how to deal with this type of MIL

[HappyLady]

My MIL is a sweet, old lady, but she's the type that expects phone calls/visitors all. the. time. And if you aren't someone who calls her everyday or stops by to see her, she'll talk about how mad she is at you behind your back. :glare:

 

I understand she has nothing better to do with her time than to think about how "neglectful" we all are, but it's getting really annoying. My one SIL just emailed me to tell me she got an irate email from our MIL about how she (the SIL) didn't call her (MIL) after MIL got some sort of shot to help her walk better. Now, SIL didn't think she had to since her DH called his mom. Apparently she was wrong.

 

My SIL got so mad she unfriended our MIL on Facebook. Why, I have no idea, as nothing was said on FB, but that's probably going to be a whole other story someday.

 

I was talking to my DH and he understands both sides, but he asked me if we all know it just takes a phone call or email to keep his mom happy, then why don't we all just do it? I explained to him, and he understands this because he's not perfect, that we all have lives and calling this lady everyday just isn't feasible. DH and I try to call her once a week and do a video chat so she can see us and the grandkids. For us, that's enough. For her, it's not.

 

So, would you call/email more often to keep her happy, or go about your life and contact her as YOU see fit?

[QueenCat]

I'd add an email in there mid-week, for family peace. You're already on the computer, and it'll take 2-3 minutes. Not because you "have" to, but it'll get her a little off your back with minimal effort.

[Amy in NH]

So call her every time you unload your dishwasher and kill two birds with one stone. If it's every day, it should be a pretty quick catch-up call. When the dishwasher is unloaded, make an excuse to get off the phone. Eventually it'll just be a habit.

[fraidycat]

MIL needs a hobby.

 

I'd go about life, call once or twice a week and call it good. She needs to find happiness within herself, not from external sources. The same is true if you're 7 or 70, IMO.

[momto10blessings]

Well my m-i-l is kind of the opposite, so I have not BTDT, but does she ever call you? does she understand that with the kids you all are so busy that sometimes the day gets away from you and you forget to call her? can you tell her to call you all anytime and you will be happy to hear from her?

 

Not sure how many kids you have or their ages, but say you have 3- could the 5 of you take one day a week to remember to call Grandma? Everyone does not need to talk to her each time, but I'm sure she would appreciate hearing from someone in the family.

 

It's hard to appease others when life is so busy with the kiddos, but one day she will be gone and you will miss her demanding ways

[momacacia]

:iagree: Set up a reminder in your email. Draft up about 3 months worth of emails, "Hey, MIL, how you doin? Jr. is doing great in math this week and Suzie still loves riding her bike. Looking forward to skype session.":lol:

 

Or better yet (and pricier), buy or have the kids make up little cards, pre-address and stamp them, and send out every week or two. There is no reason you can't turn this into a system.;)

[Impish]

I refuse.

 

I've gone through a similar song and dance w/MIL and Wolf. I'm not going to reward tantrums, and that's essentially what was going on. She sulks, she pouts, she slaggs you to everyone and their brother.

 

I'm done placating, and trying to keep her happy, b/c if I talk to her once a wk, then she wants once a day. Talk to her once a day, she wants once an hr. It'll never darn well be enough, and I'm done letting her negative behaviour control me. If I call, I call. If I answer the phone, I answer...but it will never again be b/c I'm concerned about the fallout from her if I don't.

 

If keeping her happy is the important thing, then I'd consider it the sole responsibility of her sons, not her dils. :D

[Jean in Newcastle]

How many kids do you have and how old are they? Dh can call her on Monday, You can call or e-mail on Tuesday, a child can call on Wed. . . . I know you said that she expects you all to call every day but explain that you are a unit.

[Danestress]

I would just try.

 

I spend a lot of time with aging people, and lately I am wondering why, as people age, they often seem better able to mentally and emotionally invest in negative things than positive things. I don't know why. But I am pretty sure that the people I know who have become negative, critical, and more angry as they age are having some kind of brain change they can't easily control. No one calls God and says, "help me be bitter as I age." It's almost like there is more energy in the negative things.

