Teen's personality - change or leave it alone?

[Amethyst]

Ugh. How much can we encourage qualities in a child's personality once they are teenagers? I'm wondering how much influence I can still have on my son's personality at this point. Is it too late to encourage certain behaviors? Do I just have to accept that his personality is set and leave him be? I'm not talking questions of morality.

 

As an example, ds17 is a follower. He's warm and funny and social, but when it comes to deciding what group of kids he will go with to the prom, he will defer to his date's wishes. He stays home most Friday and Saturday nights unless someone else makes the plans, and then he jumps at the opportunity to go out. Is that something we have any influence on at all at this point? My dh (and me to a lesser extent) encourage him to be more assertive, but then he gets silent and depressed from our pressure.

 

There are other examples though. My other son19 is just lazy. We demand that he do some chores, but he frequently needs to be reminded. If dh does not tell him to go exercise, ds19 would never move his body.

 

But I frequently think that this is just the way the boys are. I grew up in a family of non-interferers. My dh's family,however, interfered constantly. Dh will give me all sorts of scenarios of what will happen to our boys and who they will end up being like (always an unflattering comparison to someone we know) if we don't change their bad habits now. Some of what dh says makes a lot of sense. The boys have certain bad traits that I really wish they changed. On the other hand, I just don't know how much to push.

 

Ugh. Anyone have any experience with this sort of thing, or are we the only ones that try to micromanage our kids' personalities?

[SailorMom]

This is why teens should move out at 18, especially boys. :)

As for the first son you mention - I don't see a problem with any of that. That's just who he is.....

The older son, well - you may not like it, but there isn't anything you can do about it. You can insist he live by your rules while he lives under your roof, but he's an adult, for heaven's sake.

I firmly believe that most of our influence as parents ends at 12. Really. 12. We can guide, give advice, etc., but after 12 they need to decide who they want to be. Their life is their own, and especially after 18, parents need to let go and let them live their life and become who they will become.

[ma23peas]

Ugh. How much can we encourage qualities in a child's personality once they are teenagers? ....

Ugh. Anyone have any experience with this sort of thing, or are we the only ones that try to micromanage our kids' personalities?

 

Yes, I have experience. Not trying to sound preachy or proselytize..but it is what worked for us! Last year, our 16 year old son was struggling..low self-esteem, laziness, just no 'mission' in life...the nagging and constant reminders just made it worse. One day, he was caught in a lie about schoolwork and video games and his father and I sat him down. For us, this life is not about making ourselves happy (teens often gravitate towards that mission), but this life is about being a servant..having a servant's heart and owning what God has done for us. My son then went into a bit of a tirade about "WHy are we even here, why would God 'do' this to us, why not just send us to Heaven and get it over with"...OUCH!! his father and I shared how if we just ask God for guidance, lead a life that honors Him, he will give the desires of our hearts (things we do not even know yet)..we asked him for 3 desires of his heart at that point...we vowed to pray for him, but that he would have to pray on his own...God wants to be asked and praised! Reluctantly and a bit defeated, he agreed. I told him in ONE year, we would come back and have a talk to see how God has worked in his life.

 

WOW!! I would cry if I were not so overjoyed with my son's changes!! Two weeks after our meeting above, events led us to find rowing for him. He has been doing it 11 months now...he is headed to the regionals in FL as a first year rower!! He has more friends than he knows what to do with and he has served people in very special ways that God has brought in his path...a world of difference from last year! Even his younger sisters get to see the transformation and it has strengthened their faith...

 

So, as parents, for us, no...there is not much we can do to change things, but if we let go and let God lead us..there is MUCH we can do! For our family, He is a supernatural presence that rights the wrongs, lifts the weary and provides a compass....

[Rebecca VA]

This is a very good question and one we've had a lot of conflict with over the years. My husband is a non-interferer almost to the point of outrageousness. He passively allowed his dad to quit his job at age 53 (my husband was 12 when this happened, but even at that young age he had to work to pay the tuition for the private school his dad had enrolled him in) and sponge off him and his brothers for 30 years! Every month we used to send my FIL checks for hundreds of dollars because no one had had the guts to tell him no. My husband hates conflict and will avoid it at all costs. It's maddening to me and has been very harmful to our children, who need his guidance.

