Those with infertility--support needed

[jillian]

So dd was very easy to conceive, very easy. We decided to have her, and we did. This time, we've been trying for 4 years, once she turned one we decided it was time to try for another. We've been trying ever since. We've discussed with some infertility specialist and done several interventions (stimulated cycles, injections and oral meds, just oral meds, IUI with just oral meds and IUI with oral and injections). Everything has failed. I'm sort of at the point where I really don't think it's going to happen. I have tried "relaxing" and I have tried to "leave it to God" and I cannot hear it one more time, even from those who have dealt with infertility.

 

So from those wiser than me, how did you deal with it? Come to terms with it? At what point did you proceed to look into adoption or other "solutions"? I guess I just need some wisdom

[Parrothead]

Like you, dd was easy. It took two tries. We have what is classified as secondary infertility. There is absolutely no reason we can't have another child. Everything works on both of us. Except now after 10 years of being open to another we are getting older.

 

I've never actually come to terms with it. Until I hit menopause there is always the little hope. It isn't as hard as it was the first few years of trying. But I'll never not be jealous of pregnancy announcements. I can be happy for others now. That took a long time. I've never been angry about it. Just mystified. as to why.

 

For various reasons adoption isn't for us. Nothing against adoption. At. All. It just won't work for us.

[aggieamy]

I had cancer when I was in high school and had both ovaries removed so I've known for a long time I wasn't going to be pregnant. We looked into adoption and are trying to do that right now. It wasn't a hard decision for us because there wasn't any other option.

[Arcadia]

Have you been checked for thyroid issues? My mum has thyroid issues and took 3yrs ttc to have me and 9 yrs ttc to have my only sibling. A friend with thyroid issues took 6yrs ttc to have her second boy, her first took a few years too.

 

ETA:

link about infertility and thyroid issues in case you are interested

[Freckles]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this struggle. We have been trying to have another child for the past four years. I barely had to try for my girls, but I was much younger then. I don't know how to move past it. It's a rolling wave for me. I'm great except during ovulation and when AF is due to arrive. I'm currently 3 days late with a BFN at 14dpo. I'm not holding out hope. I assume I didn't ovulate. I wish you baby dust times ten. I know that my cousin and niece are adopted, and I can't imagine life without them. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Mama Geek]

:grouphug:

Dh and I tried for many years before dd came along. We were making plans to sail off into the sunset on our 36' sailboat and do things differently since we weren't likely to have kids. We had money, and were still trying to sell our house but it was paid off. about 2 weeks before were were ready to go I found out I was pregnant. It took dh a month to finish the boat and we still took it to Florida including to the Keys.

 

I guess what I am saying is that we decided to move on and work towards doing something very adventurous. We hope to be able to sail with dd once she is a couple years older, but you really do just never know. At this point I would be very surprised if another baby came along, I would be ecstatic, but surprised and I feel very blessed to have dd especially when I thought that we weren't going to be able to have kids.

[Lisa in Jax]

We have a similar story -- no problems conceiving our daughter, then we were diagnosed with secondary infertility when we tried to conceive #2. We went through multiple rounds of treatments of med with and without IUI, and eventually decided not to try IVF for various reasons.

 

There's more to the story, but in the interest of brevity, here's the basic story: we eventually decided to adopt after a "natural" (completely improbably) pregnancy and 15 week miscarriage. Even after adoption, I longed for another pregnancy. Several years ago, I realized that I no longer felt that longing, though I would have been ecstatic to get pregnant. About five years ago (in my mid 40s), I finally felt that the time of my life had passed, and I no longer have any desire to be pregnant again.

 

In my experience, there's not a lot you can do to stop the wish for another baby other than live your life day by day. Focus on today, and eventually, the wish may fade. That's what happened to me -- the decreased longing wasn't due to anything but the passage of time.

 

Hugs to you,

 

Lisa

who's finally 100% okay with the fact that we'll be empty nesters in the next 5-6 years. ;)

[Starr]

It's so hard. :grouphug: Your relaxing and leaving it to God is not the problem. If I were you at this point I think I'd start doing the homework on adoption and see if you are wanting to go that route. I went with all options at once even though it wasn't recommended. In the end we have 2 biological children. I always wished for more and often wish I hadn't cancelled the appt with the adoption agency.