 

I don't know. But I recognize the issues as familiar. It's really hard to deal with, but I think trying to smother it in love is better than trying to cope with it using the usual tools.

Edited September 1, 2012 by Danestress

[HappyLady]

Wow. Great suggestions so far! Really! I'm going to use some of these and hopefully I'll remain on the "good" DIL list. :lol:

 

My kids are 4.5 and 1.5 so besides my 4 year old talking for a bit on the phone (if I'm lucky) I can't quite enlist my kids to help out much yet. I'm definitely going to have to setup some reminders, though, because I barely remember to breathe some days! :lol:

[HappyLady]

I refuse.

 

I've gone through a similar song and dance w/MIL and Wolf. I'm not going to reward tantrums, and that's essentially what was going on. She sulks, she pouts, she slaggs you to everyone and their brother.

 

I'm done placating, and trying to keep her happy, b/c if I talk to her once a wk, then she wants once a day. Talk to her once a day, she wants once an hr. It'll never darn well be enough, and I'm done letting her negative behaviour control me. If I call, I call. If I answer the phone, I answer...but it will never again be b/c I'm concerned about the fallout from her if I don't.

 

If keeping her happy is the important thing, then I'd consider it the sole responsibility of her sons, not her dils. :D

 

This is how I'm feeling right now. I don't like to be "bullied" into doing something. But I also know I'll miss her when she's gone so I keep telling myself "a phone call/email here and there won't kill you." I just honestly forget to do it then! And like you said, it never seems to be enough so it gets discouraging trying to please her. :glare:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Oops! I guess the kids are too young. Unless you just hand the phone to the baby and let him babble into it!

 

You could set up a daily circle time with your kids around the computer. Every day you could type:

 

Dear Mom,

 

How are you today? Today we went to the park.

 

Love, Bean and the two bean-sprouts.

 

The next day would be:

 

Dear Mom,

 

How are you today? Today we went to the library.

 

Love, Bean and the two bean-sprouts.

[Impish]

This is how I'm feeling right now. I don't like to be "bullied" into doing something. But I also know I'll miss her when she's gone so I keep telling myself "a phone call/email here and there won't kill you." I just honestly forget to do it then! And like you said, it never seems to be enough so it gets discouraging trying to please her. :glare:

Well, we all know my MIL is a bit nuttier than the average squirrel.

 

I don't do well w/bullying and manipulation tactics.

 

And, honestly, when Wolf tried the old, "Well, a phone call won't kill you, she's old, she'll be dead one day..." my response was, "You're her son. YOU call her. She's old, she'll be dead one day..."

 

I view myself as a supporting player in this particular family insanity. I'm here to support Wolf, not take a leading role. Your mama, your responsibility, not mine.

 

If there's daily calls to be made, I'd say it's up to her sons to make them.

 

But again, my MIL isn't your average nutbunny.

[Lisbeth]

Oh my. Why coddle this grown woman who is acting like a child? Whatever you feed, grows. Whatever you starve, withers. I would never feed that behavior. Never. You are not the family social secretary. Why doesn't dh handle his mom and you handle yours. It sounfs like mil needs some serious training in how to be an adult, not a child.

[Lisbeth]

Oh, and sweet old ladies don't talk about people behind their backs or throw hissy fits when people don't contact her daily. She just sounds like a two-faced, controlling old woman. Ick!

[ErinE]

If DH sees both sides, then he should be the one making the phone call. Unless you naturally have a close relationship with your MIL, I don't think a daily check-in is warranted. Once a week, you could try to gather the kids and make a call.

[Pawz4me]

I'm not a phone person. I HATE talking on the phone. And my mom is the world's worst person to talk to, because she drones on and on and on about the most minute little things (what time she got up, what time she took a nap, what she had for breakfast/lunch, what the dog had for breakfast/lunch, etc.). I know it's all she's got to talk about, but still.

