On a Scale on 1 to 5, 5 being the worst...

[Catwoman]

But what about the poor, misunderstood comma? By NOT being in the right place, it has caused all manner of ruffled feathers.

 

Somebody needs to take it out back and give it a good licking.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

Let's get mathmarm's niece -- she'll do it!!! (Or maybe she just licks babies. I don't know for sure, and I'm almost afraid to ask. ;))

[Catwoman]

Or put forth as a case study. Perhaps given over to the punctuation equivalent of vivisection.

Let's do it here.

 

We're already off-topic anyway, so we might as well do something educational.

[unsinkable]

I tried to send a personal apology to Unsinkable but it would not go thru.  Sorry.  I did not mean for anyone to be hurt or picked on.

 

Thank you SKL. You don't need to apologize for anything.

 

My PM box is full because I am a PM hoarder. I hate deleting stuff.

[kitten18]

Some kids are just special like that.

 

I had a licker. Darn kid licked everything from shopping cart handles to his sister's pillowcase. (He also licked the dog, his aunt, and, for a weird few weeks, the wall in our entryway.) Sometimes we ascribe adult motivations, like a power play, to childlike actions that may have less malevolent explainantions. In Bug's case he is a sensory seeker; he is hard wired to bounce off of, rub his body against, and, grossly enough, lick things. I would look at the big picture of her behavior and see if you can figure out the reason behind the behavior before you write it off as "bad".

My DS once licked a toilet seat, at Disneyland.

 

And when he was 3, he talked to vacuum cleaners and fire hydrants.

 

3 year olds are weird.

[freesia]

My DS once licked a toilet seat, at Disneyland.

 

And when he was 3, he talked to vacuum cleaners and fire hydrants.

 

3 year olds are weird.

They are.

 

I can't believe I've been following this thread all day and didn't think about how my 4.5 yo was/is a licker. Grocery carts were her specialty, but this summer she licked the brick porch of my brother's Arlington, VA townhouse and said, "This tastes like the sand in North Carolina (well actually she said North Caraclina)"

[nmoira]

My DS once licked a toilet seat, at Disneyland.

 

And when he was 3, he talked to vacuum cleaners and fire hydrants.

 

3 year olds are weird.

 

I once caught my then 3ish DD the Younger eating bits of shaved ice being used to keep a whole, uncovered tuna chilled. Yup... got the great parent award that day with, "I'd only turned away for a second to give my order." I still make the poor girl hold my hand at the butcher counter.  :lol:

[mathmarm]

Well, we made it through the day with minimal incidents and several more licks. Because I didn't want to be inconsistent or seem to easily influenced by her actions, I stuck to the plan that we came up with last night. We had a fun morning and went to the park, the library story time and we played a game at home, then we went to my moms house where Jr. was exposed to her a good deal more and she quickly made messing with him a priority.

 

I stuck to my plan and didn't give the licking itself any un-due attention. I didn't yell, or fuss about it. I just kept moving Jr. and telling her that she shouldn't lick the baby and that sometimes the baby has germs or poop on him and she could get very, very sick. I did have her wash her mouth out twice with 'soap'* since after a while Jr. wasn't clean and she continued to try and get at him.  After the 2nd mouth-washing, I caught her hesitating before deciding not to lick him again.

 

I don't particularly care about her licking her stuff or even some items, but I don't want her licking my child. I just don't. I can't settle down to the idea of anyone licking on my child--even if they do it in some parts of the world. Since it seems to be working and the focus isn't on her being bad but on keeping both of them healthy and safe, I'm going to keep to this approach for a few more days. Hopefully this whole--deter, deter, distract, redirect and then give her a negative experience (washing her mouth) that is presented as a natural consequence to her actions, without it being doled out in a penal fashion, will continue to work for this licking game. Honestly, I'm tired of it already, but since the week is just beginning I'm going to be a lot more selective of which molehills become mountains and which mountains I'm going to climb for battle.

 

Niece is an argumentative child--even for her mom she is often defiant or insists on being naughty--but I have decided to keep incidents on a sliding scale, not just a "bad" vs "good" scale, but a "how bad is this, really, in the grand scheme of things" type way. I am a pretty transparent person who isn't good with conflict in any way shape or form. It's easy to tell when I am upset so I have been careful to keep extra 'cool' about her antics or she'll be running my house in a few days.

 

The next few days I'm going to work on establishing boundaries and commanding Nieces respect without being demeaning, harsh or 'over the top'

--mathmarm, who wishes that toddlers were numbers so that I could more easily and quickly study them.

 

P.S. *It wasn't really soap, but I told Niece that it was anti-germ mouth-soap.

 

[SKL]

Good idea - being a mom of tots definitely taught me the "pick my battles" strategy.  Before that I never saw the point of it.  ;)

[swellmomma]

I was licked on the arm today by a just turned 4 year old (one that is not related to me at all btw).  After I responded with an  "ewwwww you slimed me" and he laughed and laughed he switched to kisses on my arms.  this little guy is the little brother of a friend ds15 and dd14 have at cadets.  He sees me each week and says hi etc, today I stopped and talked with him for a bit while his folks were busy and it led to me being the one to catch him and he ran full speed into me followed by me getting slimed.  He thought he was hilarious, my response was all it took and he switched gears without needing to break my smile playing with him. In the back of my mind though was this thread and the thought of "I really must post of this tonight when I get home" so here I am lol

[kroe1]

I guess I am the last parent in America who spanks for defiance. I really have never had the time to coddle, cajole, or placate a misbehaving 3 year old when I had a newborn also. I also agree with the above posters who recommend no access to babe although I realize logistically this may be hard.

 

Finally, the 3 year old can most definitely spread disease by licking the newborn.

[mom2bee]

I guess I am the last parent in America who spanks for defiance. I really have never had the time to coddle, cajole, or placate a misbehaving 3 year old when I had a newborn also. I also agree with the above posters who recommend no access to babe although I realize logistically this may be hard.

 

Finally, the 3 year old can most definitely spread disease by licking the newborn.

 

Nah, I know plenty of parents who still do.

 

A friend was over just yesterday with her 3 kids and said that she sometimes she still spanks her 4yo and 6yo when they are in heavy-duty mischief mode. Fortunately her 2yo is still in the 'little angel stage', but she's of a different nature than her older siblings and her mom hopes she doesn't enter in the 'I'm going to be naughty and defiant and nothing you say will stop me' arena anytime soon.

 

My parents used spankings also, quite liberally :lol:. I don't spank much, never really--except in the most dire of circumstances.

I suspect that there is too much stigma and shaming and over the top reactions that involve abuse hotlines for people to feel comfortable sharing such things now.

[2squared]

I stuck to my plan and didn't give the licking itself any un-due attention. I didn't yell, or fuss about it. I just kept moving Jr. and telling her that she shouldn't lick the baby and that sometimes the baby has germs or poop on him and she could get very, very sick. I did have her wash her mouth out twice with 'soap'* since after a while Jr. wasn't clean and she continued to try and get at him.  After the 2nd mouth-washing, I caught her hesitating before deciding not to lick him again.

