What kind of work would you give your 11yo for this comment?

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I told dd to do her math before viloin lesson. She had a mini fit, so i told her that she must have too much free time on her hands and i'll have to work her harder. Can you guess what she said?!?! "See if I care."

 

I took her ipod for the week. I plan to load her up with "dirty work" and school work.

 

Any ideas? Since this is 99% attention seeking, how do i reduce my negative attention while showing her that the recent disrespect is unaccaptable?

 

She gets away with murder because ds is so rough. She does get plenty of positive attention and time away from ds, but she's pulling me into a negative attention cycle (or maybe it's escape?).

[ThatCyndiGirl]

I wouldn't punish her for that. She was angry/frustrated and she said it. I don't think that we can expect kids to speak exactly as we want when they are angry.

[Guest submarines]

I wouldn't punish her for that. She was angry/frustrated and she said it. I don't think that we can expect kids to speak exactly as we want when they are angry.

 

:iagree:

[Jan in SC]

I think a better solution would have been to say something like- either get it done, or x will be the consequence. I think you said something flippant and she responded the same way. You, as a parent, have the last word, but it sounds like baiting to me.

 

I have made many "smart" comments to my children only to realize later how they sounded!!! :001_smile:

[HeidiKC]

Ok, edited after reading previous posts. I think they are exactly right. Especially Jan in SC.

 

I'd probably go for more of the dirty work than school work, since I wouldn't want to associate punishment with school work. Mainly for my own benefit, since I wouldn't want dc to feel more reluctant than ever about school work.

 

Are you sure it's negative attention being sought? I was disrespectful like that to my parents, but it wasn't attention I wanted. I was just an angry kid, and rather a snot. I hate to say, but I think it's kind of that age. Ds began acting a bit like that around 11. I think positive attention (when warranted!) is very helpful, and just establishing a good relationship. Which can be hard when they are being such pains!

 

Anyway, good luck. I know that's just maddening!

Edited September 24, 2012 by HeidiKC

[AimeeM]

I wouldn't punish her for that. She was angry/frustrated and she said it. I don't think that we can expect kids to speak exactly as we want when they are angry.

Word.

And I wouldn't use more school work as punishment - I never want my children to see school as punishment, but that's just me.

[LisaKinVA]

I told dd to do her math before viloin lesson. She had a mini fit, so i told her that she must have too much free time on her hands and i'll have to work her harder. Can you guess what she said?!?! "See if I care."

 

I took her ipod for the week. I plan to load her up with "dirty work" and school work.

 

Any ideas? Since this is 99% attention seeking, how do i reduce my negative attention while showing her that the recent disrespect is unaccaptable?

 

She gets away with murder because ds is so rough. She does get plenty of positive attention and time away from ds, but she's pulling me into a negative attention cycle (or maybe it's escape?).

 

I know a certain 13yo boy who kept saying, "I don't care" to the consequences...he wound up cutting the lawn on his hands and knees with hedge trimmers (ftr, the dad did it once, in full view of all the neighbors well in advance, so the teen couldn't turn around and say, "you wouldn't do this!") Not in my family, though...

 

I'd probably react the same way you did, but my better self would want to nip things like that before they happened. For example, when the mini-fit started, dd (10) or ds (13) would be sent to their room until they could calm down (they don't have toys and games in their rooms, just books and stuffed animals). The work they missed from their cooling off period would still need to be done, but my goal is to help them learn to control themselves before getting to the snotty remark (and to help me keep my sanity). We do have little talks (not sermons), about how to approach dad and I when they disagree about something, and why.

 

We usually start out with things like, "I'm not perfect. I will say and do things I will be ashamed of. I will issue punishments that are unfair...and about 30 seconds after I say it, I will regret it. What you need to do in this situation is give me about 15 minutes to cool down, and give yourself about 15 minutes to calm down...then come to me and politely ask if we can discuss the punishment. 90% of the time I will probably agree with you that the punishment is excessive, and we'll work it out. " And, I do apologize for losing my temper. I tell them that it is something I have to work on, and that I want them to learn how to handle things better than I did.

