How can i cool down (mentally)?

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I have had it with ds lately.

 

A friend called tonight after i had ds tucked in. She needed someone to talk to because her cousin's husband commited suicide and it is greatly affecting her and her whole family.

 

Ds came down to use the bathroom which is fine and encouraged. However, i only tuck them in one time and always have. After the bathroom he gave me a kiss and decided to sit on the living room chair.

 

I asked friend to hold on for a second and told ds to go back to bed and i would see him in the morning (normal if he gets up after tucking in).

 

He started screaming that he was starving and f this f that. He ATE dinner tonight, and plenty of it, along with watermelon for dessert.

 

I had to get off the phone while my friend was hysterical over a death.

 

I am done. I went for a bike ride and it helped, but i can't leave in the middle of tantrums.

 

His behavior therapist is doing nothing to help us, but i'm not even sure what they're supposed to be doing!

 

I'm thinking of taking August off of all therapies and outside activities.

 

What can i do to keep myself calm when he is going off? Think of an abusive drunk running his mouth, and that's where are.

 

Ps. Thank you very $@#*¥£€ much mr. psychologist who thought ds expressing himself when angry was a good idea (in place of slamming his ladder against his bed).

[justamouse]

:grouphug:

 

I have no idea. Well, yes, I have one idea. Get a new therapist.

 

Question, what happens when you just close the door and let him go at it? He can scream all he wants, but he's not allowed out of his room till he's calm.

 

That's so simplistic sounding and I'm sure you've tried it but what does he do?

[Dolphin]

:grouphug:nothing else, just:grouphug:

[amo_mea_filiis.]

:grouphug:

 

I have no idea. Well, yes, I have one idea. Get a new therapist.

 

Question, what happens when you just close the door and let him go at it? He can scream all he wants, but he's not allowed out of his room till he's calm.

 

That's so simplistic sounding and I'm sure you've tried it but what does he do?

 

He doesn't stay, and the process of putting him back is beyond frustrating.

 

Or he may come out when he thinks he's calm, but something will set him off within a minute.

 

Once in a blue, he'll fall asleep, but wake up mad about the same things!

 

I'm currently looking for someone to hang out tomorrow with dd. I think some separation will help a lot.

[Bang!Zoom!]

Okay, this is going to come way, way out from left field...

 

Is there a way you can set any sort of video system to catch the behavior?

 

It's one thing to hear it from the mom, and one thing to witness it.

 

That can make all the difference in a treatment program.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Okay, this is going to come way, way out from left field...

 

Is there a way you can set any sort of video system to catch the behavior?

 

It's one thing to hear it from the mom, and one thing to witness it.

 

That can make all the difference in a treatment program.

 

He gets P'ed big time when i record him. I will try to set my phone up somewhere, but if i cant, i can at least get good sound.

 

His therapists have all seen some stuff, but it is a but different because he gets embarrassed.

[lauranc]

Here's what I learned with one of my children who has always been ...somewhat difficult...

 

When your son is shouting and cursing, think of him as saying "I need your help" (or something of the sort). It helped me keep calm when I pictured my child saying "help me".

 

Also, I don't believe in encouraging the expression of anger in ways that are violent or destructive (even punching pillows). I think that it draws attention away from what is really going on with the kid. I'm all about 'let's talk about your feelings...' 'let's talk about ways to cope'

 

I tend to think it's important to help kids learn to cope with their strong feelings-- I've always said that anger is just another emotion that is important. It can help you tell when something isn't 'right'.

 

I feel for you..

[MomatHWTK]

I think the agressive tone just brings out the anger response in anyone nearby (or at least it does for me.) I'm trying to learn to respond better myself. I did find this article while researching last night:

http://www.myaspergerschild.com/2010/06/aspergers-tantrums-rage-and-meltdowns.html

 

I just have to keep reminding myself to not engage. :glare:

[sbgrace]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I want to say you've addressed this before but I can't remember....has anyone suggested medication? I was told (with my spectrum son's issues) that sometimes meds can tamp things enough that the child can learn better coping skills. I'm sorry. It sounds beyond horrible.

