Question about step-parents

[Scarlett]

Wow, that dredges up bad memories! My stepmother would refer to my brothers and me as "Edgar's (my father's) children." She wanted to make it very clear to everyone that we weren't *her* children, and that anything unlikeable about us should reflect on my dad and not on her. She often mentioned that although she knew my (deceased) mother, she was friends with my dad before she met my mom and was never really close to her or anything.

 

She would keep items from "her" side of the family on one side of the storage room, and items that my dad had brought into the marriage on the other side.

 

I'm sure she thought she was being practical and wise to do those things, but every time she did it it was like a knife cutting through my heart and making a separation in our family.

 

HOw old were you when your mother died?

 

I am sorry you suffered over that.

 

My mom married my step dad when I was grown with a year old baby. So he is <insert first name> to me and Papaw to my son. In fact, I think *I* refer to hm as Papaw almost all of the time. Now when I talk about the two of them I say, 'my parents'. When I am with my step sister we also call them 'the parents'.

 

I do think my step dad refers to me as his daughter...but I don't think my mom refers to my stepsister as her daughter. Step dad was married to his late wife for almost 40 years and she and my mom were good friends.

[Scarlett]

:iagree: It may sound strange, but I was actually happier and less frustrated and miserable when I finally accepted that I would never win.

 

I came into this step mothering gig with low expectations.....if they had been younger (say toddlers) I think it would have been very difficult to not want to mother them. As it is they were 9 and 13 and now 11 and 15 and they have a mother and I just try to be their father's wife.

 

I freaked out when I was dropping off dsss1 last time....he tried to reach in the car and hug me...I gave a half hug toward him but I was VERY uncomfortable hugging him with his mom there watching.

[melmichigan]

I would be careful if you are not the step-parent. Dad's girlfriend is not Dad's wife.

 

:iagree: They are not married so around here it would not be acceptable, regardless of the child together. That's just the way it is in my neck of the woods.

[Joanne]

I think it's important to point out that there is a difference between the adult in a parenting role referring to the minor kids and dropping "step" and what the minor kids call that parent. It's not the same situation.

 

I think that my xh's dw refers to my kids as hers as does my DH. But I would NEVER expect the kids to drop the step or call my DH "Dad" or xh dw "Mom."

 

The other thing to mention is that it is HARD to think of another woman calling your kids HERS. It goes straight to the gut. But:

 

1. Kids have a nearly infinite ability to build healthy relationships with a variety of adults

 

2. It's not about "you" and your feelings.

 

In divorce and step families, it's GOT to be about the kids.

[clarkacademy]

I just asked my daughter 15 how she would feel, she would "freak out" on another woman calling her their daughter. She would be very upset anyone calling her sibs their daughter as well. She told me she has 1 mom 1 dad no one can take our place. She knows alot of friends who are involved in step families she said everyone of them had a good reason to pull towards the step-parent and think of them as theirs.

 

Meaning their parents weren't that great and the step parent is better for whatever reason. She does not know anyone at all in the step family situation that calls the step parent theirs that also has a good relationship with their real parent. Meaning if Suzy Lou is calling daddys wife her mom then it is because Suzy Lou has issues with her actual mom.

 

She went on to tell me she would never consider another man her dad because no other man is her dad plain and simple. I think she thought this was going somewhere LOL! She also told me she is really glad that even though her parents are not together she has never had to deal with this drama as she puts it.

 

She would never have been happy with another woman butting in on her visits with her dad either. She would not be happy with a man not her father living in our house either. She is very happy she has never had to deal with mom and dad dating and alot of her friends think it is really cool that even though he lives in another state now he visits and stays at our house.

 

We have dinner celebrate holidays and such as a family. She would not like it at all if there were children in our home that are not ours as she put it. Her friend is going through alot right now with the new step mother situation and it has really opened alot for my daughter. Once I calmed her down and assured her that there were no potential step parents waiting in the wings she told me she was really glad that she had two parents who weren't so selfish as to put her and the other kids in that situation.

 

I was also given permission to date LOL! But I am not allowed to bring them home!

[A.Balaban]

My family situation is also complicated. My son has a biological father who is not DH. I have a daughter with DH.

 

So, technically DH is a Step-Dad, and my children are half-siblings. We do not make ANY such distinction in this household. My son's BD is "involved" in his life, but DH has been raising DS since he was 3 months old. BD did not BEGIN to get involved until DS was 11 months old, and wanted nothing to do with him for about a year after that. It wasn't until close to his second birthday that BD decided he *really* wanted to be a dad.

 

So, one day, we will explain to DS that he has 2 Dad's. DS *JUST* started calling his BD by his first name (and not dad).

