What is the nicest way to say this?

[Stayseeliz]

My children take piano with a local pastor's wife. They've done really well and we're pleased with their progress. I'm hoping to continue lessons.

 

The piano teacher has three children who are in school so they're normally not there during our early afternoon sessions. Her youngest is around the same age as my oldest DD and they have played together twice since she's been out of school during DS's lesson while I am there. The teacher has mentioned having playdates a few times and I didn't think much of it. But last week she was wanting me to leave both my big kids at her house so she could take them to craft time at her church and she wants to me to drop my daughter off at her house for a playdate with her daughter.

 

The issue is that we don't do unsupervised playdates at all. I was exposed to explicit material at a playdate when I was young and that combined with a few other things just makes unsupervised playdates unattractive to me. We have only known this family about 5 months and she has two teenage sons. I'm not saying that the sons will do anything but I don't know them and I just don't feel comfortable leaving my daughter there without me.

 

I asked a friend who also doesn't do unsupervised playdates how she handles these things. She said she usually just makes excuses, etc. I'd really rather not do that since we are going to see this family every single week this summer and it will be brought up every single week if I don't say something. But I really don't want to offend her and I don't want to lose the relationship. We're not "buddies" but we're friendly and she's a good teacher. How do I word this when the topic comes up this afternoon?

 

I know others don't agree with the stance we take on unsupervised playdates but that it what I'm comfortable with.

[ChristusG]

That's a tough one! I'm interested in some answers as well since we don't really do playdates without me either.

[Twigs]

I would simply say something like, "Our family does not do unsupervised playdates. We will have to choose I time when I can be present." Never, never, never give a reason or excuse, just keep repeating your chosen response.

[bettyandbob]

I think you just have to be up front. "Dh and I have decided as a family that we will not do activities unsupervised by one of us. I realize this limits time our dc can interact. I hope dd and your dd can still enjoy time together during lessons."

 

It will be awkward, but if you don't you will have to make excuses.

[jelbe5]

It is well within your rights not to allow unsupervised play dates, etc. I would just be honest and say that, at this time, it is the decision and family policy of your husband and you not to allow your children play dates without you being present. You don't need to give any additional explanation and you certainly don't need to justify your actions by discussing what happened to you as a youngster, unless you choose to. You may want to suggest an activity you may all participate in together if you feel so inclined, such attending a craft fair together, or a park day, etc.

[Chelle in MO]

You could say something like, "We have a family policy of the kids not being w/out a parent at these ages."

 

And if she objects, say, "It might seem odd to you, but it's the way we've chosen to handle our kids. I hope it won't affect our friendship."

[GailV]

I agree with just being up front. You don't have to have a big discussion about WHY you've chosen to not allow this activity.

 

We allow sleepovers. Some other families do not. It is SO MUCH EASIER if a parent says, "We don't allow sleepovers at this age," than leaving us to wonder why they keep declining invitations. And, really, I don't delve into the reasons why they made the decision -- I figure the reasons probably don't have anything to do with me personally.

[LostSurprise]

"I hope you won't take offense at this...but I had a very bad experience at a playdate as a child...because of this its been our policy to have a parent at any playdate, no matter who the family is. I understand that complicates things, especially with parents who are more relaxed. We'd love to set up something when its convenient to come together. I know X (your daughter) and X (her daughter) enjoy playing together."

[bolt.]

I don't think it's at all impolite at all to say, "O, what a nice offer, but the thing is I don't allow unsupervised play dates. Is there something else we might arrange? Perhaps we could all have a snack and play time before/after lessons, etc."

 

I don't even think it would be awkward. Maybe there's something about the situation I'm not fully grasping?

[Tita Gidge]

I'd probably self-deprecate:

 

"You know how we all have A Thing? This is my thing; I'm weird about playdates. I'm not yet comfortable with my kids having playdates without me or DH there. It's nothing personal, it's just My Thing. I know this will cramp things a bit, but I know how much the girls love playing together so hopefully we can ride it out for now."