[justLisa]

My son will act up and eventually be inconsolable late at night if he cannot fall asleep. He gets angry when scared, and doesn't know what to do. We have been working for a while on some night time anxiety issues. Though he does not use bad language. It makes me kinda sad, so I just go lay down with him. I think not letting it get to the out of control is what you need to figure out. It may take more of your time at night for a while.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Meds scare me. He's had allergic reactions to 2 behavior meds, and 1 common asthma med. i hesitate trying more because he's so young. Then if something did work, he'll eventually gain some weight and meds have to be adjusted, or we need to start a combination of meds, etc.

[sbgrace]

Meds scare me. He's had allergic reactions to 2 behavior meds, and 1 common asthma med. i hesitate trying more because he's so young. Then if something did work, he'll eventually gain some weight and meds have to be adjusted, or we need to start a combination of meds, etc.

 

Oh yes, I remember now. :grouphug:

[cin]

Sounds like my daughter, dx anxiety and depression. She is currently on 10 mg prozac and 4 omega capsules/day. She is OFF all artificial colors. Each one of these was a step to get her 'better'. And each has worked well. Combined, we can live with in the same house with her. I kwow we will be upping her prozac soon, in the next year or so because of puberty and mood swings.

 

She is also in counseling, but the counseling did no good until we started her on the medication. It was truly a case of not seeing the forest because of the trees, or something like that...

 

:grouphug:

 

On the up side, your friend heard, so at least somebody knows you're not crazy. Piper holds it together great until we get home. I don't think she's ever acted out in public. My friends all think I'm crazy. ALL kids throw tantrums. I hit my head when I get frustrated, (on the solid wood headboard?) everybody yells at some point when they get mad.....:rolleyes:

[gardenmom5]

does he have any food sensitivities? My son become aggressive if he has nitrates/nitrites. It's amazing the difference, and they are in many things. I know some kids react alot to food color and a few other additivites.

 

My son's aspergers (and other) are predominantly handled by a DAN! blood tests determining deficencies and supplements have also made an enormous difference in how he can handle things.

[Remudamom]

Spank him?

[Unicorn.]

Have you tried valerian root (or passionflower or skullcap) for sleep issues. My dd use to fly into rages like that, for weird reasons too, and we thought she might be ODD. We took her to a neurologist for an AD/HD and possible ODD eval. He figured out that she wasn't reaching REM sleep, and told us to give her valerian root at night. It is like having a new/different child.

[swellmomma]

Okay so son came down went potty and sat. You wanted him back in bed. I get that normally you do not retuck them in but I can't help but think the whole thing could have been avoided if you had put your friend on hold and taken him by the hand back to bed and said goodnight again. You don't have to go through the whole tuck in routine, but a simple pulling up of the covers, with a kiss on the forehead and a "back to sleep buddy" could have had you back on the phone to help support your friend in less than 5 minutes instead of massive meltdown and no support for your friend.

 

You are frustrated with your ds which I get, but it's not his fault that person committed suicide. He prevented you from supporting your friend but it was while having a meltdown that was indicating he needed something. As for him being hungry, given his feeding issues even if he did eat supper he very well may have been feeling peckish. Why not a slice of peanut butter bread, or a peice of cheese and a big glass of water. If my kid had issues putting on weight and had feeding issues, I would be running to him with food everytime he indicated he was hungry. Heck it is common for kids to have a growth spurt and actually be hungry like that. Watermelon does not leave you feeling full for long. A bit of protein would have left him feeling full till morning.

 

In this case yes the meltdown is frustrating, but I actually think that it was 100% preventable by taking a few extra minutes to focus on your son and not the friend. Being a good friend is important and it sounds like your friend needed support, but as a mother you have to tend to the kids first and teh friends second.

[Katy]

I'm not familiar with his history, does he also have GI issues?

 

What are your usual methods for disciplining meltdowns?

[Katy]

I have a nephew on the spectrum, but I really don't know what to tell you without a little more information. It's possible he really was hungry. If he has GI issues it might be likely. It's also possible he had a little anxiety about something and didn't know what to do about it. If he's very high functioning it's possible his meltdowns are partially spoiled brat behavior similar to a toddler having a tantrum. Can he express frustration without melting down? Does he only melt down when he can't have everything his way? Does he instantly get your attention in a way he wouldn't without a melt down?

