When you say, "A good marriage takes hard work,"

[Caitilin]

Yeah, that isn't the marriage itself that's difficult though. That's just life being difficult. When life is sucking for us, I feel like the one thing in my life that doesn't suck is my husband. It's better than going through it alone.

 

:iagree:, its just that sometimes some of us lose sight of it. But fundamentally, I completely agree.

[Scarlett]

Well. This is my second marriage, so I actually do think I understand. My first husband did not want to "work" at it, so it failed.

 

 

Susan

 

Well, my first marriage was constant hard work with no pay day at all. Like digging ditches and then at the end of the week someone telling you your reward was that you got to keep the job and start digging some more.

 

This marriage? It is a cake walk. I can't call it work....but as someone else mentioned maybe we are getting hung up on semantics....we are intentional about our relationship. We don't ignore it.

[twinmami01]

:iagree:

 

I think a marriage that requires no work and no compromise is some kind of fantasy. I've never seen one like that in real life. For that matter do you know of any long term friendships that don't at least occasionally require work/effort and compromise?

 

I say long term because people change over time. At 40 or 50 we aren't the same people we were at 20 or 30. Interests in hobbies, strength of religious belief, decisions about values and lifestyle choices can change, if those things change in different directions for each partner it becomes hard to maintain a friendship. When you put that kind of change under the financial, social, sexual pressures of a marriage I think you can see why is it said that a good marriage requires work.

 

I love my husband and value our family and believe in marriage...so, even

though we have alot of different interests and sometimes different values, we both make compromises to make it work.

 

My husband says that the key to a good marriage is that both partners puts the other one first. I agree. :)

 

:iagree:

 

We have been married for 14 years, and we are in a really good place. Right now, it seems easy, but the reality is that it took years of hard work to get there. Lots of hard seasons, but some really good and easy ones too.

Edited November 9, 2012 by twinmami01

[LarlaB]

I wouldn't say it. I'd say a bad marriage takes hard work, and a good marriage is pretty easy.

 

Bill

 

I disagree

 

I think a good marriage makes 'the work' feel easy. :) You WANT to give, compromise, prioritize quality time, thoroughly listen to your spouse etc. IMHO, a marriage can only succeed if both parties are willing to work for the betterment of the other & the family group as a whole as compared to sitting back and seeing what you can 'get' out of it.

 

No living, dynamic relationship simply exists without something feeding/maintaining/caring for it. For example: a house-plant. Little things like watering, pruning, sunlight and occasional fertilizer can seem so insignificant. But you start skipping steps, or going to long without care, and it will die, be overgrown, dry out etc...and that is more challenging to reverse. But if you keep up w/ it, it seems 'easy'.

[Mrs Mungo]

I disagree

 

 

I think a good marriage makes 'the work' feel easy. :) You WANT to give, compromise, prioritize quality time, thoroughly listen to your spouse etc. IMHO, a marriage can only succeed if both parties are willing to work for the betterment of the other & the family group as a whole as compared to sitting back and seeing what you can 'get' out of it.

 

 

No living, dynamic relationship simply exists without something feeding/maintaining/caring for it. For example: a house-plant. Little things like watering, pruning, sunlight and occasional fertilizer can seem so insignificant. But you start skipping steps, or going to long without care, and it will die, be overgrown, dry out etc...and that is more challenging to reverse. But if you keep up w/ it, it seems 'easy'.

 

 

I tend to agree with this. My dh and I have been together for 21 years. It has felt easy for most of that, but some of it has been hard. The hard parts have often been due to our lifestyle and his job (which, is usually our job). I think it is a bunch of garbage to conclude that we have a bad marriage because we have been through some hard times which have required effort on our part. But, many people refuse to believe that there is a reality beyond their own.

[mytwomonkeys]

i think of "work" as being different than a "job". when i am working on something, it just means i'm setting aside time for it and investing in it. for example, sewing is work for me, but i love it. i love the process of it and the result. really, most things that matter to me, whether it be relationships or hobbies requires me working at it. i don't think it implies anything negative though. my marriage isn't at job, but i work at keeping it happy.

