BMW Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 and how do you not sound as if you are arguing with them? lol This morning son woke up needing a shower and sister was finishing up getting ready in the bathroom. She was just a couple of minutes. Son was told to get ready. He sat on bed for 15 minutes longer. I went back to son, saying that he should have already had his shower by now and he says he couldn't because sister was getting ready. He is told that she had been done for some time and he'd better hurry now because he didn't have much time left. Son takes 25 minute shower, expecting to make himself breakfast and ride bike to school. Son is told, no, that thunderstorms are expected and he has to get a ride and a pick up from me. He would not have had time to fix himself breakfast and bike to school and arrive on time, anyway. He dawdles around and it is time to leave and I ask his brother to help him get his shoes and backpack and tell him to get to the car. Son grabs large sack of leftover dinner ribs, covered in sauce and not intended for public school lunch and I tell him to put them back, that it's time to go, that ribs are not for school lunch. Son is angry. Says that he will go to school and then walk to the police station to report that I am starving him because he didn't have time to cook breakfast. I said that I would be more than happy to talk with the police at any time, but that right now we needed to leave so that we weren't late. I pack son a lunch quickly... an orange, a banana, a baggie of wheat thins and a bag of corn nuts. Usually he would also get a sandwich, but with his not getting up and getting ready, we are out of time. I drive son to school and he insists that this is all my fault. I say that I hope when I pick him up that I hear what a good day he has had. He says he will have a terrible day and that it's all my fault. So, I say, "Well, have the kind of day that you want to have, bye!" Sigh. He behaves in cycles... is a fine kid a whole lot of the time and gets a lot done! But, for some reason, after so much time, he goes through a period of challenging, confronting, disrespecting, and fighting back to not do what he is asked to do or should do (even if not asked)... He wakes up with this look in his eyes that says, "No one is telling me to do anything." Then we go toe to toe and he loses privileges and events and when his attitude changes, he earns it all back again. Sigh. I wish he'd just not do this.... Part of this is vent... but... I wonder how to not engage when they start blaming me or siblings for their own challenges... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MeaganS Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 Sounds like you did the best you could to me. The only other thing I could possibly think of is to not help him at all in the morning. He could pack his own lunch, be late, not have time for a shower, etc. If you aren't helping, or if he didn't ask for you to help specifically, then there is no "in" for him to be mad at the poor job you did. This is coming from me being a teenager recently, not from being the parent of one. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 and how do you not sound as if you are arguing with them? lol This morning son woke up needing a shower and sister was finishing up getting ready in the bathroom. She was just a couple of minutes. Son was told to get ready. He sat on bed for 15 minutes longer. I went back to son, saying that he should have already had his shower by now and he says he couldn't because sister was getting ready. He is told that she had been done for some time and he'd better hurry now because he didn't have much time left. Son takes 25 minute shower, expecting to make himself breakfast and ride bike to school. Son is told, no, that thunderstorms are expected and he has to get a ride and a pick up from me. He would not have had time to fix himself breakfast and bike to school and arrive on time, anyway. He dawdles around and it is time to leave and I ask his brother to help him get his shoes and backpack and tell him to get to the car. Son grabs large sack of leftover dinner ribs, covered in sauce and not intended for public school lunch and I tell him to put them back, that it's time to go, that ribs are not for school lunch. Son is angry. Says that he will go to school and then walk to the police station to report that I am starving him because he didn't have time to cook breakfast. I said that I would be more than happy to talk with the police at any time, but that right now we needed to leave so that we weren't late. I pack son a lunch quickly... an orange, a banana, a baggie of wheat thins and a bag of corn nuts. Usually he would also get a sandwich, but with his not getting up and getting ready, we are out of time. I drive son to school and he insists that this is all my fault. I say that I hope when I pick him up that I hear what a good day he has had. He says he will have a terrible day and that it's all my fault. So, I say, "Well, have the kind of day that you want to have, bye!" Sigh. He behaves in cycles... is a fine kid a whole lot of the time and gets a lot done! But, for some reason, after so much time, he goes through a period of challenging, confronting, disrespecting, and fighting back to not do what he is asked to do or should do (even if not asked)... He wakes up with this look in his eyes that says, "No one is telling me to do anything." Then we go toe to toe and he loses privileges and events and when his attitude changes, he earns it all back again. Sigh. I wish he'd just not do this.... Part of this is vent... but... I wonder how to not engage when they start blaming me or siblings for their own challenges... I don't know. I've never figured out how not to engage. I really need to, for my own sanity. I can't get past the 25 minute shower. That is longer than long enough to shower our entire family and wipe the shower down. I don't allow long showers, but then we are on a septic tank so.