To the people whose relatives buy them too many gifts...

[Catwoman]

 

This topic has come up in several threads recently, and I have thought a lot about it. I probably shouldn't start a thread about it, and I know that many people will disagree with me, but here's the thing:

 

To those people whose kids get a lot of gifts from their grandparents, please take a moment and be incredibly thankful that they have grandparents at all, and be even more thankful that they have grandparents who care enough to want to make your kids happy by buying them special gifts. So what if the two sets of grandparents get a little competitive? They love the kids and want to be their favorites -- so what? There are only a few major gift-giving holidays each year. Let them have their fun, because here's the thing -- they might not be here next year. Both of my parents passed away within 10 months of each other, so one Christmas my ds had both of his grandparents whom he absolutely loved and adored, and the next... there were none. And it was horribly sad. And it still is. And I am so thankful that we spent so much time with them while they were alive, and that I would tell them and my brother the top toys on my ds's list so they could be the ones to give them to them, because he still remembers all that stuff, and it means a lot to him.

 

Please, everyone, remember that Christmas is a time for your kids to make great memories with their entire family, and if the gift-givers mean well, be grateful and excited and happy. I'm saying this as the mom of a kid whose grandparents and only uncle are no longer with us, and while I don't want to be depressing at Christmastime, I do hope you'll remember that next Christmas isn't guaranteed for anyone, so please try to enjoy it and to think the best of the people who are giving gifts to you and your kids.

 

You have no idea how much it would mean to me to be exchanging gifts tomorrow with my mom, my dad, my brother, and my MIL. But it's never going to happen again. So please, please keep that in mind before you hurt a family member's feelings because they gave your kids too much stuff. One year, you may be walking through the mall crying because you just saw something you know your mom would have loved to have bought for your kid... except that this year it has to come from you, because your mom isn't around any more. Stuff like that really makes you remember how important it is to appreciate the people whom you love, and who love you.

[Jane in NC]

But were those posters discussing "special gifts" or just lots of stuff?

 

Look, my Mom is gone as are my husband's parents. But none of them inundated my son with stuff. We miss the cookie baking and singing Christmas carols with them. Spending time with special people is truly wonderful. But I don't equate this with piles of presents.

 

I come from pragmatic people. I love giving homemade gifts or adding a little something to a child's college/travel account, recognizing that I lack the shopping gene. If my son received a large pile of stuff beyond his wants, I don't think that I would be a happy camper either.

 

That said, I do believe that all gifts should be accepted with graciousness.

 

Merry Christmas Cat.

[momto3innc]

:grouphug:

 

This is the first Christmas without my grandma. As a child growing up, I remember my dad always telling her (nicely) that she did too much. She really did--she gave me an obscene amount of gifts as a child. I told her the same thing (but not with much force...it was just who she was) about my kids. For her, her love language was gifts. She LOVED to give gifts. Sometimes they were more expensive, in later years they may have been quite a few things from garage sales. I noticed the other day how much emptier it looked under our tree this year...and realized that was why. It is so very sad for me. Not the absence of gifts, but her absence this year. I fully agree, OP, with all you said. There were years she went too crazy with gifts, but we found ways to nicely donate what we didn't or need or be creative. It just brought her so much joy. She is greatly missed this year.

[regentrude]

I agree with Cat.

I have similar feelings about all the threads and facebook postings where people complain that they have to spend the holidays with family and their idiosyncrasies.

I would be very happy if I could have family visit or go visit them for the holidays. I would gladly drive ten hours, or sleep on the floor to give up my bed to short notice unexpected visitors, accommodate weird dietary preferences, accept unwanted gifts for the kids. I would love to, but can not, because all of my and DH's family are overseas. And my grandmothers, who were always part of our family Christmas celebrations, are no longer alive. Christmas makes me lonely and homesick.

[Impish]

I agree w/Cat as well.

 

When I was talking to my parents, I never knew if they were going to bother w/my kids at Christmas or not. Birthdays? Forget it. Not even a card.

 

I'd LOVE it if my kids had grandparents that actually bothered w/them. My MIL, as nuts as she is, at least remembers their birthdays.

[Farrar]

We've had this situation. I generally agree. It does vaguely annoys me because often too much just means waste. My in-laws used to just buy totally random things - clothes that wouldn't fit, toys my boys were obviously too old for. We worked to gently guide them toward being more focused gifters. But even when it was at its most annoying, I was very grateful that they loved my kids and were so interested in being in their lives and in trying to spoil them. One of my grandmothers was a total spoiler and she is, for me, the model of what makes a good grandparent - all love, zero judgment, complete devotion to us grandyoungins.