 

Though, on the flip side, I do know if the situation was reversed, and my child was calling another woman "Mom" I would go bananas. But it is difficult for me to resolve since I'm with DH, and my DS's relationship was already well-established by the time BD decided he wanted a role. Now he lives too far away to establish any sort of "routine" role in his life so it is something we will be working on as DS gets older.

[kalanamak]

I don't think there is a hard and set rule.

 

I don't call hubby's grown daughter's my daughters step or otherwise. I never raised them, they were adult and near adult when we met, and I'm rather certain they would not want to call them that. We go by first names. I sometimes refer to "hubby's grown kids".

 

That said, it is awkward to always be planting extra words in what you call someone. I was NOT pleased with our son being called "little half-brother" to his face. Just use his name. He is a toddler and pre-schooler and you don't have to keep grinding the "half" in. This could have been a dig at me, but either way, I thought it stank.

 

When I took care of my niece and nephew for a couple of months, before I was ever a mother, I found I'd fallen into calling them son and daughter, just because of the role I had. It just slipped out. Perhaps this woman is doing it to make Dad smile. Perhaps the kids like it. It is their business, and I'd just roll with it and not let it bother me at all. Absent clear signs of malicious intent, I assume good intentions by all. I'm usually right.

[akmommy]

I think that sounds pretty normal. I think saying "my step kids this" My step kids that....puts an awkward strain on things. And I say that as someone that is divorced, and remarried.

:iagree:

Both of my step parents refer to me as their daughter. I think it's simpler and with a new baby she may be trying to make sure that they know they are still part of their dads family and important.

[akmommy]

Dp

Edited June 15, 2012 by akmommy

[myfunnybunch]

they are ours, we would never allow another person to help raise our kids or pay for our kids. I honestly do not understand why a woman would expect her husband to financially support her child from another man. I would feel shameful taking a mans money for one of my kids.

 

I think my husband would be deeply offended at the idea that his money is somehow not welcome in supporting our second child simply because she has a bio father (who also provides support). If he's good enough to help her when she's sick, pick her up after school, and tell her to go change because her skirt is too short and deal with the ensuing disagreement then his paycheck is certainly good enough to help pay for the roof over her head and the food she eats and the appropriate clothes she wears and her doctor bills. And I am deeply grateful that my dd's stepmother is willing to pitch in extra from her paycheck so that our dd, who has a disability and is on some pretty expensive meds, can have extra health coverage. I'm unsure why it would be considered disgraceful to allow all the people who love and parent the child to also participate in their financial support.

 

I think this might be a key difference in our opinions. I think of it as we're a family. Doesn't matter how it was formed. I take care of my step-daughter because I love her and because that's what family does. We are of the opinion it takes a village to raise a child. Finances are combined in our family anyway so money is family money - not his and hers money. I think we have different deffinitions of what is a family.

 

:iagree:

 

Thank you. This is exactly how dh and I feel about our children, all of them. We decided that the goal of our transition into a blended family was to have no mine/yours with the money or the kids; we are all responsible for raising the children, any and all bio- and step-parents, so if the child lives under our roof, the child is "ours."

 

In divorce and step families, it's GOT to be about the kids.

 

This. Always.

 

Cat

[akmommy]

I think it's important to point out that there is a difference between the adult in a parenting role referring to the minor kids and dropping "step" and what the minor kids call that parent. It's not the same situation.

 

:iagree:

 

Although my step parents refer to me as their daughter I don't call either of them Mom or Dad and never have. I call them by their fist names. I do refer to mom and stepdad, or dad and step mom as my parents when talking about them together. I'm kind of at a loss at this point as to how to introduce tmy step parents. They've been a part of my life so long that the step no longer feels right, but yet there is noway I could call them mom or dad.

Edited June 15, 2012 by akmommy

[Night Elf]

I think this might be a key difference in our opinions. I think of it as we're a family. Doesn't matter how it was formed. I take care of my step-daughter because I love her and because that's what family does. We are of the opinion it takes a village to raise a child. Finances are combined in our family anyway so money is family money - not his and hers money. I think we have different deffinitions of what is a family.

 

:iagree: I haven't had a personal income for years. We've lived on my DH's salary. I'm really happy my DH didn't see my dd as a separate person. I'm trying to fathom all the things she would have missed out on that her half-siblings got just because she isn't DH's bio daughter. I honestly think I'd divorce over that type of attitude. Although I guess I would have known about it before marriage and just would have not gotten married. My dd was part of my life and we came as a packaged deal. Love me, love her.

[ktgrok]

I just asked my daughter 15 how she would feel, she would "freak out" on another woman calling her their daughter. She would be very upset anyone calling her sibs their daughter as well. She told me she has 1 mom 1 dad no one can take our place. She knows alot of friends who are involved in step families she said everyone of them had a good reason to pull towards the step-parent and think of them as theirs.

