If you successfully raised a son through his pre-teen years...

[my2boysteacher]

How did you not strangle him? :willy_nilly: Oldest DS is going on 12, and developing an attitude like you would't believe. He is defiant, talking back to me, lashing out physically at his brother, and just unpleasant to be around. He actually hit me last night, which shocked me speechless. Now, he is good as gold with his dad, he just seems to take everything out on me and his brother. We have taken away all computers and video games, and limited TV time. I could use some advice from parents who have BTDT.

The only thing I can think of is trying to get him into sports, or some other activity this summer where he will have his own space, and a sense of independence. I am just in tears, thinking about what my sweet little baby has become. I know this too will pass, but how do I survive in the mean time? :confused:

[NorthwestMom]

Hitting is NOT ok. You guys need family counseling and he needs individual counseling ASAP. It will only get worse if you don't address it immediately.

 

I hope you can hear the compassion in my post as I say my 13yo ds would NEVER hit anyone but especially not his mother. This is not normal teen behavior. If he looks up to his dad, then dad needs to address this behavior and basically tomato-stake him and show him how to be a healthy male.

 

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[my2boysteacher]

Hitting is NOT ok. You guys need family counseling and he needs individual counseling ASAP. It will only get worse if you don't address it immediately.

 

I hope you can hear the compassion in my post as I say my 13yo ds would NEVER hit anyone but especially not his mother. This is not normal teen behavior. If he looks up to his dad, then dad needs to address this behavior and basically tomato-stake him and show him how to be a healthy male.

 

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

He has been through a lot of tomato staking in the last few years, and was doing so well, until his hormones started kicking in. He has always struggled with impulsiveness and self control. I think DH thinks it is normal behavior, as he also struggled with control and temper issues when he was younger.

[Upward Journey]

:grouphug: Those are hard years.

 

Ds started swimming year round at that age. With 2-3 hours in the pool everyday, plus school, he didn't have the energy to be nasty. OK, not as much energy anyway ;) This also gave him some autonomy, along with significant amounts of time away from Mom & younger siblings, which he really needed.

 

Hang in there. It does get better :grouphug:

[my2boysteacher]

:grouphug: Those are hard years.

 

Ds started swimming year round at that age. With 2-3 hours in the pool everyday, plus school, he didn't have the energy to be nasty. OK, not as much energy anyway ;) This also gave him some autonomy, along with significant amounts of time away from Mom & younger siblings, which he really needed.

 

Hang in there. It does get better :grouphug:

 

Thanks! This is what my instincts are telling me he needs.

[Lisa in SC]

I agree with the pp that hitting is most definitely not ok. My son has not hit anyone, but if he did, dh would put a stop to that in record time, even if he had to make a flying trip back to us from where he's currently located. My son can be defiant and talks back upon occasion. For us, that's a non-negotiable cause for restriction. It's also a time where we have a serious conversation about respect, expectations and character. Finally, we significantly increase intense physical activity. On these occasions, dh takes him for a minimum of 7 days and works him hard doing things like stocking drywall, carrying loads of shingles, shoveling gravel, etc.). Dh is director of external operations for a new home builder, so he has the ability to do that. He's up at 6:00 and falls asleep by or before 9:00 p.m. He gets plenty of nutritious food and tons of hydration. We've just found that hard work curbs the defiance. :grouphug:

[Robin M]

We are struggling with the bad attitude as well with major losses of technology. Basically like teaching a child manners all over again and constant reminders of what and how to say things and how not to act. Throwing tantrums at 12/13 isn't cute. I had to have an attitude adjustment myself and quit yelling. It didn't solve anything and made him think it was okay to yell as well.

 

Hitting is not okay, especially women and especially you. That needs to be made crystal clear by his dad and you (united front) that it will never happen again. If he needs to hit something, he can go in his room and hit the pillow. Nothing else. We had to make that clear with our son when he started hitting his walls and having a tantrum in his room. You have to get literal with these kids and be very specific what they can and can not do, then stick with it. Immediate repercussions for actions out of line.

 

We are working on finding summer activities for our kiddo because we know boredom equals getting in trouble.

 

So stay strong mom and lay down the law now and be consistent.

