80 year old FIL might remarry, I am worried about will

[Rebecca VA]

It sounds to me as though your FIL isn't sure of what he wants. His lady friend seems to be the one pushing for the marriage, because *she* can't afford to retire. Nice. Your FIL is almost begging you to give him reasons not to do this.

 

If I were you, I'd talk to him about trusts for the grandkids, a pre-nup, and giving his own children power of attorney in case he is incapacitated. In fact, I'd advise that the pre-nup provide a yearly sum for this woman for every year that your FIL is alive. That way she'll be motivated to take very good care of him.

[ZeldaRules]

So a person can gift $11,000 to a person tax free while alive. Your FIL could set up trusts and give your children $11,000 in that account per year. He can set up parameters for how the money is divvied up after he dies in an irrevocable trust. Definitely recommend that.

 

For his house...say he wants everyone to have equal share...he could gift it to the children/grandchildren nw $11,000 value per person...but write a clause that the house can't be sold without has permission in the deed. Then you avoid estate taxes, and if he does it now, he can avoid the medicare/nursing home taking his home if he as to go to one - he has to do it 4 or 5 years prior.

 

I worked for a lawyer for a few years. We did the house thing with my parents. The house is in my brothers name. We had to do two deeds,one each year to cover the value. They have closed/passed the 4 or 5 year window.

 

The lawyer I worked for said if he was terminally ill, he would rob a bank or act as if he were...he would go to jail and get better health care than most people and would avoid the cost of a nursing home and them taking everything. Nursing home/jail...you basically lose your freedom in both.

 

Whatever he does,have FIL let his family have what money he wants them to have tax free now if he isn't planning on spending it.

 

Copy the important photos now...scan them, take pictures with a digital camera...then you don't have to worry about them later. ;)

[KungFuPanda]

I don't know about all of this tying up of his money before he's gone. He may NEED it for himself. He could have long term medical bills for him OR his wife. That goes through a chunk of change.

 

Say what you will about "that woman" but not one of us here would consider NOT paying our husbands medical bills (even during the first few years of marriage) because we're saving money for our grandchild's college fund. You've got to think of him as a person, not an Old Person.

[kitten18]

It sounds to me as though your FIL isn't sure of what he wants. His lady friend seems to be the one pushing for the marriage, because *she* can't afford to retire. Nice. Your FIL is almost begging you to give him reasons not to do this.

 

If I were you, I'd talk to him about trusts for the grandkids, a pre-nup, and giving his own children power of attorney in case he is incapacitated. In fact, I'd advise that the pre-nup provide a yearly sum for this woman for every year that your FIL is alive. That way she'll be motivated to take very good care of him.

I completely agree.

[Audrey]

Your FIL's money isn't really your business, but he shouldn't be wooed and schmoozed into handing it all over to someone else, either. SHE should not be making the arrangements for a pre-nup. THEY should be making arrangements for a pre-nup. They MUST have separate lawyers for this. MUST. MUST. MUST. If they both use the lawyer she arranged, then your FIL can kiss his assets good-bye.

 

Ask me how I know. :glare:

Edited October 9, 2012 by Audrey

[FO4UR]

Sorry, I don't think you should count on money you don't have. Even if it isn't a case of a gold-digger arriving on the scene you never know what kind of medical costs will come up once one is elderly.

 

You need to start saving for your kids college. Those expenses are yours and your children's not their grandfather's.

 

 

 

This is true.

 

 

However, Grandpa desires to fund college for the kids. His wishes need to be respected...by the kids who will benefit (no partying on Grandpas dime) and by any future spouse...as well as the parents of the kids who will benefit. It is important to remember that the OP did not ask for this, but Grandpa willingly gave - it is his wish.

 

 

 

 

 

 

My brother had our mother sign a pre nup. She's married an ass. Anyhow, the money she leaves behind will be very important to both of my sisters, and I want some of of mom's things because I love her.

