What do you do when you are feeling trapped?

[I.Dup.]

PM's are fine.

 

I am at a point in my life when I am feeling very trapped and panicky. I love my children and have sacrificed everything for them (gave up my schooling and any chance of a career when I got pregnant unexpectedly in college, continue to give up my free time now to homeschool them, etc) and will continue to do so. They are the greatest blessing in my life.

 

My issues now, I think, are with my marriage and my spirituality. Things seem to be getting harder, not easier, in these areas as I get older. I am assuming this is due to some kind of selfishness or irresponsibility on my part.

 

I am just wondering how to get past this, or through this.

[Avila]

Adoration. Regular confession. Prayer.

 

It doesn't make things "better," but it gives me the grace to deal with them day by day.

 

:grouphug:

[Catwoman]

My issues now, I think, are with my marriage and my spirituality. Things seem to be getting harder, not easier, in these areas as I get older. I am assuming this is due to some kind of selfishness or irresponsibility on my part.

 

I am just wondering how to get past this, or through this.

 

I think the first thing you need to do is stop blaming yourself. You're probably neither selfish nor irresponsible -- and when it comes to your marriage, it takes two people to make it work, so don't even think about taking all of the blame for your problems, as I can guarantee you that you're not completely at fault.

 

Have you considered going back and completing your college degree? You could do it online and still have time to homeschool your dc. It might be a good way for you to get some of your self-esteem back, and having a goal that's just for you might cheer you up.

 

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time, but you sound like such a nice person that I hate to see you being so hard on yourself.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Guest submarines]

:grouphug:

[Chelli]

PM's are fine.

 

I am at a point in my life when I am feeling very trapped and panicky. I love my children and have sacrificed everything for them (gave up my schooling and any chance of a career when I got pregnant unexpectedly in college, continue to give up my free time now to homeschool them, etc) and will continue to do so. They are the greatest blessing in my life.

 

My issues now, I think, are with my marriage and my spirituality. Things seem to be getting harder, not easier, in these areas as I get older. I am assuming this is due to some kind of selfishness or irresponsibility on my part.

 

I am just wondering how to get past this, or through this.

 

First of all, :grouphug:.

 

The bolded above is NOT true. Questioning things is part of growing up, getting older. At some point we all take off the rose-colored glasses when it comes to marriage. Sometimes when you take them off you realize it's not a great one because of huge probelms and things must change; sometimes you realize he drives you nuts on occasion, but the problems are generally small and can be worked through.

 

I'm a firm believer in questioning all things spiritual. It is how we grow in our faith. God expects us to do that. Where your questioning leads you...that is your story to write.

 

:grouphug: again.

[I.Dup.]

Thank you all for the kind words. I have made a lot of mistakes, but I tend to take responsibility for them (and beat myself up for them for years after) so I'll be the first to admit I have made mistakes.

 

I have not thought about doing online schooling. What are some degrees that can be earned online that will transfer well to a decent paying job? The only thing I have considered going back to school for is nursing, and that's not the best choice for me anymore. I'm not sure of any other fields where I can actually make decent money and earn a degree online.

[Coffeetime]

You sound a lot like me.

Look, we even have almost the same # of kids!

I think I like you. :D

 

I don't know what to say except that I am going through the exact same thing. :grouphug:

[I.Dup.]

You sound a lot like me.

Look, we even have almost the same # of kids!

I think I like you. :D

 

I don't know what to say except that I am going through the exact same thing. :grouphug:

 

And we live in the same area :) I see you're in the NW, I am too.

[Liz CA]

And we live in the same area :) I see you're in the NW, I am too.

 

I think at certain stages in life, we struggle with different things. It is probably God's way to mature us and take us to the next step.

Perhaps you and "Coffeetime" can meet. Sometimes we need to get away and talk to another adult. Just that hour or two can be reviving.

[Oakblossoms]

Do you mind sharing your age?

 

You didn't give up anything to have your kids or stay at home. You stay at home and hopefully you believe that is the best path for now.

 

Do you watch a lot tv or spend a lot of time online? Both of those start to make me feel less than when I am already down. TV especially follows along some really unhealthy stereotypes of what one should do and how important success is.

 

I have noticed your posts and you seem awesome to me. But, maybe it is because I am a PNW mama.

[Azalea19]

No answers, but big hugs:grouphug:. I have had these same feeling before, too. Just signed up to finish my degree online in the Fall. Hoping that will give me back some confidence & a little of my own identity. Feel guilty even saying that, cause my family is everything to me. :001_smile: Best wishes.

Edited July 10, 2012 by Azalea19

[I.Dup.]