 

Meaning their parents weren't that great and the step parent is better for whatever reason. She does not know anyone at all in the step family situation that calls the step parent theirs that also has a good relationship with their real parent. Meaning if Suzy Lou is calling daddys wife her mom then it is because Suzy Lou has issues with her actual mom.

 

She went on to tell me she would never consider another man her dad because no other man is her dad plain and simple. I think she thought this was going somewhere LOL! She also told me she is really glad that even though her parents are not together she has never had to deal with this drama as she puts it.

 

She would never have been happy with another woman butting in on her visits with her dad either. She would not be happy with a man not her father living in our house either. She is very happy she has never had to deal with mom and dad dating and alot of her friends think it is really cool that even though he lives in another state now he visits and stays at our house.

 

We have dinner celebrate holidays and such as a family. She would not like it at all if there were children in our home that are not ours as she put it. Her friend is going through alot right now with the new step mother situation and it has really opened alot for my daughter. Once I calmed her down and assured her that there were no potential step parents waiting in the wings she told me she was really glad that she had two parents who weren't so selfish as to put her and the other kids in that situation.

 

I was also given permission to date LOL! But I am not allowed to bring them home!

 

Um, wow. I mean, I'm sure if asked my son felt exactly the same way before he met his step father. I know he didn't want me to remarry, he had said so. But I met Ean, and got to know him, and then after 6 months or a year we introduced him to my son, and did fun stuff together, and they really liked each other. By the time Ean proposed my son was on board, and thought himself lucky for having a cool Dad AND a cool step father. He has never called Ean "Dad", but at the same time has no issue with Ean calling him "son". There is a difference.

[ktgrok]

 

Their daddy got it when he went to work with fevers and and anything else. We earned being their mom and dad and we would freak if some stranger came in and tried that I am a parent crap with our kids. Other families can view it however they decide.

 

Also my ex and I have always made it clear they are ours, we would never allow another person to help raise our kids or pay for our kids. I honestly do not understand why a woman would expect her husband to financially support her child from another man. I would feel shameful taking a mans money for one of my kids.

 

Unless me or their dad happens to die we would just never allow that situation with our children. Everyone has their own feelings but to me it is horribly disrectful. No woman has earned anything with these kids but me and no man has earned it but him.

 

 

 

So, instead of homeschooling my son, I should put him in school, my daughter in daycare, and go to work so that my son's stepfather doesn't pay for him? That makes no sense to me. My husband works hard to support me and my children, all my children. He loves my son, and my son loves him. That doesn't mean he loves his father any less. He can love both of them, and considers himself lucky to have both in his life.

 

Having a second or third child doesn't mean you love the first one any less. Having another parent figure doesn't mean you love or respect the others any less.

[Scarlett]

I just asked my daughter 15 how she would feel, she would "freak out" on another woman calling her their daughter. She would be very upset anyone calling her sibs their daughter as well. She told me she has 1 mom 1 dad no one can take our place. She knows alot of friends who are involved in step families she said everyone of them had a good reason to pull towards the step-parent and think of them as theirs.

 

Meaning their parents weren't that great and the step parent is better for whatever reason. She does not know anyone at all in the step family situation that calls the step parent theirs that also has a good relationship with their real parent. Meaning if Suzy Lou is calling daddys wife her mom then it is because Suzy Lou has issues with her actual mom.

 

She went on to tell me she would never consider another man her dad because no other man is her dad plain and simple. I think she thought this was going somewhere LOL! She also told me she is really glad that even though her parents are not together she has never had to deal with this drama as she puts it.

 

She would never have been happy with another woman butting in on her visits with her dad either. She would not be happy with a man not her father living in our house either. She is very happy she has never had to deal with mom and dad dating and alot of her friends think it is really cool that even though he lives in another state now he visits and stays at our house.

 

We have dinner celebrate holidays and such as a family. She would not like it at all if there were children in our home that are not ours as she put it. Her friend is going through alot right now with the new step mother situation and it has really opened alot for my daughter. Once I calmed her down and assured her that there were no potential step parents waiting in the wings she told me she was really glad that she had two parents who weren't so selfish as to put her and the other kids in that situation.

 

I was also given permission to date LOL! But I am not allowed to bring them home!

 

Are you and your XH planning on NEVER dating or remarrying? You seem to get along so well, I wondering why you are not married still! :)

[Word Nerd]

Once I calmed her down and assured her that there were no potential step parents waiting in the wings she told me she was really glad that she had two parents who weren't so selfish as to put her and the other kids in that situation.

 

She may feel like it's selfish for divorced couples to remarry, but that doesn't mean that it is or that it's better for everyone involved if neither of her parents ever marries again.

 

I don't agree that marriage and family are all about the kids and their personal preferences and feelings—whether it's a blended family, a two-parent family, a single-parent family, or some other type.

