Does anyone sleep separately from their spouse?

[Melissa in Australia]

We have tried it, And I hated it. When DH was really really bad with his MCS, he could not tolerate being in the house for that length of time, So he slept out on the veranda. We did this for about 3 years, while we completely renovated our house and built a special bedroom that he could tolerate. for the first 2 years he was there by himself. We found that it severely impacted nighttime activity, bringing it down to as little as once a month. :crying: . After the two years I shifted out there with him, which wasn't ideal if you know what I mean. :leaving:

we now are back together in the same bed, and I will say that it is much much better, we sleep spooned.

[Ellie]

Okay, I guess we're weird. Slept in the same bed for 34 years.

 

 

38 years here.:-)

 

A few times when *I've* been sick I slept in a guest room because I was coughing and hacking and all that; and I've slept in there when we had a new kitty (long story). But generally, our big ol' king-sized bed is big enough for the both of us. :-)

[Elinor Everywhere]

This is so timely....I asked dh to sleep on the couch two nights ago so I could get some sleep. And boy, I slept and slept and slept....until almost 10:00am!!! Obviously, I was tired. :D

 

Fortunately, our couch is very comfy and he won't mind sleeping there at least 2-3 times a week. He also travels frequently, and I sleep like a log on the nights he's gone.

 

I felt weird at first, but we've been married 22 years and spend a lot of waking time together, so I don't anticipate a problem from a marriage perspective. And I get grouchy and lazy without enough sleep. :tongue_smilie:

[Guest]

We don't sleep separately, but we go to bed separately almost all the time. He is the snorer and I would much rather be asleep when he comes to bed. I really need to decompress with no other people buggin me. I have thought before that I would not mind if we had separate sleeping spaces. We can always "meet up" for a spot of tea in the morning. :o

[tex-mex]

25 years of marriage.

I don't sleep separately... but I kind of like the "white noise" in the room while I sleep. (I know... I am strange.) Apparantly, I can sleep thru anything. Tornado siren. B-52 flying over our house (this happened a few days ago and I did not hear it). LOL ;)

 

If I am sick, I will sleep on the recliner if I have a COUGH as it will disturb his sleep -- as he is a light sleeper and really struggles throughout the night for good rest. But that is like 2 times a year when that happens.

 

That being said, I highly recommend a sleep study along with weight loss. My hubby lost 35 lbs but still struggled with the apnea. He got a study done and now is on a CPAP machine and it is a miracle! He wakes up with no headaches and energy now.

[nd293]

There was a long thread about this on the past. It made me feel much better to find out that sleeping apart is not uncommon. I am not sure why our culture tells us that sleeping alone is essential for children, but abnormal for adults! Dh goes to bed early and wakes early. I go to bed later, and sleep badly. I also need some quiet time to myself before bed. Sleeping apart works better for us.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Okay, I guess we're weird. Slept in the same bed for 34 years.

38 years here.:-) A few times when *I've* been sick I slept in a guest room because I was coughing and hacking and all that; and I've slept in there when we had a new kitty (long story). But generally, our big ol' king-sized bed is big enough for the both of us. :-)

 

Not weird. Just fortunate that you or your husband don't have issues that keep you from getting the healthy sleep you both need. I see my bed choice as a health issue, not a marriage issue.

[AlmiraGulch]

If my husband hadn't had a sleep study that resulted in a C-PAP I don't know what we would have done. Not only does he snore like a buzz saw, he definitely has apnea and stops breathing several times a night. First, he'd wake me up with the ridiculous snoring, then I'd be too concerned to go back to sleep and I'd lie awake shaking him every time he stopped breathing. The C-PAP has been a miracle worker for us both.

 

I'm a snorer myself, and pretty loudly sometimes. But I don't have apnea, and he can sleep through anything. I say as long as it isn't a health issue and as long as it isn't keeping him awake I'm not paying the money for the study.

[Word Nerd]

I once visited a house where the master suite was divided by a wall and had his and hers beds on either side. They had a common sitting area and shared the bathroom.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

We've slept apart for four years because of dh's snoring.

[fraidycat]

This past year, we rarely sleep in the same bed/room for a variety of different reasons.