 

But e-mail? Yes, I could e-mail every day w/o it being very stressful, I think. Unless there's something that's particularly onerous about her e-mails, then I'd probably try to shoot her one a few times a week. I so wish my mom was computer literate!

[Annie]

It's my husband's responsibility to call his mother. I return her calls when she calls me for some reason or another (3 or 4 times a year probably). My DH never calls my mom. Why would I call his? I would just let him know that communicating with his mother is his responsibility and then forget about it. You don't need to spend your time stressing about calling your MIL every day when whatever you do isn't going to be enough anyway. :grouphug:

[Tammyla]

No. Does her phone not dial out or is her computer unable to e-mail?

 

I would resent the manipulation, and ignore the irate e-mails.

 

(Now, I say all this after putting up and bending over backwards for years to keep my mil happy and finally learning that it isn't worth the stress.) I treat her kindly, with respect and lovingly, but with boundaries. The book Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend is/was very helpful.

 

My MIL is a sweet, old lady, but she's the type that expects phone calls/visitors all. the. time. And if you aren't someone who calls her everyday or stops by to see her, she'll talk about how mad she is at you behind your back. :glare:

 

I understand she has nothing better to do with her time than to think about how "neglectful" we all are, but it's getting really annoying. My one SIL just emailed me to tell me she got an irate email from our MIL about how she (the SIL) didn't call her (MIL) after MIL got some sort of shot to help her walk better. Now, SIL didn't think she had to since her DH called his mom. Apparently she was wrong.

 

My SIL got so mad she unfriended our MIL on Facebook. Why, I have no idea, as nothing was said on FB, but that's probably going to be a whole other story someday.

 

I was talking to my DH and he understands both sides, but he asked me if we all know it just takes a phone call or email to keep his mom happy, then why don't we all just do it? I explained to him, and he understands this because he's not perfect, that we all have lives and calling this lady everyday just isn't feasible. DH and I try to call her once a week and do a video chat so she can see us and the grandkids. For us, that's enough. For her, it's not.

 

So, would you call/email more often to keep her happy, or go about your life and contact her as YOU see fit?

[Ewe Mama]

It's my husband's responsibility to call his mother. I return her calls when she calls me for some reason or another (3 or 4 times a year probably). My DH never calls my mom. Why would I call his? I would just let him know that communicating with his mother is his responsibility and then forget about it. You don't need to spend your time stressing about calling your MIL every day when whatever you do isn't going to be enough anyway. :grouphug:

 

 

:iagree:

[Candid]

So does your dh do something with her everyday? And you have to do something everyday as well? Or is it a total package: one something from your family per day? If so, then tell your dh she is his mom and to start doing what needs to be done. He could call her everyday on the way to or from work for instance.

[TXMomof4]

It's my husband's responsibility to call his mother. I return her calls when she calls me for some reason or another (3 or 4 times a year probably). My DH never calls my mom. Why would I call his? I would just let him know that communicating with his mother is his responsibility and then forget about it. You don't need to spend your time stressing about calling your MIL every day when whatever you do isn't going to be enough anyway. :grouphug:

 

:iagree: It is not my responsibility to call dh's parents. They are his parents. I love them, we get along, but he is responsible for making the phone calls. My responsibility is to my kids first, then my family. Just like we split up any other responsibilities.

 

(BTW - My name is Annie too!)

[jujsky]

MIL needs a hobby.

 

I'd go about life, call once or twice a week and call it good. She needs to find happiness within herself, not from external sources. The same is true if you're 7 or 70, IMO.

