Being the parent of a young adult is exhausting! a vent

[Jean in Newcastle]

It wasn't meant to be a freudian slip. Even though dd is young, I am almost 40.

 

The Freudian slip was that you typed "reigns" instead of "reins". Or did you mean to make a pun?

[SKL]

Another thing. Maybe there is something about the date that she is afraid for you to know just yet. Tats/piercings? Doesn't pull his pants up? Different race? Same gender? Or maybe he's just funny looking? I recall dating a guy whom I thought was funny looking, and I was sure my parents would feel sorry for me upon meeting him. Anyhoo, I'd make sure your dd knows that you're not interested in picking or screening her mate; you just want reasonable family communication.

[Mama Geek]

The Freudian slip was that you typed "reigns" instead of "reins". Or did you mean to make a pun?

 

I totally missed that. That is what happens when you have been riding on kiddie rides at a carnival for a few hours.:lol:

[PrincessMommy]

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

This was my first thought as well when she ran out the door to meet the guy. Shame? Embarrassment? Wanting to look "grown up"?

And I agree with the volume of texts -- it just appears to be controlling for a young woman who legally is an adult. Emotionally, she sounds juvenile if the OP still wields that much control?

 

At the age of 17, I left the home and never looked back. But then, I was more worldly and an old soul of 40 in a 17 year old body. :D But my mother had her times of when she wanted me to come back home to live under her rules. I didn't and survived quite nicely.

 

I suggest to treat the 20 year old like a renter. Set up a contract stating basic ground rules like a courtesy call if they will be late (so the OP can go to bed), rules like no gentlemen callers in the bedroom, she still has to do chores as part of "rent", and she gets privacy/trust from the parental units as a result. Give her room to grow. Too much control will force her to flee if it gets to be too much, IMO.

 

a txt once an hour when a child is 2-3-4 hours later than expected. That's controlling?? Sheesh. All I wanted to do was vent and instead I'm getting lectures.

[Dustybug]

a txt once an hour when a child is 2-3-4 hours later than expected. That's controlling?? Sheesh. All I wanted to do was vent and instead I'm getting lectures.

 

 

:grouphug: You aren't being controlling, and there are those of us here who would have been worried as well.

[Jennifer in MI]

a txt once an hour when a child is 2-3-4 hours later than expected. That's controlling?? Sheesh. All I wanted to do was vent and instead I'm getting lectures.

 

:grouphug: I don't get how that is controlling either. She lives in your house and you were expecting her home and she was late. I'd expect my mom to do the same if I were hours late.

[JudoMom]

I guess the difference for me it that she's still living at home, so there's the common courtesy thing. If I visit someone else's home, I let them know when I'll be home so they won't worry. My husband lets me know where he'll be and what time to expect him home. If he's not going to make it, he'll call or text me. It's not a control thing, it's a courtesy, I think.

 

If she weren't living at home, I think that would be a different story.

 

:iagree:

[kalanamak]

Substitute "husband" for "child"--if your dh were out 3 hours past when he said he was planning to be out, would that be kind to you? I am not talking about AFFAIRS or anything like that. Just common courtesy for a family which loves each other. If YOU were going to be out waaaay past when you said you would be, you would call, wouldn't you?

 

 

Nope: don't call me after bedtime. If I'm woken less than 2 hours into sleep, it makes it very, very hard for me to get back to sleep.

 

Creep in quietly, and tell me about it in the morning. The *vast* majority of the thousands of days I've lived have had no emergencies, disasters, or misfortunes. The late night call is, in general, BAD NEWS, so don't call me unless I am needed.

[kalanamak]

Oh. Well, I wouldn't get to sleep if my dh had said he'd be home at midnight and was not. I guess it comes down to family rules.

 

 

It perhaps comes down to personality. I had a boyfriend in a lather when I was 10 minutes late, once. I can probably count the times I've been late in my *entire life* on my 10 fingers. :)

 

Hubby is a schmoozer. He gets caught up talking to people nearly every time he goes out. Or he stops off to see someone from him childhood, as he is passing by, and ends up fixing their sump pump, etc.

[Haiku]

No that's not the reason. :confused:

 

Ok, I was just throwing it out there as a possibility.

 

And it's not that I think there is anything wrong with common courtesy, but I very strongly believe that adult children are adults and that, barring unusual circumstances, trying to parent them like they are teens does a disservice to them. To me, waiting up for your adult daughter to return from a date because you can't sleep if she's not home or insisting that you meet her date are things parents of adult children shouldn't be doing.

 

I'm not unsympathetic. I have a dd who will be turning 18 this year. She has one more year of high school, and our agreement is that while she is still in high school, we will still be actively parenting her. But once she graduates, it's a different story. She will have rules as long as she lives in our home, because this particular child has issues with treating family members well (she was adopted as a pre-teen and has some emotional problems), but policing her social life will be, at that point, beyond the realm of our authority over her. If she wants to stay out late, she can. If doesn't want to check in, she doesn't have to.