 

1- I'm a night owl and he has to be up about 1-3 hours after I'm going to bed. When I do go to bed, I disturb him because he's a light sleeper - he doesn't complain about it, but I feel bad anyway.

 

2- DS has really become Daddy's little buddy the past few months. He always wants to sleep with Daddy at night - and they go to bed earlier than me.

 

3- I MUCH prefer sleeping in the kids' hammocks. Better said, my BACK much prefers for me to sleep in the kids' hammocks. :) I have a totally different body waking up from a hammock than the bed.

 

That said, DD always wants someone to snuggle with her at bedtime, too. DH's back also prefers the hammock. We are currently planning for the whole family to sleep in one room - each in separate hammocks to alleviate the game of "musical beds" or "who's sleeping where tonight?" that seems to get played most nights around here. If my going to bed later still disturbs DH, I may still sleep in a separate room - we'll have to wait and see.

 

TeA is not affected by our sleeping arrangements. ;)

[BakersDozen]

There was a long thread about this on the past. It made me feel much better to find out that sleeping apart is not uncommon.

I had my dh read every single post on that thread because I had just requested that he bunk in with the boys after putting up with his loud breathing for 12 years. He refused to go to a doctor when we had 100% insurance coverage, and I was DONE with poor sleep. It was one thing when the kids were little and I could nap when they did, but as they got older and my responsibilities increased I came to value my sleep over anything. I don't feel it affected our marriage or, if it did, it was for the better because I was so angry with my dh it affected my relationship with him a lot.

[TravelingChris]

I don't sleep separately since dh doesn't have a snoring problem so I can't help you with the separate room thing. However, we sleep in the same bed but it is a European bed so it is made with separate enough frames and separate mattresses that join together. It means that as my dh puts it, I sleep on a mountain. He sleeps on a plain. He misses me but other than kissing him goodnight, there really isn't anything I can do. I need to sleep elevated due to asthma and gerd, particularly the gerd.

[Izzy]

This is us!! I have insomnia too and DH falls asleep within minutes which gives me sleep anxiety about not sleeping. Then his snoring wakes me up every half hour once I do fall asleep. I need my sleep. :D

 

Yes, because HE snores like a freight train and also falls asleep at the drop of a hat, whereas I have chronic insomnia. It's either sleep separately or smother him with a pillow.

[KatieJ]

We are this week due to redoing our bedroom. (Beds in our guest rooms are double and waaaaaaaaaaaaay too small for us.) After 37 years of the same bed, it's wierd to be in different rooms.

I hope one of us doesn't decide we like it.

[momma aimee]

we have slept apart for 5 years. it is great for us.

 

we have a family bed with the children. when it was DH and me and one baby we all slept together most nights, we'd start out all together but 50% DH moved to a differnt room -- baby noise, feedings and so on . when we had baby 2 dh moved in to the other room 95% of the time.

 

works for us. i put the boys down in the big bed. dh and i can DTD in the guest room or the living room or .....so the family bed / sleeping apart has not effect our sex life.

 

we have our time together and much as we want.

 

we both sleep better. and everyone is happy

[Mynyel]

We sleep apart as well. It started only because he didn't want to wake the baby we co-sleep with. He would stir when dh came to bed (he is a night owl I am not.... for the most part). So he started sleeping on the couch and coming in late in the morning. It just went on. I think it will be more of an adjustment for him to come back to bed than it was for him to stay out of it.

 

He has said before that is was only the poor that had to sleep in the same bed. The aristocracy slept in different rooms, sometimes different wings of the home. He says it makes it more fun because then you can sneak in to each others rooms (yes imagine a Cheshire cat grin).

[Dustybug]

Yes, but it's because he works an overnight shift. I sleep at night. He sleeps during the day.

[Audrey]

That would make me very sad, too. I absolutely would never want to have to sleep apart from my dh! The snoring doesn't have to keep you apart. I echo the PP who suggested having a sleep study done. There are things that can be done to alleviate your snoring, too. Some people use various devices that are helpful, but it really depends on why you are snoring. A sleep study will help you determine the reasons and come up with some solutions.

