Difficulty getting over IL's broken commitment to DS ... What would you do?

[SLT]

Without getting into too many specifics, I'd like to know how you would feel/what you would do in a similar situation. 

 

FIL approached us in the Spring and asked if we would commit to contributing a small amount to our DS's savings account if he would match that (specific) amount each week for one year. He wanted him to have a certain amount at the end of the year. 

 

We eagerly agreed, and have been direct depositing money into DS's account every week since. FIL has been flighty about actually depositing any of it, and DH has had to remind him nearly every week. 

 

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. FIL told DH that he can no longer contribute, and will not finish out his commitment (to be clear, it is not for lack of being able to afford it). He completed five months of what was originally a one year commitment from him. We have some major other issues with my ILs (boundaries, etc) but this feels like the straw that broke the camel's back to me. 

While I understand it was/is a gift, and it is his money to spend as he sees fit, the fact that he put so little effort into a commitment to his grandchild that HE approached us about is so tough for me to get over. 

 

I am disappointed and hurt. Maybe I am overreacting... I have avoided talking to him or MIL since (though there have been a few words) and they live close to us. I can't avoid them forever. DH is equally upset, maybe more than I am, at his  father. Is this something I just need to get over and move on or do you think I should discuss our disappointment and hurt with them?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Honestly, I would be grateful for having 5 months worth as a gift and would be equally grateful that I was motivated into putting money away as I believe is my responsibility.  

[Laurie4b]

Does your ds know that he made this commitment?

It seems like an odd arrangement and more of control of you as adults. Why would his contribution be based on your contribution? It's more like he broke his commitment to you two, but the whole thing seems odd.

He mentioned he was going to give a gift to you and gave one, but it wasn't as big as the one he mentioned. Unless ds was counting on the money (ie it was for college or something), it doesn't seem like a big transgression to me.

 

[bolt.]

I make it a point to never discuss my feelings with unsafe people -- particularly not vulnerable feelings like hurt and disappointment.

 

It sounds like he didn't anticipate you taking it so seriously that he would have to cough up every week. He may be feeling like he offered it to a family who 'couldn't afford' to save for their own kids -- and now might feel quite negatively about your demonstration that you always "could" save. On the other hand, it might have been manipulative from the start (to teach you that you "could" save) and he now considers his point made, and has ceased to care about it now.

 

Anyhow, no matter what, you are entitled to your feelings, but I don't see any sense in sharing them.

[zoobie]

I would want to know why they came to you with this idea, made it a huge hassle, then backed out. That's so strange! It would definitely affect my feelings toward them as well and the WTH of it would drive me nuts. I guess I'd try to ignore it and work on the other boundary issues if the relationship is otherwise healthy for DS.

 

So weird. I'm sorry!

[Catwoman]

Let your dh handle any discussions with his parents. If he is really hurt about this, he should have a talk with them, to clear the air, if nothing else.

[bettyandbob]

You've had other issues previously. I would never ever count on money from a family member with whom I've had issues. 

 

If this was just to get a savings plan started for ds with no specific purpose or maybe some long term education savings, I'd just let it go. I'd keep the account, contribute when I could. I might reinvest it in a better savings instrument. But I'd let it go and never say another word to ILs. I'd also make no plans around anything ILs say regarding giving money. I'd make it clear to ds when he got older that if grandpa says he's giving him money for college, ds should not count on it at all, but thank grandpa if it did happen. 

 

Was the money for something specific. A trip? a computer? I'd back out of funding the thing or get ds involved in raising the funds. 

[marbel]

It seems very weird to me, but I agree with those who say to let your husband handle it.   Our family rule is: inlaws don't engage. 

 

I think I understand how you feel.  I would be very angry and confused if my inlaws suggested such an arrangement and then backed out.  It is still a gift, and I agree that we should be grateful for any gifts.  My gut reaction would be to send all the money back.  That is childish, I know.  And I'm not saying I would actually do it. What I would do is tell my husband how I felt, and then let him deal with it as he thought best.   But it would be pretty upsetting to me.  I'd never say a word to my inlaws though. 