 

I think that the age of cell phones and the expectation of instant communication has created an environment of heightened stress when the people we expect to contact are not responding to us. I know people, friends, family, and co-workers, who freak out when someone doesn't text them back immediately. I have to fight feelings of annoyance when someone doesn't respond quickly to me. But I also try to remember that, when I was 18, I didn't even have a phone (not even a landline). My parents couldn't contact me whenever they wanted. They didn't know what I was doing every hour of the day. And we all survived. When I was 18, I didn't talk to my parents hourly or even daily. It wasn't due to a poor relationship. There just was not the expectation of instant, constant communication in those days. And I think young adults had more freedom to be young adults and independent in those days. I think it helped them grow up and mature.

 

But then again, I may just be old and out of touch. ;)

 

Oh, and as far as my dh being hours late and not contacting me: I don't worry. If something happened to him, the police or the people he was with would notify me. The times it has happened, it has been because his phone died or he lost track of time. It happens, and unless it's a regular, deliberate thing, not worth getting angry about, imo.

 

Tara

Edited March 17, 2012 by TaraTheLiberator

[Haiku]

The *vast* majority of the thousands of days I've lived have had no emergencies, disasters, or misfortunes.

 

That's what I was trying to say, but you said it better. There's no reason to assume the worst.

 

My dh has a job where he sometimes just has to work till he gets it done. I don't want him calling and waking me up to say either, "I'm still at work" or "I'm leaving now." Let me sleep.

 

Tara

[swellmomma]

Substitute "husband" for "child"--if your dh were out 3 hours past when he said he was planning to be out, would that be kind to you? I am not talking about AFFAIRS or anything like that. Just common courtesy for a family which loves each other. If YOU were going to be out waaaay past when you said you would be, you would call, wouldn't you?

 

it's not related to age, it is related to love and thinking more highly of others than you do of yourself.

 

:iagree: I also do not sleep until I know that all my family members are safe and sound for the night. So when my kids are away from home they call me each night. WHen the boys were at camp this past weekend I barely slept because I could not talk to them at night to check in. As they get older I do not see that changing. If it was my dd, and she was living here even at age 20 I would expect a text or a call saying "movie was great, headed over to xyz, will text later if I will be gone much longer than 1-2 hours". I could likely go to sleep with that knowledge that she is safe, and I know where to start the search if she goes missing. I have no interest in controlling my kids lives once they are grown, but I do expect them to show courtesy so that I am not up pacing the floor wondering if i shoudl be calling in the calvary. Or if I can head to bed knowing that my kids (adult or not) are safe and happy.

[jillian]

I'm 26, still call when I'm going to be out or give dh an estimated time of arrival for when I'll be back. Though this has some to do with the dynamics of how our relationship works.

 

When he is out of town/out to sea (he's military) I call when I'm home for the evening/afternoon or whatever to my parental figure. I do it as a safeguard.

 

How do I feel in this situation? I don't know really, but I will say at 20 I was engaged to my now dh, and he was across the country. I let people know when I got in and what/where I would be but at 20 I didn't really answer texts/calls unless I had a moment, I was in college taking 6+ classes so I was usually home or in my apartment studying

[PeacefulChaos]

Was this her first ever date that you felt like you needed to stay up until she got home, or were you just worried because you'd never met the young man?

 

I'm always worried a little when my teens aren't under my roof during the late night hours and it would have bothered me that he didn't come to the door. But when I was reading about your rough night I couldn't help thinking that at age 20 I was off at college keeping late hours and meeting new people and taking care of myself without my mom knowing the details. No expectations for me to be home, and certainly no expectation for me to answer the phone while on a date since cell phones and text messaging hadn't been invented yet!

 

My oldest is only 18 and will be living at home for the next few years and your post made me realize I need to think some things through. I was a responsible kid so mom gave me a lot of freedom during my high school years and I really liked the sense of independence I had during my college years. Sigh...

 

I hope you got some good sleep.

:iagree: Only I was married when I was 20, and lived 17 hours away. :)

My feeling is that no 20 year old needs to be out until 3:00 a.m. but really that is a separate issue...the issue here is lack of common courtesy toward the people you live with.

 

If I had a visiting relative that stayed out until 3:00 and didn't answer my texts or calls, I would be FURIOUS. Much more so when it is my child and I don't know where she is or who she is with.

 

I agree with the PP who said, 'mom's house, mom's rules'.

Fact is 3:00 am isn't all that late when you are 20. When I was 17/18 and in college, I was regularly out until anywhere from 12-2 (curfew at our school). After DH and I got married, we were on such a screwed up schedule for awhile - he worked weird hours and we're both night owls and never get tired at night, then can sleep reaaaaalllly late :lol: . We weren't 'out' (considering that we don't drink or 'party' now, nor did we ever, there wasn't a lot to do, but sometimes we went to movies because where we lived they still had showings at 12:00am) necessarily, but we were definitely up.