[TranquilMind]

I wouldn't say it. I'd say a bad marriage takes hard work, and a good marriage is pretty easy.

 

Bill

 

Wow, I almost never agree with Bill (well, his political statements!), but this is dead-on accurate.

 

If you have strife while dating, you will have strife while married. I think that is one of the very best indicators.

 

A good marriage is easy.

[Spy Car]

I disagree

 

I think a good marriage makes 'the work' feel easy. :) You WANT to give, compromise, prioritize quality time, thoroughly listen to your spouse etc. IMHO, a marriage can only succeed if both parties are willing to work for the betterment of the other & the family group as a whole as compared to sitting back and seeing what you can 'get' out of it.

 

No living, dynamic relationship simply exists without something feeding/maintaining/caring for it. For example: a house-plant. Little things like watering, pruning, sunlight and occasional fertilizer can seem so insignificant. But you start skipping steps, or going to long without care, and it will die, be overgrown, dry out etc...and that is more challenging to reverse. But if you keep up w/ it, it seems 'easy'.

 

You are defeating a straw-man.

 

Of course it is necessary to maintain a relationship, but with kindness and mutual respect that is not so hard.

 

Bill

[TranquilMind]

:iagree:

 

I posted about this before. My marriage has been easy so far compared to others I know. I see friends who work hard at marriage and they are not that happy.

 

I don't know. My dh and I just get along and mesh so well. We agree on just about everything. We have changed since getting married, and somehow we managed to change together in the same direction. He understands me. I understand him. We don't take advantage of each other. I make my feelings known instead of demanding that he read my mind. None of that is hard for us.

 

True for us too. And it is SO important that you find someone up front who is very like you in the important ways, especially the values held.

[TranquilMind]

KungFuPanda: Or like someone else said . . . Let a couple opinionated firstborns marry.

 

 

Yes, this should not happen. I'm married to a mellow middle, and while I am technically a middle, I function as an oldest in every important respect, as older sibs were almost out of the house when I came along. We were sort of like two families.

 

Now my younger sister is deceased, so it's like I'm an only,but I have one living older brother, so I'm a younger....

 

Ok, I'm confusing myself now.:tongue_smilie:

 

I know people who literally never fight, but they are naturally calm and relaxed people who don't get worked up about anything.

Yes, I'm in awe of those people. I wish I could be one.

 

Not all strong marriages are made up of "Yes Dear" types. I wouldn't place more value on an effortless arrangement. Easier doesn't automatically mean better.

 

 

Maybe, but easier means less stress, and I have already had enough of that in my life. I'm glad my husband isn't a source of stress (and hope I'm not one either!).

[annandatje]

When I hear people say things like "marriage is hard work" or "marriage is a full time job," I wonder exactly what hard work they are having to do to maintain a marriage. Perhaps they mean that it can be mentally taxing, but a strong marriage should not be consistently burdensome on one's emotions or mentality.

 

My husband has always worked unbelievably long hours as I did in early marriage and late marriage. If marriage were such hard work, we would had to have chosen between our career and marriage.

[MAIMOM]

I wouldn't say it. I'd say a bad marriage takes hard work, and a good marriage is pretty easy.

 

Bill

 

Up until a few years ago I would have said this :iagree:. However we hit a rough spot or what I will call a crazy storm...like a hurricane. In the midst of it we were batting down the hatches, feelings were raw, tempers short and we had to work at communicating, something that had always come easily for us. Life had thrown us some terrible situations and we had both grown/changed because of them....one of which included two 15 month times of invountary separation in 4 years. We had to work...we had to work to communicate when we wanted to climb in a hole and hide. We had to stick to it when the days dragged on and it seemed we would never cross the divide between us. We talked, clarified and talked some more for days in end it seemed. We anchored ourselves to each other and our faith and hung on believing the storm would pass...the hurricane would blow it's self out and we would be stronger because of it. Many times we would say "next year we will be stronger because of this time".

 

Building a strong marriage is like building anything else: it takes time....life gets in the way of time spent together.