 

P.S. *It wasn't really soap, but I told Niece that it was anti-germ mouth-soap.

 

I'm glad your approach is working for you.

 

My one caution, though....you told a 3yo that putting soap into her mouth is OK.  I get that she probably didn't enjoy it, but now she thinks it's an acceptable thing to do.  She also thinks that your baby has germs and poop on his head.  My 3yos would easily connect those two data points into baby has a dirty face, so I'll be helpful by cleaning his face and mouth with soap.  2yos and 3yos copy everything they see, and they test all the boundaries.

[mathmarm]

I'm glad your approach is working for you.

 

My one caution, though....you told a 3yo that putting soap into her mouth is OK.

No, I told her that using anti-germ mouth soap, was okay. We even talked about how we can't use just any ol' soap on our bodies or in our mouth.

There is different soap for different things and this 3yo knows to respect difference between different kinds of soap, and I trust her--within reason--not to eat soap or the 'mouth-soap'. She is one of those kids who isn't prone to ingesting/eating anything dangerous, but I'll still keep on the look out for this, so thank you for this heads up. Toddlers are baffling at times...

I get that she probably didn't enjoy it, but now she thinks it's an acceptable thing to do.  She also thinks that your baby has germs and poop on his head.

I never told her that Jr. had poop on his head, but she has seen me changing him enough to know that he does, in fact, sometimes have poop on him. Her mom is a big enough germ-a-phobe already, and this kid already knows about germs and bacteria in a basic sense. She has her own germ-x and has been taught to wash her hands every so often even without eating or going potty.

My 3yos would easily connect those two data points into baby has a dirty face, so I'll be helpful by cleaning his face and mouth with soap.  2yos and 3yos copy everything they see, and they test all the boundaries.

She certainly is testing boundaries, and she enjoys mimicry of adults too. I'm going to be meeting with her teacher this afternoon and we'll have a quick meeting--this kid is a little angel at school, according to what I have heard, so I'm going to be asking her caregivers for more tips and advice with dealing with this particular child effectively. I don't doubt that she can be a very well behaved child, but I do doubt my ability to provide her with a stable and structured environment in which to flourish without more guidance.

I realize that while many of the things she does may annoy me, I'm just taking and interpreting her actions in one way because I'm not used to dealing with them. Her mom treats her like a miniature adult and they behave towards on another as though they are equals. Such a dynamic is not going to work for us. Not at all. I need to be the authority and voice of reason--even if she doesn't like it, but I'm hoping that we can find a nice broad middle ground on which we can coexist peacefully. I want her to respond appropriately and obey me, but I'm not seeking to control her. I want to be the dominate party in this relationship, but I'm not looking to dominate her, if that makes any sense.

 

Aside from the licking, which *I* don't like, she is kind to Jr., though she is a little heavy-handed in general so I would never leave them unattended or let her hold him. She gets his stuff for me and watches over him like a mother hen--but normally he is missing out on his cousins loving attentiveness because he is asleep. Niece is excited for her teachers to meet Jr and wants him to come to her school. When Jr. cried last night while Hubby was getting dinner, she brought him some toys, sat down next to him and sang him a song until I was able to get and tend to Jr. myself.

 

However, I'm not going to be able to relax much if everything.single.thing. has to be an argument with her. Licking aside, she is exhausting and frustrating to deal with because she will not comply or obey anything without fighting it. I am not sure how I will fair if neither I nor Hubby can't ask her--but must convince her to: come brush her teeth, put her toys away, put her clothes on the chair, hold still so I can fix her hair, get dressed (which she can do, just fine, all by herself), eat her food, get your bag, pick up your crayons, put your plate away, etc...

 

I have noticed that she defies or argues about seemingly everything in every way possible just for the sake of arguing or because she can, in fact, defy. Her mom told me that she'd been getting out of hand at home recently also. I have decided that this need to defy and argue, more than licking Jr.,  is a big deal. I think that it is at the root of most ill-will and intentional wrong-doing and more than anything else, is a problem for me.

 

This is a hill I will both climb and fight on. However, I'd like to take a proactive disciplinarian and not a reactive-punishment stance on the whole thing. I can't wait to talk to her teachers. Both the little girl and her mom adore and love her PreK teachers and from the reports it seems that the sass-mouthed, stubborn and sometimes bratty little girl that gets dropped off transforms into an intelligent, strong-willed yet compliant delight at school who is a kind friend and a good leader even among the 4yos.

 

I think that if we don't get something worked out, then Hubby and I will be at fault because Niece is capable of good behavior and I am capable of loosening up (Hubby is loose enough, already!), surely we can reach some place of balanced understanding, right? Right?!

[Lolly]

I realize that while many of the things she does may annoy me, I'm just taking and interpreting her actions in one way because I'm not used to dealing with them. Her mom treats her like a miniature adult and they behave towards on another as though they are equals. Such a dynamic is not going to work for us. Not at all. I need to be the authority and voice of reason--even if she doesn't like it, but I'm hoping that we can find a nice broad middle ground on which we can coexist peacefully. I want her to respond appropriately and obey me, but I'm not seeking to control her. I want to be the dominate party in this relationship, but I'm not looking to dominate her, if that makes any sense.

 

Aside from the licking, which *I* don't like, she is kind to Jr., though she is a little heavy-handed in general so I would never leave them unattended or let her hold him. She gets his stuff for me and watches over him like a mother hen--but normally he is missing out on his cousins loving attentiveness because he is asleep. Niece is excited for her teachers to meet Jr and wants him to come to her school. When Jr. cried last night while Hubby was getting dinner, she brought him some toys, sat down next to him and sang him a song until I was able to get and tend to Jr. myself.

 

However, I'm not going to be able to relax much if everything.single.thing. has to be an argument with her. Licking aside, she is exhausting and frustrating to deal with because she will not comply or obey anything without fighting it. I am not sure how I will fair if neither I nor Hubby can't ask her--but must convince her to: come brush her teeth, put her toys away, put her clothes on the chair, hold still so I can fix her hair, get dressed (which she can do, just fine, all by herself), eat her food, get your bag, pick up your crayons, put your plate away, etc...

 

I have noticed that she defies or argues about seemingly everything in every way possible just for the sake of arguing or because she can, in fact, defy. Her mom told me that she'd been getting out of hand at home recently also. I have decided that this need to defy and argue, more than licking Jr.,  is a big deal. I think that it is at the root of most ill-will and intentional wrong-doing and more than anything else, is a problem for me.

 

This is a hill I will both climb and fight on. However, I'd like to take a proactive disciplinarian and not a reactive-punishment stance on the whole thing. I can't wait to talk to her teachers. Both the little girl and her mom adore and love her PreK teachers and from the reports it seems that the sass-mouthed, stubborn and sometimes bratty little girl that gets dropped off transforms into an intelligent, strong-willed yet compliant delight at school who is a kind friend and a good leader even among the 4yos.

 

I think that if we don't get something worked out, then Hubby and I will be at fault because Niece is capable of good behavior and I am capable of loosening up (Hubby is loose enough, already!), surely we can reach some place of balanced understanding, right? Right?!