 

If he's melting down to get attention, the answer to that is to rationally tell him (in the morning, after you're both calm and have slept) that he is too old for this, and meltdowns will not be tolerated. He may have them in his room if he wants, but not to come out until he can speak calmly. And then, no matter how much he fusses I would state once "Go to your room if you are going to have a tantrum." After that I would just point in the direction of the door. I would not follow him. I would not talk to him in his room. I would let him hide out until he decided to calm down. When he did calm down and come out I would praise praise praise and reward that, and give him a lot of positive attention.

 

That's all very general advice though. I'm sure that once you are calm enough to ask yourself what to do, your intuition already knows. You just need the confidence to know that your best instincts are right and the gumption to stick to whatever you decide, even though once you set a new boundary for him things will probably get worse while he tests those boundaries.

[SonshineLearner]

I have NO criticism for you!!! (hugs!!) I'm just gonna tell you that parenting even kids without extra issues is hard. I know you have extra extra issues to deal with. For us, I'm doing meds with my son. They've been a miracle for us. He had previously had a couple meltdowns as well as a couple of times after he started (First started) his meds. We talked to him about how he could handle what was happening before hand.

He ALWAYS has to have a snack before bedtime. His "go to" snack is Nutella (or the organic when I have it) with freshly ground Hemp seed. The english muffin I spread it on (Rudy's organic) has 5 grams of protein, the Nutella 3 grams and the 3 TBS ground hemp....11grams!! So all together 19 grams!

(Sometimes protein helps level people out... don't know if it'd help...)

So sorry you're dealing with this. In a kid that had no issues, I'd do some punitive measure. BUT, I'm not sure that's something that would help here... :(

So sorry :( I hope something clicks......

:)

[8circles]

Okay so son came down went potty and sat. You wanted him back in bed. I get that normally you do not retuck them in but I can't help but think the whole thing could have been avoided if you had put your friend on hold and taken him by the hand back to bed and said goodnight again. You don't have to go through the whole tuck in routine, but a simple pulling up of the covers, with a kiss on the forehead and a "back to sleep buddy" could have had you back on the phone to help support your friend in less than 5 minutes instead of massive meltdown and no support for your friend.

 

You are frustrated with your ds which I get, but it's not his fault that person committed suicide. He prevented you from supporting your friend but it was while having a meltdown that was indicating he needed something. As for him being hungry, given his feeding issues even if he did eat supper he very well may have been feeling peckish. Why not a slice of peanut butter bread, or a peice of cheese and a big glass of water. If my kid had issues putting on weight and had feeding issues, I would be running to him with food everytime he indicated he was hungry. Heck it is common for kids to have a growth spurt and actually be hungry like that. Watermelon does not leave you feeling full for long. A bit of protein would have left him feeling full till morning.

 

In this case yes the meltdown is frustrating, but I actually think that it was 100% preventable by taking a few extra minutes to focus on your son and not the friend. Being a good friend is important and it sounds like your friend needed support, but as a mother you have to tend to the kids first and teh friends second.

:iagree:

I don't remember what your sons dx is so I realize my opinion may be worthless. But I have a son who can behave this way & he has no dx - he's just your average 7yo boy. I think you need to try to figure it what he needs in those moments instead of trying to correct/discipline. I think your expectations for him are too high. A friend of mnemonics once told me that I needed to parent the child that I had instead of the child I wished he would be. That thought has had a huge impact (for the better) on my parenting.

[Little Nyssa]

:grouphug:

[Night Elf]

My son had meltdowns that stopped around your son's age. When things got that far, there simply was no reasoning with him. He was just too caught up in emotions and was unable to think coherently, let alone reasonably. I let him scream in his room, but there were occasions where I had to sit on the floor and hold him tightly. I learned to brush his skin lightly with my finger tips, and that was what would calm him down. He's 16 now, and he still likes the 'ghost fingers' because it's very calming. I wish you could find something like that for your son.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: It is so not easy.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Here's what I learned with one of my children who has always been ...somewhat difficult...

 

When your son is shouting and cursing, think of him as saying "I need your help" (or something of the sort). It helped me keep calm when I pictured my child saying "help me".

