On a Scale on 1 to 5, 5 being the worst...

[maize]

OP, you're in a tough situation. Being a first-time parent is overwhelming, adding to that being a substitute parent to a three year old whose life has just been turned upside down I can't imagine. One thought: whatever your niece does, do not take it personally. Three year old behaviors really are not a hill to die on (I think you used that term at one point). Getting into a power struggle (emotionally) with a three year old is a pointless endeavor and doesn't yield anything good.

 

Be the adult, be calm, expect irrational behavior and irrational responses. It's up to you to roll with that while trying to provide as much consistency and solid ground as possible. Not easy to do, and you have my best wishes.

 

Love your baby, love your niece, that will matter more than anything else.

[maize]

Double post.

[mathmarm]

Just wanted to post back here and give a big thank you to all the folks who replied with guidance, tips, advice, etc.

I appreciated it all.

[Tsuga]

Did I miss something? People keep telling OP that this behaviour is normal because she's still a 'baby'.

 

I thought I read in a later post that this child was going to be 4 in a few weeks? This seems to be a lot of negative behaviours to excuse from an almost 4 year old.  How old IS the niece?

 

Yeah, when my kids were three people kept telling me that as well. "It's normal." Well, yes. Testing boundaries is normal for a three-year-old. But that doesn't mean it's not a time for them to learn. I'm deeply opposed to arbitrary and violent punishments but I also think it's totally worth it to set your foot down and teach a child boundaries at that time.

 

I personally am amazed how few people have an authoritative parenting style here. It seems like it's physical force (egads, really? You can't even do that to a criminal, it's against the law--just try to hot sauce someone in jail) or excusing / dismissing / ignoring the behavior.

 

Whatever happened to a good old "no, that's not okay", removing the child from the situation, and talking about appropriate behavior? No, that's not all going to sink in at three, nor is it the easiest way to deal with it, but it's been pretty effective for most people I know.

 

3 is very, very young to be separated from home and family for an extended period.

It's also very young to live with someone who is afraid of you and/or your behavior and can't set boundaries.

 

There is nothing cruel or unusual about time-outs behind a baby gate with an open door. There is nothing cruel or unusual about a caregiver saying, "Your behavior worries me. I need to take a time out so I don't lose my temper. I'll be out of the bathroom in two minutes."

 

It sets a boundary, it shows love, it saves your temper. Will it permanently modify the child's behavior if she's leaving in a couple of weeks? Doubtful, HOWEVER it sets the stage for a firm, loving, and authoritative relationship between the adult and the child which I believe is very important.

[SKL]

The baby gate thing has been mentioned a few times.  I don't think I've ever known a three-year-old who would be restrained by a baby gate if she wanted to get out.  I would assume the child described here would climb over it and that would open up a whole new battle ground.  When it comes to tot battlegrounds, less is more IMO.  :P

[SKL]

I remember dealing with someone else's 3yo who kept knocking ornaments off my Christmas tree.  I corrected sweetly the first couple of times, but when it only got worse, I changed to a low voice, looked him in the eye, and slowly said, "if you ___ again, I am going to be verrry disappointed."  Kid took that seriously.  ;)  So now I do that with my kids too - if they aren't taking me seriously or think it's a game, the low, scary voice comes out.

 

I got the idea from a seminar about public speaking for wimps.  ;)

[Tsuga]

The baby gate thing has been mentioned a few times.  I don't think I've ever known a three-year-old who would be restrained by a baby gate if she wanted to get out.  I would assume the child described here would climb over it and that would open up a whole new battle ground.  When it comes to tot battlegrounds, less is more IMO.  :p

 

There are cheap babygates and then there are those which are high and which keep a child in the room. We had one that you could not climb over: it was wooden bars and covered the bottom half of the door.

 

And yes, they do try to climb over, but you put them back in. Or you can shut the door, but that is only for a safe room, with a potty and a bottle of water. I wouldn't recommend that for this child because the situation is so unstable so that may seem too much like abandonment, although with my own kids, since they know where they're staying and that I'm mom and not leaving, I have shut the door.