When DH and I visited my grandparents when I was pregnant with DS8, we stayed out with a good friend of mine until well after midnight. (Dorky thing? The latest LOTR movie had come out and the only showing not sold out was at 10:40 :lol: ) I called them and said we were watching the late movie, and they said, well, you know the alarm code. When we got back they were sound asleep. So I'm kind of confused as to why you would be waiting up for a fully grown relative in the first place?

I'm sorry that you were worried and lost sleep. But at 20, I think she's too old for repeated texts from mom and, as other posters suggested, rules about cell phone usage and guys coming to the door to introduce themselves. She deserves and is entitled to a private life. Just because she is your child and lives at home doesn't mean she is, in fact, a child.

 

Perhaps she didn't want her date to come to the door to meet mom and dad because she wanted to appears more grown up and independent?

 

ETA: I graduated from high school at 17 1/2, moved out, and started college. I had a full-time job and lived an independent life, and I survived.

 

Tara

:iagree: and I graduated at 17 1/2 also. :) I also think I'm doing pretty well :lol:

I know that children ages 18-20 are at the age when they want so much to be completely independent. (I say children because they are our children, even though I know they're not really "children" anymore. )

 

Still, as part of our family, there are certain expectations and courtesies, and as long as they are in our home, they must follow them, ESPECIALLY if you are still supporting her financially!

 

When our 20 year-old is home, she is expected to follow family rules -- helping with chores, letting us know her schedule, etc. But beyond that, if we feel she is doing something unwise or not safe, we feel it is still our obligation as her parents to sit down and talk with her about it. Personally, I feel there is little reason for a young woman that age to be out until 3am while on a first date. Of course there are exceptions to this, but YOU know your daughter and her own issues probably better than anyone.

 

It is not a control issue and it is not about strict parenting; it is more about wise and smart decision making.

 

Sure, most kids that age are off at college doing things we never hear about, and many are even married. But, to be honest, that does not make for a good argument.

When she visits? Or does she still live there? If she lives there, totally makes sense. If she has to do chores when she visits, and has to follow a curfew, etc...I think that's strange. JMO. When I went home for the summer after my freshman year of college, I didn't have a curfew. I basically could do whatever. I was responsible and I would call and stuff, but it was a totally different thing than when I lived there as a high school student, or before I had gone to college.

 

 

This was my first thought as well when she ran out the door to meet the guy. Shame? Embarrassment? Wanting to look "grown up"?

 

And I agree with the volume of texts -- it just appears to be controlling for a young woman who legally is an adult. Emotionally, she sounds juvenile if the OP still wields that much control?

 

At the age of 17, I left the home and never looked back. But then, I was more worldly and an old soul of 40 in a 17 year old body. :D But my mother had her times of when she wanted me to come back home to live under her rules. I didn't and survived quite nicely.

 

I suggest to treat the 20 year old like a renter. Set up a contract stating basic ground rules like a courtesy call if they will be late (so the OP can go to bed), rules like no gentlemen callers in the bedroom, she still has to do chores as part of "rent", and she gets privacy/trust from the parental units as a result. Give her room to grow. Too much control will force her to flee if it gets to be too much, IMO.

 

I heartily agree with the bolded.

 

Oh and I forgot to quote, but regarding if it was one's DH as opposed to their child - I really don't think it would be different. DH has had to work late, and I have gone to bed once I get tired. DH has late meetings sometimes, and I have no clue when he'll be home. I don't call or text him. If I get tired, I go to bed.

[itsheresomewhere]

So, if the person knows where you live, why is having them pick you up at your house so dangerous? I'm trying to see how meeting them there is "safer"? Is it that you are worried they'll have the transport and you'll be dependent on them to get home?

 

Yeek, if dating is so dangerous, I'm glad I skipped it. In school, everyone was a "crowd" and you just got to know someone better by spending time with them in the crowd. No going off with a guy for some artificial activity just to get to know them better.

 

Someone else noted that it seemed like a girl goes on a date and disappears almost daily. I've never heard of that! Married women disappearing and hubby looks like he's it: yes. Man shoots wife and kids and then himself: yes. Child is grabbed on the way to school: yes. Stranger knocks on door and says he's utility, and pushes door open and rapes:yes. "The Enema Bandit" climbs in dorm windows, ties up girl, gives enema (true name and story): yes. But never "girl goes on date and is never seen again."

 

 

I grew up in a large city so no one knows where you live. I didn't date in high school. Around the time I started dating, there was a case in the area of women dating a man who would come back, break in and raped them hours later.

[kalanamak]

I grew up in a large city so no one knows where you live. I didn't date in high school. Around the time I started dating, there was a case in the area of women dating a man who would come back, break in and raped them hours later.

 

Doesn't sound like the younger brother of your older sister's best friend!!

 

I wouldn't go on a date with someone I knew so little. So, I guess I would be classified as much more cautious than you -- you wild woman, you.