 

I have a lovely plant I potted in some expensive soil, sat in the right amount of sun, watered it just right and it has grown big, strong and beautiful. >>>>I forgot to water it and last night it frosted here.....my neglect is showing in the pitiful looking plant.:001_huh:

 

My marriage will do the same. If I neglect doing the things that has grown my marriage it will show. What things? Spending time, touching, laughing, having fun together.....those are essential to a growing healthy marriage IMO.

 

Those things do not just happen on their own. In the hustle and bustle of life it is easy to neglect time together. Stressful times can steal the laughter which sure does not encourage fun or touching. That is what I would say about marriage requiring work. I must be intentional in growing my relationship in order for it to stay healthy. I must be intentional in making time to spend with my husband. I must intentionally work to keep communication open. I must intentionally tackle any miscommunication and work through the hurt feelings, betrayal and disappointment. (if your married long enough they will come). This is work. :tongue_smilie:Hard work at times.

 

However, Marriage is also joy!!! Joy!!! Joy!!! After 20 years I cannot imagine life without my husband. He is my best friend, confidant and lover. I trust and love him more today than I did when we first said our marriage vows. The times of struggle make the days of sunshine that much sweeter!:D

 

Marriage is work but it is work worth doing!:001_smile:

[momto2Cs]

:iagree: mostly.

There are times where one of you is having a bad go....and sticking through it is challenging. I have a good marriage. Sometimes though, it is work in that I have to let dh work out what needs to be worked out without taking it personally, or trying to fix it. We are very different people.....I am sure I give him a run for his money too:D

 

:iagree:

 

And...

I wonder if there's a miscommunication somewhere.

 

I mean, to me, my marriage takes effort, in terms of time and attention. It doesn't exist in a vaccuum. It's not digging a ditch w/a spoon kinda work, it's not heavy, or oppressive, but it doesn't just exist w/out tending either.

 

:iagree::iagree:

Edited November 9, 2012 by momto2Cs

[MAIMOM]

it means we put effort into our marriage. i disagree that it's easy. it's simple (i don't think there is a secret recipe or anything), but i think it doesn't come without trying. my husband and i are still deeply in love and happy because we put effort into keep our marriage a priority. we fight fair. we let things go. we compromise. we don't speak badly about each other to friends or family. we don't put ourselves in situations that could create temptation. we respect each other. laugh still. support one another's hobbies and such.

 

:iagree: OOO this too!!!

[MAIMOM]

for us, its a matter of intentionality.

 

we intentionally choose to believe that the other has our best interests at heart.

 

we intentionally choose to kiss one another hello and goodbye, every time.

 

we intentionally choose to spend time listening to one another. (and talking, too).

 

we intentionally share our innermost thoughts and feelings.

 

we intentionally value the other's opinions and interests, hopes and dreams, trials and tribulations.

 

after this many years, most of that is habit, and just "happens". but when the outside world intrudes, and we get anxious, we need to go back to being intentional. oh, and when we talk about money. ;)

 

we have unicorns and rainbows, most of the time. the habits/intentionality have provided the glue when we needed it most.

 

is that work? is it hard work? for some, yes. for others, no. for me, not so much, most of the time. but the past few weeks when work stress + election stress + money stress + health stress collided, i've been doing my duck imitation.... being calm on the surface and paddling like a crazy woman underneath.

 

fwiw,

ann

 

:iagree: This is awesome!!! I agree with being intentional. I especially love the kissing part :D

(guess I need to figure out how to quote multiple in one message)sry

[Danestress]

and it's probably not directly related, in either direction, to whether the marriage is perceived as "good" by the people in it.

 

I have three kids. One made me think parenting is hard work. Two have been pretty much a delightful walk in the park. I don't love the easy ones more than the harder one, and I don't think one relationship is better than the others. One has just required more of me than the others - and probably has done more "refining" in me than the others. One just bumped up on my rough places more.

 

I don't think marriages that take a lot of work are better or worse than marriages that feel natural and easy.

 

And (by way of unjinxing myself) I also know that things can seem great easy in life, love, work, etc, and then the shoe can drop. So 19 years have seemed pretty easy. But it ain't over till that fat lady sings.

[KungFuPanda]

[Audrey]

I wouldn't say it. I'd say a bad marriage takes hard work, and a good marriage is pretty easy.