 

I tend to be the opposite, because I grew up without a mother and made many, many mistakes that I wouldn't have made if someone had watched over me more closely. When I see my children, especially my daughter, about to mess up, I speak my mind. This bothers my husband a lot. He thinks I should leave our kids alone and let them make their own mistakes. I could probably do less micromanaging, but honestly, I'm trying to overcompensate for what my husband doesn't do.

 

My real feeling is that kids are born with a basic personality, and you can't do much to change it. However, you can train them to be polite, civilized people who have a decent work ethic. I also think you can lead by example. Some children are slow to mature and don't show the fruits of their training until they're well into their teens or later.

[fairfarmhand]

see, I;ve had these thoughts as well.

 

My oldest is ummm....generally unpleasant to be around. At least around her family.

 

I find myself wondering if she will grow up to be "that" relative. The one that everyone tolerates and later on laughs at behind her back because they know it all and have lousy interactions with everyone.

 

My dh seriously pities the man she marries, if she keeps on going in this vein.

 

I realize that everyone matures and grows out of certain things, but I do worry, "What if she doesn't?"

[Rebecca VA]

Ma23peas, your post was so beautiful. Thank you for sharing that.

[fairfarmhand]

Yes, I have experience. Not trying to sound preachy or proselytize..but it is what worked for us! Last year, our 16 year old son was struggling..low self-esteem, laziness, just no 'mission' in life...the nagging and constant reminders just made it worse. One day, he was caught in a lie about schoolwork and video games and his father and I sat him down. For us, this life is not about making ourselves happy (teens often gravitate towards that mission), but this life is about being a servant..having a servant's heart and owning what God has done for us. My son then went into a bit of a tirade about "WHy are we even here, why would God 'do' this to us, why not just send us to Heaven and get it over with"...OUCH!! his father and I shared how if we just ask God for guidance, lead a life that honors Him, he will give the desires of our hearts (things we do not even know yet)..we asked him for 3 desires of his heart at that point...we vowed to pray for him, but that he would have to pray on his own...God wants to be asked and praised! Reluctantly and a bit defeated, he agreed. I told him in ONE year, we would come back and have a talk to see how God has worked in his life.

 

WOW!! I would cry if I were not so overjoyed with my son's changes!! Two weeks after our meeting above, events led us to find rowing for him. He has been doing it 11 months now...he is headed to the regionals in FL as a first year rower!! He has more friends than he knows what to do with and he has served people in very special ways that God has brought in his path...a world of difference from last year! Even his younger sisters get to see the transformation and it has strengthened their faith...

 

So, as parents, for us, no...there is not much we can do to change things, but if we let go and let God lead us..there is MUCH we can do! For our family, He is a supernatural presence that rights the wrongs, lifts the weary and provides a compass....

this is my hope.

 

I know that my carping and nagging is not working.

 

We have had a few of these discussions but so far it hasn't sunk in--that her attitude about life is her own decision.

 

But I have prayed constantly and hope that she will be open to God's leading in her life.

[Murphy101]

I don't really want to change my teens. They're awesome guys!

 

It sounds like your post is less about personality than habit creating.

 

I TRY, not always successfully, to encourage good habits. I tell my kids that part of growing up is learning how to overcompensate for our weaknesses. I am terrible about being disorganized,but no one knows it because I overcompensate big time. I see much of that in my boys. At 19, I wouldn't be telling him to exercise. If you haven't tried or been able to successfully get him active by now, I don't see it happening soon. I'd tell him to walk to work and leave it at that. (And yes, I would do that. I do exactly that with my 17 yr old.)

 

I also ask them about once a year what 3 things they are interested in and we work to deepen those interests.

