Are we supposed to not let on to our children that they are obnoxious?

[I.Dup.]

Just wondering.

 

What about when you have a child that is getting increasingly obnoxious as this child ages? Loud, mouthy, doesn't like to shower, always wants attention, makes ridiculous faces, just in general socially awkward. Very bright, nothing wrong mentally, just an attention hog.

 

This child is getting on my nerves more and more and I really can only stand this child's energy for so long before I just need to get away from this child. Which is the last thing this child wants since he/she always wants attention.

 

How can I meet the bottomless pit of neediness from this child without hurting their feelings by letting on that they are just obnoxiously intense?

[abbeyej]

I don't understand why you *wouldn't* be clear with a child when his or her behavior is socially unacceptable or annoying to those around him or her? What favors does that do the child?

 

Sure, you don't want to be *cruel* about it -- but you can say, "Sweetie, you're getting really LOUD. It's hurting my head and making it hard to be around you. Bring the volume down." "Your enthusiasm is great, but when you're bouncing around like this, it's overwhelming, like a giant puppy. Calm down." "Darling, you haven't taken a shower in two days. You may not realize it, but you begin to smell after about a day, just as we all do. Go take a shower." Etc.

 

A gentle and loving (if sometimes unwanted) message from Mom or Dad is a lot less painful in the long run than rejection or mockery of peers. ... Some kids just *need* the rules of social interaction spelled out more explicitly than others. Don't deny them that help!

[Mommy22alyns]

If they're being obnoxious, I tell them so. Is that mean?

[justLisa]

If they're being obnoxious, I tell them so. Is that mean?

 

Nope. I tell my kids to knock it off all the time.

[Impish]

I tell my kids they're being obnoxious. I mean, what's the point in tolerating negative behaviour? It doesn't help their character development.

[Julie Smith]

I know I sometimes? often? tell my kid if you behave in ____ fashion this is how I , or most people in general will most likely react.

 

ie.

If you make rude faces people will think you are rude and not want to spend as much time around you.

 

If you help with the dishes after meals people will think highly of you. Then they will be more likely to invite you over again.

 

I like listening to you when you talk about X.

(Balanced later with, "I don't like listening to you when you just want to talk about poop. I can only handle one poop joke, or story a day without wishing you would chance the subject.)

[JessReplanted]

I don't understand why you *wouldn't* be clear with a child when his or her behavior is socially unacceptable or annoying to those around him or her? What favors does that do the child?

 

Sure, you don't want to be *cruel* about it -- but you can say, "Sweetie, you're getting really LOUD. It's hurting my head and making it hard to be around you. Bring the volume down." "Your enthusiasm is great, but when you're bouncing around like this, it's overwhelming, like a giant puppy. Calm down." "Darling, you haven't taken a shower in two days. You may not realize it, but you begin to smell after about a day, just as we all do. Go take a shower." Etc.

 

A gentle and loving (if sometimes unwanted) message from Mom or Dad is a lot less painful in the long run than rejection or mockery of peers. ... Some kids just *need* the rules of social interaction spelled out more explicitly than others. Don't deny them that help!

 

:iagree:

 

Our kids have heard and understand the words "obnoxious" and "annoying".

 

:lol:

[shanvan]

If they're being obnoxious, I tell them so. Is that mean?

 

If it is, then I am mean!

[lea_lpz]

Have no problem saying that to my dd. I'd rather tell her than have her peers do it and not care for her company.

[OnTheBrink]

If they're being obnoxious, I tell them so. Is that mean?

 

I do it, too. Subtlety is lost on my dd.

[lisamarie]

I do it as well. I ask them questions like, "When you talk like that, it sounds like you are a whiny brat. Is that the impression you want to give others about who you are?" Or "When you lose your temper and throw things or hit someone, at 8, while wrong, it's just a discipline issue, but if you did that when you were 15, you would probably end up going to jail. This is something serious that you need to learn to control through other measures. Lets come up with other options of things you can do when you are angry." Or "Go take a shower. You stink."

 

I do think that it's easy to find fault with our kids over tiny things that aren't a big deal. Just things that annoy us but wouldn't necessarily annoy others. I try to focus on the bigger things that are truly wrong, or very obnoxious, or have the potential to be against the law were it to continue into adulthood.

