I'm in need of some major advice.

[TammyinTN]

For the last 4 months my hubby and I have put up with so much stuff from our 18 year old daughter. This is really hard to write, but you guys are so level headed and I really respect you all...so please give me some good advice.

 

She's 18 and 3 months pregnant. She has left home 4 times in 4 months for weeks at a time. She will not answer her phone, email or anything from us. Last month I filed a missing persons report and we found her that night and brought her home. She has repeatedly lied to us and is seeing someone who is toxic. I mean the boy is going to military jail we think for 14 months or more for drugs. This is not how she was raised at all. I feel like a total failure as a mother because I'm the one who's spent the last 13 years at home with her full time. I'm sick to my stomach all the time with worry and she left again Saturday was suppose to be home on Sunday and didn't show up. Her sister was here from Kuwait and she didn't even see her leave. What is wrong with her? She has a doctor's appointment on Tuesday, I don't know where she is, if she's coming home...I fear for this baby she's carrying...

advice please. What do we do, we are so at our wits end?

[mommytobees]

{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

 

First, you need to pray....I am making a HUGE assumption here. If I am off based, forgive me.

 

Next you need to think.

 

Your daughter is an adult. How you raised is no longer a consideration with how you treat her.

 

You have three choices: You may enable her OR you may tell her that she has a home to come to when she hits bottom OR somewhere in the between.

 

I know this is harsh, but remember, she is pushing you to see just how much you'll SUPPORT.

 

I don't say this from a parental experience, but from her shoes (minus the drugs). The worst thing you can do is enable her.

 

I would also suggest that you prepare yourself and husband to sue for custody of the child if she can't get her head out of her you-know-what.

 

Kris, Navy wife in Japan

[umarider]

From your posting, I'm assuming you are an active-duty military family?

 

I know sometimes it's tough to seek help in an overseas military situation because it's such a small community, but perhaps you need to talk to someone in Family Services, etc. It will be easier for an impartial 3rd party to assess and make recommendations.

 

I assume the toxic boyfriend is stationed in Germany, too? Any chance his impending incarceration will force a separation between him and dd?

 

:grouphug: You are experiencing one of my great fears... my thoughts will be with you. I do agree with the pp who said that enabling your dd is not a good choice. I know from family experience that it only allows the behaviors to continue, both in the current generation and the next.

[Peela]

I have watched a friend go through something similar in the last few years. Her own guilt over her own daughter (and there was some neglectful parenting on my friend's part in bringing up her daughter, but you can't change the past) stopped her from being able to act clearly for a long time. She was highly emotional. Eventually, she stopped enabling her daughter- and did what was in the best interest of the grandchild, which for this young grandmother was to take custody of the little child and literally leave the city and live elsewhere where the mother, my friend's daughter, couldn't find her- and she did it legally- and she really, really didn't want to leave her life in the city and be the primary single caregiver to her granddaughter- but, it was the right thing to do and of course it is ok, because once she realised what she had to do, she did it. The daughter is a serious drug user and was using her social security benefits to enable her drug habit rather than feed her child- very toxic situation.

 

Difficult things do happen to good people.

I don't know what is right for you to do...... I suggest you probably do, in your heart, but in order to be able to act clearly, you probably need to let go of your more personal, emotional feelings and try to see clearly- not without heart, just without excessive emotionalism.

Easier said than done, of course, but it is possible.

 

I was a nightmare teenager from a pretty clean middle class family. I left home at 16. I cant imagine the horror I probably put my mother through, and I was around people who did drugs though it wasn't my thing. I did come through it, and so, I think, do most young people who get caught up in such situations. If your daughter has had a good upbringing, eventually her values from childhood will kick in.

 

I wouldnt moralise your daughter, though. She is an adult now.

[Scarlett]

I will just agree with the tough love approach. If she is using drugs that will explain her anti-social (not seeing her sister leave) and irresponsible behavior. Of course, that also puts her baby in danger, as you well know. If she is not using drugs and the baby is not in danger there may not be much you can legally do to intervene---for now. However, do not continue to enable her based upon your fear of her keeping the baby from you. She will use that against you in a big way.

 

Get straight in your mind what you will and will not accept for her to be able to live in your home. If she can't follow the rules she can find somewhere else to live.