 

Bill

 

 

:iagree: I think I have a very good marriage. It isn't perfect, of course, but that would be boring anyway.

 

I don't think I've ever felt like the marriage itself was "work," let alone hard work.

[Audrey]

When I hear people say things like "marriage is hard work" or "marriage is a full time job," I wonder exactly what hard work they are having to do to maintain a marriage. Perhaps they mean that it can be mentally taxing, but a strong marriage should not be consistently burdensome on one's emotions or mentality.

 

My husband has always worked unbelievably long hours as I did in early marriage and late marriage. If marriage were such hard work, we would had to have chosen between our career and marriage.

 

 

:iagree:with this, too. Maybe we have to define what is meant by "work?" I don't consider making reasonable compromises and adjusting for the burdens/needs/logistics of another person to be work. I don't consider it work to negotiate around another person's quirks or inabilities either. A person just is who they are, and I can either accept those things about them or not. I chose my husband and all of his quirks/needs/logistics/etc. Even if those things about him may cause me occasional annoyance, or cause me to have to compromise sometimes, it's still not work IMO.

 

We communicate well. We acknowledge that one of us is better at something than the other, or that one of us simply can't do something. We are a team and we make it work. Sometimes one of us is shouldering the bulk of the responsibilities. Sometimes it's the other, but no where in my definition of work would that be considered work. That's just living with another person.

 

Emotionally and mentally, we care for and about each other very, very well. Even through some very rough stuff, I have never felt that the marriage was work. Life is work. Life is often one heck of a craptacular load of work, but my marriage never has been.

[LucyStoner]

Not all work is hard. There are many things that require thought and effort which are not hard. Some are downright fun, especially in a marriage. :lol:

 

I would not say that my marriage is hard or difficult but without investment in each other, it wouldn't be much of a marriage. Some people call that investment and energy "work". Some don't. Your marriage is YOUR marriage. Deciding that others have a bad marriage because it is not like yours, or the spouses don't use the same vernacular as you do to describe their relationship is just silly.

 

FWIW, my husband and I are well matched and extremely happy. We rarely fight and when we do disagree it is over quickly, usually with each of us rushing to apologize within a minute. We "fight" fair and talk though issues respectfully. We are passionate and spend a lot of time talking and being together. When we stay up in bed talking it still feels like we are 19. Blah blah blah sunshine and roses. If we say marriage is work we are not saying it is bad.

[J-rap]

I wouldn't say it. I'd say a bad marriage takes hard work, and a good marriage is pretty easy.

 

Bill

 

 

Or maybe it just doesn't FEEL like hard work when it's a good marriage because you are happy to be doing it for/with the one you love so much.

[Wheres Toto]

I wouldn't say it. I'd say a bad marriage takes hard work, and a good marriage is pretty easy.

 

Bill

:iagree:

 

That is so well said. Totally reflects my feelings on my marriage with dh. We have difficulties sometimes, but they are related to the blended family aspect...our relationship is my strength.

 

I am not always sure people with good or even fair marriages can appreciate how bad a bad marriage can be. I was in a bad marriage for many years and I now realize that I didn't really relax ever. I was always on edge, on guard and often felt unloved and unappreciated. Mixed with just enough attention and praise to keep me off balance. It is a freaky way to live. So I cherish my dh now so much.

 

Even on his worst day he is never unkind to me. That was one of our main vows to each other....to be kind all the time forever. I don't think that takes work so much as awareness of your obligation as one human to another.

 

:iagree: with this too. I experienced a bad, very hard marriage. Then I experienced single parenthood. Now I'm seeing what a good marriage is like.

 

We've had some struggles, especially in the beginning when we were both getting used to being a family, especially a blended one. But we worked out most of those issues in the first six months. We didn't let them stew to cause problems for years.

 

I'm sure it seems easy because DH and I are both very laid-back people. Even when I get testy (I'm somewhat hormonal lately) he's great at knowing how to not feed it.

 

We spent over a week between my in-laws and my parents after Sandy. Very tense situation for everyone with the disruption, the grandparents who can't handle the noise of the kids for very long, etc. Dh was the one I knew I could turn to to vent, to complain, to get a hug.