 

You could add something in to incentivize staying in the room: "Licking bothers the baby. You didn't stop licking, so you can stay away. Stay here for three minutes then try again." If she tries to climb over the gate, say, "You have to stay for three whole minutes." Re-start the timer.

 

My first was really strong willed and it took forever to train her in that but it was worth it in the long term.

 

The babygate is more a clear reminder to the child that she's to stay in the room. You could try without the babygate, but she might forget.

 

"if you ___ again, I am going to be verrry disappointed."

 

 

This works well with some children. Children raised in unstable households and/or with verbally abusive behavior, or who are strong-willed, may not respond to it. It's worth a shot (it's honest but not unkind) but I wouldn't be shocked if it didn't work.

[LibraryLover]

I think the issue should be addressed, but the OP asked for scale. Because the child in question is so young, and likely experiencing a degree of trauma, we don't think the behavior is a 5, or needs to be harshly addressed (as some, not the OP, have suggested).

[Catwoman]

I think the issue should be addressed, but the OP asked for scale. Because the child in question is so young, and likely experiencing a degree of trauma, we don't think the behavior is a 5, or needs to be harshly addressed (as some, not the OP, have suggested).

:iagree:

 

And some people seem to be forgetting (or not realizing) that this is not mathmarm's own child; the little girl is her niece, and this is a temporary living arrangement, not a permanent one.

 

Personally, I think those are very important factors to consider.

 

I also think we need to cut mathmarm a bit of slack here, too, as her oldest child is a one-month old baby, so she has never parented a 3yo before right now, and it's reasonable that her expectations of the child may be somewhat unrealistic. I give her a lot of credit for having asked for advice about the situation.

[Tsuga]

Catwoman, definitely--I was more replying to some of the suggestions, not the OP who could have been me about 6.5 years ago. :)

[Catwoman]

Catwoman, definitely--I was more replying to some of the suggestions, not the OP who could have been me about 6.5 years ago. :)

LOL! It definitely would have been me, too -- I was completely clueless, but of course, I thought I already knew it all! :D

[Audrey]

I remember dealing with someone else's 3yo who kept knocking ornaments off my Christmas tree.  I corrected sweetly the first couple of times, but when it only got worse, I changed to a low voice, looked him in the eye, and slowly said, "if you ___ again, I am going to be verrry disappointed."  Kid took that seriously.  ;)  So now I do that with my kids too - if they aren't taking me seriously or think it's a game, the low, scary voice comes out.

 

I got the idea from a seminar about public speaking for wimps.  ;)

 

 

That (the bolded) is my default anger management tool.  I cannot stand yelling and I don't want to be a yeller.  The lower and slower I speak, the more control I have over my anger at the situation.  It is also a clear indicator of how angry I actually am.  It did not take my ds long to figure that out.  Come to think of it, it didn't take my dh long to figure that out, either. ;)

 

Now, if I come at you with a big ol' grin on my face... watch out.  All filters are off! But, that's another story....

[KungFuPanda]

I read the whole thread and I am OUTRAGED at all of the hipocracy. I cannot believe the number of people who are acting like they've never intentionally licked another person.

[SKL]

I read the whole thread and I am OUTRAGED at all of the hipocracy. I cannot believe the number of people who are acting like they've never intentionally licked another person.

 

I do not lick underaged children.  :/  ;)

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I read the whole thread and I am OUTRAGED at all of the hipocracy. I cannot believe the number of people who are acting like they've never intentionally licked another person.

I didn't inhale.

[Tammi K]

 I cannot believe the number of people who are acting like they've never intentionally licked another person.

 

My kids  believe that if you lick someone on the outside of the elbow, they can not feel it. 

 

My 12 year old seems determined to prove the truth of this statement.