 

And big hugs to you. I watched my mom go through this junk with my brother. He continued to be a source of pain for us all for many years, BUT my mom says that once he was 18 and she told him he had to find someplace else to live that things got a little easier in her mind. I think it just requires a little bit of emotional seperation. It's hard at first, but better than be controlled by a toxic child/adult.

[TammyinTN]

We had a drug screen run on her..it was a condition of returning home the third time when we found out about the drugs. It's clean...that's a little hope, right?

 

Things I know...

1. She's legally an adult, BUT doesn't act like it. She was way more mature 2 years ago. Held a job, homeschooled, babysat...so I think it's Mr. Toxic that's actually causing the problems. I actually prayed he went to jail, but then felt guilty...:confused:.

2. I know she's with him in some capacity...he's living in barracks. He's not allowed to have her there and if he's caught he will be punished, actually thought of calling his boss and getting him in trouble, she would then have to come home, no place to stay BUT she would hate me if she found out.:confused:

3. This is killing her Dad slowly. He's so hurt! We have scarificed everything for our children. Why is she doing this.... thanks for letting me vent. I feel like I'm dying inside.

[Mom2legomaniacs]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: and prayers for you all. Like the others said, she is an adult. She has her own mind. Hopefully, some of her upbringing will override the other stuff. I am so sorry for your pain. You may have to let go more than you want in order to get it back though. This is so heartbreaking and I am so sorry you hurting so much. More :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:.

[Scarlett]

We had a drug screen run on her..it was a condition of returning home the third time when we found out about the drugs. It's clean...that's a little hope, right?

 

Things I know...

1. She's legally an adult, BUT doesn't act like it. She was way more mature 2 years ago. Held a job, homeschooled, babysat...so I think it's Mr. Toxic that's actually causing the problems. I actually prayed he went to jail, but then felt guilty...:confused:.

2. I know she's with him in some capacity...he's living in barracks. He's not allowed to have her there and if he's caught he will be punished, actually thought of calling his boss and getting him in trouble, she would then have to come home, no place to stay BUT she would hate me if she found out.:confused:

3. This is killing her Dad slowly. He's so hurt! We have scarificed everything for our children. Why is she doing this.... thanks for letting me vent. I feel like I'm dying inside.

 

 

I'm glad she had a clean drug screen....especially since she is pregnant. Did she get pregnant before she turned 18? Just a thought. If he is going to jail it might give her just enough time to clear her head and see how bad he is. Or you/she might have to wait around for him to get out and show his true colors when he won't be there for her and the baby.

 

Please protect your relationship with your dh. You two need each other so much through this. I'm so sorry for you.

[Brigitte]

No advice from me. But lots of hugs for you and your husband.

[TammyinTN]

Scarlett...she got pregnant once she turned 18. It seems to be the "in thing to do" with some of her friends in the states. It's like some sort of badge of honor with these girls...I would love to see her come to her senses with him in jail. He already has a 1 year old living with his mother (she's raising it). We found this out just a few weeks ago.

 

My hubby and I are definitely working together and talking alot, but he's a wonderful and giving person and I can see the hurt on his face. Just breaks my heart.

 

Thank you guys for all the support! :grouphug:

[Tammyla]

(((Tammy)))

 

I sure wish I had some helpful suggestions. You can love her without giving in and making it easy for her to continue this path. Some ideas are taking her id card, it might be a string you can control. Also, as a mom I'd call Mr. Wonderful's boss and ask for assistance. You and your dd need the real information on what is going on right now. It sounds like your dd is living for the moment in denial.

 

Also, the Chaplin's office would be an idea for you. They have so many resources, will have seen this before and know which options and channels are available.

 

Hugs to you. Eighteen is still so close to not being an adult and one day this time will be behind you all. Many prayers for your family.:grouphug:

[Joanne]

Tammy,

 

I suggest Al Anon for *you* and your husband. Your choices are limited, you are very powerless over her and it's going to destroy you.

 

Al Anon, the program, principles and people, will teach you how to survive and thrive regardless of her choices.

 

You can't change, control or fix her.

