How do you deal w/ family criticism?

[Marie131]

And I don't mean criticism of the constructive kind.

 

This is my first year homeschooling and in general I think it has been a success. My DS is in first this year, his math skills are great, his reading has really come along, he's learned tons of stuff in science and socials and he's building great character. We're working on improving the neatness of his writing and writing skills in general. There are some things I would have done differently, but all in all I think we've done really well.

 

My sister teaches grade 1 in ps. I do not think she is a big proponent of hsing. Whenever she has a chance, she will assess my son's skills (w/out asking), when she comes over she snoops through his work. She is never shy to tell me what we "need" to be doing and is very critical of my son's skills, to the point that it nearly demoralizes my son. I tried showing her some of his math work that I thought was really impressive (4-digit addition w/ carrying w/out using manipulatives) and even that garnered a negative comment. She can't say anything good about him. She tells my mother about her "assessments" and then my mother tells me about what I'm doing wrong and what I need to change and blah blah blah.

 

My sister's learning philosophies are very different from mine (obviously, given she's a school teacher and I'm a home educator). But, gee, her way is the only way. According to her that is.

 

I don't know. I'm rambling. Do you other hsers deal w/ this? It's like they doubt that I can teach my own child effectively. We are enrolled w/ a school, so I report to a teacher who assesses all of my ds's work and he's going beyond the expectations of grade 1. My sister also seems to doubt the competence of our support teacher.

 

What do you do in situations like this. I do my best to keep it from getting to me. But it is really hard when your ds is really excited to share a story w/ his auntie but all she does is criticize his writing and then you have a deflated child :(

[melmichigan]

It is not ok for your sister to be critical of your son's skills. How does she teach first grade and not understand how much that can crush a child at that age? :glare: I would be firm and stand up to her and your mother state that this is your school choice, it is not up for discussion and it will not be discussed with your son under any circumstances. That just isn't healthy. I am sorry your family isn't being supportive.

[Ellie]

Would you allow her to criticize other parts of your life? other parenting issues? If not, don't let her do this, either.

 

You might have to look her in the eyeball and tell her to give it up. Don't let her steal your joy (or your ds's).

[tiffanieh]

I agree. I'd definitely have a heart to heart with her, laying down the ground rules. And if unfortunately she can't play nice, then I would simply tell her that the subject is off limits since she can't be mature enough to respect your decisions.

[Crimson Wife]

She sounds insecure and threatened by your decision to HS. After all, SHE'S the expert with the teacher's certificate and you're just a layperson. :rolleyes:

 

I agree with the PP that you will need to set & enforce boundaries with her. Easier said than done, but very important.

[Amy Jo]

Explain to your sister that her actions are unacceptable (snooping? wow!) and if it happens again she is not welcome at your home anymore. (If you really want to see her, meet her outside your home without your son.) Personally, I'd also keep my son away from her. Is Grandma or someone else available that will appreciate his stories?

 

I have a step sister who likes to gossip and make up stories (mean ones), she is no longer welcome at my house. (If I see her I am polite of course, and vague.) You have to lay down boundaries sometimes, and some people really force you into that.

 

(If she had just been talking to you, and it didn't include your son, I'd have advised you to smile and ignore her. Called "passing the bean dip" here. But she's gone way beyond that IMHO.)

[BinahYeteirah]

In your case, I would advise having a serious talk with your relatives and tell them that unless they can be supportive they should not say anything about homeschooling to you or your child. It sounds like they are actually harming your child in their effort to "help" you. Assure them that you understand that they are trying to help, that they love your child, and just want to be sure he gets the best education. You can bring up how it affects your son is when they make critical comments, that you are following the law in your area, that you follow a different educational philosophy, etc. if you like. Some people will take the hint and drop the subject; others will require a tougher approach. If they don't drop the subject, I would simply tell them homeschooling is not up for discussion, so if they insist on making their "helpful" comments, you will leave or ask them to leave. You can tell them how important the relationship is to you, but that you simply cannot allow them to undermine your parenting.

[RootAnn]

She would not be invited into my house anymore unless she is confined to an area that doesn't include any of my kid's school stuff (or writings - which in our case are scattered throughout the house).

 

I would have a sit-down with her out of earshot of the kids & explain the new ground rules. There would be no quizzing of the kids, no attempts at assessing them, and no more un-asked-for comments or unwelcome "suggestions."