 

For what it's worth, he assures me that he IS able to lick my elbow without me knowing it! Of course his hysterical laughing usually gives him away. Weirdo!

[SKL]

My kids would probably lick too if I let them get away with it.  Which I do not.  I have no desire to be licked, and I assume the same is true of most other people.

[swellmomma]

I read the whole thread and I am OUTRAGED at all of the hipocracy. I cannot believe the number of people who are acting like they've never intentionally licked another person.

 

I licked my daughter's tooth today...yup I admit it.  She tried to breath her morning breath on me on purpose so I went to lick the tip of her nose but she moved and I ended up licking her front tooth...yeah we are that kind of household lol But we still don't lick the baby.

[Reflections]

My 3yo ds has been pretending to be a puppy for months now.... I've been licked so many times, I'm all kinds of sticky.  And even though we've told him to only do it at home, I can't tell you how many times I've had him on my hip while talking to someone only to look over and see him picking his nose and then have him wipe it on me!  And he thinks that farts are like rocket fuel that propel him at super speeds down our hallway - over and over and over.  And let's not forget that at this age he is newly potty trained and I have to help wipe him....AFTER he tried to do it himself...it's always a clorox moment in my house - luckily his older brother taught him how to pee when he's sitting down - that was getting old to clean up after.

 

I've got more.... if anyone isn't barfing next to their electronic devices and wants to hear more.....

 

 

Of course, at this point I guess he should be living on my porch, right? CPS might have something to say about that, though.

 

 

 

 

ETA:  Lest I start a wtm war.... both of my dss are ambidextrous... they can pee sitting and standing... it's very useful for when we have to stop on the side of a fairly busy highway to use a tree... 

[Lolly]

I read the whole thread and I am OUTRAGED at all of the hipocracy. I cannot believe the number of people who are acting like they've never intentionally licked another person.

 

 

I admit it. I think I have licked every single person in my family. I lick dh on the face regularly just to irritate him. Not big, slobbery licks; just little dryish licks. Yep, I am a licker. I was a biter when I was little, but only family. I still have to fight the urge to bite when I am really, really riled up. I swear my teeth ache at that time. Guess I am orally fixated. Do they have help groups for this?

[mommymilkies]

I admit it. I think I have licked every single person in my family. I lick dh on the face regularly just to irritate him. Not big, slobbery licks; just little dryish licks. Yep, I am a licker. I was a biter when I was little, but only family. I still have to fight the urge to bite when I am really, really riled up. I swear my teeth ache at that time. Guess I am orally fixated. Do they have help groups for this?

You can add me into the group.  I had some sort of oral fixation as a kid.  I ate everything-cat food, calculator buttons, etc.  Not to eat them, just to chew/taste/feel.  Luckily I have moved out of this (partially due to TMJ-no gum for me), but still feel the need to bite stuff sometimes.  I always hold my knitting needles in my teeth when I'm switching sides, so if you're scared of my cooties, you might want to leave my knitting alone. :D

[Tsuga]

I read the whole thread and I am OUTRAGED at all of the hipocracy. I cannot believe the number of people who are acting like they've never intentionally licked another person.

 

I've probably licked another person. Well, maybe not, but I don't know one way or another. I have also hit another person, though my mom said I wasn't a biter. I have also told my mom she was a b*&%^ .

 

Each time, I faced a relatively appropriate (nonviolent, but firm, immediate and socially severe) consequence, and the behaviors stopped.

 

Perhaps I'm misunderstanding you but it seems to me that if I didn't discipline my child for any behavior I'd ever committed, I might as well just give up and send them out on their own right now. I've gotten math problems wrong; shall I never correct my child's math mistakes (or even ask her to correct them herself)? I've burned cookies: shall I not remind her to set the oven timer? I once hit a boy, and got suspended for it. Shall I not have my own daughter suspended from school for hitting? I once head-butted my sister. Shall I not separate my children for cool-down times and apologies if they do that?