[catz]

:grouphug: I have an 11 1/2 year old boy who is driving me bananas lately. But he never lashes out physically. I do think that might be a reason to find outside help and a positive physical outlet (like martial arts, swimming, etc etc etc) to do several times a week. I really think kids this age are starting to need peers and positive outlets to target all that energy towards.

 

:bigear: I'm listening too for ideas.

[catz]

This also gave him some autonomy, along with significant amounts of time away from Mom & younger siblings, which he really needed.

 

Hang in there. It does get better :grouphug:

 

:iagree: I find my oldest does do better when I have structured activity away from home for him at least 4 days a week.

[SunnyDays]

Becky, so sorry you're dealing with this. :grouphug: No advice but I do agree the temper and hitting can't be acceptable.

 

My son is 9 and I'm just starting to see a *hint* of pre-teen attitude. I love knowing moms like all of you who've been there, done that, and I'm starting to think I need to get him more involved in physical activities and work so that some of that is curbed before it starts!!

[AuntieM]

I am not always on the same page as James Dobson, but I found his book Bringing Up Boys to be insightful when my guys were tweens. It is from a Christian perspective, but explains some behaviors from a psychological perspective.

 

You may also appreciate Get Out of My Life! But First Could You Take Me & Cheryl to the Mall? (I think I got the second part of that title right). It talks about the fight to establish a self identity that most kids go through in their early teen years.

 

Both of these books should be available from your library.

 

Also, physical activity is key. We found the martial arts were both physical enough (full-body involvement) and demanding enough (hard!) to be a good outlet for all that hormonal tension. It was especially good for my guys, but good for my oldest daughter, too. I personally believe that hormonal shifts cause poor sleep, poor sleep exacerbates cranky behavior, and physically spent kids sleep more soundly. Pursuing some strenuous sport or activity would be my first step.

 

HTH!

[Lily_Grace]

Our issue ended up being the scatterbrainedness in the tween years. Physical activity was taken care of with scouts and archery, we added appropriate times to argue/debate during school, but the flightiness..oh my! He got closer to 13 and it started getting better, but he still has a way to go!

[sparrow]

How did you not strangle him? :willy_nilly: Oldest DS is going on 12, and developing an attitude like you would't believe. He is defiant, talking back to me, lashing out physically at his brother, and just unpleasant to be around. He actually hit me last night, which shocked me speechless. Now, he is good as gold with his dad, he just seems to take everything out on me and his brother. We have taken away all computers and video games, and limited TV time. I could use some advice from parents who have BTDT.

The only thing I can think of is trying to get him into sports, or some other activity this summer where he will have his own space, and a sense of independence. I am just in tears, thinking about what my sweet little baby has become. I know this too will pass, but how do I survive in the mean time? :confused:

 

I agree with others that hitting is not typical pre-teen behavior. I think it's important that you and your husband address it together and NOW.

 

My son is 12 and is not into athletics at all. He is a strong, active boy and scouting has been fantastic for him. He just got home from a 2-day camping trip where he was chopping wood with an ax and catching, cleaning, cooking, and eating his own fish. Perhaps look into finding an active Boy Scout troop in your area.

[AuntieM]

Just want to echo Scouts. The things your son will learn will foster a sense of confidence and achievement. It will also provide for outside physical activity.

[Upward Journey]

Also, physical activity is key. We found the martial arts were both physical enough (full-body involvement) and demanding enough (hard!) to be a good outlet for all that hormonal tension. It was especially good for my guys, but good for my oldest daughter, too. I personally believe that hormonal shifts cause poor sleep, poor sleep exacerbates cranky behavior, and physically spent kids sleep more soundly. Pursuing some strenuous sport or activity would be my first step.

 

HTH!

 

Agreeing!!!!!! :iagree:

[my2boysteacher]

:grouphug:Thanks for all the encouraging words. I am going to go online right now and see what activities I can get him involved in.

[rieshy]

I thoroughly endorse physical outlet. But don't limit it to sports or something that is just for him- hard work that benefits the family is also a great outlet. When my oldest was in the hormone fog he did a lot of mowing, wood chopping and weed eating.

 

No we don't live on a farm but we had a big yard and I went out of my way to find people in our community that needed something outdoors and physical done for them. He was often paid for his work for others, but we also encouraged/required him to occasionally do things for free for elderly people that needed the help.

