Erin Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 My SIL (husband's younger sis) is getting re-married. She left her husband of 10 years, 5 years ago when their third baby was two months from her due date. Why? Because she was bored, she didn't love him anymore, and he wouldn't move to a new city with her. I wasn't very supportive of her decision, but I certainly wasn't hostile, either. That's not exactly one of the Biblical reasons for divorce, but I didn't butt in. That's my husband's job. ;) DH just called me last night and said she's getting re-married...on the 4th of July. So here're my issues: --She just met this guy last week. Seriously. They've been chatting on the phone for two months, but they didn't meet in person until Tuesday. She's rushing things, just a bit. And dragging her three, young kids along with her. --He has five other kids. One with a wife who passed away and are living with his folks back in Mexico (though the child was born in the States). Four with a woman he was living with for about 10 years, who he broke up with about a year ago. He has nothing to do with them, as "she only lets them call when she wants money." This is raising a whole field of red flags for me. --I've already gone to two of her weddings. The first, she and her first husband, just went to the JOP and we all gathered in the judge's chambers. The second, they waited 3 years, until one of my BIL's sisters was baptizing a new baby and had a full-blown wedding simultaneously, so all of his family could come up from Mexico for both events (and now that they were getting married in the Catholic church, it was legit). --Our summer is packed. Between camps, horse shows, shooting sports tournaments, dog shows, etc. the 4th is one of the few times when we're NOT already doing something. However, we could go... It's a 350 mile trip. We could go up Wednesday, stay for the 4th and come back on Friday. But do I have to? Aside from the inconvenience issue, do you have to be happy about a marriage to show up? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flowing Brook Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 Honestly it sounds like she is heading for a train wreck. If it were me I would let her know what I think of it. Then when things go south she can't say you did not try to wake her up. As for the wedding I would not go. I just can't act happy and help celebrate something I think is not going to work or is wrong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexigail Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 Your answer will probably depend a lot on your family dynamics. That said, I think its okay to say no unless you wanted to be there to support her kids. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't get end up getting married anyway Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 You never have to go to anybody's wedding. She is your DH's sister? Then ask him if he wants to go. I think yes, I'd have to be happy about a marriage to go celebrate; if I disapproved as strongly as I sense you do, I would not attend. It's really easy for you to bow out gracefully, since it is so short notice. But I'd let your DH make the decision, since he is the brother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheReader Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 On the flip side, if this one actually works out, or even during however many years it does last, she will always remember that her brother did not come to her wedding. That is a scar hard to heal from. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 I wouldn't go under those circumstances. If it were my sibling, I'd offer my opinion that it's a bad idea. However, if it were DH's sibling, it is his place to say something, not me. One of my cousins got engaged to his long-time girlfriend at the beginning of May, and got married in New Orleans (no reason other than they felt like having the wedding there) over Memorial Day weekend. My parents went, but there was no way I could on such short notice. I think they had wanted to elope but knew that my aunt & the bride's parents would've thrown a fit, so this was their way of keeping things low-key given big Irish (my cousin) and Polish (his bride) families. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erin Posted June 10, 2013 Author Share Posted June 10, 2013 You never have to go to anybody's wedding. She is your DH's sister? Then ask him if he wants to go. I think yes, I'd have to be happy about a marriage to go celebrate; if I disapproved as strongly as I sense you do, I would not attend. It's really easy for you to bow out gracefully, since it is so short notice. But I'd let your DH make the decision, since he is the brother. Normally, that's exactly how we'd play it. But he's working in ND, about 700 miles away from home at the moment. Consequently, we each need to decide. If he skips out, the choice is easy for me, but if he decides he has to go (he's not real thrilled either), the choice is much stickier for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T'smom Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 On the flip side, if this one actually works out, or even during however many years it does last, she will always remember that her brother did not come to her wedding. That is a scar hard to heal from. Even if the marriage doesn't last, she'll still remember it and it could damage your and your dh's relationship with her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dahliarw Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 If he didn't go to the wedding would he come home? If so, then I would have him call and explain to his SIL that you and the kids already have plans or it's too far to travel or something and that if he comes he'll miss out on his only time with his kids. Then he can turn it as "you have kids, you understand how important that is". I would not tell her how you feel about her wedding. She's an adult and can make her own mistakes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erin Posted June 10, 2013 Author Share Posted June 10, 2013 If he didn't go to the wedding would he come home? No, he's not supposed to come home until the 19th of July... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 Normally, that's exactly how we'd play it. But he's working in ND, about 700 miles away from home at the moment. Consequently, we each need to decide. If he skips out, the choice is easy for me, but if he decides he has to go (he's not real thrilled either), the choice is much stickier for me. I would think that him working away from home would make the decision easier for you. If you are both coming from 2 different places then you would be traveling separately correct? If so, that is probably going to cost more money to you and be more inconvenient. So, I would say if you aren't traveling together then you saying no for travel expense reasons is very reasonable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiberia Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 I'd send a gracious card wishing them the best, telling them you're thinking about them, etc. Don't mention any excuses or the short time frame unless you want to. Give them some money if you feel inclined. Keep it gracious so there's no bitterness on her side. She's going to marry whomever she chooses- if she asks your opinion, you can give it. But she won't ask. You can still bless her and hope for the best (even if she has a bad track record and this doesn't look promising). But I wouldn't invest a lot of time or money or travel for this. It will probably happen again in a few years. I've seen this happen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T'smom Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 Um yeah, but you don't get to be that picky for last minute and under the circumstances if people have to travel 350 miles. I would never expect a family member to do that under those conditions. I didn't say that the SIL got to be picky. I was simply pointing out a possible consequence of not attending. I can find other reasons to go to a siblings wedding besides food and drink. Personally, I would do whatever I could to not miss a close family member's wedding. It would not matter if I approved of the marriage or not, I would go because I loved them. If there were reasons that made it impossible, I would send my sincere regrets and let the person know that I would have made it, if at all possible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 If she is expecting people to really come I'd encourage dh to go. If he wanted me to go too then I'd go, otherwise I would not go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 All depends on what you and your dh want in regards to the relationship he has with her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kristi26 Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 [/size][/font][/color] No, he's not supposed to come home until the 19th of July... I was all set to say no, I wouldn't go BUT if you go and your DH goes, you get to see each other for a couple of days with your kids earlier than expected. I'd go just for that reason. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 I'd send a lovely card and just state that it's just not going to work with dh and the travel. "We wish you the best!" which is true--you just see that it isn't likely to be this relationship. I didn't go to sil's second wedding--it simply was too far in the middle of horse show season. And I didn't go to her dd's wedding as they scheduled it during county fair. We explained a year in advance and that was that. You are never obligated to attend a wedding (unless you're the one getting married!) and you don't owe them a big long explanation. Mention in the card that you hope she'll post pictures so you can share in the day. And then smile and welcome the new hubby when you meet him. THIS! 350 miles on short notice is not easy. A nice card, maybe a gift card inside, best wishes, and done. 350 miles, if there are any congested areas to go through is a 6 - 7 hr. drive without much for pit stops and you have to do it twice in a 48 hr. period. Not to mention gas at $4.15 a gallon means the cost is no picnic either. Most families need well more than a month to plan such a trip and save the cash. So, i think you can very reasonably not attend. Preserving the relationship for the future is all about the wording and delivery when you decline the invite. Faith Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 Personally, I'd leave it up to my DH in these circumstances. If he were going to go, I'd go just to see him really. I wouldn't say anything about the train wreck wedding and I'd leave any judgment calls to DH as well. ETA - I also think less than 1 month notice for a major holiday with that kind of drive is plenty of reason NOT to go! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Wow, just wow. Maybe you can get by with using the gas money for an extra nice present. But if dh is going I would go too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 I would tell my sibling they were being dumb (and they would probably be told the same by several family members) but I would attend the wedding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagle Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 I would not attend a wedding I didn't support, but I wouldn't make a big statement about it since you have a great out. They can't really expect everyone to be available on such short notice on a major holiday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 It could be a highly entertaining event! I don't know. I'm an only. I have had to attend way more of my mother's weddings than I've wanted, but I did because she's my mom. I thought her last marriage was going to be yet another disaster because they had only known each other 3-4 months. Well, they're still married 12 years later, by far her longest relationship, and he loves my kids and is a pretty decent grandparent. I would hope my kids would attend each other's major life events even if they're train wrecks. You can support the sister without supporting the [seemingly] foolish choice. Of course, if it would be a financial hardship, that's something else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sparkle Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 Well I am a grinch, I dislike going to weddings period, even when they aren't potential train wrecks. That said, I would probably sound SIL out, and mention that the distance/expense might be too much, and would she be really upset if you didn't make it. Hopefully she will understand. And then send a card and a gift and your best wishes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 I would send a nice card and call it good, unless you come up with a reason that you actually want to go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plateau Mama Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 My rule is I bend over backwards for the first wedding (train wreck or not). The second wedding the immediate family member definitely goes, the spouse/kids may or may not. The third time, no way, no how unless maybe it was in the area. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 I don't think I'd go. I'd claim short notice and send a nice card with a $ gift. I never feel obligated frankly. We have two family weddings coming up that we probably won't go to. One is someone we haven't had contact with in 6-7 years that would require plane tickets, and one is having a very small wedding with immediate family only (we're good with that). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
readinmom Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 350 miles on a holiday weekend? No thanks. Send a card as previous posters suggested, unless dh decides it's a must situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JNW Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 It's your decision whether or not to go, and I would be willing to bet that the people in attendance at the wedding will not sway her decision to get married one way or another. I think it depends on what kind of a relationship you want with her. My sister got married very suddenly a few months ago. I didn't agree with her decision, but I never told her that. Her decisions are not my responsibility. Others had been critical enough already. I was glad when it was all said and done that I had supported my sister and celebrated with her. My sister-in-law, on the other hand, was very cold and rude during that time, because she did not support the marriage. Their relationship was damaged. 3 months into my sister's marriage, my sister's new husband died tragically. I'm glad our relationship was still intact at that time. If you don't want to have much a relationship with her, I don't blame you. But I wouldn't express my opinion about her decision. Just my perspective. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flowing Brook Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 Ok I am not trying to start an argument or derail the thread. I have a simple question. Those of you who will not say something even though she is obviously making a bad choice that can later hurt her and her children. Why do you think it is wrong to say something and try to keep her from making a poor choice? If she were playing with matches around gasoline you would not hesitate. So why not when it is an important life choice? ETA: Why would going to someone the spirit of love and care for their well being alienate you from them? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JNW Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 Also not trying to pick a fight or derail. I'm generally opposed to giving and receiving unwanted advice because I very strongly believe that everyone is responsible for his or her own decisions. Whatever they are, whoever it is, whatever the ramifications are. But that is just the way I choose to live my life, and I think it's perfectly fine if other people are different. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 350 miles on a holiday weekend? No thanks. Send a card as previous posters suggested, unless dh decides it's a must situation. :iagree: And I'd write a very sweet, mushy note in the card. Surely the SIL has a clue that a wedding on a holiday weekend might result in lower attendance, especially when some would be traveling such long distances. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TKDmom Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 I probably wouldn't go, unless dh insisted that I attend with him. I would probably encourage him to go, since it is his sister. Whether or not we went, I would send a gracious card. I bend over backwards to preserve family relationships, even if I think family members are being stupid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 I would go. But in our family not going to a family wedding would be a huge deal and really considered hurtful. That’s us though. Only you and dh know your family culture. I wouldn’t say anything about the reason or that you aren’t going because you don’t approve. Yes, it sounds like a train-wreck but she’s an adult and isn’t asking for your advice. There were a lot of people we invited to our wedding who didn’t come for various reasons. I can’t remember any of them or why they didn’t come. The one person I remember not coming is dh’s uncle who didn’t come because he didn’t approve and made it known. (It’s an interracial marriage.) I’ve met him since (at a family wedding ironically). He’s now elderly and was nice to me and our kids. However, I will always remember his disapproval of our wedding and if he was a closer relative like a brother I’d find it very hard to have an ongoing relationship with him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UrbanSue Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 I would be gracious no matter what you decide. You have plenty of perfectly valid reasons for bowing out so no worries there. I would follow dh on this. Let him decide if he wants to go, and then let him decide if he feels it's important for you to be there. Though I'd probably go just to see dh, if nothing else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 I would never chastise someone about their wedding that is a month away, unless it was an abuse situation. Swallowing unwanted advice and acting with respect towards other adults and their choices is part of being a grown up. Setting yourself up to be able to say 'I told you so' later is not. Send a card and gift and wish them well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheReader Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 Ok I am not trying to start an argument or derail the thread. I have a simple question. Those of you who will not say something even though she is obviously making a bad choice that can later hurt her and her children. Why do you think it is wrong to say something and try to keep her from making a poor choice? If she were playing with matches around gasoline you would not hesitate. So why not when it is an important life choice? ETA: Why would going to someone the spirit of love and care for their well being alienate you from them? I spoke from experience, as the presumably wishy-washy bride now 15+ yrs married and 20+ yrs together, but a few of our relatives (one on each side, really) were outspoken about their feelings re: our relationship, and those scars (on both sides) are hard to get over. Then again, in our case, the outspoken ones didn't speak to us kindly & in a spirit of love/concern, just rather blatantly made their opinion known in rather hurtful ways. Anyway, that being my background, I'd be very hesitant to judge any relationship on a list of what is in his/her past. The OP seemed to be saying that this is doomed because of each person's history, not necessarily their history together or their treatment of one another. I've seen enough people change for the better over the years that again, I'm hesitant to judge based on the past, especially a past that was separate from one another. At the same time, if I see someone in a definitely dangerous situation, as opposed to a "could maybe later hurt them..." situation, I have no problem speaking up if I am a close enough confidant to do so. For me, it comes down to, Do I feel strongly enough about this that I am willing to lose my relationship with this person over this issue? Because people have a tendency to get very prickly when matters of the heart are called into question, and you just cannot predict how people will react to something like that. But, again, this is all me speaking from my experience; someone w/o those things in her background might choose differently, and that's fine. Just, for me, I'd not want to risk a relationship over a "possibly maybe future hurt" because I'd be causing a "definitely for sure present hurt" instead. For me, not worth it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 Blame it on no "Save the Date" card. (heh. She didn't know him at the time you would normally send out that card...) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangermom Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 I think Margaret in CO gave an excellent answer, and that's what I'd do. If anyone goes, it should be the bride's brother, and that in itself will be expensive enough. I would not say anything. She is a grownup and can make her own decisions. Who knows, maybe it will work out. (I mean, I wouldn't expect it to, but I'm not omniscient.) If I did say something, I would not expect them to take in in "a spirit of love and care," though I would try to communicate it that way; it's human nature to see it as "that self-righteous woman who thinks she knows better than me and wants to run my life, who does she think she is?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erin Posted June 11, 2013 Author Share Posted June 11, 2013 Those of you who will not say something even though she is obviously making a bad choice that can later hurt her and her children.Why do you think it is wrong to say something and try to keep her from making a poor choice? If this were my sibling, I probably would say something. OTOH, this is my husband's sister, so it's his place to. Or, if she and I were closer, I might say something similar to what DH has said, "If you love him now, you'll love him in 6 months. Give yourselves some time to get to know each other better." But, as it is, I just back off and make suggestions to DH. No, I never even considered saying anything. Like I said in my first post, that's not my place, it's DH's. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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