[Laurie4b]

:iagree:

 

Although my step parents refer to me as their daughter I don't call either of them Mom or Dad and never have. I call them by their fist names. I do refer to mom and stepdad, or dad and step mom as my parents when talking about them together. I'm kind of at a loss at this point as to how to introduce tmy step parents. They've been a part of my life so long that the step no longer feels right, but yet there is noway I could call them mom or dad.

 

I agree. I don't even use the word "step-mother'. I refer to her as my father's wife. She's a very nice person, but she's an "in law" to me. Same with her kids. I was already an adult when the second marriage occurred, so that may make a difference. I do consider her a grandmother to my children because she's acted in that role.

 

In the case of the OPs friend, it may be important to the kids that she calls them her kids, or it may really bother them. Depends on the kids' ages and personalities.

[Lady Florida.]

Dss was 14 when I met dh, who was the custodial parent. It probably makes a difference that he also doesn't have much of a relationship with his bio mom.

 

That said, I usually refer to him as my stepson if I'm talking about just him and me. If dh is included I'll often say something like our older son or our adult son. If ds and dss are both part of the sentence I often say our sons or our boys. He usually introduces us as his parents, though if he refers to us by name it's Dad and Kathy.

 

I don't think it's that unusual. I often hear step-parents refer to the step child(ren) as theirs. As a pp said, your friend likely makes it clear if a question comes up.

[Lady Florida.]

I think it's important to point out that there is a difference between the adult in a parenting role referring to the minor kids and dropping "step" and what the minor kids call that parent. It's not the same situation.

 

 

Exactly. Dss is not at all bothered by me including him as "our" sons, but I doubt he could ever call me mom. That's fine with me. We have a great relationship, he doesn't mind me referring to him, ds and dh as "my guys", and he considers me to be one of his son's grandmothers. What he calls me is not an issue for either of us.

[lionfamily1999]

She may feel like it's selfish for divorced couples to remarry, but that doesn't mean that it is or that it's better for everyone involved if neither of her parents ever marries again.

 

I don't agree that marriage and family are all about the kids and their personal preferences and feelings—whether it's a blended family, a two-parent family, a single-parent family, or some other type.

 

If marraige was supposed to be all about the kids then I guess no one would get married without them. Iow, marraige is a promise/union between two people and can involve children, but doesn't revolve around them. Iow, I agree with you completely.

[clarkacademy]

I think my husband would be deeply offended at the idea that his money is somehow not welcome in supporting our second child simply because she has a bio father (who also provides support). If he's good enough to help her when she's sick, pick her up after school, and tell her to go change because her skirt is too short and deal with the ensuing disagreement then his paycheck is certainly good enough to help pay for the roof over her head and the food she eats and the appropriate clothes she wears and her doctor bills. And I am deeply grateful that my dd's stepmother is willing to pitch in extra from her paycheck so that our dd, who has a disability and is on some pretty expensive meds, can have extra health coverage. I'm unsure why it would be considered disgraceful to allow all the people who love and parent the child to also participate in their financial support.

 

 

 

 

 

I think it stems from the fact we both had issues with the whole step parent thing growing up we just can't deal with it at all. His mother had many many different guys around him growing up. I think she always hoped for that one who stayed ya know. We have always been really weird about other people taking care of our kids too we are not very trusting.

 

My parents were always at odds with each other always going back and forth with each other. My mother remarried when I was 14 three days after my bio dad died. Granted they had been together before he died she didn't find some stranger but it was very hard and even she admits that it was all very bad timing.

 

It took until I was almost 20 to be friendly with my mom and I was well into my 20's before I had anything to do with my step-dad. It would feel weird to us to ask another person to help take care of our kid. I think it is great in the families that do work out but in the majority it just isn't so.

[clarkacademy]

Um, wow. I mean, I'm sure if asked my son felt exactly the same way before he met his step father. I know he didn't want me to remarry, he had said so. But I met Ean, and got to know him, and then after 6 months or a year we introduced him to my son, and did fun stuff together, and they really liked each other. By the time Ean proposed my son was on board, and thought himself lucky for having a cool Dad AND a cool step father. He has never called Ean "Dad", but at the same time has no issue with Ean calling him "son". There is a difference.

 

That is really wonderful. I mean it really is that it all fell together so well. But what if it didn't? What if your son got all attatched to this man etc and after a while he just wasn't happy with raising anothers persons kid? What if your husband changed after having "his own" kid as that has happened over and over to people I know?

 

Your son would have been hurt all over again as I am sure the first divorce hurt him in a sense. I just don't have that type of belief system I guess.

[TN Mama]

So... people who are step parents or who have step parents in their lives, how are step children referred to? Do you think treating kids as your own has a positive affect on the relationship? If you are a mom whose children have step parents, how do you feel about it?