 

But sometimes there are other circumstances. I knew a family where the grandmother kept giving more and more elaborate gifts despite the fact that she was struggling to pay rent. That was a problem. And I see the downside with some families where they struggle to make the children grateful for things. I mean, we've all seen the images of the young kids getting the wrong color iphone or whatever and having a Christmas tantrum over it. Ugh. To say that giving many hundreds of dollars of gifts every year doesn't contribute to that seems incorrect.

[TechWife]

Cat - You posted much of what I've been thinking this year. My husband's parents were gone before our son was born. In the past few years, we have also buried my husbands two brothers and one of mine. Much of my family is not in a financial position to give gifts, they are struggling to make ends meet for their own families. It is very hard to watch.

 

This Christmas I wish that my father could still see so that I could give him an Arduino to tinker with - he'd love it. I wish my mom could get out of the house safely, I'd take her to a play. I wish my brother didn't have a learning disability so that he could get a GED and make a better living. I wish my nieces & nephews could go to college so that they could make ends meet a little bit easier in the long run. I wish my husband's parents had met our son & had time to play with him. I wish our brothers were here, so that they could spend time getting to know our son and encourage in this new phase of life called adolescence.

 

It's a hard time of year.

[Guest]

:grouphug: to you, Cat. I understand your sentiments. My sister was one of the gift-burying aunts that always bugged me and made me hate exchanging gifts in my family. She died quite suddenly in June 2008 and it did give me a new perspective on her strange and excessive gifts. There were little remnants of my sister all over my house as she would give my kids everything from soccer-ball-shaped chewing gum to Hello Kitty band-aids to weird Christmas-themed socks. It touched me in a fresh way knowing that those things would never come again.

 

At the same time, I can appreciate how difficult it can be to be the recipient of excessive presents. It caused me a lot of aggravation years ago. I felt like it was such a waste of time and resources to get things only to shuffle more than half of them back out the door less than a year later.

 

So, I see both views on this issue. It is similar to when I lost my baby daughter at birth and then had to listen to my SILs complain about how their babies woke up twenty times a night or cried when put down. I ached to have such a problem. I wished my baby could wake me up twenty times a night, because I had to bury her. But the reality is, when you're the mom who lost your baby, that is the worst problem you have, but when you are the mom who is sleep-deprived, that is the worst problem you have. It doesn't invalidate the problem of night-wakers because there are mothers whose baby didn't make it. Know what I mean? I just give :grouphug: to all hard things.

[Nakia]

Your post brought tears to my eyes. All four of my grandparents passed away within the last two years. I miss them terribly.

 

My parents and Patrick's dad (Patrick's mother passed away when Patrick was small) are excessive. I just let them be.

 

I hope you have a very blessed Christmas, Cat.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I think a part of it is that in some cases, all this gift giving isn't entirely altruistic. There are certain family members who don't give gifts because they want to see the joy on the kids faces. They want to give gifts to be considered the "good grandma" or "the favorite aunt". My mom does like to shop for crap. She'd much rather give the kids 30 items of junk from the dollar store than buy them a Wii or DS game that they'd like. The kids' feelings are not really considered in the purchase.

 

My late aunt used to buy us nice gifts, but there was always an expectation that we would do something for her in return. It got to the point where we all dreaded her giving us things.

 

Then all the happy family gatherings are alway tempered with the uncertainty of what is going to happen THIS year. Is drug addict cousin going to show up with her boyfriend of the month and steal our wallets while we're all happily playing a game in the basement? Is Uncle Joe going to get ripped on eggnog and wine and start telling Aunt Jane that's she fat and ugly? My point is that just because you have your family in your life, doesn't mean that it is necessarily better than NOT having the family around.

 

But, I do believe all gifts should be accepted graciously. That is just common courtesy. I'm also very sorry for all of you who would like to be with your family but can't.

 

I hope everyone has a marvelous Christmas and no one's family gets out of control! Peace, love, and happiness to all!