[itsheresomewhere]

Doesn't sound like the younger brother of your older sister's best friend!!

 

I wouldn't go on a date with someone I knew so little. So, I guess I would be classified as much more cautious than you -- you wild woman, you.

 

 

When your sibling is just starting middle school when your of dating age, you date people you work with. I just felt like you never know. I never went to clubs or bars so I was always called the old lady by my friends.

[In2why]

:iagree:I don't care if you are an adult or not if you are under someone else's roof whether for 1 night or living there F/T you check in and let those people know you are okay and when to expect you back. Heck my parents are 54 and 58 and they still check in with each other if one is going to be out late etc.

 

Yes at 20 they can stay out until 3 am, who cares, but at least pick up the phone or text and let the people in your home know you are okay, where you are and that you will check back in later if you are not home in an our or 2 etc. It's not that hard to show some respect and courtesy.

 

I agree. I have adult children as well, but even when they come to visit they let me know if they are going to be late, or if plans change and they aren't coming home at all. I can even understand her turning off her phone, they aren't a leash, but she knew you would worry, and she should have called you. I would wonder if she wasn't sending you a passive aggressive message, and dealing with that would be my first priority.

[HiddenJewel]

I agree. I have adult children as well, but even when they come to visit they let me know if they are going to be late, or if plans change and they aren't coming home at all. I can even understand her turning off her phone, they aren't a leash, but she knew you would worry, and she should have called you. I would wonder if she wasn't sending you a passive aggressive message, and dealing with that would be my first priority.

 

Or she might have honestly forgot to turn her phone back on and wasn't even thinking about home. The saying "Time flies when you are having fun" came about for a reason. I have a daughter who can think she has been doing something for 15 minutes when in fact it has been 2 hours.

[HiddenJewel]

a txt once an hour when a child is 2-3-4 hours later than expected. That's controlling?? Sheesh. All I wanted to do was vent and instead I'm getting lectures.

 

Just checking if there was a conversation with your dd that you expected her home at midnight? Assumptions can cause problems especially in situations like this.

[Pippen]

I think that the age of cell phones and the expectation of instant communication has created an environment of heightened stress when the people we expect to contact are not responding to us. I know people, friends, family, and co-workers, who freak out when someone doesn't text them back immediately. I have to fight feelings of annoyance when someone doesn't respond quickly to me. But I also try to remember that, when I was 18, I didn't even have a phone (not even a landline). My parents couldn't contact me whenever they wanted. They didn't know what I was doing every hour of the day. And we all survived. When I was 18, I didn't talk to my parents hourly or even daily. It wasn't due to a poor relationship. There just was not the expectation of instant, constant communication in those days. And I think young adults had more freedom to be young adults and independent in those days. I think it helped them grow up and mature.

 

But then again, I may just be old and out of touch. ;)

 

Tara

 

Yesterday I asked someone how their son who was away at college was doing and the mom said she or her husband talked to him about three times a day. I was shocked. In college I called home collect about twice a week and talked to my mom. I also talked to my brother once a week when he was away in the army. That's about it. It never dawned on me that college kids would be in such constant contact while they were away but I guess times have changed.

[PeacefulChaos]

Yesterday I asked someone how their son who was away at college was doing and the mom said she or her husband talked to him about three times a day. I was shocked. In college I called home collect about twice a week and talked to my mom. I also talked to my brother once a week when he was away in the army. That's about it. It never dawned on me that college kids would be in such constant contact while they were away but I guess times have changed.

 

And tbh, I don't think it's a good thing. Even with parents.

[jillian]

And tbh, I don't think it's a good thing. Even with parents.

To be fair I called once in the morning and once when I was back in my room at night. If it was late I texted. To me it was a safety check kind of thing. I also shot off a quick email before I went for a run in the morning because if something did happen as is wont to do on college campuses it made us all feel safer for someone to know where I was and that I was safe.

 

eta: and if something was going on I called. Then again I am very close to my grandma (who raised me)

Edited March 17, 2012 by jillian

[cathmom]

My oldest ds, who is 22 and living away at college, and I discussed this situation today. It's our opinion that there are several things going on here.

 

1. This quote

she knows I don't sleep until all my babies are home. She doesn't have a curfew since she's nearly 21.

 

shows your attitude toward a grown adult. I cannot imagine calling my oldest a "baby." I lived at home while going to college, and my parents never waited up for me. They wouldn't have noticed until the morning if I never came home. When my oldest was here over Christmas, he gave us a general idea when he would be home, and we went about our normal lives. I think, and I suggest this gently, that you work on separating yourself a bit from her.

 

2. My son says that nobody just goes to see a movie. He thinks it was unreasonable to expect her home at midnight (I'm unclear whether that was when she had said she would be home, or if that's just when you expected she would be back by).

 

3. On the other hand, she should have let you know that she was going to be later, especially if she was aware that you would stay up.