 

Once when he was 12 or so he mentioned that maybe he needed to go mow or because he was having trouble concentrating on his math lesson.

[Laura Corin]

I do think that hard physical activity is key. Hobbes is fairly easy, but I'm still glad that he has lots of exercise scheduled. If he hasn't exercised on any day, I make sure that he has at least walked the dog for an hour or gone for a bike ride.

 

Laura

[DawnM]

I make my sons quote back to me the scout oath and law all the time! :lol:

 

Are you being obedient son? Are you being courteous? That attitude doesn't sound helpful or kind to me! :lol:

 

The other thing is that my boys have learned some great things from the older boys. Our boys tend to be very respectful and seeing older boys as a positive example has been awesome!

 

Dawn

 

Just want to echo Scouts. The things your son will learn will foster a sense of confidence and achievement. It will also provide for outside physical activity.

[NorthwestMom]

I love when I see a thread with a serious problem and every single responder gives excellent advice.

 

Best wishes to the OP!

[I.Dup.]

I have wondered the same thing with pre-teens in general.

 

There was a strangling incident within my family (I won't specify who, not in my immediate family) where a teen boy strangled his mother. Didn't really harm her, but she slapped him and then he stopped and his Dad came home and said he would kill him if he ever laid a hand on his mom again. He never did. :tongue_smilie:

 

I would probably punch my kid in the face if they ever hit or strangled me at those ages, I would at least smack them. You need to assert that you are still alpha in the family, he sounds like he is trying to assert dominance over you (normal for a young boy with a woman from what I hear, but he needs to be put in his place). I also agree with the exercise and hard work advice :001_smile:

[FaithManor]

"Successfully raised" is a very fluid concept! :D Survival, I think it's all about survival. I will say this, the parents in our area that have farms and on those farms they have large livestock that the kids help take care of everyday, do not seem to report this issue. I suspect there is something very beneficial about arguing whose the boss with a stubborn cow and hauling hay bales in the snow!

 

I have three boys - 12, 13 almost 14, and 15.5. The 15.5 year old can make me want to whack his head clean off his shoulders, which I do NOT do though I'm pretty certain I've fantasized about it. ;)

 

I have found that calisthetics, bike riding, or running in the morning (for inclement weather we use Wii Fit and require him to do the aerobic stuff for 45 minutes), followed by 10 minute shower, followed by a breakfast that includes a fair amount of protein (don't underestimate how much protein growing boys need....whenever we slack off and allow more carbs, the attitude comes back), and then throughout the day remind him that he can be sentenced to hard labor instead of having free time (DH has been known to make him dig a big hole in the yard and then fill it back up!) in the afternoon, seems to work very, very well. Seriously, as long as the exercise, plus the right kinds of food, plus structure, plus the right kind of incentives :001_smile: are there, he does very, very well.

 

My brother started giving my mom some of the issues the OP has described and my dad took him out and made him clean the entire cement floor of his business with a toothbrush! The next time it happened, he was given a large patch of grass to mow with scissors...(Dad was in the Air Force and I often wonder if some of his more creative disciplines could actually be memories of his less obedient moments in the armed services. :lol:) It was the mowing with scissors that made my brother decide that punching me in the arm, lipping off at our mother, and snarking at everybody just wasn't worth the outcome.

 

Faith

[mama2cntrykids]

I have a 11.5 yr. old boy and I have noticed more "crap" lately. I totally agree about the physical work. I need to get more creative about it though. A couple of weeks ago I realized that he wasn't taking care of the chickens like he should (his job). So, he scrapped all the chicken poop on the nesting boxes and then he cleaned out the dog kennel full of hay/pee and filled it back up with hay.

 

He does TKD once per week, but I think he needs something else. He's starting baseball this week and it'll go for a couple of months, then I need to find another outlet.

[Abbeygurl4]

I have 5 girls, 29, 27, 23, 21 and 9. I also have one 13 yo boy. All I can say is that I MUCH prefer daughters. :D

[Donna]

:grouphug: We didn't have any hitting going on around here but those pre-teen years are so hard to deal with as a parent. It was mostly attitude here and each incident was dealt with consistently but it really just took the boys growing out of that time in their lives before it made a difference.