 

She would not be allowed alone with my child. If she brings something up or quizzes my kid around the chaperoning adult, the adult (you or your husband) will immediately interrupt and pull your sister aside. She is to be told in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that this behavior is no longer tolerated. She would then be told that if she does it again, she will no longer be welcome in your family's presence. You could still see her, but the kids would no longer join any family gatherings that involved that sister. Harsh, but she is trying to undermine you & your family's decisions.

 

If she tries to offer "suggestions" when it is just you, smile sweetly & say you have it under control, then ask her to pass the bean dip (change the subject). If she presses or ask questions, smile even sweeter, and say, "Bless Your Heart." Then, change the subject.

[arghmatey]

I wouldn't allow someone who demoralizes my child the privilege of their company.

[Tarreymere]

Don't let her snoop through his work. If you have something hanging on the refrigerator and she says something negative about it, say "how rude!". And really, it is rude. Being a relative doesn't mean she gets to be rude to your child or you. Boundaries are important and your birth family needs to learn that you have them and expect them to be respected.

 

If she tries to get into a discussion about homeschooling, I'd come right out and tell her you aren't going to discuss it with her any more since she can't be constructive. Same with your mom. Be firm and don't get tricked into defending your choices, it isn't any of their business. Same as any other parenting decision, just like everyone else has already said. Tell them if you want advice you know how to get in touch with them to ask for it.

 

Wow, family can be the worst kind of problem.

[Brooketopia]

Whoa. Sounds like sibling rivalry to me.

 

Get it to stop. NOW.

 

Does she have children of her own? If so, remind her that you do not question or assess her parenting choices with her own children and that she needs to offer you the same courtesy.

 

If I had a guest come into my home and snoop through my things and criticize my child, then that GUEST would no longer be welcome in my house. Just sayin'.

 

I've had criticism in the past and I addressed it head-on. I believe that homeschooling is the best choice for my children and I'm the one in charge of my children. Everyone gets to make the choices they believe are right for their children, period. Grandparents had their chance at raising their Littles, now it's my turn with mine.

[5LittleMonkeys]

Agreeing with everyone else...stop the behavior now. It may put a wedge between you for awhile until she gets over being put in her place, but if she truly loves you and your dc then she will see the harm she is doing to your relationship and mind her manners in the future.

 

Something as simple as, "It offends and hurts me when you criticize everything my son and I are trying to accomplish. Our path is much different than yours and you need to accept that I am doing what I feel is best for my family. It isn't meant as a slight to your profession...in fact it has nothing at all to do with you and everything to do with my children and the path I feel is best for us. You are more than welcome into my home under the condition that you can stop offering unwelcome and unsolicited evaluations and advice. I love you and hope we can move past this."

 

Be strong, stand your ground, do not let her reduce your work or your son's accomplishments in any way.:grouphug:

[MommaOfalotta]

Alot of great advice, and I agree! Confront her about it. This is not okay behavior. Stand up for yourself and your child, and let her know her comments need to end.

 

Sometimes the most simple advice would go a long way for people. "If you can't say something nice, then dont say anything at all." ;)

 

I feel for you momma! So sorry that a family member has made you feel this way. I think some of the time public school teachers can be intimidated by homeschoolers. It may be a little threatening to their profession? (I said SOME not all.. I know a lot of supportive public school teachers that are just GREAT) :)

 

Hope this situation gets better for you and your child!

[SilverMoon]

That's unacceptable behavior. Tell her point blank to stop. If she doesn't I'd only meet up with her sans DS, and I'd pass the bean dip sternly, as often as it takes.

 

Make sure she knows your homeschooling choice is not a judgement on her personal teaching skills.

 

Also, stop trying to change her mind. She won't be convinced by anything you can say. Proof is in the puddin'. Down the road she will, hopefully, realize your kids aren't misfits and have been taught well. It will probably take multiple years for her to come around, and even then, nothing is guaranteed. My inlaws took six years before they could merely hold a sociable discussion about our homeschooling, and another one or two beyond that before we could just be open about it.

[CatholicMom]

It is not ok for your sister to be critical of your son's skills. How does she teach first grade and not understand how much that can crush a child at that age? :glare: I would be firm and stand up to her and your mother state that this is your school choice, it is not up for discussion and it will not be discussed with your son under any circumstances. That just isn't healthy. I am sorry your family isn't being supportive.