 

My grandfather remarried, then divorced and the ex took everything, even pictures of the children just out of spite. My mom has only a couple of things that were her mother's.

 

 

These kinds of things happen, and if the woman has been around to have some kind of ill feelings towards the late MIL....beware!

 

 

I am one of the grandchildren who received nothing in a case similar.:glare: It *REALLY* is not the money. It is a gift stolen. It is the loss of sentimental items, priceless to the family...evidently a handy tool for vendetta for some.

 

 

Things like family pictures, heirlooms, MILs favorite _______, etc need to be handled with care before any wedding takes place. Honestly, the fact that this is not a new flame, and this woman was around while FIL and MIL were still married raises more red flags than usual.

 

 

 

It sounds to me as though your FIL isn't sure of what he wants. His lady friend seems to be the one pushing for the marriage, because *she* can't afford to retire. Nice. Your FIL is almost begging you to give him reasons not to do this.

 

If I were you, I'd talk to him about trusts for the grandkids, a pre-nup, and giving his own children power of attorney in case he is incapacitated. In fact, I'd advise that the pre-nup provide a yearly sum for this woman for every year that your FIL is alive. That way she'll be motivated to take very good care of him.

 

 

 

:iagree:

[bettyandbob]

As others have said, the money isn't and never was yours.

 

Although the lady friend might be a good companion, she may also get tried of caring for him--there can be a vast difference in the health of a 65 year old and an 80 year old and an 80 year old who is in good shape today may still being great shape in 15 years or go into rapid decline in one year. Once you start counting up health care costs for elderly persons a lot of money is no longer very much money at all. I'm going to assume that if your FIL suddenly went through most of the savings for his own health care, you wouldn't object. This is where FIL needs financial protection. His money needs to be for his use. He needs a financial agreement that ensures that happens prior to any marriage.

 

What you do not want to happen is for the money to disappear and FIL need medical and financial help, when you are already handling the stress of raising a family.

[stripe]

Sorry, I don't think you should count on money you don't have. Even if it isn't a case of a gold-digger arriving on the scene you never know what kind of medical costs will come up once one is elderly.

 

You need to start saving for your kids college. Those expenses are yours and your children's not their grandfather's.

 

I have never counted on any money from anyone, even relatives who tell me they will give me something seem to forget a month later.

 

It is, however, very uncomfortable, I admit.

 

I think it would be good to see if the FIL still intends to leave them money, and clarify things so that no one blames the new wife, if she survives him.

[brehon]

I don't know about all of this tying up of his money before he's gone. He may NEED it for himself. He could have long term medical bills for him OR his wife. That goes through a chunk of change.

 

Say what you will about "that woman" but not one of us here would consider NOT paying our husbands medical bills (even during the first few years of marriage) because we're saving money for our grandchild's college fund. You've got to think of him as a person, not an Old Person.

 

True, but there are instruments which both provide for current and/or future needs AND protect assets for any future heirs (assuming FIL wishes to do so). In most states there is no need to choose between the two. And by consulting with an estate attorney the OP's FIL can get the best advice for his situation.

 

And Audrey is absolutely correct, OP, your FIL *needs* to use his attorney, not one suggested by the woman. Frankly, if he's as well off as you've intimated I can't imagine that he doesn't have his own attorney.

[Rebecca VA]

You know, I think you have an obligation to your late MIL to make sure the money isn't squandered by a usurper. Your MIL saved and invested for her own family's benefit. She would have wanted her dear grandchildren to reap the benefits of her hard work. You're not being greedy to want to protect that money.

 

Your FIL's lady friend has a history of deceptive behavior (the affair) and has openly said she wants to marry for money. That's scary. I would speak up vigorously and have your husband's siblings do so as well. Your FIL may be getting railroaded into a bad situation.

[bettyandbob]

I would speak up vigorously and have your husband's siblings do so as well.

 

 

Speaking up vigorously could easily result in FIL deciding family is greedy and shutting them out completely without any analysis of protecting assets for his use.