[jewellsmommy]

I should probably do that. Right now, I am having another health issue (having surgery on Thursday), so when that is cleared up I will definitely look into it. Dh says he has never heard me stop breathing, but with my weight and snoring, it would be a good idea. Wonder if my insurance will cover it?

 

I never heard my dh stop breathing, but he did...over 170 times in a night according to his sleep study! I always heard him snore horribly, but never thought that he had sleep apnea. We had no idea how bad off he was. The doctor said he was taking years off his life. Dh always woke up exhausted and was late to work a lot. We never slept apart because I just dealt with it, but we wish he had looked into the sleep study years earlier. He has been on a cpap machine now for over 2.5 years, and we both sleep better.

 

Definitely look into it. If it is not apnea, then chances are good that there is an over the counter product/remedy that could help. I have seen several.

 

And...our insurance did cover a majority of the costs. We just had our usual co-pays.

[meggie]

That would make me very sad, too. I absolutely would never want to have to sleep apart from my dh! The snoring doesn't have to keep you apart. I echo the PP who suggested having a sleep study done. There are things that can be done to alleviate your snoring, too. Some people use various devices that are helpful, but it really depends on why you are snoring. A sleep study will help you determine the reasons and come up with some solutions.

Not everyone can afford it, even though we know it would help.

[Audrey]

Not everyone can afford it, even though we know it would help.

 

I'm sorry if that's the case. Here, I can get one with a referral from my GP at no out-of-pocket cost to me.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Don't pity those of us who don't sleep with our spouses too much. I had to get over the cultural expectation that spouses do have to sleep together to be close but as someone else said, it actually made my marriage better. The frustration and resentment of not being able to sleep wasn't good for my marriage. Nor was the grumpiness from being sleep deprived! Now in my case, my sleep and nighttime pain problems were not magically solved by another bed but at least I'm not still worrying all night about waking my dh up. We have physical closeness in many ways - just not during the hours we are actually asleep.

[gracesteacher]

Most sleep centers associated with hospitals will help you with or with out insurance with paying for the sleep study. When you are working with the equipment provider they can get you refurbished machine for less. These company's in my experience are able to work with you. My sister in law has worked out not only her various sleep studies but also for machines and masks.

If you snore you either have apnea or you will.

 

My hubby and I havent sleep in the same bed in years. We work two different shifts different days off. Sadly he snores however does not yet qualify for a CPAP.... yet.

[elegantlion]

Don't pity those of us who don't sleep with our spouses too much. I had to get over the cultural expectation that spouses do have to sleep together to be close but as someone else said, it actually made my marriage better. The frustration and resentment of not being able to sleep wasn't good for my marriage. Nor was the grumpiness from being sleep deprived! Now in my case, my sleep and nighttime pain problems were not magically solved by another bed but at least I'm not still worrying all night about waking my dh up. We have physical closeness in many ways - just not during the hours we are actually asleep.

 

Yes, this. My sleep is sacred, dh and I just have different sleep patterns. I don't like to be touched when I'm sleeping. He likes noise. If anything, this realization has saved our marriage. In the daylight, I'm a very affectionate person, I love hugs and grab them from dh and ds accordingly. When I sleep, don't touch me, plus as someone else stated, I flop like a fish.

[NotSoObvious]

I don't have time to read all the responses. I just wanted to say that my husband and I slept in separate rooms for the first ten years of our marriage. Then we bought a Tempurpedic and we"ve slept in the same bed ever since. I wish we would have bought one a decade ago.

 

It's amazing what sleep deprivation does to a person, and it's amazing what sleeping in the same bed did for our marriage. Sleep study, new bed, surgery, something... It's worth it!

 

ETA: I also don't think there is anything wrong with sleeping apart from your spouse. It's the only way we were able to sleep. However, *I* am happy we can finally sleep together.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

That would make me very sad, too. I absolutely would never want to have to sleep apart from my dh! The snoring doesn't have to keep you apart. I echo the PP who suggested having a sleep study done. There are things that can be done to alleviate your snoring, too. Some people use various devices that are helpful, but it really depends on why you are snoring. A sleep study will help you determine the reasons and come up with some solutions.