 

This seems to work, for the most part, at least with my 13yo (my 10yo hasn't gotten to this stage, yet...)

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I agree with the school work, thank you.

 

I'm not sure it's attention. It used to be escape and shes good at it. But the problem is that she is so far behind on school (overall, like doing 2nd grade math) that this crap has to stop. I have to attach school to fun or it will get even worse, but that's going to seem like punishing to her.

 

Then she brings up things that ds does that she cant. They're 2 different people! Nothing in life is equal.

[SKL]

I'm thinking a thorough scrub of all the bathrooms would be a good start.

 

Respecting mom is important. As another single mom, I think it's one of the most important behavior matters I need to address.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I wouldn't punish her for that. She was angry/frustrated and she said it. I don't think that we can expect kids to speak exactly as we want when they are angry.

 

This is becoming her normal. If i send her to her room, she'll just draw and that's all she wants to do.

 

In the 30 minutes she sat down to do math, all she did was draw on the edges of the page.

 

She is, once again, refusing to do all work (chores and school). I can't take away her drawing stuff because all she needs is a pencil and draws on her work.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I'm thinking a thorough scrub of all the bathrooms would be a good start.

 

Respecting mom is important. As another single mom, I think it's one of the most important behavior matters I need to address.

 

The upstairs bathroom is in need of some attention. I think chores until she's ready to do her school work without nasty comments (op was just the tip) may help. She's not as stubborn as ds, where he would complete all tasks not related to whatever it is that he's trying to escape.

[Durriyyah]

I'm thinking a thorough scrub of all the bathrooms would be a good start.

 

Respecting mom is important. As another single mom, I think it's one of the most important behavior matters I need to address.

 

Maybe I'm a meanie, but I agree with this. I would have her do a house chore that takes a while like scrubbing the basement floor. DD the other day was complaining about cleaning the bathroom, saying she doesn't even know how I want it done. I told her "okay, I'll make sure to have you do it more often then. It really only takes 10 minutes to do what I asked of you." A smart mouth never flies in this house (though she didn't have a smart mouth with this one... just excessive whining).

 

I was a single mom for 7 years... maybe this is something we build up out of necessity? Or maybe it is just the parenting style. Dunno.

[Amy in NH]

Any ideas? Since this is 99% attention seeking

 

Perhaps she is trying to tell you that she needs more attention. Instead of punishing her, make some special time for just the two of you.

[bolt.]

Would you consider getting her some really good art supplies, then setting aside time for her to engage in art periodically through out the day? If you did that, you would create a perfect set up for a minute-for-minute incentive/disincentive plan... meaning, "You have 45 minutes per morning and 45 minutes per afternoon to draw. You can do it after your school work, and you can use all these wonderful artistic things! (Aren't they great!) Of course, you can also draw in your margins during school time, but every minute you spend doing that I'm going to count as art time. You will loose a minute of real art time for every minute of school time that you spend doodling when you could be working."

[QuirkyKidAcademy]

She's 11yo - past time to learn that you don't treat people disrespectfully. I think respect for the parent(s) is very important and make sure DS knows it. His disrespect is tied to his possessions and free time - the PS3 or bedtime or playdates.

 

When he won't get his work done - I just take him to the kitchen and start handing out jobs. Take out the trash, please. Now sweep the floor. The dishes need washing. Great - let's wash the glass doors. Still not feeling the love? Here's a dust rag for the living room. Eventually he is ready to go back to school because math is easier than housework!

[StephanieZ]

I don't think "see if I care" is worthy of a lot of attention.

 

I think kids need to be able to express their displeasure and disagreement with me. If they can do it reasonably respectfully, I try to let it slide. "See if I care" doesn't cross any serious boundaries with me, although I would certainly be irritated by it.

 

Ideally, I would ignore it.

 

In reality, it would bug me, so I'd likely raise my eyebrows, scowl, and take away dessert or assign one simple but dislike task.

 

I wouldn't do long-term consequences for that. If it were foul language or actual disobedience (refusing to do what I was saying), then, yes, I'd give a longer consequence.