 

As for being a follower or not. I didn't see that in your posts. They obviously decided upon a girl friend or other friends. They just sound easy going to me. My own dh is very much like that. Because of that, his mom has often thought I "make" all dh's decisions. LOL no. Dh is easy going because most of the time he either doesn't care or agrees. The second that changes, he is decidedly not easy going anymore. Dh is not a follower. He is just highly selective about what he thinks is worth arguing over. And once he decides it is, he likely isn't going to argue over it, he's just going to do what he has decided upon. Be careful what you wish for momma! Your ds might decide he doesn't want to listen to you any more!

 

So rather than nag them, I try to focus on their interests and habits. Once I know what they are interested in, I can help them see how a change of habits can help them with whatever they are interested in.

 

Just as a side note, cutting off funding is a great motivator for finding an interest and changing habits.

[Haiku]

This is something my dh and I have been discussing in regards to our dd17. I think we have settled on "her personality is what it is at this point."

 

Your ds17 sounds fine. Why does he have to be in charge and make all the decisions? If he's happy letting others take the lead, and he's not getting himself into dangerous situations because he's unable to assert himself, then don't worry about it. He can be a happy, kind, productive young man without having to be a take-charge kinda guy,

 

With your 19 year old, well, I wouldn't interfere in his exercising, and with the chores thing, I wouldn't see it as a "changing his personality" issue but rather a "guidelines for living here" issue. If my 19 year old lived at home but wouldn't do chores without reminders, we'd have a discussion about me coming to visit him in his new digs, where he could do chores or not but also finance on his own.

 

Tara

[KungFuPanda]

You have to tomato-stake their heartstrings to your apron skirts . . . or something like that.

 

 

I don't know either. :glare:

 

 

Honestly, though, as husband material goes, your DS17 sounds like he'd be much more pleasant to live with than your DH or his family. :D

[Amethyst]

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone.

 

I do have to comment, though, that I find it interesting that no one here seems to think it is important for teens to be assertive. Really? What about peer pressure? Don't you think that learning to be assertive is the way to combat peer pressure? Laid-back and easy-going sounds nice on paper, but when does that become just being a bump-on-a-log? And if it's not important, why do all the colleges want to hear about all their leadership experiences? I'm sort of confused that no one here seems to find those qualities important.

[regentrude]

I do have to comment, though, that I find it interesting that no one here seems to think it is important for teens to be assertive. Really? What about peer pressure? Don't you think that learning to be assertive is the way to combat peer pressure? Laid-back and easy-going sounds nice on paper, but when does that become just being a bump-on-a-log? And if it's not important, why do all the colleges want to hear about all their leadership experiences? I'm sort of confused that no one here seems to find those qualities important.

 

You wrote in your original post:

As an example, ds17 is a follower. He's warm and funny and social, but when it comes to deciding what group of kids he will go with to the prom, he will defer to his date's wishes. He stays home most Friday and Saturday nights unless someone else makes the plans, and then he jumps at the opportunity to go out.

This does not indicate to me that he is not assertive - it means these are not issues that are important to him. Really, which friends to go to the prom with is a very minor decision. The fact that he is not making plans for weekends can simply mean that he has no overwhelming desire to go out.

I am married to a very principled, strong man who lets me make all plans for social and cultural outings because it is important to me, but much less important to him.

 

I find it important that teens stand up for the issues they care about. You did not say anything about that. your description just shows a young man who is very easygoing and has no particular preferences when it comes to socializing. What about issues he believes in strongly, behaviors that are important to him? Does he stand up for these?

 

(As for college: I find the harping on "leadership" overrated and a misrepresentation of actual life- unless the definition of leadership is made so broad as to include any half-way motivated, inspired behavior.)

 

ETA: generally, I think at age 17 personality and character are formed. You can insist on certain behaviors that make living together easier- but you can not expect to change a person.

[Murphy101]

I 100% agree with regentrude.

[J-rap]

I firmly believe that most of our influence as parents ends at 12. Really. 12. We can guide, give advice, etc., but after 12 they need to decide who they want to be.