Do you mind sharing your age?

 

 

 

I just turned 30. Seems too young to be dealing with a mid-life crisis, no? :confused:

[Aelwydd]

P

My issues now, I think, are with my marriage and my spirituality. Things seem to be getting harder, not easier, in these areas as I get older. I am assuming this is due to some kind of selfishness or irresponsibility on my part.

 

I am just wondering how to get past this, or through this.

 

 

My advice: acknowledge your yearnings, and stop labeling them as "selfishness." You have denied and given up huge portions of yourself, for your family and your children. These are admirable sacrifices, but your love for your family does not nullify the parts of yourself that are underused, ignored, lying fallow.

 

Stop believing the lie that what you are is based upon how much you can cut out of your own person, and still be left breathing.

[Oakblossoms]

Nope that is when I felt nutso.

 

Have you ever paid attention to negative self talk? It is when you hear stuff like...I am a sucky homeschool mom, I wish I was a better wife, I should have finished college, I am wasting my brains being home, my husband would like me better if I lost10lbs.

 

If you can start to catch those and write them down in a journal. Journal about the if you enjoy writing. Then come up with something to replace them.

[I.Dup.]

Stop believing the lie that what you are is based upon how much you can cut out of your own person, and still be left breathing.

 

Wow. I will have to ponder this.

 

Nope that is when I felt nutso.

 

Have you ever paid attention to negative self talk? It is when you hear stuff like...I am a sucky homeschool mom, I wish I was a better wife, I should have finished college, I am wasting my brains being home, my husband would like me better if I lost10lbs.

 

If you can start to catch those and write them down in a journal. Journal about the if you enjoy writing. Then come up with something to replace them.

 

I do a lot of negative self-talk. I think it's part of what I've always considered religion to be...less of me, more of Christ. That kind of thing. I am still very confused spiritually. I do not watch much TV but I am online quite a bit.

[Oakblossoms]

Well, as a Christian please know that you are loved and you deserve Grace:grouphug:

[Trilliums]

:grouphug:

Actually, maybe you aren't being "selfish" enough. I do not literally mean selfish though. I mean allotting adequate time for you to pursue interests and activities that bring you a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction.

 

If you can use college credit hours you have already accumulated to work towards a degree, it might be worthwhile continuing your education now in order to take advantage of the time you have already invested. I have the thought in the back of my head that eventually college credit hours may not be transferable to a new degree pursuit, but I am unsure on any details. probably it depends on the new degree program.

 

If the ability to transfer these credits is not a big concern though, I'd actually lean more towards holding off an getting a degree until your kids are older and closer to being more independent. If you do complete a degree program within the next 2-4 years, would you be ready to start working? Or, would you prefer to put off working until your children a a bit older and more independent?

 

Do you have any opportunities for volunteering?

What kinds of things make you feel good? Any kind of things...for example, I feel good having a drawer for all of our reusable plastic containers! I know this is trivial, but even small organizational triumphs such as this are good, imo. I have had to work on developing more personal pride in maintaining my home, instead of just feeling as though I am day after day doing the same cleaning...over and over and over and over again, I represent it as providing a well working home for myself and my beloved family. :)

 

On marriages...hmm, well, I have had to learn to become very accepting.

 

more :grouphug:

[kalanamak]

When I feel trapped, I start planning airholes. Sometimes the airholes don't pay off for a long time, but the idea I am working towards them is enough hope for me. HTH.

[OLG]

Six kids and not yet 30! give yourself a break, dear lady. Seriously. I would venture to say that first, you are 'tired' and second, you need a little time with adults. As for accomplishments? Well, I think you have a full plate and are doing an amazing job already. Anyway to carve out time just for you each and every week and do something alone or with a friend? Plus, naps?? WHen you are exhausted, everything seems like a major problem, even one's faith. Might sound too simple but I would venture to say it couldn't hurt to rest up! :grouphug:

[I.Dup.]

If you do complete a degree program within the next 2-4 years, would you be ready to start working? Or, would you prefer to put off working until your children a a bit older and more independent?

 

 

No, I would definitely prefer to put off working. I much prefer to dictate my own schedule so if there is a job I can have that freedom and make good money that would be ideal and something I would like to work toward. I definitely thrive with any kind of creative outlet so I would love to do something like photography or writing, but I am terrible at selling myself and I know that is needed at least with photography. Writing would be preferable so I don't have to deal with people. I am having to rethink my entire career goals. I have tried to go back to school for nursing several times but it just will not work out- too time intensive and too much time away from the family. I think working toward a career would help me feel much less "trapped" but I don't want to waste my time on it, either. My mom went back to school at 50+ and has never made money off her degree.