 

 

Btw, she sounds like a perfectly normal 3 yo. Those terrible 2s you have heard of, they are actually 3s. It tends to start toward the middle of the 2s, but really peaks in the 3s. A 3 yo is typically pretty hard to handle. They are reaching to be let out of the toddler stage and be seen as being real, live big people. Everything with a 3 yo is often an argument. It is their wings stretching to learn how to fly. 

[mathmarm]

Btw, she sounds like a perfectly normal 3 yo. Those terrible 2s you have heard of, they are actually 3s. It tends to start toward the middle of the 2s, but really peaks in the 3s. A 3 yo is typically pretty hard to handle. They are reaching to be let out of the toddler stage and be seen as being real, live big people. Everything with a 3 yo is often an argument. It is their wings stretching to learn how to fly. 

 

Yeah, I was afraid of that, :crying: ...lol!

I'm just going to approach this whole situation as a *I* am the one who needs fixing and help, I am sure that there are many appropriate ways to handle this stage and the challenges that it brings. I'm hoping that I can 'cheat' a little by talking to the folks who get her to behave nicely and getting their guidance.

 

Hubby thinks that we need to relax ("I am RELAXED!" <-- said in a tense and growly voice that clearly doesn't know the definition of the word!) and just be calm about the situation no matter what. He thinks that everything is in delivery--you can discipline or dole out a punishment and if the delivery is correct then everything will work out just fine. Which is depressing news for someone like me. I'm an expressive person and easy to 'read', so I'm going to be working extra hard on the relaxation and delivery of my words and actions.

 

Aah, parenthood...*Goes off in search of her tea*

[8circles]

 

However, I'm not going to be able to relax much if everything.single.thing. has to be an argument with her. Licking aside, she is exhausting and frustrating to deal with because she will not comply or obey anything without fighting it. I am not sure how I will fair if neither I nor Hubby can't ask her--but must convince her to: come brush her teeth, put her toys away, put her clothes on the chair, hold still so I can fix her hair, get dressed (which she can do, just fine, all by herself), eat her food, get your bag, pick up your crayons, put your plate away, etc...

 

You seem to have a good grasp of where you need to be mentally about this (relax, work on delivery, etc) but I just wanted to say here: HOLY COW.  That's a lot to expect from a 3 yr-old without any trouble.  She may be physically capable of all those things & she may also be capable of obeying without any fighting at times, but you need to know that your expectations are high for this to be her norm.  That isn't to say that a 3 yr-old who does this without complaint is unheard-of, just that it is an extreme and may not be attainable whatever you do.

 

Have you tried some sort of a schedule, with pictures that she can look at that shows what she needs to do at certain times?  Or a checklist of things she needs to do before school, before bed, etc.  That might make it easier for you to speak to her about those things without falling into the power-struggle situation.  Make it more of a "it just has to be done, I'll help you if you need/want".  Don't cajole or convince, just wait for her to be willing or the next thing doesn't happen.

[SKL]

Miss E was very difficult at 3 because she is hard-headed by nature.  You would never know by looking, though.  She was quiet, calm, and had no desire to do anything "bad."  However, dare ask her to do (or wear) anything that wasn't her idea first . . . ugh.  The silent, still tantrum.  Bah.  She still does this at times, by the way.  :/

 

I avoided a lot of issues by just giving her a choice when it worked.  Obviously "would you like to lick or pat the baby" would not fly, but "would you like to rinse your dishes or just bring them to the sink" might.  :)  Or "would you rather put the crayons in the cupboard or store them on the counter so you they are ready for you to use next time?"

 

Someone recommended the book "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" which I bought.  (I was desperate and didn't want to beat my kid to death over what color underwear she was going to wear.  :P)  This helped me to direct the kids without getting emotional or stressed about it.  Just state what they are doing and what they need to be doing.  I still phrase many corrections as "no, you may not _____."  In a calm voice, but they know I mean it.  Of course when push comes to shove, you are bigger and you can pick her up and put her where you need her to be.  We all have to do that sometimes, and it can be done without emotion.

 

Another thing.  Since she is argumentative, she apparently has a need to talk and explain herself.  So when she's being good/normal, ask her some questions.  A good one is "what was/is your favorite thing about ___?"  Followed by, "why?"  It will keep her happy and occupied and fulfill her need to express herself without making anyone crazy.  ;)

[QueenCat]

I guess I am the last parent in America who spanks for defiance. I really have never had the time to coddle, cajole, or placate a misbehaving 3 year old when I had a newborn also. I also agree with the above posters who recommend no access to babe although I realize logistically this may be hard.

 

Regardless of one's opinion on spanking, please remember this is a niece, not the op's own child. The law does look quite differently on spanking one's own child vs spanking another person's child, even if they are in one's care. This child has also been uprooted from her norm, so is likely going through some major adjustment issues, so she probably does need some coddling, to reassure her that things will be okay. I'm with you, though, in that access to the baby needs to be limited.

[SKL]

Yeah, I believe in spanking my own kids, but not someone else's kid, for many reasons which I won't go into.

 

Though I believe in spanking, when it got to the point (around age 3 of course) when I was spanking someone multiple times per week, I knew I needed a different approach.  (And no, spanking harder wasn't it.)  IMO spanking should be infrequent in order to be meaningful.

[nmoira]

Since you only have the child for a short time, I'd resist the temptation to psychoanalyse or "fix" her. Consistency and time will so that. Mine were delightful at four. :)

 

When she's gone, read up on child development for a better sense of what's going on with her.

[Seasider]

Try offering her choices instead of asking her to do one specific thing. Make both options something you really want her to do, but letting her have the option of which to do right at the moment helps her feel invested in the action. Instead of, "please get dressed," try "would you like the red shirt or the blue shirt." Time to clean up toys, "would you rather carry each one back to the toy box, or carry this bucket to collect them up?"

 

Won't always apply, but giving her options instead of orders may be more appropriate and successful given her age, stage of development and personality type.

[SKL]

Of course with Miss E, I would say "would you rather wear the pink or the blue" and she'd say " the red."  As long as it wasn't patently unacceptable, I learned to roll with it.

 

Once she was angry because I gave her underwear that she didn't prefer.  She didn't tell me this, just sulked.  I came back expecting her to be all dressed (yes, she could completely dress herself by age 2) but she was sitting there sulking.  We didn't have time for that, so I put the clothes on her myself and then left her to put on her socks and shoes.  I came back and she had removed all her clothes, changed her underwear, and gotten dressed again.  ;)  My adorable little monster child.  :)  When I mentioned this to someone, they told me I should be worrying about Oppositional Defiant Disorder.  ;)

 

One time she was hating on me because I unbuttoned the clothes on the hanger to make it easier for her to get dressed.  She had wanted to unbutton them.  Of course I was supposed to read her mind AND cater to her whims at all times.  :/

 

I do not miss three.

[mathmarm]

You seem to have a good grasp of where you need to be mentally about this (relax, work on delivery, etc) but I just wanted to say here: HOLY COW.  That's a lot to expect from a 3 yr-old without any trouble.  She may be physically capable of all those things & she may also be capable of obeying without any fighting at times, but you need to know that your expectations are high for this to be her norm.  That isn't to say that a 3 yr-old who does this without complaint is unheard-of, just that it is an extreme and may not be attainable whatever you do.