[Tarheel Heather]

:grouphug:Tammy:grouphug:

 

Prayers for your family

[Mandy in TN]

With a clean drug sreening I would venture to guess that some of this erradict behavior is hormonal. She is young, unmarried, and pregnant. Undoubtable she is needing that protection and attention that a woman typically receives from her husband at this time, so it seems natural that she would seek out the father of this child.

 

It is unfortunate that this man is not someone you would have chosen for your daughter, but the choice has already been made. Is there anyway that your dh and you can assist these two young adults in creating a more healthy environment for your grandchild?

 

HTH-

Mandy

[Doran]

...from my experiences watching friends walk this path with their kids, I think your primary task right now is to let go. I say that not knowing for sure if I could actually do it, but the truth is, you are not able to control her. She is an adult (whether she acts like what we want adults to act like or not), as is her boyfriend. Their decisions are out of your hands. In my opinion, though, being an adult comes with its own set of responsibilities, including paying rent for a place to live. I'm not sure what's available to you over in Germany, but I'd suggest seeking some counseling for yourself and your husband if you can possibly afford to do so. I think Joanne's suggestion to seek out Al Anon is the best. It won't change the situation, but it will teach you how to survive it, and it will give you tools to figure out how to do that. Accepting her is critical, but so is learning how to be in control of the only thing you can control - YOU.

 

My sincere sympathies. I can't imagine how hard this must be, and I ache for you inside. You owe it to yourself to take care of you, even though I know you'd give anything to help your daughter and her baby right now.

 

(((Tammy)))

[Rich with Kids]

:grouphug: Tammy :grouphug: I agree with Doran. Try to let her go and make her own decisions. It's so easy for me to say, I know. But like everyone else has said, you can't change or control her. Hopefully what you and your dh have taught her will kick in and she'll come to her senses.

[Wildiris]

Dear Tammy,

 

1. Your children are not a reflection of you. They are independent beings making their own decisions. As hard and painful as it may be, you must let your child go and make mistakes. My 18 year old shuts down and shuts Dear-Loved-One and I out when we talk to him about his behavior, which is not always acceptable. I've learned slowly that silence is the better than a bunch of unheard words.

 

2. Accept that you have no power over the situation, while at the same time be as supportive of your daughter as you can. Let her make the choices. In short, stop being a parent and try to be her friend. All tall order when emotions are involved, but the more you parent the more your daughter will probably not take responsibility for her actions and run away.

 

3. Be there to pick up the pieces. At some point the reality of her choices will come crashing down on her, and you need to be there for guidance.

 

4. The baby is another issue altogether. If it were my daughter, I'd guide her toward adoption. I know several moms who've been in your situation. Their daughters kept the baby, but down the road these moms are now the parent/grandparent and sadly not the parent/grandparent of one but two.

 

You are not a failure!

 

Wildiris

 

 

[JennifersLost]

I read something recently I think is so true. All young adults have to separate from their parents and this can be hardest to do for those kids who "care" the most. You two were very closely connected all the way through her childhood. Now she doesn't know how to become her own person.

 

You can help.

 

You can help her find her own apartment. You can help her arrange to set up her own doctor's appointments, etc. You can help her find affordable second hand furniture for her place and baby. You can say things like, "I know you'll be such a great mom. Here's a book I found helpful. I can't wait to see your baby."

 

In short - you can show her in a myriad of ways that she IS an adult and that you are proud of her. I, too, put my parents (and myself) through h*ll at that stage and hooked up with a highly unsuitable man who did drugs daily. I did not. In the midst of all the chaos I did my best to be a good mother and "wife". My parents called me weekly, came and visited and made sure I had what I needed. They probably should have done even less. I eventually came to my senses and all that is in the past.

 

Every time you reel her in she has to do something worse to try to separate. In fact, she's trying to make you so mad that you'll leave her alone because she can't tell you that she needs her space.

 

If I were you I'd just stop. Leave messages now with people who will pass them on that you love her and look forward to seeing her when she's ready. When she gets in touch let her know that things have changed. You want to help her in the way she wants to be helped. Be prepared for her to be angry for a long time (masking the guilt she really feels) and for it to take a long time for her to trust that this change is real. End each conversation with something along the lines of, "We think you're doing great - just let us know if there's anything we can do to help."