[Oakblossoms]

Do you get out much? One of the best things I have ever done is try and spend time weekly with another homeschool family. We can laugh, joke, talk about all the things that annoy us about homeschooling and let the kids play. It has been really healing for me. It is safe to hang out with them. I don't have to worry about theology or Christian fluff. I can say things like today I don't want to homeschool or I feel like an idiot. Then we eat chocolate:tongue_smilie:

[milovany]

PM'ing you!

[LibraryLover]

Might you be overworked and exhausted? You had 6 children in under 10 years in a country which expects a woman to do everything alone, and now in certain circles we must take on --100%-- the educating of our children. I'm guessing you haven't gotten a single night of decent sleep in 10 years.

 

I think the whole system is broken. It's not you.

Edited July 10, 2012 by LibraryLover

[justamouse]

You are in the screaming thick of it, and you're not foolish or irresponsible, you're under the biggest dog pile of kids and responsibilities. Really, those ages-it was all I could do to keep my head above water, and it's OK to feel like that. You're trying to survive.

 

Carve time out for yourself. If you stare at a wall the whole time, that's ok. I used to want nothing more than that, that's how fried I was.

 

Realize that for a time, this is your life. It will get better. Thankfully they get older. It doesn't seem like it. but it's true.

 

Get a hobby, go to school, volunteer at church, get out.

 

On top of all those kids, welcome to your 30s. This is a decade of redefining yourself and trying to selvedge what remains of who you were when you got married and started having kids.

[justLisa]

You are in the screaming thick of it, and you're not foolish or irresponsible, you're under the biggest dog pile of kids and responsibilities. Really, those ages-it was all I could do to keep my head above water, and it's OK to feel like that. You're trying to survive.

 

Carve time out for yourself. If you stare at a wall the whole time, that's ok. I used to want nothing more than that, that's how fried I was.

 

Realize that for a time, this is your life. It will get better. Thankfully they get older. It doesn't seem like it. but it's true.

 

Get a hobby, go to school, volunteer at church, get out.

 

On top of all those kids, welcome to your 30s. This is a decade of redefining yourself and trying to selvedge what remains of who you were when you got married and started having kids.

What she said. Something happens after 30. I'm not sure how to explain it but I changed a lot.

[justamouse]

Might you be overworked and exhausted? You had 6 children in under 10 years in a country which expects a woman to do everything alone, and now in certain circles we must take on --100%-- the educating of our children. I'm guessing you haven't gotten a single night of decent sleep in 10 years.

 

I think the whole system is broken. It's not you.

 

My mom was telling me about Brasil and how they used to have help to do everything-and it was a good act toward the help because they were street people that lived in shanty towns. They took them in, gave food, and educated them. For the exchange they did all of the shopping, took care of the house, babysat and cooked.

 

So maybe the model wasn't the best, but can you imagine what you could do when everything wasn't all up to you and you didn't need to be a gazillionare to pay for help like that?

[Lovedtodeath]

PM's are fine.

 

I am at a point in my life when I am feeling very trapped and panicky. I love my children and have sacrificed everything for them (gave up my schooling and any chance of a career when I got pregnant unexpectedly in college, continue to give up my free time now to homeschool them, etc) and will continue to do so. They are the greatest blessing in my life.

 

My issues now, I think, are with my marriage and my spirituality. Things seem to be getting harder, not easier, in these areas as I get older. I am assuming this is due to some kind of selfishness or irresponsibility on my part.

 

I am just wondering how to get past this, or through this.

I have been where you are. I struggle with this and have to do it all over almost every day. ;) How to get through it? Well sometimes I write to my friends on facebook just like you are on here. and I remember "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Phil. 4:13 That is the only way. When I try, oh do I fail. Always.

 

Adoration. Regular confession. Prayer.

 

It doesn't make things "better," but it gives me the grace to deal with them day by day.

 

:grouphug:

:iagree:Yes exactly. "The Joy of the Lord is my strength." Nehemiah 8:10 Reclaim that joy.

 

Stop believing the lie that what you are is based upon how much you can cut out of your own person, and still be left breathing.

:iagree:Yes. My husband and friends continually remind me that "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free." Galatians 5:1

 

My friends have been helping me and lifting me up. Here is one article that one sent me. It has really helped me with this:

 

http://fruitageofthespirit.wordpress.com/2012/06/29/keep-yourself-in-gods-love/

 

I have another, but I have forgotten it. My kids are loud. lol

Edited July 10, 2012 by Lovedtodeath

[Lovedtodeath]

 

On top of all those kids, welcome to your 30s. This is a decade of redefining yourself and trying to selvedge what remains of who you were when you got married and started having kids.