[momtokea]

 

 

This topic has come up in several threads recently, and I have thought a lot about it. I probably shouldn't start a thread about it, and I know that many people will disagree with me, but here's the thing:

 

To those people whose kids get a lot of gifts from their grandparents, please take a moment and be incredibly thankful that they have grandparents at all, and be even more thankful that they have grandparents who care enough to want to make your kids happy by buying them special gifts. So what if the two sets of grandparents get a little competitive? They love the kids and want to be their favorites -- so what? There are only a few major gift-giving holidays each year. Let them have their fun, because here's the thing -- they might not be here next year. Both of my parents passed away within 10 months of each other, so one Christmas my ds had both of his grandparents whom he absolutely loved and adored, and the next... there were none. And it was horribly sad. And it still is. And I am so thankful that we spent so much time with them while they were alive, and that I would tell them and my brother the top toys on my ds's list so they could be the ones to give them to them, because he still remembers all that stuff, and it means a lot to him.

 

Please, everyone, remember that Christmas is a time for your kids to make great memories with their entire family, and if the gift-givers mean well, be grateful and excited and happy. I'm saying this as the mom of a kid whose grandparents and only uncle are no longer with us, and while I don't want to be depressing at Christmastime, I do hope you'll remember that next Christmas isn't guaranteed for anyone, so please try to enjoy it and to think the best of the people who are giving gifts to you and your kids.

 

You have no idea how much it would mean to me to be exchanging gifts tomorrow with my mom, my dad, my brother, and my MIL. But it's never going to happen again. So please, please keep that in mind before you hurt a family member's feelings because they gave your kids too much stuff. One year, you may be walking through the mall crying because you just saw something you know your mom would have loved to have bought for your kid... except that this year it has to come from you, because your mom isn't around any more. Stuff like that really makes you remember how important it is to appreciate the people whom you love, and who love you.

 

 

Best post ever.

[Guest]

I think a part of it is that in some cases, all this gift giving isn't entirely altruistic. There are certain family members who don't give gifts because they want to see the joy on the kids faces. They want to give gifts to be considered the "good grandma" or "the favorite aunt". My mom does like to shop for crap. She'd much rather give the kids 30 items of junk from the dollar store than buy them a Wii or DS game that they'd like. The kids' feelings are not really considered in the purchase.

 

My late aunt used to buy us nice gifts, but there was always an expectation that we would do something for her in return. It got to the point where we all dreaded her giving us things.

 

Then all the happy family gatherings are alway tempered with the uncertainty of what is going to happen THIS year. Is drug addict cousin going to show up with her boyfriend of the month and steal our wallets while we're all happily playing a game in the basement? Is Uncle Joe going to get ripped on eggnog and wine and start telling Aunt Jane that's she fat and ugly? My point is that just because you have your family in your life, doesn't mean that it is necessarily better than NOT having the family around.

 

But, I do believe all gifts should be accepted graciously. That is just common courtesy. I'm also very sorry for all of you who would like to be with your family but can't.

 

I hope everyone has a marvelous Christmas and no one's family gets out of control! Peace, love, and happiness to all!

 

ITA. I have dealt with exactly those bolded things. You also made me LOL about the uncertainty of what is going to happen this year!

[GraciebytheBay]

I struggle with reading about this problem as well. I will admit to feeling just a bit sad on my kids' birthdays and Christmas when there is nobody to send them a measly card or give them a gift (except my sister). Dh's parents are gone, my father is gone, and my mother has Alzheimers. (She does give them quarters she won at Bingo, which is quite special and precious, as that's all she has to give anymore.) My youngers often mention how weird it is to talk to their friends, who all have family get-togethers with lots of gifts and parties over the holidays. They can't even conceive of this.

[Zebra]

Catwoman,

 

I usually agree with you, and I appreciate what you are saying here, but I have to say I disagree with you on this one.

 

What I have experienced is hoarder level gift giving. It's not okay, and it's not loving. It's an indication that the person has a problem. It's almost like alcoholism to me, these people spend money like they are alcoholics drinking. And it's more about accumulating stuff than anything. This isn't Grandma accidentally going overboard. When you need to buy 8 sweaters for one kid "because they are on sale", and 100's of other scenarios like that, something is wrong. And when you have several people in your family like that, it's very upsetting and overwhelming for the recipients. It takes away from the holiday, it really does.

[Kyr]

and some of us have relatives that send scads of gifts or money in lieu of spending time with us. I would far rather we had family that wanted to make memories with us, but their priorities are different.

[Heatherwith4]

Cat,

I agree 100%

[Heather in Neverland]

I agree with Cat.