 

Also, I don't believe in encouraging the expression of anger in ways that are violent or destructive (even punching pillows). I think that it draws attention away from what is really going on with the kid. I'm all about 'let's talk about your feelings...' 'let's talk about ways to cope'

 

I tend to think it's important to help kids learn to cope with their strong feelings-- I've always said that anger is just another emotion that is important. It can help you tell when something isn't 'right'.

 

I feel for you..

 

I will try this today, thank you!

 

On the up side, your friend heard, so at least somebody knows you're not crazy. Piper holds it together great until we get home. I don't think she's ever acted out in public. My friends all think I'm crazy. ALL kids throw tantrums. I hit my head when I get frustrated, (on the solid wood headboard?) everybody yells at some point when they get mad.....:rolleyes:

 

Sometimes I wish it only happened at home. :glare:

 

Spank him?

 

I need to learn how to stay more level headed in the face of his increasing carp. I'm not sure hitting will help. I will say that I have spanked him and it doesn't phase him.

 

Have you tried valerian root (or passionflower or skullcap) for sleep issues. My dd use to fly into rages like that, for weird reasons too, and we thought she might be ODD. We took her to a neurologist for an AD/HD and possible ODD eval. He figured out that she wasn't reaching REM sleep, and told us to give her valerian root at night. It is like having a new/different child.

 

He had multiple sleep disorders, but not according to his last study. The only thing it showed was fragmentation, but I can't find a neurologist to answer whether or not it's in the range of normal. He normally has no problems going to bed.

 

Okay so son came down went potty and sat. You wanted him back in bed. I get that normally you do not retuck them in but I can't help but think the whole thing could have been avoided if you had put your friend on hold and taken him by the hand back to bed and said goodnight again. You don't have to go through the whole tuck in routine, but a simple pulling up of the covers, with a kiss on the forehead and a "back to sleep buddy" could have had you back on the phone to help support your friend in less than 5 minutes instead of massive meltdown and no support for your friend.

 

You are frustrated with your ds which I get, but it's not his fault that person committed suicide. He prevented you from supporting your friend but it was while having a meltdown that was indicating he needed something. As for him being hungry, given his feeding issues even if he did eat supper he very well may have been feeling peckish. Why not a slice of peanut butter bread, or a peice of cheese and a big glass of water. If my kid had issues putting on weight and had feeding issues, I would be running to him with food everytime he indicated he was hungry. Heck it is common for kids to have a growth spurt and actually be hungry like that. Watermelon does not leave you feeling full for long. A bit of protein would have left him feeling full till morning.

 

In this case yes the meltdown is frustrating, but I actually think that it was 100% preventable by taking a few extra minutes to focus on your son and not the friend. Being a good friend is important and it sounds like your friend needed support, but as a mother you have to tend to the kids first and teh friends second.

 

I do agree with you, but last night was just the tip of the day. I noticed my reactions getting stronger, and I know he's feeding off that.

 

I made him quinoa cereal (used a baby food recipe) that he's been eating daily. His Dr will not address the food and I'm doing what I can until the feeding eval (which is only an eval, not a cure).

 

He has not lost any weight. No dyes or gluten. I can't do an elimination diet right now because he doesn't have enough variety.

 

The whole food thing goes back and forth. If I did just get off and offer him food, he just screams that we have nothing. He had pasta with meat sauce and loves the meat, so had seconds of that. Dinner was at 4:30, bed by 6:00, so it wasn't like we ate and he went to bed 5+ hours later.

 

It really isn't about last night's incident. I have to take a few :chillpill: and nothing has been working *for me*.

 

Every single time his behaviors increase, dd and I have adapted. I don't think I've ever managed to get him back to a level place.

[lauranc]

So (trying to understand) does your son have a specific diagnosis? It sounds like he does not-- and that he has difficult behavior that you're trying to figure out how to cope with. (and maybe get a diagnosis for) Is that right?

 

Have you seen the book Raising Your Spirited Child? http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Your-Spirited-Child-Perceptive/dp/0060923288 It completely transformed my relationship with my ...difficult... child.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

He's as diagnosed as we're going to get. Autism, unless the neuropsych has anything different to offer.

 

I think I have read that one, but will get it from the library again.