 

4. The issue of safety: It isn't safe for anyone to be off somewhere by themselves, no matter what their age or gender. Someone should have an idea where you're going to be and when, and some information to find you should your cell phone be disabled. Do you know where this young man's parents' house is? It sounded like you didn't know anything about him. Your dd needs to understand that this is not safe. You're right - how would you have found her if anything happened?

 

It's a fine line here - your dd should have let you know she was going to be late, as that's common courtesy for the people you live with, but you need to work on not being so worried and being able to sleep if she's not home yet.

 

Hugs to you! I know it's difficult to transition from being the parent of a child to being the parent of an adult.

[QueenCat]

Yesterday I asked someone how their son who was away at college was doing and the mom said she or her husband talked to him about three times a day. I was shocked. In college I called home collect about twice a week and talked to my mom. I also talked to my brother once a week when he was away in the army. That's about it. It never dawned on me that college kids would be in such constant contact while they were away but I guess times have changed.

 

I wouldn't have wanted to talk to my parents three times a day when I was away at school. We didn't have phones in our room, the pay phone was it. However, if it had been more affordable, I would have talked to them more than the once or twice a week I did back then.

[Night Elf]

After reading more posts, I have two questions for those people who think expecting a young adult to call home is going too far.

 

1. We own a house alarm and I pay a monthly service to feel safe. I cannot turn it on when dd19 stays out past when I go to bed (about 2am most nights). She doesn't want a code because she's worried she won't remember it and will set it off, which in turn will warrant a phone call from the security company. First, I wouldn't be able to sleep well knowing the darn thing wasn't on. Second, that thing is LOUD which makes every person in the house leap out of bed and run into the hall, and second we have to answer the phone when the security company calls or they automatically send out the police. Does it really still seem like I'm being too pushy if she knows I need her to phone home to let me know how late she might stay out? Which is more important? My feeling of safety for my family or my daughter's right to do what she wants because she is an adult?

 

2. Many of you are shocked at the idea of parents "checking up" on their adult children and you state how at that age you were on your own. Do you really see the two situations the same? I was on my own at 18 yrs. old too, so calling my mommy to tell her I was out would have been kind of stupid. But when I lived at home, I really did let her know when I was going to be out late because I didn't want her to worry.

Edited March 18, 2012 by Night Elf

[Night Elf]

Yesterday I asked someone how their son who was away at college was doing and the mom said she or her husband talked to him about three times a day. I was shocked. In college I called home collect about twice a week and talked to my mom. I also talked to my brother once a week when he was away in the army. That's about it. It never dawned on me that college kids would be in such constant contact while they were away but I guess times have changed.

 

Well, that could just be their relationship. When I moved away at age 18, I phoned my mom every single day. We loved talking and could easily chat over an hour every day.

[Joanne]

Of course it is a courtesy issue. It is also a developmental one. Yes, she is legally and chronologically an adult. She's also the owner of a still undeveloped grain, little life experience, and a need to differentiate.

 

She'll make some "mistakes" at 20 that she would not make at 25. It's just like a toddler who does developmentally expected things. We teach, redirect, and expect they will outgrow itas they mature.

 

I'd be very careful and selective about "my house, my rules". Instead, I would engage with her as she navigates this stage with all the choices, excitement, embarassment, and confusion.

 

She will grow into both courtesy on this level AND understanding that it is not a threat to her autonomy; she is just not there yet.

[Bluegoat]

Yes, there are good reasons to have her leave some info about her date or have you meet him, and to keep some contact about what she expects to happen as far as return time. And the latter is a courtesy issue as well.

 

All that is great and should be said.

 

But if you are going to live with an adult child, kindly offering them the opportunity to go to school without huge debt, I think you have to give them adult space. Otherwise your kind and loving gesture is not really respecting where they are in life, it can almost become a way to keep them from growing up.

 

The time for insisting on meeting dates and curfews and punishments and shaping behavior is during the pre-teen and teen years. If you haven't done it by then, it is really too late now, 20 is the season for trying it out alone and being the one to make the final decisions and discovering what the full consequences of those are.

 

Of course you can say, "move out", or "you can't use the car if you will do X with it", but I think you have to carefully examine your motives. If they are using the house for swingers parties and the car to deal drugs, by all means make that choice. If grades are continually bad then by all means say they must be improved to get funded and give suggestions about how to achieve that and offer to help. And remove funding if they don't improve. If it is something less clear I think one needs to think very honestly if it is a matter of trying to control the person's legitimate adult choices. Doing so can easily harm the relationship and will just delay the time that it will happen anyway.

[MusicMama]

I think it is clear from the OP and following comments that everyone has drastically different expectations regarding communication.

 

You know what is expected between you and your daughter. Establish a conversation on the topic and lay ground rules again, but be prepared to compromise with your young adult child. It doesn't matter that my DH and I never call or contact parents when we are out late (2am+) while staying at their house. My Mil would be furious if we woke her up! :) It is your house, your child, but the lines of communication should benefit BOTH of you, and not feel like a chain that needs to be broken.