[JumpyTheFrog]

Some kids will never know they are annoying unless someone points it out repeatedly.

[I.Dup.]

Ok, good. I think I have become too caught up in this "tiptoe around our children's self esteem" thing. But I'm noticing my frustration coming out in other ways when I'd rather just say "CALM DOWN YOU'RE BEING SO ANNOYING" lol

[chickenpatty]

Wow, I have a kid exactly like this!

 

The problem is, he seems to be this way nearly all the time - like it's his personality. So telling him he's being obnoxious really doesn't do much good, especially since you'd be doing it very frequently. Which isn't good. He doesn't get it.

 

But I have hope. My brother was the same exact way when we were kids and he turned out okay. Hang in there & see if your dh can help out with the neediness part. I know my kid's is unending. ((hugs)))

[Forget-Me-Not]

If they're being obnoxious, I tell them so. Is that mean?

 

I would consider it *parenting* :D

[I.Dup.]

Some kids will never know they are annoying unless someone points it out repeatedly.

 

The repeatedly part is what worries me. How many times do I have to point out the negative before they will get it? Will that be all they remember- me harping on them? I am way too neurotic as a parent. :nopity:

[I.Dup.]

I would consider it *parenting* :D

 

:D

[Jpoy85]

If they're being obnoxious, I tell them so. Is that mean?

 

Im mean too then. :tongue_smilie:

[elegantlion]

My ds's new thing is to get in my face and ask, "Am I bothering you" in a weird voice.

 

Yes, he know when he is being obnoxious. Mainly because it is my duty to tell him. At your dc's ages, yes, gentle reminders with a smile are good. If those don't work, blunt reminders are necessary.

[Singingmom]

My ds's new thing is to get in my face and ask, "Am I bothering you" in a weird voice.

 

Yes, he know when he is being obnoxious. Mainly because it is my duty to tell him. At your dc's ages, yes, gentle reminders with a smile are good. If those don't work, blunt reminders are necessary.

 

:iagree:

[marbel]

I tell my kids they're obnoxious whenever I need to.

 

Sometimes if we're out in public and they're getting to me I say something like "you're really getting on my nerves, and I love you. Imagine how you look to the people around us, who don't even know you."

 

I can't imagine feeling like I couldn't tell my kids when they are behaving inappropriately!

[mjselmk]

The repeatedly part is what worries me. How many times do I have to point out the negative before they will get it? Will that be all they remember- me harping on them? I am way too neurotic as a parent. :nopity:

I get it, I have one child that I feel like I am always picking on. While one part of me is concerned that if I don't continually correct the behavior(s) I won't be doing them any favors in their adult life, another just feels mean. Ah, the neurosis of parenthood, eh? I wonder if any parent is ever truly satisfied with the job they are doing?

[Reflections]

The repeatedly part is what worries me. How many times do I have to point out the negative before they will get it? Will that be all they remember- me harping on them? I am way too neurotic as a parent. :nopity:

 

Well, it is sort of like everything else in homeschooling - how many times do we have to go over the addition facts before the dc gets it? Do we just let them get the answers wrong and never correct them ? 3+3=7 ?? Do we only point out what is wrong and not provide the correct solution? Are we worried then that they will only remember the nagging to get it right?

[somo_chickenlady]

I just tell him. "Bring it down a notch, calm down, relax, etc", are all phrases we use in this household, as is "Take a shower, you stink". It is normal, and our job as parents, to tell our children these things. My aunt had to pull the "you stink" comment on my cousin quite often. I would consider it a disservice to my child and others if I did not do these things.

 

DS is very sensitive, so if there are times when he would be embarrassed to be told to calm down, we have a discreet hand signal that conveys that to him without other people knowing about it. Perhaps you could do something like that?

Edited August 29, 2012 by somo_chickenlady

[Ellie]

It is your responsiblity as the mother to help your child develop skills which will help him as an adult. If that includes telling him he must be quiet this very instant or you will hurt him, then so be it. :D

[Tammi K]

I tell my kids they're obnoxious whenever I need to.

 

Sometimes if we're out in public and they're getting to me I say something like "you're really getting on my nerves, and I love you. Imagine how you look to the people around us, who don't even know you."