I quit my job when I was pregnant with my first and one thing that is really helping me lately is writing again. I don't have enough time to actually get a job again, so I write up board game reviews for free because it is similar to my old job, I love them I get excited about it, and it gives me a sense of accomplishment. Find something that does that for you. Edited July 10, 2012 by Lovedtodeath

[3browneyedboys4me]

I think your 30's are really about self discovery. They were for me. I am at the end of my 30's now. For me, it was about deciding who I was, what I was going to do with my children and my life. You make some very critical decisions during those years. It's hard for women b/c we have so many other ppl to consider while we make those decisions.

 

I agree with everyone else that you have a plate full. I am wondering if you just feel like you 'should' be getting a degree.? I know I always felt guilty for neglecting my own education and career. However, by the time I hit my mid 30's, I decided what I wanted and it din't involve going back to school. Maybe one day, but this is not the season for me. I wonder if you are putting pressure on yourself b/c you feel like you need to do it?

 

It does get better. :) Hang in there and be gentle with yourself.:grouphug:

[elfgivas]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

quick and easy things you can do that really do make a difference:

a) step outside your front door at the beginning of your day. choose something to look at - a flower, a bird, the wind in the trees. just stand there and look at it and be thankful for it. let your noticing of it fill you up. offer that thanks to God.

 

b) buy a can of whipping cream and top your morning coffee with it. make sure you have protein for breakfast.

 

c) go on pandora and create your own radio station for free, full of music you love. play it while you do the dishes.

 

d) however you do it, manage some outdoor time and some time with enough movement to get your endorphins going. that might be taking all the kids to the park after dinner, or running through the sprinkler with them. on bad days, its hanging laundry up outside for me, and walking the dog.

 

e) at dinner, ask each person for three things that were good that day. write them down. you choose three things, too. every night.

 

e) no media time after 9pm. no chores after 9pm.

read, sing, sit outside and watch the stars, have a bath..... bed by 10pm.

 

those are short term things that are like the "air holes" someone else mentioned. they let in a breath of fresh air to get you through.

 

:grouphug:

ann

[amydavis]

Just wanted to say that I totally understand where you're coming from. I hate feeling trapped!

 

For me, I think passing the 40 year old mark (in fact, getting close to 42...)has had a huge impact. I feel blessed to have such a wonderful husband, and I'm thankful for what we have. But, at the same time, I feel like I'm supposed to "have it more together" by now. We sacrifice a lot financially to have me home. I'm starting to feel trapped financially...and that isn't a good mix with me.

 

I love our home (old, built in 1930), but...it needs a lot of money poured into it, that isn't there right now. And, it's proving to be tedious to travel as far as we have to for everything. (I drive 30-45 minutes, one way, at least 5x a week...just to get to co-op, dance, library, church, stores, friends, scouts, etc.) Well, if things were the way I wanted them, we'd probably move at this point, because as much as I love the house...I love my time even more! But, that's not an option for us right now...so...I feel trapped. If we're staying, I'd love to turn this home into the gem that I know it is...but, as I mentioned, the money isn't there...so, once again...trapped! Oh, I can't stand it! :banghead:

 

The only thing that works for me, is to make plans. I have to do something that makes me see the light at the end of the tunnel. So, for me, for now, that includes something that sounds so simple, but is so hard. I have to find the bright side. So, I remind myself what I love about where I live and I focus on those things. I set goals that are able to be accomplished to make the house even more of something that I can love. (So, for example...while I can't replace the roof right now...I can paint once the temps drop a little! And, the bright side of living in the country is having a little land, so...I'm planning to do more gardening. Another positive!)

 

As for the time issue, I'm figuring out ways to make us more productive with our schooling when we have to travel into town. So, getting our vehicle "homeschool friendly" is another project I'm focusing on.

 

So, my advice would be...whatever areas are making you feel trapped...start figuring out ways to give yourself those "air holes" that someone else mentioned. Try to find ways to focus on the positives, and make plans to turn around the negatives. For you, online classes would be one way to start turning things around. You've gotten good advice about that. And, if possible, make sure you're carving out time to spend with people that lift you up, and help you see the positives, while helping you cope with the rest.

 

I guess, more than anything, just wanted you to know that you're definitely not alone. :grouphug:

[elfgivas]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

mid-range things you can do:

a) institute happy horizontal hour for one hour after lunch every day (all kids must be happy, and horizontal, in their rooms with no media). use this time to experiment with things you like to do. one day, spend an hour reading. another time, play solitaire, try your hand at sewing or embroidery or painting or cooking/baking as fun, paint your nails, pick up an instument you haven't played in years, skype a friend and chat, get a work out video and work out....