 

These are all things that she's been taught to do at home and school for around a year now. Both her mom and I are list checking, schedule making, do things by the book and according to a clock type people. We have similar home routines. Honestly, I don't expect Niece to do much of anything without a prompt, unless it is self-serving and carries a quick pay off in self-gratification, I figure that's the nature of the beast though. But I will see about making a schedule that she can follow along with as a way of letting her know what happens and when. Maybe we will do that as an afternoon activity.

 

come brush her teeth-- She brushes her teeth with supervision but does the motions mostly for herself. Once a day she gets a dry or water-only brushing that is meant to clean and remove build-ip

put her toys away-- Is it really unusual for a 3yo who is healthy, verbal and speaking fluently, as well as a little physically advanced to put their own stuff away? She doesn't have a bunch of toys and she has a basket that holds the majority of them that is accessible to her. Maybe I'm just feeling stubborn but it doesn't like that "Kayla, its time to put your toys away so that we can eat/go/bathe/sleep/etc" should be a declaration of war. I feel like this is reasonable. Some of you more experienced moms, please check me if I'm wrong.

put her clothes on the chair-- we haven't given her a laundry basket yet and so I asked her to put her dirty clothes on the chair so I'd remember to wash them and she refused and gave me sass.

hold still so I can fix her hair-- What is a reasonable alternative? She wears her hair out at night but wants braids each morning. I would never cut her hair, so getting it shorter isn't an alternative.

get dressed (which she can do, just fine, all by herself)--With help, she picks out her own clothes out the night before for the next day whether she has school or not. Her mom lets her wear what she wants to, and I've been following that. Niece has a lot of solid color clothes and "obviously an outfit" clothes so not matching isn't as big of a problem.She has been moving gradually toward getting herself dressed for almost a year and can, as of a couple of months ago, go from wet and naked to dry and clothed (sans shoes) in under 10 minutes. She prefers to dress herself, but when I tell her to go and get dressed, I get lip. (Actually, maybe a schedule or routine chart for different parts of the day will help, here. Maybe...)

eat her food-- I know for a fact that this girl eats like a grown man if allowed. She isn't a picky eater and like our mom did with us, her mom (my sister) has never allowed her to waste food by playing with it or throwing it. I don't know why telling a 3yo who can use a spoon or fork to eat their food is viewed as too much. We grew up poor and food was precious and to be eaten. We went to bed hungry for as long as we wanted to until we were ready to eat. It honestly didn't take us long because our school didn't serve lunch back then and we eventually got hungry.

get your bag--

pick up your crayons--

put your plate away--

So how long before I should reasonably expect my niece to be able to follow simple commands, such as the above? I mostly get annoyed because she can get the bag, pick up the crayons and put her plate away (we've been eating off of paper plates so that we can keep the dishes low since Jr. was born and they can be thrown in the trash)--but she chooses to argue and defy instead.

 

"No, you do it" (Kicks the bag instead of picking it up)

"I don't want to. You can't make me." (throwing the box of crayons after I insisted she pick up the crayons.)

"Leave me alone" (Walking away from the table.)

She has some sass or naughty response to any random request that I or Hubby make throughout the day and its already grating on my nerves. I'm going to be calm about this though. Starting WW3, over a 3yos behavior isn't going to solve my problems but research and action should.

 

Her mom has worked to not use food based rewards and we don't have dessert after dinner. (We only eat sweets between 11am and 5pm at our house, but we're not big on sugary snacks anyway.) So "do X or no dessert" wouldn't really work. I'm not at all cool with her attitude but I'm really looking to work with her instead of against her if at all possible.

 

She is seeking power. Does she have responsibilities that would give her some power..for ex. with dressing, does she pick out her own outfit? 

She has total control over what she wears. She's been allowed to go out in pajamas or dress-up clothes if that's what she picked out. Now though her wardrobe is more standard and has lots of basic clothes that are a little harder to appear blatantly mis-matched (or neglected).

With meals, does she have a responsibility to set the table, pour drinks, etc -- things she can do and have a little variation in how to do it, without anyone's guidance.

She doesn't set the table but she gets her own drink and pours it in *her* cup. We don't  invite her input on meals simply because 1--It wouldn't be a genuine choice. The set of things on hand for eating is discrete and established. We stocked up on groceries right before she came to stay with us, we shouldn't need to grocery shop for another 15 days. I am not a talented or versatile cook :blush:  so the meals and dishes that I know how to prepare well is limited. We did get some of her preferred or favorite things though.

 

She is also seeking attention. As she gets used to having time with you, that will go away.  Do train her to spend part of the day entertaining herself w/o you or jr. She is an only child, so she plays by herself pretty well, though I think that the appeal of a new-baby is causing her to latch on to me a little more now. I have watched her before, but only for a couple of days at a time and usually only during the day. Once she gets used to being at our place, hopefully she will settle down.

 

Many of the things can be part of 'the way things are done in Auntie's house', just like she has 'the way things are done at preschool'.  Smile and guide, redirect until she learns the routine. Use some humor along with directness..."brush your teeth dear, you don't want to be mistaken for an ogre. A big girl like you can do it all by yourself, move along so you can have more time to play." "Now it's time to put plates away...you want to be first or second or third tonight?"..."Around here, we finish one thing before we start another...that means plates and dishes and table cleanup before we go out for evening playtime ..."

I will try, but honestly, her sass mouth and defiant streak is going to make me grey....

 

 

Someone recommended the book "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" which I bought.  (I was desperate and didn't want to beat my kid to death over what color underwear she was going to wear.  :p)  This helped me to direct the kids without getting emotional or stressed about it.

Ooh! I will look into, this! I wonder how quickly it can get here off of Amazon...

 

Another thing.  Since she is argumentative, she apparently has a need to talk and explain herself.  So when she's being good/normal, ask her some questions.  A good one is "what was/is your favorite thing about ___?"  Followed by, "why?"  It will keep her happy and occupied and fulfill her need to express herself without making anyone crazy.  ;)

Yeah, she is a chatter box. If the girl is awake, her mouth is open and running...I try and engage her as much as possible but I'm so glad that she is at PreK right now. A few hours of silence is bliss!

[mathmarm]

Since you only have the child for a short time, I'd resist the temptation to psychoanalyse or "fix" her. Consistency and time will so that. Mine were delightful at four. :)

 

When she's gone, read up on child development for a better sense of what's going on with her.

Boy, halloween doesn't seem to be a short time away. But in the grand scheme of things, it isn't that long.

I'm not looking to 'fix' her, I'm looking to coexist with her in a way that is mutually acceptable but right now, she is doing what she wants, how she wants and when. My instincts tell me this is unwise to allow to continue.

 

Hopefully she'll be home for her 4th B-day.

 

How is waiting until after our stint together is over to read up on the kid help me now? She is currently doing what she wants, my requests, thoughts and feelings be d4mned...

[SKL]

Being able to do something and being able to comply when asked to do it are two very different things for a toddler.

