Holding a child back for non-academic reasons??

[Tree House Academy]

My ds8's birthday is Sep. 29 which is just a few days from the cutoff in my state. He is very small in stature and still very inmature for his age. However, he is academically pretty advanced. His work is excellent and he has tested within "able to skip a grade" range (according to our cover school) for two years straight.

 

My quandry is that he is really smart, but really small and inmature. My husband and I have been on the fence about holding him back "on paper" while moving him forward academically just to change his peer group overall (at church, in Scouts, etc).

 

Because I wouldn't be holding him back for academic reasons, though, I have really been torn on what to do. What says the hive?

[susankenny]

I would place him with the peers he is best suited for. An 8 year old in 4th grade seems very young anyway. Here that would be grade 2 or possibly 3.

 

Susan

[swellmomma]

I held both of my bigs back in 5th grade because they were immature and I felt they were not ready for heading into junior high after only 1 more year, that they needed 2. I had ds8 do grade 1 twice due to his birthday falling where it does. I had to register him as grade 1 the first year but if I put him in public school he would have only been placed in K. I will be doing the same with dd4 when she is 6, having her register grade 1 2 years in a row. Each time has been due to maturity, though it benefitted their special needs too. I wanted to give them the best chance of reaching a certain level of maturity as they reached each new stage of schooling. On paper they were held back which made them often the oldest/most mature in settings like scouts, camps, lessons etc. Academically it didn't make much difference, we just kept moving along as they needed.

[HeidiKC]

My ds8's birthday is Sep. 29 which is just a few days from the cutoff in my state. He is very small in stature and still very inmature for his age. However, he is academically pretty advanced. His work is excellent and he has tested within "able to skip a grade" range (according to our cover school) for two years straight.

 

My quandry is that he is really smart, but really small and inmature. My husband and I have been on the fence about holding him back "on paper" while moving him forward academically just to change his peer group overall (at church, in Scouts, etc).

 

Because I wouldn't be holding him back for academic reasons, though, I have really been torn on what to do. What says the hive?

 

Well, that's my ds12's birthday and he was also academically advanced and I think he could have very easily moved up a grade and still been ahead. But the cutoff here is July 31, so luckily it wasn't an issue for us. I will say that he was always bored in school, and partly because of that I've began homeschooling him after 4th grade. But I definitely wouldn't have wanted him with the older kids where he'd been the youngest in the class (if we had a later cutoff date and had the option). He's tall, but I think he wouldn't have fit in as well. Part of it is that he was never super-confident and somewhat shy. If he'd been very athletic, confident, outgoing maybe it would have been ok for him to the be the youngest in the class.

 

So I'm probably not being much help, but my advice is to hold him. Sounds like your state has a very late cut-off date. I'd think most states would have a cutoff date of August-September. I'd rather my child be too far ahead academically than too far behind physically/socially/emotionally. Either way will be a bit tricky.

[angela in ohio]

My little guy is academically fine, but I held him back - with a late June birthday - for other reasons. My db was held back with an August birthday, and it was great for him, and that has been a big influence for me.

 

I don't think I'd push a boy ahead if he didn't make the cut-off. And I definitely wouldn't make an 8 yo a 4th grader. I would say he was barely a 3rd grader, or possibly a 2nd grader if he missed the cutoff.

[Catwoman]

I think what really matters here, is what your ds prefers. Would he rather be with kids his own age, or with slightly younger kids?

[jamijoy]

My son has a July birthday and we've decided to hold him back. He is at the older grade level with his work (so he's a 2nd grader doing 3rd grade work), is average size, and about average (maybe a little ahead) maturity, but I think he'd still benefit from an extra year at home when he's 18.

 

I figure if he's still ahead in school work when he's older, he can start doing college courses in high school. Really, my fifth grader who is in the age appropriate grade level will have to do the same thing, so that's not an issue for me.

 

I did notice when he was younger that he was a bit too mature compared to the kids he was in a class with, but it's gotten better now that he's a little older. He had a hard time when he followed the rules but the kids who were in his 'grade' level (it was pre-k) still weren't good at following the rules in games. Now that the kids at his level are older, it's evening out more.

 

If your son is in a lot of activities with other kids, I think I'd hold him back so that his size and maturity doesn't become an issue. He can still continue with the advanced work...a big benefit of homeschooling. :)

[wapiti]

Why can't you keep him in his social activities in the level corresponding to his maturity, and continue keeping his school grade "on paper" where it is? His official grade level for school (assuming you are required to report a grade level) does not have to be the same one you use for church and Scouts.

 

No, I would not "hold back" on paper an accelerated learner.

 

(As an aside, I have a very small accelerated learner who attends school. There is No. Way. I would hold my ds back for his size and his general dorky-ness.)