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted April 11, 2012 Author Share Posted April 11, 2012 Yeah... the long shower.... I usually bang on the door after 5-10 minutes. But, I was busy this morning. Sigh. We pay for every bit of water that we use. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 I think you handled it perfectly. I actually don't think you engaged at all. My 15 yo ds is the same way. He currently has a zero on a homework assignment that was for the parents. I asked for it at 5 pm, dad asked at 7, and I asked again around 10pm. He tried to bring it to me at 11:30pm. I just looked at the clock, looked at him and said "Your dad has gone to bed, and I asked for that at 5." So of course it's our fault it didn't get done. Uh-huh. Sorry your grade dropped buddy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 A friend's daughter at 16 threatened to report to the police she was being starved because her mom hadn't made anything. This is in a house with a fully stocked fridge and pantry. :001_huh: Not jokingly, but seriously. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 If you need a character witness at the police station when they pull the Corn Nuts Inadequate Lunch Law on you, give a shout. Police officers have teenagers too. ;) OP, you handled it just fine. You didn't engage in any kind of conversation about who was at fault. He knows who's really to blame for his lateness. He's lucky you packed him a lunch. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 Ds knows when school starts and how much time he needs to shower, cook/pack breakfast or lunch. I may have alerted him that he needed to be ready by such and such time because he was being driven (which should take less time than taking the bike???) which should really mean he has more time to get ready. Does not sound like you engaged much. He knows the consequences are his. All those comments are just geared toward getting you to engage. If you just smile back and say: "Hope your day gets better," and wave good-bye then he may seem grumpier because you didn't take the bait. It will teach him that nobody carries his load - and that is probably what you want to teach him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarreymere Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 Yeah, that water heater would have been OFF. I think you did well. I would have had to laugh at him, and say 'bummer, sucks to be you today', or else I might have been tempted to kill him. Don't get me started with stories of my own former and current teens. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 Pack the lunch at night, and make him shower then too. It might make for a better morning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amey311 Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 "I understand that it's easier to be angry at ME than angry at yourself. You made choices that lead up to this point. Perhaps next time you'll make different choices." It's that whole "easier to be angry at someone else" bit that happens around here occasionally. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 He says he will have a terrible day and that it's all my fault. So, I say, "Well, have the kind of day that you want to have, bye!" Sigh. ... there once was a girl, with a little curl, right in the middle of her forehead. when she was good she was very, very good, and when she was bad she was horrid. anyway - that was 2ds. he could be really sweet - except when he wasn't. he also moved about as fast as a glacier. I would suggest just 'agree' with him. yes, it's all your fault because you didn't pick him up and put him in the shower when his sister was done. you didn't tell him to get out of the shower after five minutes . . . yadda, yadda, you get the idea. try not to laugh while saying it . . . ;) have you ever sat down with him and talked about how long things take to do? does he understand how to budget time? maybe some lessons on that would help him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 Honestly, I would have laughed in his face and he wouldn't have had a lunch I packed at all. He would also have gotten the --you need to learn to manage your time-- speech. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 My son would have either heard, "Too bad, so sad" or "Suck it up, Buttercup", or maybe both. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhonda in TX Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 I think I would have driven him to the police station. I may have even walked him in and made sure he made his complaint. Teenagers... My DS was in a foul mood today. I knew the good couple of weeks we've had was going to end at some point. Sigh... (I also have not learned how to not engage.