 

:iagree:

 

I have someone who has quizzed my kids at times, but more covertly than it sounds like your sister does. I would tell her nicely, but firmly (this kind of bold person doesn't take hints as I'm sure you know) something like: "I love you, but I have heard your point of view and I don't want to hear it anymore. You are always negative about my son's skills and what he's learning, so if you don't have anything nice to say, I'd rather not hear it. Do you realize you're deflating his confidence when you say negative things about his skills right in front of him? I don't like it, and I'm asking you to stop."

 

And do you literally mean she's snooping through his school work uninvited?? That sounds like what you said, but I can't even fathom it. That is beyond gutsy. You have to put your foot down, stat.

 

Tell your mom that you love your sis but that, frankly, she doesn't know what she's talking about.

 

I'm so glad I don't have any PS teachers in my family. :grouphug:

[Marie131]

And do you literally mean she's snooping through his school work uninvited?? That sounds like what you said, but I can't even fathom it. That is beyond gutsy. You have to put your foot down, stat.

 

Yes. That is exactly what she did. When I asked her if she was snooping, she openly admitted to it and criticized me for not using all the books she gave me. Quite frankly, I don't like the material she's given me so we don't use it. It get's put on a shelf and left there :tongue_smilie:

[Twigs]

Check out some of the bean dip threads.

[REv1053]

I agree with everyone else.

 

There is not going to be a polite kind way to tell her to shut up.

I might even use that terminology. IMO its not polite to criticize a childs work, nor your sisters parenting choices, nor your sisters teaching ability.

[ErinE]

If she's criticizing you or your child, I wouldn't allow it. You see your child is making good progress and that's all that matters. Tell her, "Thanks for being so interested in ds's education. He's doing well." If she asks for him to "perform," I'd laugh and say, "We haven't taught him that trick yet! He's still working on roll over and beg."

 

We continue to bump into these comments and sometimes the best thing to do is say, "Homeschooling's working for our family. Thanks for asking." Spending time making an argument and laying out your reasoning won't change her mind.

[iamrachelle]

If she's criticizing you or your child, I wouldn't allow it. You see your child is making good progress and that's all that matters. Tell her, "Thanks for being so interested in ds's education. He's doing well." If she asks for him to "perform," I'd laugh and say, "We haven't taught him that trick yet! He's still working on roll over and beg."

 

We continue to bump into these comments and sometimes the best thing to do is say, "Homeschooling's working for our family. Thanks for asking." Spending time making an argument and laying out your reasoning won't change her mind.

 

 

:iagree:Very well said. It's always nice when you can inject a little humor but still put people in their place, KWIM?

[Ohmomjacquie]

People don't get it and sadly never will. Every time school is brought, up with my mom it's "I think you're doing hunter an injustice by not letting him go to school and at least get the 'classroom experience '" uggh get over it! There's a reason my oldest only went to ps for k. Anyway I'm learning to keep my mouth shut around some people where school is involved. No matter how excited Imaybe.

 

Just tell them like it is. Your choice not theirs. If they don't get the hint you may have to be more. Direct (think I may have to with my mom. Soon..) I know it's quite frustrating and disheartening. Your sis may be like my Mom, only view of hsing is awkward hsed kids who really aren't taught much that tv portrays. Over time she may realize it's not a bad thing but then she may.not. gl and hang in there!

[fiddle]

Ok, my mother AND my middle sister are BOTH public school teachers.....and this is our 1st year of homeschooling, too. And to make matters more touchy, we pulled the kids out of ps in 6th and 3rd grades respectively.

 

My family isn't as overt about it as yours, but I keep getting comments from my mom like "I really hope you put oldest dd in public school for high school...or she'll miss out." And lots of questions from middle sis about "why?" And I can tell that they are NOT supportive. They are in the camp of understanding that we are doing what's best academically, but are in that old school of thought of the "what about socialization?".... My middle sis sent us math books for my oldest (and we don't use them, either.... ) I keep just being firm with them about our reasons for homeschooling and constantly tell them how well the kids are doing.

 

If my family were snooping (rude!) and making comments TO my kids, I would put a stop to that instantly. When they just make comments to me, I just take it with a grain of salt and understand that they don't truly understand homeschooling......

 

Put down your boundaries in a firm, loving way...... and hopefully eventually your family will come around. But you can't have them demoralizing your kid. Despite what my family thinks, my mom is the first one to praise my kids' work and encourage them about their field trips, schoolwork, etc.