 

We were talking the other day about not keeping score (who cleans more, who took care of the kids last, etc) and dh said "by not keeping score, I figure it's a win-win for both of us". That certainly seems to work in our case. Things may not always be "fair", but we both know it will work out in the long run so we don't stress.

[DianeW88]

I wouldn't say it. I'd say a bad marriage takes hard work, and a good marriage is pretty easy.

 

Bill

 

:iagree: Yep. I've been married for 25 years, and honestly, it's never been hard. We are very well matched and share the same opinions on almost everything. Also, my dh is incredibly sweet and kind (I try to follow his example). We really don't raise our voices or argue, and he's honestly never said a mean thing to me in 25 years. That was something that was SO important to me going into marriage. I did not want a man who thought it was acceptable to criticize his wife or speak harshly (and vice versa). Cruel words, sarcasm and ridicule will destroy a relationship faster than anything. I am so grateful for a dh who is loving and supportive of me and is just a darned nice guy. Besides being ridiculously handsome. :D

[Abigail4476]

I wouldn't say it. I'd say a bad marriage takes hard work, and a good marriage is pretty easy.

 

Bill

 

:iagree: 100%.

[dbmamaz]

Ok, is it just me, or is all this "A good marriage is not hard work" sort of insult the marriage of every person who feels like it is hard work? How can you tell someone else that if they feel like they have to 'work' on their marriage, its not a good marriage?

[Catwoman]

I wouldn't say it. I'd say a bad marriage takes hard work, and a good marriage is pretty easy.

 

Bill

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

Yes. This. Exactly.

[Catwoman]

Ok, is it just me, or is all this "A good marriage is not hard work" sort of insult the marriage of every person who feels like it is hard work? How can you tell someone else that if they feel like they have to 'work' on their marriage, its not a good marriage?

 

I don't view it as being an insult -- actually, I give you a lot of credit if you're willing to work to keep your marriage strong. But it is certainly a lot easier if the good marriage seems to come naturally.

 

I guess I would also have to ask you to define, "hard work."

[AdventureMoms]

Umm.. hubby and I are both first borns. We are both easy going and don't fight. I'm not sure either one of us has ever raised our voice to each other.

 

DW and I are both first-borns. We're also both stubborn and very strong willed. We never ever fight. Definitely never raised voices at each other. We've disagreed, even debated, but we don't often get mad. It helps that neither of us takes stuff personally. My mom is also a first-born and I've never heard her raise her voice to dad (and they have an excellent, very healthy 30+ year marriage. I doubt my mom would claim that her marriage is hard work, though it would be interesting to ask).

[TranquilMind]

Ok, is it just me, or is all this "A good marriage is not hard work" sort of insult the marriage of every person who feels like it is hard work? How can you tell someone else that if they feel like they have to 'work' on their marriage, its not a good marriage?

 

No, I don't think it is meant that way. You have what you have and we all have different things, some good, some bad, and some neutral.

 

Some here think parenting teens is easy. For me it isn't; it has been difficult. VERY hard work.

 

I am glad not to have a marriage that is hard work AND a teen that is hard work. That would be really stressful.

[thewaka]

.

Edited November 10, 2012 by thewaka
read more of the thread

[Mrs Mungo]

I wouldn't say it. I'd say a bad marriage takes hard work, and a good marriage is pretty easy.

 

Bill

 

I disagree

 

I think a good marriage makes 'the work' feel easy. :) You WANT to give, compromise, prioritize quality time, thoroughly listen to your spouse etc. IMHO, a marriage can only succeed if both parties are willing to work for the betterment of the other & the family group as a whole as compared to sitting back and seeing what you can 'get' out of it.

 

No living, dynamic relationship simply exists without something feeding/maintaining/caring for it. For example: a house-plant. Little things like watering, pruning, sunlight and occasional fertilizer can seem so insignificant. But you start skipping steps, or going to long without care, and it will die, be overgrown, dry out etc...and that is more challenging to reverse. But if you keep up w/ it, it seems 'easy'.

 

I agree that this sort of maintenance is work.

 

You are defeating a straw-man.