 

Gosh, I don't agree with this at all. I firmly believe that you can have influence over your kids far beyond age 12, and if they have respect for you as their parents, for a lifetime! (in a healthy way)

 

I think a couple things that have worked to motivate our kids are

 

1) Challenge them to do something far out of their comfort zone, but with a reward. For example, one of our daughters was really into music -- singing, playing her guitar, etc, but never seemed to go anywhere with it. My husband challenged her to write five pieces of original music (including lyrics), and for each piece, he would pay her a set amount of money. It was a time when she desperately needed money to go on a choir trip, and we weren't going to just "give" it to her. Each piece had to be professionally done, and performed. This was extremely difficult for her to do -- though it got easier with each piece. The reward was enough to motivate her.

 

It turns out it was the ticket to the next level for her. It really brought her out of her shell, got her creative juices working, and changed her life.

 

2) Do things as a family that you hope he will eventually do alone. You will be his model. For example, at one point my husband decided he needed to motivate our son. He signed up for himself and my son to be part of a biking event across our state. (It was a fundraiser.) My husband did most of the planning, but would sometimes delegate smaller tasks to our son. They went on bike rides together to prepare, gathered everything they'd need for the trip (a week's worth of camping), and participated in the event. It was an amazing time for them both, and after that, our son began planning his own bike outings and events. (And eventually biked solo across Europe.)

 

But I think an important thing to remember throughout, is to NOT make your son think that he is doing it wrong now, or that what he is doing isn't good enough. Teens take everything so personally and defensively. Just leave that out of it altogether.

[AK_Mom4]

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone.

 

I do have to comment, though, that I find it interesting that no one here seems to think it is important for teens to be assertive. Really? What about peer pressure? Don't you think that learning to be assertive is the way to combat peer pressure? Laid-back and easy-going sounds nice on paper, but when does that become just being a bump-on-a-log? And if it's not important, why do all the colleges want to hear about all their leadership experiences? I'm sort of confused that no one here seems to find those qualities important.

 

No. I don't think being assertive is a good thing. Confident, yes. Good sense of what's right and what's wrong, yes. But assertive? No, Not a real desirable quality in my book. As an adult, I would rather work with a person who is easy to get along with and good at collaboration than someone who needs to assert themselves all the time. Blech.

 

A good team player who also has the ability to work independently is worth their weight in gold. Sounds like that's your 17yo. As to the older one - sounds to me like he just needs time to mature and some independence away from home (job, school, something) so that he can determine what it is that HE values (as opposed to what's important to the parents).

[Night Elf]

What about peer pressure? Don't you think that learning to be assertive is the way to combat peer pressure?

 

You may not know what, if any, peer pressure he has handled. Just because he doesn't care where he goes for prom doesn't mean he hasn't said no to the important things such as drugs and alcohol. My dd19 isn't always assertive, or a leader, but she's a loyal, hard-working person. She lets others choose entertainments but she doesn't give in to the offers of smoking, drinking, and doing drugs. She thinks those things are nasty and usually comes home if the people she is with choose to do those things. I guess it can look like she's a bump-on-a-log if she's home when her friends are out, but it sure seems like a good choice to me when considering the alternatives.

 

I am sure there are colleges that want to see lots of extracurriculars and leadership roles, but I'm also sure that kids who don't have those things can go to college too. Perhaps it depends on what college you want to go to, but I would think that should be decided at the start of high school so the student can make sure to get in lots of those things to put on his transcript. I don't think worrying about it at age 17/18 is going to be helpful.

[Amethyst]

This does not indicate to me that he is not assertive - it means these are not issues that are important to him.

 

(As for college: I find the harping on "leadership" overrated and a misrepresentation of actual life- unless the definition of leadership is made so broad as to include any half-way motivated, inspired behavior.)

 

ETA: generally, I think at age 17 personality and character are formed. You can insist on certain behaviors that make living together easier- but you can not expect to change a person.