 

b) once you find a few things you really like, look for people who also enjoy that. if you ask around, soon you will find a group of friends who also do that thing. join the community orchestra, join the y and work out, start/join a bridge club, organize a scrapbooking evening..... this takes longer to bear fruit, but its pretty wonderful when it does.

 

(the year i was thirty was a watershed year for me. i was cracking up, and needed to do something, anything, so i rented a piano and started to play again. which led to musical theater. which led to reclaiming who i really was, which led to all sorts of things becoming rearranged..... )

 

c) hire a neighborhood teen to babysit in your house while you are there, freeing you to do something other than child care.

 

d) hire a retired mom/teacher from church to be with your kids for two hours one afternoon a week while you run away somewhere. anywhere will do.

 

e) add in thinking of three things that your husband does that you are thankful for. decide to thank him for each of those things at least once this week. next week, pick three more. (simple things, like thanking him for working hard enough that you have a place to live, or for being cheerful in the mornings, or for reading to a child or ....) what this will do is help you notice things about him that are positive. it can only help.

 

f) if you want, get a pet that is yours. (the year i was 30, i got a dog, who i trained and took for walks every evening, even though i had toddlers at home and was working part time. but it got me out and exercising, and it gave me companionship and love, which were in short supply).

 

g) paint a bathroom a fun color. get a wacky cover for the driver's seat in your car, something that will make you smile in the middle of your life.

 

eta:

h) get a new haircut, or a trim, or highlights, or nails or something that will make you smile, and is a way of taking care of you.

 

i) i forgot friday night pizza night. we got together with two other families, and one would host the pizza and movie night, another would bring the pizza, and a third would bring the movies... one for the kids, one for the adults. it was low cost, we had fun, we got to talk to other adults, it felt like a friday night out even when it wasn't really, etc.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

ann

Edited July 10, 2012 by elfgivas@yahoo.com

[elfgivas]

:grouphug::grouphug: long range things:

 

after a few weeks/months of short range and midrange things, i was ready to look at long range things....

 

things like what i would like to add to my life, or subtract from my life, looking at jobs outside the home, inside the home, camping, travel, visiting family, food, just about everything..... and then choosing multiple paths forward. its hard to do this when you are at the "i must escape" stage, so its worth just waiting until its all more manageable.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

ann

[Heidi]

Ugh, I went through this just a few weeks ago.

 

I would recommend taking a forum fast. For me, reading through these posts, getting so many ideas filling my thoughts, and spending so much energy, emotion, and time on here started making it difficult for me to have clear and calm thoughts of my own. My stress level and laziness increased; my patience and ability to focus on things that matter decreased.

 

I love the forums because it gives me a break during the day to get lost and "zone out" and talk to other adults, but I was on here way too much that it was consuming. I would lose track of time and stay up way too late reading this forum.

 

Find down time doing something uplifting, like reading your scriptures, going for a walk, reading to the kids (if that is uplifting ;)). Spend your energy cleaning your house and making meals for your kids. Go to bed at a decent hour. Exercise. Don't get on here for a few weeks and see what happens.

 

:grouphug:

[Rosie_0801]

Stop believing the lie that what you are is based upon how much you can cut out of your own person, and still be left breathing.

 

That deserved to be bolded.

 

 

I do a lot of negative self-talk. I think it's part of what I've always considered religion to be...less of me, more of Christ. That kind of thing. I am still very confused spiritually.

 

Please forgive my attempted humour if it is inappropriate, but just a mo, Lady! You are supposed to try to be Christ-like, yes? You are not supposed to be Christ. Your hubby married you, a woman trying to be Christ-like, trying to emulate His virtues. If he wanted to marry Christ directly, he'd be a monk or something. :eek:

 

Rosie

[Coffeetime]

And we live in the same area :) I see you're in the NW, I am too.

Hey! Whatdoyaknow! ;)

 

My advice: acknowledge your yearnings, and stop labeling them as "selfishness." You have denied and given up huge portions of yourself, for your family and your children. These are admirable sacrifices, but your love for your family does not nullify the parts of yourself that are underused, ignored, lying fallow.

 

Stop believing the lie that what you are is based upon how much you can cut out of your own person, and still be left breathing.

 

THAT is going on my fridge.

[meggie]

I've been having mid-life crises since I was 24. I am now 28 :lol:. I still get them about every six months. I freak out about our financial situation, research the heck out of online degree programs, freak out even more, buy a bunch of stuff for a new hobby I want to do and then collapse in tears for about 24 hours.