 

I think 20 is a bit old to be worrying about like that. She's old enough to join the army, be married, and have children.

 

I think the underlying problem is a communication issue on both sides, talk it through, love it other, and hopefully it will be resolved. :grouphug:

[Bluegoat]

Yesterday I asked someone how their son who was away at college was doing and the mom said she or her husband talked to him about three times a day. I was shocked. In college I called home collect about twice a week and talked to my mom. I also talked to my brother once a week when he was away in the army. That's about it. It never dawned on me that college kids would be in such constant contact while they were away but I guess times have changed.

 

I have heard that it is an increasingly common occurrence for parents of twenty-somethings to call their child's employer about issues or come to help them settle in on the first day of work. :001_huh:

 

Things seem to be really different these days.

[PeacefulChaos]

I have heard that it is an increasingly common occurrence for parents of twenty-somethings to call their child's employer about issues or come to help them settle in on the first day of work. :001_huh:

 

Things seem to be really different these days.

 

I DO know that a lot of 'helicopter parents' (NOT saying that is what the OP is AT ALL. Just commenting on the quote above.) will talk to college professors trying to get them to change their student's grade or something else similar, or run forgotten assignments to their college students on campus. :001_huh: I wouldn't run a forgotten assignment to ANY child of ANY age. College students? :ack2:

[Stacy in NJ]

You need to create a new rule. She needs to call or text and let you know if she's staying out past midnight and where she'll be.

[tex-mex]

a txt once an hour when a child is 2-3-4 hours later than expected. That's controlling?? Sheesh. All I wanted to do was vent and instead I'm getting lectures.

When posting online, you get opinions.

 

And I shared my opinion. ;)

 

It does come across as controlling. From an outsider's POV, it sounds like the date went well and into the wee hours of the morning. That happens to any 20 year old who dates. College dorm life for example.

 

Someone posted about the reason she did not have him greet you and that set off a red flag. Then you shared dd mentioned she forgot to turn her phone on. She did not appear to be upset? Which meant the date went well. I guess I am more curious as to why she is not having you all meet him -- does the guy have tattoos, other beliefs, blue hair, etc. :confused: Who knows? But young adults in love tend to leap first before looking.

[tex-mex]

Yes, there are good reasons to have her leave some info about her date or have you meet him, and to keep some contact about what she expects to happen as far as return time. And the latter is a courtesy issue as well.

 

All that is great and should be said.

 

But if you are going to live with an adult child, kindly offering them the opportunity to go to school without huge debt, I think you have to give them adult space. Otherwise your kind and loving gesture is not really respecting where they are in life, it can almost become a way to keep them from growing up.

 

The time for insisting on meeting dates and curfews and punishments and shaping behavior is during the pre-teen and teen years. If you haven't done it by then, it is really too late now, 20 is the season for trying it out alone and being the one to make the final decisions and discovering what the full consequences of those are.

 

Of course you can say, "move out", or "you can't use the car if you will do X with it", but I think you have to carefully examine your motives. If they are using the house for swingers parties and the car to deal drugs, by all means make that choice. If grades are continually bad then by all means say they must be improved to get funded and give suggestions about how to achieve that and offer to help. And remove funding if they don't improve. If it is something less clear I think one needs to think very honestly if it is a matter of trying to control the person's legitimate adult choices. Doing so can easily harm the relationship and will just delay the time that it will happen anyway.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Renthead Mommy]

So the movie started at 9, and you expected her home at 12? On a first date?

 

On a first date that doesn't go well, yeah, maybe 12.

 

But you go to a movie, and you can't talk. The idea of the date is to talk to get to know the person. You watch the movie, then you end up in a bar or a diner or something to talk to get to know each other.

 

For a 9pm movie I would never expect them home by 12. Not at 20. And not on a first date.

[EmilyK]

This is really interesting. My take away here is that families are really different and whether it is spouse or adult kids, it is good to clarify.

 

My husband and I do things without each other all the time, and are pretty independent, yet we both know it is more courteous to check in via text or email, and we both appreciate it. It is just helpful when deciding whether to set the alarm, go to bed, go out, etc to know if the other person will be back in one hour or five. We check in on stuff like that during the day so we know about meals, kidcare, etc. If some marriages don't need to do that fine, but since we have phones with email or text, it is easy. On the other hand, we don't freak out if the other doesn't do it -- but irritating.

 

I guess since there isn't universal thought on this it is just something to navigate with adult children or exchange students.

 

I haven't really gotten the relevance of people saying they were married by then. I wasn't but was in college and grad school, and still knew what was expected when I was at home.

 

questions (Possibly dumb):

 

-- what is wrong with having the date come to the door? I get that if a child or houseguest wanted to meet someone somewhere, you might not interrupt the plans to insist someone come to your house. But if he was there anyway, doesn't it seem a little odd that he wouldn't come to the door?

 

-- Does everyone agree that this would be rude if staying for a while with other relatives? I would want to clarify that she would know not to do that at Aunt Tilly's or whatever.