 

Well...I wrote that he was a follower, doesn't that seem like someone who is not assertive? Hmm. I guess not necessarily, now that I think about it, but it's what I was thinking as I wrote it. And I don't mean assertive in the negative way. I mean someone who has some gumption. People who take no initiative for their own social life drive me crazy bcause they expect me to do all the work in teh relationship.

 

And I totally agree with the fact that colleges overplay leadership.

[Murphy101]

People who take no initiative for their own social life drive me crazy bcause they expect me to do all the work in teh relationship.

 

Um. No they don't. That is what you expect to do because you feel a desire to do it.

 

They probably couldn't care less either way, much less expect anything.

 

You want to hang out for coffee - great. No problem.

You don't want to hang out for coffee - great. No problem.

 

When it matters to them, they'll let you know.

 

When it matters to you, they figure you'll let them know.

 

When you gripe that you have to make the initiative, they are rightly annoyed bc this is what you want so why do you expect them to get it going?

[Murphy101]

Assertive people do drugs too. Heck, they might even be pushers.

 

In my opinion dealing with peer pressure is more complicated than that.

 

If anything easy going kids might not because they just don't get caught up in pressure in general.

[Mom2absh]

Well...I wrote that he was a follower, doesn't that seem like someone who is not assertive? Hmm. I guess not necessarily, now that I think about it, but it's what I was thinking as I wrote it. And I don't mean assertive in the negative way. I mean someone who has some gumption. People who take no initiative for their own social life drive me crazy bcause they expect me to do all the work in teh relationship.

 

And I totally agree with the fact that colleges overplay leadership.

 

I think it depends on how your son responds to his "lack of assertiveness" - is he unhappy if no one plans anything? Does he blame others if no one suggests anything or if the only suggested activity is one he doesn't like? These responses are emotionally unhealthy and might be what your dh is thinking of when he lays out his doomsday scenarios. You don't want your ds putting others in charge of his happiness by not speaking up for himself, and this might be something you could help him with. But if he is content, then that is his personality and a lot of good can come from that! He might end up making his wife very happy!:D

[Ellie]

But I frequently think that this is just the way the boys are. I grew up in a family of non-interferers.

This is a bigger problem than his behavior: thinking that is *boy* behavior and not immature young person behavior. It has nothing to do with gender.

 

 

My dh's family,however, interfered constantly. Dh will give me all sorts of scenarios of what will happen to our boys and who they will end up being like (always an unflattering comparison to someone we know) if we don't change their bad habits now. Some of what dh says makes a lot of sense. The boys have certain bad traits that I really wish they changed. On the other hand, I just don't know how much to push.

Seems to me that as long as children live with us, we are responsible for helping them to learn good behaviors. I guess it might depend on what you think of as "interfering constantly."

[regentrude]

People who take no initiative for their own social life drive me crazy bcause they expect me to do all the work in teh relationship.

 

But he may really, honestly not care.

Could he be an introvert by any chance? Not all introverts are shy and awkward - it just mans that socializing with people is not something he has an urge to do and that, while going along with somebody else's plan, he might be equally happy just to hang out by himself.

Your son very likely does not expect you to do anything about his social life. He is probably just fine.

[OH_Homeschooler]

Ugh. How much can we encourage qualities in a child's personality once they are teenagers? I'm wondering how much influence I can still have on my son's personality at this point. Is it too late to encourage certain behaviors? Do I just have to accept that his personality is set and leave him be? I'm not talking questions of morality.

 

I really believe, and I think research will back this up, that personality is largely set when egg meets sperm. There is a little bit of flexibility and some things you can learn to act in a way that is not in line with your personality, but you are going to be who you are.

 

For example...

As an example, ds17 is a follower. He's warm and funny and social, but when it comes to deciding what group of kids he will go with to the prom, he will defer to his date's wishes. He stays home most Friday and Saturday nights unless someone else makes the plans, and then he jumps at the opportunity to go out. Is that something we have any influence on at all at this point? My dh (and me to a lesser extent) encourage him to be more assertive, but then he gets silent and depressed from our pressure.