[scrappyhappymama]

We had a similar situation with our son and decided to split the difference. His birthday is in June, but he is very small for his age and somewhat immature. But he is also academically advanced. So it was a dilemma.

 

We already school year round, so our grade levels were already a bit ambiguous with regard to the traditional school year. I ended up pushing forward the end date of one of his school years to the end of the calendar year instead of the end of the school year or end of the summer. We did it during a year with a big move and a new baby, so we took off more time than usual and it didn't stand out too much to him. So now his school year starts in January. We didn't "hold him back" a full year, but enough so that practically speaking, it will give him an extra year at home in the end. Only adjusting by a half year also gives us more flexibility to adjust forward or back in the future if we decide to.

 

Sports-wise and for other activities, it gives us an option to go strictly by his age or by his grade, and we are able to make the best choice for him in each instance.

[nmoira]

I usually place the girls with age mates. My eldest would have been in fourth grade this year, so I say she's in fourth. I think of it privately as honours level fourth. :001_smile:

[Crimson Wife]

Yes, absolutely with an immature boy with a birthday close to the cutoff. DS did "transition" this year instead of moving on to 1st even though academically he was doing fine. However, his attention span and physical writing ability were not where I wanted it to be starting 1st. His birthday is 3 weeks before where the cutoff was the year he started K (the state is in process of gradually moving up the cutoff from 12/2 to 9/1). For social activities and classes I had already been putting him in with kids a bit younger so now the grade for our cover school matches.

[Jennay]

In my state, my 8 year old DS is just finishing up his second grade year. He is academically advanced but still a 2nd grader.

[gevs4him]

We placed our ds as if he would be in public school for all activities so he would be with children his own age and maturity. We school year around, go with the flow and do not worry about grade level assignments.( at this time unless someone asks - no one needs to know he works above grade level) Since your child is at the cut off I would do what is in his best interest and place him with peers he can relate to and enjoy himself.

[AimeeM]

Same boat here. A's birthday is in August, just a week or so before the cutoff. She is SUPPOSED to enter middle school next year, but we are strongly considering retention.

[EKS]

I would not hold him back on paper, but I would try to place him with his social peers in things like scouts. Is that possible?

[bettyandbob]

I don't know how your cover school works.

 

My ds was old for his grade. After a couple of years of homeschool he went to a private school that teaches an advanced curriculum. After a few months my son decided he needed to skip a grade and his dad and the school director agreed. I was over ruled (I skipped a couple of grades myself). I thought it was a bad idea for social reasons. He stayed there a while and then came home for middle school. He then went to public high school and is graduating in a few weeks. Skipping was fine academically. I don't think my son was ever challenged until he hit upper IB level classes in high school.

 

When he was homeschooled I gave him material appropriate to his learning level regardless of his grade. So, we did Rainbow Science year 1 in second grade because I could not find an elementary science program for him. I had to be very careful about literature because novels for a middle or high schooler hit on topics and emotional content not appropriate for the young elementary student. History we followed WTM closely, but we used logic stage materials in early elementary. In middle school I followed the high school recommendations. He was still listed as middle school--no need to change that, I just found stuff closer to his intellectual ability at the time. If you can't choose the curriculum you are using, then I would look for significant enrichment activities in his interest areas. Music, Robotics, developing foreign language skills, having him meet minimums for grade level assignments and giving him more in depth assignments in favorite subjects.

 

Because of my ds's grade skip, I am graduating a very immature kid. I would say he is at least 2 years behind in behavior/decision-making/social understanding. He's disorganized (way beyond what just about anyone can conceive) and arrogant. I wish he had another year to chill in school. Dh sees that now too. Ds is starting to see that too and is making post graduate plans based on the deficits he recognizes he has (he will not take steps to work on these skills now with mom and dad though, he just is acknowledging the problem).

 

Because of my 2 grade skips I was really socially out of it in college. The second grade skip was my decision--I hated school so much I wanted to graduate high school early. Once I did that I would have been better off taken at least a year to work, do service, participate in an exchange (if there was money), before college. It would have given me a year to grow into myself, mature and be something more than this odd girl who was waaay younger than everyone.

 

It's hard to take back a grade skip. You can accelerate and graduate high school early. So, if your ds is mature and ready to take that on when he enters 8th grade, you can plan out high school according to that need. He can take responsibility for the decision and follow through when he works through middle and high school. If he doesn't follow through and accumulate the high school credits he needs early, then perhaps he wasn't mature enough to take it on. And thats OK! Better to grow and make mistakes while still at home, then to rush out of the house.