[Pink and Green Mom]

We went through 4 cycles of IVF so I know your pain. I know how those well meaning people who say "just relax" or "you already have one" really don't mean to be insensitive. We looked into adoption when it became clear that no matter how many perfect embryos I had implanted (and there were over a dozen), I would never be pregnant. We adopted two boys (at the time, ages 4 and almost 1) in 2005.

 

I think you have to do what you feel is right for you. One thing our IVF doc said was to make sure in 10 years you will be comfortable doing what you did, and stopping where you did.

 

I will say that there have been times, in the past, when I suffered from "empty womb sadness" and longed to have a baby. That pain, for me, was never quite as strong as being told by the doctor "I"m sorry, you aren't pregnant this time." It gets easier. There was a time when I wanted another child but it had gotten so hard to adopt internationally that we decided we didn't have the wherewithal to do it again. "Time heals all wounds" describes me here. Sure I look at a newborn and think "what if" but it really doesn't bother me the way I assumed it would. Eight years removed and I barely think about that time anymore.

 

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is really, really tough.

[Dmmetler]

I'm considered to have secondary infertility-probably, in my case, due to the amount of physical damage to my body. I lost a baby before DD when I had to have an emergency C-section due to HELLP syndrome at 22 1/2 weeks, and when I got pregnant with DD, after that C-section my OB commented that he was surprised I'd gotten pregnant at all, due to the amount of scarring and adhesions-apparently one of my fallopian tubes and ovaries was actually twisted around and stuck to my uterus-he did his best to release it at that point.

 

DD is now 8, and no signs of another pregnancy-and given my history, I'm considered a poor candidate for fertility treatments. I'm using a fertility monitor right now, which at least is giving me a bit of hope, but honestly, I go back and forth each month between thinking I'd do anything for another baby and feeling like I'm insane for even considering it-that having had one miracle pregnancy, it's too much to ask for more, having an up-swing mid month, when the days are approaching, and then feeling like a ton of bricks hits me when my cycle starts yet again.

 

This semester I'm volunteering with the little ones in Co-op instead of teaching a class for DD's age group. I'm hoping that it will help-but I did my first day today, and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry-because I so want to be able to play with blocks and sing songs and have another little one.

[magnificent_baby]

Were you on any kind of BC after your daughter? After a few years and many tests and meds, my doc came to the conclusion that the Depo shot had extremely prolonged effects, even after I hadn't had a shot in years. It finally happened, it just took a long time for my hormones to reset themselves. Just a thought!

 

:grouphug:

[jillian]

Nope no thyroid issues that we know of, and I get tested every year and periodically with my infertility clinic. I have had no birth control besides pills that I stopped approximately 8 years ago. I have charted and ovulate very regularly and have great fluid to aid along the s*erm. I would be open to adoption but I don't think dh is. He might change his mind but he wants to pursue one last IUI when I'm 30 if it hasn't happened by then.

[jillian]

and I very much appreciate all the words of wisdom and kindness.

[Murmer]

I am sorry infertility can be very hard and unless someone has dealt with it many don't understand it. For us we know what is wrong we will never conceive and thus we knew we would adopt. That said we have adopted 2 an will not be able to adopt again until we move again....which will be a while because we are still paying off the cost of adopting DD. The main thing we do right now if focus on now and what we have now. That means we do vacations as a family and occasionally spend money we should be saving to adopt again but it is worth it because there is no guarantee we will have another. (I also volunteer with the babies at church so I can snuggle on a regular basis). As to what step to take next...that is the hardest part. Adoption is not a guaranteed baby and there are its own special challenges but it is wonderful when it works. IVF is expensive and also no guarantee...basically you just have to take a step in a direction and see if it feels right for you and your family....and sometimes that step is to stop everything. Good luck on a very hard decision and hopefully your dreams will be fulfilled somehow.

[Jeannie in NJ]

after 4 infertility surgeries, which insurance did not pay for and a month of pergonal injections which insurance did pay for . The pergonal injections included not only dh having to give me a daily shot but also getting up at 5 am every 2 days and driving 2 hours to Univ. of Penn for blood work and ultrasounds to moniter the pergonal. Finally I told dh that we needed to use the money that we had left to adopt. We adopted dd and then saved money for 2 years to adopt ds. I truly feel that I have the children that I was always meant to have.