 

This sounds to me like introversion. If he is warm and funny and social, but doesn't mind staying home on the weekends, what is wrong with that? Why do you feel this is something that needs to change? And in fact, introversion is one of those personality characteristics that you really can't alter much and there is a biological basis for it. Introverts are physically affected differently when they ingest caffeine than are extraverts.

 

Clearly your son is not reacting well to your attempts to change him. I would not push it if I were you.

Edited May 3, 2012 by OH_Homeschooler

[Carol in Cal.]

I would first watch for other signs of planning and initiative.

Does he plan projects for his education? Does he plan decor? Does he plan how to buy and maintain a car?

 

I would want to think through whether he has ANY initiative before deciding what to do. Then if necessary I would teach planning methods--those are key life skills--but I probably wouldn't encourage him to use them in any particular area of his life but rather would leave their application to him.

[sbgrace]

I'm chiming in with others to say your younger son is possibly an introvert. I was and my mother pushed me in that area and it was not good for my sense of self. There is nothing wrong with his being fine staying home on week-ends. He sounds well adjusted to me.

 

Lazy is habitual. It's still hard to change habits and it would be difficult for you to direct that at his age. I think it's reasonable to require him to do things around the house to contribute, maybe get a job to contribute financially given his age, etc. I can't see making a 19 year old exercise though...at least not directly.

[OH_Homeschooler]

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone.

 

I do have to comment, though, that I find it interesting that no one here seems to think it is important for teens to be assertive. Really? What about peer pressure? Don't you think that learning to be assertive is the way to combat peer pressure? Laid-back and easy-going sounds nice on paper, but when does that become just being a bump-on-a-log? And if it's not important, why do all the colleges want to hear about all their leadership experiences? I'm sort of confused that no one here seems to find those qualities important.

 

I think you are confusing your notion of sociability with assertiveness. I am generally not a very assertive person (and yes, I am an introvert) but I also never had trouble with peer pressure growing up. I CAN be assertive when it matters. I've just learned that the anxiety I feel when I must be assertive means that to me, not everything is worth being assertive.

 

Just as you are unhappy with your son's perceived lack of sociability, I have been embarrassed in the presence of people who were overly assertive. Like a former friend of mine (we honestly just drifted apart)...she needed to be assertive about every little thing. When her credit card didn't work, she was "assertive" with the poor clerk running the machine. I wanted to sink into the floor when my friend yelled at her.

 

To this day, some assertive friends won't take no for an answer. When I say that I'm sorry but I really need to stay in tonight, leave it at that. Don't hound me for an hour about why my needs are really not as important as your need for me to go out tonight (along with a group of friends, so you're not counting on me to have your night out).

 

See my point? I don't think assertiveness is the end-all be-all and it can be displayed in a variety of ways.

 

ETA: This thread reminded me of this article, you might find it interesting. http://www.redbookmag.com/kids-family/advice/i-dont-like-my-child

Edited May 3, 2012 by OH_Homeschooler

[Amethyst]

 

When you gripe that you have to make the initiative, they are rightly annoyed bc this is what you want so why do you expect them to get it going?

 

Just to clarify, I would never, and have never complained to anyone, friend or acquaintance, about not initiating things. It's just that at a certain point I give up. And how about when they say, "If you want to (get together/play tennis/have coffee), call me." What??!!! How about you call me for a change. I don't say that to them, but you bet I think it. And this is exactly what I don't want my son to do, just rely on others to make the plans.

[Amethyst]

I bolded the two parts that I can relate to. I've never thought of my ds as a follower. He has never wanted to do something just because other kids are doing it. BUT he will not be assertive in his own social life. He will rarely make the plans or invite his friends over, yet he is always happy when he gets calls and invited to do things. He has friends, but I keep telling him that if he doesn't reciprocate they are going to stop inviting him over. When he was younger all playdates were arranged by us moms. He's at the age now where moms are rarely involved. Yes!!!!! That's one of our concerns. We're afraid that because Mommy always made the plans when they were younger, they missed out on learning that skill and I'm trying to make up for that error.He'll often be invited to a friend's house after school, but he won't do the same. And I can't figure out why. He gets really upset when I try to talk to him about it.