[Slipper]

My husband's grandmother put into place a family trust as she was getting older. It was basically a "blood trust" meaning that the money from one trust would go to blood kin. When she died, it was written into the trust that it be split a certain way - 1/2 going to her only child (MIL) as a trust, 1/4 going to her only grandchild (DH) as a trust, and the other 1/4 going to our kids in a trust. When MIL dies, her money (regardless of who she is married to) will empty into DH's trust. When DH dies, his trust goes to our kids. (We have life insurance to take care of me and it's noted in the trust that if we are still married, I should be taken care of with trust money).

 

MIL has a will that spells out what step-FIL will receive if he outlives her.

 

That worked out quite well and would probably work in your situation. The trust took care of his grandmother completely until she passed.

 

The opposite situation is that MIL's husband is not doing well (dementia among other things) and is in assisted living. It's quite possible for HIS costs to completely drain her trust. The trust supported both of them without them having to work. It's staggering what costs can occur as you get older. I would not count on your FIL's money having seen what I have in the past few months. It's horrifying.

 

Basically, ask FIL to set up a family trust, will (specifying what he will leave his new wife), power of attorney to his kids and then work on how you will save for your kids' education. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. :)

[Seasider]

Another thing that really bothers me is that MIL saved and invested this money for her children's future, and the thought of it falling into the hands of a woman that had an affair with her husband bugs me to no end. It is hard enough to see this woman, even though she is being nice, once in a while, I dont want her to live two doors down from me (where FIL lives).

 

Outinthegarden, I do worry about photographs and all the beautiful things MIL made being tossed aside. I dont think you are being harsh at all, just realistic.

 

I know I am being selfish about the money. I wish I could get over this.

 

And yes, dh and FIL have had intense meetings with financial planners and I believe lawyers about the money. The meetings took place over the summer. This marriage idea popped up a few weeks ago.

 

I am essentially replying to your original post, just wanted to add that this post resonates with me. :grouphug::grouphug: It is challenging to sort feelings from logical behavior under these circumstances.

 

I have lived (am living?) a sort-of-similar scenario. Our inheritance is complex, entangled with ancestral property holdings & mineral rights. Translate: extremely complicated, even before factoring in my mother's remarriage.

 

The "old family friend" in our scenario was around long before my father's death. Marriage was not in the vocabulary until the first round of oil & gas exploration following my father's death required an extended family round-up for signatures on documents. Suddenly old friend is pressing her to marry him. So she called me to ask what I would think about her getting married again.

 

Gut punch. Lots of emotions. Lots of words in my head that I knew couldn't come out of my mouth, because they reflected my hurt and resentment moreso than my wishes for her provision and happiness. I had to respond verrryyyy slowly. I told her I wanted her to be happy, and that I'd think about it.

 

This is what it all came down to - I was able to truly say that I didn't care if I never saw a dime from the estate (my dad would differ if he could speak from the other side, but I digress...). But I did decide to speak plainly about something that deeply troubled me. The Old Friend/Now New Husband has adult children that are just nuts. I am not exaggerating when I say that between them they represent a plethora of personality disorders. I felt it was fair to ask that whatever she did, to please make sure that there would never be any reason for me (my siblings, our spouses, our children) to have any legal dealings with these people in settling her estate. So when I called her to tell her what I thought of it all, I said something like this:

 

"Mom, I am happy that you are happy, and I do not want you to feel any obligation to me. It's your life, live it as you see fit! But I ask you one thing - I wish to have no reason to have any legal dealings with his kids - you know what they are like [she was compelled to agree]. What you do with your money and property is not my business unless you make it my business. Please see to it that it never becomes both my business and their business."

 

She really understood, for which I am thankful. She saw a lawyer and had papers drawn up that prevent any such mess from happening. I don't count on ever seeing a penny from my father's estate. But at least I sleep well knowing I will never be tied up in court with a bunch of loons.

 

Have another :grouphug:. This is really about a lot more than money. But making the conscious decision to forgo any claim to that money is really very liberating.