 

I would not have an 8 year old make the decision. He may have an opinion, but really there are very few 8 year olds who wouldn't like to be able to say they skipped and they are very smart, etc. Being able to handle the academic work and being mature enough for early graduation/moving to adulthood/college responsibilities are completely different things.

[LisaKinVA]

After being told not to, 7 years ago, because child was "so smart," but very immature in many ways, we did repeat 6th grade. He was so not ready for middle school.

 

My younger son has a whole slew of different issues, but is incredibly immature, and as a bonus, dysgraphic, and is also being held back (on paper). I am not slowing his academic progress down.

 

BOTH children would have failed the K entrance exam based upon maturity issues (although the younger also had lack of fine motor skill development there, too).

 

You're educating the whole child, not just the academic person. And, as someone who has been there with asynchronous development, it is VERY possible to have a kid who can continue to grasp higher order thinking in math/science and be completely dumbfounded, to the point of panic, fear and self-deprecatory comments in English/History (and vice-versa). There is a huge jump in the logic stage. If they lack the maturity, it will rear it's ugly head, and it is not pretty.

Edited May 11, 2012 by LisaK in VA

[G5052]

A good friend of mine has spoken at homeschool events for many years and owns a homeschool-related business. She has said over and over that the number of reasonable, loving parents she's heard of who regret holding a child back is very, very small. She also observed that it never hurts to be one of the older ones in a class.

 

Mine have always been grades ahead in ability, but I have held them back at times in certain areas, and my homeschool paperwork always gives their age-appropriate grade level. This year I held one back from a class that was ability-appropriate, but they would have been the youngest by six months and my gut said that we needed a year more to mature. I am so glad I did. They had a big year of physical and emotional growth, and it will mean so much more next year.

[Tree House Academy]

Thank you all for such wonderful advice.

 

My heart truly tells me to make the "hold" on paper...of course not changing him academically. However, my hand (brain) can't seem to make the click (I re-enroll online).

 

Unfortunately, it is too late for the two peer groups of which he is already a part. In scouts, he just graduated from "Bears." He has completed that material and received his bear patch. He is excited to move on to Weblos I in the fall. In church, he has been in the same Sunday school class for three years and he is excited to move up with the rest of his peers to the later grade class. Being homeschooled, he gets along with most children no matter what the age...and Biblical head-knowledge is one of his major strong points.

 

Our umbrella school requires that they spend at least 180 days in a grade level in order to pass on to the next grade level. I can hold him back (have him repeat a grade level) at any time...but to skip a grade, he has to have a composite score on the standardized test of 7 or above (which he already has). If I hold him back a grade, that score goes up...so, hopefully, if I did hold him back, I could later also skip him ahead if I felt like his maturity had advanced.

 

I really hate being on the fence about this...but I am. I can't seem to get a clear picture in my mind of what high-school will look like if we DO hold back versus if we do NOT. It is frustrating. When I think that I am ready to move him on up to 4th grade, I start doubting...but then when I think I have decided to hold him back, I go back to doubting that too. haha! I am a mess!

 

As for his age/grade: In our state, the cutoff is Sept. 30. His birthday is Sept. 29. If he had been born two days later on Oct. 1, this would not be an issue and he would be finishing up 2nd grade this year (entering 3rd). My older son has an August birthday and there have been many times I wish I had held him back. I didn't and he is a VERY inmature 8th grader right now. :( Academically, he is half-way through 8th grade and will start high-school level classes in Dec. However, his maturity is more like someone getting ready to enter 7th grade. There is really nothing I can do, at this point. He intends to go to high school at some point and holding him back at this late stage is just not an option (likely, he would freak out and go live with his father). I don't want to make this same mistake with my younger son and have him get too old for me to be able to hold him back comfortably.

[Matryoshka]

I "grade-corrected" my dd last year. She has a Dec. birthday, so a couple months past the cutoff, but she was working well ahead in K/1st. But I was noticing that socially she was if anything on the young side and preferred to play with kids her own age or younger. I still have her working at the same level as before; she hasn't actually repeated anything. Just her grade number changed.

[rocketgirl]

We started our daughter "late". Our cut off was July 1, her bday was end of April, May were always the youngest kids when I taught kindergarten. We started her late because we were starting her in public school preschool & she just wasn't ready, emotionally, & she was so tiny compared. If my child wasn't in public school, I wouldn't think about holding them back or starting late, unless it was for academic reasons. They will only be formally compared to their peers for academic reasons at this point, like with standardized tests. The size & emotional issues will even out in the long run. Ours is now "older" for her grade, still small or "average", but scores so high on standardized tests for her grade.