 

I've done the total transformation, honey I wrecked the kids, 1-2-3 magic, and some others. I learned something from all of them, but none helped me with him.

[Nestof3]

I need to learn how to stay more level headed in the face of his increasing carp. I'm not sure hitting will help. I will say that I have spanked him and it doesn't phase him.

 

If your son is like mine (and people who don't have a child like this really have no idea how different it is from a typical child), spanking will only make it into a horrific stretch of hell.

 

I've got to run, but I'll be back. I wish my son were an adult now and I could tell you how he turned out with all that I am doing with him, LOL, but we will still have to wait and see as he's only 11.

[swellmomma]

He's as diagnosed as we're going to get. Autism, unless the neuropsych has anything different to offer.

 

I think I have read that one, but will get it from the library again.

 

I've done the total transformation, honey I wrecked the kids, 1-2-3 magic, and some others. I learned something from all of them, but none helped me with him.

 

I thought he was diagnosed with CP, sleep disorder etc I knew your dd was Dx aspergers but I recall your son having a long list of Dx not just autism. Or is that a new development recently that they combined it all into 1 Dx?

 

As well bedtime at 6pm wow, what time was it when he came down stairs? Sounds like maybe his body treated bedtime as a nap and he simply wasn't feeling sleepy enough yet, in which case a snack, a tuck in and perhaps a book to look at would have diffused the situation before it became a meltdown.

 

Those books you listed are great for neurotypical kids but when it comes to spectrum the only thing I have found them good for is wiping your arse. You have to get creative, yes you end up adapting more than him but that is the nature of the beast. If he is spectrum he is not being bad intentionally, he simply can not contain his frustrations etc. You have to guide him through it so he learns the coping skills needed. Neurotypical kids get put in their room during a tantrum until they calm down and they learn that it won't get them anywhere, meltdowns though instead of learning it doesn't work, they instead embrace the fear and such that accompanies it. They honestly can not stop. A spanking, or simply putting in a room isn't enough you have to work him through it. And more than that youhave to learn the triggers so he can learn the triggers and stop it before it starts.

 

It is a work in progress for sure but it does get better, honestly it does.

Edited July 20, 2012 by swellmomma

[Guest submarines]

Here's what I learned with one of my children who has always been ...somewhat difficult...

 

When your son is shouting and cursing, think of him as saying "I need your help" (or something of the sort). It helped me keep calm when I pictured my child saying "help me".

 

Also, I don't believe in encouraging the expression of anger in ways that are violent or destructive (even punching pillows). I think that it draws attention away from what is really going on with the kid. I'm all about 'let's talk about your feelings...' 'let's talk about ways to cope'

 

I tend to think it's important to help kids learn to cope with their strong feelings-- I've always said that anger is just another emotion that is important. It can help you tell when something isn't 'right'.

 

I feel for you..

 

:iagree:

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I thought he was diagnosed with CP, sleep disorder etc I knew your dd was Dx aspergers but I recall your son having a long list of Dx not just autism. Or is that a new development recently that they combined it all into 1 Dx? ASD, PDD-NOS, etc., has always been said, but never really fit. Genetics came back with nothing abnormal, and his MRI is fairly normal (low cerebellum) so the geneticist thinks "just" autism. The left sided weakness and his lower body tightness was able to be worked out with a really good PT. If it comes back, CP is more likely. If it doesn't come back, ASD can explain it all. It's confusing, but not, if that makes any sense. His last sleep study showed no more disorders, except 74 spontaneous arousals (which could be in the range of normal, but I don't know). It showed a fairly normal cycling between sleep stages, and a decent amount of REM sleep.

 

As well bedtime at 6pm wow, what time was it when he came down stairs? Sounds like maybe his body treated bedtime as a nap and he simply wasn't feeling sleepy enough yet, in which case a snack, a tuck in and perhaps a book to look at would have diffused the situation before it became a meltdown. He came down at about 6:15. We did bath, sensory dry (squeeze with towel and call it drying), book, cuddle, tuck in, all normal for him. I know I should have handled last night differently, I'm just exhausted. The sleeping between 6-7pm and STAYING in bed until 7am is why I'm still slightly sane! He jokes that when he's an adult he's going to stay up really, really, really late "you know, like 10:00!"