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tristangrace Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 Does the fact that my 10yo daughter is already in this phase mean that she'll be over it by 15? Or does it just crescendo from here? :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 I would definitely share it with you. I think you handled it just fine. But it still frays the nerves, and since you can't start drinking at 8 in the morning (just kidding) I don't know what you can do to make it go down easier. He knows he's being a pill. He knows CPS is entirely uninterested in who packs his lunch, and he knows it's not your fault. But when you are a teenager and your world is all mixed up and annoying, who can you blame besides your Mom? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chelle in MO Posted April 12, 2012 Share Posted April 12, 2012 I think you did well. There's not a winner in those situations. You just have to survive! ;) Pack the lunch at night, and make him shower then too. It might make for a better morning. :iagree: This would be a great place to start w/him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BakersDozen Posted April 12, 2012 Share Posted April 12, 2012 (edited) Pack the lunch at night, and make him shower then too. It might make for a better morning. All of our dc shower at night which makes for a much easier morning. If any of my dc threatened to report us to the police I would drive them there immediately (even if it meant being late for/missing school). This is what my mom did with my bratty little sister and let me tell you, it worked! The brat kept threatening and finally my mom simply drove the car over (didn't tell sister where they were going) and walked her into the station. It was awesome and sister never made such a stupid threat again. I wouldn't pack my teenager's lunch. At that age they can pack a lunch, take a shower (in this house they get 6 minutes, start to finish, then the water goes off), get up on time, etc. If they don't then it is on them, not me. Sorry...I grew up with dreadful siblings who manipulated my parents to no end so this hits me hard. I have no patience with such behavior. Edited April 12, 2012 by LuvnMySvn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarreymere Posted April 12, 2012 Share Posted April 12, 2012 Does the fact that my 10yo daughter is already in this phase mean that she'll be over it by 15? Or does it just crescendo from here? :tongue_smilie: Crescendo. I speak with authority.....two adult daughters, two adult stepdaughters I 'housed' in adolescence, and one current 12 year old girl. I blame them for my high blood pressure, my grey hair, and my fondness for Jack Daniels in the evenings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted April 12, 2012 Share Posted April 12, 2012 I wouldn't have done any different that morning. When the storm has blown over, I'd sit him down and ask him how you (plural) can make his mornings easier. Ideas might include: making lunch, packing bags and showering the night before. Calvin prefers to shower in the morning, but he understands that it's easier to shower at night on school days. Laura Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy2BeautifulGirls Posted April 12, 2012 Share Posted April 12, 2012 Crescendo. I speak with authority.....two adult daughters, two adult stepdaughters I 'housed' in adolescence, and one current 12 year old girl. I blame them for my high blood pressure, my grey hair, and my fondness for Jack Daniels in the evenings. Bummer... My 8yo is like that. At bedtime she will often ask for dinner. "Well, you didn't make anything I like," she says, all pouty. "I'm sorry, sweetie. We don't have mac 'n' cheese with every meal. Maybe you should try some new foods." Ugh... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy2BeautifulGirls Posted April 12, 2012 Share Posted April 12, 2012 Sounds like you did the best you could to me. The only other thing I could possibly think of is to not help him at all in the morning. He could pack his own lunch, be late, not have time for a shower, etc. If you aren't helping, or if he didn't ask for you to help specifically, then there is no "in" for him to be mad at the poor job you did. This is coming from me being a teenager recently, not from being the parent of one. :) :iagree::iagree::iagree: It's the best way to learn, IMO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FiveOaksAcademy Posted April 12, 2012 Share Posted April 12, 2012 "I hate that you've made the choices that have led to this..." And, btw, I like how you handled it! I'm going to remember some of the ways you responded. That was good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted April 12, 2012 Author Share Posted April 12, 2012 Follow up: This son wets the bed and has to shower in the morning... (yes, a teen... his older brother had this problem until 14 yrs, too... and it runs in his family... and we only does 1/3 of the time nowadays). Packing lunches before going to bed is a great idea that I will introduce this next week! At dinner son continued to go toe to toe with me, being obstinate and rude and was sent to his room twice. My daughter went into his room to find out what was going on with him and he opened up to her. I love that she cared about his heart... I saw a rude, uncooperative teen... she saw a hurting brother. Come to find out, he's having a very hard time working through the death of a family friend. It impacted us all several days ago, but with Easter and company over and an otherwise busy