 

 

 

Yeah. My dh just had a sleep study done on Dec. 16th. He claims there was no paperwork given to him at the follow-up appointment. According to him, the sleep study said that he doesn't have sleep apnea when he sleeps on his side. He does, however, stop breathing 50-60 times per minute when he sleeps on his back. So, his solution? He'll just sleep on his side. :001_rolleyes:

I've been begging for 10 years for him to get a sleep study, and this is what I get out of it. I still hear him snoring all night, even though we are in separate rooms. He does fall asleep on his side, but doesn't stay that way for very long. According to him, the doctor said for him to put tennis balls in some kind of harness in his shirt. That way if he rolls on his back he will be uncomfortable and move back to his side. Suuuuuurrrre. That'll work. :glare: He, of course, doesn't want to buy the harness thing because it's too expensive, so he thinks he's sleeping on his side by his own volition. I can't argue with him about it anymore, so I'm just staying in my own room and wearing earplugs when I need to. You really can't help some people if they don't want to help themselves.

[BarbecueMom]

We share a bed because I can hear him snore just as well from the couch as when he's lying right there next to me. DH had a sleep study done, no apnea, but probably just a side effect of his spinal injury. He didn't start snoring until that happened.

 

At least if he's snoring next to me, I can kick him.

[alisoncooks]

I should probably do that. Right now, I am having another health issue (having surgery on Thursday), so when that is cleared up I will definitely look into it. Dh says he has never heard me stop breathing, but with my weight and snoring, it would be a good idea. Wonder if my insurance will cover it?

 

My DH & I slept apart for the last 10 years, off and on, but the last 6 absolutely. He snored terrible and I'm the light sleeper. We did notice that DH stopped breathing in his sleep and he had a sleep study done about a year ago. Insurance covered MOST of it (we still had to pay a bit for his Cpap machine). Anyway, they make those things much smaller, more comfy and quieter than they used to be! Since he's been using it, we sleep together again and -- for the most part -- I sleep okay. (Right now DH has congestion from a cold and he's making snoring type noises and that wakes me...but that can't really be helped.)

 

Anyway, I didn't mind sleeping separate, but DH didn't like sleeping on the couch for our kids to see him there each morning.

[KatieJ]

 

 

Yeah. My dh just had a sleep study done on Dec. 16th. He claims there was no paperwork given to him at the follow-up appointment. According to him, the sleep study said that he doesn't have sleep apnea when he sleeps on his side. He does, however, stop breathing 50-60 times per minute when he sleeps on his back. So, his solution? He'll just sleep on his side. :001_rolleyes:

I've been begging for 10 years for him to get a sleep study, and this is what I get out of it. I still hear him snoring all night, even though we are in separate rooms. He does fall asleep on his side, but doesn't stay that way for very long. According to him, the doctor said for him to put tennis balls in some kind of harness in his shirt. That way if he rolls on his back he will be uncomfortable and move back to his side. Suuuuuurrrre. That'll work. :glare: He, of course, doesn't want to buy the harness thing because it's too expensive, so he thinks he's sleeping on his side by his own volition. I can't argue with him about it anymore, so I'm just staying in my own room and wearing earplugs when I need to. You really can't help some people if they don't want to help themselves.

 

 

Wow. I am surprised at the advice given your husband. I am not sure that is the whole story, but I gather you figured that your own.

I have read you can sew pockets onto the back of whatever he chooses to wear to bed and put tennis balls in those. You do not need a special harness to accomplish this.

I have been told by sleep therapists that most people with sleep apnea don't sleep on their back as they can't breath. I have been a stomach sleeper my whole life. I really can't breath on my back and never have.

[GraciebytheBay]

Okay, I guess we're weird. Slept in the same bed for 34 years.

 

No, not weird. Just lucky not to have any sleep issues like a lot of us. :)

[GraciebytheBay]

Personally, I enjoy having the bed to myself. I think dh still has the mindset that it is somehow wrong, but our new bed hurts his back.

 

This is my mindset too, but I can't figure out why I am so upset about it. We are unconscious anyway!

 

 

Once ds graduates I'm hoping to turn the classroom (which is a bedroom) into my own ladies retreat with bed. Then dh can have his bedroom back.