 

Those books you listed are great for neurotypical kids but when it comes to spectrum the only thing I have found them good for is wiping your arse. You have to get creative, yes you end up adapting more than him but that is the nature of the beast. If he is spectrum he is not being bad intentionally, he simply can not contain his frustrations etc. You have to guide him through it so he learns the coping skills needed. Neurotypical kids get put in their room during a tantrum until they calm down and they learn that it won't get them anywhere, meltdowns though instead of learning it doesn't work, they instead embrace the fear and such that accompanies it. They honestly can not stop. A spanking, or simply putting in a room isn't enough you have to work him through it. And more than that youhave to learn the triggers so he can learn the triggers and stop it before it starts. Thank you for the bold. Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy when I work through a program and get close to nothing out of it.

 

There were 2 times something drastically changed, and I don't think it was good. The first was the psychologist that helped me target his aggression towards dd. That decreased, but the verbal aggression increased. At the time, it was ok, he was using words and not attacking dd. It's backfired now.

 

The 2nd was when the behavior therapist 2 years ago started. He used to come to me when upset and hit or pinch (NOT aggressively towards me, but out of frustration) and I would hold/restrain him until he calmed down. Well the therapist thought he should go to time out instead of being restrained, but looking back, I think that made everything worse. I would hold him until he was calm and he would hug me and talk about what happened. It wasn't a long intellectual conversation or anything, but it was enough. So while the therapist insisted I stop restraining, she never really helped me to teach him coping skills. I was his method of coping. I don't know how to go back to this.

 

It is a work in progress for sure but it does get better, honestly it does.

 

Are you sure it gets better?! I've heard this for a loooooooong time and am still waiting.

 

I called MH/MR about some respite, and left a message with autism services.

 

Usually I get fed up, toss all services, do things MY WAY, and get back to a normal. However, we always come back to this place, so this time I'm going to try working through whatever "this" is, with the therapists.

[LittleIzumi]

He's as diagnosed as we're going to get. Autism, unless the neuropsych has anything different to offer.

 

I think I have read that one, but will get it from the library again.

 

I've done the total transformation, honey I wrecked the kids, 1-2-3 magic, and some others. I learned something from all of them, but none helped me with him.

 

Does he have sensory issues/a sensory diet? I don't have experience with autism but I do with the SPD side of it, and helping that tends to help everything else a little. :grouphug:

[swellmomma]

Are you sure it gets better?! I've heard this for a loooooooong time and am still waiting.

 

I called MH/MR about some respite, and left a message with autism services.

 

Usually I get fed up, toss all services, do things MY WAY, and get back to a normal. However, we always come back to this place, so this time I'm going to try working through whatever "this" is, with the therapists.

 

My ds is turning 14, I don't have all the answers, we still have more bad days than I care to think of BUT he has improved a great deal. I look at my dd turning 5 and think back to how bad it was when ds was that little. The fact I had to put him intoa children's mental ward at 5 yrs old and he spent his 6th birthday there.

 

I have fought for a proper Dx and treatment for him his whole life and most times end up hitting a brick wall. I have made a TON of mistakes along the way trying to find what works for him but in the end he is improving. As he is getting bigger I have more hope about his future and my sanity.

 

It is not an over night thing. And it is not a linear thing. For us we will have a bout of really good and cycle back to the horrific but the good cycle are getting longer and the horrific shorter. That is not to say each day is peachy. Our good days are what most people would call bad. It's all about perspective.

 

The key thing that I still struggle with is releasing the image I had of who my son would be, and just let him be warts and all kwim

[Lisa in Jax]

Meds scare me. He's had allergic reactions to 2 behavior meds, and 1 common asthma med. i hesitate trying more because he's so young. Then if something did work, he'll eventually gain some weight and meds have to be adjusted, or we need to start a combination of meds, etc.

 

I'm not in exactly the same situation, but I've been in a similar one. My son, adopted from India, was spectrum-y when he ate gluten/dairy (he's now GFCF). At your son's age, he had a hair trigger temper. If he thought things weren't going the way he wanted, he'd melt down -- sometimes for HOURS.