 

Discipline is about teaching. It's not about cruelty, it's not about anger, it's not about fear. It's about teaching a child what is right and wrong in certain contexts, which is usually best done in a loving, firm way.

 

There is a right way and a wrong way to treat others. Respecting bodily integrity is important to me. My discipline respects that.

 

But yes I do ask three-year-olds to be accountable. It doesn't mean I was never three. I was! And I'm really happy that my mom took that time to teach me not to lick, because it was probably way easier to learn it at home than at school...

[Flowing Brook]

I admit it. I think I have licked every single person in my family. I lick dh on the face regularly just to irritate him. Not big, slobbery licks; just little dryish licks. Yep, I am a licker. I was a biter when I was little, but only family. I still have to fight the urge to bite when I am really, really riled up. I swear my teeth ache at that time. Guess I am orally fixated. Do they have help groups for this?

 

To annoy my sister I will get my finger wet with my saliva and stick it in her ear.  She hates it and I love the reaction she gives. So every time I go visit her I do it to her at least once.   If she would just stop reacting my fun would be over and I would quit.

[Tsuga]

"To annoy my sister I will get my finger wet with my saliva and stick it in her ear.  She hates it and I love the reaction she gives. So every time I go visit her I do it to her at least once.   If she would just stop reacting my fun would be over and I would quit."

 

Proof, if it were ever needed, that children need to be taught how to respect others as persons and not objects of entertainment before they grow up into adults like this.

 

It's not a big deal in the greater scheme of things, but why would you treat your sister like your own personal entertainment center? How is that okay?

 

Why damage a relationship with a little reminder that you don't care about her as a human every single time, just because you can?

 

Edit: I should say, this is assuming that by "hate" she means, her sister gets really icked out by this and has a physical reaction, not that her sister is like, "I'd much rather have a hug but I know this is your way of showing love". I know teasing is normal and we love raspberries in our home BUT stop means stop and if someone begs you to stop every time, then you just stop doing that. There is a fine line between teasing and hurting for some people but it's easy to see when it's market with a big "NO!" or "STOP!"

 

I'm sure that if we were speaking in real life this we'd all come down much closer and I apologize for taking the term "hate" so literally.

[nmoira]

"To annoy my sister I will get my finger wet with my saliva and stick it in her ear.  She hates it and I love the reaction she gives. So every time I go visit her I do it to her at least once.   If she would just stop reacting my fun would be over and I would quit."

 

Proof, if it were ever needed, that children need to be taught how to respect others as persons and not objects of entertainment before they grow up into adults like this.

 

It's not a big deal in the greater scheme of things, but why would you treat your sister like your own personal entertainment center? How is that okay?

 

Why damage a relationship with a little reminder that you don't care about her as a human every single time, just because you can?

 

Seriously? Without knowing anything else about their dynamic?

[Corraleno]

"To annoy my sister I will get my finger wet with my saliva and stick it in her ear.  She hates it and I love the reaction she gives. So every time I go visit her I do it to her at least once.   If she would just stop reacting my fun would be over and I would quit."

 

Proof, if it were ever needed, that children need to be taught how to respect others as persons and not objects of entertainment before they grow up into adults like this.

 

It's not a big deal in the greater scheme of things, but why would you treat your sister like your own personal entertainment center? How is that okay?

 

Why damage a relationship with a little reminder that you don't care about her as a human every single time, just because you can?

 

Teasing, practical jokes, and generally goofing around, are part of the normal dynamic in many families. People get annoyed — and then they get revenge, lol. Sticking a finger in someone's ear does not equate to "not caring about them as a human being." That's crazy.

[SKL]

"To annoy my sister I will get my finger wet with my saliva and stick it in her ear.  She hates it and I love the reaction she gives. So every time I go visit her I do it to her at least once.   If she would just stop reacting my fun would be over and I would quit."

 

Proof, if it were ever needed, that children need to be taught how to respect others as persons and not objects of entertainment before they grow up into adults like this.