 

(Now, if my parents had done such a thing... there would be words.  But I could always be direct with my folks.)

[SLT]

Oh DH certainly does handle any issues with his parents. We have been together since young teenagers as well, though, so sometimes I let my feelings show. Sometimes I am a little too comfortable with them! 

 

While the money was ear-marked in a college savings plan, DS is not old enough to know or care (though I still feel like it was a broken promise to him- stupid, I know- and I think that is why I am so hurt). 

 

DH and I live on about 1/10 of the money that IL's do, but we have always been good savers and were actually saving close to that same amount anyway. So, I don't think it was him trying to get us to save for DS (as we made it obvious that we had been). We are very frugal with our money, Dave Ramsey style with no debt (thank God we paid that off before I became a SAHM because we have about as tight of a budget as we can). 

 

Thanks for the advice so far. I think  I will stay away or keep my distance for a while longer and let DH take DS over there if he wants to. Obviously, I don't want to keep DS from his grandparents, but going over there at this point is just too much for me. 

[SLT]

Let your dh handle any discussions with his parents. If he is really hurt about this, he should have a talk with them, to clear the air, if nothing else.

 

DH has actually had several discussions with his dad about the subject. While likely immature, DH suggested that trimming his adult brother's illegal drug habit "allowance" might be a better way to save some cash if that was his intention. (Couldn't believe that he said it when he told me!)

 

Today, FIL texted DH all day telling him about different pricey things he bought (obviously his right) that sent DH over the edge. He was upset that he broke the commitment, then bragged to him about all of the new things he is buying. DH called FIL who ended up telling him in their discussion that the main issue is MIL, who is a major over-spender. 

 

He says she needs to reign in the spending (she literally has hundreds of dollars in packages daily coming into their house), and then maybe he can afford to contribute. Obviously, I am not counting on it, and honestly (immature, I know- similar in feelings to the above poster who said she would probably want to send it back!), I am thinking of changing DS's account numbers for possible security concerns (well, to make a point as well).

[lmrich]

It is a lesson for you to learn. Tuck that knowledge away and learn to accept him for who he is. You can not trust them. So don't. Let the anger go. It is only hurting you.

[Jean in Newcastle]

So. . . he does have a reason for stopping to contribute at the moment - your MILs problem with spending.  It sounds like it is out-of-control and that he is rightly concerned about it.  It really isn't your place to decide if it is enough of a problem to stop contributing - I would assume that there are enough personal boundaries that you don't know all the finer details of their bank account.  I would give them the courtesy of assuming that he really does love his grandson and his son and dil and would contribute as he is able to, when he is able to.  That's great that you were already contributing.  He was very generous in matching what you had told him that you were contributing so that it would accrue that much faster.  His generosity was not an obligation even if he  had set it up on a monthly basis.  

[marbel]

He says she needs to reign in the spending (she literally has hundreds of dollars daily coming into their house), and then maybe he can afford to contribute. Obviously, I am not counting on it, and honestly (immature, I know- similar in feelings to the above poster who said she would probably want to send it back!), I am thinking of changing DS's account numbers for possible security concerns (well, to make a point as well).

 

Um, this might not be an outlandish idea.  Do your in-laws have the ability to make withdrawals on the account?  Or do they just have the account # so they can make deposits?

 

I am a suspicious person by nature, so take my comment with a large grain of salt. (I have some nice coarse salt on my margarita sitting here beside me; I give it all to you.)    I would consider that if I had a reasonable idea that withdrawals could be a risk.  

 

[SLT]

Um, this might not be an outlandish idea.  Do your in-laws have the ability to make withdrawals on the account?  Or do they just have the account # so they can make deposits?

 

I am a suspicious person by nature, so take my comment with a large grain of salt. (I have some nice coarse salt on my margarita sitting here beside me; I give it all to you.)    I would consider that if I had a reasonable idea that withdrawals could be a risk.  