 

I just wanted to offer you a btdt..."this too will pass" and encourage you to be consistent and, if need be, get counseling especially if he continues to try to hit you. That is definitely not ok.

[I.Dup.]

I have 5 girls, 29, 27, 23, 21 and 9. I also have one 13 yo boy. All I can say is that I MUCH prefer daughters. :D

 

Really??? The drama and emotional outbursts (and lingering emotions that just won't go away!) from my daughter are unbelievable! The boys are much more quick to let things roll off their backs. Granted, they haven't hit puberty yet, but I can't imagine girls in puberty would be worse than boys! How are the girls easier?

[Abbeygurl4]

Really??? The drama and emotional outbursts (and lingering emotions that just won't go away!) from my daughter are unbelievable! The boys are much more quick to let things roll off their backs. Granted, they haven't hit puberty yet, but I can't imagine girls in puberty would be worse than boys! How are the girls easier?

 

Maybe I'm just used to girls and know how to handle them. It's rough, but I know what to expect and what to do. And I think my ds is just very difficult. There are times when I just don't like him very much. I always love him, but "liking" is a totally different thing.

[AuntieM]

Maybe I'm just used to girls and know how to handle them. It's rough, but I know what to expect and what to do. And I think my ds is just very difficult. There are times when I just don't like him very much. I always love him, but "liking" is a totally different thing.

 

From your sig line, it looks like you do have more experience/familiarity with girls!

 

Personally, with couple of each, if I had to choose, I'd say the guys are easier. Yes, challenging, but more "what you see is what you get." There seems to often be a tangible fix to their issues (ie, more exercise). But wow, that debate is enough for a whole 'nother thread!

 

I think the hardest thing for me as a parent is the hour by hour flip between thinking like a girl and thinking like a boy. It's exhausting. I always think moms with single-gender offspring have it easier - but there's another debate for another thread!

[Puma Mom]

I haven't read the other posts, so pardon me if I repeat advice. This is what I've gotten from those years:

 

Hand as much of the discipline issues over to dh as you can. It's a natural part of them growing towards becoming men to balk at being bossed by Mom. Right or wrong, intentional or not, they seem to take it better from Dad, and the goal for me was to raise good men vs. remind them that I had authority over them too.

 

Come down hard on disrespect and ask dh to as well. My dh took the stance of "no one will talk to my wife that way," and it helped a ton.

 

Let the little stuff--room, personal appearance, etc.--slide. Start letting go of some of the management of his life and turning it over to him.

 

Throw uplifting words at him whenever possible--stuff that affirms his man pride. Have him carry stuff for you, reach stuff you can't easily reach, etc.

 

Send him out to volunteer in some physical way. Cut the grass for an elderly neighbor. Something. Anything that makes him feel useful and productive and gets him moving.

 

It's a marathon, so hang in there!

[TammyinTN]

How did you not strangle him? :willy_nilly: Oldest DS is going on 12, and developing an attitude like you would't believe. He is defiant, talking back to me, lashing out physically at his brother, and just unpleasant to be around. He actually hit me last night, which shocked me speechless. Now, he is good as gold with his dad, he just seems to take everything out on me and his brother. We have taken away all computers and video games, and limited TV time. I could use some advice from parents who have BTDT.

The only thing I can think of is trying to get him into sports, or some other activity this summer where he will have his own space, and a sense of independence. I am just in tears, thinking about what my sweet little baby has become. I know this too will pass, but how do I survive in the mean time? :confused:

 

Honestly, if my son or any of my children were to hit me...I would shut down their world. Mattress on floor, basic food and shelter. He would earn everything back and he wouldn't be going anywhere or doing anything until he could treat the people in his home with the respect they deserved.

[kalanamak]

 

Ds started swimming year round at that age. With 2-3 hours in the pool everyday, plus school, he didn't have the energy to be nasty.

 

:iagree: Run him into the ground.

[UmMusa]

I haven't read past your original post, but this is me right this second. I've been in tears about it the past week, and I called for a consult with his pediatrician this Thursday to discuss it. I don't know if it's normal, and if it is then I need help in parenting him through it.

[I.Dup.]