I have similar feelings about all the threads and facebook postings where people complain that they have to spend the holidays with family and their idiosyncrasies.

I would be very happy if I could have family visit or go visit them for the holidays. I would gladly drive ten hours, or sleep on the floor to give up my bed to short notice unexpected visitors, accommodate weird dietary preferences, accept unwanted gifts for the kids. I would love to, but can not, because all of my and DH's family are overseas. And my grandmothers, who were always part of our family Christmas celebrations, are no longer alive. Christmas makes me lonely and homesick.

 

This is me exactly. :(

[Catwoman]

Catwoman,

 

I usually agree with you, and I appreciate what you are saying here, but I have to say I disagree with you on this one.

 

What I have experienced is hoarder level gift giving. It's not okay, and it's not loving. It's an indication that the person has a problem. It's almost like alcoholism to me, these people spend money like they are alcoholics drinking. And it's more about accumulating stuff than anything. This isn't Grandma accidentally going overboard. When you need to buy 8 sweaters for one kid "because they are on sale", and 100's of other scenarios like that, something is wrong. And when you have several people in your family like that, it's very upsetting and overwhelming for the recipients. It takes away from the holiday, it really does.

 

I guess we all have different definitions of "hoarder level gift giving." I would see nothing wrong with buying 8 sweaters for one child, just because they were nice sweaters. And I do spend a lot of money on gifts. You would almost definitely view me as being one of the "hoarder level people" when it comes to holiday gift-giving. :D

 

In my mind, if people can afford to spend the money and it gives them pleasure to do so, I don't see it as being a problem. If people go deeply into debt just because they can't stop buying things, I think that's definitely a major issue -- whether or not they are buying the gifts out of the goodness of their hearts. But if they have the money and they love to do it, I don't think it equates with something like alcoholism in any way, shape, or form. (But I do understand why it would be hard to deal with if it's not something you're comfortable with. I hope at least a few of the people who buy you all the gifts are courteous enough to include gift receipts with some of the presents, so you can at least return some of the more useless stuff to the stores!)

 

I do realize that it's a nuisance to get a ton of stuff you don't want and that your kids don't want or need. All I can suggest, when you're feeling annoyed and overwhelmed, is that you think of all the people you'll be blessing when you donate the unwanted stuff to a church thrift shop or Goodwill, or bring it over to a battered women's shelter.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm sorry but I really dislike threads that are a sermon to others whose circumstances you don't totally understand.

[Mommy22alyns]

Cat, I agree. I can see being a little irritated, but on my end, my parents hate me and therefore have nothing to do with the girls. It breaks my heart that they were thrown away. FIL died before the girls were born. My sister is also estranged and BIL doesn't send anything for the girls either. So they get gifts from us and a little from MIL. Be glad you have family who cares for you.

[violamama]

I don't think asking somebody to consider trying to put the best spin on something a "sermon". Must be kind of a sore point, and I'm sorry about that for you because that's sad.

 

(And anyway, Preach it!)

 

People are here on the boards ostensibly because they're passionate about teaching their children. If you want them to respond well to the world, which will behave imperfectly, then here's another opportunity. I don't mind being called a Pollyanna, especially when so much horrible stuff will happen in their lives. One of the things I love most about parenting is that it gives me the chance to teach them to fight to see the best in things, to cling to hope and to make bad situations better.

 

What, exactly, is the alternative? And if there is no other choice than to kvetch about how bad it is, why post on a board where people will tell you what they think might help? Is it not a good thing that people are reading your posts and responding? Seems to me the same attitude that cannot find a gift workaround would be mad at posts which respond to apparent emotional needs. For me, I do care about people who post about something making them miserable and I guess I'm compelled to respond. If that's labeled a sermon and makes you madder, I hope you can ignore the annoying content and remember the intention.

[Guest submarines]

I grew up, as an only child, with just one grandparent, my grandma. My children have only 1 living grandparent, but she is mentally ill and we have't been in touch in years. It feels surreal to me that there could be so many grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins! Even if Christmas is the only time when kids get to be in touch with the older generation, it is still better than nothing.

[Trish]

That's why I think allowing relatives to give their (strange, excessive, quirky, unneeded, wrong size, too young/old, whatever) gift, is a gift that YOU are giving to them. Yes guide them if they ask for guidance, or give gentle hints, but allowing them to express themselves in all their Gift-Giving Glory once or twice a year is a charitable thing. (I'm also thinking of Mary Magdalene's "unnecesary and wasteful" gift to Jesus, and His and Judas' response to that.) Of course her motive was pure love, but even if you think the gift-giver's isn't, so what? Great opportunity to not judge and just let it go.