 

Hugs to you.:grouphug:

 

Paula

[Celia]

What she's doing isn't okay, and you need to say something, but in doing so keep in mind that she's probably feeling that by homeschooling, you're devaluing her career. Several friends of mine who are teachers have expressed the sentiment that it's arrogant of hs'ers to think that they can do as good a job or better than what they've gone to school for years to be able to do. What has salvaged these relationships in my case is to express admiration at how they can teach so many children at once, and that it takes me a lot of effort to teach my tiny little class well.

[Pen]

Well, I agree with pretty much everything I've read from PPs. Wanted to add that you might want to tell your children that auntie is not someone to share ______ with, because she does not respond kindly to it or understand how to appreciate it. This is similar to sometimes needing to put away toys when someone (say a younger cousin--or older but mean or out of control) comes over because that someone might break the toy.

 

Perhaps visiting your sister's class to "learn" how she does things would be helpful. You might discover some actually helpful hints that you could use. You might discover that she is not very nice to her own students either and that it is not particularly about you and homeschooling or vice-versa. You might discover any number of other things. It could be interesting to see what her students are doing at such a similar grade level to yours.

 

It could also perhaps be helpful to have some area where you would solicit and even accept her ideas, rather than just telling her to bug off. That could give her a feeling of being valued, perhaps. So long as it is something where you think you can really use what she might have to say at least in part.

[SunnyDays]

Well, to be very blunt... it sounds like either you risk hurting your sister's feelings, or she continues to hurt your son's feelings.

 

As a mama bear type, no one picks on my cub. ;)

 

I agree with others, you have to stop this now. Tell you you'll have to agree to disagree, that DS is doing wonderfully, and that since she can't be supportive you'll have to stop discussing it with her. Lead her away from the homeschool area and have a cup of tea in a different room, and change the subject.

 

If sis and mom continue, you will have to be very firm that you will NOT allow quizzing and put downs.

 

Ugh. Family presents a very unique challenge. But just remember that YOU are the mom and that you don't have to answer to anyone else about this decision. If they're understanding and supportive, that's a bonus, but it doesn't always work that way, unfortunately. Good luck...

[Lizzie in Ma]

It is not ok for your sister to be critical of your son's skills. How does she teach first grade and not understand how much that can crush a child at that age? :glare: I would be firm and stand up to her and your mother state that this is your school choice, it is not up for discussion and it will not be discussed with your son under any circumstances. That just isn't healthy. I am sorry your family isn't being supportive.

 

Absolutely!!! How can she be so stupid? Doesn't she love him for who he is?

I am so sorry.

:grouphug::grouphug:

[5forMe]

Time to set some boundaries. Do not allow her to nose through his work and tell her if she is going to quiz him, she needs to ask your permission first.

 

You need to be confident in the job you are doing and brush off her negativism. It sounds as if you are doing a fabulous job with your son. Ignore your sister and her own insecurities.

 

It sounds as if your sister and mother are "bullying" you. I wouldn't allow it.

[farming_mum]

I can sypathise with you!

 

My cousin, my uncle and my aunt are all PS teachers and all of them are against our choice to HS. Even though my uncle's brother homeschooled his two children and they are both now doing their masters at Uni.

 

My children went to my cousins house the other day as she has similar aged children and after picking them up I asked them what they did and they just told me that they played etc. It was only a few days later while doing some HSing that my son used 'catch' in a sentence and spelled it correctly! :001_huh:

 

He has only started Year 2 and I haven't yet taught him how to spell that word. I asked him how he knew how to spell catch (maybe tv etc) and he told me that my cousin got them to do some writting when they went to play and she taught it to him. I asked them why they didn't bring it home and DC told me that my cousin wanted them to leave it at her house for 'next time'. Mmmmm! :confused1:

 

If it happens again I will definately ask my cousin about it but I think it is too easy for HSers to get defensive about this as well. I'm trying to keep a level mind and if my family want to 'test' my children I'm confident in my children's knowledge and in my teaching ability that they will prove their bias wrong! :001_tt2:

 

But in staying that I won't allow it to continue for much longer. I just won't let my children play without me being there and I'll be ready for anything that is said!

[MicheleinMN]

Yes. That is exactly what she did. When I asked her if she was snooping, she openly admitted to it and criticized me for not using all the books she gave me. Quite frankly, I don't like the material she's given me so we don't use it. It get's put on a shelf and left there :tongue_smilie:

 

Tell her to mind her own business. Really. And if she won't, then don't spend time with her at your house or with your children. I can't imagine ANYONE trying to do that to me or my child, but I'm the eldest sibling, so I was (am) the bossy one. :tongue_smilie:

[Jim]

Reading through the replies the Seinfeld episode when Jerry threatens and then does go to someone's job to comment on their work came to mind. (They had mocked him during his act.) But Pen beat me to the idea.