 

IMHO, it's fine to tell your ds, "Son, your outburst last night drained my energy. I love you, but I'd like for you to think of some things to help me 'fill my tank'." Let him come up with his own ideas, if possible. It might be a back rub, or doing some extra chores, or just finding something quiet to do to let you recharge your batteries, but let him do something nice for you. This isn't about shaming him; it's about letting him know that his behavior affects others, and that he can (and should) try to make amends for his problematic behavior after he has calmed down.

 

In terms of his meltdowns, can you practice small annoyances so he gets better handling disappointment or not getting his way? It helped DS. We began making a light-hearted game of teaching him to deal with "NOs." I'd say, "Son, let's pretend you want to wear a frilly head band. Ask me if you can have a pretty hairband. I'm going to say, 'No,' and you're going to be show me how you can deal with a 'no" and not get mad." Okay, GO.

 

We did thousands of these over time. We started by saying "no" to things he really didn't want (a headband, watching a babyish cartoon, his least favorite food, etc.), then, over time, practiced things he did want, at a time when he wasn't actually asking. Eventually, he did better when he really *was* asking, but was told, "No."

 

We also practiced "strong sitting." This meant that he sat on a pillow on the floor, cross-legged, hands on his knees, looking at something boring (at first, the wall, later, he was able to do this w/o being distracted, so he didn't have to be facing the wall), not slouching -- just being physically and mentally calm. He was rewarded if he could sit quietly w/o complaining or fidgeting too much for one minute per year of age.

 

The idea was to practice calm behavior for short periods of time. When he could easily "strong sit" when he was calm, we began to practice having him "strong sit" when he was beginning to wind up behaviorally, so he learned that he could "strong sit" and be calm(er) even when he didn't WANT to be calm.

 

 

It takes a long time, but it helped our son, and it might help yours. We practiced calm body language/behavior when he was *already* calm for a long time before he could use the skills to get calm(er) when he was winding up. We practiced learning to deal with "no," when he didn't really care about the item being told "No," and eventually he got better at dealing with "No" when he wanted the item/activity. We practiced using calm, respectful words *even when he was angry* until he do it more easily.

 

One other thing: if he can change his behavior when he's embarrassed, he has some control over his behavior. Point this out to him. Let him know that he *is* able to control (some of) his behavior, and that you just want him to get better at controlling himself. He needs to make the mental "muscles" for choosing to control his behavior stronger. To get stronger, you practice.

 

I know you're not a med person (and neither am I), but have you done any supplements? We found that some things helped a lot -- zinc picolinate helped with impulse control and irritability, Essential Fatty Acids ("fish oil") and probiotics helped with overall behavior, too. Finally, epsom salts helped a great deal with calm behavior, too. By soaking up the magnesium in epsom salts in his nightly bath, he slept better, was calmer during the daytime, and seemed to be better able to handle change, etc.

 

HIH,

 

Lisa

 

P.S. I know none of this was helpful in terms of helping *you* with your feelings, but in my experience (YMMV), until we got ds's behavior under control, my frustration, etc., were a predictable reaction the situation. IMHO, it's normal to feel sad/angry/frustrated when dealing with this kind of behavior challenges. Reframing for yourself (if you can) will help, but it won't solve the underlying problem. Helping your ds cope better with his frustrations is the only solution.

Edited July 20, 2012 by Lisa in Jax

[jenbrdsly]

:grouphug:

 

This idea did not work for us, but I thought I'd share it in case anyone on this tread has better luck. The idea is to take masking tape and make a labyrinth in your backyard or garage. Then when anyone in your family needs to calm down, they walk the labyrinth.

 

[Remudamom]

Spanking is not hitting.

[lauranc]

 

Those books you listed are great for neurotypical kids but when it comes to spectrum the only thing I have found them good for is wiping your arse.

 

 

I'm glad you said this. I was thinking about the book that I suggested: Raising Your Spirited Child then wondered if her child had autism... and was curious if that kind of book would even be useful in that situation.

 

I don't have a kid with autism, but I figured the typical 'child raising' books out there would not be as helpful to someone raising a kid with autism... and your comment sort of answered the question for me! So, thanks. :001_smile:

[swellmomma]

I'm glad you said this. I was thinking about the book that I suggested: Raising Your Spirited Child then wondered if her child had autism... and was curious if that kind of book would even be useful in that situation.

