Liberty Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I need everyone's opinion. Do you/would you allow your 13yo ds to do the following: 1- Spend the entire day at his girlfriend's house and, taking it a step further.... 2- Go on vacation with girlfriend and her family Please give me your reasons why/why not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in the Kootenays Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I wouldn't let him go on vacation with girlfriend's family because I wouldn't be encouraging him to think of himself as half of a couple. I might consider all day if there was a specific reason that he'd be there but not just to hang out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renee in NC Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I need everyone's opinion. Do you/would you allow your 13yo ds to do the following: 1- Spend the entire day at his girlfriend's house and, taking it a step further.... 2- Go on vacation with girlfriend and her family Please give me your reasons why/why not. Not at 13. At 15, my oldest does spend the whole day at his girlfriend's (and I have no control over the whole girlfriend thing - his father supports it.) However, they don't stay at her house - they go over to the mall most of the time, or go to the pool in her neighborhood. We live in the middle of nowhere, so this is his way of being able to be "in town" sometimes. If *we* lived in town he would simply go to the mall and see her there, so the fact that he is at "her house" is simply one of logistics. As for the vacation - I was going to let him go to Scotland with her family (where they are from), but not just down to the beach. The Scotland trip would have been a once in a lifetime opportunity for him, but the beach is not, KWIM? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dayle in Guatemala Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I guess I wouldn't. I think 13 is too young for that type of a situation. It's too young to spend that much time with one person (even with her family he will be with her) and it's maybe creating feelings that, at 13, it's too long of a wait for them to be able to make a committment. I don't know that it's a safe thing, emotionally, for either of them to be that involved. That's just my opinion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose in BC Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 We have told our children that exclusive dating isn't something we would encourage until they finish high school. I have no problem with boys and girls participating in group activities together but I don't see the benefit of one on one dating at such a young age. We've talked this way to our kids their whole lives. I will say this is how I was raised myself so I know the first hand feelings my kids will have with this stance. But as an adult I'm happy my parents made this decision for us. I will also say I have one child in particular who will test us in this area probably more than the others. I recognize the feelings that are awakening in my older children and we talk about it with them. I would be hard pressed to let my 13yr old go with anyone else on vacation let alone with his girlfriend. These are my thoughts. It's a difficult topic because I realize the pressure kids face when it comes to dating/boyfriend-girlfriend issues. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teamturner Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 We have told our children that exclusive dating isn't something we would encourage until they finish high school. I have no problem with boys and girls participating in group activities together but I don't see the benefit of one on one dating at such a young age. We've talked this way to our kids their whole lives. :iagree: This is how we are teaching our dc. Even if we were to allow dating before the age of courting to find a mate, it certainly wouldn't be at 13. Letting a child go on any kind of trip with a girlfriend would be encouraging the relationship and allowing it to get more serious. I'm of the opinion that 13 yo kids do not have the maturity for serious romantic relationships. But that's just my opinion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sharon in SC Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 We have told our children that exclusive dating isn't something we would encourage until they finish high school. I have no problem with boys and girls participating in group activities together but I don't see the benefit of one on one dating at such a young age. We've talked this way to our kids their whole lives. :iagree: Our mantra is, "There is no good reason for boys and girls to be in exclusive relationships prior to being of marrying age." :) The emotional and, potentially, physical cost in young relationships is just too great. We, too, totally encourage *group* activities in an effort to spare our kids the sacrifices that are made too often in exclusive relationships. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Dominion Heather Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I wouldn't do either... because I taught two seventh graders who went through a pregnancy scare. They grew up with moms who were best friends and the two moms just assumed that they were hanging out together. Well... they were hanging out... they were just having sex while they hung out. They were 13 and 12. The girl, 12, had only had her period about 6 months. These were good kids, the girl was in the gifted program, a straight A student. The parents were totally clueless. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plucky Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 No. I am trying to encourage my kids not to date too early. I think love interests at too young an age thwart potential growth. They are a distraction to learning more about life and oneself. There is so much to do, learn, and experience and I think boyfriend/girlfriends are too big a distraction. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riverfront Headmistress Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 No. No. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 "I wouldn't let him go on vacation with girlfriend's family because I wouldn't be encouraging him to think of himself as half of a couple." and "I think love interests at too young an age thwart potential growth. They are a distraction to learning more about life and oneself. There is so much to do, learn, and experience and I think boyfriend/girlfriends are too big a distraction." and "It's too young to spend that much time with one person (even with her family he will be with her) and it's maybe creating feelings that, at 13, it's too long of a wait for them to be able to make a committment. I don't know that it's a safe thing, emotionally, for either of them to be that involved." I have an almost 18yo ds and I doubt I'd want him to go on vacation with a girl & her parents either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sharon in SC Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 No. I am trying to encourage my kids not to date too early. I think love interests at too young an age thwart potential growth. They are a distraction to learning more about life and oneself. There is so much to do, learn, and experience and I think boyfriend/girlfriends are too big a distraction. :iagree: Exactly! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
E_Edgerton Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I went on a vacation with one of my friends at that age (we were both around 12). Her older sister 15 at the time was permitted to bring her boyfriend along. Her parents were very involved in all parts of the day and they had very little time to be alone. I remember thinking how grown up it seemed! (a lot of giggling if we saw them hold hands or kiss) hehe....I think it really depends on the family and how the vacation is going to be spent (planned agenda vs. anything goes) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klmama Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 1. There's no point in spending so much time together at this age. They are too young for marriage, and allowing them to spend so much time together just increases their temptation to do things that are not appropriate outside marriage. Better to spend time their limited time together with the whole family or with a group of friends under adult supervision - which means adults actually seeing them and being able to hear what is happening. 2. Ditto. No sense purposely allowing so much time together, as it may increase temptation or emotional bonding at too young an age. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJN Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 the others who are against it said. We lean towards courtship at an age when you are old enough to get married and start a family though. HTH! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clwcain Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 No and No. No, that was a preemptory "no". I have a whole bag of "no" where that "no" came from. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 My 13 yo (who by the way has already started having interest in girls) wouldn't even consider asking. I agree with Dayle and my teens wouldn't tempt themselves into getting into emotional (or otherwise) relationships with the opposite sex at these ages. My son believes in such things a little younger than the rest of us so I think it will come up in the older teen years unless he completely takes on our Bible-based belief system in this regard by then, but even he wouldn't think 13 is an appropriate age. <I'm terribly afraid that the above sounds judgmental. These are our Bible-based conscience led beliefs and we do not hold other people to our standards. Though I think there are good reasons for our beliefs and that the consequences of not going this route could be harmful, it is not place to judge. I was simply stating our beliefs for our family> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gamommy Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Agreeing with many other posters, I'd say "No" to both. We're basically 'courtship' minded. My dh (public hs teacher) has seen way too many teenage realtionships take painful turns, not to mention pregnancy risks, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VaKim Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 No. For all the reasons already listed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy loves Bud Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I have a whole bag of "no" where that "no" came from. Maybe we can starta No store, because I've got a lot of it, too. :001_smile: I can imagine a lot of downside and very little, if any upside to that situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rockermom Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I was allowed to start dating at 13 and my answer would be a forceful NO. Even good kids can be tempted or pressured to do things they will regret for a very long time. No, No and an extra No for clwcain's bag. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynn Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Is this a family you know very well or have known for years? How much alone time will they have? If I knew the family for a long time and knew they had the same values and there would be constant supervision then yes I would allow this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I'm in the No and No camp for the reasons already listed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