[bolt.]

I think learning to speak respectfully even while having strong feelings is a very important skill for our kids to be learning.

 

I want to help them learn it, but I know it's hard. I don't expect them to be fully capable at a young age like 11. To me, that's unreasonable. It's a skill under development, and not an easy one! I certainly would point out to the child that such outbursts are childish, and that I expect her to find a way to manage both his/her feelings and his/her words with greater control. I'd also be sure to create learning opporunities as-to how they might to do better in the future and/or make ammends for the offense against me -- but I don't think I'd use punishments in this case. I don't punish children for failing to do well at a skill that isn't fully within their grasp yet.

 

In fact, I don't think I know any person, child or adult, that has this skill 100% under control. I think it's one that we continue to work on well beyond childhood.

[eternalknot]

I think learning to speak respectfully even while having strong feelings is a very important skill for our kids to be learning.

 

I want to help them learn it, but I know it's hard. I don't expect them to be fully capable at a young age like 11. To me, that's unreasonable. It's a skill under development, and not an easy one! I certainly would point out to the child that such outbursts are childish, and that I expect her to find a way to manage both his/her feelings and his/her words with greater control. I'd also be sure to create learning opporunities as-to how they might to do better in the future and/or make ammends for the offense against me -- but I don't think I'd use punishments in this case. I don't punish children for failing to do well at a skill that isn't fully within their grasp yet.

 

In fact, I don't think I know any person, child or adult, that has this skill 100% under control. I think it's one that we continue to work on well beyond childhood.

 

:iagree:

 

Address and discipline, but not so much punish IMO.

[FLDebbie]

In the 30 minutes she sat down to do math, all she did was draw on the edges of the page.

 

 

I remember reading one time that sending kids to their rooms where they have toys, books, drawing supplies, etc. isn't a punishment. The author (I don't remember who it was) suggested that if a child is in a stage where she needs to get sent to her room for punishment, then remove everything from the room that could be considered fun. I'm not sure if this is feasible, but perhaps there's somewhere she could go that wouldn't be fun for her time out (e.g., sit quitely at the dining room table).

[Bang!Zoom!]

I don't see how punishing her is going to assist her with her coping skills and recognizing other choices she could have made.

[LibraryLover]

My youngest is just starting with that carp. We have discussed how distressing it can be for me, and she apologizes. DC has told me that her insides are 'bubbling up'. I ignore as much as possible. I hate it. She is a great kid, so I know it's 'the age'. I still hate it.

 

Everyone in my hs group with a preteen or young teen is dealing with this on some level. (None of us are from France. ;))

 

They have toddler impulses, I swear, but with verbal snot.

Edited September 24, 2012 by LibraryLover

[AimeeM]

This is becoming her normal. If i send her to her room, she'll just draw and that's all she wants to do.

 

In the 30 minutes she sat down to do math, all she did was draw on the edges of the page.

 

She is, once again, refusing to do all work (chores and school). I can't take away her drawing stuff because all she needs is a pencil and draws on her work.

Hormones :D. My 11 year old was almost in tears this morning - over a REVIEW of place value, expanded form, and exponents. I took a deep breath, decided if we continued today we would kill each other, and I called it a day. Not something I make a habit of, but sometimes it's necessary to nip a bad day in the bud and make a fresh start tomorrow. At least here it is, lol.

[Aelwydd]

This is becoming her normal. If i send her to her room, she'll just draw and that's all she wants to do.

 

In the 30 minutes she sat down to do math, all she did was draw on the edges of the page.

 

She is, once again, refusing to do all work (chores and school). I can't take away her drawing stuff because all she needs is a pencil and draws on her work.

 

She's 11. Of course it's going to become more normal. She's about to go through puberty, she's dealing with huge changes in hormones, and she sees her brother's bad attitude (that you described in the nerf gun hostage thread) being tolerated, while a quip from her gets her a vengeful reaction from her mother.

 

Are you wanting to find a way to weather the storm, or escalate it?

 

Because there is not way to avoid or end it. She can't just keep a lid on her boiling emotions and feelings, and yes, anger, all or most of the time, without flipping her lid.