[Rebecca VA]

Betty, I know what you mean, but in this situation the FIL asked his children what they think. This is their golden opportunity to speak up. They can do so tactfully and not greedily.

[Seasider]

I agree with most of the posters.

 

However, the OP said that the FIL has asked his children how they felt. I think in that scenario it would be appropriate to have a discussion with him about protecting assets for all his children/grandchildren. It’s up to FIL how and if he does that but if he’s opened the door to the conversation that’s different than calling and giving him an unsolicited opinion.

 

:iagree:onehundredfold

[Catwoman]

Thank you for helping me put this more in perspective. I never counted on that money until a few years ago and I'm shocked at how I feel about this. I feel like one of those tacky villains in a soap opera fighting over family fortunes.

 

I don't blame you a bit for feeling the way you do, particularly since you knew that your MIL wouldn't have approved of your FIL marrying this particular woman.

 

 

Another thing that really bothers me is that MIL saved and invested this money for her children's future, and the thought of it falling into the hands of a woman that had an affair with her husband bugs me to no end. It is hard enough to see this woman, even though she is being nice, once in a while, I dont want her to live two doors down from me (where FIL lives).

 

Of course it bugs you. And I wouldn't doubt for a minute that your FIL is feeling more than a little guilty about it, too, since he obviously ended up choosing your MIL over this other woman.

 

 

I agree with most of the posters. However, the OP said that the FIL has asked his children how they felt. I think in that scenario it would be appropriate to have a discussion with him about protecting assets for all his children/grandchildren. It’s up to FIL how and if he does that but if he’s opened the door to the conversation that’s different than calling and giving him an unsolicited opinion.

 

If he's asking his kids for their opinions, he may well be looking for a way to tell the woman that his kids disapprove of the marriage, so he's not going to go through with it. In other words, he might be trying to find a reason to say no to the marriage, but not be sure how to handle it.

 

 

 

It sounds to me as though your FIL isn't sure of what he wants. His lady friend seems to be the one pushing for the marriage, because *she* can't afford to retire. Nice. Your FIL is almost begging you to give him reasons not to do this.

 

I agree completely. It sounds like this woman may be hounding him to get married so she can get to his money. Why should she be worrying about his social security? She gets her own social security, and there's no reason why she should be entitled to his, even if it's a higher amount. If she's already admitting she wants the social security, you know she really wants a lot more than that. Pretty soon, it will be, "Your kids don't need the money, but I'm too old to go out and work again if something happens to you, so you should probably put all of the accounts in my name." :glare:

 

I think she sees that he has money and plans to cash in on all of it. Or else she'll stay married to him for a short time and then file for divorce, taking some of his money with her.

 

If I were your dh, I would encourage his father that if he wants to remain in a relationship with the woman, but he lives in his home and she lives in hers, and there is no marriage. That way, they can be together whenever they'd like, but they also both have homes in case things don't work out. There is simply no reason why they should need to be married. Also, they get along well right now, but if the woman is after his money, she's going to be as sweet as pie until she has a ring on her finger. Once she gets money in her name, all bets are off.

 

You know, I think you have an obligation to your late MIL to make sure the money isn't squandered by a usurper. Your MIL saved and invested for her own family's benefit. She would have wanted her dear grandchildren to reap the benefits of her hard work. You're not being greedy to want to protect that money.

 

Your FIL's lady friend has a history of deceptive behavior (the affair) and has openly said she wants to marry for money. That's scary. I would speak up vigorously and have your husband's siblings do so as well. Your FIL may be getting railroaded into a bad situation.

 

I am even more concerned about what happens if this woman finds a way to convince your FIL to put her name on the house and all of the financial accounts. Your FIL could end up needing the money to pay for his own care as he gets older, but this woman could take it all, and there's nothing your dh or his siblings could do about it. Also, what if your FIL gets sick and the woman decides not to get him the best doctors because she doesn't want to spend his money on the care he needs so she can keep more of it for herself?