[Haiku]

She doesn't want a code because she's worried she won't remember it and will set it off, which in turn will warrant a phone call from the security company.

 

Imo, too bad. That's her problem. If she has a cell phone, she can store the code in it. Not wanting to to know the code because she's afraid of setting the alarm off is failing to take responsibility for herself. I'd give her the code, set the alarm, and go to bed. If she sets the alarm off, well, maybe she'll be more careful next time, especially if she has to pay any fees incurred for a false alarm.

 

Tara

[TranquilMind]

I was up until after 3am last night.. My 20yr old went on a first date to the movies. In my opinion, it started off bad. She didn't want him to come to house house (what the?????). Her brothers are home on spring break, but still.... This guy has been to Afghanistan in Iraq - he can't come to the door to pick her up?

 

So she races out the door when he comes to pick her up. I'm rather miffed. She is my most insecure child and this type of behavior just annoys me no end.

 

Anyway, the movie was at 9pm. At midnight I text her "How was the movie?" no answer.

 

at 1pm. I text. "Where are you? everything okay" - no answer

 

at 2pm - I'm getting seriously, seriously worried. I text again - no answer. I don't know this guys last name, she went in his truck and I have no idea what it looked like. Do I call the police? How in the WORLD do they figure something like this out. I'm thinking all the worst scenarios.

 

at 2:30 I call her 2x times and text. Still no answer. Should I wake up hubby? Should I call the police? My God! What has happened to my baby??!!

 

a little after 3am she walks in the door. Does she have any idea how worried I was??!! "Oops- turned my phone off for the movie and forgot to turn it back on. Went went back to his parents house and talked." Seriously?? Really?? I've been up worried sick and she just "oops". :toetap05:

I guess the good thing is I didn't go ballistic or hysterical on her. She did apologize too. But, I'm so annoyed and sleep deprived I don't know how I'm going to function today. My youngest was up before 7am. I don't think a nap is in the cards, we've got work to do at the old house. And of course, my husband slept through it all and has no clue. :glare:

Oh, my Debbie. I feel for you. And I suspect I am right behind you (15 year old daughter here) in experiencing this.

 

My condolences. They really don't think of us when they are out in their world.

[tex-mex]

-- Does everyone agree that this would be rude if staying for a while with other relatives? I would want to clarify that she would know not to do that at Aunt Tilly's or whatever.

I think the consensus that all can agree it is a courtesy issue.

 

I like how Joanne said to look at it from a developmental POV. She made a mistake. Advise how not to repeat the mistake with an agreement that treats her like the young adult she is.

 

She sounds like she has not been given the opportunity to grow in this area of responsibility and I am sure by the time she is 23 or 25, that situation (i.e. courtesy call) will not be in error again. It is a life lesson regardless of one lives with parents, roommates, Aunt Tilly, or her husband.

Edited March 18, 2012 by tex-mex

[Bluegoat]

 

-- Does everyone agree that this would be rude if staying for a while with other relatives? I would want to clarify that she would know not to do that at Aunt Tilly's or whatever.

 

I think most people are actually careful to be more polite and thoughtful when staying as a guest somewhere. It is a bit different in your own home, even if you share it with family or roommates.

[Haiku]

It is a life lesson regardless of one lives with parents, roommates, Aunt Tilly, or her husband.

 

I don't know. I have had several roommates, and I don't recall it being expected that we notify one another of when/where/with whom we were going out.

 

Tara

[Barb_]

After reading more posts, I have two questions for those people who think expecting a young adult to call home is going too far.

 

1. We own a house alarm and I pay a monthly service to feel safe. I cannot turn it on when dd19 stays out past when I go to bed (about 2am most nights). She doesn't want a code because she's worried she won't remember it and will set it off, which in turn will warrant a phone call from the security company.

 

I think it isn't unreasonable to expect your daughter to remember and use an alarm code. You shouldn't be up all night waiting. If she sets off the alarm, then she pays the fine or whatever the consequence is. That's just life.

 

FWIW...I don't think there is anything wrong with the expectation that people in a household call or text when they will be much later than expected. My husband and I text one another if we're going to be later than expected. On the other hand, it's probably not good idea to tell an adult child that you aren't sleeping until she comes home. That can come off as manipulative and overbearing to your grown child.

[TranquilMind]

This is the Freudian slip of the day!

LOL. But I don't WANT my reign to end!

[simka2]

PrincessMommy, I am sorry you didn't get to "vent" in typical forum fashion.

 

:grouphug: For what it is worth (even though my kids are younger) it was very foolish of dd to completely turn off phone AND not think to let you know she was not tied up in some strangers basement ;)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In other circumstances, with known friends, my mother had a simple rule. When I got home I was to go in her bedroom and wake her up. She had to sleep (she had and infant and a toddler), but she would not sleep soundly until I came in and let her know I was home. I did my fair share of foolishness and it was seeing the genuine fear for my safety and becoming a mother myself that allowed me to finally understand my own mom.