 

You have your reasons, and though you don't HAVE to go into them ... sometimes the path is smoothed by at least hinting at them. Some people will take it personally no matter, but most reasonable people will understand that we ALL have A Thing and this is yours. Since it's not the norm they may find it a bit weird, so why not address that head on and spare the awkward potential inferences :)

 

My daughter has a friend whose parents are more strict about unsupervised playdates. The girls are 7. Unfortunately it limits how often the girls can play because I can't always host another adult. The rest of my kids are all boys, 11 up to 20s. But per GailV's suggestion upthread, I do appreciate that the mom let me know upfront that it was her - not us. Otherwise I'd have assumed they didn't care for us, and the excuses were subtle clues to bugger-off. And then I'd have started to distract my own daughter from developing that relationship. And in your case that would also affect lessons. Definitely don't want to do that!

[Murphy101]

I'd just say you don't do drop off things and would she like to go to the zoo with you or?

[sassenach]

I agree with twigs response above, but I will also say that as a pastor's wife, I feel like if you shared the details behind your reason, she would probably still take it well. I'm privy to more horrid details of people's pasts than the average person, so blanket boundaries don't surprise or offend me at all.

[PentecostalMom]

"I hope you won't take offense at this...but I had a very bad experience at a playdate as a child...because of this its been our policy to have a parent at any playdate, no matter who the family is. I understand that complicates things, especially with parents who are more relaxed. We'd love to set up something when its convenient to come together. I know X (your daughter) and X (her daughter) enjoy playing together."

 

I like this response the best. Truthful, and gives an explanation without being graphic and will probably make her more than willing to work with you.

[Danestress]

I would probably make it sound like my own problem. Along the lines of, "I know I have issues, but I had some really bad experiences as a child, and I am over the top protective. I don't leave my kids alone with other people. Ever. I hope you understand this isn't personal and has nothing to do with you."

 

I am not saying that you ARE a problem or are over the top, but I would probably say it that way. I used to just say, "we don't do sleep overs" and after a while, people just got used to that. Obviously it's easier with just sleep overs. But I think if you just honestly say no, you will quickly find out who is respectful and accepting and who wants to argue and be judgmental. And that is good info to have in any case.

[tex-bex]

I also like LostSurprise's response. I have a friend who has the same boundary for the same reason, and she told me about it and since there is no confusion, we never have any discomfort about arranging time together.

[Stayseeliz]

Thank you all SO much for your answers!! It really does help to talk this through with others. I think it's true that it's better to tell her this is just MY rule and my quirk instead of skirting invitations and her thinking it has something to do with them. I do think I'll be a big self-demeaning and make this "my" issue which it IS. I'm sure they're a lovely family but I just don't feel comfortable with them being alone with them.

 

On a side note, I really wish that she and I "clicked" more. She is extremely nice and sweet and I think I'm too snarky and sarcastic for us to be best buds. lol

[Orthodox6]

Minimal detail is best, I believe. Don't reveal your personal past to someone whom you scarcely know (five months is brief). Being a pastor's wife guarantees nothing. Do you even feel that you know/trust her sufficiently well to leave your daughter there without you when she is home? The older teen boys are something that would make a drop-off visit off-limits for our family (with no parent present).

 

I agree with the other posters who suggest a straightforward comment that a parent needs to be home when your children visit friends.

[runbikeswim]

I agree just short and sweet. If it is a family rule, and applies to all, I don't think this is offensive at all. I would understand.

[Murphy101]

Minimal detail is best, I believe. Don't reveal your personal past to someone whom you scarcely know (five months is brief). Being a pastor's wife guarantees nothing. Do you even feel that you know/trust her sufficiently well to leave your daughter there without you when she is home? The older teen boys are something that would make a drop-off visit off-limits for our family (with no parent present).

 

I agree with the other posters who suggest a straightforward comment that a parent needs to be home when your children visit friends.