 

Of course it is necessary to maintain a relationship, but with kindness and mutual respect that is not so hard.

 

It can be a lot of work to maintain your relationship in certain circumstances. For example, when we are separated for months on end? It takes work to communicate, to stay connected with each other, to make each other feel needed and cherished, because it is hard when you are separated. That doesn't mean we have a bad marriage. We want to make each other feel connected, loved and cherished, but that doesn't mean that it is always effortless.

Edited November 10, 2012 by Mrs Mungo

[Impish]

Reading the thread, is seems that 'work' has some sort of negative meaning to it. Like it's a huge deal, weight to bear, something.

 

To me, 'work' simply means effort. Time. Attention. A concious application of energy.

 

It's not difficult at all. But, there are times that it absolutely requires concious and deliberate action. When things are blowing up around us, the stress can take a toll on our marriage, if we don't adjust our focus.

 

And, for myself, I've worked darn hard on becoming the wife *I* want to be. And I'm *still* working on it, just as I work on being the mother I want to be.

 

Interesting thought...I don't know of anyone that would deny parenting can be hard work...so why is the thought of marriage being 'work' a bad thing?

 

IMO, relationships are 'work', in one way or another, but that doesn't mean, to me, that work is a bad thing. It means they're deserving of effort.

[Mrs Mungo]

Reading the thread, is seems that 'work' has some sort of negative meaning to it. Like it's a huge deal, weight to bear, something.

 

To me, 'work' simply means effort. Time. Attention. A concious application of energy.

 

It's not difficult at all. But, there are times that it absolutely requires concious and deliberate action. When things are blowing up around us, the stress can take a toll on our marriage, if we don't adjust our focus.

 

And, for myself, I've worked darn hard on becoming the wife *I* want to be. And I'm *still* working on it, just as I work on being the mother I want to be.

 

Interesting thought...I don't know of anyone that would deny parenting can be hard work...so why is the thought of marriage being 'work' a bad thing?

 

IMO, relationships are 'work', in one way or another, but that doesn't mean, to me, that work is a bad thing. It means they're deserving of effort.

 

Agreed.

[LarlaB]

You are defeating a straw-man.

 

Of course it is necessary to maintain a relationship, but with kindness and mutual respect that is not so hard.

 

Bill

 

"Not so hard" is a somewhat subjective, no? :D

 

Statements such as 'marriage is easy' or 'marriage does not need hard work' imply that we simply set it up one day and it exists happily ever after....no assembly required. That is what I was responding too- I could never explain marriage to a non-married person as 'easy' or 'no hard work required'.

 

I agree that this sort of maintenance is work.

 

It can be a lot of work to maintain your relationship in certain circumstances. For example, when we are separated for months on end? It takes work to communicate, to stay connected with each other, to make each other feel needed and cherished, because it is hard when you are separated. That doesn't mean we have a bad marriage. We want to make each other feel connected, loved and cherished, but that doesn't mean that it is always effortless.

 

:iagree:

 

Completely agree! For some, the maintenance in marriage is actually very hard work given their life circumstances: juggling 2 stressful careers, disability or illness, separation (job/military), special needs children, trauma etc)....you have to be realllllly intentional to stay connected & thriving.

 

 

Another thought- we all have different expectations of what we want from marriage. Some want a team player/partner, some want to peacefully coexist, some want a co-dependent bond, some want a best friend, some want a traditional model, some want security, some want passion and nothing less.....it goes on and on. Given what you want out of it, some of those relationships, by definition, take a LOT more work to maintain than others. :)

[Rose in BC]

Reading the thread, is seems that 'work' has some sort of negative meaning to it. Like it's a huge deal, weight to bear, something.

 

To me, 'work' simply means effort. Time. Attention. A concious application of energy.

 

It's not difficult at all. But, there are times that it absolutely requires concious and deliberate action. When things are blowing up around us, the stress can take a toll on our marriage, if we don't adjust our focus.

 

And, for myself, I've worked darn hard on becoming the wife *I* want to be. And I'm *still* working on it, just as I work on being the mother I want to be.

 

Interesting thought...I don't know of anyone that would deny parenting can be hard work...so why is the thought of marriage being 'work' a bad thing?