 

I can't imagine feeling like I couldn't tell my kids when they are behaving inappropriately!

 

The ultimate 'we know we are in big trouble now' thing is when I look at my kids and say, "You are acting like 'other people's kids'!:blink:" If it happens to occur when we are out in public (not often - but it has been know to happen) that comment alone is enough to get them to shape up. The funny thing is I'm not really sure what the ultimate punishment would be - and neither are they - but I think they're too scared to find out. :smilielol5:

[somo_chickenlady]

The repeatedly part is what worries me. How many times do I have to point out the negative before they will get it? Will that be all they remember- me harping on them? I am way too neurotic as a parent. :nopity:

 

Depending on the child, an unlimited amount of times. My son is very socially awkward, and I have to tell him to chill quite often, especially around certain people. He also has really no regard for hygiene, even though he was raised to bathe daily, so we have to tell him over and over again to shower. Same with clothes. He is in charge of doing his own laundry, but he doesn't care if he wears dirty clothes. There have been many days where we have to send him back to his room multiple times before he finds a clean shirt, and we demand he does laundry. I consider this to be part of my job, though, to prepare him for being an adult and living on his own.

[I.Dup.]

It is your responsiblity as the mother to help your child develop skills which will help him as an adult. If that includes telling him he must be quiet this very instant or you will hurt him, then so be it. :D

 

The ultimate 'we know we are in big trouble now' thing is when I look at my kids and say, "You are acting like 'other people's kids'!:blink:" If it happens to occur when we are out in public (not often - but it has been know to happen) that comment alone is enough to get them to shape up. The funny thing is I'm not really sure what the ultimate punishment would be - and neither are they - but I think they're too scared to find out. :smilielol5:

 

LOL!

 

Thank you all. I don't allow my children to act like animals or anything, but I'm just not sure how far to take this when it seems to be just part of their personality. I'm so glad to know I have permission to tell my kids to knock it off and that they are being obnoxious, though. :D

[Alte Veste Academy]

I have no problem with telling my kids when their behavior is obnoxious. That said, I also believe that sometimes kids are attention seeking because they are not getting enough attention. If a child's love language is attention, it will be the goal to get it, negative or positive. You can get into a destructive spiral with these kids. You (general you) don't give kid enough attention, so kid gets obnoxious to get it. You get irritated at the behavior and exhausted correcting the kid and get generally annoyed just in the presence of the kid so kid gets even less attention and kid seeks it out again in an obnoxious way... Very few kids are just going to miraculously turn negative attention seeking behavior into positive attention seeking behavior without warm and sympathetic guidance.

 

Again, I think it is fine to occassionally tell a kid he is being obnoxious, but if he hears that constantly, it will become his identity. I will say that my mom constantly telling me, "You need to fix your attitude problem" had the exact opposite effect from the one she intended. And telling me that almost daily for years? That put more distance between us than she could ever have imagined. I wonder how our relationship would be different now if only she had given any consideration to the genesis of my "attitude problem." Anyway, just wanted to advocate looking for cause and effect.

[I.Dup.]

For example, this child smiles REALLY big and is VERY OVERLY friendly whenever talking to someone not in the family. I have tried telling her how to tone it down, but I'm not sure if that is just making her feel inadequate or something. Is that not worth picking on, or do I just keep pointing it out whenever I notice this happening? It really does seem to be a habit by now. :(

[Osmosis Mom]

Just asked dd 11 if she knew what they used to do with witches in Salem MA....So you can imagine how we feel about her screaming and commandeering everyone around her.

[kristi26]

I have told my children, when they are being loud or all talking at the same time or being whiney, etc, that they are "stressing me out" and that I can't handle all of that (done with hand motions to indicate their annoyingness). :lol: If they are bugging ME and I love them, what are other people thinking as they stand by saying nothing??

 

As for the shower, we just tell them to go take a shower. My favorite moments are those when we ask our 12 YO DS, "when was the last time you had a shower?" And his response is a look at the ceiling and long pause. :smilielol5: :leaving:

Edited August 29, 2012 by kristi26

[Kathryn]

I tell my kids they're being obnoxious. I mean, what's the point in tolerating negative behaviour? It doesn't help their character development.