 

Thanks for the thread, Cat, and realizing that the mere PRESENCE our family members outweighs any details on "presents."

[kitten18]

This topic has come up in several threads recently, and I have thought a lot about it. I probably shouldn't start a thread about it, and I know that many people will disagree with me, but here's the thing: To those people whose kids get a lot of gifts from their grandparents, please take a moment and be incredibly thankful that they have grandparents at all, and be even more thankful that they have grandparents who care enough to want to make your kids happy by buying them special gifts. So what if the two sets of grandparents get a little competitive? They love the kids and want to be their favorites -- so what? There are only a few major gift-giving holidays each year. Let them have their fun, because here's the thing -- they might not be here next year. Both of my parents passed away within 10 months of each other, so one Christmas my ds had both of his grandparents whom he absolutely loved and adored, and the next... there were none. And it was horribly sad. And it still is. And I am so thankful that we spent so much time with them while they were alive, and that I would tell them and my brother the top toys on my ds's list so they could be the ones to give them to them, because he still remembers all that stuff, and it means a lot to him. Please, everyone, remember that Christmas is a time for your kids to make great memories with their entire family, and if the gift-givers mean well, be grateful and excited and happy. I'm saying this as the mom of a kid whose grandparents and only uncle are no longer with us, and while I don't want to be depressing at Christmastime, I do hope you'll remember that next Christmas isn't guaranteed for anyone, so please try to enjoy it and to think the best of the people who are giving gifts to you and your kids. You have no idea how much it would mean to me to be exchanging gifts tomorrow with my mom, my dad, my brother, and my MIL. But it's never going to happen again. So please, please keep that in mind before you hurt a family member's feelings because they gave your kids too much stuff. One year, you may be walking through the mall crying because you just saw something you know your mom would have loved to have bought for your kid... except that this year it has to come from you, because your mom isn't around any more. Stuff like that really makes you remember how important it is to appreciate the people whom you love, and who love you.

I completely agree. Thanks for saying it!!!

[Catwoman]

Many people consider it incredibly rude to give away received gifts. You might be okay with others taking your gifts and turning around and "regifting" them but other givers are not like that. Personally, I'd rather save the giver the heartache of knowing that their gifts will just go straight to a third party.

 

Why would anyone tell someone that they were going to donate their gifts to charity? :confused:

 

I can't imagine how there would be any "heartache of knowing," if the recipient accepted the gift graciously, and then later donated it to charity. Don't the majority of things we own eventually make their way to the trash, the church rummage sale, or Goodwill? There are very few things we keep forever.

 

As I see it, the only heartache involved would be if the gift recipients were so horribly rude that they came right out and told the gift-giver that they would be giving their gifts away.

[Joshin]

I don't think most tell they are giving stuff away, but the giver snoops or asks where an item is, or quizes the children six months later (and kids don't always have filters in place and will tell that an item was given away/disposed of).

 

If someone wants to give a hundred gifts to their own child, wonderful. But if they want to give that many to my child or even to me, I get a say in it. It is a burden and an imposition on me and my family to be the recipients of so much. It is not fun and frankly life is too short for me to constantly be sorting, cleaning, organizing and giving away excess stuff I never would have brought into the house on my own.

 

Politeness goes both ways between the recipient and the giver. If someone loves to give, give, give, then the polite thing is to respect the recipients wishes and request ideas that will be appreciated, and adopt a family in need if the recipient doesn't wish to receive so much.

[Guest]

Imagine this scenario: One year, my mom gave one of my children an animal book. I personally hated this particular book because it was "giant" sized and that made it impossible to look at. The only way to look at the book was to lay it on the floor and hover over it. Anyway - my mother almost always gives second-hand gifts, so I am sure this book came from a thrift store. After some months, I sent it off to Goodwill, along with tons of other stuff.

 

The following Christmas, my sister, who also bought a lot of second-hand gifts, gave my kid the same book! :svengo: Imagine my astonishment! The freakishly giant animal book was being given to my kid again! My mother looked at me funny. I think she realized that this was most likely literally the very same book she had given us before. The kid in question also said something like, "Oh...I've seen this book before..." :tongue_smilie:

[cottonmama]

I can't imagine how there would be any "heartache of knowing," if the recipient accepted the gift graciously, and then later donated it to charity. Don't the majority of things we own eventually make their way to the trash, the church rummage sale, or Goodwill? There are very few things we keep forever.