 

The school work is a separate issue, and I agree that if she's behind, you need to get her to buckle down. However, as tempting as it is to use school work as a way to regain her focus, it won't work. You need to first take care of the emotional side of of your relationship, in order for her to be able to properly focus on her work.

 

I think you both have got your work cut out. I know that nothing in life is fair, but when I was told that as a child, all it did was foster in me a resentment towards my siblings that continued into adulthood. Also, it fostered in me disrespect towards my father, because it seemed to me that he was just copping out. No, life is not fair, but that does not excuse a parent from trying to make things as equitable as possible between siblings.

 

You'll notice I have only one child. It was largely my feelings about this issue and others that has led me to decide I didn't want to deal with sibling rivalry. I know I am not capable of providing the same amount of attention and resources for a second child as I do for my son, so I stopped at one. Though I'd enjoy another child, I won't procreate and then just expect either of my kids to just deal with my lack of capability in this area. I don't want to do what my father did-- which was to foist that responsibility off to my child, with some glib, "Oh, the world's not fair, is it, Dear?" type response.

 

I know this is not what you are doing to your daughter. However, she is perceiving some inequality there. It's your job to try to address that, and in a way she can comprehend and meet with. Her feelings of not getting enough attention will only feed her anger, and no amount of punishment will drive that out of her. It will only drive a wedge between you, during the most crucial years of her life.

Edited September 24, 2012 by Aelwydd

[fairfarmhand]

I will offer that my dd does SO much better with attitude if she has 30-40 minutes of strenuous physical activity on a daily basis. It doesn't cure the attitude (as you can see by my many posts about her :) ) but it does smooth the rough edges a bit.

[LibraryLover]

I will offer that my dd does SO much better with attitude if she has 30-40 minutes of strenuous physical activity on a daily basis. It doesn't cure the attitude (as you can see by my many posts about her :) ) but it does smooth the rough edges a bit.

 

 

I just sent mine out to move chicken pens. ;)

[snickerplum]

When my friends' children are disrespectful one of them makes her children do push ups and the other gives them a shovel and has them dig a hole in the back yard and then fill it back in. I thought that was kinda funny. Digging a hole and filling it back in is useless and unproductive, as is being disrespectful to others.

[Tammyla]

I wouldn't punish her for this. Everyone has their moments; I'd talk to her about, but I wouldn't punish her. (Btw, think about...Hormones...and prepare yourself.)

 

You might try rewarding good attitudes, work and behaviors vs. punishment.

 

I told dd to do her math before viloin lesson. She had a mini fit, so i told her that she must have too much free time on her hands and i'll have to work her harder. Can you guess what she said?!?! "See if I care."

 

I took her ipod for the week. I plan to load her up with "dirty work" and school work.

 

Any ideas? Since this is 99% attention seeking, how do i reduce my negative attention while showing her that the recent disrespect is unaccaptable?

 

She gets away with murder because ds is so rough. She does get plenty of positive attention and time away from ds, but she's pulling me into a negative attention cycle (or maybe it's escape?).

[bolt.]

I think using punishments and unpleasant consiquences to enforce respectful communication isn't dealing with the whole issue. To me, it's just as important for the child/teen to expereince *why* they are choosing to be respectful, and to have that reason-why be strong enough for *it* to be what controls the mouth in spite of strong feelings.

 

If I use power, authority and unpleasant consiquences as a parent, then I provide a "why" they should be respectful even when they are upset. If it is a strong enough reason-why, then it will effectively curtail the behaviour, but it limits the development of the life skill. It limits the develoment of the life skill because no reason to be respectful other than "because disrespect will earn me something I don't like" ever gets explored or strengthened.

 

The "because disrespect will earn me something I don't like" reason-why is strong only when the 'something I don't like' itself is strong. It also means that *other* reasons like, "because I believe in the dignity of all people" or "because I value my relationships" or "because I am a person of honour and godliness" or "because Jesus is growing the fruit of His Spirit in me" -- just never get explored.