 

My stepdad introduces me to people as his daughter. He has only been my stepfather for just over 12 years. It doesn't bother me. :) Most of the people whom I know with stepchildren, refer to them as their children.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Most of the people whom I know with stepchildren, refer to them as their children.

 

Dh's step mom calls him her son. I call her my MIL. I only call her dh's step-mom when I want to differentiate between her and dh's mother.

[clarkacademy]

Are you and your XH planning on NEVER dating or remarrying? You seem to get along so well, I wondering why you are not married still! :)

 

We were never married but we were together from the time I was 14 and up until I was in my 30's. We don't get along at all. We were seperated for a bit after the last one was born we both dated. His relationship didn't last very long at all and the one I had well sadly he was shot and killed.

 

It broke my older daughters heart, they were very close. He was a one of a kind kind of person there will just never be another man like him and it isn't worth my time to look for one. Their dad and I fight way too much. If we ever got into any kind of a real relationship it would be when they are older probally grown.

 

I will never bring a man around my older daughter again. The other three don't really remember but she does. She has his pictures and 7 years later the toys he bought still sit on her bed.

 

I have great respect for step-parents for the most part. I guess technically my dad is one but I see him as my dad. I don't think I could ever be a step-parent and I think I would be very weird about another woman calling my kids hers. I just don't see the situation working for us at all.

[ktgrok]

That is really wonderful. I mean it really is that it all fell together so well. But what if it didn't? What if your son got all attatched to this man etc and after a while he just wasn't happy with raising anothers persons kid? What if your husband changed after having "his own" kid as that has happened over and over to people I know?

 

Your son would have been hurt all over again as I am sure the first divorce hurt him in a sense. I just don't have that type of belief system I guess.

 

By that logic I never should have married my first husband, as he did leave, and it hurt my son. By that logic no one should EVER get married, as there is a good chance it won't work out. Would it have been better if no one ever got married, and just raised their children on their own, as single mother's so that the kid didn't risk getting hurt by the other parent leaving?

 

And if there was ANY doubt that Ean would stay the course I wouldn't have married him. Heck, he wouldn't have met my son. I suppose that there is some risk in any marriage, but avoiding all the love, care, fun, bonding, and attention that my son has gotten from his stepfather on the off chance it might not work out forever seems like a bad gamble. There have been so many benefits to him having a stepfather in his life that I can't imagine forgoing that just on the chance that he might leave some day...not when I was so sure he would stay.

[ktgrok]

That is really wonderful. I mean it really is that it all fell together so well. But what if it didn't? What if your son got all attatched to this man etc and after a while he just wasn't happy with raising anothers persons kid? What if your husband changed after having "his own" kid as that has happened over and over to people I know?

 

Your son would have been hurt all over again as I am sure the first divorce hurt him in a sense. I just don't have that type of belief system I guess.

 

heck, what if my parents die of heart attack and my kids are hurt by it? Maybe I should never have let them get to know their grandparents..as it could result in emotional pain one day. Or maybe I shouldn't let them know their aunt and uncle, in case they get hit by a bus one day.

 

Seriously.....people are worth it. Love is worth it. You can't distance yourself from people on the off chance they might hurt you. That kind of attitude, if it is passed to your children, could lead to real commitment issues later in life.

[clarkacademy]

By that logic I never should have married my first husband, as he did leave, and it hurt my son. By that logic no one should EVER get married, as there is a good chance it won't work out. Would it have been better if no one ever got married, and just raised their children on their own, as single mother's so that the kid didn't risk getting hurt by the other parent leaving?

 

And if there was ANY doubt that Ean would stay the course I wouldn't have married him. Heck, he wouldn't have met my son. I suppose that there is some risk in any marriage, but avoiding all the love, care, fun, bonding, and attention that my son has gotten from his stepfather on the off chance it might not work out forever seems like a bad gamble. There have been so many benefits to him having a stepfather in his life that I can't imagine forgoing that just on the chance that he might leave some day...not when I was so sure he would stay.

 

That is kind of the issue. I mean it hurts bad enough when your own parent walks then to have a stranger walk as well? Or what about after your husband had his own child and he changed? You cannot know that until it actually happens. You took a gamble and you won that is great! My neices live in absolute misery with their step father. Once his kid was born my neices could have dropped off the earth.

 

He treats them as slaves and is very vocal about the fact it upsets him to have to support his wifes mistakes and she is all on board with it too. She can't wait till the girls grow up and get out so they can be the perfect family :confused: He didn't even want children until he had one then it was all a different ball game.

 

My big brother and I have different fathers and his bio dads wife treated my brother like the dirty little secret. I think it is wonderful when it all works out but so often it just does not. I have even seen men treat their own children by different women differently. I just don't feel it is worth it. My kids aren't asking for a step dad or step siblings what right do I have to push that on them? It doesn't seem fair.