 

They'll notice if they visit often, or at least I assume they will. For that reason, when I donate, I try to keep at least one thing from each gift giver. Even with that, I worry when a couple of my more sensitive family members come, because there will be plenty of things missing, and I hope they won't be offended.

 

Of course, seeing family so often is a HUGE blessing. But it does come with some issues. I think it's the same with having so many enthusiastic gift-givers in the family... it's a blessing, but it's also not easy to deal with. In any case, it's certainly the better problem to have. :grouphug: to those of you who wish you had to deal with excessive gifts from loving family members. Some of you have it really tough. :crying:

 

I've seen this whole topic hashed and re-hashed on multiple forums, and ultimately I think there's no good solution. Donating works for us now, but the older the kids get, the less I can just make gifts disappear after birthdays and holidays. Betraying the family members by giving the gifts away is one thing (and it makes me incredibly uncomfortable), but betraying my kids by getting rid of their things feels like it crosses a line. And yet we have a house to live in, and I do feel like as the parents, we should have some say in how much stuff can live in the house with us. Not in the sense of being controlling, but for instance, we can't keep buying new bookshelves to house all the twaddly books that the kids get. And I'm not going to let the kids pick which books to donate, ykwim?

 

Anyway, I'm going to be dropping hints gently tomorrow, but keeping in mind the things Cat and others have said in this thread. For my part, I appreciate the "sermon" -- this is all good perspective to have going into tomorrow.

[beaners]

Imagine this scenario: One year, my mom gave one of my children an animal book. I personally hated this particular book because it was "giant" sized and that made it impossible to look at. The only way to look at the book was to lay it on the floor and hover over it. Anyway - my mother almost always gives second-hand gifts, so I am sure this book came from a thrift store. After some months, I sent it off to Goodwill, along with tons of other stuff.

 

The following Christmas, my sister, who also bought a lot of second-hand gifts, gave my kid the same book! :svengo: Imagine my astonishment! The freakishly giant animal book was being given to my kid again! My mother looked at me funny. I think she realized that this was most likely literally the very same book she had given us before. The kid in question also said something like, "Oh...I've seen this book before..." :tongue_smilie:

 

 

Oh my goodness. I was in the middle of typing up my own post about how many things we receive with Goodwill stickers on them, and how Goodwill is just a temporary storage place where grandparents buy gifts and families later return them. Now I have proof!

[Catwoman]

 

 

Oh my goodness. I was in the middle of typing up my own post about how many things we receive with Goodwill stickers on them, and how Goodwill is just a temporary storage place where grandparents buy gifts and families later return them. Now I have proof!

 

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[LaughingCat]

I think these are really two different issues - my Mom died 7 years ago and I miss her often and wish I could talk to her and tell her about things that are going on but I don't miss her poor gift giving skills. In fact I'm pretty sure if she came back tomorrow, after the first glad feelings, I'd be irritated by the exact same things that irritated me before - if I wasn't, then I'd know it wasn't really my Mom :smilielol5:

[Jenny in Florida]

Politeness goes both ways between the recipient and the giver. If someone loves to give, give, give, then the polite thing is to respect the recipients wishes and request ideas that will be appreciated, and adopt a family in need if the recipient doesn't wish to receive so much.

 

 

Bingo.

 

I've been increasingly bothered this year by a certain selfishness I see creeping into the idea of gifting. As far as I'm concerened, the point of giving someone a gift is to do something nice for the recipient. It's not supposed to be about the giver. The recipient isn't responsible for making the giver happy by pretending to be happy. It shouldn't matter that the giver's "love language" is gifts, because this exchange shouldn't be about the giver.

 

I was thinking about this the other night. My daughter sang for a Christmas eve church service. She's done so for probably close to a decade, now, but this year she chose a more challenging, classical piece. She's been working on it with her voice teacher and thought she was prepared, but felt very unhappy with it when she rehearsed with the accompanist on Sunday afternoon. When she ran it during warm-ups before the service, it sounded fine. Not inspired or perfect, but pretty. However, when she sang it during the service, she lost her way a bit. She spent the rest of the service sitting next to me in the pew in a foul mood, near tears, very upset. She wanted to leave right after the service, instead of staying for social hour as we always do. And it was clearly taking all of her emotional energy to be gracious about the many compliments she received.