 

I love this idea! I am not really excited about the idea of the kids being permanently out of the house, but I will say that I have done the math. :rolleyes: (1.5-2 years, depending on when ds #2 gets his first post-college job, then hopefully soon after for ds #1 to have his Ph.D. After that, ds#3 will be in college. It occurs to me that this will all happen very quickly, and I may be so sad that I don't care where I sleep!)

[GraciebytheBay]

Yes, because HE snores like a freight train and also falls asleep at the drop of a hat, whereas I have chronic insomnia. It's either sleep separately or smother him with a pillow.

:smilielol5: I kind of feel like that's where dh is with lil' ole me! Since I would be the smotheree, I will keep this in mind when I am tempted to complain!

[GraciebytheBay]

What helped me are Hearos Xtreme ear plugs (Rite Aid, Amazon) and using a 3" thick memory foam mattress topper. Snoring and moving are both taken care of.

 

So a memory foam mattress topper will absorb a big turnover? Interesting! Even on a queen - not king - sized bed?

[GraciebytheBay]

So nice to know we are not the only ones!

 

Right?! I am SO relieved to know that other people with healthy marriages sleep apart! I still don't prefer it, but I know my dh needs to be able to function the next day. It is just nice to know that we're not alone being alone. :001_rolleyes:

[GraciebytheBay]

3- I MUCH prefer sleeping in the kids' hammocks. Better said, my BACK much prefers for me to sleep in the kids' hammocks. :) I have a totally different body waking up from a hammock than the bed.

 

...DH's back also prefers the hammock. We are currently planning for the whole family to sleep in one room - each in separate hammocks...

 

 

This is so interesting. I am going to google sleeping hammocks - I have not heard of them. A family sleeping room with hanging hammocks? Wow, that is fascinating to me! I love out of the box thinking, though I rarely am one to think that way.

[GraciebytheBay]

Don't pity those of us who don't sleep with our spouses too much. I had to get over the cultural expectation that spouses do have to sleep together to be close but as someone else said, it actually made my marriage better. The frustration and resentment of not being able to sleep wasn't good for my marriage. Nor was the grumpiness from being sleep deprived! Now in my case, my sleep and nighttime pain problems were not magically solved by another bed but at least I'm not still worrying all night about waking my dh up. We have physical closeness in many ways - just not during the hours we are actually asleep.

 

Jean, now that you mention it, I think I am sleeping better because I am not worrying about waking dh up. I would turn over and have to stay awake until I heard him fall back asleep so I wouldn't start snoring and keep him awake for the rest of the night. Sometimes that was 15-30 minutes! I don't think I was as well rested as I should have been either. Tonight will be Night #5 of sleeping apart, and I really see a difference in dh's mood (for the better, that's for sure!) and he is more affectionate with me. For example, I got a hug for making dinner last night. Whaaat? ;)

[GraciebytheBay]

I never heard my dh stop breathing, but he did...over 170 times in a night according to his sleep study! I always heard him snore horribly, but never thought that he had sleep apnea. We had no idea how bad off he was. The doctor said he was taking years off his life. Dh always woke up exhausted and was late to work a lot. We never slept apart because I just dealt with it, but we wish he had looked into the sleep study years earlier. He has been on a cpap machine now for over 2.5 years, and we both sleep better.

 

Definitely look into it. If it is not apnea, then chances are good that there is an over the counter product/remedy that could help. I have seen several.

 

And...our insurance did cover a majority of the costs. We just had our usual co-pays.

 

170 times! Okay, I am inspired to make the phone call next week. Yikes - that is scary! Thanks for sharing.

[CupOCoffee]

DH and I also sleep apart. While we both snore and use c-pap machines, our sleeping apart is due to pain issues for both of us. We've slept apart for the last 6 years (25 years married). I can sleep pretty much anywhere and through a lot of stuff; I can also function pretty well on less sleep than he needs. I'm the one that sleeps on the sofa -- we had a very comfy sofa for a LONG time and it wore out. We got a new sofa and one of the CRITICAL criteria was that it be comfy enough for me to sleep on. I go to bed before the rest of the family and wake up LONG before they do to go to work.

 

There's still plenty of TeA served in our house, when our pain levels are up to it.