 

What helps is getting one night off a week. It's just for me :D and I love it. Sometimes I go to the dollar theater, sometimes I go to the library so I can Pinterest without guilt, once I went to Barnes and Noble. This week I'm going to go to the library and peruse my brand new Rainbow Resource catalog.

[Anne]

Six kids and not yet 30! give yourself a break, dear lady. Seriously. I would venture to say that first, you are 'tired' and second, you need a little time with adults. As for accomplishments? Well, I think you have a full plate and are doing an amazing job already. Anyway to carve out time just for you each and every week and do something alone or with a friend? Plus, naps?? WHen you are exhausted, everything seems like a major problem, even one's faith. Might sound too simple but I would venture to say it couldn't hurt to rest up! :grouphug:

 

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

And I also think you need some regular time to pursue things your own interests. If you're afraid of being selfish, remember that you are modeling life-long learning/living strategies for children!

 

Your mental health is extremely important - do not let the many other needs of your family cause you to undervalue yours!!

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Anne

[Tammyla]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[TranquilMind]

PM's are fine.

 

I am at a point in my life when I am feeling very trapped and panicky. I love my children and have sacrificed everything for them (gave up my schooling and any chance of a career when I got pregnant unexpectedly in college, continue to give up my free time now to homeschool them, etc) and will continue to do so. They are the greatest blessing in my life.

 

My issues now, I think, are with my marriage and my spirituality. Things seem to be getting harder, not easier, in these areas as I get older. I am assuming this is due to some kind of selfishness or irresponsibility on my part.

 

I am just wondering how to get past this, or through this.

Wow, when I saw the list of kids you have, I thought that you probably really need a break! All people do. This doesn't mean you are wrong or selfish or anything. You are just human.

 

Leave the husband with the kids and get out a couple of times a week. Or have him take the kids and you stay home. You will feel so much better afterward.

[Melinda in VT]

:grouphug:

 

I think the first thing I would do is take steps to avoid having any more kids right at the moment. I don't know what your religious beliefs are about that, but I think at the point when you start thinking of yourself as trapped in your life, your mental and emotional health needs to be a higher priority than being open to new life. Give your body and mind a chance to breathe and recover. It's not just best for you, it's in the best interests of the entire family.

 

Kids do grow. It does get easier. But you have to make sure you all survive to that point.

[Sevilla]

The first thing I thought of: You have neglected self-care for so long that you're become a martyr which is unhealthy for *everyone* in the family.

 

It is good and healthy to model taking care your yourself to your children - they need to see that parenthood can be balanced. Everyone's emotional/physical needs in a family matter, including mom's!

 

So what is one thing you can do just for YOU each week? Doesn't have to be expensive, doesn't have to be a long time, doesn't have to be fancy - but it does need to be regular and routine.

[I.Dup.]

I think the whole system is broken. It's not you.

 

I think you're right. Being a woman and a mother in this country certainly isn't easy.

 

You are in the screaming thick of it, and you're not foolish or irresponsible, you're under the biggest dog pile of kids and responsibilities. Really, those ages-it was all I could do to keep my head above water, and it's OK to feel like that. You're trying to survive.

 

Carve time out for yourself. If you stare at a wall the whole time, that's ok. I used to want nothing more than that, that's how fried I was.

 

Realize that for a time, this is your life. It will get better. Thankfully they get older. It doesn't seem like it. but it's true.

 

Get a hobby, go to school, volunteer at church, get out.

 

On top of all those kids, welcome to your 30s. This is a decade of redefining yourself and trying to selvedge what remains of who you were when you got married and started having kids.

 

Thank you for the tips, and the encouragement. It helps to be affirmed that there isn't something horribly wrong with me for feeling this way. I am pleasantly surprised that so many have gone through this around my age, it definitely makes me feel not so alone.

 

My mom was telling me about Brasil and how they used to have help to do everything-and it was a good act toward the help because they were street people that lived in shanty towns. They took them in, gave food, and educated them. For the exchange they did all of the shopping, took care of the house, babysat and cooked.

 

So maybe the model wasn't the best, but can you imagine what you could do when everything wasn't all up to you and you didn't need to be a gazillionare to pay for help like that?

 

I would love to have more help, yes. I have been having a teen girl come over on the days dh works for 2 hours. I am always here in the house- sometimes I get some work done, sometimes I take a nap. This helps tremendously with my mental health, even just 2 hours without having to be the only one "on." But I cannot tell you how GUILTY I feel for this. I feel that I'm weak to ask for help and that I should be doing it all myself, and yet I am still struggling. It helps to know that in other times and other cultures, other people get way more help than that. So that makes me feel a bit better.