 

And I'm pretty sure it's his personality. I'm the same way. I have a really hard time calling up friends and making plans to do things, and I've spent most of my life wishing I had more control over my social life. So I guess that's why I'm trying to make sure my ds doesn't end up the same way.

 

I think that if I make him aware, he may be willing to work on it. I don't know. We can guide them, but they have to want to change.

 

Sorry, no real advice, but I can relate.

 

And we've been assuming all these years that "modeling" was the way to go. If we show good social behaviors, they will be that way too, but it's not working.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Gosh, I don't agree with this at all. I firmly believe that you can have influence over your kids far beyond age 12, and if they have respect for you as their parents, for a lifetime! (in a healthy way)

 

I think a couple things that have worked to motivate our kids are

 

1) Challenge them to do something far out of their comfort zone, but with a reward. For example, one of our daughters was really into music -- singing, playing her guitar, etc, but never seemed to go anywhere with it. My husband challenged her to write five pieces of original music (including lyrics), and for each piece, he would pay her a set amount of money. It was a time when she desperately needed money to go on a choir trip, and we weren't going to just "give" it to her. Each piece had to be professionally done, and performed. This was extremely difficult for her to do -- though it got easier with each piece. The reward was enough to motivate her.

 

It turns out it was the ticket to the next level for her. It really brought her out of her shell, got her creative juices working, and changed her life.

 

2) Do things as a family that you hope he will eventually do alone. You will be his model. For example, at one point my husband decided he needed to motivate our son. He signed up for himself and my son to be part of a biking event across our state. (It was a fundraiser.) My husband did most of the planning, but would sometimes delegate smaller tasks to our son. They went on bike rides together to prepare, gathered everything they'd need for the trip (a week's worth of camping), and participated in the event. It was an amazing time for them both, and after that, our son began planning his own bike outings and events. (And eventually biked solo across Europe.)

 

But I think an important thing to remember throughout, is to NOT make your son think that he is doing it wrong now, or that what he is doing isn't good enough. Teens take everything so personally and defensively. Just leave that out of it altogether.

 

This is fabulous advice. Many passive kids need to be taken through the process of moving outside of their comfort zone. My oldest would not have finished his college applications, visits, scholarship applications, letter of recommendation requests without my guidance. On some things I did it with him (like calling to schedule visits) so that I could model for him what to do. Other things, I sat beside him and gave him a script of what to say. He is now able to do many more things for himself than he could a year ago. The can and do grow, but it is easier with loving guidance than with nagging and spirit-destroying criticism. In some ways, I am glad my dad wasn't around because he is one to criticize rather than teach.

[Amethyst]

I think it depends on how your son responds to his "lack of assertiveness" - is he unhappy if no one plans anything? Does he blame others if no one suggests anything or if the only suggested activity is one he doesn't like? These responses are emotionally unhealthy and might be what your dh is thinking of when he lays out his doomsday scenarios. You don't want your ds putting others in charge of his happiness by not speaking up for himself, and this might be something you could help him with. But if he is content, then that is his personality and a lot of good can come from that! He might end up making his wife very happy!:D

 

Okay, here is one of the doomsday scenarios: Dh has a sister that as a teenager and young adult never went out. She stayed at home with Mommy and watched TV togehter. Never went out socially, at all. When I married my dh, we built a mother-in-law apartment onto our house. Sister-in-law came too. As you can imagine, sister-in-law never married. Around 50 she had a "nervous breakdown" - this was about 4 years after her mother died. So, we don't want sons to face the same.

[TranquilMind]

I 100% agree with regentrude.

Me too! She's right. It is much easier to be married to a man like her son, an easy-going guy who doesn't take himself too seriously. That does not mean he is not assertive where it matters.