 

I read somewhere that kids' hormones around that time are in overdrive, similar to when they are in puberty.  So just tell yourself that you are dealing with someone who has PMS at all times.  (Preschooler Madness Syndrome?)

[SKL]

Oh my goodness, please don't expect her to care about your feelings.  That is not her responsibility.

 

Run to the library while she is in preschool and see if they have any helpful books.  :)

[Laura Corin]

Honestly, most of what you describe I would think of as totally normal for her age.  As an example: it looks to you as if 'put your toys away' is a normal and simple task.  But you probably don't remember your mother sitting on the ground with you, when you were that age, and talking you through it again, and again, and again.  It's not that she can't do it physically, but the task is overwhelming.  My head still rings with:

 

Okay, Hobbes.  You look a bit frustrated.  Let's do it together.  Now, here's a block.  Where do you think it should go?  Well, can you remember where we put it last time?  No?  Well, where are the other blocks?  Over there?  Shall we put this one in there too?  Okay, that's good.  Now, how about this soldier........

 

There are a myriad tasks that we take for granted because we don't remember learning how to do them.  For example, a child doesn't automatically know how to look for something that is lost, any more than s/he knows instinctively how to tie shoe laces.  Both are learned skills, but we don't remember that we had to learn the former.

 

Good luck!

 

L

 

[Dandelion]

Oh my goodness, please don't expect her to care about your feelings.  That is not her responsibility.

 

Run to the library while she is in preschool and see if they have any helpful books.  :)

 

I agree.  At this age, it's totally developmentally appropriate for her to see herself as the center of the universe.   :p

[mom2bee]

Music (and books) soothes the savage soul!

 

I say go to the library while she's at school if you can and get as many books on a scale that ranges from toddler to 1st grade level--as many as you can carry. Get some childrens' CDs and classical music, get contemporary albums too. Get a couple of videos and make an inviting book-nook where you guys can chill out and spend time there when at home.

 

You could read to Jr. and to your niece for as long as they are willing. Also, try and get in a lot of out door time. I know some 2-5 years old are bundles of chaos energy and starting each morning off with outdoor games and exercise can be transforming! I mean it, get out of bed, get some socks and shoes on and go outside for at least 30 minutes, just the two of you. Play chase, tag and ball. Roll down hills, push her on the swing or in the wagon, dig in the dirt and pile up the rocks.

 

Then go in and wash up, get dressed and eat. Then have some relaxing indoor time with toys or books, then maybe a game. Having high-energy mornings can really help kids 'settle' and leave them in a less-wired state so that they are more easily directed later on. When she is calm, have a talk about being respectful and kind to one another and decide together (using role-play if needed) what are some good responses and bad responses. Many girls have high verbal abilities and emotional sophistication at 3-5yo that they can't always use constructively without direct instruction.

 

 

[Forget-Me-Not]

Quit trying to discipline her into being something she isn't. Much of the obnoxious three year old behavior simply improves with time. She's not broken. This is an entirely normal developmental phase that is being compounded by the fact that she is in a new environment and testing you.

 

Your posts read as cold and almost clinical towards this child. She is still A BABY. Yes, she walks and talks and is much bigger than your newborn, but she is still a baby and she is family.

 

Again, limit access to the newborn and keep her busy. Make every potential battle into a game. She doesn't want to pick up crayons? Let's have a race to see who can pick up more. Relax your expectations

 

Quit overthinking this. You don't need to psychoanalyze. If you must read a book, look into "Playful Parenting". But really, just relax and be kind and play with her.

[nmoira]

come brush her teeth-- She brushes her teeth with supervision but does the motions mostly for herself. Once a day she gets a dry or water-only brushing that is meant to clean and remove build-ip

put her toys away-- Is it really unusual for a 3yo who is healthy, verbal and speaking fluently, as well as a little physically advanced to put their own stuff away? She doesn't have a bunch of toys and she has a basket that holds the majority of them that is accessible to her. Maybe I'm just feeling stubborn but it doesn't like that "Kayla, its time to put your toys away so that we can eat/go/bathe/sleep/etc" should be a declaration of war. I feel like this is reasonable. Some of you more experienced moms, please check me if I'm wrong.

put her clothes on the chair-- we haven't given her a laundry basket yet and so I asked her to put her dirty clothes on the chair so I'd remember to wash them and she refused and gave me sass.

hold still so I can fix her hair-- What is a reasonable alternative? She wears her hair out at night but wants braids each morning. I would never cut her hair, so getting it shorter isn't an alternative.

get dressed (which she can do, just fine, all by herself)--With help, she picks out her own clothes out the night before for the next day whether she has school or not. Her mom lets her wear what she wants to, and I've been following that. Niece has a lot of solid color clothes and "obviously an outfit" clothes so not matching isn't as big of a problem.She has been moving gradually toward getting herself dressed for almost a year and can, as of a couple of months ago, go from wet and naked to dry and clothed (sans shoes) in under 10 minutes. She prefers to dress herself, but when I tell her to go and get dressed, I get lip. (Actually, maybe a schedule or routine chart for different parts of the day will help, here. Maybe...)

eat her food-- I know for a fact that this girl eats like a grown man if allowed. She isn't a picky eater and like our mom did with us, her mom (my sister) has never allowed her to waste food by playing with it or throwing it. I don't know why telling a 3yo who can use a spoon or fork to eat their food is viewed as too much. We grew up poor and food was precious and to be eaten. We went to bed hungry for as long as we wanted to until we were ready to eat. It honestly didn't take us long because our school didn't serve lunch back then and we eventually got hungry.

get your bag--

pick up your crayons--

put your plate away--

So how long before I should reasonably expect my niece to be able to follow simple commands, such as the above? I mostly get annoyed because she can get the bag, pick up the crayons and put her plate away (we've been eating off of paper plates so that we can keep the dishes low since Jr. was born and they can be thrown in the trash)--but she chooses to argue and defy instead.

 

"No, you do it" (Kicks the bag instead of picking it up)

"I don't want to. You can't make me." (throwing the box of crayons after I insisted she pick up the crayons.)

"Leave me alone" (Walking away from the table.)

She has some sass or naughty response to any random request that I or Hubby make throughout the day and its already grating on my nerves. I'm going to be calm about this though. Starting WW3, over a 3yos behavior isn't going to solve my problems but research and action should.

 

Her mom has worked to not use food based rewards and we don't have dessert after dinner. (We only eat sweets between 11am and 5pm at our house, but we're not big on sugary snacks anyway.) So "do X or no dessert" wouldn't really work. I'm not at all cool with her attitude but I'm really looking to work with her instead of against her if at all possible.

 

Two, three and sometimes to a lesser degree four are the get-off-your-butt parenting years. It's also the let's-think-out-loud years. Most three yos simply don't have the kind of executive function development you're expecting.

 

Let's put your toys away so we can _____. Do you want to put away ____ or ____? OK, I'll start with this, you put _______ in/on ________. Hmmmm. What's left? Oh yes. You take that, and I'll take this.