 

:iagree:

[I.Dup.]

I have no problem with telling my kids when their behavior is obnoxious. That said, I also believe that sometimes kids are attention seeking because they are not getting enough attention. If a child's love language is attention, it will be the goal to get it, negative or positive. You can get into a destructive spiral with these kids. You (general you) don't give kid enough attention, so kid gets obnoxious to get it. You get irritated at the behavior and exhausted correcting the kid and get generally annoyed just in the presence of the kid so kid gets even less attention and kid seeks it out again in an obnoxious way... Very few kids are just going to miraculously turn negative attention seeking behavior into positive attention seeking behavior without warm and sympathetic guidance.

 

Again, I think it is fine to occassionally tell a kid he is being obnoxious, but if he hears that constantly, it will become his identity. I will say that my mom constantly telling me, "You need to fix your attitude problem" had the exact opposite effect from the one she intended. And telling me that almost daily for years? That put more distance between us than she could ever have imagined. I wonder how our relationship would be different now if only she had given any consideration to the genesis of my "attitude problem." Anyway, just wanted to advocate looking for cause and effect.

 

I understand and that is why I go overboard to make sure this child gets enough attention. They are ALWAYS the one that goes out with me, stays up late past the others, etc. But when I say it's a "bottomless need", I mean it. There comes a point when I can only do so much.

[Alte Veste Academy]

I understand and that is why I go overboard to make sure this child gets enough attention. They are ALWAYS the one that goes out with me, stays up late past the others, etc. But when I say it's a "bottomless need", I mean it. There comes a point when I can only do so much.

 

:grouphug: Believe me, I can relate. Hence, the soliloquy. :lol:

[Marianne in TX]

For example, this child smiles REALLY big and is VERY OVERLY friendly whenever talking to someone not in the family. I have tried telling her how to tone it down, but I'm not sure if that is just making her feel inadequate or something. Is that not worth picking on, or do I just keep pointing it out whenever I notice this happening? It really does seem to be a habit by now. :(

 

Aw. I totally understand. I choose my words very carefully with my children. Holding my tongue and thinking about what is happening usually helps me to see the situation from their perspective and find a way to help them.

 

In the particular situation you mention above, I would probably tell her explicitly (but matter-of-fact and gently) the kinds of things that someone might think when she does "x". In our family we also talk often about personal bubbles:001_smile: Have you tried role-playing?...like pretend she's the acquaintance and you are her....and show her the difference between greeting family, close friends, and acquaintances?

[I.Dup.]

Aw. I totally understand. I choose my words very carefully with my children. Holding my tongue and thinking about what is happening usually helps me to see the situation from their perspective and find a way to help them.

 

In the particular situation you mention above, I would probably tell her explicitly (but matter-of-fact and gently) the kinds of things that someone might think when she does "x". In our family we also talk often about personal bubbles:001_smile: Have you tried role-playing?...like pretend she's the acquaintance and you are her....and show her the difference between greeting family, close friends, and acquaintances?

 

Role playing is a good idea. I just never thought I'd have to teach one of my children how to NOT be so friendly, lol.

[JVA]

I don't understand why you *wouldn't* be clear with a child when his or her behavior is socially unacceptable or annoying to those around him or her? What favors does that do the child?

 

. ... Some kids just *need* the rules of social interaction spelled out more explicitly than others. Don't deny them that help!

 

I AGREE !

Parents are the ones that help their kids acclimate to the world. We help them understand how to relate to people. If YOU don't explain to them why their behavior is annoying - and you don't have to use that word- I'm just an old mom, my patience is sometimes short and I'm blunt- then, someone else is going to come along and communicate it to them. It probably won't be pretty and you'll have emotional clean-up to do. BTDT I've seen annoying 12 -13 yr old boys get knocked around at the Scout mtg because they lack a 'filter' and self-control and the older guys don't put up with it. They need to know they are NOT the center of the universe and to put others' ideas and desires ahead of their own. I implore you to be honest with your child. Buffering reality from him doesn't do him any favors in the long run.

[DianeW88]

Oh, yeah. I do it all the time. I've also said, "You're being a brat and it better stop right this instant."