 

It's not a big deal in the greater scheme of things, but why would you treat your sister like your own personal entertainment center? How is that okay?

 

Why damage a relationship with a little reminder that you don't care about her as a human every single time, just because you can?

 

Someone who has time should do a google search to find the forum where her sister posts about this horrible annoying Hive member.  I could just see it now.  More than likely Forumland has long ago diagnosed our fellow Hive member with Narcissistic Personality Disorder among other things.  ;)

[SKL]

My family knows that I don't like being touched on my back/shoulders, so they do it to me every time I go over there.  I guess I need to cut off contact immediately.

[Catwoman]

My family knows that I don't like being touched on my back/shoulders, so they do it to me every time I go over there. I guess I need to cut off contact immediately.

You probably never even realized that they hated you, did you? ;)

[Catwoman]

"To annoy my sister I will get my finger wet with my saliva and stick it in her ear. She hates it and I love the reaction she gives. So every time I go visit her I do it to her at least once. If she would just stop reacting my fun would be over and I would quit."

 

Proof, if it were ever needed, that children need to be taught how to respect others as persons and not objects of entertainment before they grow up into adults like this.

 

It's not a big deal in the greater scheme of things, but why would you treat your sister like your own personal entertainment center? How is that okay?

 

Why damage a relationship with a little reminder that you don't care about her as a human every single time, just because you can?

Sounds like somebody can't take a joke.... :rolleyes:

 

Have you ever considered that this is probably a running gag in the family?

 

I can't even begin to fathom how a silly thing like this could be damaging a relationship or showing someone that you don't care about them as a human being.

 

What an incredible overreaction.

[Tsuga]

Seriously? Without knowing anything else about their dynamic?

 

I'm taking the poster's word for it that her sister hates it.

 

If she means, "It bothers her slightly and she gets hysterical about it for laughs," then that's different.

 

Every family horses around, every family wrestles, plays practical jokes. That is normal.

 

Continuing to do something that causes another person pain or discomfort after they've asked you to stop is not cool at all in my book.

 

Also, my reaction I don't think is "overreacting" because it's not like I'd do a lot about it, besides resent the fact that my sister was rude to me and didn't listen to me when I asked her to stop. I've never cut off a family member, nor would I, unless of course my kids were in serious danger. I wouldn't yell. But I don't think saying, "Hey, I asked you to stop, and you're still trying to bug me for laughs, what the heck is going on here?" is an overreaction.

[swellmomma]

I admit it. I think I have licked every single person in my family. I lick dh on the face regularly just to irritate him. Not big, slobbery licks; just little dryish licks. Yep, I am a licker. I was a biter when I was little, but only family. I still have to fight the urge to bite when I am really, really riled up. I swear my teeth ache at that time. Guess I am orally fixated. Do they have help groups for this?

 

I suspect your dh wouldn't want that to change....just sayin' ;)

[Tsuga]

I suspect your dh wouldn't want that to change....just sayin' ;)

 

But he's probably reaaaalllllly nice to her at certain vulnerable moments.

 

[SKL]

Eeew, this thread is getting gross.  A 5 on a scale of 1 to 5.  :P

[Tsuga]

Someone who has time should do a google search to find the forum where her sister posts about this horrible annoying Hive member.  I could just see it now.  More than likely Forumland has long ago diagnosed our fellow Hive member with Narcissistic Personality Disorder among other things.  ;)

 

I have seen such posts... people who say, "I keep telling my older brother that it makes me feel bad when he makes fun of my chub but he thinks it's hilarious. He doesn't understand why we don't spend much time together, even though I told him every time that it really hurts me!"

 

There is no doubt in my mind that the older brother is thinking, "My little brother can't take a joke. What a wuss. That's what you DO in families!"

 

[swellmomma]

Eeew, this thread is getting gross.  A 5 on a scale of 1 to 5.  :p

 

Ewww you licked me!