 

I am very suspicious of this woman's motives, and I think your dh would be extremely remiss if he didn't lay things on the line with his father. This isn't even about the inheritance as much as it is about helping his dad avoid getting conned by this woman. And from what you've said, it's painfully obvious that she's after his money.

 

I would have your dh suggest to his dad that he tell the woman he will never marry her, and see if she bails out on the relationship within a short time -- because I'm willing to bet that if he won't marry her, she'll start looking for another sucker who will.

Edited October 9, 2012 by Catwoman

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

Another thing that really bothers me is that MIL saved and invested this money for her children's future, and the thought of it falling into the hands of a woman that had an affair with her husband bugs me to no end. It is hard enough to see this woman, even though she is being nice, once in a while, I dont want her to live two doors down from me (where FIL lives).

 

Outinthegarden, I do worry about photographs and all the beautiful things MIL made being tossed aside. I dont think you are being harsh at all, just realistic.

 

I know I am being selfish about the money. I wish I could get over this.

 

And yes, dh and FIL have had intense meetings with financial planners and I believe lawyers about the money. The meetings took place over the summer. This marriage idea popped up a few weeks ago.

IMO I think that your MIL intentions should mean something and be respected if possible. I would not be too happy about a possible gold-digger as well. Of course, it is his money now and one should never count on these things, but it would still be unsettling to say the least that a MIL's intentions would not be honored due to a latecomer in the game. Obviously, if FIL needs the money for his own living expenses that is different.

 

That all said, I would have your dh diplomatically speak to FIL and not count on the money. Then, if the situation does not go your way, I would definitely move on and not let it get to you.

[RanchGirl]

My husband is a financial advisor and what he typically recommends in a re-marriage situation is that they take out an insurance policy that will provide the same amount as the estate, so the estate is left to the kids and the policy goes to the new spouse.

 

But given that this woman has stated she is a gold digger, I hope your Fil comes to his senses soon! There are many ways he can help her financially without marrying her.

[Serenade]

Dangerous territory, IMO. My 88 year old FIL's second wife, 25 years his junior, is not taking care of him as promised and per her marriage vows. Instead, she is turning into an alcoholic because apparently she can't deal with the reality that she is now married to an old and failing man. She has spent all of his money, and does not want to move to assisted living. It is looking more and more like she is going to dump him in a care facility while she lives on her own somewhere. Honestly, I think she had thought that he would die a long time ago, and then she would be on easy street, but it just didn't work out that way.

 

I feel so sorry for my FIL. He is now old and weak and his wife is rejecting him. What a sad way to go. Meanwhile, there is not a whole lot my DH and his sister can do to help, because the wife is entitled to make all decisions regarding his care. He would be better off if he was single and my DH and his sister were making care decisions.

 

ETA: MIL basically had FIL write his kids out of the will, although that doesn't matter too much because there is not much left at this point. Luckily for my DH and his sister, they have a trust from their mom. FIL and MIL have depleted some of this, probably not quite legally, but DH convinced his father to let him take over the management (he was next in line), so at least some will be remaining. It could end up messy if DH and his sister end up having to sue MIL (after FIL's passing) for failure to pay back a legal loan to the trust. I'm not sure they would go this route -- they may just choose to take it as a loss and be done with it. I'm just saying that even a trust is not foolproof.

Edited October 10, 2012 by Serenade

[Catwoman]

There are many ways he can help her financially without marrying her.

 

My feeling is that he shouldn't be helping her financially. If they're in a loving relationship and he wants to pay for dinner or a vacation or buy her little gifts, that's one thing. Paying her rent and utilities (or whatever) is another thing entirely. He shouldn't feel the need to pay for her companionship -- but I'll bet if he doesn't do exactly that, the woman will start shopping for someone who will.

 

It sounds like this woman is trying to manipulate him into feeling responsible for her financial support after he dies. That's creepy.

