Poll: How submissive are you?

[WishboneDawn]

My wife and I are complimentarian. As I am the husband, and that is not an option on your poll, I couldn't answer using the poll.

 

I think I like your answer. :001_smile:

[desertmum]

I answered "other" because:

 

a) 8 times out of 10 we are a "hung Parliament".:nopity:

b) 1 time out of 10 I compromise and follow hubby. :001_wub:

c) 1 time out of 10 DH compromises and follows me. :p

 

I hope this makes sense.:D

[raceNzanesmom]

None of the choices in the poll really fit us. I firmly believe my dh is the head of our home and his word is final. BUT, we're equal in our opinions and listen and compromise and whatever it takes to make our marriage/parenting work. We don't always agree, but I can't imagine either one of us overriding the other. I've read statements many times like- my dh won't let me, or my dh made me. That's not how my marriage works. It has nothing to do with being a hs'er. Has everything to do with following Jesus.

[AnnaM]

I haven't read the rest of the results and comments but we are complementarian. We discuss things and should there be a tie, I WILLINGLY submit. If it is something I feel very strongly about, he will usually concede to me or we hash it out and I willingly let him have the final say. He always listens and he always takes my concerns into consideration and he is man enough to change his perspective if need be.

 

I think that submission is taken totally out of context most of the time. Yes, the Bible says that wives are to submit, but it also says that a husband is to love his wife as he loves himself. A husband who is loving his wife as himself will make decisions based on what is best for her and as a result it is quite easy to submit because I know he is making the decisions that he feels are God-led, best for me, decisions. It isn't about him making me cook his dinner, or making me clean house. It is about him loving me so much that I WANT to do those things for him. It is about me loving him so much that I am willing to let him have the final call in "tie breaking" situations.

 

I hope that makes sense. I am hopeless at explaining these sorts of things.

[fraidycat]

I voted "in between". We are mostly equals and discuss things until we are in agreement (or compromise), but when push comes to shove and decisions need to be made, he usually leaves it up to me. He lives by "When Momma ain't happy, then nobody is happy."

 

Edit: I had DH read the poll options (with vote results) and he figured there should be a lot more "Matriarchal" votes. Maybe we're a Matriarchal household? I've never really thought too much about it beyond my "My hubby wears the pants in our family... I just tell him which pair to wear." quip if it ever comes up in a conversation.

Edited May 29, 2012 by fraidycat

[Jennifer3141]

Where's the option that says: "Well, once in a while, after the kids are in bed, just for fun....."

 

?

 

:thumbup::blushing::lol:

 

 

No! No! No!

 

An afternoon babysitter is just awesome for this! It feels so much more naughty and decadent. Wanna borrow my crop? :D

[cottonmama]

Our marriage isn't described by any of your options. To me a patriarchal marriage means that the husband regularly dictates things and the wife submits to his decisions without question. (At least that's the connotation that word has to me; I don't mean to be defining the label for those who consider themselves patriarchal.) In contrast, my husband rarely dictates anything, and when we disagree, he often chooses to honor my preference, either because my logic wins him over :D, or more likely, because he feels less strongly about it than I do.

 

However, my attitude is that he always has the final say. So on the one hand, I myself fit in the #5 category... but he doesn't, and I have to say, that combination has produced a very peaceful marriage. :)

 

(I should note that he and I are in agreement on the wife's role being to submit to her husband... it's just that he focuses on the "love your wife as Christ loves the church" part of his role, not on the fact that I'm going to submit to whatever he decides.)

Edited May 29, 2012 by cottonmama

[SweetBean]

Our marriage isn't described by any of your options. To me a patriarchal marriage means that the husband regularly dictates things and the wife submits to his decisions without question. (At least that's the connotation that word has to me; I don't mean to be defining the label for those who consider themselves patriarchal.) In contrast, my husband rarely dictates anything, and when we disagree, he often chooses to honor my preference, either because my logic wins him over :D, or more likely, because he feels less strongly about it than I do.

 

However, my attitude is that he always has the final say. So on the one hand, I myself fit in the #5 category... but he doesn't, and I have to say, that combination has produced a very peaceful marriage. :)

 

(I should note that he and I are in agreement on the wife's role being to submit to her husband... it's just that he focuses on the "love your wife as Christ loves the church" part of his role, not on the fact that I'm going to submit to whatever he decides.)