 

 

This. I don't think you owe an explaination to anyone about it. You don't do drop off events. The end. Maybe if you get to know her over some time and become close friends, you might feel inclined to share more details of why that is, but you don't owe it to someone. I also think it's mildly odd for someone you are paying for a service to be repeatedly requesting playdates. But maybe that's just me. I think it's slightly unprofessional.

[CyndiLJ]

I know many people believe firmly that you don't owe anyone an explanation, and that is quite true...we owe nothing to others when it comes to our decisions regarding our kids.

 

However, there is such a thing as kindness, and I believe it is kind to let someone know...however you feel comfortable with...that it has nothing to do with them or something they have done in the past to give you cause for concern. The truth is, regardless of what we "owe" others, any decent human being would then be left concerned that they had somehow offended you or that something had led you to make that decision that IS different from the norm. A hint of a reason is enough to assuage those concerns, and to keep the response kind. I have had someone do something similar to me with no explanation, and it left me feeling awful. Only later did I discover the very logical reason for her constant declines of certain types of invitations...due to illness. It definitely came between us, which was sad, because we had the potential for a very good friendship.

 

Sometimes what we "owe" and what is kind are two different things. I always opt for kind, within boundaries.

[TranquilMind]

I would simply say something like, "Our family does not do unsupervised playdates. We will have to choose I time when I can be present." Never, never, never give a reason or excuse, just keep repeating your chosen response.

 

 

I don't think this abrupt manner will go over well, personally.

 

I'd be much more likely to state the reason why, even vaguely because otherwise, it can be offensive and dismissive. I'd be concerned myself if someone said the above to me so tersely...and I was one of those Moms who did stay with the kids. I tended to choose those Moms who were also friends of mine, so it was natural.

 

I'd say something like, "You know, I know the kids would love to play and I do want to set up a playdate...I should tell you that when I was young, a playdate occurred that was pretty traumatic for me, so my husband and I decided that we are more comfortable on playdates - because of MY experience - if I am present....so you wouldn't mind, would you?" (Big smile).

 

Just my two cents.

[TranquilMind]

I know many people believe firmly that you don't owe anyone an explanation, and that is quite true...we owe nothing to others when it comes to our decisions regarding our kids.

 

However, there is such a thing as kindness, and I believe it is kind to let someone know...however you feel comfortable with...that it has nothing to do with them or something they have done in the past to give you cause for concern. The truth is, regardless of what we "owe" others, any decent human being would then be left concerned that they had somehow offended you or that something had led you to make that decision that IS different from the norm. A hint of a reason is enough to assuage those concerns, and to keep the response kind. I have had someone do something similar to me with no explanation, and it left me feeling awful. Only later did I discover the very logical reason for her constant declines of certain types of invitations...due to illness. It definitely came between us, which was sad, because we had the potential for a very good friendship.

 

Sometimes what we "owe" and what is kind are two different things. I always opt for kind, within boundaries.

 

 

Exactly, Cyndi....I just said the same thing!

[TranquilMind]

"I hope you won't take offense at this...but I had a very bad experience at a playdate as a child...because of this its been our policy to have a parent at any playdate, no matter who the family is. I understand that complicates things, especially with parents who are more relaxed. We'd love to set up something when its convenient to come together. I know X (your daughter) and X (her daughter) enjoy playing together."

 

 

Yes, this!

[Murphy101]

Huh? If someone tells me they don't do drop off events, I don't get my knickers in a twist about it and get offended. Especially when I don't have a close relationship to them at all.

 

Person A: hey would you like to drop off daughter so I can take them to blank?

 

Person B: oh that's really nice of you to offer, but we don't usually do any drop off events. I know they'd love to get together though, so how about we go to the zoo/park/whatever on blank day?

 

Person A: oh okay. Well that's fine, maybe some other time...or I can't do that then, can we do it... Or the zoo freaks out my allergies, how about you come over for coffee while they play? Or or or

 

As person A, being offended wouldn't even hit my radar. they didn't say, "I don't want to drop my kids off with YOU!" or "omg, I could never drop my kid off! Especially since you have teen boys! They're all sex crazed fiends!" they just stated they don't do drop offs. No big deal. Nothing at all unkind about it. Good grief. *confused*

 

Maybe this is like pushy food people who get their feathers ruffled if you don't eat their food when they offer it? Thing is, IME, those people also never really accept reasons, no matter how kindly offered.