[Corraleno]

I am very suspicious of this woman's motives, and I think your dh would be extremely remiss if he didn't lay things on the line with his father. This isn't even about the inheritance as much as it is about helping his dad avoid getting conned by this woman. And from what you've said, it's painfully obvious that she's after his money.

My feeling is that he shouldn't be helping her financially. If they're in a loving relationship and he wants to pay for dinner or a vacation or buy her little gifts, that's one thing. Paying her rent and utilities (or whatever) is another thing entirely. He shouldn't feel the need to pay for her companionship -- but I'll bet if he doesn't do exactly that, the woman will start shopping for someone who will.

 

It sounds like this woman is trying to manipulate him into feeling responsible for her financial support after he dies. That's creepy.

:iagree:

 

OP, if part of your FIL's reasons for considering this arrangement is that this woman said she'd "take care of him," can you assure him that he will be well looked after by family and really doesn't need to rely on her for that? I agree with others who worried that since she's clearly in this for the money, she may decide to skimp on his care and keep more money for herself — from her POV, the sooner he dies the better off she is, so she's got a vested interest in NOT getting him the best care. He would almost certainly be better cared for by his children than by some vulture who's circling around, hoping he only has a short time left.

 

Jackie

[PrincessMommy]

sorry but it is fil's money to do with as he wants. If he wants to set up trust funds for your childrens' college that would be great, but he is not obligated to do that. You should not be planning on absolutly getting that money,, you need to start making plans yourself for your childrens college expenses.

 

:iagree: Your children are young... there's still time to put money aside.

 

As far as the relationship goes - I'm sorry. This must be very hard to bring someone into the family with whom you are uncomfortable. :grouphug:

[gardenmom5]

Honestly, I think she had thought that he would die a long time ago, and then she would be on easy street, but it just didn't work out that way.

.

there's a pride and prejudice spin-off that does that to caroline bingly. marries her off to an 78 yo billionaire who fathers three children off her, and lives to a very ripe old age.

[Catwoman]

OP, if part of your FIL's reasons for considering this arrangement is that this woman said she'd "take care of him," can you assure him that he will be well looked after by family and really doesn't need to rely on her for that? I agree with others who worried that since she's clearly in this for the money, she may decide to skimp on his care and keep more money for herself — from her POV, the sooner he dies the better off she is, so she's got a vested interest in NOT getting him the best care. He would almost certainly be better cared for by his children than by some vulture who's circling around, hoping he only has a short time left.

 

:iagree:

 

Yes. This. Exactly!!!

[Lawana]

I will agree with all those that say, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

 

My dsd's husband expected a considerable inheritance from his grandfather. Unbeknownst to him and his brother, his uncle got the grandfather to change his will in the few months between the time son-in-law's father died and his grandfather died. Leaving the 2 exactly nothing. Dsd and her dh were counting on paying off their second mortgage and considerable other debt with the inheritance.

 

My aunt and her husband were anticipated inheritances from her mother and his father and bought a house they could not easily afford intending to pay it off with the inherited money. The inheritance from her mother was considerably less than she had counted on due to the downturn in the housing market, and her dh angered his father by some immoral actions, whereupon his father put uncle's inheritance in a trust, usable only for emergencies and health care. Now both aunt and uncle are retired, trying to hold onto a house they can't really afford.

 

Also, I think it was Dear Abby who said, "Never say you know someone until you've shared an inheritance with them."

[besroma]

:iagree:

 

OP, if part of your FIL's reasons for considering this arrangement is that this woman said she'd "take care of him," can you assure him that he will be well looked after by family and really doesn't need to rely on her for that? I agree with others who worried that since she's clearly in this for the money, she may decide to skimp on his care and keep more money for herself — from her POV, the sooner he dies the better off she is, so she's got a vested interest in NOT getting him the best care. He would almost certainly be better cared for by his children than by some vulture who's circling around, hoping he only has a short time left.