 

 

 

:grouphug:

[2squared]

-- Does everyone agree that this would be rude if staying for a while with other relatives? I would want to clarify that she would know not to do that at Aunt Tilly's or whatever.

 

I am learning a lot from this thread, and as usual, I feel like I live on another planet. :001_smile: When we are visit relatives, we don't tell them when we are going to be in for the evening. We share our plans, and then ask where the keys are, how to lock up, etc. I guess I'm unsure of how everyone knows when they will be done with their evening? If the evening is fun, it usually gets stretched out. If it's lame, then the evening usually gets cut short. Either way, we update our hosts in the morning. Maybe our families are just more relaxed than most.

[swellmomma]

I am learning a lot from this thread, and as usual, I feel like I live on another planet. :001_smile: When we are visit relatives, we don't tell them when we are going to be in for the evening. We share our plans, and then ask where the keys are, how to lock up, etc. I guess I'm unsure of how everyone knows when they will be done with their evening? If the evening is fun, it usually gets stretched out. If it's lame, then the evening usually gets cut short. Either way, we update our hosts in the morning. Maybe our families are just more relaxed than most.

 

See and with my family, as in my parents, my siblings, my grands when they were alive etc, we would give a rough timeline, and if the evening was going well and stretching we would check in and inform them of such. Or if we decided to stay somewhere else for the night w would call with a heads up etc. When my brother comes in from out of town they usually stay with my folks, same thing checking in, even if they are over at my sils place for the evening just to give a rough timeline of when to expect them. We all have keys for my folks place and they rarely use the alarm, so we could essentially come and go as we pleased but that would be rude.

[TranquilMind]

TaraTheLiberator: To me, waiting up for your adult daughter to return from a date because you can't sleep if she's not home or insisting that you meet her date are things parents of adult children shouldn't be doing.

 

 

Oh, you can wait up. You just aren't supposed to let her know that's what you are doing. ;)

 

I agree you can't insist on meeting the date, but it is a nice gesture if he will do that, and speaks well of him.

 

 

but policing her social life will be, at that point, beyond the realm of our authority over her. If she wants to stay out late, she can. If doesn't want to check in, she doesn't have to.

 

She doesn't "have" to, but it sure is a considerate, adult, and responsible thing to do, if she is unexpectedly extremely late.

 

I think that the age of cell phones and the expectation of instant communication has created an environment of heightened stress when the people we expect to contact are not responding to us. I know people, friends, family, and co-workers, who freak out when someone doesn't text them back immediately.

 

I ado agree with this and think my generation had it better, without that constant tech oversight.

 

I have to fight feelings of annoyance when someone doesn't respond quickly to me. But I also try to remember that, when I was 18, I didn't even have a phone (not even a landline). My parents couldn't contact me whenever they wanted. They didn't know what I was doing every hour of the day. And we all survived. When I was 18, I didn't talk to my parents hourly or even daily. It wasn't due to a poor relationship. There just was not the expectation of instant, constant communication in those days. And I think young adults had more freedom to be young adults and independent in those days. I think it helped them grow up and mature.

 

Totally Agree! We have made ourselves so dependent upon constant communication!

 

But then again, I may just be old and out of touch. ;)

 

Old and out of touch with you.

 

Oh, and as far as my dh being hours late and not contacting me: I don't worry.

I don't either. But that's because he always lets me know just to be courteous. It would be out of character for him to just not come home or call.

[tex-mex]

I don't know. I have had several roommates, and I don't recall it being expected that we notify one another of when/where/with whom we were going out.

 

Tara

:lol: Good point. I also had college roommates who could care less about my comings and goings. But should one have a roommate who cares... ;)

[EmilyK]

I am learning a lot from this thread, and as usual, I feel like I live on another planet. :001_smile: When we are visit relatives, we don't tell them when we are going to be in for the evening. We share our plans, and then ask where the keys are, how to lock up, etc. I guess I'm unsure of how everyone knows when they will be done with their evening? If the evening is fun, it usually gets stretched out. If it's lame, then the evening usually gets cut short. Either way, we update our hosts in the morning. Maybe our families are just more relaxed than most.

 

 

Interesting -- I think it does sort of depend on the situation. I can see if my husband and I were staying with relatives and we were going out, we would just have a key and do more or less like you say, though I think I would call for courtesy if the dinner looked like it was turning into a late night. That's pretty much what we do when we stay with my in laws, though given our age I can't think that we've ever been out much past midnight. I can see that my in laws would be much less alarmed about what a 50ish couple would be up to, than a young woman on a first date.

 

That said, these same in-laws had a 40ish nephew staying with them who didn't come in til 5 am, and they were pretty worried when he never returned from meeting a friend for a drink. I asked the question because I thought it was kind of odd that he didn't know that would upset them, and keep them up. (Their house is hard to lock up, and they stay up til 1 am or so, so the usual at their house is that they just wait up.)