74Heaven Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I need everyone's opinion. Do you/would you allow your 13yo ds to do the following: 1- Spend the entire day at his girlfriend's house and, taking it a step further.... 2- Go on vacation with girlfriend and her family Please give me your reasons why/why not. There is absolutely *no* value in encouraging closer boyfriend/girlfriend relationships with 13-16yos. Think of how irresponsible and immature teens are - they aren't ready for the emotional elements; let alone the physical relationship. It will hurt badly and damage them emotionally the more they have given in time, emotion, affection, heart-to-heart sharing when the relationship (almost 100% for sure) ends prior to marriage. This time is much better invested with like-minded same sex friends. lisaj Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaMere Academy Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I need everyone's opinion. Do you/would you allow your 13yo ds to do the following: 1- Spend the entire day at his girlfriend's house and, taking it a step further.... 2- Go on vacation with girlfriend and her family Please give me your reasons why/why not. No way. Now my oldest is almost 14, so I've not dealt with older teens yet, but my rule so far is no dating period until you're an adult. I really don't see the point. I've told my children it's best to wait until after college to start taking the time to date, until then you need to focus on your education. Now I'm sure it won't happen, but I think it's a good seed to plant. Young people are too emotional and too likely to think "this is the one" when they really know nothing about relationships. I've seen too many young people throw away their education and /or future for a relationship that of course didn't last. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holly IN Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 NO WAY to both questions :D Why?? We do not encourage dating before they are ready (meaning when they are ready to be married or an adult). Too much temptations on both situations. We are more on the lines of Courting. Several friends of mine and us do allow supervised get togethers with our children's friends (boy/girl mixture) but no dating style or even courting style get togethers. More like family get together among friends. My emphasis is it is too tempting in any situation!! Holly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TN Mama Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 a resounding "uh-uh" from me as an answer to both questions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 No, and no. (For *all* the reasons others have already mentioned.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kris Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 No -- not at 13 and not now that he's 16, either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brindee Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Well, I'm joining the "NO" crowd! We also have talked with our kids about this and will be doing courting, NOT general dating. Before they're looking for a mate, when they're adults, and ready, they're just too young, and the temptations are overwhelming for them. I couldn't trust someone else with my young teenager, it would be hard to keep constant track of them. I wouldn't want to put tht responsibility on my friends! Notr dangle the temptation in front of my teenager! My oldest ds is 17 now, and will be a senior in highschool next year. Someone aasked him if he had a girlfriend in school. He said, "No, that's not what is important right now." I was proud of that answer! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Not at 13. My 15 year old ds is still not allowed to do either of those. We don't mind him dating and are not going the courtship route, but ds has the tendency to hyper-focus/obsess with things, including relationships. He actually sees a psychologist regularly for this very thing. Sooooo, we have to put limits on how long he can see his girlfriend, especially with unplanned time. He also has phone call time limits with her. If ds, did NOT have this problem, then I would have no problem with 1 or 2. I should mention that ds's girlfriend has Aspergers which combined with his hyper-focusing, just magnifies the situation, hence the shorter time periods spent together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura K (NC) Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 nt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeckyFL Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 In my opinion, they are too young. We don't encourage relationships like this until they are more mature. I think it's just throwing them into situations before they're ready. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liberty Posted June 26, 2008 Author Share Posted June 26, 2008 I want to thank everyone for their replies. I agree with all of you, but am having a disagreement with dh. Thankfully, I found out today that dh does support my opinion that the vacation idea is out of the question. Unfortunately, he has allowed our ds to go over to girlfriend's house for several hours at a stretch. I'm very uncomfortable with this, but this is girlfriend #2 that dh has allowed ds to hang out with and I'm beginning to wonder what kind of mothers do girls these days have? I don't know what to do or how to convince my dh that it's too dangerous of a road to go down. My dh and I are in complete agreement that we want our dc to lead Godly lives, abstain until marriage, go on to college, etc, etc.. BUT, my dh's opinion is that our ds can be trusted and that as long as he gets good grades and is trustworthy, we should let him go over to his girlfriend's house. I think I'll print off all of your replies and let him read others' opinions. Please pray for me that it either will change dh's mind or that my mind will be at peace and my ds kept safe as things are now. Also, to answer others' questions, I do not know this girl's mother, but the background does scare me a bit. The girl's stepdad committed suicide last year and Mom, imo, seems to run a pre-teen frat house (ie. every kid in the neighborhood and beyond hang out there day/night). There's no drinking and I'm told that the family are good people, but it still frightens me. Another side note--one that I was reluctant to, at first, disclose: my ds has admitted to "making out" with the first girlfriend when over at her house. This was when he was 12yo. I'm sure everyone's eyes are bulging out of their heads now, right? Well, you can understand the torment I'm going through over this issue. I love my dh, but I think he is being dangerously naive right now. Please pray. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Staci in MO Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 And I kept my grades up, and I could be trusted, and I was a good girl from a nice family. And I still say NO! Nothing good can come of this. Kids this young have no business being in any sort of dating relationship. Relationships expend too much emotional energy. There are too many other things for teens to focus on. This quote said it best: Young people are too emotional and too likely to think "this is the one" when they really know nothing about relationships. I am also a little wary of your description of this girl's mom. She may be a good person, but I've seen a lot of mothers who get way too wrapped up in their teens social lives. I realize that's an uninformed judgment, but I didn't get a good feeling when a read "pre-teen frat house." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kim in SouthGa Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Not for 10 more months, but I can't imagine him even having a girlfriend yet. We have decided to go the courting route, and that won't begin for several years yet (I hope). From my personal experience, as a once 13 year old girl, I say no way, no how. It's amazing what you can get away with, even with parents at home.:tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracey in TX Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 I need everyone's opinion. Do you/would you allow your 13yo ds to do the following: 1- Spend the entire day at his girlfriend's house and, taking it a step further.... 2- Go on vacation with girlfriend and her family Please give me your reasons why/why not. ROFLMBO:lol: DCs may have boy/girlfriends whenever they feel the emotional connection. That will include talking, texting, hanging out at our house for brief periods of time. No 13y/o needs to be spending entire day at BF/GF's house or going on vacation. That opens up pandora's box to include: a. couple issues (not ready for intimacy) b. placing couple over self or friendship c. allowing privileges for later years d. too much too soon, what's to desire later? DS had a 'girlfriend' in 4th grade. Her parents and I talked to establish ground rules, but they spoke once on phone ("Will you be my girlfriend?" and didn't talk again 'til they 'broke up'. I'm fine with the innocence in this. Wouldn't allow anything more than that for years. Minimum dating age (IMO) is 15, but DH wants it to be later-16 or 17. So, there's no hope for a couple vacation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 I am watching the whole boy/girl thing closely because my son is 12 and my daughter is 14. For me it would depend entirely on the whole situation, our relationship to the other parents etc. I could say, oh, I would never allow my children at this age to have a boyfriend/girlfriend, but I am not going to say that, because if they came home and told me they did- someone at Scouts or whatever- I would work with it, not go against it. I might well try and discourage it, but I doubt I would just say "no". In my reality, in my situation, no, I probably wouldn't allow them to spend the whole day together at the other parent's house unless I knew the other parent was completely freaked out and over protective as I am. Probably have to be another homeschooler, because it seems pretty common for schooled kids to have boyfriend/girlfriends at that age. I would chaperone. I would invite the other child to my own place.I might allow them to go to a movie. No, I wouldn't allow a holiday together. I know what i was like as a teenager. But, I couldnt possibly say what someone esle should do...I am on the overprotective side, but everyone knows their own child best. its an area that is going to be different for each family. I can also imagine a rare situation where a boy and girl have been friends for years and obviously have a deep bond....I could see that being different to the normal scenario. I am sooooooo glad even my 14yo dd is not there yet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura K (NC) Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 I'm surprised the girl's father and mother aren't concerned. Is your son mature enough to be a father? My 13yo son isn't. My 15yo son isn't, either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kris Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 My oldest ds is 17 now, and will be a senior in highschool next year. Someone aasked him if he had a girlfriend in school. He said, "No, that's not what is important right now." I was proud of that answer! As well you should be -- that's terrific! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 I would have a summer bbq and invite the girlfriend and family over. I definitely think that you should know the other mom. Otherwise how could you make any judgments on what kind of supervision they are getting? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Targhee Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 1) no - neither a a best boyfriends' house. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 2) no way - hormones and rational thinking are too at of sync at this age. The longer time they spend together worse. It's like the frog in the pot of water analogy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 No and No. No, that was a preemptory "no". I have a whole bag of "no" where that "no" came from. :iagree: and ROTFL Seriously though, 13 is way too young to be encouraging a relationship one on one. We lean toward courtship as well and encourage group activities. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sandy in Indy Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 :iagree: Our mantra is, "There is no good reason for boys and girls to be in exclusive relationships prior to being of marrying age." :) The emotional and, potentially, physical cost in young relationships is just too great. We, too, totally encourage *group* activities in an effort to spare our kids the sacrifices that are made too often in exclusive relationships. This is absolutely our stand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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