 

it gives me a sense of accomplishment. Find something that does that for you.

 

Thank you, I am pondering this. :)

 

I think your 30's are really about self discovery. They were for me. I am at the end of my 30's now. For me, it was about deciding who I was, what I was going to do with my children and my life. You make some very critical decisions during those years. It's hard for women b/c we have so many other ppl to consider while we make those decisions.

 

I agree with everyone else that you have a plate full. I am wondering if you just feel like you 'should' be getting a degree.?

 

Thank you for the encouragement. It's been really helpful to know this is a somewhat normal "stage" I am going through. I had no idea this could happen in your 30's. I've always had wanderlust and been sort of a free spirit, but this feeling of being trapped and panicky has been seeming to increase. I do think a lot of it is due to being tired and my hormones regulating again. I think part of it is that I feel that I "should" get a degree, maybe. But I also would really, really like to have a way to make a good income. It scares me to have this many children and no way to provide. If I could do that without spending all the time going to school, all the better. ;)

 

 

quick and easy things you can do that really do make a difference:

a) step outside your front door at the beginning of your day. choose something to look at - a flower, a bird, the wind in the trees. just stand there and look at it and be thankful for it. let your noticing of it fill you up. offer that thanks to God.

 

b) buy a can of whipping cream and top your morning coffee with it. make sure you have protein for breakfast.

 

c) go on pandora and create your own radio station for free, full of music you love. play it while you do the dishes.

 

d) however you do it, manage some outdoor time and some time with enough movement to get your endorphins going. that might be taking all the kids to the park after dinner, or running through the sprinkler with them. on bad days, its hanging laundry up outside for me, and walking the dog.

 

e) at dinner, ask each person for three things that were good that day. write them down. you choose three things, too. every night.

 

e) no media time after 9pm. no chores after 9pm.

read, sing, sit outside and watch the stars, have a bath..... bed by 10pm.

 

those are short term things that are like the "air holes" someone else mentioned. they let in a breath of fresh air to get you through.

 

ann

 

Thank you so much for all of your suggestions, those are really helpful.

 

I guess, more than anything, just wanted you to know that you're definitely not alone.

 

Thank you for what you shared. I could relate to a lot of what you wrote.

 

I would recommend taking a forum fast.

 

I hear you. I have already cut out most places I go online, facebook being the big one. :001_smile:

 

Please forgive my attempted humour if it is inappropriate, but just a mo, Lady! You are supposed to try to be Christ-like, yes? You are not supposed to be Christ. Your hubby married you, a woman trying to be Christ-like, trying to emulate His virtues. If he wanted to marry Christ directly, he'd be a monk or something.

 

Rosie

 

LOL, you make a good point.

 

I've been having mid-life crises since I was 24. I am now 28. I still get them about every six months. I freak out about our financial situation, research the heck out of online degree programs, freak out even more, buy a bunch of stuff for a new hobby I want to do and then collapse in tears for about 24 hours.

 

What helps is getting one night off a week. It's just for me :D and I love it. Sometimes I go to the dollar theater, sometimes I go to the library so I can Pinterest without guilt, once I went to Barnes and Noble. This week I'm going to go to the library and peruse my brand new Rainbow Resource catalog.

 

The bolded is so me. :lol:

 

And I also think you need some regular time to pursue things your own interests. If you're afraid of being selfish, remember that you are modeling life-long learning/living strategies for children!

 

 

Thank you, this is very true. One of my favorite parenting books talks about the need for children to see their parents having an actual life, and interests, apart from the children. That is definitely something to work more on.

 

Coming back to reply to more, thank you all so much. :)

[I.Dup.]

:grouphug:

 

I think the first thing I would do is take steps to avoid having any more kids right at the moment. I don't know what your religious beliefs are about that, but I think at the point when you start thinking of yourself as trapped in your life, your mental and emotional health needs to be a higher priority than being open to new life. Give your body and mind a chance to breathe and recover. It's not just best for you, it's in the best interests of the entire family.

 

Kids do grow. It does get easier. But you have to make sure you all survive to that point.

 

Yes, we are doing this right now. We need a bit of a longer break. I just got asked tonight if we have 2 sets of twins. :lol: A little bit of a spacing would be nice. ;)

 

The first thing I thought of: You have neglected self-care for so long that you're become a martyr which is unhealthy for *everyone* in the family.