 

 

We are suspicious people too ;) You are in good company. I don't want to go into too many identifying details (although, lets be honest- if MIL happened to be on this forum, she'd be dense if she didn't know this was about us)... while ILs only have account numbers to deposit, they also have some relationships with the institution we save through that could interfere with his account. 

 

Let me be clear that FIL would never, ever take money from DS's account. While he has major boundary issues, and apparently commitment issues with us, that is not something I could ever see happening. 

 

And having said that, I still think it is probably a good idea to change account numbers for my son's financial safety. 

[Harriet Vane]

Yes, your feelings of hurt are reasonable, but unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it. It was a gift. Be glad that a gift was given (if incompletely) and walk away.

 

Yes, change the account numbers. Pronto. I doubt they would steal from your ds, but you have one family member with a spending problem and one with a drug habit. Change the account immediately.

[SLT]

P.S. I love Margarita Salt. Pass it over! 

[Parrothead]

Way to go to your dh. Yeah, I'm immature like that too. I'm glad he said what he did though.

 

Change the account numbers. Shoot, I'd go so far as to change banks. Maybe keep $1 in the original account so FIL can contribute at some later date. But don't count on that.

 

You say your ds is to young to know what is going on. Don't tell him. Chances are this won't be the first time he is disappointed by family. Maybe a reminder that you are the gatekeeper. If they mess around with your ds too much you do have the ability to severe contact. I wouldn't do it for one incident. But If they keep happening I would.

[SLT]

Yes, your feelings of hurt are reasonable, but unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it. It was a gift. Be glad that a gift was given (if incompletely) and walk away.

 

Yes, change the account numbers. Pronto. I doubt they would steal from your ds, but you have one family member with a spending problem and one with a drug habit. Change the account immediately.

Thank you for your response. I guess my main concern here was my wondering if I was reasonable in my feelings, or if I was being a complete spoiled brat for being upset. I am thankful for the gift to DS so far, hurt that the commitment was broken, and ready to move on. Thanks again! 

[Laurie4b]

I wouldn't change the that account, but I wouldn't put any more of my money in it.

 

It seems that the issues are bigger than "he made a commitment and didn't follow up on it.' It sounds more like: they spend their money in ways that we think are unfair: MIL overspends, FIL buys expensive things, and apparently in-laws give to a brother with a drug habit.

 

I do understand that comparisons hurt. I also understand that you money is tight for you and so this lack of follow-through was a disappointment.

 

But I think it's just better to say that their money is theirs to spend. You aren't actually entitled to any of it even if it seems unfair how the money gets spent otherwise. Really, let it go. Accept gifts when they come, but don't count on them, even emotionally,  in the future. You and your dh are making your own way in an admirable fashion.

 

Try to look at it not as what you didn't get, but as what you did. Some people don't have any source of outside help. You got some.

 

It's perfectly natural psychologically to be thinking: we were expecting x amount. We only got x-7. That is disappointing. However, you can change perspective to say, we could have gotten 0 and we got 5.

 

He intended to be more generous. You could honor his intention and excuse or forgive his human failing that did not keep up with his intention.

 

 

 

[Parrothead]

Feelings aren't always reasonable. But a broken commitment is disappointing. Then the momma bear comes out if the slight involves our children. I think you are justified in being upset with FIL. Holding a grudge for the next 10 years would be being unreasonable.

 

This is a small thing. Learn from it so a bigger disappointment doesn't happen in the future.

[lynn]

I would just let it go. 

[gardenmom5]

I'm very sorry.  you are not over-reacting.  he's proven he is undependable at best.  (manipulative at worst). 

 

perhaps he didn't think you'd actually deposit the money on a regular basis - so he could come off as generous, and make you look bad.  you did say there are boundary issues.

 

I would no longer trust anything he says.  everything he said would be taken with a grain of salt.  if your ds knows, and asks, he needs to be told grandpa is flighty - and it is NOT a reflection upon him.   .