 

This is how I would describe my marriage as well.

[Caitilin]

I don't think there is any "submitting" going on here on either side.

 

The subject has never come up. We just keep on keepin-on and get it done.

 

Ayup, this is how we roll too. :D

[BakersDozen]

My dc say I should have voted "Matriarchal" because the truth is I call the shots on just about everything in our life. My dh is wonderfully supportive of my ideas and ways of doing things. We discuss things but I am the decision maker, mostly because my dh wouldn't make a decision to save his life and if he tries it's usually the wrong one (his words, not mine!). Plus he knows that if he tried to "lay down the law" he would be faced with something like this: :huh:.

 

It works for us (thank goodness!). Had I married anyone who was stubborn (like me) or set in his ways (like me) it probably would have not worked.

 

My ex-bil once told me I was one of the least submissive, most disrespectful women he knew. I said, "Thank you!" ;) His submissive wife ended up leaving him shortly after that, interestingly enough, as did his next submissive wife. Hmmmm....

[PIE!]

I haven't read all the replies, but to the OP...

 

We're completely equal. Neither of our opinions outweighs the other's.

 

BUT - often I'll ask him to please just make the decision, and I'll go along with whatever he decides. I hate making decisions and it's my way of getting out of making it.

 

So am I submitting to him since he's making the decisions? Or is he submitting to me by obeying my request that he make the decision? Either way, it works for us.

[Jpoy85]

I voted other. i submit when he annoys me over and over. :lol: Otherwise he submits so i am quiet.

[LaxMom]

We're equal partners. I defer to him at times, when it's something he cares about more than I do - and he does the same for me.

 

This is how it works for us, as well.

[Parrothead]

In theory we are equals. That said each of us have our own area(s) of expertise. I take care of a lot of the household areas with minimal input from dh. Even then neither of us submits to the other. We each have valid opinions and equal say in the marriage. It is rare that we are not eye-to-eye on matters. If we aren't we table it.

 

We do have a rule that if either of us has to spend more than $100 on any single item we should at least mention it prior to purchase. This keeps me from buying expensive shoes and dh from buying expensive electronics. :D

[happymomofboys]

This was hard. I wanted to say that we're equals, because I submit to him in some things and he submits to me in some things (like asking me before he spends money). I realize he does that, though, because I'm the one who knows the balance of all our accounts. Since I do believe he is the head of our family, if I've made my reasoned plea and he still puts his foot down about something, I do submit to him. So I finally settled on answering "in between."

[mamajag]

We're not Christian so it's not coming from a Biblical perspective, but in 98% of things I submit to him. I have my input, but the final decisions are his. However, I handle the finances and he is submissive to me in that matters and usually things that involve the kids. It's hard for him to be totally in the flow of what's going on around here when half the time he's in another part of the country. So I voted 4, but it's more like 4.5.

[mamajag]

We are not very religious-- at least by religious homeschooling standards.

 

But it became painfully clear to me about 5-7 years into my marriage that unless one of us gave, our marriage was doomed. My husband definitely was not going to be the one to surrender so I made the conscious decision at that point to pick one or two hills to die on-- and acquiesce with/ submit to him on everything else. We started to get along a lot better at that point and I would say our marriage is pretty good at this point, especially considering some of the problems we've had.

 

But my motivations weren't particularly religious.

 

That sounds pretty much like what happened with my marriage. We are both happier as a result.

[mamajag]

When I hear the word submissive, I think of the bedroom. Yes, I am submissive there, but it's more of an act. I am quite the exhibitionist :tongue_smilie:

 

Yeah, that's my first thought with the word submissive, too, but tea wasn't mentioned so I tried to behave. :leaving:

[mamajag]

Where's the option that says: "Well, once in a while, after the kids are in bed, just for fun....."

 

?

 

:thumbup::blushing::lol:

 

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

[mamakim]

I think that's just another common misconception about homeschooling families. I don't have any facts or figures, but it would seem reasonable that we would run the gamut of every possible lifestyle option.