[nmoira]

I have seen such posts... people who say, "I keep telling my older brother that it makes me feel bad when he makes fun of my chub but he thinks it's hilarious. He doesn't understand why we don't spend much time together, even though I told him every time that it really hurts me!"

 

There is no doubt in my mind that the older brother is thinking, "My little brother can't take a joke. What a wuss. That's what you DO in families!"

Sure. It's also possible the older brother hates it when the little brother hip checks him, farts, and dashes away. Heck, I know two adult sisters who will wrestle the other, pin her down and fart on her. Not my cuppa, but they actually enjoy it.

 

Families can be horrible and hateful, yes, but also weird and wonderful. It's perhaps telling that you immediately assumed a negative and power imbalanced dynamic on the basis of scant information.

[Tsuga]

It's perhaps telling that you immediately assumed a negative and power imbalanced dynamic on the basis of scant information.

 

I didn't assume a negative and power imabalanced dynamic--I talked about the behavior itself and why it's wrong.

 

And no, it's probably not telling. First of all that wasn't my assumption, and second of all, I believe most people are far more complicated than a single post, which is why I commented on her behavior and not her as a person.

 

Just like everyone who smacks their child on the butt is not actually a fire-breathing baby-eating Hitler dragon offline, it might just be that certain opinions come out wrong in text.

[Flowing Brook]

"To annoy my sister I will get my finger wet with my saliva and stick it in her ear.  She hates it and I love the reaction she gives. So every time I go visit her I do it to her at least once.   If she would just stop reacting my fun would be over and I would quit."

 

Proof, if it were ever needed, that children need to be taught how to respect others as persons and not objects of entertainment before they grow up into adults like this.

 

It's not a big deal in the greater scheme of things, but why would you treat your sister like your own personal entertainment center? How is that okay?

 

Why damage a relationship with a little reminder that you don't care about her as a human every single time, just because you can?

 

Edit: I should say, this is assuming that by "hate" she means, her sister gets really icked out by this and has a physical reaction, not that her sister is like, "I'd much rather have a hug but I know this is your way of showing love". I know teasing is normal and we love raspberries in our home BUT stop means stop and if someone begs you to stop every time, then you just stop doing that. There is a fine line between teasing and hurting for some people but it's easy to see when it's market with a big "NO!" or "STOP!"

 

I'm sure that if we were speaking in real life this we'd all come down much closer and I apologize for taking the term "hate" so literally.

 

When I said hate I should have said She acts like she hates it.  My sister has a lot of stress in her life right now.  She is facing prison for a crime she did not commit.  The person that hurt her in a terrible way is the one perusing it.  She is facing a lot of other really stressful things in her life right now.  Her way of dealing with the stress is to tease joke and act outraged at silly stuff.  If I thought for one minute that it was really distressing I would never again do it.

 

I care deeply for my sister.  I have told her many times if she ever needs anything I will drop everything and go to her.  No matter the time of day or night.  We are both very close.  I gave her my car when she needed one. I paid hundreds of dollars for her when she need repair bills.   I will walk to the ends of the earth for her if need be.  She does the same for me.  When I had surgery a month ago. She took me home from the hospital.  Got up thro ught the night to give me my pain meds and kept me entertained by telling me really corny jokes.  We have each other's backs there is nothing either one of us would not do for the other.  Our families way of showing love is playing pranks.  I know my sister is mad at me when she does not do something silly. 

 

[SKL]

The standard "let me irritate you" thing in my (extended) family is to use the word "poignant."  Extra points if done at Thanksgiving dinner.  It goes back to an English teacher my dad had to put up with - who had a crush on him.  She used to like the word "poignant."  Blech.

[nmoira]

I didn't assume a negative and power imabalanced dynamic--I talked about the behavior itself and why it's wrong.

 

And no, it's probably not telling. First of all that wasn't my assumption, and second of all, I believe most people are far more complicated than a single post, which is why I commented on her behavior and not her as a person.