 

It is good and healthy to model taking care your yourself to your children - they need to see that parenthood can be balanced. Everyone's emotional/physical needs in a family matter, including mom's!

 

So what is one thing you can do just for YOU each week? Doesn't have to be expensive, doesn't have to be a long time, doesn't have to be fancy - but it does need to be regular and routine.

 

Thank you. Feeling like a martyr is NO fun, and something I definitely want to avoid!

[Lovedtodeath]

Thank you, I am pondering this. :)

Working my muscles and learning Zumba at Curves seemed to work for me too. Then it closed and I had to find something else.

 

I just have to quote some of that article because if you or others reading are like me, you won't go to the link to read it. lol

 

I had told my elders I could no longer serve because I was trying to build my own relationship with God at the time, and they said I was selfish. After 7 years of dedicated service, my life was falling apart and I was feeling weak and vulnerable, grasping for God, asking for prayer, and now they were calling me selfish? So God validated my efforts to pursue Him in Jude 20-21.

 

20 But you, dear friends, by building yourselves up in your most holy faith and praying in the Holy Spirit, 21 keep yourselves in God’s love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life.

 

I noticed the SELFISH language of it. It is all about keeping YOURSELF in God’s love and building YOURSELVES up in YOUR most holy faith. It wasn’t up to any man to build up my relationship with God, it was up to me.

Seeking Him is a selfish endeavor He respects. I had grasped the first step in personalizing my faith outside of the constructs of religion. There is grace indeed, it was pouring out all over me, but God put upon me a responsibility for our relationship and continues to remind me of it even as I enjoy fellowship now within the church. And by my signature, I remind others to do this as well. We must do something to keep our relationship with God strong, like any other relationship. What does it say? Wait for something to happen? Expect the pastor or fellow Christian to always build us up? No, we, yes, WE ourselves must build ourselves up in the faith.

But what about serving others? Isn’t the Christian life about loving our neighbors? Isn’t it about serving others? When we “selfishly” keep ourselves in God’s love, He then fills us up to overflowing and we can not help but spill out somewhere. Filled to be spilled. This is how He enables us to love our neighbors as ourselves.

[I.Dup.]

That is very good. Thank you for posting that.

[Aelwydd]

I agree with Lovedtodeath. How can you be a shining reflection of God's image, if you are too emaciated and malnourished to walk the path He has put before you?

 

You know, I'm fairly certain that Jesus, as the Son of God, could probably have gone his entire earthly life without eating one bite of food. If he was capable of foregoing food and water in the desert for 40 days, then I maintain he was certainly divine enough to have never eaten if he so wished.

 

He even said at one point, "My food is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work."

 

 

But Jesus did eat. And drink. He even drank wine.

 

At one point, he was even criticized for eating and drinking, and hanging out with publicans and sinners.

 

Surely, as the divine and perfect being he was, he should have consigned himself to some remote retreat, denying himself any food, water, human companionship, or luxury, right?

 

I say this: if Jesus could eat and drink, for the simple pleasure and contentment of being physically full, surely we weaker brothers and sisters should consider the idea that to be whole and healthy requires more than living a life of total self-denial, only taking in what is essential for survival.

 

After all, how can you accept God's gifts, or ever use them, if you are always returning them unopened?

Edited July 11, 2012 by Aelwydd

[Soror]

I don't have any stellar advice but I did want to chime in as well that I'm 33 and the last few years have certainly been interesting. I don't feel trapped but I feel a great call for figuring out who the heck I am and defining so much and then redefining again.

 

I agree with pp's as well, it is no wonder you feel as you do with so many kids so young. Your sanity is worth something and I'd be avoiding (through NFP) pregnancy if I felt that way.

[Soror]

I say this: if Jesus could eat and drink, for the simple pleasure and contentment of being physically full, surely we weaker brothers and sisters should consider the idea that to be whole and healthy requires more living a life of total self-denial, only taking in what is essential for survival.

 

 

Interesting thought. There are many paths to God and generally the one that is pushed is continual sacrifice, but we are all only called to sacrifice so much.

[Kelly1730]

I just turned 30. Seems too young to be dealing with a mid-life crisis, no? :confused:

 

I remember sort of "taking stock" at 30. ( I just turned 50 so my memory might be faulty:tongue_smilie:) I thought that by 30 I should have it all together. Have a plan, know where I was going and what I was doing. Not sure that I did but I do remember thinking about it. You have a young family, they take a lot of (probably most of) your time and energy right now. It is a season, it won't always be this way. They do grow up and leave you. Eventually. I don't think it's selfish to think about where you are now, where you would like to be and how you can get there. Praying for wisdom and peace for you.