. 
• I will project to my children that I am delighted that she is home, I will be polite and civil to the boyfriend since he might be my son-in-law in the future.
• People we love will disappoint us, this gives us the opportunity to show them grace and love on them even more.  We are allowed to place boundaries to keep ourselves emotionally healthy and extend grace from behind those boundaries.
• Don’t attempt to be rational with an irrational person.
• We will continue to talk about forgiveness and grace like we have been with our children this past month.
• I do not have any crazy ideas that life will return to how it was in the past.
• Alternative living arrangements are easily made over at Grandma’s house next door or at the local hotel.

 

Concerning Movie:

• I will help DD2 by supporting her decision and backing her up in her decision.  However, if DD2 will not go to the movies, then we as a couple are not willing to trust DD1 with our younger children alone.  So, no one goes.

Concerning Sibling relationship:

• Do not try to protect N from natural consequences, reality bites, we do NO favors for people by trying to protect them from consequences. Actions have consequences, let N deal with hers herself
• Everyone has a right to their own feelings. Don’t protect N from her siblings honest emotional reactions, she has it coming to her, it may actually benefit her in the end, if she realizes that her actions have hurt the siblings she loves
• Siblings need each other, they are the future of this family.  You don’t want to make future holidays awkward or stressful based on the actions of one person during this time.

 

She arrives in an hour.  This will be fun!

[Jean in Newcastle]

Praying, Amy.

[JustEm]

I will keep you family in my prayers.   I hope it runs as smoothly as it can and that it is a visit with some sort of healing intwined with all the chaos I assume will occur.

[PeachyDoodle]

Praying that this will be a time of healing for your family. The advice you've gotten here, and your subsequent plan, are excellent. Be strong and stick to what you know is best!

 

:grouphug:

[gardenmom5]

you've got a good list.  :grouphug:   hope everything goes well.

[zoobie]

forcing - or even "strongly encouraging" relationships is also not conducive to sibling harmony.  the relationship must be of their own free will and choice.   having a sibling is no guarantee they will agree on "crazy parents" in fact being crazy.  they could think the sibling is crazy, and the parent sane and rational.  (even if the reality is the parent is an abuser.)

 

pushing/encouraging a child, against their instincts, to have a relationship with another sibling who has made poor choices that go against the family's values (especially if it's recognized by the family) will NOT help the sibling relationship, but it will hurt the parent- 'sane'-child relationship. 

 

I never said force--the part you cut when you quoted me explained how I would encourage, by helping them explore WHY they're making the decision. I think it is good parenting to teach children to examine their motives and think how their decisions will have an impact beyond the immediate situation. 

[bolt.]

Great stuff so far.

 

As a handy rule of thumb, give her the imaginary status as the children's "young aunt" -- which should guide you in how to treat her as a grown up "guest" rather than a returning "child".

 

If you would let your children decide whether they would like to go out with "an aunt like her" -- do that. If you would firmly encourage an "aunt" relationship, do so. If you would not allow your children out with "an aunt like her" at all, then don't give them permission to go.

[bobbeym]

Great plan.  I'll be praying the visit goes well.

[Catwoman]

Amy, I think you have come up with an excellent strategy, and I really admire you for seriously considering what is best for your entire family, including your oldest dd. You have really thought this through, and I think your plan is excellent. :thumbup:

 

I hope she is "visiting" because she secretly wants to make things right with the family, and that your niece's wedding gave her an excuse to arrange to "visit" without having to appear that she was crawling back home in shame or something.

 

Praying for all of you!!! :grouphug:

[Miss Mousie]

I realize she has already arrived, but I wanted to present a different perspective on the "guest" part.  Is it possible that, in saying she would be a guest, she was trying to underline that she is only there to visit and is not looking to move back?  Trying to see it from her shoes, I can imagine she's afraid you and your husband might be hoping she'd say "I've made a terrible mistake," so she's trying to pre-empt that by stating otherwise up front.

 

Just a thought.  I hope events are unfolding calmly and pleasantly this afternoon. 

[AmyontheFarm]

Well they arrived on our doorstep yesterday bearing gifts for all. She doesn't need to try to buy our love, it is freely given.  She just doesn't have our respect right now. 

 

Had a few hiccups.  I don't allow guests to use my computer with my banking info on it.  But she is allowed to use her computer with our internet.  I also don't allow guests into my bedroom.  It's a privacy zone.

 

I asked for and received a marked calendar of when she would be available to visit so that I could optimize family time with everyone for her. 

 

DD2 decided to go to the movies, so the younger kids went also.  They all had a good time.  Hubby and I left to have coffee with some friends who encouraged us and helped us talk through things about the situation.

 

We were able to convince dd1 and boyfriend to not sign her termination papers for work as of yet.  We asked them to give us a chance to try to convince them that quitting her job was financially a bad move.  They are "humoring" us and said she wouldn't sign the papers yet, until later this week.

 

Hubby and I are in agreement that this is spiritual issue and there is absolutely nothing we can do to stop her.  Until she gets her heart right, she will continue to make bad mistakes.  We raised her, trained her and now have to release her to fall flat on her face or fly.  It is her choice.  Although, last night, if felt more like it was their/his choice.

 

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13  I spoke those words over her as they prepped me for an emergency c-section.  I spoke those words over our family as they tried to make her breath.  I spoke those words over her as I opened my arms and released her to leave over a month ago.  And I speak those words today.  I can get through today, I can get through the next 9 days and I will consider it all joy.  For my joy is in the Lord, not in the emotions I feel as I react to what my offspring are doing.

 

Thank you ladies for your prayers, hugs and encouragement.

[luvnlattes]

 

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13  I spoke those words over her as they prepped me for an emergency c-section.  I spoke those words over our family as they tried to make her breath.  I spoke those words over her as I opened my arms and released her to leave over a month ago.  And I speak those words today.  I can get through today, I can get through the next 9 days and I will consider it all joy.  For my joy is in the Lord, not in the emotions I feel as I react to what my offspring are doing.

 

This part brought tears to my eyes. :grouphug:  :grouphug: and prayers for you as you walk through these next days.