 

When they were in kindy we actually had a class during our homeschool day call "manners". They were taught how to interact with others, how to address adults, how to answer the phone, how to behave in public, how to eat in a restaurant, how to behave with friends, etc. It made a huge difference.

 

It's my job to guide them into socially acceptable behavior...or society will do it for me.

[NittanyJen]

I understand and that is why I go overboard to make sure this child gets enough attention. They are ALWAYS the one that goes out with me, stays up late past the others, etc. But when I say it's a "bottomless need", I mean it. There comes a point when I can only do so much.

 

I agree with the PP who have said that it's okay to tell them to take it down a notch. We homeschoolers often say that socialization is not a problem for our kids, because they are around others so much and oftentimes WE provide the social skills (the actual meaning of socialization) within the family unit. That means that we have to actually do that-- if the kid doesn't have peer pressure and mass kid feedback telling him "You stink because you didn't take a shower" or "your odd noises are not as cool as you seem to think they are" then we do have to step up and take on that task.

 

We also do well to figure out when those behaviors are going to happen before they happen, if at all possible, when it is possible. By about age 10, most boys are of an age when it is appropriate to be told they must take a shower daily, like it or not. Not optional. And warn them: if they still stink when they emerge (or your other spidey senses tell you that they failed to use soap and a washcloth) then they will be sent back in to do it properly. And by 11 (I am being arbitrary here of course; things will follow your child's developmental course) deodorant will start, and not using it will result in having to stop doing something fun to go back and apply it. Even if you have to tell him every.single.day.for.a.year until he gets sick of being interrupted in the middle of an unsaveable video game every time or made to get up in the middle of a train of thought in a book or math problem to do it.

 

This is also an age when if they have been sitting still for much time at all, it is time for a calisthenics break. The energy levels begin to rise, and if not met, they will emerge in really unfortunate ways. Even if you love to talk about being done with school by 9am, forget it. Do 45 minutes of work, or 60, then tell him to get outside and run 2 laps around the yard-- and run, not jog. Or challenge him to a ping-pong match. Or drop for 20 push-ups. Or 30 crunches. Or a quick game of catch. Or up and down the block once on his bike. He can change the sheets on his bed, or vacuum the floor or take out the trash or recycling. Something involving movement, even for just a minute or two.

 

Quick hug (mine, like yours, seems to require a LOT of contact). Do it BEFORE he asks for it, so he knows you are thinking about him. Schedule some group work like reading together and let him snuggle up next to you for it, maybe before or after lunchtime. Then back out to run a lap.

 

Finally, at this age, they do start to need a pal to hang out with, semi-unsupervised so they can be as goofy as they like withOUT anybody ragging on them. Particularly if they have a younger sibling or more. Some "guy time" alone without the younger siblings. Let them rule the back yard, or the basement, or an office or whatever space you can give them for a couple of hours and let them fix their own squabbles and issues. Give them a few snacks to carry off, a warning not to shed blood, and stay out of it while they head off to be pirates Lost Boys or whatever.

 

That's my take.

 

Good luck. I have a "needy" one at 11 as well, and this has been my strategy. I find that if I stay one step ahead, he is pretty pleasant to deal with, and mostly socially acceptable.

[TranquilMind]

Just wondering.

 

What about when you have a child that is getting increasingly obnoxious as this child ages? Loud, mouthy, doesn't like to shower, always wants attention, makes ridiculous faces, just in general socially awkward. Very bright, nothing wrong mentally, just an attention hog.

 

This child is getting on my nerves more and more and I really can only stand this child's energy for so long before I just need to get away from this child. Which is the last thing this child wants since he/she always wants attention.

 

How can I meet the bottomless pit of neediness from this child without hurting their feelings by letting on that they are just obnoxiously intense?

 

No, I think you need to tell this child he is obnoxious and what he needs to do (in a kind way). Better to hear it from Mom, rather than peers.

[Mommyfaithe]

Just wondering.

 

What about when you have a child that is getting increasingly obnoxious as this child ages? Loud, mouthy, doesn't like to shower, always wants attention, makes ridiculous faces, just in general socially awkward. Very bright, nothing wrong mentally, just an attention hog.

 

This child is getting on my nerves more and more and I really can only stand this child's energy for so long before I just need to get away from this child. Which is the last thing this child wants since he/she always wants attention.