 

Give choices, but not for every single step. The bang for the buck is at the beginning of the exchange. ETA: The trick for you is to maintain your own enthusiasm. Easier said than done.  :tongue_smilie:

 

Yes, you will get tired of hearing your own voice. If she doesn't do something after you ask twice. STOP. Ask yourself if you are being clear both as to what you're asking and where she should start. If no, clarify. Then either do it yourself or guide her physically to where you need her to be. Every time. Asking, asking, asking, demanding, threatening, develops a pattern that the child won't act until you threaten.

 

You have a new baby, and that's a time of tremendous adjustment. But this girl is away from her parents, in a strange place, with unpredictable people (not a judgement, but from her POV) that don't do things quite the way she's used to. If you can keep her reasonably fed, and active enough during the day that she sleeps at night.... that's a victory. Seriously. She may have a routine worked out at home, but yours isn't her home and you're not her parent. You are not part of her routine. Your home is not the home of her routine.

[nmoira]

Quit overthinking this. You don't need to psychoanalyze. If you must read a book, look into "Playful Parenting". But really, just relax and be kind and play with her.

 

That's a great book. :)

[Catwoman]

You are not this child's mother. I would think that, rather than being Disciplinarian Aunt, you should be concentrating on making her comfortable and making her happy, and worrying about her feelings.

 

You are focusing too much on the negatives, and quite frankly, you're being a bit selfish by making this all about you and your feelings, when your niece is a three year old little kid whose mom has left her, and she's probably worried and lonely, and wondering if her mom is ever going to come back and if she's ever going to get to go back home again.

 

Lighten up on the poor kid. She's just being a perfectly normal 3yo. I know you don't have any other kids to compare her to, so I understand why you're having a little trouble with her, and I'm sure she has created quite an upheaval in your normally-orderly home, but please try to see things from her perspective.

 

She truly does need a lot of extra attention right now, and I know it's hard with a new baby of your own. Perhaps it wasn't the best time for you to agree to this arrangement, but hopefully your sister will be back soon.

[SKL]

Another poster reminded me of this:  I decided I do not repeat myself more than 2x.  If I say something 3x something is very wrong.  Something needs to be changed up.  If reasonable methods don't work then an early bedtime or long time-out of a toy or other "drastic" measure is probably on the horizon.

[Dandelion]

When all else fails, give her a nice, long hug.

 

It's amazing how a hug can turn things around.  The child feels loved and accepted, and totally forgets about whatever he/she was doing.  And you forget how annoyed you were a moment ago and can get back to feeling loving towards the child.

 

It's hands-down the best and quickest attitude-adjuster (for kids and grown-ups) I know of.  We apply it liberally around here.   :)

[SKL]

To Dandelion's point, during adoption training we were taught to try "time-ins" rather than "time-outs" during the adjustment/bonding period.  This means you hold the child in a hug until she gets over her impulse/emotion.  This is not always easy for either participant.

 

Although you are not adopting this child, she is going through an adjustment period, and part of her issue may be that she doesn't know whether to trust you.  Of course being consistent in discipline will help this, but showing restraint and love are important too.

 

And with my kids, when I feel things threatening to spiral, I stop and ask if they need a hug.  There is no lesson so important that a hug must not delay it.

[freesia]

The "problem" with 3 is that they are inconsistant. They can do things and will do them willingly some of the time, but other times they don't. They really are still toddlers. It's like they are 1/2 way there. It's easy to see there switch between mature and immature as under their control, but it's not. It, honestly, is the hardest thing for me to deal with as a parent. I had a hard time with every single one of my children at 3. I answered your question in the quotes:

 

come brush her teeth-- She brushes her teeth with supervision but does the motions mostly for herself. Once a day she gets a dry or water-only brushing that is meant to clean and remove build-ip

 

It is VERY unusual to have a 3 yo brush their own teeth. I brush until 5 to make sure it's done well.

 

put her toys away-- Is it really unusual for a 3yo who is healthy, verbal and speaking fluently, as well as a little physically advanced to put their own stuff away? She doesn't have a bunch of toys and she has a basket that holds the majority of them that is accessible to her. Maybe I'm just feeling stubborn but it doesn't like that "Kayla, its time to put your toys away so that we can eat/go/bathe/sleep/etc" should be a declaration of war. I feel like this is reasonable. Some of you more experienced moms, please check me if I'm wrong.

 

This is hard for me, too. However, it is overwhelming to a 3 year old to have to clean up by themselves, even a "small, easily cleaned up mess". You need to get down and sit with them--make it a race.

 

put her clothes on the chair-- we haven't given her a laundry basket yet and so I asked her to put her dirty clothes on the chair so I'd remember to wash them and she refused and gave me sass.

 

This is reasonable to expect, but you probably will need to remind her. She shouldn't give you sass.

 

hold still so I can fix her hair-- What is a reasonable alternative? She wears her hair out at night but wants braids each morning. I would never cut her hair, so getting it shorter isn't an alternative.

 

No standing still, no braids. This is reasonable

 

get dressed (which she can do, just fine, all by herself)--With help, she picks out her own clothes out the night before for the next day whether she has school or not. Her mom lets her wear what she wants to, and I've been following that. Niece has a lot of solid color clothes and "obviously an outfit" clothes so not matching isn't as big of a problem.She has been moving gradually toward getting herself dressed for almost a year and can, as of a couple of months ago, go from wet and naked to dry and clothed (sans shoes) in under 10 minutes. She prefers to dress herself, but when I tell her to go and get dressed, I get lip. (Actually, maybe a schedule or routine chart for different parts of the day will help, here. Maybe...)

 

You should expect no lip. I have found that sometimes 3 yo will find getting dressed by themselves overwhelming. I don't know why. If she is overwhelmed, she should be taught to ask nicely for help.

 

eat her food-- I know for a fact that this girl eats like a grown man if allowed. She isn't a picky eater and like our mom did with us, her mom (my sister) has never allowed her to waste food by playing with it or throwing it. I don't know why telling a 3yo who can use a spoon or fork to eat their food is viewed as too much. We grew up poor and food was precious and to be eaten. We went to bed hungry for as long as we wanted to until we were ready to eat. It honestly didn't take us long because our school didn't serve lunch back then and we eventually got hungry.

 

3 yo are often very picky--all of a sudden, even if they never were. Some days they eat a lot, some days they don't. She should use a utensil, but don't make her eat. Serve a meal and snacks at regular time. If she doesn't eat, fine, but nothing but fruit until the next scheduled meal. Don't make this a big deal.

 

get your bag--

pick up your crayons--

put your plate away--

So how long before I should reasonably expect my niece to be able to follow simple commands, such as the above? I mostly get annoyed because she can get the bag, pick up the crayons and put her plate away (we've been eating off of paper plates so that we can keep the dishes low since Jr. was born and they can be thrown in the trash)--but she chooses to argue nd defy instead.

 

Not too much to expect with reminders.

It sounds like the arguing is your biggest problem. It would be a good idea to work with mom and teachers to come up with a consequence for arguing.

 

One idea is to ignore the arguing as start counting backwards from 10. If you get to 0 there is a consequence (room time, time off screen time, etc). One thing that worked well with one of my 3 yo was a smiley chart. We had 10 squares with smiley faces on one side, frowns on the other. If I got to 0 (or he did something he knew not to do, like lick the baby) I turned the smiley face to frown face. At the end of the day he got a book read to him for each smiley face that was still there (or you could do minutes of time alone with you).