[WyoSylvia]

I don't do unsupervised play dates either but I simply say this with a cheerful shrug, "I just always like to be there. That's what we do."

 

For some reason, to my ears, saying what I won't do sounds more like it could offend than saying what I will do. You can then tell your background if anyone pushes you on the topic.

[Tita Gidge]

Thing is, IME, those people also never really accept reasons, no matter how kindly offered.

 

My experience reflects that the delivery of a reason matters significantly when determining how well it has (or hasn't) been accepted.

[NicAnn]

Direct is always best. "We don't do unsupervised play dates" I mention to that its a blanket rule that we don't judge on a case by case basis.

[HS Mom in NC]

There is nothing unkind about leaving out an explanation as to why you choose not to do unsupervised playdates or about any other rule you have. Giving an explanation suggests the person receiving the explanation has some authority in that area when they don't. No one has ever owed me an explanation for why they have the rules they have in their households with their children and I've never asked for one. I think it would be very weird and overstepping personal boundaries if they launched into explanations about why they do what they do with their kids based on their own childhood experiences. I would be inclined to think, "Why are you telling me this? I'm not your spouse-he's the one who you have to work out the whys of your household rules with. Why do you need my approval? Would someone honestly think I'd get my knickers in a twist because they have a different household rule than me? Every household has different rules than every other household in the world so it's a non-issue."

 

You don't have to send your child to an unsupervised playdate even if you were never exposed to explicit material at a playdate and even if there are no other reasons. I know people who've never had a bad experience and still have that policy. Simply telling her in a pleasant voice that it's your policy not to, but you'd love to work out sometime when the kids can have a supervised playdate when you can be there is enough. Clearly it's a general policy you apply to everyone because you didn't add in qualifiers that pointed out other situations when the policy changes.

 

If she is over steps her bounds and actually has the nerve to ask you for an explanation I would simply say nicely again, "This is the policy my husband and I have decided was best for us. Well, it's time for me to go. " Then start walking for the door or if you're on the phone, hang up. People who over step their boundaries should never be indulged.

[Murphy101]

My experience reflects that the delivery of a reason matters significantly when determining how well it has (or hasn't) been accepted.

 

What about my suggestion was rude or otherwise warranting a bad attitude about it?

 

Of course how it's delivered matters. I gave clear examples of that.

 

One can not deliver it via an explaination and still not deserve any kind of attitude or assumption of insult about it.

[gardenmom5]

are you in favor of playdates with her or not?

 

If you are amenable to doing playdates with her "that sounds great to get the kids together, but for reasons I'd prefer to not go into I have a policy of not allowing unsupervised playedates. Perhaps we can come up with another time at a park or something that works for both of us."

[zoobie]

I would say that your DC would enjoy playing very much, and you'll have to get your schedules together because your family doesn't do drop off play dates. If you become friends with her, you may choose to share why in the future, but *I* wouldn't reveal such a personal detail from the get-go. Some people are more open and sharing more works for them. Do what makes you feel most comfortable. I don't think an explanation into the WHY is required to be polite.

[JennyD]

Do you want to actually be friends/have playdates with this woman, or are you just looking to keep things polite? Because while I agree that there is nothing rude about this:

 

I would simply say something like, "Our family does not do unsupervised playdates. We will have to choose I time when I can be present." Never, never, never give a reason or excuse, just keep repeating your chosen response.

 

 

if I asked another mom if her kids could come over and this was the response, I would back waaaaayyyyyy off. I wouldn't be offended, mind you, but I would certainly stop trying to pursue the friendship. Which may be just what you want, and there's nothing wrong with that -- it sounds like the relationship is primarily professional anyway.