 

A strange comment that I got from a friend, now a ex friend was that I was lucky that I did not have to go thru being pregnant and that I took the easy way by adopting. Okay???

[ailysh]

We conceived our first via IVF after three years of ttc and various other procedures. I was so sick from the drugs (ohss) that we decided then and there to adopt our next one. It was incredibly difficult to go through infertility. We now have one biological and one adopted daughter. The adoption was difficult emotionally but not nearly as difficult for me as the infertility. Every family is unique, some more than others. the thing that helped me the most was that I knew one way or another we would have children. it was never a question of IF but WHEN, you know? My heart goes out to you, I know what a struggle it can be. If you do decide to adopt, just remember that adoption has its own set of difficulties and prepare your heart for them. Our family is now complete and it is such a feeling of peace to know that. But I admit that I never truly felt okay about it until I knew our family was complete. I'm no spiritual giant. It was HARD. hugs to you.

[SunnyDays]

I'm so sorry. :grouphug: If you haven't been through it, it's hard to understand. I agree that most people who tell you to "just relax" are well meaning. We tried for 2 1/2 years to get pregnant, and each month was harder than the one before. It didn't help that people kept asking us when we'd have a baby, and we didn't really want to discuss our situation with most people. It finally just happened out of the blue. There are a few different reasons we stopped with one child, but one is that I didn't know if we'd have trouble a second time, and I just didn't think I could go through it again. There are times I've questioned whether that was right, but now I feel content and complete.

 

No platitudes here, just hugs and understanding. I hope that one day your dream is fulfilled! :grouphug:

[SunnyDays]

Bah.... double post. :)

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

I cried reading all your stories :crying: :crying:

[KrissiK]

Dh and I were married at age 34. My parents were infertile (I happened to come along after 8 years of marriage, but I was mom's only pregnancy), so it wasn't a surprise. There was no obvious reason for me to be infertile (dh got tested and was on the low end of normal) but i just hate medical procedures, so I didn't do any testing. Going the adoptin route was very easy. I knew I did not want to do infertility treatments at all, so we went through foster care and adopted 5 kids in three "sets". One thing I would recommend if you decide to adopt is to make sure you have had closure regarding your infertility. Some couples adopt, but still haven't made peace with their infertility and see their adopted kids as "second best" and that's just not fair.

[Jenn121]

I have no advice just prayers and hugs. I never got over wanting another even though my DD1's birth was traumatic. And then one day it happened after years of not trying to prevent it but not actively trying make it happen.

My girls are two months shy of seven years apart and I still feel the longing for more. I have had to take the if it happens it happens approach or it would consume me.

 

Jenn

[besroma]

:grouphug: I know how difficult it is to want another baby and wonder whether it is possible.

 

I don't think people realize how sad it is when they complain about their babies, because so many people would love to have a baby and all of the "inconveniences" that come with them.

[Giraffe]

DD was a honeymoon baby, literally. We assumed #2 would be just as easy. Five+ years later, we have reconciled to the fact that it just ain't so. I had one miscarriage a year ago, at 7 weeks. My age is an issue so we know that another baby is unlikely.

 

The worst is when DH's well meaning relatives berate us for not having more kids. They are convinced we are doing something intentional. :huh: I don't know how many times I have explained to his 97 year old grandmother that I would love more kids, but Allah has not seen fit to provide (she's Muslim).

 

Hugs to everyone. It's so hard to see babies sometimes.

[NotSoObvious]

Thank you for this post. I needed to read a lot of this today. We actually adopted before trying any fertility treatments. I always thought we would be able to get pregnant with help. We were not. It's been a rough year.

Just today I was confronted with the "well you need to focus on your diet and stress" attitude. In could have punched the person!

The only advice I would offer is to grieve your infertility before you adopt. They are two different things. (Meaning adoption isn't a cure for grief.) That was the best advice we got in our foster classes. Little did I know I hadn't really grieved...

 

[ThisIsTheDay]

Dd was conceived with no effort. A year or so later, we began trying to conceive again. After two more years, I went on fertility drugs for several months. Dh lost his job, and I stopped the meds. That's when I finally got pregnant. After ds was born, we used no birth control (and actively tried!) for 9 years. I never got pregnant again.