[ktgrok]

That is kind of the issue. I mean it hurts bad enough when your own parent walks then to have a stranger walk as well? Or what about after your husband had his own child and he changed? You cannot know that until it actually happens. You took a gamble and you won that is great! My neices live in absolute misery with their step father. Once his kid was born my neices could have dropped off the earth.

 

He treats them as slaves and is very vocal about the fact it upsets him to have to support his wifes mistakes and she is all on board with it too. She can't wait till the girls grow up and get out so they can be the perfect family :confused: He didn't even want children until he had one then it was all a different ball game.

 

My big brother and I have different fathers and his bio dads wife treated my brother like the dirty little secret. I think it is wonderful when it all works out but so often it just does not. I have even seen men treat their own children by different women differently. I just don't feel it is worth it. My kids aren't asking for a step dad or step siblings what right do I have to push that on them? It doesn't seem fair.

 

And that is horrid, and no woman should allow that situation to continue. Ever. My husband has a half brother, that he views as a full brother, and basically raised him himself. I knew what kind of parent he would be, and that he didn't view relationships by the blood in someone's veins.

 

But more to the point, you seem to be advocating an isolationist lifestyle, if that makes sense. That marriage, even first marraiges, are not worth the risk of pain. That any relationship isn't worth the chance of pain. That seems so sad to me.

 

Also, my son wasn't asking for a step parent. He didn't want that. But he was too young to know, and he is so grateful now, and I'm sure he couldn't imagine his life without my husband.

 

eh...we are social creatures, and i think it is natural and good that we surround ourselves with other humans.

[Scarlett]

But more to the point, you seem to be advocating an isolationist lifestyle, if that makes sense. That marriage, even first marraiges, are not worth the risk of pain. That any relationship isn't worth the chance of pain. That seems so sad to me.

 

 

Me too! Anytime you choose to love someone you risk pain in one way or another. They could turn betrayer, they could get sick, they could die. Loving people, having people in your life is risky business.

 

Also, my son wasn't asking for a step parent. He didn't want that. But he was too young to know, and he is so grateful now, and I'm sure he couldn't imagine his life without my husband.

 

eh...we are social creatures, and i think it is natural and good that we surround ourselves with other humans.

 

My son was 11 and he didn't want a stepdad either. He likes him and he accepts him, but he really misses the day of just me and him. I don't fault him for that feeling because he is a kid and wants his mom to himself....after all that is the way it was when I was married to his dad who was largely absent from our lives. As I tell ds though, very soon he will grow up and make his own life and then I would be alone...would he want that? No he says....but he still wishes I would have waited until he was grown.

 

And you know what? Some people do that. I guess the risk for them is just not worth the benefit.

[myfunnybunch]

I think it stems from the fact we both had issues with the whole step parent thing growing up we just can't deal with it at all. His mother had many many different guys around him growing up. I think she always hoped for that one who stayed ya know. We have always been really weird about other people taking care of our kids too we are not very trusting.

 

My parents were always at odds with each other always going back and forth with each other. My mother remarried when I was 14 three days after my bio dad died. Granted they had been together before he died she didn't find some stranger but it was very hard and even she admits that it was all very bad timing.

 

It took until I was almost 20 to be friendly with my mom and I was well into my 20's before I had anything to do with my step-dad. It would feel weird to us to ask another person to help take care of our kid. I think it is great in the families that do work out but in the majority it just isn't so.

 

:grouphug: I can see how your experiences have made you very cautious, and understandably so. I appreciate that you and your ex have made a firm committment to making sure that's not a part of your child's life.

 

Please do remember, though, it may be working for more families than we realize. We don't always hear about the good experiences because they don't stand out. We may not recognize the families for whom it's working because it may not be immediately obvious that there are stepchildren and stepparents. We just see a functional family.

 

And, to tie that in with the OP, I absolutely think the language families choose to refer to the children is important and should be family-specific. It's important to make a thoughtful choice about the words we use to help bond the family, and each family's dynamics and needs are different. :)

 

Cat

[Joanne]

That is kind of the issue. I mean it hurts bad enough when your own parent walks then to have a stranger walk as well? Or what about after your husband had his own child and he changed? You cannot know that until it actually happens. You took a gamble and you won that is great! My neices live in absolute misery with their step father. Once his kid was born my neices could have dropped off the earth.

 

He treats them as slaves and is very vocal about the fact it upsets him to have to support his wifes mistakes and she is all on board with it too. She can't wait till the girls grow up and get out so they can be the perfect family :confused: He didn't even want children until he had one then it was all a different ball game.

 

My big brother and I have different fathers and his bio dads wife treated my brother like the dirty little secret. I think it is wonderful when it all works out but so often it just does not. I have even seen men treat their own children by different women differently. I just don't feel it is worth it. My kids aren't asking for a step dad or step siblings what right do I have to push that on them? It doesn't seem fair.