[Mrs Mungo]

I would let it go and figure maybe he was just thinking out loud and/or running his head, thinking to encourage me to save money in dd's name. I wouldn't consider it a solemn bow or anything. But, maybe I am fairly jaded to such things.

[NoseInABook]

I would be annoyed too but there isn't anything you can do about it if he chooses not to gift your DS the money now. I'd probably put some space in between us for a smidge until I was able to see them without wanting to say something snarky.;)

[Danestress]

I don't think this should be furthered dwelled on or discussed. It is unfortunate, but your FIL started with generous intentions and has gifted you money, just not what he promised.

 

I would save my energy to work on the other boundary issues.

 

In general, the more boundary issues you have with a family member, the more careful you have to be about accepting gifts and money. From the beginning, there was something patronizing about this plan - like you And DH need your parents to make an incentive plan to save for your kids. They are your kids. You are parents. Their financial needs are your problem, not FIL's, and perhaps DH should have said, "no thanks, Dad, we have it covered" to start with.

[DawnM]

I would be very upset. However, since it is your DH's parents, I would let him deal with it.

 

I can take all the crap our parents throw us, but as soon as it effects my children, I get very upset.

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:

[Donna]

I would do nothing and be thankful for the gift he already gave.

[Pippen]

I'd be very upset with myself for setting high hopes on a family member who has an established history of being unreliable.

 

Lesson learned. Say nothing. Move the money you've contributed into a different account and don't enter into any more financial agreements with FIL.

[Tammyla]

:iagree:

I don't think this should be furthered dwelled on or discussed. It is unfortunate, but your FIL started with generous intentions and has gifted you money, just not what he promised.

I would save my energy to work on the other boundary issues.

In general, the more boundary issues you have with a family member, the more careful you have to be about accepting gifts and money. From the beginning, there was something patronizing about this plan - like you And DH need your parents to make an incentive plan to save for your kids. They are your kids. You are parents. Their financial needs are your problem, not FIL's, and perhaps DH should have said, "no thanks, Dad, we have it covered" to start with.

 

[Mom2TheTeam]

I've read some of these responses, not all.  I've had this same type of thing happen to us a couple times with both sides of our family.  We no longer trust my husband's side of the family to follow through because of it.  Twice we have made decisions based on on commitments they made and it affected us a lot more than just not having the savings we intended.  They were very specific commitments, initiated by them, and clearly broken. Both situations with my IL's left us in a pretty unsettling situation, both costing us a a good amount of money that we would not have needed to spend if they had never made the original commitment, which they initiated.  We no longer trust them to keep commitments especially regarding money.  The situation with my family was very different and while we were, and still are, a little miffed, we still trust them, but with a grain of salt if that makes sense.

 

The money promised was a gift, absolutely, but it was also a commitment your FIL made, to both you and your son, that he broke.  It really isn't the money part that hurts.  It's the broken commitment and subsequent loss of trust and respect.  It's also a feeling like you are not as important to them as you feel like you were or should be.  My IL's also had no reason to go back on their commitment.  They definitely could have afforded it, and yes, I do know this for sure.  They just decided they didn't want to.  The commitment they made to us was not important enough to keep.  It hurt our feelings as would any broken commitment from them (and there have been MANY that were not financial and hurt us just as much or more). 

 

I just wanted you to know that your feelings of hurt and disappointment are valid. You aren't alone. I wouldn't hold a grudge over it or let it cloud everything, but I would definitely proceed with caution when it comes to trusting them to follow through on any commitment they make, financial or otherwise.  Hugs to you.

[gardenmom5]

I would save my energy to work on the other boundary issues.

 

In general, the more boundary issues you have with a family member, the more careful you have to be about accepting gifts and money.

this.

people with boundary issues rarely give gifts for altruistic reasons.  I know you say these are nice people - but nice people don't play these kinds of games.  nice people do NOT have "boundary issues". 