 

I know we were blessed. We would have loved more children. Dh was later diagnosed with a serious long term health issue, so that was helpful in a weird way for us to think maybe it was better we didn't have more. But that was God's plan for our family, and we were never called to adopt.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: to all of you who are aching or who have ached.

[Ottakee]

Dh and I knew from before we were married that infertility would likely be an issue. We did do about 1 year of infertility treatments but we had our own limits on what we would do, how much medical intervention,cost, etc.

 

We then signed up to do foster care for Native American children (dh is NA and I am part NA)---we had actually seen the brochure and talked about it before we got married. Before our foster care license was even through we got a call to adopt. We ended up wtih our oldest---a boy who came at 7 1/2 years old....and just turned 25.

 

We fostered a few more and then 17dd was placed with us at 7 months old (8 months after ds was placed with us). 6 months after that bio mom of 17dd had another baby and we were blessed with 16dd at 2 days old.

 

We have fostered over 100 kids through the years and currently have a 16 foster dd through the court system.

 

We are currently approved for adoption and at times we feel that we are missing someone for our family but at other times we are very content.

 

Once we started foster/adopting we really didn't dwell on the infertility. Honestly I got my baby fill with all of the foster babies we had (likely 40-50 of them under a year old).

 

Now at my age I dont' miss not having a bio child. A friend of mine and I joke about what it would be if we were suddenly surprised by a pregnancy after 20 years of marriage------she also suffered infertility and adopted so we can talk to each other like that but I wouldn't with others.

[Heather in Neverland]

We, too, suffer from secondary infertility. Ds was easy-peasy to conceive then... nothing.

 

I had a horrific pregnancy, horrific delivery, horrific recovery. I had said after ds was born that I was NEVER getting pregnant again.

 

When ds was about 3 years old, I changed my mind and we started trying. After 1 year we went to fertility specialists. After 1 year of that we decided to adopt.

 

We have now adopted twice and it has been the most amazing blessing in our lives.

 

My story is probably different from yours in that I really, truly hated being pregnant and the ONLY reason I even considered doing it again was because we wanted more children. When we realized it wasn't going to happen without a lot of serious, expensive intervention that had a pretty low return on investment, the decision to adopt instead was an easy one. We never even tried IVF. Just didn't feel worth it to us.

 

I don't have a strong need to be "genetically" tied to my child. So combine that with a serious distaste for pregnancy and adoption was pretty much a given. Having given birth and adopted, adoption was MUCH easier for us. So I guess I never "mourned" our lack of fertility. I just went with plan B. But I am a very pragmatic person in general.

 

YMMV

[nd293]

I also got pregnant with dd 'first try', then struggled to conceive against. I used ovulation test kits every month for 10 months, conceived, miscarried, tried for 6 months using ovulation test kits, tried oral meds, then IUI with injections, and finally got pregnant with ds.

 

I'm not sure how long I would have tried and whether I would have gone on to IVF. Adoption would not have been a realistic option because of our expat status and how long it would have taken. As nothing was 'wrong' with either of us - as is so often the case with secondary infertility, it seems - I would probably not have done IVF. I would have tried IUI several times before I considered giving up on further attempts to conceive. Realistically, I am not sure my marriage would have taken that. The stress of those years was horrible.

 

There aren't any easy answers. I am so sorry you're going through this right now.

[jillian]

Thank you everyone. I just needed to hear that I am not alone. I am very thankful for great insurance that covered a lot of the infertility stuff, all my ultrasounds, all the bloodwork, most of the medications (except the Follistim which was out of opocket and a lot), and the actual IUI which was also alot. I know we won't move onto IVF, for one, there is no way we can afford it at all, and for two it's just too much. I think my husband and I will be talking because for some time while I get my hopes up at the end of my cycle I just am over the trying. I looked at adoption about 2 years ago when we first moved into our house here in SC. We are military so I think it would be a little more difficult but I'm not sure. For crying out loud there are billboards here in SC begging people to think about adoption. Does anyone have a good resource for adopting, ideally for South Carolina but if not just general information would be great?

 

I feel so thankful and blessed to have a support network of others who have struggled with secondary infertility and primary too that can understand the pain and rollercoaster that is this journey.

[mrseshaw]

Secondary infertility here too. We went the ivf route. 7 ivfs and 3+ years later we are finally expecting. Long rough road.