 

If you would like to keep things rather warmer, then I agree with the more self-deprecating response, although I would probably also be disinclined to hint at the actual reason. Something more like, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I know this might sound a bit .... odd, but for a variety of reasons I just can't send them on a playdate without me right now. Is there any chance your girl could come to us? Or could we possibly do a park playdate?" In her shoes I would then just assume that your child or children had some kind of issue --maybe a potty problem? -- and would cheerfully go along with the alternative suggestion. But again, I think it all depends on whether you just want to avoid being rude, or actively keep things friendly.

[FaithManor]

"I hope you won't take offense at this...but I had a very bad experience at a playdate as a child...because of this its been our policy to have a parent at any playdate, no matter who the family is. I understand that complicates things, especially with parents who are more relaxed. We'd love to set up something when its convenient to come together. I know X (your daughter) and X (her daughter) enjoy playing together."

 

I think something along these lines is absolutely appropriate. Really, you don't have to make excuses for doing what you believe is in the best interests of your children.

 

That said, off topic, I think the piano teacher's attempt at creating a friend scenario from what should be a professional relationship is odd. Maybe others do not think so, but I do. When I had a full music studio, I did NOT make friends out of the parents nor friendships for my kids from amongst my students. When already established friends approached me about becoming their child's teacher, I referred them to other studios. The reality is that friendships and business relationships tend to get ruined when the two are mixed. Already, this has put the OP in a bind. She wants her children to continue to take lessons from this teacher, but the teacher has attempted to blend business and pleasure together and now there is a potentially sticky situation. I have to question the judgment of the teacher.

 

At any rate, OP, pick a brief explanation wash, rinse, repeat. If it were me, I would not offer to get together at all. All it takes is one playdate to go wrong, one child to argue with the other, one polarizing conversation, etc. and the lessons have the potential to become very awkward. Business is business...you are contracting with her for educational services rendered...let it remain that way.

 

We learned the hard way. A very, very dear friend was also our family dentist. When we did not agree with a treatment plan for one of our kids, the friendship suffered. Eventually, we had to get a new dentist, and the friendship is now nothing more than a polite acquaintance.

 

Faith

[Tita Gidge]

What about my suggestion was rude or otherwise warranting a bad attitude about it?

 

Of course how it's delivered matters. I gave clear examples of that.

 

One can not deliver it via an explaination and still not deserve any kind of attitude or assumption of insult about it.

 

I wasn't referencing your suggestion, which is why it wasn't part of what I quoted and replied to.

 

I'd explain my reasons, ... but, well ... color me convinced :D LOL.

 

But I agree you gave clear examples of how delivery matters.

[Murphy101]

I think the piano teacher's attempt at creating a friend scenario from what should be a professional relationship is odd. Maybe others do not think so, but I do. When I had a full music studio, I did NOT make friends out of the parents nor friendships for my kids from amongst my students. When already established friends approached me about becoming their child's teacher, I referred them to other studios. The reality is that friendships and business relationships tend to get ruined when the two are mixed. Already, this has put the OP in a bind. She wants her children to continue to take lessons from this teacher, but the teacher has attempted to blend business and pleasure together and now there is a potentially sticky situation. I have to question the judgment of the teacher.

 

I think so too and mentioned it up thread. I think it's at least mildly unprofessional. Bad form, iykwim.

[Murphy101]

I wasn't referencing your suggestion, which is why it wasn't part of what I quoted and replied to.

 

I'd explain my reasons, ... but, well ... color me convinced :D LOL.

 

But I agree you gave clear examples of how delivery matters.

 

But... But... I want an explaination!!!! Whyyyyy??? Is it me???? I'm offended and put off with that response! ;p JK! :D lol

[Anne in CA]

You do not owe explanations to anyone. I am glad you are not making silly excuses. That just hurts people's feelings. There is no reason to be dishonest. Anyone who cannot understand your boundaries without a big explanation is really not someone you would want to leave your kids with unsupervised anyway.

[Orthodox6]

Maybe (?) the piano teacher is "fishing" for new recruits for her husband's church community (?).

[Tammi K]

Maybe (?) the piano teacher is "fishing" for new recruits for her husband's church community (?).