 

Just like everyone who smacks their child on the butt is not actually a fire-breathing baby-eating Hitler dragon offline, it might just be that certain opinions come out wrong in text.

 

Fair enough. But I do think that your bolded comment was more personal than not, and based on what, a single anecdote? Perhaps it was stronger than you intended?

[Lolly]

"To annoy my sister I will get my finger wet with my saliva and stick it in her ear.  She hates it and I love the reaction she gives. So every time I go visit her I do it to her at least once.   If she would just stop reacting my fun would be over and I would quit."

 

Proof, if it were ever needed, that children need to be taught how to respect others as persons and not objects of entertainment before they grow up into adults like this.

 

It's not a big deal in the greater scheme of things, but why would you treat your sister like your own personal entertainment center? How is that okay?

 

Why damage a relationship with a little reminder that you don't care about her as a human every single time, just because you can?

 

Edit: I should say, this is assuming that by "hate" she means, her sister gets really icked out by this and has a physical reaction, not that her sister is like, "I'd much rather have a hug but I know this is your way of showing love". I know teasing is normal and we love raspberries in our home BUT stop means stop and if someone begs you to stop every time, then you just stop doing that. There is a fine line between teasing and hurting for some people but it's easy to see when it's market with a big "NO!" or "STOP!"

 

I'm sure that if we were speaking in real life this we'd all come down much closer and I apologize for taking the term "hate" so literally.

It's what families do. It is one of those things that draws them closer. They purposely irritate each other because they love each other. I think the actual truth is that more families should lighten up and not take stuff so seriously.

 

I suspect your dh wouldn't want that to change....just sayin' ;)

 

Nah, he sure doesn't. He probably wouldn't complain if I didn't lick his face again though. Gotta say, it has led to some very pleasant memories. His retaliation is something I always look forward to. 

[KungFuPanda]

I've probably licked another person. Well, maybe not, but I don't know one way or another. I have also hit another person, though my mom said I wasn't a biter. I have also told my mom she was a b*&%^ .

 

Each time, I faced a relatively appropriate (nonviolent, but firm, immediate and socially severe) consequence, and the behaviors stopped.

 

Perhaps I'm misunderstanding you but it seems to me that if I didn't discipline my child for any behavior I'd ever committed, I might as well just give up and send them out on their own right now. I've gotten math problems wrong; shall I never correct my child's math mistakes (or even ask her to correct them herself)? I've burned cookies: shall I not remind her to set the oven timer? I once hit a boy, and got suspended for it. Shall I not have my own daughter suspended from school for hitting? I once head-butted my sister. Shall I not separate my children for cool-down times and apologies if they do that?

 

Discipline is about teaching. It's not about cruelty, it's not about anger, it's not about fear. It's about teaching a child what is right and wrong in certain contexts, which is usually best done in a loving, firm way.

 

There is a right way and a wrong way to treat others. Respecting bodily integrity is important to me. My discipline respects that.

 

But yes I do ask three-year-olds to be accountable. It doesn't mean I was never three. I was! And I'm really happy that my mom took that time to teach me not to lick, because it was probably way easier to learn it at home than at school...

I bet you're fun at parties.

[Guest]

I wasn't insulting any ones religion. Heathen was used around me to describe behavior as long as I can remember. My dad even used to call us that because we got so dirty when we played. I have never heard of an atheist being called a heathen either. It was a name my parents and every parent I grew up around used when we acted crazy. I am surely not the only person on this board who uses words differently than what a dictionary calls them. I would never judge any ones beliefs or for not believing or whatever so if I offended by use of that word I do apologize. I am sure we all grew up with little odd sayings here and there. My mother to this day calls me Charlie Brown I am not a fictional character on a cartoon!!!

My Mom would tell us to stop being raunchy when we were kids. Only like last year did I learn that to many people that the word does not mean what I think it means, to paraphrase Indigo Montoya from The Princess Bride.