 

This leads to a life skill of only being able to be respectful-under-strain when the person in question has the power to punish. A police officer has the back-up s/he needs in order to trip a person thus-trained into respect mode. So does a person who happens to be making your food out of your sight. Does anyone else? Well, yes, probably lots of people -- but not everyone has the power to make one's life miserable if you disrespect them.

 

I want my children to respect those people too, so I need to build up in my children a *different* reason to show respect for everyone, even when one's emotions are running high. So, since that's the outcome I want, I'm not going to choose a teaching dynamic on this topic that emphasises my power to do unpleasant things to people who disrespect me. I'll be the one choosing a different teaching dynamic.

[QuirkyKidAcademy]

I think using punishments and unpleasant consiquences to enforce respectful communication isn't dealing with the whole issue. To me, it's just as important for the child/teen to expereince *why* they are choosing to be respectful, and to have that reason-why be strong enough for *it* to be what controls the mouth in spite of strong feelings.

 

If I use power, authority and unpleasant consiquences as a parent, then I provide a "why" they should be respectful even when they are upset. If it is a strong enough reason-why, then it will effectively curtail the behaviour, but it limits the development of the life skill. It limits the develoment of the life skill because no reason to be respectful other than "because disrespect will earn me something I don't like" ever gets explored or strengthened.

 

The "because disrespect will earn me something I don't like" reason-why is strong only when the 'something I don't like' itself is strong. It also means that *other* reasons like, "because I believe in the dignity of all people" or "because I value my relationships" or "because I am a person of honour and godliness" or "because Jesus is growing the fruit of His Spirit in me" -- just never get explored.

 

This leads to a life skill of only being able to be respectful-under-strain when the person in question has the power to punish. A police officer has the back-up s/he needs in order to trip a person thus-trained into respect mode. So does a person who happens to be making your food out of your sight. Does anyone else? Well, yes, probably lots of people -- but not everyone has the power to make one's life miserable if you disrespect them.

 

I want my children to respect those people too, so I need to build up in my children a *different* reason to show respect for everyone, even when one's emotions are running high. So, since that's the outcome I want, I'm not going to choose a teaching dynamic on this topic that emphasises my power to do unpleasant things to people who disrespect me. I'll be the one choosing a different teaching dynamic.

 

Something to think about, bolt. Thanks.

[Soror]

I don't think it is going to solve the underlying problems to dole out more punishments. You are going to have to step up your game and in that I mean working on developing your relationship, punishments without relationship are not going to get you very far, and considering her age already I think it will just lead to her counting down the days to her departure. Even if she is behind on school work that doesn't change how much work she is able to accomplish in a day. You will both have to be extremely focused to get it done. She didn't get behind by herself, you cannot put that all on her. I think it would do a lot to own up to her that you have also messed up in letting her get that far behind and discussing with her solutions to help get her back up to par. However, I think first some tomato staking needs to happen, in a loving way. You know that analogy about filing up their cup? I think her cup is on empty and before any of it really "works" you have to address some positive attention. It sounds like a horrible cycle.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Thank you all, again.

 

Her and I do spend a fair amount of time together alone. We crochet together in the evenings (right now she crochets but I sit with her), she gets treats and such after ds is in bed, we take walks while ds is ahead on his bike, etc. I know she's getting a ton of positive attention, and ds-free attention.

 

If her school work were hard, I'd probably ease up a bit. As it is, she's doing SECOND grade math, same level grammar and writing as ds (just much quicker), low level spelling, etc. Everything but latin is a bit of review. She somehow sailed through 5 years of PS without having to actually do any work and along the way, she missed some things, so I'm filling it all in.

 

Her attention span on undesired activities is that of a knat who has had too much caffeine! But when it comes to her artwork, she is so hyper-focused that her brain literally can't switch off the project until it's done, which is why I can't give her more time to do art in the morning.

 

When her and I talk, she seems to understand that her needs and ds's needs are extremely different and that he's just 7, so his school work and length of time spent studying reflects that he's 7. Her work may be near his level, but she's 11 and should have more work than him.