 

We had the same reaction. "Don't do it." "What about social interation?"

 

We've come to the point where the in-laws and both they and my mom at least admit they're sure we can cover the material needed and teach the skills required. My mom will ask about what will happen when middle school arrives.

 

Of course the issue of the classroom experience comes up from time to time. Well, I've leave that one alone. That would be preaching to the wrong crowd.

[Marie131]

Thanks for all the support.

 

At the moment I am in avoidance mode b/c I know I am going to get a whole lot of criticism the next time I talk to my mom and I can't say I am too eager for that.

 

I wish I knew how to talk to these people so that I can be heard. I am the youngest so I am often not taken seriously. My sister is 10 years older and is considered the expert when it comes to children (which is funny b/c she is single w/out any kids!).

 

It is really sad what they have done really. My son wrote a whole bunch of stories and wanted to make a book sale. So when the family came over for dinner over Christmas break we made a big production about it and asked his nana and papa to bring some spare change so they could "buy" his books. Well, my mom thought the stories were cute and bought a bunch. My sister told my son that she wasn't going to pay for a book unless he used proper capitalization and spaces. You could just see the pride being sucked out of this poor kid. He was so excited and spent a whole month writing preparing for that day. The next day I got a phone call from my mom who started asking me if that was my ds best writing and started telling me all the things my sister said that was wrong with it :(

 

Never again will I put any of my kids in that kind of situation again. Those who should be proud and encouraging just sucked all the joy of writing out of a 6 year old. They should be ashamed.

 

Needless to say, when he wants to write to his nana or papa. We do it via dictation and email. I will never share his writing (or any of my other childrens writting) w/ them again.

 

I have discussed w/ my mother the negative impact my sister has had on my ds (her remarks have resulted in my ds doubting his skills, as such there was a time that he wouldn't read aloud for a month, nor write so much as a sentence). And have told her that she needs to be his aunt and not his teacher b/c we have one of those and we are doing fine. I have not had this discussion w/ my sister, I suppose it's because I don't want to hurt her feelings. I took a lot of advice from her at the beginning of our year, none of which worked for us, so we do things very differently. I think she is offended that I don't utilize her expertise and perhaps that is why she is always looking down on us. I don't want to hurt her feelings and tell her to back off, but I can't let her do this to my kid.

[ErinE]

It is really sad what they have done really. My son wrote a whole bunch of stories and wanted to make a book sale. So when the family came over for dinner over Christmas break we made a big production about it and asked his nana and papa to bring some spare change so they could "buy" his books. Well, my mom thought the stories were cute and bought a bunch. My sister told my son that she wasn't going to pay for a book unless he used proper capitalization and spaces. You could just see the pride being sucked out of this poor kid. He was so excited and spent a whole month writing preparing for that day. The next day I got a phone call from my mom who started asking me if that was my ds best writing and started telling me all the things my sister said that was wrong with it :(

 

Wow! Wow! Wow!

 

To quote the Hive, I would have gone Detroit on her!

 

Unexcusable. I can't even convey how very wrong your sister was in this situation. I can't! I'm so flabbergasted that I'm having trouble putting my thoughts together. Your poor son. How heartbraking that family said such a horrible thing to him.

 

Let me just say, I afterschooled my ds for a few years before pulling my ds out midway through second grade. They are not writing perfect sentences! I walked through the second grade hallway DAILY and surveyed the work. Misspelled words, incomplete sentences, incorrect capitalization and punctuation. And these were the display pieces, the ones kids worked really hard on. At this age, writing is an activity that should be praised, not harshly critiqued.

 

You need to have a chat with your sister AND your mother. This cannot continue. Put your reasoning in terms of hurting your child, your sister's nephew, your mother's grandchild. Stop all criticism of your child and your choice. It needs to end, today.

 

Who says such a thing to a poor child? Awful. Just awful.

[Pen]

 

I wish I knew how to talk to these people so that I can be heard.

 

.... I don't want to hurt her feelings and tell her to back off, but I can't let her do this to my kid.

 

 

No contact would be pretty clear.

 

Sounds like you have to draw the line. She probably will not back off no matter what you say. And no matter how much you are determined, it seems it is hard for you to realize that you and your children cannot share this sort of thing with your sister/their aunt. I sets you and the children up for being slammed, so you need to stop putting yourself and your children in a position where that can happen.