life, we didn't take a lot of time to talk about it and have our moments of memories and expressing our pain. On top of that, this is the same month that he lost his mother 5 years ago. I knew that anniversary was approaching. I always buy floral arrangements, take the boys' pictures and have them write to her. That date is closer to the end of the month and I didn't put these losses together, but spring is a hard time on this boy. I sat with him and shared that I had no idea he was going through a lot of pain and anger and we came up with a "time out" rule.... If we start to go toe to toe and he is experiencing overwhelming emotions, he is to just say, "Time out" and we will both back off. In that case, if he has to get somewhere, he still has to get in the car and cooperate, but we will stop discussions, get where we have to go and talk about it later. I did this with his older brother and it really helped us get through some trying moments. Just knowing you have a tool to use helps you not feel so powerless when you have a parent in charge.... Anyway, we had a very good turn-around and I am so glad that my daughter sensed his pain! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KS_ Posted April 12, 2012 Share Posted April 12, 2012 Anyway, we had a very good turn-around and I am so glad that my daughter sensed his pain! I'm glad you had a breakthrough! I've found out with my ds that many times when he's being obstinate and bull-headed is when there's something going on underneath (he's felt misunderstood, treated unfairly, feelings hurt, etc.) and if I can see past his behavior and find out what set him off, things can turn around for the better. It's so hard, though, when he's being so difficult to be around, to step back and not react. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teachin'Mine Posted April 12, 2012 Share Posted April 12, 2012 You handled his comments much better than I would have. :tongue_smilie: I think this is a time when natural consequences might work well. Since he can get himself to school himself, and he can make his own breakfast and lunch, I would talk with him and let him know that in the future, his getting food and to school on time are his responsibility. I'd make sure he has an alarm clock, and I'd also give him a wake up call 10 minutes or so after that, but that's it. I'd also let him know that a ride will be available to him if he's ready to go at x time, but any later than that, and he'll have to bike, or if the weather is bad, walk there. I'd also let him know that any consequences from the school are his. I would think that being late a few time might help him to get there on time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted April 12, 2012 Share Posted April 12, 2012 I'd probably have to look the perpetrator in the eyeball and tell him that he is never allowed to blame others for his own misbehavior. It was his fault that he was late, not his sister's, not his mother's. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted April 12, 2012 Share Posted April 12, 2012 Yeah, that water heater would have been OFF. I think you did well. I would have had to laugh at him, and say 'bummer, sucks to be you today', or else I might have been tempted to kill him. Don't get me started with stories of my own former and current teens. I think I would have driven him to the police station. I may have even walked him in and made sure he made his complaint. Teenagers... My DS was in a foul mood today. I knew the good couple of weeks we've had was going to end at some point. Sigh... (I also have not learned how to not engage.) I love this board :-). I never would have thought of turning off the hot water after x minutes. That's brilliant! "Shower as long as you like, but you'll only have hot water for ten minutes." I think you handled it fine and I'm glad you got to the bottom of it. Sometimes with teens you just have to ride it out and resist adding fuel. I think I might have let him wrestle with the ribs a lunchtime. That just seems like one of those situations that are self-correcting :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chelle in MO Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Wow! I'm so excited that you had a good talk! Way to go, dd, for having such a tender heart toward ds! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 I'd laugh my butt off at him and drop him off at the police station. Seriously. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mktkcb Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 actually, you did just fine. My 2e aspie-ish 15yo boy pulls this stuff routinely. very routinely. I respond very much as you did, with occasional variations. I mean...how else should we respond? My son doesn't do escalating responses well at all, but needs to just reap his own consequences. Maybe you could have oh so casually thrown in there that you duly noted the disrespect, and would be thinking creatively about an appropriate consequence while he was having his rotton day? I don't know. I ignore as much as possible. Natural consequences seem to work best with mine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mktkcb Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 sorry, just read the update. Glad it worked out. Sometimes it is so hard to get to the bottom of things. I've been there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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