 

 

You are reacting to issues, history, and content that are not part of the OP. You are making a case against nomenclature based on a very biased perspective. I am not sure if your perspective is a fit for the issues presented by the thread. You are also throwing around red-herrings such as abuse.

[Just Beachy]

Well, I guess I am in the minority, but I refer to my step children as my step children. Once, early in my marriage, I called them my "kids." When my husband's ex heard about it, she called her attorney (as she often did) and demanded he send a note to my dh's atty telling him to tell my dh that her children are in no way, shape, or form his new wife's children. So, my husband's children from his first marriage are my step children. I have always tried to treat them as I do my own, but they are not mine.

 

:) Beachy

[Impish]

That is kind of the issue. I mean it hurts bad enough when your own parent walks then to have a stranger walk as well? Or what about after your husband had his own child and he changed? You cannot know that until it actually happens. You took a gamble and you won that is great! My neices live in absolute misery with their step father. Once his kid was born my neices could have dropped off the earth.

 

He treats them as slaves and is very vocal about the fact it upsets him to have to support his wifes mistakes and she is all on board with it too. She can't wait till the girls grow up and get out so they can be the perfect family :confused: He didn't even want children until he had one then it was all a different ball game.

 

My big brother and I have different fathers and his bio dads wife treated my brother like the dirty little secret. I think it is wonderful when it all works out but so often it just does not. I have even seen men treat their own children by different women differently. I just don't feel it is worth it. My kids aren't asking for a step dad or step siblings what right do I have to push that on them? It doesn't seem fair.

Your sister is an enabling idiot.

[ktgrok]

Your sister is an enabling idiot.

 

:iagree:

[LMV]

My husband's first wife died when their son was four. I didn't know him at the time. We met for the first time a little over a year after her death and he was pretty upfront that he was a very involved single dad. In many ways I fell in love with his son at the same time I was falling in love with him. Had I not I doubt we would have married when we did because I don't see him marrying a woman who hadn't come to love his child. However, I have always considered M my stepson [and often referred to him as E's son] because I acknowledge that he had a mother who loved him and his father very much and would be with them if things were different. But things aren't different. I love them both and I love the family we have built now.

 

While M will always be my stepson I have always considered him the brother [halves sound wrong and silly] of our five daughters [one of whom died way too soon, one of whom is still in utero, and one of whom joined our family as a foster child]. I have appreciated and often praised the amazing big brother he has always been to them. He really has and they are very fortunate to have him in their lives.

[clarkacademy]

Your sister is an enabling idiot.

 

NOT MY SISTER!!! Had to clarify that LOL! Actually we were the bestest of friends for years. The relationship with the girls dad did not work and she holds it against them I believe. They are my neices in the sense I have always been Aunt Day to them and it just has always been my neices in my heart.

 

I just had to be clear I am not blood related to their mother we aren't even friends now.

[happymomofboys]

I think it's good for a step-parent not to differentiate between children, as long as she's not making them call her mom.

[clarkacademy]

You are reacting to issues, history, and content that are not part of the OP. You are making a case against nomenclature based on a very biased perspective. I am not sure if your perspective is a fit for the issues presented by the thread. You are also throwing around red-herrings such as abuse.

 

I felt that I answered the original question based on my opinion that it is disrespectful. When questioned on that opinion I gave reasons to back it. I am not making a case on anything other than my very own opinion. I even stated that yes the situations can work out but usually it just doesn't in my expierence.

[Shellers]

I've been a step mom for 17 years. I have never referred to my step daughters as my daughters because they aren't my kids, they have a mother.

 

On the flip side my DH adopted my daughter when she was 6. He is her father and the only father she has every known.

[swellmomma]

Same with foster kids....people are told in training to drop the "foster" part.

BTW, teachers and daycare providers claim kids also. So do caseworkers.

 

It is none of anyone's business how a family is made up. And it isn't healthy for kids to be deliberately outted as step, foster, separate and/or different.

 

I do claim kids as a daycare provider. As to the question, if all the adults involved are fine with it than it is fine imo. I know though if my ex's gf started calling my kids hers I would be po'd. Mainly because despite her living there they are not married (he is still married to me at this point), and they are teens. She can be their friend, she can refer to them as her step kids, but they are mine, and I am their only mother, and as long as she remains only the girlfriend it is not going to happen kwim. Just like I would not be okay with a new man in my life referring to them as his until we were married.

[kalanamak]

I am not making a case on anything other than my very own opinion. I even stated that yes the situations can work out but usually it just doesn't in my expierence.