 

What you more need to figure out is what to say to your son.

[mandymom]

 

It is really sad what they have done really. My son wrote a whole bunch of stories and wanted to make a book sale. So when the family came over for dinner over Christmas break we made a big production about it and asked his nana and papa to bring some spare change so they could "buy" his books. Well, my mom thought the stories were cute and bought a bunch. My sister told my son that she wasn't going to pay for a book unless he used proper capitalization and spaces. You could just see the pride being sucked out of this poor kid. He was so excited and spent a whole month writing preparing for that day. The next day I got a phone call from my mom who started asking me if that was my ds best writing and started telling me all the things my sister said that was wrong with it :(

 

 

I have discussed w/ my mother the negative impact my sister has had on my ds (her remarks have resulted in my ds doubting his skills, as such there was a time that he wouldn't read aloud for a month, nor write so much as a sentence).

 

Honestly, I think I might tell her that teachers like her were a big reason I was homeschooling my child. If breaking a child's spirit is part of her teaching method, then nothing she says would have any value to me, regardless if she might have a good idea or not.

 

I really think that her behavior seems to be rooted in insecurity and perceived as an affront to her "expertise" that you think you can do better than a "professional". Teachers (or any other professional) that thinks that they can do no wrong really get on my last nerve.

 

FWIW, my mom is a ps teacher, and she totally understands why we hs. She's incredibly supportive. In fact I have several PS teachers that are quite supportive of us, including my college roommate who is an education professor.

Edited April 26, 2012 by mandymom

[melmichigan]

I have discussed w/ my mother the negative impact my sister has had on my ds (her remarks have resulted in my ds doubting his skills, as such there was a time that he wouldn't read aloud for a month, nor write so much as a sentence). And have told her that she needs to be his aunt and not his teacher b/c we have one of those and we are doing fine. I have not had this discussion w/ my sister, I suppose it's because I don't want to hurt her feelings. I took a lot of advice from her at the beginning of our year, none of which worked for us, so we do things very differently. I think she is offended that I don't utilize her expertise and perhaps that is why she is always looking down on us. I don't want to hurt her feelings and tell her to back off, but I can't let her do this to my kid.

 

Sadly you need to put a stop to this now Either which way it is going to hurt your sisters feelings, you aren't doing it her way. Whenever it comes up you firmly state that your decision/curriculum/progress/ etc. is not up for discussion. Hopefully after being cut off enough times they will get the hint, if not you just keep repeating it. This is where you stand up for your family. My DH and I have lost good friends and not spoken to family members because this topic just isn't up for discussion, your family needs to respect that.

[MinivanMom]

I have discussed w/ my mother the negative impact my sister has had on my ds (her remarks have resulted in my ds doubting his skills, as such there was a time that he wouldn't read aloud for a month, nor write so much as a sentence). And have told her that she needs to be his aunt and not his teacher b/c we have one of those and we are doing fine. I have not had this discussion w/ my sister, I suppose it's because I don't want to hurt her feelings. I took a lot of advice from her at the beginning of our year, none of which worked for us, so we do things very differently. I think she is offended that I don't utilize her expertise and perhaps that is why she is always looking down on us. I don't want to hurt her feelings and tell her to back off, but I can't let her do this to my kid.

 

What?! :001_huh:

 

Your sister clearly wasn't the least bit concerned about hurting your son's feelings. She's the adult and the aggressor in this situation. If telling her to stop her bullying, inappropriate behavior towards a child is enough to hurt her feelings . . . well, tough. Adults don't get to treat children that way. Bullies don't get to claim their feelings are hurt when someone tells them to knock it off already. You owe it to your son to put a stop to this.

 

It sounds like there is a lot of gossip and triangulation going on in your extended family. Sis criticizes you and ds to grandma, knowing that grandma will repeat it to you. You tell grandma that sis shouldn't do that in hopes that grandma will repeat it back to her. That needs to stop. Talk to your sister directly and firmly. Then refuse to talk about homeschooling with her or grandma anymore. If they bring it up, firmly tell them you will not discuss it. If they won't let it go, then end the conversation. If they act like this in your home, escort them to the door. Don't leave ds alone with them. It's your responsibility to protect your son from this nonsense.

[LMD]

Thanks for all the support.

 

At the moment I am in avoidance mode b/c I know I am going to get a whole lot of criticism the next time I talk to my mom and I can't say I am too eager for that.