 

The only thing 90% of homeschoolers have in common is the Kilt Thing. ;)

 

:D Well, and the movie "Princess Bride" . . .

[kwickimom]

We are in between....

 

I would submit to dh if he ever made any decisions. :glare: He leaves all the decision making to me and so I run the place. I do ask for his input but his answer is usually "whatever you think."

 

However, I want to move FAR FAR away from here and he doesn't, so we stay. Its the only thing in life he will not listen to me about and the only thing I don't feel like making an executive decision on because then I wold have to find a place to live, buy a house, find him a job....etc etc and its just too much money and too much work right now.

[kewb]

I voted egalitarian but my kids seem to think we are matriarchal in our family dynamic. From their eyes it probably does appear that way.

[lillybell]

I feel since we both decided to get married and we both decided it was ok to have a family, well then we both have a say on what goes on in any decision making. We tend to agree on most things but we do butt heads on others. In the end, I would say that I win 75% of the time. :001_smile:If I clearly see that he is wrong in something, there is no way I am going to go along with it and he knows it.

[jubilation]

I voted egalitarian.

 

We each have certain areas that we are in charge of, but still ask for input from the other party.

[stripe]

I think we are egalitarian. My husband thinks I, and all my female relatives, are firmly in control.

[mamakimberly]

My wife and I are complimentarian. As I am the husband, and that is not an option on your poll, I couldn't answer using the poll.

 

Haha, well, I thought about wording it he/she, wife/husband... but that just seemed awfully wordy. Feel free to answer as your wife would ;). Or just mentally substitute the words needed to make it applicable.

[pfamilygal]

I'd like us to be egalitarian. He'd like us to be patriarchal. We're somewhere in between. :)

 

MamaK, would you say that is accurate?

[fischerl]

I don't see this as patriarchal, although I suppose some might. In a way, we're like a company with a president and vice-president. The president leaves most decisions of the day-to-day operations to the VP and only rarely pulls his 'president' card.

 

:iagree: Well said.

[mamakimberly]

I'd like us to be egalitarian. He'd like us to be patriarchal. We're somewhere in between. :)

 

MamaK, would you say that is accurate?

 

Yes, I would say that is accurate- and difficult for you! Very difficult!

 

Love you!

 

(Anyone reading this- she's my sister)

[Dustybug]

I voted patriarchal, because in the end we go with my husbands decision. He doesn't make every little decision in our lives, and he always takes what I have to say into consideration. More often then not, he will say whatever I think is best and I move accordingly, but in big things, we talk it over, lay out our stances, then go with what he decides. Because we are so alike in our outlook and family goals, very rarely do we disagree on a course of action and there is no need to submit to his choices though. I just want people to understand that being submissive to your husband is not necessarily this controlling, biting my tongue, yes dear, do it- like it or not kind of life. We have a mutual respect and very often on the rare occassions that we do disagree, he will come around to my way of thinking. But in the end, yes if we don't agree, we go with what he wants.

 

I just don't fit....

 

I agree with true Biblical submission, not the mess that some ultra-conservative christians have made of it (IMO). However, for two reasons, I can't really vote that. First, I think that Biblical submission is much closer to equal (but respecting differences of gender, individual, etc) than most people understand. Second, I stink at it. LOL

 

I'd like to think that my marriage is wholly submitted to Christ because that's what my dh and I think is most important.

 

We are equally forgiven and justified...we are equal heirs of grace and we both try to submit to Christ.

 

As a side note, dh takes full advantage of my position as his greatest helper in this life and many times my opinion, view, desires win out. Many times, I defer to him after much thought and prayer by both of us. All things considered, at an impasse I defer to him.

 

I don't know what label to give it because I'm more concerned about the first thing I said, even though our individual actions contribute to that submission to Christ. LOL I'd say that my submissiveness is appropriate, loving, and helpful in the context of our unique marriage of personalities. :) I don't think I can "measure" it.

 

I didn't answer the poll, btw.

 

:iagree: I also want to add that there are many things that he has deemed "mine" for me to decide because he recognizes when they are my areas of strength and his weaknesses. A huge example is the boys' schooling. He will listen to whatever I say, give feedback if I ask, support me with whatever I need, but then it is ultimately up to me to determine their educational futures.