 

3 yo are tough. Tougher than 2 yo, imo.

[SKL]

As for the hair issue, braid the hair before she goes to bed.  That will make it a lot easier to deal with the next day.

[catz]

I agree, she sounds like a 3 year old. I don't know the circumstances why she is with you and sleeping at your home, but this has likely been a very big upheaval for her. She isn't the enemy. I totally agree that 3 year olds are walking/talking babies. Life is a big experiment to them. The licking really isn't that big a deal in my world. I would keep the baby in a sling as much as possible and distract the 3 year old. Consider it good practice for when your own little one reaches this age. My kids drove me bananas from about 18 months to age 4. And yes, I would tell them no and redirect them. But it isn't unusual for the same thing to come up again and again and again. I really think there is a reason kids start school typically at 5. That is the age where instructions don't go in one ear and out the other. That can vary by child of course, but I've seen magical things happen to kids around age 5.

[mom2bee]

Quit trying to discipline her into being something she isn't. Much of the obnoxious three year old behavior simply improves with time. She's not broken. This is an entirely normal developmental phase that is being compounded by the fact that she is in a new environment and testing you.

 

Your posts read as cold and almost clinical towards this child. She is still A BABY. Yes, she walks and talks and is much bigger than your newborn, but she is still a baby and she is family.

 

Again, limit access to the newborn and keep her busy. Make every potential battle into a game. She doesn't want to pick up crayons? Let's have a race to see who can pick up more. Relax your expectations

 

Quit overthinking this. You don't need to psychoanalyze. If you must read a book, look into "Playful Parenting". But really, just relax and be kind and play with her.

While I agree with the "Don't over think this" bit, and that this behavior can improve with time. You seem a little harsh. I didn't get a cold or clinical sense from the OP's posts, maybe its just me though. Also, bad or undesirable behavior in children isn't going to just vanish with time, it has to be gradually modified and worked on.

 

I think that it should be worked on gently but steadily, but still worked on. Each problem has to be tackled in a way that is appropriate to the individual child and respectful of their capabilities and development. The OPs expectations aren't wildly inappropriate for a 3yo either, but perhaps a good deal ambitious seeing as how they only have a few weeks together. The girl has probably been at her PreK for close to a year now and has had ample time to learn the rules and develop bonds and relationships with her peers and teachers there.

 

I don't agree with the "make every potential battle into a game" idea. If the child can be encouraged to take a different course of action--and it seems that this particular 3yo could--then I say encourage them to take that action. But what that encouragement looks like will vary tremendously. Being direct isn't the "wrong" way while "make it a game" the right way. They are both effective methods but effective is dependent on both the baby sitter and the baby sat. Mathmarm, rethink what is a molehill and try to decide which behaviors/issues are Category One and thus must be worked on (bonding and respecting certain boundaries), starting now, and which are Category Two (basic, day to day commands) will lessen with improvement in category one. Focus your efforts on category one.

 

I am a fan of preventing trouble before it arrives. I try my hardest to set each child up for 3 successes to everyone 1 failure from early on. I give correction where needed, but try and sandwich it between compliments or cheers. "Good job, you put away all the toys, Sam! Great work--oh no, look! The crayons are in the wrong spot, can you put them in their spot?--Great job, buddy! Come get  a thumb-touch! YAY!"

 

I think that establishing bonds and boundaries is prerequisite to expecting a child to obey or comply with commands/instructions, mathmarm, so I'd say put a good bit of work into just bonding and talking with one another as much as possible. Try and show your niece the basics of what is or isn't 'acceptable' in your home. Role play with animals and by playing 'Mommy' with dolls or bears if needed. Talk about why some actions are good or bad and don't be devastated or unrattled by every refusal or 'failing' on either parties part.

 

Cooperation is a team effort. But don't expect equal effort from all the team-members.

 

Also, try and cuddle her and display affection 5x as often as you might want to correct or command her. Hug her, invite her to a tea party, take a long walk together and look at picture books. Go and play at a park, bake another batch of cookies, tell her stories.

 

One of my secret weapons for getting kids to cooperate is: Making stuff!

 

"Hey, Niece, want to be my buddy/helper so that we can make ____. It might be hard, but we can do it together if we work together, okay?"

 

I find that often times, making a difficult or clam-up-when-angry child my special buddy for a couple of projects helps ease them into following instructions because they want whatever is at the end of 'Effort-Rainbow' but they have to listen to me and comply in order to get it because we are making it.

 

You have to play to the kids strengths and not their weaknesses. I have spent years teaching young kids ages 2-6 how to do Task XYZ, it takes time, a million repetitions and a lot of peanut butter! But, eventually I can tell them to do Task XYZ and they can do it. They are confident, quick and capable at doing it.

 

So then people say: Wow, my 4/5/6 yo would never do that, or can't do that! You have a real gift with kids!

 

But I think "Yeah, right, sure...A gift" Please! It took hours and hours and hours of gradual work and training over many long months and often years to get to each point. People just don't see that, they glimpse the finished project and think that its easy.

 

Your right mathmarm, Halloween is both right around the corner and an eternity away. Hang in there, be positive, kind, forgiving and lenient. Be firm and get some perspective if it helps. You have a 3yo who is at your mercy and likely misses her mom. You can change her and you can effect her behaviors, but you should really prioritize and consider HOW you want to effect and change her.

 

Do you want to change a sad and upset child into a happy one? Do you want to change a defiant or naughty child into a compliant one? How badly do you want each change? What are some middle grounds that you could aim for instead?

 

:grouphug:  It can't be easy to juggle a newborn and a toddler you didn't expect to have at the same time. You can do this, but you are going to, ultimately, have to figure out the best 'how' by yourself. I think asking her teachers for suggestions and feedback could be useful. But just remember to handle her with kid gloves, okay?

[nmoira]

eat her food-- I know for a fact that this girl eats like a grown man if allowed. She isn't a picky eater and like our mom did with us, her mom (my sister) has never allowed her to waste food by playing with it or throwing it. I don't know why telling a 3yo who can use a spoon or fork to eat their food is viewed as too much. We grew up poor and food was precious and to be eaten. We went to bed hungry for as long as we wanted to until we were ready to eat. It honestly didn't take us long because our school didn't serve lunch back then and we eventually got hungry.

3 yo are often very picky--all of a sudden, even if they never were. Some days they eat a lot, some days they don't. She should use a utensil, but don't make her eat. Serve a meal and snacks at regular time. If she doesn't eat, fine, but nothing but fruit until the next scheduled meal. Don't make this a big deal.

 

Good advice. I'd just add resist the temptation to make your issue (about food) her issue. Thinking more about your own child here, but the absolute *last* place I'd want to set up a battle line if it can be at all avoided is food. Our culture is messed up enough about food already.

 

I'd make small amounts of high energy snacks available to her -- cheese cubes or string cheese, crackers and butter/nut butter, etc. -- and small fruit bowls.