 

I wish I knew how to talk to these people so that I can be heard. I am the youngest so I am often not taken seriously. My sister is 10 years older and is considered the expert when it comes to children (which is funny b/c she is single w/out any kids!).

 

It is really sad what they have done really. My son wrote a whole bunch of stories and wanted to make a book sale. So when the family came over for dinner over Christmas break we made a big production about it and asked his nana and papa to bring some spare change so they could "buy" his books. Well, my mom thought the stories were cute and bought a bunch. My sister told my son that she wasn't going to pay for a book unless he used proper capitalization and spaces. You could just see the pride being sucked out of this poor kid. He was so excited and spent a whole month writing preparing for that day. The next day I got a phone call from my mom who started asking me if that was my ds best writing and started telling me all the things my sister said that was wrong with it :(

 

Never again will I put any of my kids in that kind of situation again. Those who should be proud and encouraging just sucked all the joy of writing out of a 6 year old. They should be ashamed.

 

Needless to say, when he wants to write to his nana or papa. We do it via dictation and email. I will never share his writing (or any of my other childrens writting) w/ them again.

 

I have discussed w/ my mother the negative impact my sister has had on my ds (her remarks have resulted in my ds doubting his skills, as such there was a time that he wouldn't read aloud for a month, nor write so much as a sentence). And have told her that she needs to be his aunt and not his teacher b/c we have one of those and we are doing fine. I have not had this discussion w/ my sister, I suppose it's because I don't want to hurt her feelings. I took a lot of advice from her at the beginning of our year, none of which worked for us, so we do things very differently. I think she is offended that I don't utilize her expertise and perhaps that is why she is always looking down on us. I don't want to hurt her feelings and tell her to back off, but I can't let her do this to my kid.

 

Just heartbreaking. :grouphug:

[ktgrok]

Well, what I do in that situation (very similar...except my sister is an assitant principal now, ugh), is I do a standardized test each year. My son tests well, and it shuts them up for a while ;)

[warriormom]

IMHO, I think your loyalty is to your son. Your son is defenseless. He needs an advocate with clear boundaries. Someone ( husband or yourself) need to have a loving intervention with mom and sis laying down the boundaries. For example, if you do.... I will be forced to ..... ( cut off communication until an apology and a promise of respecting boundaries, not being alone with child etc.) Your son needs someone to stick up for him. And you need to stand up for your right to choose. I would also say that if ds mentions school their response should be " that is wonderful honey, we are so proud of you or we support you" if not we will leave. Many families make other more controversial decisions. I would tell sis in a loving way that if you wanted to have a teacher criticize your child, you would be in public school. If she wants to be an aunt, then you will completely support their relationship. If she puts on her teacher hat, that you will miss seeing her but you have to protect your son. If a stranger treated your child this way, you would not stand for it and you would not build a friendship. Your son and his love for learning are your responsibility. Protect both!

[creekmom]

:grouphug: My sister is also a 1st grade ps teacher, and I have a 1st grader. Although she's never been as rude as your sister, it's obvious she thinks my kids are missing out bc they're home with me all day. Just tonight she was talking about all the fun projects her students are doing and how kids "need" that type of environment.. blah blah blah. I am very supportive of her decision to send her kids to ps, but she always finds a way to put down hsers. I always think of great things to say in response to her comments on the way home, but I never seem to be able to think of those things on the spot. :glare:

 

One time she made the comment, "I don't see how you are going to be able to hs all four children and do it well.... Someone is not going to get what they need..." I was really upset about it, and I did manage to bring it up the next time we got together. She was shocked that I was hurt by that comment and said that it wasn't what she meant. She watched what she said a little more after that. When you approach your sister (which I think you definitely need to do) try starting out with, "It really hurts me when you..." Let her know that it crushes your son when she makes the comments she does. Homeschooling is hard and you need to be able to count on her support whether or not she agrees with your decision to homeschool him.

 

HTH - It is comforting to me to know that I'm not the only one dealing with a sister like this!!!

[FO4UR]

Do not allow your sister (or anyone) to quiz him or look at his work. Period. I wouldn't trust her alone with your dc b/c she's already proven herself antagonistic towards homeschooling...and likely any evidence that would support HSing (including your ds's achievements). She is a danger to him, in a very real sense.

 

 

Some people are looking for validation for their own choices rather than REALLY trying to help you. Being offended that her books aren't being used really gives her away on this point.