[MomatHWTK]

But your child does go out. You indicated that the SIL never left home or went out. Different people, different situation. :grouphug:

[RanchGirl]

Okay, here is one of the doomsday scenarios: Dh has a sister that as a teenager and young adult never went out. She stayed at home with Mommy and watched TV togehter. Never went out socially, at all. When I married my dh, we built a mother-in-law apartment onto our house. Sister-in-law came too. As you can imagine, sister-in-law never married. Around 50 she had a "nervous breakdown" - this was about 4 years after her mother died. So, we don't want sons to face the same.

 

 

You mean the son who went to prom with his girlfriend and had two different sets of friends to choose from for attending with? I wouldn't be worried about him becoming a recluse just because he stays home a few nights with his family.

[Amethyst]

You mean the son who went to prom with his girlfriend and had two different sets of friends to choose from for attending with? I wouldn't be worried about him becoming a recluse just because he stays home a few nights with his family.

 

No. My ds17 does not have and has never had a girlfriend. He is going with a girl who is a friend of his. Not romantic. The choice is he can go with a group of her friends who he does not know, or he can go with a group that includes one of his guy friends and another guy that he sort of knows. He's going with the group that he does not know because that's who his date (not girlfriend) wants to go with.

[melissel]

Amethyst, it sounds like you're putting a lot of your own issues onto your DS17. I also think you're talking to a lot of people (myself included) who were very much like your DS17 when they were younger and have grown up to be fully functioning, happy, well-adjusted people. So you're envisioning doomsday scenarios, and we're here telling you that yes, doomsday is always a remote possibility, but it's FAR more likely that your DS is just a laid-back, relaxed, go-with-the-flow kind of guy who will assert himself if and when he cares to and needs to. Unless you see him being passive in truly dangerous situations, I really would not worry about this at all.

 

As for your DS19, well, I think that ship has sailed. As his mom, you can cultivate a good relationship with him and share your own knowledge and experience with him and hope that he takes it to heart, but I don't think you can force him to be something he's not or do things he hasn't decided are important to him personally.

 

One last perspective on people who say, "Call me if you want to do something..."--I am one of those people. It doesn't mean I don't love my friends or that I'm not grateful to have them. I do, and I am. I'm an introvert, and for me, it is often enough to know that these people I love are in my life, even if I don't see them a lot. I'm somewhat overwhelmed by my responsibilities on a daily basis, so I don't actively make plans very often. However, if someone in my life calls and says, "Let's do X," even though my own need was already being met (because it's different from hers), my friend is saying, "I have this need, can you help me fulfill it?" and I'm usually happy to say yes for them.

 

I hope that makes sense. It sounds like you're seeing other people's lack of active planning as some kind of slight, but in most cases, their emotional needs are probably just different from yours. Maybe that's true in your DS's case too?

[Haiku]

No. My ds17 does not have and has never had a girlfriend. He is going with a girl who is a friend of his. Not romantic. The choice is he can go with a group of her friends who he does not know, or he can go with a group that includes one of his guy friends and another guy that he sort of knows. He's going with the group that he does not know because that's who his date (not girlfriend) wants to go with.

 

Then he is courteous young man, because prom is generally far more important to girls than it is to guys. He's giving his date the evening she wants, which is kind and admirable.

 

Tara

[Murphy101]

Then he is courteous young man, because prom is generally far more important to girls than it is to guys. He's giving his date the evening she wants, which is kind and admirable.

 

Tara

 

I agree. I have no idea what the OP is upset about.:confused:

[Trish]

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone.

 

I do have to comment, though, that I find it interesting that no one here seems to think it is important for teens to be assertive. Really? What about peer pressure? Don't you think that learning to be assertive is the way to combat peer pressure? Laid-back and easy-going sounds nice on paper, but when does that become just being a bump-on-a-log? And if it's not important, why do all the colleges want to hear about all their leadership experiences? I'm sort of confused that no one here seems to find those qualities important.

 

Eh, I'm laid back and easy-going, and more immune to peer pressure than most. So I don't think one has to do with the other, necessarily. It's also possible to be agreeable in social situations, and take-charge in work situations.