 

My advice, get support, join a group (even if it's on the internet). Google "Resolve" it's a national infertility support organization. Our former church was large and we had an infertility counseling group. So very helpful.

As far as adoption, my heart wasn't there during the infertility struggle. I felt it wasn't right to adopt (as a consolation prize) to not being able to have a natural child.

 

[Heather in Neverland]

 

I felt it wasn't right to adopt (as a consolation prize) to not being able to have a natural child.

 

 

I am sure you didn't mean for this to be offensive, but to a mom who dealt with infertility and now has two adopted children... it was. Adopted children are NOT a consolation prize. They are a gift from God.

[iquilt]

I wanted to post as it sounds like I'm about 10 years past where you are now in your journey. Everyone's journeys are different but I remember feeling so much better after hearing from others. I have nearly 20 years worth of medical records to document our journey to parenthood and my recent journey to the end of that road. We initially got pregnant right away and all was great until I miscarried at 12 weeks. After that first miscarriage I had two years before we were able to conceive again, and this time with IUI and meds. I underwent test after test to determine the cause and never really had an answer. We did lose our second baby also, around the same time as the first, and at that point we were both done for awhile. We stopped paying for treatments and instead saved up to buy a house and I went back to school. I never relaxed, nor did that advice ever help me. After a point I needed to talk to another doctor and sort of start over again so I found a new doctor who took a completely different approach to our situation. Starting over was scary but within 3 weeks we had our answer and a treatment plan in place. We now have 3 children who were all born near term and all using the same treatment plan. The birth of our 3rd, however, caused major problems with my uterus and I recently had to have it removed. Now we are officially done and we are both very comfortable with that. Instead of insensitive remarks about when are we finally going to have children now I get insensitive remarks about how we only have 3 and when are going to have more?

 

As far as where you are at, you are at a very painful part in your journey. There is not much that took my pain away at that stage. I even had to avoid baby showers for friends at one point because I simply couldn't take it anymore. People who haven't had these issues do not understand and thought I was selfish, including my own MIL. After my first miscarriage she came to "help" and told me to stop crying and get over it.

 

Anyway, this journey is a huge part of my life and always will be but I have peace about the babies lost and about every decision that we had to make. And now It's over and I am blessed to no longer have to think about my cycle ever again.

 

I do hope you find the answers you are looking for and that everything works out for you and your family. If I can provide more specific help please feel free to message me.

[jillian]

Thank you. I am at the point I guess where if it happened great, but I also don't want to wait until I'm 30 for an IUI, the risks go up after 30 (so we've been told). We recently discovered that for some reason my ovaries aren't producing the proper amount of eggs as they should. I'm 26 and they are producing closer to peri-menopause levels, so while I ovulate regularly, my reserve is seriously diminished and they don't know why. We have an answer and I can't help that feeling that if we wait (and we have to financially and emotionally right now) that it won't work. I'd love to have some other options to explore and feel that if I am armed then I can talk to dh better.

[Ottakee]

If you are thinking of adoption it is important to think about what type of adoption do you want to do as different agencies specialize in different types of adoptions. Are you looking for a baby, toddler, older child? Domestic (in the US) or International? Do you have a specific desire for a boy or girl? Are you open to a child of a different ethnic/racial group or one of mixed heritage? What about special needs? Are you open to doing foster to adopt or just adopt?

 

The costs can vary from nothing to tens of thousands of dollars depending on the answers to the questions above.

 

Once you know what type of adoption you are interested in you can find a local adoption agency that focuses on that type of adoption. Some agencies do several types of adoption and will have informational meetings to discuss the various adoption programs. Those can be very helpful for you to learn your options, the process in your state, the costs, etc.

[jillian]

I think we'd prefer younger the better, dd is 5 now, and I'd be open to a non-white (i.e. doesn't look like us) adoption, but I think dh might have a problem with it, only because he's so pragmatic he might see it harder to bond. I don't think we could do special needs, we aren't those kinds of people, now unknown like a learning disability that's different but a serious long term health issue isn't on the table for us, dd's prescriptions are expensive already. We'd probably go U.S. adoption. Probably just adoption, not foster. I think we'd be open to either boy or girl ultimately. I really don't know anything about adoption other than it can be very expensive. I couldn't tell you anything else other than that though.