Maybe I'm just used to girls and know how to handle them. It's rough, but I know what to expect and what to do. And I think my ds is just very difficult. There are times when I just don't like him very much. I always love him, but "liking" is a totally different thing.

 

Please share your tips on the new thread I started HERE

[PentecostalMom]

:grouphug: Those are hard years.

Hang in there. It does get better :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

[Tammi K]

Hang in there. It will get better! (Or, he will get older and move out -either way a win for you!:tongue_smilie:) Seriously, I've raised 4 of the 6 to a point where they've moved out and I haven't killed a single one. (Oh, there were days....)

 

I agree with the posters who say physical activity - lot and LOTS.

 

I know you said you employ restrictions. But, keep in mind that our kids are living in a very entitled generation. Taking away a computer or ipod may not actually be enough. I actually heard a speaker talk about limiting your child's text messaging to under 200 a month. My husband turned to me and said, "Why not just not giving them a phone?"

 

We always tell our kiddos that they are entitled to food on their plate, a roof over their head, and clothing on their back. Anything else is compliments of our good graces. If your school work isn't done before skating, you don't go. If your chores aren't done before youth group, you stay home. If your room isn't picked up and your bed made, don't both coming to the breakfast table. Forget to do the dishes before you go to bed? No problem, I'm happy to wake you up!

 

Your home won't look like mine and things my kids do may make your kids cringe and vice versa. But, I think the solution is for you and your husband to decide just what the limits of tolerable behavior are and then determine just how far you will bend.

 

Then, keep your son busy with meaningful activities and expect humanlike behaviour at all times. If you don't get it, remember that outside of adequate nutrition, clothing, and shelter kids are entitled to nothing. Give to bless and expect the same in return.

 

Deep breath. Hang in there. It will get better.

[HeidiKC]

I was having this same conversation tonight with my dh about ds12 who has been nasty to brothers, disrespectful to me. Used to be so sweet. Dh said we should get him a "job" with physical labor NOW. Volunteer or paid, doesn't matter. Ship him out 6 hours/day for a couple of weeks, he isn't allowed to pollute our home with that nastiness. So I'm going to call the local community garden where they have a children's garden and he has helped there an hour here, and hour there before. They dig holes for planting, carry stuff around, pull weeds, etc. Sounds perfect and I'm sure they'll be glad to have him.

 

Good luck - I know it's hard!

[I.Dup.]

Hang in there. It will get better! (Or, he will get older and move out -either way a win for you!:tongue_smilie:) Seriously, I've raised 4 of the 6 to a point where they've moved out and I haven't killed a single one. (Oh, there were days....)

 

I agree with the posters who say physical activity - lot and LOTS.

 

I know you said you employ restrictions. But, keep in mind that our kids are living in a very entitled generation. Taking away a computer or ipod may not actually be enough. I actually heard a speaker talk about limiting your child's text messaging to under 200 a month. My husband turned to me and said, "Why not just not giving them a phone?"

 

We always tell our kiddos that they are entitled to food on their plate, a roof over their head, and clothing on their back. Anything else is compliments of our good graces. If your school work isn't done before skating, you don't go. If your chores aren't done before youth group, you stay home. If your room isn't picked up and your bed made, don't both coming to the breakfast table. Forget to do the dishes before you go to bed? No problem, I'm happy to wake you up!

 

Your home won't look like mine and things my kids do may make your kids cringe and vice versa. But, I think the solution is for you and your husband to decide just what the limits of tolerable behavior are and then determine just how far you will bend.

 

Then, keep your son busy with meaningful activities and expect humanlike behaviour at all times. If you don't get it, remember that outside of adequate nutrition, clothing, and shelter kids are entitled to nothing. Give to bless and expect the same in return.

 

Deep breath. Hang in there. It will get better.

 

Thanks for this- I'm going to use it!

[dtsmamtj]

:grouphug: Those are hard years.

 

Ds started swimming year round at that age. With 2-3 hours in the pool everyday, plus school, he didn't have the energy to be nasty. OK, not as much energy anyway ;) This also gave him some autonomy, along with significant amounts of time away from Mom & younger siblings, which he really needed.