 

I'm not a doormat by any means, but he is the spiritual head of our house, and he is also the breadwinner. I am respectful of these major roles. We discuss everything, but his decision is what is final (this usually means he's compromised with me in some way so we are all happy) .

 

I haven't read the rest of the results and comments but we are complementarian. We discuss things and should there be a tie, I WILLINGLY submit. If it is something I feel very strongly about, he will usually concede to me or we hash it out and I willingly let him have the final say. He always listens and he always takes my concerns into consideration and he is man enough to change his perspective if need be.

 

I think that submission is taken totally out of context most of the time. Yes, the Bible says that wives are to submit, but it also says that a husband is to love his wife as he loves himself. A husband who is loving his wife as himself will make decisions based on what is best for her and as a result it is quite easy to submit because I know he is making the decisions that he feels are God-led, best for me, decisions. It isn't about him making me cook his dinner, or making me clean house. It is about him loving me so much that I WANT to do those things for him. It is about me loving him so much that I am willing to let him have the final call in "tie breaking" situations.

 

I hope that makes sense. I am hopeless at explaining these sorts of things.

 

:iagree:with all of the above bolded. I didn't answer the poll. I don't equate submission with inequality and neither does my DH. I do view him as the head of our household and he does have the final say if we can't agree on something, but rarely does it come to that. Submission doesn't mean compromise is never reached. It doesn't mean that I never "get my way." It doesn't mean that I am at my DH's beck and call while he behaves like an overbearing jerk. I think the very idea has become so skewed by those who are at both extremes of the spectrum that what true biblical submission means is lost in it all.

[Veritaserum]

The person who gets the final say is the person who feels more strongly or is more affected by the decision. Sometimes I get the final say, sometimes dh does. We are equal partners and co-heads of the household. No hierarchy or patriarchy. :)

[Scuff]

I voted in between- submissive. If it came down to it, that some important decision had to be made immediately, I'd let him ahve the final say if we disagreed. In practice, we tend to hash things out until we come to some sort of agreement. I have a more compliant personality and he's more of a leader, so Sometimes people assume I'm a doormat. But I have no trouble telling him what I think about things and he usually wants to make me happy. ;) Most of the time, I win. :D

 

In general, I don't think there's a right answer to this question. Each couple has to figure out what works for them. Biblically, it says that a wife should submit to her own husband. That's going to look different for everyone.

Edited May 29, 2012 by Scuff

[Lab1]

:D I'll admit it. I'm one of the folks who replied:

 

In between- My husband submits to me, but not in all things.

 

But that was our deal going in. I had more experience, and while only 1 year older, had handled a lot more responsibility over the years, so I was to take the lead. I told him, (see told!) that I didn't want to live my whole life that way, so he needed to grow and catch up. He has, and now we're heading towards the pendulum swinging the other direction. :)

 

P.S. I took your question to me in the Webster sense of the word, since you didn't post this as CC only or such.

 

Our marriage has been more like this. I've been slowly weaning my responsibilities over to my DH as he grew up and was capable. He's nearly raised at 34!

 

We have always gone with who had the strongest opinion wins. My DH has a few important topics that I'm happy to let him have as he gives me the same courtesy. I run just about everything. I try to get my DH involved in big decisions and he listens, but thinks that I have researched well and he likes my choices. I can't think of a single issue in 13 yrs that I've made that he didn't like. I can only think of one that he made that I put my foot down and demanded that he fix as it was taking too much time away from home and too hard on me and the kids (and I was pg and terribly sick!). I'd like to say we are a team, but I honestly call the shots 95+% of the time. If it has to do with computers or electronics I'm happy to let him go. He insisted that I needed a smart phone when I thought I didn't need one. He got it and I love it!

[Mergath]

We're mostly egalitarian, skewed a bit towards the matriarchal side. We pretty much decide everything together, but when we do disagree, dh usually defers to me. It wasn't something we sat down and worked out ahead of time, but it's just sort of naturally worked out that way because I'm usually better able to see the bigger picture and plan ahead. Honestly, if I felt compelled to defer big decisions to him because of our religious beliefs, our life would be a train wreck.

[Aelwydd]

I just don't fit....