[mrseshaw]

 

 

I am sure you didn't mean for this to be offensive, but to a mom who dealt with infertility and now has two adopted children... it was. Adopted children are NOT a consolation prize. They are a gift from God.

 

Heather,

I meant for ME. I absolutely do not see adopted children as consolation prizes!!!

My heart was not in the right place to adopt. We only began to think adoption after the 5th failed ivf....and that right there was a giant red flag for us.

[Ottakee]

. I really don't know anything about adoption other than it can be very expensive. I couldn't tell you anything else other than that though.

 

I would check around with local adoption agencies to find a good informational class. They will explain the various options in your state, teh costs, types of children available in each program, etc. We are right now with Bethany Christian Services but I don't know if they are in SC.

[mrseshaw]

My aunt did "foster to adopt". She took in a foster child and 2 years later when the mother relinquished rights, my aunt adopted her.

[jillian]

Thanks guys. Yeah I've looked at adoption a few times and always said if I couldn't have children I would adopt. I haven't even talked to dh yet, the one time I brought it up he shut me down asap. I want to be more informed this time, especially since last time it was following a failed cycle. I'm in a better place and I'd like him to just have some information about what our options are versus just hoping it'll happen

[Jann in TX]

I had secondary infertility...

 

First 3 pregnancies were with 3 tries (but I did miscarried the first baby).

 

DD 2 was a very sick baby (preemie with RSV complications) so we waited until she was 2 and life had evened out before trying again. After 5 years we had given up and had settled for having 2 children (I did have a few additional miscarriages early on the first year we started trying again). I was homeschooling and all was well with our family. I was even happy to hear that my friends and family were having babies-- I was DONE-- and over 35 (feeling OLD).... then I started getting sick in the mornings... We were shocked and happily surprised--after 2 girls we were going to have a BOY! My placenta ruptured and he died at 20 weeks (I saw him sucking his thumb on an ultrasound and then a few hours later I was holding him...).

I ended up having to have surgery (due to botched D&C after having a retained part of the placenta). During the surgery they found stage 4 endometriosis (I never had a clue!) as well as scar tissue and adhesions (fully blocked tubes)... Dr was amazed that we even conceived in the first place!

Surgery was a success and our youngest DD was born the next year.

 

I know the pain of secondary infertility-- hard to imagine unless you have lived it. I have dear friends with secondary infertility-- they were never able to conceive again. Sometimes I feel a twinge of guilt because I was able to have my yougest DD...

[Jeannie in NJ]

Heather, you are 100% correct, our children are a gift from God. And Jillian I don't know of course if your dh will change his mind about adoption but my dh was "whatever" when I mentioned adoption. He said that I had to do everything, all the paperwork, etc and he just kind of went along with it. But once we got the picture of our dd and then again with our son, dh fell in love with them and his relationship with our dc is amazing, no different than if they were our bio dc and looked just like him (which they don't as they are Korean). Not saying this will happen with your dh but it did with mine so maybe it could with yours.

[jillian]

Heather, you are 100% correct, our children are a gift from God. And Jillian I don't know of course if your dh will change his mind about adoption but my dh was "whatever" when I mentioned adoption. He said that I had to do everything, all the paperwork, etc and he just kind of went along with it. But once we got the picture of our dd and then again with our son, dh fell in love with them and his relationship with our dc is amazing, no different than if they were our bio dc and looked just like him (which they don't as they are Korean). Not saying this will happen with your dh but it did with mine so maybe it could with yours.

 

Thank you. I think he is worried about loving a child that isn't his own kwim? He worries about how we, but mainly he would bond with someone who wasn't his.

[nono]

Heather,

I meant for ME. I absolutely do not see adopted children as consolation prizes!!!

My heart was not in the right place to adopt. We only began to think adoption after the 5th failed ivf....and that right there was a giant red flag for us.

 

 

You are absolutely right. I have met in person and seen more than one adoptive parent online show the "consolation prize" mentality. It sickens me. I admire you for being aware enough to make the right decision not to go down the adoption path.