 

there is treatment for your mil's shopping addiction, but it doesn't sound like she's the type of person to seek help.

 

I would also just let the subject of the no-longer being given gift drop - it's not worth it in the long run. 

 

change the account numbers - change institutions (I would leave the other account open, just transfer the funds to a new account.).   just because you can't foresee him taking money out of an account into which he's deposited significant money doesn't mean he might not try if things change enough.  or someone else in that family might try if they come across the information on his desk or such.  (think shopaholic or illegal drug user getting cut off)

[Halftime Hope]

^{I'm with many of the others in that I'd be upset, but then I'd think through it and realize that I needed to give myself an attitude adjustment for my own sake.}

 

^{1) He didn't keep his commitment, and he didn't speak with your dh in an open, straightforward manner when he wasn't able to live up to what he had promised.  I think we can all understand that things happen, and he can no more force your MIL to restrain her spending than I can make one of my adult offspring do this or that.  He is probably between a rock and a hard place on the other spending choices, too.   If he called your dh, happy about the purchases, you can understand that its not that simple, and it may be a co-dependency kind of a deal--they're both involved in the spending problems.}

 

^{I know that if I took this line of thinking (about their finances) any further, that would put me over appropriate, healthy boundary lines regarding the in-laws' financial habits.  (I know he opened the door by initiating this, but you have to decide if you want to "go there.")}

 

^{2)  I would not hold their financial issues against them, but I do think that, six months down the road once the hurt has subsided, your dh should make it clear to him that--even though you love them and your heart is in the right place--you all will not be able to bail them out if they don't have financial means in the future:  your obligation will be to take care of your growing family.  'Nuf said.}

 

^{3)  Finally, moving the bulk of the money to a more savvy investment vehicle--something like a 529 plan--where he cannot touch it, nor can the other relatives, would protect your son's assets and the money that you've set aside.  It would also prevent your FIL from the pressure of being coerced into liquidating that asset.  I would leave the account open with a minimal amount in it.  Your moving it to a 529 is a clear message that your intention is to honor what he desired, setting it aside for ds' needs.  : )  That keeps him "the hero," at least in his own mind.}

 

 

[gardenmom5]

 

 

1)  he can no more force your MIL to restrain her spending .  

If he's paying her bills, he can absolutely reduce her spending.  He can take away credit cards. he can put limits on credit cards that she uses - so when she hits her limit, she's done. etc. because stores won't accept the card.   He can put a notice with credit agencies she's not allowed to use his income as a source for opening credit accounts.  take away checkbooks and make her live with a cash allowance only.  or a debit card that shuts down when the limit is reached, rather than charging a credit card for the overdraft.

 

my mil is a shopaholic.  when dh has done her finances, he sure as heck could control her spending.  her last husband controlled her spending (until his health failed and she started shopping like mad again. and he was NO LONGER a millionaire.)

 

incidentally - spending addictions like this can respond to a type of antidepressant therapy.  they spend for the "high".

[Halftime Hope]

If he's paying her bills, he can absolutely reduce her spending.  He can take away credit cards. he can put limits on credit cards that she uses - so when she hits her limit, she's done. etc. because stores won't accept the card.   He can put a notice with credit agencies she's not allowed to use his income as a source for opening credit accounts.  take away checkbooks and make her live with a cash allowance only.  or a debit card that shuts down when the limit is reached, rather than charging a credit card for the overdraft.

 

my mil is a shopaholic.  when dh has done her finances, he sure as heck could control her spending.  her last husband controlled her spending (until his health failed and she started shopping like mad again. and he was NO LONGER a millionaire.)

 

incidentally - spending addictions like this can respond to a type of antidepressant therapy.  they spend for the "high".

 

You know; you're right--it can be done under extreme conditions. 

 

But first of all, there's a huge, huge gray area in which it would be very difficult for a spouse to bring themselves to do something like this.  The more blatant it is, the easier it may be for a spouse to take action.