 

This is very hard, but as you said there is a ton of hope here: she's keeping clean and she LOVES you. That's why she's doing this. Please find a book or resource your husband will read and trust about this because dads will take this so much more to heart and can blow it by their own reactions, you know?

 

Hugs and good thoughts to you. I have a feeling this will all end okay - it just will take some time.

[DB in NJ]

Tammy, I'm so sorry. I have no advice, as I have no experience to draw from. I'll be praying for you all.

 

:grouphug:

[Happy]

Tammy,

I want you to know you are not alone.

 

We've been in a similar situation with our son. It seemed once he left home for college (a Christian school, no less) that he had to explore everything that he had been taught not to do. Drugs, s*x, debt...you name it. He was awful and it got worse when he came home. Angry, disrespectful, downright hateful. We had to kick him out.

 

For about two years, I believed I was a failure as a parent and that the sheer TIME I'd spent homeschooling, supporting, and loving him were a lost investment. After all, if I'd spent eighteen years and that much effort on a business, I'd see a profit. Depression is an ugly thing. The thing is...these decisions were not my choice, they were his. Just like we humans make stupid decisions that God knows are bad for us.

 

I was so angry at him for making stupid choices. I was livid that he embarrassed us and the family name with his behavior. This was NOT what he was taught.

 

We are believers that God never gives up on us, so we've tried to never give up on him. We've paid rent for him rather than have him move home (for our sakes). We've helped him get a car. We've loved and supported and encouraged. We see lots of progress, but he is still not the kid that we raised. His choices. Those choices often make a thick mud puddle that he can't get out of.

 

I will say this. Stopping the 'enabling' is easier said than done. My son lived in his car six weeks. We knew about it for the last three. My mother's heart COULD NOT handle it. Winter was coming. He was also hanging out with 'cops' who wanted him to do undercover drug stings for them. (They'd come by his parking lot every night to chat.) We REFUSED to let him slide back into the drug life. Dh and I helped him get into an apartment. There are those who would say we should not have helped him. We should have let him slide as deeply as he wanted. But I know he would be dead by now if we had. Where's the point of that?

 

A good friend who had lived through this with her daughter told me to keep him alive.

 

Pray and do what you can to keep your daughter alive. To keep contact with her. Teach and model good behavior, but love her regardless of it all.

 

The guilt these wayward children feel is immense. They KNOW right from wrong. It makes them angry and defensive. See through that to the kids beneath.

 

{{{{{Tammy}}}}} I hate that you are a member of the Parents of Wayward Kids Club. Not fun at all. Don't forget, you are not the only member. I'm there, too.

 

I will pray for you to have wisdom, compassion, and firmness to do what you need to do.

[Jackie in AR]

((Tammy))

 

I'm so sorry. Dh and I watched his sister and BIL deal with their youngest dd for years, beginning when she was about 15. She ran away repeatedly and was involved in drugs and with various boys/men.

 

She would come home (after they found her, sometimes after months of searching), go into rehab for a while, and the cycle would begin again.

 

She finally got her life together, and today (at around age 30) is happily married and the mother to 3 sweet little boys.

 

I'm just trying to give you hope that someday things can be different.

 

I'll be praying for your family.

[TammyinTN]

I can't thank you guys enough for your advice and kind words. I'm so touched as I knew you guys could understand and help me process this.

 

Our Plan of Action:

I haven't contacted her at all since Sunday when she was suppose to be home..so I'm going to sit this one out and wait.

When I do hear from her..I'll be kind and supportive without enabling her.

I'm going to see my doctor tomorrow and get something to help me cope as I haven't slept in about 4 months.

I'm going to leave the house without fear of the phone ringing and not being her to take her call. I seriously didn't leave the house for 10 days...I can't do that anymore.

I'm going to move on with our family and do the best I can..we start 5th grade next week and I want to be that same positive and fun mom that I usually am.

I'm going to start living again...and enjoying life...which really didn't happen on vacation last week even with her here.

 

Thank you guys from the bottom of my heart! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Kelli in TN]

I can't thank you guys enough for your advice and kind words. I'm so touched as I knew you guys could understand and help me process this.

 

Our Plan of Action:

I haven't contacted her at all since Sunday when she was suppose to be home..so I'm going to sit this one out and wait.