 

:iagree:As much as you think she's a "sweet old lady" and as much as your DH is arguing that if calling her every day makes her happy, then it's a small price to pay, this is controlling behavior. She is controlling everyone by making these unrealistic expectations. My grandmother does this and it's taken YEARS for my mom to get her to lower a few of her absurdly unrealistic expectations. Keep on with what you're doing. If you want to add an extra calling day or drop her e-mails more frequently, fine, but do it on your own time and I would be totally random about it. If you send her an e-mail every Tuesday, she's going to start expecting one every Tuesday and talk behind your back if you have a busy day and can't get to it or if it slips your mind. Calling and e-mailing work both ways. There's nothing stopping her from picking up the phone and calling you if she wants to talk to you every day. She's pulling this matriarchal BS on you were she expects everyone else to make the effort and gets upset when they don't. A relationship is a two-way street. She needs a reality-check.

[gardenmom5]

since e-mail is an option . . .

 

You can spend 15 minutes to put together a weeks worth of "thinking of you" e-mails, (and silly card, or such) then set it up to send one out per day.

[Impish]

for those suggesting email, a question:

 

What happens when MIL responds, and Bean doesn't get on it right away?

 

I know w/my MIL, that would just be adding a fuel tanker to the fire.

[sourpatchbaby]

Don't feed into it. Like pp have said, if your husband TRULY feels a need for a representative of your family to call his mom every day then he should be the one to do it. Maybe suggest that he calls YOUR mom daily and touch base with her; after all, it won't take but a couple minutes of his time and it will make her tremendously happy.

[Trilliums]

This is how I'm feeling right now. I don't like to be "bullied" into doing something. But I also know I'll miss her when she's gone so I keep telling myself "a phone call/email here and there won't kill you." I just honestly forget to do it then! And like you said, it never seems to be enough so it gets discouraging trying to please her. :glare:

 

My MIL died a few years ago and I do wish I had made more contact with her.

:(

 

She was not like you MIL though. She tended to ignore us for long periods of time and then have sudden bouts of sentimentality. I wish I had sent her pics and updates about the kids more regularly though.

 

If the phone calls tended to stay short,

I would try to call her more frequently, during a certain chore is great! I tend to call my dad while cleaning up the kitchen just because it is convenient. But, I would avoid every single day. She probably never will be totally happy, but I would want to try to do my small part.

[Susan C.]

For those suggesting that dh call her...... he is pushing it off for a reason, and it is probably a good one. He doesn't want to get stuck talking (and talking) so he has the time for his family. I would have almost killed for that... Dh always called his (and wanted to) and they talked for hours and hours and hours every day. I thought the kids were going to grow up thinking the phone was attached to dh ear...

[Candid]

For those suggesting that dh call her...... he is pushing it off for a reason, and it is probably a good one. He doesn't want to get stuck talking (and talking) so he has the time for his family. I would have almost killed for that... Dh always called his (and wanted to) and they talked for hours and hours and hours every day. I thought the kids were going to grow up thinking the phone was attached to dh ear...

 

I'm fine with dh saying this, but he doesn't get to tell his wife she should call his mother then. Same goes for her too.

 

AND I think a quick call on the way home or at lunch could be done. Remember you control when the call ends.

[kalanamak]

 

I was talking to my DH and he understands both sides, but he asked me if we all know it just takes a phone call or email to keep his mom happy, then why don't we all just do it?

 

Tell him to go right ahead.

[Ellie]

Tell him to go right ahead.

:iagree:

[somo_chickenlady]

My MIL is a sweet, old lady, but she's the type that expects phone calls/visitors all. the. time. And if you aren't someone who calls her everyday or stops by to see her, she'll talk about how mad she is at you behind your back. :glare:

 

I understand she has nothing better to do with her time than to think about how "neglectful" we all are, but it's getting really annoying. My one SIL just emailed me to tell me she got an irate email from our MIL about how she (the SIL) didn't call her (MIL) after MIL got some sort of shot to help her walk better. Now, SIL didn't think she had to since her DH called his mom. Apparently she was wrong.

 

My SIL got so mad she unfriended our MIL on Facebook. Why, I have no idea, as nothing was said on FB, but that's probably going to be a whole other story someday.