 

1. Huh??? Where did that come from?

2. Why would you assume something nefarious based on an invitation to a playdate?

[Mrs Mungo]

I would just be upfront, "sorry, we don't do unsupervised play dates. Would you like to meet at the park for a picnic lunch one day?" That shows you are interested in furthering the relationship, just not solo play dates.

[Tammi K]

 

 

That said, off topic, I think the piano teacher's attempt at creating a friend scenario from what should be a professional relationship is odd. Maybe others do not think so, but I do. When I had a full music studio, I did NOT make friends out of the parents nor friendships for my kids from amongst my students.

 

 

I just picked my kids up from an afternoon of bike riding and kite flying...with my daughter's skate coach.

To each his own, I guess. :)

[katilac]

I truly cannot understand the people who would be offended or hurt if the OP did not give a specific reason for her family's decision. It has nothing to do with specific people: they do not do drop-off playdates, period. And I thoroughly dislike the advice to be self-deprecating about it. Why on earth?? Posters are saying things like be self-deprecating, demean your thoughts and decisions, call yourself weird, and so on. Really? To what lengths will we go to avoid the horror of someone thinking badly of us? Is this what we want to model for our children? Is this what the OP wants their kids to think about their decision - that it does not make sense, but is only in place because mom is weird?

 

No. Think it through, make a decision, and then OWN that decision. Don't explain it, but own it. Be a grown-up. Everyone is not going to like you and certainly everyone is not going to agree with you.

 

Consider these very mild situations good practice for the not-so-mild situations. If you can't handle a situation that isn't personal, how are you going to handle one that is? Because, believe me, there are going to be times when it IS about that parent, that kid, that house, or that family life. You will have to be strong enough to make your boundaries clear and not let them guilt you into making bad decisions. Of course, one is polite as possible, but sometimes there is no hiding the fact that yes, I allow my kids to go to Jim Bob's house, but I will not allow them to go to yours. Or I will car pool with the Smiths, but not with you. It happens.

 

Please note that I am directing this to the world in general; it is a response to several different posters, not just the OP.

[katilac]

1. Huh??? Where did that come from?

2. Why would you assume something nefarious based on an invitation to a playdate?

 

Because the other mom specifically mentioned bringing her to craft time at the church probably. I learned early on to be very wary of such invitations, lol. They will invite kids to craft time, a pizza party, and other activities that sound very appealing to young children, in order to get them to 'children's church.' Kids who already attend the church are often pressured and/or rewarded for bringing a friend.

[briansmama]

Wow, good for you mama! I don't do/allow sleepovers, if that makes you feel any better.

 

I would simply say that you'd all love to come over for a play date sometime when you are able to stay too! Simply stating that you aren't into drop-offs for your kids should diffuse any awkwardness and let her know that you would enjoy getting to know their family better and that your reluctance to drop off has nothing to do with them.

 

By the way, I have several friends IRL and a sister who don't do the whole drop-off thing. They are often one of 2 parents who stick around at birthday parties.

 

I admire parents like you and wish you lived nearby! I'm not comfortable with drop-off play dates but my Dh will not go for that with certain families we know- he thinks it's important for the kids to be away from me at times. I see his point, but I'm not into drop-offs or allowing others to drive my kids around. Just not my thing.

[Stayseeliz]

So I was all geared up for "the talk" after piano this afternoon. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand......She didn't bring it up. Lol I had to make a time switch for next week since I have family coming into town and I mentioned how busy summer was getting. She said hers had been busy as well and we chatted about various activities our kids were involved in. She did mention the craft thing again but said I was welcome to stay of I brought them, etc. I'm not sure she was proselytizing since she does know we're Christians. Maybe she just invites everyone. But she didn't mention a stand alone playdate so of course I didn't bring it up. We'll see if it happens again. Maybe she sensed my hesitation when she brought it up last time. I do like her and she seems to be a very nice person. I just don't think we've ever clicked and our conversations never seem to get beyond polite chitchat. But I wouldn't mind a family get together of some sort.