 

Because here's the thing: As imperfect as she thought her performance was, the truth is that many people loved it. Some of the choir members sitting behind her, whose faces I caught in the video I took, are rapt and teary watching and listening to her.

 

After some time of trying to be nice and comforting, I snapped at her, explaining that I thought the point of singing for the service was to make an offering, give a gift to her community, not to show off for herself or to make herself look good.

 

That experience shouldn't have been about her, but about the people who received her gift.

 

So, if I truly want to give a gift to show someone I love and am thinking of him or her, the point should be to give something that is meaningful to the receiver, not to make myself feel good by doing what I want to do. And giving more stuff than the recipient wants, needs or can use is not thoughtful or meaningful. It's selfish. It makes the entire interaction about the giver, not the recipient.

[LibraryLover]

How would the giver know if you donated their gifts? And so what if the giver finds out from a child? "They outgrew it. It broke. A friend really needed it. "' etc.

 

There are plenty of charities/people/friends who do not know the givers, especially if the givers don't live in the same state, or hang around with the folks at your HS Park Day. A kid who gets 10 coats gets to help 9 other people be warm.

 

I don't like the complaining about gifts. Even if you're dealing with a hoarder-- which may be sad- but refusing their gifts won't help them.

 

My MIL used to give me $100 per child with explicit instructions to buy them toys (or whatever), with instructions the gift(s) be something they really wanted/would love, to be opened at her home. Those were some of my kids' fondest memories, although not the only ones. Sure, we would have to clear out old gifts (the kids and I did that together), but so what? It was good stuff, and other kids got to enjoy them as well.

 

I do not like to think of myself as a huge consumer, and I try to be thoughtful in my buying. Local, natural, Etsy, whatever. But kids can get nice gifts (or even stupid ones) and grow up to be thoughtful, loving folks. IMO, too many people make too much of this.

 

My dh gave me a really Not Me nightgown (and not something he 'wanted' either). . I am not keeping it. I told him I loved the thought, but it wasn't quite me, so we would go together to pick out something different. He said, "No problem. I have the receipt." I just don't think it's a big deal, and I am certainly not going out today to do it. One of our relatives gave one of my kids a used Tourister piece of luggage. It looks like something an old guy would have owned in the 70's. My kid kissed the giver and thanked him. Dc chuckled to me quietly, "Well, that's going in the Goodwill bag." No biggie.

[Carol in Cal.]

There's a lot of different issues here, but one that I have not seen mentioned is that the OP has every right to that opinion, and expressing it might be helpful to some. She did not direct it to anyone in particular, which was gracious of her, and she worded it very carefully so as not to cast a blanket judgement. Well done!

[LibraryLover]

There's a lot of different issues here, but one that I have not seen mentioned is that the OP has every right to that opinion, and expressing it might be helpful to some. She did not direct it to anyone in particular, which was gracious of her, and she worded it very carefully so as not to cast a blanket judgement. Well done!

 

 

 

Yep. Read, respond, or read, don't respond. Nobody has to be hurt. It's not really personal, although some topics do feel personal.

[LibraryLover]

I've been increasingly bothered this year by a certain selfishness I see creeping into the idea of gifting. As far as I'm concerened, the point of giving someone a gift is to do something nice for the recipient. It's not supposed to be about the giver. The recipient isn't responsible for making the giver happy by pretending to be happy. It shouldn't matter that the giver's "love language" is gifts, because this exchange shouldn't be about the giver.

at I want to do. And giving more stuff than the recipient wants, needs or can use is not thoughtful or meaningful. It's selfish. It makes the entire interaction about the giver, not the recipient.

 

My 'love language' is not gift-giving, but I think you're wrong that it's never about the giver. When we give, most of us do get a degree of pleasure in the happiness of others. I gave a 5 year old a very inexpensive gift, but one I hoped she'd enjoy. She opened it and held it to her chest. "I love this! Thank you!" She hugged me tight; I got warm & tingly, and I felt a rush of memories--her scent was of freshly -washed baby hair. ;)

 

Another little guy opened an equally inexpensive gift (I have many nieces and nephews, ranging in age 1- 18-- and beyond, but we only give to this age range). He opens his little gift. "I always wanted this!" lol Really? I had no idea. It was a set of dominoes. He spent the rest of the evening setting them up in various patterns and knocking them down. lol Sure, I love it. They were happy, and I get to be a nice aunt. Sue me.