 

I was talking to my DH and he understands both sides, but he asked me if we all know it just takes a phone call or email to keep his mom happy, then why don't we all just do it? I explained to him, and he understands this because he's not perfect, that we all have lives and calling this lady everyday just isn't feasible. DH and I try to call her once a week and do a video chat so she can see us and the grandkids. For us, that's enough. For her, it's not.

 

So, would you call/email more often to keep her happy, or go about your life and contact her as YOU see fit?

 

You could have written about my own mother...DH's MIL. I unfriended her, my sister, and my father on Facebook. Nothing happened directly on Facebook, but we don't get along and I do not want them to know all of the personal stuff I put on FB. Before I unfriended them, it just gave them another reason/excuse to fight with us. That is why I unfriended them.

 

I have chosen to do our own thing. I'm not going to give in to behavior like that or play those types of games. We actually moved 7 hours away JUST so we do not have to do that on a daily basis without having to be made to feel guilty about it. We do what I bolded.

[1bassoon]

This may be totally off-base. . . . . . .

 

Is this a new development? My husband's grandmother got just like this, and it was the beginning of the onset of her dementia.

 

Take this with a grain of salt, though. Just throwing it out there.

 

Of course, I remember saying to my mom, "Hey, Mom - Grandma is always changing the subject, and she never really even asks how I am or tries to make conversation with me. Is that what happens when you get old?"

 

My mom had to break it to me that she had ALWAYS been that way. :lol:

 

I feel for you.

[HappyLady]

This may be totally off-base. . . . . . .

 

Is this a new development? My husband's grandmother got just like this, and it was the beginning of the onset of her dementia.

 

 

 

No, but I see dementia or Alzheimer's in her near future because of other reasons. :D

 

I think the problem stems from the fact that when she lived in NY (where we are) she literally had people over every day. And on the weekends her house was the "party house" and according to my DH there was a party at their house every weekend growing up. After she and my FIL moved to FL they didn't have all the friends and family around them like they used to and it made both of them unhappy (they moved to FL for health reasons so staying in NY wasn't an option). My DH has one brother (and his family) that live literally around the corner from my ILs and according to my MIL she "never" sees them. Yet, every time I talk to her she just got done eating dinner with them or having a birthday party, etc. And she's always posting pics of all of them hanging out. So I'd say she sees them at least once a week, if not more. But apparently they should be stopping over every day. :glare:

[Impish]

No, but I see dementia or Alzheimer's in her near future because of other reasons. :D

 

I think the problem stems from the fact that when she lived in NY (where we are) she literally had people over every day. And on the weekends her house was the "party house" and according to my DH there was a party at their house every weekend growing up. After she and my FIL moved to FL they didn't have all the friends and family around them like they used to and it made both of them unhappy (they moved to FL for health reasons so staying in NY wasn't an option). My DH has one brother (and his family) that live literally around the corner from my ILs and according to my MIL she "never" sees them. Yet, every time I talk to her she just got done eating dinner with them or having a birthday party, etc. And she's always posting pics of all of them hanging out. So I'd say she sees them at least once a week, if not more. But apparently they should be stopping over every day. :glare:

and this is Wolf's and my nightmare come to life.

 

We're pretty sure MIL is developing Alzheimer's. Probably beyond the 'development' stage, honestly, since I've been suspcious for several yrs now. we've been wanting her to move to our province so we can be closer, visit her, keep an eye out.

 

But I can TOTALLY see her pulling the same carp. If we're not dancing attendance to her daily, all Hades is going to break loose :glare:

[La Texican]

My MIL has started going to an adult day care. *I always imagined those were for people who were kind of "bad off" but not ready for the nursing home. *Nope! *It's a social club. *The bus picks her up in the morning, drops her off in the afternoon. *They craft, play bingo & dominos, eat lunch, have dances, tons of activities and she is so much happier now. *She gives me crafts she makes there-nice ones out of paper mâché & plastic canvass. *She's met the mayor and been on tv at their dances. They take their bus out and shopping together just for fun. *They dress up special for the holidays. I'm not sure how you'd bring the subject up. One of her neighbors invited her.