[PRTGSw2K]

We are also dealing with secondary infertility. DS was a surprise. DH and I had been together for over 7 years by the time I became pregnant with him. DD took a few months to conceive — 4-6 months. Can't remember exactly now. We have been TTC #3 for almost 3 years now. I've started to accept that it isn't going to happen. I don't ovulate regularly and have very low fertility. The chances of us ever having another are very slim. Most of the time now, I'm fine. Soometimes the pain springs up and overwhelms me. I've been told that time heals that wound and that eventually, it will fade.

 

(((HUGS)))

[somo_chickenlady]

Like you, DS was VERY easy to conceive. We weren't even trying, he was an "accident". Then, when he was 18 months old we decided to start trying for another child. We did a ton of fertility stuff, short of IVF b/c we couldn't afford it. I did manage to get pregnant 5 times, but each ended in miscarriage...another reason why we didn't want to spend the money on IVF. We tried to do adoption, but for multiple reasons we were never able to finish the process. We tried becoming foster/adopt parents a few years ago when we lived in Nebraska but we never finished the process of becoming licensed. We tried again in Missouri last year, and although we finished the process, things kept going wrong so we quit when we decided to move. We took this all a sign that we aren't meant to have more children. We both figured that after everything we have been through and tried to have more children and nothing came from it, then it wasn't meant to be. About 5 months ago we gave up after 12 years of trying. I had a Mirena placed in December b/c of really bad periods.

 

It was VERY hard for me to come to terms with my infertility, b/c for my whole life (literally...since I can remember) I have wanted nothing more than to be a mom to a bunch of kids. I certainly didn't want to be the parent to an only child. There were many years of personal grief that no one I knew understood. My DH honestly didn't care if we had more children or not, so he didn't go through the same thing I did. I honestly can't pinpoint or tell you what helped me get over it...I think just time. I'm not saying that I wouldn't be thrilled if we did manage to get pregnant at some point, and I am disappointed that we never were able to, but I really have come to a point where I am okay with the decision to stop trying. Our son just turned 14. DH and I both felt like we would be starting over again if we got pregnant at this point, especially since we are so close to our son going to college and having the house to ourselves. We are getting excited at the thought of being able to be able to just be us, to be able to travel together while we are still young (I just turned 35, DH will be turning 37 soon) and then enjoy our grandchildren.

 

I wish I had some advice for you, but I don't. I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone and I do know how you feel.

[jillian]

I honestly right now feel fairly okay with not being pregnant and I am ready to tell my husband that I do not want to do anymore interventions, I don't mind "trying" if you get what I mean, i.e. not preventing, but I don't think I want to do any more interventions. I've felt this way for awhile. Time to talk to my husband lol

[Splash]

I have never been pregnant but went through infertility treatments and tests for several years. Best advice is decide how long you are willing to pursue pregnancy and where you personally draw the line for treatments and interventions. It will be different for everyone. Our line was IVF. The cost was too high with very low chance of success in our case. It has bee 18 years and five adoptions since our final visit with infertility specialist visit.

 

 

[somo_chickenlady]

I honestly right now feel fairly okay with not being pregnant and I am ready to tell my husband that I do not want to do anymore interventions, I don't mind "trying" if you get what I mean, i.e. not preventing, but I don't think I want to do any more interventions. I've felt this way for awhile. Time to talk to my husband lol

 

I understand. I hit that point a long time ago. We "tried" (not preventing) for quite a few years, but I couldn't go through any more interventions b/c it was just too hard being SO disappointed (way more disappointed than just letting nature take it's course).

[jillian]

I talked to my husband tonight and he is very open to adoption, within 2-5 years so we can be stable. He is getting out of the navy in about 2 years (march 2015) and then we don't know where we will be or what will be going and with our dd's arthritis we need to make sure we are stable in all aspects as much as possible. I am going for my Marriage and Family Therapy licensure as soon as I graduate.

[KrissiK]

I have never been pregnant but went through infertility treatments and tests for several years. Best advice is decide how long you are willing to pursue pregnancy and where you personally draw the line for treatments and interventions. It will be different for everyone. Our line was IVF. The cost was too high with very low chance of success in our case. It has bee 18 years and five adoptions since our final visit with infertility specialist visit.

 

My sil is an OB/GYN and she said that very thing waaaay back when we were starting to realize we were infertile. She said it can be a slippery slope when you are in the middle of it, so it's important to decide as a couple,"we're going to go this far and that's it!" However far it is that you are willing to go is up to you.