 

She will be capable of living on her own, working, and having a life. Ds, we don't know about right now. They're on such different paths that eventually she needs to understand this.

 

She stomps, whines, and makes nasty comments about everything right now. I know part of it is age and puberty, another part is her asperger's (low filter), but a good part of it is not respecting me. I see it extending to attitude with her therapist, speech therapist, occupational therapist, violin teacher, and even her beloved grandfather. As soon as any person mentions an undesired activity, she acts like a 2 year old (She would likely be very embarrassed by seeing herself recorded, so I should try this).

 

Her therapist has no good ideas. She recommends I take everything away; all things in her room, all of our special activities, and basically just have her do her school work, chores, eat and sleep. I don't agree with this, but taking some things will have to be done.

 

I'm going to reread all posts and come up with a plan of action.

[Parrothead]

The mini fit would have resulted in time out somewhere with nothing to do. If that means sitting on a step or sitting on the sofa alone so be it. That offers time to think and time to get back in control.

 

I would have asked that "See if I care" would be restated into a better thought out argument and a respectful tone. Again, making her think things through.

 

The ipod for a week would have been taken for disrupting the peace in the household. And there is a standing rule that no outside activities will be attended unless/until school work is finished for the day.

[Elizabeth in MN]

Mmm, my reaction would have been swift, volcanic and loud. Disrespect like that can not and should not be tolerated, especially in a one parent home. Personally, I'd make her clean the house - top to bottom.

[Parrothead]

Thank you all, again.

 

Her and I do spend a fair amount of time together alone. We crochet together in the evenings (right now she crochets but I sit with her), she gets treats and such after ds is in bed, we take walks while ds is ahead on his bike, etc. I know she's getting a ton of positive attention, and ds-free attention.

This is good.

 

If her school work were hard, I'd probably ease up a bit. As it is, she's doing SECOND grade math, same level grammar and writing as ds (just much quicker), low level spelling, etc. Everything but latin is a bit of review. She somehow sailed through 5 years of PS without having to actually do any work and along the way, she missed some things, so I'm filling it all in.

Could it be too easy? I remember being so bored in school that I didn't care. Perhaps more of a challenge is what is needed along with the filling in of the gaps.

 

Her attention span on undesired activities is that of a knat who has had too much caffeine! But when it comes to her artwork, she is so hyper-focused that her brain literally can't switch off the project until it's done, which is why I can't give her more time to do art in the morning.

Use this. Make a rule that as of tomorrow no art until school is finished and finished correctly. She sounds bright and perhaps this will be the motivation she needs. Then let her follow her passion in the afternoons. It is what I do with dd, except substitute dance for art.

 

When her and I talk, she seems to understand that her needs and ds's needs are extremely different and that he's just 7, so his school work and length of time spent studying reflects that he's 7. Her work may be near his level, but she's 11 and should have more work than him.

Again, sounds more like a bright underachiever.

 

She will be capable of living on her own, working, and having a life. Ds, we don't know about right now. They're on such different paths that eventually she needs to understand this.

It will come. :grouphug:

 

She stomps, whines, and makes nasty comments about everything right now. I know part of it is age and puberty, another part is her asperger's (low filter), but a good part of it is not respecting me. I see it extending to attitude with her therapist, speech therapist, occupational therapist, violin teacher, and even her beloved grandfather. As soon as any person mentions an undesired activity, she acts like a 2 year old (She would likely be very embarrassed by seeing herself recorded, so I should try this).

The stomping, whining and comments need to be addressed every time. While it is okay to be angry it is not okay to upset the peace of the household. Teaching her that stomping, whining and the like is not going to get her anywhere in life is important. More conversations are needed. Her boss or life partner won't put up with that kind of behavior. You need to get her to restate calmly and logically each and every time. Keep talking through this. Role-play in the evenings. Give her the tools she will need for life.

 

Her therapist has no good ideas. She recommends I take everything away; all things in her room, all of our special activities, and basically just have her do her school work, chores, eat and sleep. I don't agree with this, but taking some things will have to be done.