[MFG]

I agree with both of these 100%!!!  I ask you to please show some mercy and love toward your niece.  She is a 3 year old little girl.  I know it is hard for you to truly imagine Junior in 3 years.  I'm sure he will be perfect...but he will be a 3 year old little boy.  Would you really want someone saying the things about him that you have said about your niece?  Washing his mouth out with *soap*.  Please show her some understanding and compassion.

 

And quit trying to make this kid into a project. This is simply another person, albeit a small one, that is staying with your family for a while. Respect her as a person, smooth over the bumps as best you can, and get on with enjoying your time together.

[LucyStoner]

Three is just two with practice.  

 

You need to calm down and stop expecting her to behave like a little adult.  She is not a little adult.  She is a big baby.  

 

My 4 year old son CAN do all of the things you list but he still needs help and reminders.  Give an instruction and then do it with her.  

 

Stop pathologizing normal childhood behaviors.  You can't control everything with her.  All you control is your reactions to her.  

 

Consider this a crash course in parenting.  Like it or not, your son will be three and he will in all likelihood do some of these very things.  

[SKL]

You might also want to ask her what she wants to eat.  "What do you like to eat for dinner on Wednesdays?"  If it is within the realm of reasonableness, consider letting her help you prepare/serve what she is used to.  She's used to whatever her mom does and may be missing that.  Battles aside, most parents (whether they admit it or not) take their kids' preferences into account when planning meals.

 

But regardless, food is a very common battleground in the homes of young children.  Some parents never really "get it right," and not for lack of trying. So don't worry about this.  Just keep food available (buffet style worked best for me) and let her eat.  If she wants to eat it with her toes, who cares as long as she doesn't starve to death by Halloween.  ;)

[clarkacademy]

I have some OCD issues so this is most likely cut throat. I would call her parents and demand she be removed at once. She would sit on the porch waiting for them and wouldn't be allowed back at my home until she could act normal. My children were taught very early about stuff. No finger sucking, nose picking junk in my house. I simply cannot handle it at all. A friend had a little girl that always had her finger stuck up her nose she wasn't allowed in my home. My little girl completely freaked on a kid who picked her nose then touched my daughters doll house. She told her to leave they were not friends she didn't play with nasty kids. She was 4 LOL! I don't care if it is cruel or anything else you wanna say I will have no tolerance for nasty in my house. A child putting their mouth on my baby would never happen more than once.

 

I had a niece who bit my baby once, it happened once. She is 9 now, I still have no contact. Yes I was raised the same way. Licking my baby would freak me out to know end just reading it made my skin crawl.

[Audrey]

Since you only have the child for a short time, I'd resist the temptation to psychoanalyse or "fix" her. Consistency and time will so that. Mine were delightful at four. :)

 

When she's gone, read up on child development for a better sense of what's going on with her.

 

 

I agree.  OP, you are really overanalysing this little girl.  This is not rocket science.  This is a toddler.  She is normal.  She is 3. 

 

From your descriptions of conversations with her, you are also egregiously over-explaining things to her.  Don't bother.  She will not be listening and, to her, you will start to sound like the adults on Charlie Brown. She isn't going to get your brilliant explanations and rationales. She is 3. 

 

So... Keep. It. Very. Simple.  Don't over explain.  Don't overload her.  Choose your words carefully because 3 year olds can be quite the little literalists. Don't assume she has basic knowledge of anything.  She doesn't.  She is 3.

 

Be prepared to repeat simple explanations often, but keep them simple. She is 3.

 

If you see her doing something inappropriate, ask her why.  You may be surprised at where she came up with such ideas.  Don't try to overanalyse her motivations.  She is doing what she sees and has learned from those around her because she is 3.

[8circles]

I agree with both of these 100%!!!  I ask you to please show some mercy and love toward your niece.  She is a 3 year old little girl.  I know it is hard for you to truly imagine Junior in 3 years.  I'm sure he will be perfect...but he will be a 3 year old little boy.  Would you really want someone saying the things about him that you have said about your niece?  Washing his mouth out with *soap*.  Please show her some understanding and compassion.      

 

I agree with this.  I don't want to be harsh towards you, but I'm cringing with each post you make about this.  I feel really sad for your niece. Please think about what you are doing to her.  She needs someone to love her, not try to make her behave.  She's only 3.  For all intents and purposes now, you are in the role of her parent who should be loving her & modeling love.  Behavior is secondary here - her life is unstable right now & you are worried about getting her toys picked-up.  Please, please, please step back from this & just love her.

[waa510]

5. Without a moment's hesitation, 5. BUT, I would act like it's no biggie and wear my baby when she's over, as pps said. FYI, that age is huge about attention and will do anything for it.

 

I agree it's beyond nasty, though. It should resolve itself soon if you act like you don't care.

[NotSoObvious]

I have some OCD issues so this is most likely cut throat. I would call her parents and demand she be removed at once. She would sit on the porch waiting for them and wouldn't be allowed back at my home until she could act normal. My children were taught very early about stuff. No finger sucking, nose picking junk in my house. I simply cannot handle it at all. A friend had a little girl that always had her finger stuck up her nose she wasn't allowed in my home. My little girl completely freaked on a kid who picked her nose then touched my daughters doll house. She told her to leave they were not friends she didn't play with nasty kids. She was 4 LOL! I don't care if it is cruel or anything else you wanna say I will have no tolerance for nasty in my house. A child putting their mouth on my baby would never happen more than once.

 

I had a niece who bit my baby once, it happened once. She is 9 now, I still have no contact. Yes I was raised the same way. Licking my baby would freak me out to know end just reading it made my skin crawl.

 

Are you being completely serious?

 

You have niece you haven't had contact with in years because when she was little she bit your baby?

 

Do you never make mistakes?

 

You don't have any habits that others might find intolerable?

[LucyStoner]

 

 

I had a niece who bit my baby once, it happened once. She is 9 now, I still have no contact. Yes I was raised the same way. Licking my baby would freak me out to know end just reading it made my skin crawl.

 

When I think of the richness being added to my sons' lives because of their 5 cousins, I shudder to think of the loss of that bond over one instance of developmentally normal behavior.  Seriously, it's your family's loss if that is the ONLY thing that keeps you estranged from a COUSIN.  My 4 year old niece and 4 year old son occasionally spar like 4 year olds are inclined to do when they both have eyes for the same toy.  That's maybe 2% of their interactions. I am pretty sure my niece, who was a biter, bit all of us at one point or another.  The other 98% of their time together is spent hand in hand, hip to hip excitedly exploring and playing together.  That's a lot to give up over a SINGLE biting incident.  You can bet my 10 year old with autism has had some behavioral doozies around his cousins from time to time.  He also will sit there and patiently help his 6 and 7 year old cousins with their reading.  

 

I think your suggestions speak to your OCD and not a typical, healthy reality.  Lots of things in life are nasty.  Like dirty diapers and vomit.  But I am sure your don't toss your kids out for an especially vile bowel movement.  Anyone who would make a pretty normal sounding 3 year old sit on a front porch waiting for their parents to come and get them early isn't someone who should be entrusted with the care of 3 year old children.