[chiguirre]

Unfortunately, since he's ahead with both cubs and Sunday school, I think you'll have to just stick with the grade he's in. Those are the 2 areas I held Geezle back in because of his social skills issues and it worked out really well. All of his other extracurriculars are much more loosely grade based, so holding him back isn't as obvious or necessary. You could also have him do a "gap year" before highschool where he gets to explore his own interests before deciding what he wants to focus on.

 

Good luck!

[Kathryn]

We will be holding back DS on paper this year despite academic advancement. The two places he won't be held back are scouts and church. I've read that it's not uncommon for boys to do webelos II twice, so we plan on doing that to get him on track at that point. In Sunday school, he will stay with his friends, though we may hold back before moving to youth group when the time comes.

[NanceXToo]

My daughter started out in public school k as a 4 y/o. Her birthday was on the 10/1 cutoff date.

 

The following year they changed the cutoff date to 9/1 so at that point she'd have missed it by a month, not a day.

 

I pulled her out of school at the end of third grade and homeschooled her the end of that year, all of fourth, and all of fifth.

 

This year for sixth I made a decision. While she was doing well overall academically, I thought she'd get more out of her middle school (and subsequently high school) reading, writing and research assignments if she had an extra year of age and maturity under her belt. I felt the same way about life after school- I'd rather she move into the first phase of adult life at 18 instead of 17.

 

So we decided to stretch 6th grade out over a two year period. We have been doing all curriculum materials at half pace and supplementing to make it "enough." nearly dine with first year of 6th- will complete it next year!

[Dana]

I really hate being on the fence about this...but I am. I can't seem to get a clear picture in my mind of what high-school will look like if we DO hold back versus if we do NOT. It is frustrating. When I think that I am ready to move him on up to 4th grade, I start doubting...but then when I think I have decided to hold him back, I go back to doubting that too. haha! I am a mess!

 

As for his age/grade: In our state, the cutoff is Sept. 30. His birthday is Sept. 29. If he had been born two days later on Oct. 1, this would not be an issue and he would be finishing up 2nd grade this year (entering 3rd). My older son has an August birthday and there have been many times I wish I had held him back. I didn't and he is a VERY inmature 8th grader right now. :( Academically, he is half-way through 8th grade and will start high-school level classes in Dec. However, his maturity is more like someone getting ready to enter 7th grade. There is really nothing I can do, at this point. He intends to go to high school at some point and holding him back at this late stage is just not an option (likely, he would freak out and go live with his father). I don't want to make this same mistake with my younger son and have him get too old for me to be able to hold him back comfortably.

 

I appreciate this thread.

Our state's cutoff is Sept. 1 and my son's birthday is Aug. 29.

We started school for his age, so he's completed 4th grade now and we'll start 5th in June (we school year-round).

I'm really torn as well about whether to have him repeat a year so he'll go to college at 18 turning 19 rather than at 17 turning 18.

He doesn't have trouble with academics and I don't see maturity issues... but....

 

If we do a repeat, we'll probably do 5th or 6th again.

It's just not an easy decision.

 

Best of luck making yours!

[jennynd]

DD4's school asked us to place DD in K next school year. (she should be in 4 yo PreK) We told them no. Academically, she is working most 1st grade and 2nd grade now and that is their reasoning to have her goes K early. But her writing is horrible. she write 2, 3, 5 flip sides. And she has a very bossy personality. We like that.. We want to keep her in her age group so she can develop her very much leadership personality.

[ScoutTN]

We will be red shirting DS this fall, keeping him in PreK at church, because he needs more time to mature socially and has a late June birthday. We will do whatever academic work he's ready for this fall - Kindy level most likely. Holding a child back doesn't affect sports activities here because they are based on age, not grade in school.

[Mary in VA]

I felt the same way about life after school- I'd rather she move into the first phase of adult life at 18 instead of 17.

:iagree: I think this is an important point to consider when making this decision. My 17 yo dd has a birthday of October 12. Our state cut-off is Sep 30, but of course since we homeschool we could do what we wanted with this. We chose to follow the cut-off and I am so glad we did. She will be 18 in the fall of her senior year. She is solid academically, socially and very mature for her age. She would probably do very well in college if she went this fall, BUT she will do even better next year. She is dual enrolled and earning college credit, she is making wise decisions, and having a chance to get more experience under her belt in the areas that interest her and leadership opportunities. I see nothing but advantages from following the cut-off.

 

Do you really want your son going to college at 16 or 17? Do you want him to be hanging out with kids 2 years older than he is when they get to high school. Age differences that aren't really noticeable between 8 and 10 seem MUCH bigger between 13 and 15, or 15 and 17. Just some things to think about.

 

Mary

[love2read]

There was another similar thread awhile back that many of us replied to and I added a follow up link from the high school board that might help you in this decision too.

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=369590