 

Jackie

 

My feeling is that he shouldn't be helping her financially. If they're in a loving relationship and he wants to pay for dinner or a vacation or buy her little gifts, that's one thing. Paying her rent and utilities (or whatever) is another thing entirely. He shouldn't feel the need to pay for her companionship -- but I'll bet if he doesn't do exactly that, the woman will start shopping for someone who will.

 

It sounds like this woman is trying to manipulate him into feeling responsible for her financial support after he dies. That's creepy.

 

They should both get a pre-nup. She probably has family that feels the same way. If you approach both of them w/ the idea that this is best for both of them, it won't be as harsh/selfish as just asking fil to get one.

 

:iagree:

[QueenCat]

I'm sitting here hoping dh's granny's husband's kids didn't view her as a gold digger when they got married. She was 70, he was 77. They are now 89 and 96..... She had nothing but ss and a small, paid off house when they got married. He had much more than she did when they married.... They are perfect companions for each other. They bought a house together after marrying, as neither wanted to live where there were "ghosts" from the deceased spouses.Thankfully, the house is in both their names, so his kids won't be able to take it from her should he die first.

[MIch elle]

Ask for the money now. You need to have your dh ask his dad if he plans on leaving his dc and gdc anything. He can give up to $10k/person gift without taxes.

My dad did this before he died. It made it a lot easier on all of us for him to enjoy giving away a bit of his money while he was alive (Mom had already died). What little money was left was evenly divided between all sibling.

[Catwoman]

I'm sitting here hoping dh's granny's husband's kids didn't view her as a gold digger when they got married. She was 70, he was 77. They are now 89 and 96..... She had nothing but ss and a small, paid off house when they got married. He had much more than she did when they married.... They are perfect companions for each other. They bought a house together after marrying, as neither wanted to live where there were "ghosts" from the deceased spouses.Thankfully, the house is in both their names, so his kids won't be able to take it from her should he die first.

 

I think the suspicions about this woman arise primarily as a result of her statement that she wants his social security when she dies. Doesn't really sound like true love to me, ya know? ;)

[Tap]

Sorry, I don't think you should count on money you don't have. Even if it isn't a case of a gold-digger arriving on the scene you never know what kind of medical costs will come up once one is elderly.

 

You need to start saving for your kids college. Those expenses are yours and your children's not their grandfather's.

 

:iagree:

[Sandsam]

I have only skimmed the responses but I think I have a different opinion. Your MIL was 50% of the accumulation of assets that your FIL now controls. I am going to hazzard a guess that your MIL would like some of that money to help with college for her grandchildren. I do not think you are a golddigger to think of this. I think you are being a normal rational person. What is to say that the new lady isn't thinking about those assets for her own heirs, directly or indirectly? I'm not being mean. I'm being realistic.

 

I think there needs to be a pre-nup that provides at least part of the estate to the hiers on your MIL side - ie, your children.

[Evergreen State Sue]

After my mom died, my dad married 3 times. With the first woman, he had a prenup drawn up clearly stating he wanted his children to split the assets. I think he made a prenup with the second woman, but by the time he got to the third woman he didn't want to pay another lawyer and let it go. Clearly his intention was not to leave his assets to the third woman. My dad died, the third wife left the state and left us kids to settle the estate. Because my dad didn't update his will, the third wife got half of the estate, and the rest of his children shared the other half.

 

I say talk to your FIL (or have your dh) and be clear what he wants to do with his estate. If it is to give X amount to his grandchildren, then make sure he gets it in writing. Whatever he wants to do, make sure he spells it out legally. You or our children do not have any right to his estate unless he wants you to. Just be sure he gets it in writing legally whatever he wants to do.

[suppleasthewind]

I don't have much of an update. I strongly urged dh to discuss these things with FIL, but I think he is tiptoeing around it. Dh did call FIL's financial advisor who hasn't called back yet. I guess all summer they (dh, FIL, financial team) discussed trusts but never set them up.

 

The truly ironic thing is that a few months ago dh told me he and FIL thought it would be good idea to set up huge trust for family so that it can last a few generations.