 

I agree with true Biblical submission, not the mess that some ultra-conservative christians have made of it (IMO). However, for two reasons, I can't really vote that. First, I think that Biblical submission is much closer to equal (but respecting differences of gender, individual, etc) than most people understand. Second, I stink at it. LOL

 

 

:iagree: and :lol:

[Aelwydd]

The person who gets the final say is the person who feels more strongly or is more affected by the decision. Sometimes I get the final say, sometimes dh does. We are equal partners and co-heads of the household. No hierarchy or patriarchy. :)

 

:001_wub:

[Joanne]

Other because there can't be equality in our marriage due to medical issues.

 

I don't believe in submission - either direction.

 

Edited to add: I want to say I *understand* how marriages function and the words of people when they say equal but he has final say. I just can't ever agree that this is equal. I'm not mistaken about my understanding - I just disagree. My current boss is less credentialed than I am, we cooperate, collaborate, and discuss. He has "final say." We are not equals.

Edited May 30, 2012 by Joanne

[kalanamak]

I picked number 2. You could say we defer to whomever something is most important to, but he is so oblivious to many rather standard parts of life (keeping car tabs renewed, changing underwear before you start to feel itchy in there, having a yard not full of junk), I end up "caring" about 1000x more things than he.

 

Also, I work about 12 hours per day, between work, schooling, and house work. If I get 2 hours a day out of him, on average, I'm over the moon. Thus, I get tired-and-grumpy rights. :) He knows he has the life of Reilly.

[Crimson Wife]

I hate the term "submit" because it makes the wife seem like a doormat. Instead, I say that I look to my DH for leadership of our household. If our family were a football team, he'd be the quarterback. Now a good QB knows how important it is to listen to his players' input and to take that into account when making plays. But just like a football team wouldn't be successful if every player tried to be the QB, a family functions best when the spouses don't engage in power struggles.

[Catwoman]

I hate the term "submit" because it makes the wife seem like a doormat. Instead, I say that I look to my DH for leadership of our household. If our family were a football team, he'd be the quarterback. Now a good QB knows how important it is to listen to his players' input and to take that into account when making plays. But just like a football team wouldn't be successful if every player tried to be the QB, a family functions best when the spouses don't engage in power struggles.

 

So basically, he gets to throw the ball around, but if he messes up, you get to sack him? ;)

 

I like the sound of that......... :tongue_smilie:

[Isabella]

I vote equals, but that's how I feel - not necessarily now my DH feels it should be. Since my cancer last year, and many other life changes, I've emerged from the 'submission' thinking. My Dh is still there mostly, but through my new-found strength and purpose, he is slowly being brought into the here-and-now.:001_smile:

 

I still do believe that the man should be head of the home - certainly NOT in a dominating way, but in a loving, supporting, caring, providing way. I look on that as a HUGE responsibility. I also see it as not hindering equality between husband and wife. I still think the opinions of each should matter equally. Of course - someone has to give in if there is a difference, so the person who feels most strongly about the issue should be able to prevail. If both feel equally as strongly, I possibly would submit here (with the right to say told-you-so if it didn't turn out well! :lol:).

[Isabella]

Spam reported!

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

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:spam: reported :seeya:

[Wheres Toto]

I put equal but according to the little guys, I'm "the bossiest mom ever" and dh is "the silliest dad ever" so that gives you an idea of who handles most of the kid discipline. ;)

 

Dh doesn't get involved in schooling decisions except he asked me to give ds the CAT test this year to see where he fell. Not a big deal so I did. I usually will tell him when I'll be buying stuff although I have my own low limit credit card that I use for most purchases so I can keep track of them (plus they are almost all online).

 

Dh and I are both very laid back so finding a compromise on things isn't really hard. We do discuss pretty much anything that will have an impact on the other person and anything that would impact our finances (purchases or changes in income).

 

I make a lot of the decisions involving my oldest but since dh is the one earning the money, he has a lot of say in things like buying her a car, what college she attends, etc. Luckily he treats her completely like she's one of his own so we haven't had any issues there. It was part of the deal when we discussed my being a SAHM that he then needed to be willing to financially support her. He's actually probably more generous with her than I would be.