 

How can I meet the bottomless pit of neediness from this child without hurting their feelings by letting on that they are just obnoxiously intense?

 

Why on earth would you not tell your kid they are being obnoxious if they are???

I am really serious. If a mom can't tell a kid to knock it off, who can.....and part of our job is to make sure these kids can go out into society and NOT be obnoxious to their wife ( husband) kids, employers, service people etc.

It is perfectly reasonable to say I love you, but I need some space and down time right now. You need to go do something else...and be very quiet. If that doesn't work, said child would be told not so nicely again and given a very difficult chore.

 

It is a parents responsibility to teach a child to behave in a socially acceptable way both at home and outside. If YOU can't stand them ( and I say that as lovingly as possible and as I have btdt with certain kids, I know it can be changed). WHO will want to spend time with them?

[Mommyfaithe]

If it is, then I am mean!

 

Me too.

[Ellie]

LOL!

 

Thank you all. I don't allow my children to act like animals or anything, but I'm just not sure how far to take this when it seems to be just part of their personality. I'm so glad to know I have permission to tell my kids to knock it off and that they are being obnoxious, though. :D

Don't make the mistake of excusing unaccptable behavior with someone's personality. Outgoing, enthusiastic people still need to know when to be less enthusiastic and outgoing, KWIM? :)

[Farrar]

I have no problem with telling my kids when their behavior is obnoxious. That said, I also believe that sometimes kids are attention seeking because they are not getting enough attention. If a child's love language is attention, it will be the goal to get it, negative or positive. You can get into a destructive spiral with these kids. You (general you) don't give kid enough attention, so kid gets obnoxious to get it. You get irritated at the behavior and exhausted correcting the kid and get generally annoyed just in the presence of the kid so kid gets even less attention and kid seeks it out again in an obnoxious way... Very few kids are just going to miraculously turn negative attention seeking behavior into positive attention seeking behavior without warm and sympathetic guidance.

 

Again, I think it is fine to occassionally tell a kid he is being obnoxious, but if he hears that constantly, it will become his identity. I will say that my mom constantly telling me, "You need to fix your attitude problem" had the exact opposite effect from the one she intended. And telling me that almost daily for years? That put more distance between us than she could ever have imagined. I wonder how our relationship would be different now if only she had given any consideration to the genesis of my "attitude problem." Anyway, just wanted to advocate looking for cause and effect.

 

:iagree:

 

Sometimes kids just aren't self-aware. It's our job to be honest with them and let them know how they're being perceived.

 

On the other hand, sometimes kids are young and aren't totally in control of their volume, their bodies, their reactions, etc. I think we all have to take that into account strongly and understand what's appropriate to expect in terms of behavior. And for many things, it's more about working on a gradual change so that an obnoxious 6 yo isn't still doing the same things when she's 10, even if she's still occasionally doing them still at 7, 8, and 9.

 

And I think there's a line between saying, "What you're doing is annoying me/others/everyone in the city," and saying, "You are an annoying person." The first being something I'll say and the second being something I won't.

[jujsky]

When my kids are obnoxious, I tell them straight out. If they smell (one of my kids is wicked stinky!) I tell them. It's better that I tell them they're being obnoxious or smelly instead of letting the behaviors go and sending them out in the world that way. At least they know I love them.

[Munchkins_mama]

This wouldn't by any chance be your 10yo would it? I have decided that 10yos are just a little obnoxious by nature. Stuck somewhere between little kid and teenager and not really sure how to act. I frequently remind her about hygiene and clean clothes because while she wants to look like a teenager, she doesn't want to put in the effort. And the attention hogging is insane. I often have to tell her to take it down a notch or two or send her to her room to read to get her out of my hair for a while.

 

I make sure to let her know I love her and I think she is beautiful all the time, but I don't hesitate to let her know she is being a turd.

[MariannNOVA]

I tell them they are being obnoxious (or however they are conducting themselves) -- I sometimes will ask them if they intend to be obnoxious. And depending on how many nerves i have left, i might initiate a discussion of how they might better express whatever it is they are trying to express without being obnoxious.

 

in my opinion, i am doing them a huge favor.;)