 

 

 

It's not your job to meet your sister's requirements (therefore you don't even have to listen to them...bean dip is great!). You are responsible to your child. He is the one who is going to grow up and depend upon the fact that you taught him well. He is going to be the 25yo who someday thanks you for teaching him so well. What your sister thinks about how you teach him has zero significance in the grand scheme of things...unless you give it significance.

 

 

Share things like your ds's little books with people who will love him. Find a HS group locally or a penpal or a nice neighbor. If your family will not support a small child, then they don't deserve his work. Shame on them.

 

 

 

I would be HIGHLY tempted to see writing samples from the students in your sister's classroom....and then send her SWB's Writing With Ease textbook. I wouldn't do that b/c she would probably just see that as opportunity to stick her nose further in, but I would be tempted...

[Pen]

IMHO, I think your loyalty is to your son. Your son is defenseless. He needs an advocate with clear boundaries. Someone ( husband or yourself) need to have a loving intervention with mom and sis laying down the boundaries. For example, if you do.... I will be forced to ..... ( cut off communication until an apology and a promise of respecting boundaries, not being alone with child etc.) Your son needs someone to stick up for him. And you need to stand up for your right to choose. I would also say that if ds mentions school their response should be " that is wonderful honey, we are so proud of you or we support you" if not we will leave. Many families make other more controversial decisions. I would tell sis in a loving way that if you wanted to have a teacher criticize your child, you would be in public school. If she wants to be an aunt, then you will completely support their relationship. If she puts on her teacher hat, that you will miss seeing her but you have to protect your son. If a stranger treated your child this way, you would not stand for it and you would not build a friendship. Your son and his love for learning are your responsibility. Protect both!

 

I absolutely agree with your idea that OP needs to protect her child(ren). But I disagree with your idea about how to go about it. It is possible that the scenario as presented by OP as to the most recent event with the little books in some way does not fit what actually happened as it might be seen by someone else. However, assuming that what I read is what happened, then the relatives have already been told multiple times and have not desisted. It is therefore not time for a warning and threat, it is time to break off contact unless or until they show that they have changed.

 

While the described scenario is emotional abuse rather than physical abuse, I would make an analogy to a situation of physical abuse. One does not say, "if you molest my child again, then I will have to break off contact." One does not say, "if you get drunk and bash my child again, then I will have to break off contact." You break off the contact.

 

You may add, if you wish, in a loving tone, something about how much you care for the other person/people, and hope that family can be healed and restored, and perhaps something like, "I hope that you will get the help you need so that you do not act like this toward me and my son in the future, but until you prove to me that you have fixed the problem, there will be no more contact." And you stick to it. You don't waffle. That is my 2cents.

[Mommy2Many]

I'm a retired school teacher and current homeschooling mom. I have multiple teaching certifications and made serious money working with kids whose parents were not satisfied with the progress they were making in public schools.

 

And my family (blood and in laws) criticised my decision to homeschool.

 

My response was always, "I'm sorry you think your behavior is acceptable. It's not." It is actually the same line I use with my misbehaving children (and used with my students), and my family knows it. They would say I'm calling them childish. I didn't disagree.

 

My family and I are close now, and they think my kids are the smartest around. My sister (a PhD in education) has me work with her grandchildren in the summer to help them catch up to my kids (hers are the same age as mine).

[Rivka]

Your sister does not mean well. I suspect that there are some unresolved sibling issues that she's taking out on your son.

 

There is simply no way that a first-grade teacher would not recognize that first graders - especially at Christmas of the first grade year! - normally produce writing that is full of errors in capitalization, spacing, grammar, punctuation, spelling, et cetera. And the way that public schools teach writing these days involves encouraging free expression of ideas rather than harping on correctness. Unless she teachers for an exceptionally rigid and demanding private school, there is NO WAY that she would have reacted like that to a book produced by one of her classroom students. NO WAY.

 

When I was feeling self-conscious about my first-grader's writing skill, I did some Googling and came up with graded samples of first grade writing. This may be helpful to you. http://tinderbox.homeschooljournal.net/2011/10/19/first-grade-writing/ Be sure to follow the links to see more graded samples. These are what your sister's students are expected to produce.

[stripe]

Obviously this is inappropriate, but I wonder what the idea that you're competition is coming from-- unless she's the only first grade teacher in your town, it seems that no matter where he was educated, she wouldn't be his teacher. Would she be so ruthless if he were in Mrs Jumble's class at Main Street Elementary?