 

IMO, relationships are 'work', in one way or another, but that doesn't mean, to me, that work is a bad thing. It means they're deserving of effort.

 

:iagree:

[mytwomonkeys]

Reading the thread, is seems that 'work' has some sort of negative meaning to it. Like it's a huge deal, weight to bear, something.

 

To me, 'work' simply means effort. Time. Attention. A concious application of energy.

 

It's not difficult at all. But, there are times that it absolutely requires concious and deliberate action. When things are blowing up around us, the stress can take a toll on our marriage, if we don't adjust our focus.

 

And, for myself, I've worked darn hard on becoming the wife *I* want to be. And I'm *still* working on it, just as I work on being the mother I want to be.

 

Interesting thought...I don't know of anyone that would deny parenting can be hard work...so why is the thought of marriage being 'work' a bad thing?

 

IMO, relationships are 'work', in one way or another, but that doesn't mean, to me, that work is a bad thing. It means they're deserving of effort.

 

I agree totally. My marriage is amazing. We make it amazing though. We created an awesome marriage together, it wasn't just by chance. The definition of work is: Physical or mental effort or activity directed toward the production or accomplishment of something. That's not a negative thing:) I work at a lot of things in life, including relationships and my marriage.

[HappyCrazyMama]

I agree totally. My marriage is amazing. We make it amazing though. We created an awesome marriage together, it wasn't just by chance. The definition of work is: Physical or mental effort or activity directed toward the production or accomplishment of something. That's not a negative thing:) I work at a lot of things in life, including relationships and my marriage.

I can see where I have had the idea of hard work in the negative sense but I still wonder does this work come more naturally for some? So naturally they don't even notice it? We have an awesome marriage but I wouldn't say we created it or made it that way. We have always had a great marriage and it seems like it just *is*.:confused:

[Spy Car]

It can be a lot of work to maintain your relationship in certain circumstances. For example, when we are separated for months on end? It takes work to communicate, to stay connected with each other, to make each other feel needed and cherished, because it is hard when you are separated. That doesn't mean we have a bad marriage. We want to make each other feel connected, loved and cherished, but that doesn't mean that it is always effortless.

 

We long a prolonged period where work took me away from home a great deal. I think that was difficult for both of us. We both had a lot of "work" to do, she had more on the "home-front" and I was working unbelievable hours. But the marriage was not "hard work." Life circumstance required hard work, but the relationship we had was a comfort to us both that made the work worthwhile.

 

Bill

[Mrs Mungo]

I can see where I have had the idea of hard work in the negative sense but I still wonder does this work come more naturally for some? So naturally they don't even notice it? We have an awesome marriage but I wouldn't say we created it or made it that way. We have always had a great marriage and it seems like it just *is*.:confused:

 

Some people love to run, some people hate to run, but it takes sustained effort no matter how you feel about it. That is the perspective that I am coming from.

[Mrs Mungo]

We long a prolonged period where work took me away from home a great deal. I think that was difficult for both of us. We both had a lot of "work" to do, she had more on the "home-front" and I was working unbelievable hours. But the marriage was not "hard work." Life circumstance required hard work, but the relationship we had was a comfort to us both that made the work worthwhile.

 

Bill

 

You made an effort to keep in touch, make her feel cherished, make her feel appreciated, she made you feel working afar was worth it, those things took effort, yes? That is part of what made it a comfort, yes? The fact that the work is worthwhile does not make it not work. I have seen too many people ignore their marriages, not put any effort in and wonder why my marriage is better than theirs. It takes work and effort, no matter how worthwhile and even pleasing that work may be.

[mytwomonkeys]

I can see where I have had the idea of hard work in the negative sense but I still wonder does this work come more naturally for some? So naturally they don't even notice it? We have an awesome marriage but I wouldn't say we created it or made it that way. We have always had a great marriage and it seems like it just *is*.:confused:

 

we have always had a strong marriage too. but for us it feels deliberate. we have busy schedules and actually create time to to be together, not only by ourselves, but as a family. there is always someone or something that will try to fill that spot, but we guard it fully. i read books that focus on our love languages, personalities, prayer for husbands and children, etc. to me that is growth that benefits more than me. we have attended marriage retreats and seminars, which again i see as effort to keep our marriage strong. so i guess it is more semantics really in how someone defines the word "work".:) for me, we are blessed with a strong marriage, but we are proactive in keeping it that way.