When I do hear from her..I'll be kind and supportive without enabling her.

I'm going to see my doctor tomorrow and get something to help me cope as I haven't slept in about 4 months.

I'm going to leave the house without fear of the phone ringing and not being her to take her call. I seriously didn't leave the house for 10 days...I can't do that anymore.

I'm going to move on with our family and do the best I can..we start 5th grade next week and I want to be that same positive and fun mom that I usually am.

I'm going to start living again...and enjoying life...which really didn't happen on vacation last week even with her here.

 

Thank you guys from the bottom of my heart! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

 

This is very good. This is a good gameplan indeed.

 

I dealt with other things with my daughter, but they were as ugly as what you are dealing with. I don't think that any advice I would have would be appropriate to your struggles. I guess I just wanted to post in this thread to encourage you that you will get through this and you can come out on the other side whole and healthy, and so can your daughter. :grouphug:

[Liz CA]

3. This is killing her Dad slowly. He's so hurt! We have scarificed everything for our children. Why is she doing this.... thanks for letting me vent. I feel like I'm dying inside.

 

I think we all need to realize (I am realizing this with a 17yo ds) that we raise them, sacrifice for them, do what we think it's best and then they grow into people and adulthood.

They are not extensions of ourselves but they become separate people.

No matter how well you and your dh raised her, right now she is making her own choices and she can because legally she is an adult.

I feel for you as you watch her in this downward spiral. I suspect it may be part of separating from you and from childhood, becoming her own person. The choices she has made are not good - obviously, but I agree with the OP that you can make clear your house is open if she stays clean of drugs, otherwise you wish her well. And then, my dear, you take a long shower where you can cry and let it all out. She is on her own road now but there are few roads from which you cannot turn back. Don't lose hope!

[Cheryl in NM]

Tammy,

I'm so sorry you are going through this! We have been in similar situations with my step-daughter. I don't have any new advice to offer about how to help your daughter; others have offered all the advice I could think of. My advice is, like someone else mentioned, to maintain your marriage. Your dh and you should lean on each other and encourage each other. You need to know that you did NOT cause this; some kids just behave this way. Also, I see in your siggy that you have a ds at home. Focus on him. My ds got a little lost in all the struggles with my sdd. It's hard on the siblings also and the younger ones don't really understand what's going on or why. Be strong, stick to your guns, do what you know is right in your gut and you will be able to live with whatever you do about this situation.

Good luck to your family.

[sleepy]

I think that sounds like a great plan of action. :grouphug:

[TraceyS/FL]

:grouphug:

 

you've gotten some good advice...

 

My only questions would be - how is her visa/passport doing with this since she has turned 18 and isn't at home. I'm assuming that if she gets in trouble off base - she would be in a whole MORE heap of trouble. I might be apt to have a friend call the boss ;)

 

BUT, hang in there, sending you more :grouphug:

[kalanamak]

I think you have a good game plan.

 

I encourage you not to take her actions too personally. Children turn out many ways. My folks had 6 and one of them was such a pill my mother finally "disinvited" him from the house when he was 55. The sib who grew up right next to him is an angel. Or as someone once told me "Parents of one child believe in upbringing. Parents of two children believe in genes."

 

Care for those who will take your care right now. Focusing on what I can do and control takes my mind off what I can't do or control.

 

And if anyone judges you for her behavior, they are too ignorant to be taken seriously.

 

Hold your family tight, especially your hubby, who could use a neck rub, I bet.

[FO4UR]

HUGS!!!!! and I will pray for your dd!

 

My SIL was a wayward military kid....her story is probably way too close... She has turned her life back around!

 

There is hope! Keep praying!

[TammyinTN]

Thanks guys!:grouphug:

 

Tracey--we have used her ID card to track her with the help of a detective on post. When she comes into a gate they scan it..we can see where she's been and such. As far as her passport, she has it. She takes it with her when she leaves..I ask her once was she leaving the country, she said she has options. :001_huh: Basically the detective said she an adult and must be responsible for her actions, but being military, I know her Daddy will ultimately be responsible. I don't want anything to ruin his career, he's worked so hard to achieve.

 

We are both trying hard to focus on our 10 year old son. This has been a big shock to him. He really adores both his sisters. But she's turned mean and cold to everyone here. He said he's glad she's gone which broke out hearts.