No, doing all of that won't help. She needs to be given appropriate ways to cope. Lots of talking and communicating needs to go on during down moments. Natural consequences are really what helps them learn. School isn't done, no time for art or extra-curriculars. Rudeness loses a privilege. And rudeness needs to be restated.

 

I'm going to reread all posts and come up with a plan of action.

Good luck. You're doing a great job, mom.

[bethben]

Ds #2 gave me a very snotty/totally disrespectful reply one night when DH was away. That weekend, he got the pleasure of scrubbing the dirty siding on our ranch home with a scrubby brush. Not a peep for 3 months. I tell my children that it's not a sin to be angry, but anger can lead to sin and be careful not to cross the line. Disrespect for authority will always be punished around here. Little ones get time in their room alone, big ones get some major work.

 

Beth

[Laura Corin]

I wouldn't punish her for that. She was angry/frustrated and she said it. I don't think that we can expect kids to speak exactly as we want when they are angry.

 

When my boys have said something rude out of frustration, I just said, "That didn't come out too well, what did you really want to say?" They have always apologised and expressed their frustration in a more acceptable way.

 

Laura

[AimeeM]

When my boys have said something rude out of frustration, I just said, "That didn't come out too well, what did you really want to say?" They have always apologised and expressed their frustration in a more acceptable way.

 

Laura

We do the same. Well, kind of. I say "re-do!" (and the eldest knows what that means, lol).

[QuirkyKapers]

Yep- we do re-do's here too. The re do the chore that wasn't done right, the way something was said, etc. until it is acceptable. I have also asked my kids if they know what they sound like when they seem surprised that I am upset. There are times they recognize what was said was not the best way. Sometimes they don't so I will say what they said in the way I heard it.

[labst60]

 

We usually start out with things like, "I'm not perfect. I will say and do things I will be ashamed of. I will issue punishments that are unfair...and about 30 seconds after I say it, I will regret it. What you need to do in this situation is give me about 15 minutes to cool down, and give yourself about 15 minutes to calm down...then come to me and politely ask if we can discuss the punishment. 90% of the time I will probably agree with you that the punishment is excessive, and we'll work it out. " And, I do apologize for losing my temper. I tell them that it is something I have to work on, and that I want them to learn how to handle things better than I did.

 

This seems to work, for the most part, at least with my 13yo (my 10yo hasn't gotten to this stage, yet...)

 

^^ Dear God, I LOVE this. I am going to copy, paste and print out so I can memorize it! You are a parenting genius! :-) Sassy 7 year old and I escalate each other all the time - and i think this could really help us- thanks so much! :001_smile:

[swellmomma]

I wouldn't punish her for that. She was angry/frustrated and she said it. I don't think that we can expect kids to speak exactly as we want when they are angry.

 

:iagree: Not every stupid thing our kids say needs to be punished. For an attention seeker simply ignoring the comment would be punishment enough. Typically here simply saying "excuse me?" or "try again" is enough to remind them of what is and is not appropriate. No punishment needed for that.

[celticmom]

Maybe I'm a meanie, but I agree with this. I would have her do a house chore that takes a while like scrubbing the basement floor. DD the other day was complaining about cleaning the bathroom, saying she doesn't even know how I want it done. I told her "okay, I'll make sure to have you do it more often then. It really only takes 10 minutes to do what I asked of you." A smart mouth never flies in this house (though she didn't have a smart mouth with this one... just excessive whining).

 

I was a single mom for 7 years... maybe this is something we build up out of necessity? Or maybe it is just the parenting style. Dunno.

 

:iagree:I agree with the bolded.

[LibraryLover]

When my boys have said something rude out of frustration, I just said, "That didn't come out too well, what did you really want to say?" They have always apologised and expressed their frustration in a more acceptable way.

 

Laura

 

 

I've done that. It works, but not all of the time.

 

I hate when new life stages aren't awesome. ;)

[amo_mea_filiis.]

To end school work for today, i had her trace a world map and pick a continent to study. Her map is amazing! And i told her so. This gave her a chance to do something slightly art related, while following directions and being praised.

 

She also got a 97% on her math test.