[LarlaB]

I agree totally. My marriage is amazing. We make it amazing though. We created an awesome marriage together, it wasn't just by chance. The definition of work is: Physical or mental effort or activity directed toward the production or accomplishment of something. That's not a negative thing:) I work at a lot of things in life, including relationships and my marriage.

 

:iagree:

[LarlaB]

Some people love to run, some people hate to run, but it takes sustained effort no matter how you feel about it. That is the perspective that I am coming from.

 

:iagree:

 

Yep- that is what I'm angling towards too :)

[Word Nerd]

I agree that having a good marriage takes effort, and it isn't always easy. But I don't see it as hard work.

[Mrs Mungo]

I agree that having a good marriage takes effort, and it isn't always easy. But I don't see it as hard work.

 

I am not seeing the difference between saying that it takes sustained effort and is not easy versus saying that it is hard work. Seems pretty semantic, especially when some people are jumping to the conclusion that only bad marriages take work. Pretty big leap for a semantic point, IMO.

[MAIMOM]

Oh Thank you Panda....I can do it now

 

Umm.. hubby and I are both first borns. We are both easy going and don't fight. I'm not sure either one of us has ever raised our voice to each other.

 

We are both first born children. My daddy said "well baby, there are going to be fireworks for sure. I might have to set my lawn chair out and watch the show. You are both strongwilled. It will never be boring baby that is for sure" !

I must say we have had some pretty amazing fireworks LOL and it has never been boring. It gets better the longer we are married.

[Word Nerd]

I am not seeing the difference between saying that it takes sustained effort and is not easy versus saying that it is hard work. Seems pretty semantic, especially when some people are jumping to the conclusion that only bad marriages take work. Pretty big leap for a semantic point, IMO.

 

I agree the difference is mostly semantics. I haven't read the whole thread.

[Audrey]

You made an effort to keep in touch, make her feel cherished, make her feel appreciated, she made you feel working afar was worth it, those things took effort, yes? That is part of what made it a comfort, yes? The fact that the work is worthwhile does not make it not work. I have seen too many people ignore their marriages, not put any effort in and wonder why my marriage is better than theirs. It takes work and effort, no matter how worthwhile and even pleasing that work may be.

 

 

This is where I think we are simply arguing semantics. I do not feel that making an effort to stay connected = work. I have an entirely different set of parameters for what constitutes work than you seem to.

 

And, that is okay. We can both have very good marriages, whatever 'good' might mean to either of us.

[texasmama]

Reading the thread, is seems that 'work' has some sort of negative meaning to it. Like it's a huge deal, weight to bear, something.

 

To me, 'work' simply means effort. Time. Attention. A concious application of energy.

 

It's not difficult at all. But, there are times that it absolutely requires concious and deliberate action. When things are blowing up around us, the stress can take a toll on our marriage, if we don't adjust our focus.

 

And, for myself, I've worked darn hard on becoming the wife *I* want to be. And I'm *still* working on it, just as I work on being the mother I want to be.

 

Interesting thought...I don't know of anyone that would deny parenting can be hard work...so why is the thought of marriage being 'work' a bad thing?

 

IMO, relationships are 'work', in one way or another, but that doesn't mean, to me, that work is a bad thing. It means they're deserving of effort.

 

:iagree:

[Spy Car]

You made an effort to keep in touch, make her feel cherished, make her feel appreciated, she made you feel working afar was worth it, those things took effort, yes? That is part of what made it a comfort, yes? The fact that the work is worthwhile does not make it not work. I have seen too many people ignore their marriages, not put any effort in and wonder why my marriage is better than theirs. It takes work and effort, no matter how worthwhile and even pleasing that work may be.

 

I agree with Audrey. We are arguing about seamantics, and I just don't thnk making a partner feel appreciated or cherished comes under the heading "hard work." These things are easy in a good marriage.

 

Bill