 

It seems just a very sad opinion, that is all. I work with a couple thousand people. It seems that "mixed" and step families are greater than 50%, and I see more "good", "positive", whatever you want to call it step-families than original families, perhaps because the participants are a bit older and wiser. And I'm talking step-dads, step-moms, step-sibs, and step-grandparents. I'm so accustomed to step-whatevers being decent, your opinion is very sad to me -- that you've seen such unhappiness, and your daughter, too.

 

Perhaps it is because I work in the helping profession, it is a somewhat select group, even if it is very large.

[mama2cntrykids]

I wanted to add something else. My mom's ex-h used to introduce me to everyone as his "daughter". I hated it. Hated.it. I was embarrassed. Why? Because I felt like he wasn't my dad, and really, my feelings are what mattered in the issue. I let him and my mom know that I didn't like it, but it kept on. Some of those feelings stemed from being a young teen too, so take that for what it's worth :).

[*********]

You know, after reading this thread, I can see that different situations call for different actions.

 

I could see how, if a stepmother raised a child from a young age, and that child's bio mother was not in their lives, perhaps it is a good idea for the stepmother to call the child 'son' or 'daughter'.

 

But with my own childhood experience, I never even consider calling dss or dsd without the 'step'. Even though I was raised by/lived with dad and stepmom from the age of 5, my mom was still around. She visited us, at least for a few years. Even so, my dad and stepmom insisted shortly after they got married that I call stepmom 'mom'. Ugh. I mean, what an awful thing; like I want to call stepmom 'mom' in front of my bio mom.

 

Anyway, dss and dsd call me their stepmom when referring to me to others, and call be Bethany when talking to me. And that's the way I like it. And I call them my stepkids because that's what they are. I've always been very upfront with them about the fact that I'm not trying to replace their mom. I know they have a mom, and that they love her very much. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

 

Dss and dsd have never, as far as I know, referred to my boys as their half brothers. They just call them their brothers.

[OrganicAnn]

I am not a step parent or step child, so I hesitated to post. But I wanted to relate a story. A woman running for political office locally who was the step mother to kids (non custodial) had political ads where she identified them as "her kids". She was roundly criticized, because it looked like she was using the kids to boost her political standing.

 

 

My outsiders view is

If it is done with good intentions and makes the kids feel good and included, then it is great. If it makes kids feel awkward, embarrassed, and defensive, then there may be problems that can't be fixed with semantics.

[*********]

After it was explained to them, one Halloween, the 2 littles were trick or treating, and a lady asked Sarah if the boy with her was her friend. She said proudly, No! He's my sister's brother!"

 

How very sweet. :)

 

Dss and dsd now have a stepsister; their mother got married two years ago, and the man has a daughter.

 

Moose is really confused about how it is that dss and dsd have a stepsister, but that she isn't in any way related to him. :D Also, when he was about 3 or 4, he thought that dss and dsd's bio mom was HIS stepmom. You know, since I'm his mom, but their stepmom, the same must be true for their mom being his stepmom. We were all at a school function for dsd, and I got to tell her that. She thought it was sweet. She's always been VERY kind to my boys, and they like her.

 

One Mother's Day, we came home from fellowship to a card at our door. It was from dsd and dss's mother, thanking me for all I've done for her children. It made me cry.

 

Now, don't get me wrong; she and I disagree sometimes. But in the end, we have a good respect for one another. I think it helped when I had my boys, and then when she became a stepmom. Gives us each a good perspective of what it's like for the other.

[Nestof3]

I never call Aaron my step-son. I came into his life when he was 7, married his dad when he was 8. His biological mom moved away before we married. He's been calling me mom all along.

 

Sure, it's not the same as birthing a child and holding him after he was curled in your tummy for 9 months, but the love grows.

 

I have three sons. I can honestly say I feel they are all mine. Right now, our eldest is renting the house across the street from us. Our younger sons are playing the Wii over there with him. He ordered pizza for the three of them. In August, he accepts a commission into the United States Marines, and I bawl every time I think of that. He has asked for four people in his life to pin the bars onto him on that day -- his dad, me, my dad, and a professor who helped him immensely (funny thing is, he was my high school Spanish teacher).

 

If a person were to insinuate that he is not my son -- that I am not his mom -- after all we have been through, I honestly think I'd lose it. :lol: I home educated him from the fourth grade through graduation. We have been through so much together -- the good, the bad, and the ugly. He has come to me through relationships seeking advice. We have cried together. Honestly, I cannot put into words how much I love him.

 

I'll leave you with two photos -- one, obviously, at our wedding day. The other, at his friend's wedding the other day. He asked me to dance with him. I think he even did so prior to asking his girlfriend. I added in one of his OCS graduation as well.

 

One last thing. Raising Ben, I see Aaron all over again. Well, Aaron wasn't so grumpy. But, Ben is just so much like Aaron. We are a family just like any other.