 

Hang in there. It does get better :grouphug:

 

:iagree: Hitting is NOT ok!!1 My oldest son is now 14.5 and things are improving A LOT!!! We also took the road similar to what I quoted above only it was Cival Air Patrol. Praying it gets better soon for you!!

[JennifersLost]

I'll chime in: hard physical work and lots of it. Your dh really needs to step in and take over much of the boy parenting at this age. It's hard to let them do this, because men handle parenting and communication so differently than women. I tried for years to be in the middle of it (I have 3 sons - 19, 17 and 15) and to make them all talk to each other like I'd talk to them, before I saw the error of my way.

 

I finally realized that my way may be the "right" way, but it's not the only right way.

 

Dh gets all the boys outside digging, building, mowing, weeding, lifting, carrying, cleaning, etc., and we just moved to a much bigger property that needs tons of work - Yay!

 

The boys all start out grumpy when they get to work, but by the time they're done they're generally in a better mood, and they have become so confident and competent because of it.

 

Things also get better when they turn 16 and can get real jobs. Their egos feed on doing real work and getting paid for it.

 

It does get better, but it can be a long haul.

 

Hitting, however, is not okay at all. Your dh needs to enforce an absolute zero-tolerance rule for that. Any kid who hit me would be out the door and on the street to fend for themselves, and I'm not joking about that. I would be the one kicking them to the curb.

[Joyofsixreboot]

:iagree: Run him into the ground.

 

:iagree:

 

My two older ones had this stage and 11 yo is currently in danger of being strangled. Here we call it " testosterone poisoning".

[tori@thehomefront]

This has probably been said before - ladies here are so knowledgeable and helpful! My 11.5 year old son is entering this stage. My key "weapons" are:

 

1 - extremely limited video game / screen time - this just seems to trigger more bad behavior and attitudes, in our case

 

2 - lots of physical activity - we don't do organized sports, and ds is typically a lay-around-and-read type of kid, but I force him to go outside and find every physical chore I can when he's in a funk

 

3 - Dad's influence is huge - my ds fights with his brothers sometimes (usually not violently, just roughhousing) but he would NEVER show aggression to me, because dh would put him in his place. Even an attitude of aggression (angry speech, etc.) toward authority figures or me particularly would be addressed swiftly and thoroughly.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: It's a hard time...I sometimes wonder where my sweet boy disappeared to.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I think DH thinks it is normal behavior, as he also struggled with control and temper issues when he was younger.

I am sorry but your dh is WRONG. Out of control emotions are normal. Hitting another person, ESPECIALLY ones mom is NOT.

 

I would insist upon family counseling so that your husband/son could learn what is normal and what is not and for all of you to learn a healthy dynamic to deal with the emotional upheaval of puberty.

 

Outside of the hitting, physical exertion was key - lots of exercise. Other things that helped us ... good nutrition, helping the boy have some say in his life while still keeping clear limits, not engaging during the heat of the moment, trying to mitigate when you see a storm coming, etc. When my boys were calm, we would have discussion ... what they were going through and how they were normal to feel so out of control, what they could do to help their situation, what they wanted, etc.

[Danestress]

I have gotten three past these years. With my oldest, 11/12 was the worst age.

 

I agree that physical effort is important.

 

I also think you need to be mindful of his need to excel at things outside of the family. Whatever he likes and is good at, find a way he can work, make and reach goals, and demonstrate ability in the eyes of others. I know there is plenty in the bible you could quote against this, and we need perspective, but in a healthy way, most boys really need to be able to show what they can do. Sports provides that for some, scouts or 4H for other ,chess club ...whatever.

 

I personally disagree with the advice to turn discipline over to a DH unless dad is actually home and engaged all day. Even then, I don't think we do our boys any favors to buy into the idea that boys should not have to accept motherly authority. Your son will likely have female bosses and senior co workers. This is true even in "manly" professions. For me, I just never accepted the idea that authority was based on size or gender. My dh served 20 years in the Marine Corp and my son is cop. Neither of them would have good careers if they couldn't deal with female bosses!

 

But you also have to think about your leadership skills and figure out how to use your strengths as a leader. Good leadership is not nagging. It doesn't yell. Good leaders don't cry or lash out. They don't over punish, lay guilt trips, give in to needling, over-react. I think with boys, you have to emotionally detach a bit and keep a calm demeanor. Some boys really feel superior when they get a rise out of mom. Be above that.