 

And it is very difficult to do if the money belongs to the couple, i.e. it is theirs (not his) to begin with.  If this is the case, it is very, very difficult to get it locked down.  We tried to help a senior with similar issues and it was very, very tough slogging with the financial institutions.

[gardenmom5]

You know; you're right--it can be done under extreme conditions. 

 

But first of all, there's a huge, huge gray area in which it would be very difficult for a spouse to bring themselves to do something like this.  The more blatant it is, the easier it may be for a spouse to take action.

 

And it is very difficult to do if the money belongs to the couple, i.e. it is theirs (not his) to begin with.  If this is the case, it is very, very difficult to get it locked down.  We tried to help a senior with similar issues and it was very, very tough slogging with the financial institutions.

you're talking access to a bank account.  cm cards can be cut up and checkbooks taken away - the spender would have to go inside to get cash.  money doesn't have to be deposited into that account.  it's doable. credit cards can be cut up. 

none of those things require any support from the financial institution.  conniving spouses getting ready to leave do this type of stuff, stashing/moving money, all the time.  the financial institutions don't stop them from moving the money without their spouse signature.

[dsmith]

I honestly wouldn't be upset about a broken commitment related to money, unless it involved not paying a loan back. Financial situations can change. We may not like or agree with the reasons they change. My initial thoughts from reading your posts is that there may be some co-dependency issues going on in the house, and that MIL is not the only one with a spending problem. I wouldn't count on any commitments made by either of them. I would be more upset about time commitments being broken. This has happened a few times with my in-laws. They would cancel a visit to ds 20 minutes before they were due to arrive, and I would later find out they were at my sil's house. My son would be devastated when they didn't show up. We stopped telling him if they were coming to visit. That used to infuriate me!!! 

[MicheleinMN]

Thank you for your response. I guess my main concern here was my wondering if I was reasonable in my feelings, or if I was being a complete spoiled brat for being upset. I am thankful for the gift to DS so far, hurt that the commitment was broken, and ready to move on. Thanks again! 

 

I would be VERY upset that the commitment was broken.  I also would no longer trust that person when they attempted to make any other commitments, and would keep my family members from making any new commitments with or involving him/her.

 

And while I probably would hope I could keep my mouth shut, it probably wouldn't happen that way. :(

[MicheleinMN]

Thank you for your response. I guess my main concern here was my wondering if I was reasonable in my feelings, or if I was being a complete spoiled brat for being upset. I am thankful for the gift to DS so far, hurt that the commitment was broken, and ready to move on. Thanks again! 

 

I would be VERY upset that the commitment was broken.  I also would no longer trust that person when they attempted to make any other commitments, and would keep my family members from making any new commitments with or involving him/her.

 

And while I probably would hope I could keep my mouth shut, it probably wouldn't happen that way. :(

[zoobie]

DH has actually had several discussions with his dad about the subject. While likely immature, DH suggested that trimming his adult brother's illegal drug habit "allowance" might be a better way to save some cash if that was his intention. (Couldn't believe that he said it when he told me!)

 

Today, FIL texted DH all day telling him about different pricey things he bought (obviously his right) that sent DH over the edge. He was upset that he broke the commitment, then bragged to him about all of the new things he is buying. DH called FIL who ended up telling him in their discussion that the main issue is MIL, who is a major over-spender.

 

He says she needs to reign in the spending (she literally has hundreds of dollars in packages daily coming into their house), and then maybe he can afford to contribute. Obviously, I am not counting on it, and honestly (immature, I know- similar in feelings to the above poster who said she would probably want to send it back!), I am thinking of changing DS's account numbers for possible security concerns (well, to make a point as well).

DH should stop engaging with him on these issues. Ignore texts about purchases. Reply only to normal stuff. In person, if FIL brings up MIL's spending, tell him that is between him and his wife and the subject makes DH uncomfortable to discuss. DH will never change their behavior. If he wants as healthy/tolerable relationship as possible, just don't engage on any money issues.

 

That sounds frustrating! DH must want to knock their heads together.