 

I have 3 nephews with Autism, and they didn't even notice their gifts. They don't need to know the items were from me, but I do hope they enjoy them on their own terms, in their own time.

 

If I don't like your gift, I am not going to tell you (unless you ask, and you are my mother or my husband, or really want to shopping with me to exchange for the correct size or different color.). No way do I want my kids acting pissy at something, and no way to I want a child to be sad at something I've given them. (Which is why all teen nieces and nephews get GC for movies or music or food.)

 

Gift -giving is personal. And teaching a child to be gracious is part of living in harmony with as many people as possible.

[LibraryLover]

Imagine this scenario: One year, my mom gave one of my children an animal book. I personally hated this particular book because it was "giant" sized and that made it impossible to look at. The only way to look at the book was to lay it on the floor and hover over it. Anyway - my mother almost always gives second-hand gifts, so I am sure this book came from a thrift store. After some months, I sent it off to Goodwill, along with tons of other stuff.

 

The following Christmas, my sister, who also bought a lot of second-hand gifts, gave my kid the same book! :svengo: Imagine my astonishment! The freakishly giant animal book was being given to my kid again! My mother looked at me funny. I think she realized that this was most likely literally the very same book she had given us before. The kid in question also said something like, "Oh...I've seen this book before..." :tongue_smilie:

 

 

 

That would bring a giggle in our family (my sisters, mother, and I enjoy a good thrift) , and then become quirky family lore. :)

[Mom-ninja.]

Every family has its own set of circumstances. No one should ever base their family experience and family relationships and extend that to assume other families are similar.

 

That's all I'm going to say.

[Alessandra]

Cat

:iagree:

[justamouse]

:grouphug:

 

And, a big fat juicy kiss because I agree with that so much.

[kateincali]

I lost my grandma when i was young. It is not any of the gifts or the present or anything that i remember. it is walking in her backyard picking strawberries, and making potato man and crawly bugs with her. It was the time that meant the most for me. I know some people who show love with gifts, and it is important for them to give them and get them. But everything in moderation. What the moderation is, is between you and your grandparents.

[cin]

I struggle with reading about this problem as well. I will admit to feeling just a bit sad on my kids' birthdays and Christmas when there is nobody to send them a measly card or give them a gift (except my sister). Dh's parents are gone, my father is gone, and my mother has Alzheimers. (She does give them quarters she won at Bingo, which is quite special and precious, as that's all she has to give anymore.) My youngers often mention how weird it is to talk to their friends, who all have family get-togethers with lots of gifts and parties over the holidays. They can't even conceive of this.

 

 

 

My kids lost grandma and great grandma this past year. (Their only grandparents). I actually sent an email out to several friends asking them to send the kids cards on their birthdays. No gifts, no money, just a card.

[Jenny in Florida]

My 'love language' is not gift-giving, but I think you're wrong that it's never about the giver. When we give, most of us do get a degree of pleasure in the happiness of others. I gave a 5 year old a very inexpensive gift, but one I hoped she'd enjoy. She opened it and held it to her chest. "I love this! Thank you!" She hugged me tight; I got warm & tingly, and I felt a rush of memories--her scent was of freshly -washed baby hair.

 

Please understand I'm not suggesting you're not allowed to enjoy the reaction of the recipient. What I'm saying is that the recipient's enjoyment should be the motivating factor in gifting, not the giver's pleasure in buying/wrapping/presenting. Of course, it's perfectly natural to take pleasure in making someone else happy. All I was saying is that I, personally, believe that the other person's happiness should be the point.

 

I'll admit that my feelings about this are colored by my own experiences. I drag around a lot of baggage with regard to gifts that I acquired during my childhood. I got so exhausted and stressed out from the responsibility I felt to reward my parents for the far-too-many presents I got on assorted holidays by acting like I loved everything that I eventually got turned off of receiving gifts at all. It's caused a lot of tension in my marriage, since my husband is one of those "I just love to give presents" people and I'd rather just write a check to charity.

 

The point I was trying to make is that, if the giver's pleasure takes priority, then the giving becomes an essentially selfish act. I did not mean to imply that the giver shouldn't be "allowed" to enjoy the recipient's reaction, but that my belief is that the recipient's needs and emotions should be the focus.