 

Dh and I are definitely focusing on the future and staying strong together. Apparently we seem to cling to each other more in times of stress. I feel blessed to be married to him.

[Karen sn]

I feel like I'm dying inside.

 

Oh, that is so awful.

I am so sorry that your heart is broken right now.

 

Ironically, I am taking my friend and her 17yo dd to Planned Parenthood this very morning. The dd has been with boyfriend for almost 3 years and is ready to take it to that level. They have both (mother and daughter) been very open and honest. I am also bringing my 11yo dd and today is another small lesson (maybe huge lesson) for her as well. I just want my dd to know that one day she can come to me for the birth control she wants (no shame) - but also I am hoping for some literature on STD's, pregnancy, etc.... The other side of the fun!

 

18 is so young. She really has no idea.... I hope that you can reach her soon. At least the drug test came back negative. When does this guy get put away? And just a suggestion - are there any good midwives in your options of health care? They might help her more to grow than a sterile doctor in this situation. A midwife (generally) is more empowering in my opinion.

[laughing lioness]

:grouphug:Tammy:grouphug:

I am praying for you, your dh, your dd and other children.

A friend of ours is going through this same thing- it does seem to be "the thing" to do in some circles to be proudly pregnant out of wedlock.

Take care of yourself, the children that you have at home and your dh as best you can. Eat well, sleep well (or get a script if you need one- lack of sleep makes it all worse), exercise ! Find a wise counselor/priest/pastor etc. who will come alongside of you and your dh.

Make the call to the boyfriends boss- your dd might "hate" you, your dd "might" thank-you for helping her get out of a destructive situation. Hate is committment to a way of thinking, attitude and behavior. Will she truly "hate" you, or have an emotional reaction to what you have done?

Keeping your dd alive is excellent advice. Keeping everyone alive, including dh, is a great idea, too. Al Anon is another excellent idea- it will be a safe place where you can learn to breathe regardless of the storm raging. Sympathize with the heart of your dd.

May the peace of God that surpasses all understanding envelope you today and as you walk through this trial. :grouphug: My mommas heart is hurting for you!

[ChrisN in NY]

But want to offer more hugs :grouphug:.

 

I have one... wait, I take that back.. I have TWO who are strong-willed, stubborn, would bite off their nose to spite their face. They are also the most intelligent of my 6 dc.

 

I had to learn not to take it personally.

 

Saying many prayers for you.

[Testimony]

No words that I can say will help your situation. Only the Lord God almighty can rescue her now.

 

Tammy, I watched a video on prayer by Jim Cymbala. He shared his story about his daughter and it was similar to yours. What he did was he asked a prayer warriors to start praying for his daughter. He had three hard years of her back and forth behavior. Can you image being the pastor of a successful church and this happens? She finally came to her senses and is now married to a pastor and involved in ministries.

 

Is there anyone who will pray alongside with you about this? Someone who will not judge you, but just pray for you.

 

Tammy, I would love to pray for you and just hold you and your daughter up before the throne of God. But... I am going to say something radical. I do not know how to pray in my own human flesh. I would pray in tongue and in the spirit. I do not know to pray, but the Holy Spirit knows. You need radical prayer to change a radical situation, but I do not want to offend anyone I just want to help.

 

Hey, we all have children. It could happen to anyone of us. Look at Samuel and Isaac in the Bible. What blows me away about Isaac is Esau was his favorite one. Isaac walked with God. Isaac sought the Lord in things. Esau ends being the one God says, "Jacob I love, Esau I hated." Does that blow you away?

 

May the Lord bless you. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Sincerely,

Karen

http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/testimony

[Happy]

I think you have a good game plan.

 

I encourage you not to take her actions too personally. Children turn out many ways. My folks had 6 and one of them was such a pill my mother finally "disinvited" him from the house when he was 55. The sib who grew up right next to him is an angel. Or as someone once told me "Parents of one child believe in upbringing. Parents of two children believe in genes."

 

Care for those who will take your care right now. Focusing on what I can do and control takes my mind off what I can't do or control.

 

And if anyone judges you for her behavior, they are too ignorant to be taken seriously.