 

Part of this is having a plan. Even though I find his snotty attitude off putting, I think John Rosemond's book "Teen Proofing" did a great job belong dh and I have a calm and reasonable plan.

[AuntieM]

I have gotten three past these years. With my oldest, 11/12 was the worst age.

 

I agree that physical effort is important.

 

I also think you need to be mindful of his need to excel at things outside of the family. Whatever he likes and is good at, find a way he can work, make and reach goals, and demonstrate ability in the eyes of others. I know there is plenty in the bible you could quote against this, and we need perspective, but in a healthy way, most boys really need to be able to show what they can do. Sports provides that for some, scouts or 4H for other ,chess club ...whatever.

 

I personally disagree with the advice to turn discipline over to a DH unless dad is actually home and engaged all day. Even then, I don't think we do our boys any favors to buy into the idea that boys should not have to accept motherly authority. Your son will likely have female bosses and senior co workers. This is true even in "manly" professions. For me, I just never accepted the idea that authority was based on size or gender. My dh served 20 years in the Marine Corp and my son is cop. Neither of them would have good careers if they couldn't deal with female bosses!

 

But you also have to think about your leadership skills and figure out how to use your strengths as a leader. Good leadership is not nagging. It doesn't yell. Good leaders don't cry or lash out. They don't over punish, lay guilt trips, give in to needling, over-react. I think with boys, you have to emotionally detach a bit and keep a calm demeanor. Some boys really feel superior when they get a rise out of mom. Be above that.

 

Part of this is having a plan. Even though I find his snotty attitude off putting, I think John Rosemond's book "Teen Proofing" did a great job belong dh and I have a calm and reasonable plan.

 

:iagree:

Most excellent advice, Danestress! Thanks for sharing!

[Henriettakittycat]

Kept him busy. He was in Scouts, Tae Kwon Do, soccer, youth group, school (homeschooled but it was still keeping him busy) and he had lots of chores.

 

He did cop a "stinkatude" as we called it but most of the time he was too tired to do much.

 

I also spent a lot of time doing what he was interested in. For us that meant learning to play his Star Wars Lego video game.

 

For the most part he had outgrown it by the time he was 18. He still had a bit of the stinkatude but it wasn't as bad as when he was 11-13ish.

[fischerl]

You've gotten great advice here, and I won't bother to repeat it, except to emphasize that hitting one's mother is NEVER appropriate or normal. I hope your family is able to get some practical help with this. He's obviously going to get bigger and stronger as time goes on, and you'll want to nip this now.

 

I do want to recommend a couple of books, though. They are by Bob Schultz; one is called Created for Work and the other is Boyhood and Beyond. They are written for boys in the 10-14 age range, and they helped shape my son's thinking about what it means to be a man. I suggest you make them part of his school work, so he doesn't have a choice about reading them. :001_smile:

 

God bless you as you work through this stage. Keep us posted! :grouphug:

[2boysmom]

Taking daily walks together and talking. Talking to him beforehand (without rush) of the consequences of some actions then allowing him to make decisions about things and backing off. When we are watching tv a lot of times, for example, we'll talk about how "dumb that guy is to get involved with drugs and lose his career...etc."

 

Lots of preventative stuff, when things are not stressful. Treating a teen with respect, even asking them for advice on occassion.

HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR! Laugh at yourself, laugh at things.

 

I think not being too busy to stop and talk and be flexible is key.

Talking through your own personal struggles (alot) helps foster openness.

 

Pray for them.

 

Get them involved in volunteering for kids less fortunate than they. We've done this since 3rd grade serving a local orphanage and helping AWANA. This gives them self-respect as the kids look up to them and they learn that they have it "good."

 

BTW: I have never had to limit TV or computer time. They have learned self-policing the "hard way." As in, I let them just go at it for a few days, and they realize it's a waste of time on their own.

 

I'm very happy with my two teen boys right now. (praying it continues) They are not "perfect" by any means, but they are great sons and both have good attitudes. This could be genes, a lot of prayer, but I think the above helped greatly. I wouldn't trade them.

Edited June 11, 2012 by 2boysmom