 

And I am so staying out of the rest of this.

[Guest submarines]

I remember how mature and HUGE my 3 year old seemed to me when my second child was a newborn. She was a BIG KID. It took having more than one child to fully realize that at 3 they are still very, very little. They are still practically babies. But I also think that it is almost impossible to have this intuitive feel that they are not BIG KIDS when you have only one child who's a newborn. That's totally normal. No matter what others might say, your 3 yo niece will still look and feel like a giant physically and like a mini adult developmentally. But it is still good to be aware that she's still a baby. 

 

The licking would *really* annoy me, as I have a visceral reaction to licking. Ugh, I hate to say it, but I'd be having a really hard time with licking, and not because I worry about germs. The germs wouldn't bother me. It's only the licking that I don't like. :huh: 

 

Her not "obeying", wouldn't bother me at all. She's testing limits, she's probably stressed out, and she is a perfectly normal 3 yo. It is not her job to obey. It is your job to redirect, and redirect, and redirect, and redirect (yeah, it is tiring) and to give her multiple "time-ins" and meaningful praise. 

[Guest]

I admit it. I think I have licked every single person in my family. I lick dh on the face regularly just to irritate him. Not big, slobbery licks; just little dryish licks. Yep, I am a licker. I was a biter when I was little, but only family. I still have to fight the urge to bite when I am really, really riled up. I swear my teeth ache at that time. Guess I am orally fixated. Do they have help groups for this?

So your screen name really fits you then? Lolly likes to lick? {Hey it is meant to be funny.} 

[Mrs Mungo]

I agree with many other posters. She is three. She is not in her own home or space. She has been thrown into a *very* different situation than usual. Three year olds are all about asserting independence.

 

When my kids were three, they had a laminated chart of their morning and bedtime routines. The chart had pictures of the things that needed to be done in order. We put a star over it when it was done.

 

With toothbrushing I helped them brush-I would say, "let's arrrrrrr like a pirate now ahhhhhh like a crocodile," and so forth.

 

She is going to need entertaining. I did lots of preschool type activities with my kids. I would give them a tub of water, a washboard and let them wash all of their doll clothes, then hang them on a little clothesline. I would do finger play games with them. We would sing the "clean up" song as we picked up together. They helped me cook. They had refrigerator magnets so they could play right there at the fridge while I was at the stove. We took walks and I pushed them on the swing at the playground. We went to story time at the library. We drew pictures with sidewalk chalk.

 

A three year old is not like a baby and is not like a 5 year old.

 

How long is she going to be with you?

[Melissa in Australia]

Sounds like somebody can't take a joke.... :rolleyes:

 

Have you ever considered that this is probably a running gag in the family?

 

I can't even begin to fathom how a silly thing like this could be damaging a relationship or showing someone that you don't care about them as a human being.

 

What an incredible overreaction.

put me in the overacting camp. :ack2:  

If anyone in my family did that I would probably have an automatic reaction of bopping them in the nose and I would never ever visit them again.

[SKL]

The other day I was at The Little Gym and the owners' 3yo daughter was ticked off that both of her parents had to be in the gym and she couldn't go in there.  Patrons were taking turns giving her attention so she wouldn't completely melt down.  I made a suggestion and she said, "no."  So I said, "OK, let's not" and she said, "yes!"  So I said, "OK, we can do that" and she said "no!"  Repeat, repeat, repeat.

 

Later she and her 1yo sister were fighting over a little chair, even though there was another identical little chair that nobody was using.

 

Before I had three-year-olds, I'd have been tsk-tsking for the whole hour.  But having had kids of that age, it didn't faze me at all.  It just reminded me how glad I am to be done with that stage.  ;)

[Flowing Brook]

put me in the overacting camp. :ack2:  

If anyone in my family did that I would probably have an automatic reaction of bopping them in the nose and I would never ever visit them again.

 

So you are going to cut family ties with some one you love over a silly prank. Your family ties must not be very strong.