 

Hold your family tight, especially your hubby, who could use a neck rub, I bet.

 

Good words here, especially And if anyone judges you for her behavior, they are too ignorant to be taken seriously.

 

We've found in our circles of Christian fellowship that many people will judge you. After all, good parents produce good children...isn't that what we are taught? If your child isn't 'good' then you must not have been a 'good' parent. (I'll spare you my many passionate opinions about this. ;) Needless to say, I've worked through the heartbreak.....most days.)

 

However, some of those parents will have a huge change of heart when their own child jumps off the deep end. Suddenly, you are an expert in their uncharted waters and they need the wisdom you've lived. If it wasn't sad, it would be funny.

 

Hang on tight to each other. Keep looking for the joy in your life--there are pockets--and never give up.

 

Praying for you and your daughter.

[Karen sn]

: it does seem to be "the thing" to do in some circles to be proudly pregnant out of wedlock.

 

I am proudly pregnant - it was planned - I will not EVER be married. I am 36 years old and have already BTDT with a cheater.

I will not sign any stupid piece of paper to legitamize (if that's even a word) my relationship with my BOYFRIEND.

 

And I sure as h*ll am not going to hang my head in shame because I don't have a gold band on this finger. I don't want or need one.

 

Adam and Eve were not married either!

 

And I will wear this big fat belly in a bikini on the beach with no Mrs. to my name - and I will be ashamed of nothing.

 

Mary was proud of her belly as well.

[TammyinTN]

Karen...you are at a totally different place in your life than my daughter. She's 18, doesn't have the skill to support herself mustless a child. She's hooked up with some dirt bag drug user/seller. She has strayed from EVERYTHING she has been taught. She's selfish and doesn't give a rats butt about anyone other than herself...so you see...it's not the baby she's carrying that I'm ultimately upset about...although I'm sure it's going to get the crappy end of the stick on this unless she allows us to raise it.. this whole thing is about her.

[kalanamak]

And I sure as h*ll am not going to hang my head in shame because I don't have a gold band on this finger. I don't want or need one.

 

 

I believe laughing lioness was referring to the craze among high school students to get pregnant in groups.

 

Ironically, I got no guff whatsoever being PG out of wedlock, but when we did get married to get hubby insurance coverage and the social security money a widower with a minor child gets, should anything happen to me (or him), I did get flap. It seems people are more attached to the idea of romantic unions than they are to seeing children are provided for.

[laughing lioness]

Karen,

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I was, as Tammy pointed out, referring to the craze amongst under 20 year old girls to get pregnant. The ones that we know have no job skills, the bf is a user or in the pen, etc. Just a totally different situation than you.

Many blessings to you and your new baby!

[Valerie in Chicago]

Tammy, I'm so sorry that this is happening.:grouphug:

 

It looks like you're getting excellent advice here. I might wonder if you want to:

 

1.) have a cup of coffee with the dirtbag's boss (my sister had a much smaller situation with her former boyfriend, who was army -- she got a phonecall from his c.o., who wanted her side of things. and he ended up being quite helpful in the situation)

 

2.) keep a detailed log of all of this in case you opt to pursue custody of the baby.

 

I wish I had some way to be more helpful or some sort of magic words or advice. Know that I'm thinking of you!!!

[Crissy]

Tammy,

I've never been in shoes remotely resembling yours, so I have no advice to give.

But I do have hugs and prayers to offer.

 

:grouphug:

[TravelingChris]

Tammy,

 

I am praying for you. My sole advice is to try and make things as normal as possible for your son. I am goign through heartbreak with my oldest depression and resultant hostilty and self absorption. I have found that once I just started to re-emphasize my still ongoing role as mother and homeschool teacher of my younger daughters, things have become a bit less in turmoil. Just give him and your husband plenty of hugs. My youngest was just mentioned today that her brother pays no attention to her and never hugs her unless she hugs him first. We just keep telling her it is a disease and we need to keep praying for healing.

 

With you daughter, her maternity stay would be covered by Tricare but unless you get custody or she ends up marrying the AD member with whom she is involved, I don't think the baby will be covered. I would be contacting base legal and getting help and guidance on how to get custody.

 

Many Christian parents suffer heartbreak and I just pray that others around them may practice their Christian faith and show love.