 

I don't have a kid with autism, but I figured the typical 'child raising' books out there would not be as helpful to someone raising a kid with autism... and your comment sort of answered the question for me! So, thanks. :001_smile:

 

 

glad to be of service lol I have a ton of parenting books on my shelf, they have great ideas but with kids like these you can not follow the book. Read the spirited child one, it is very good, just don't cling to it like a holy grail that will fix the situation kwim

 

One that has been good for me is creative correction. It has some suggestions that I would never use but the biggest benefit is seeing ways to think outside the box. It is easy to get into the mindset of punish the bad, that didn't work so punish harder, longer...find their currency and then rip it away etc. As we know raising these kids that backfired more often than not. Creative correction helped me find things that work without getting stuck in the crush their will cycle.

[Nestof3]

Spanking is not hitting.

 

We all know many people consider them the same. Many parents think that they can find alternate ways to deal with behavior that take more thought and creativity.

 

For easily agitated kids, it can be one of the worse things you do because it is hitting to them, and it can be the first thing they think of doing when agitated.

[Nestof3]

That book has done wonders for me (and my son) but mainly me. It gave me a different outlook. I stopped trying to make my son a different child but learned ways to teach him to have better control over his emotions. It gave me small things to do to help him transition, to help calm him. I felt like someone finally understood what it's like to raise a child like this. My other two are completely different, and I too probably would have sat on the sidelines with my skepticism thinking traditional methods were the best had my youngest not come along.

 

I'm glad you said this. I was thinking about the book that I suggested: Raising Your Spirited Child then wondered if her child had autism... and was curious if that kind of book would even be useful in that situation.

 

I don't have a kid with autism, but I figured the typical 'child raising' books out there would not be as helpful to someone raising a kid with autism... and your comment sort of answered the question for me! So, thanks. :001_smile:

[fairfarmhand]

We all know many people consider them the same. Many parents think that they can find alternate ways to deal with behavior that take more thought and creativity.

 

For easily agitated kids, it can be one of the worse things you do because it is hitting to them, and it can be the first thing they think of doing when agitated.

thank you for this answer. I do spank my children when needed (not very often) but many people believe that it is the key to amazing happy, perfect children in all situations. That is too simplistic. For some kids, it simply ramps up the emotion, rather than calming them down.

[lauranc]

That book has done wonders for me (and my son) but mainly me. It gave me a different outlook. I stopped trying to make my son a different child but learned ways to teach him to have better control over his emotions. It gave me small things to do to help him transition, to help calm him. I felt like someone finally understood what it's like to raise a child like this. My other two are completely different, and I too probably would have sat on the sidelines with my skepticism thinking traditional methods were the best had my youngest not come along.

 

Yeah.. the book completely transformed my relationship with my oldest. I discovered it when he was about 5 or 6---

[prairiewindmomma]

Are you getting some time out for you?

 

Honestly, what I hear from your post is that you're tired. Tired and frustrated and in need of a recharge.

 

You may never be able to get things to a "happy place" with ds....but you can work on figuring out what you need in order to stay healthy mentally while parenting him.

 

One of the really challenging things about homeschooling a sn child is that you don't get a break....not the way that public school parents get one.

 

I'd also look and see if he's getting ready to go through a growth spurt. The age he's at now was a really rough one for us (and we're going through another rough one as my ds enters puberty).

 

Finally, try starting the bedtime routine at 7:00pm as well--more time in the bedroom when he's awake = more problems at our house. My ds may only sleep a few hours a night, but he's still required to be in his bedroom from 9pm to 7 am. Asking for 13 hours from a younger aspie is a LONG time if he's not actually sleeping. It sounds counterintuitive, like you'll have less time to yourself, but the interruptions are fewer, ime.

 

AFA being on the phone goes, it's a boundary here that I try to keep. I ask for 15 minutes of phone time. When ds was younger, I set a timer. He could rant all he wanted, but there were times when I needed to be on the phone, iykwim. Most of the people I talked with knew of the dynamics with ds, so a little chaos in the background wasn't that unusual.