Please tell me I'm not the only one who doesn't read parenting books or identify...

[helena]

with a specific style of parenting.

 

I'm reading the thread on Mayim Bialik and I'm feeling like I missed the boat on picking a team.

 

I never read parenting books except What to Expect When Expecting. I did once borrow a book called... something like All About Your Seven Year Old. When my seven year old saw it she went nuts! She was so mad that the book was nailing almost all of her "trouble spots". That's it.

 

Our pediatrician is Dr. Sears, but I've never read his books. I don't know what my problem is? :tongue_smilie: I love him, he and his sons have taken such good care of my kids over the years. Their advice in the office (and over the phone) has always been solid. I guess that's enough for me.

 

When we first started homeschooling I remember a lady asking me what style I was going to use. I had no idea what she was talking about. Now I can assume she was saying things like classical, Charlotte Mason style, unschooling etc.

 

By the time I sorted out all the categories of bringing up baby, they're 13 and 10! Oops! WendyK had me cracking up with her GD parenting. Maybe that fits what we did? Having said that I breast fed for.ever. the babies slept with us, and all the other little choices I made along the way never realizing that there were terms for them.

 

Anyone else out there doing their own thing? Has there always been so many strongly opinionated styles to parent? I honestly don't know. I was definitely raised GD style (my mom was a teen when she had me). My excuse is that I had my kids in a small beach town which is barely part of the rest of the world. :tongue_smilie: I look back and I'm amazed (and glad) at how isolated and free we were in those early parenting years.

Edited March 12, 2012 by helena

[Carrie12345]

I've always loved reading pregnancy, birth, and parenting books (hated What to Expect, sorry!). That said, I don't "subscribe" to any particular methods. I do whatever works for my family and for my individual kids.

[nukeswife]

My kids are 12 (13 in May), 10 and 6 (7 in July)

 

I never "Picked a team" I just did what seemed to be right at the time. I didn't breastfeed either of my sons, I did my dd for 2 days but that was because of the pressure from the hospital nurses. My kids did sleep with us in the bed from day 1 if that's what helped them sleep longer.

 

I just kind of figure things out as we go along. I've been complimented many times about my kids and how they behave and such, so I must be doing something right.

[Plucky]

I like to read parenting books. I haven't in quite a while because I think I've covered most of the developmental stages and ages. :)

 

I like to read positive parenting books. I've had to learn a lot on my own, through books, and rely on my instincts since I didn't have good role models growing up. In the last couple of years I've enjoyed parenting teen books, like How to Really Love Your Teen. Books like that have helped me a lot. I generally take what I need/like and leave the rest.

 

I may have to do more reading on adhd and the hormonal/moody preteen. hehe

[Pretty in Pink]

I don't generally read self-help, parenting, or 'How to Be a Better X' types of books; that said, I pre-ordered Bialik's book and can't wait to check it out. I am really attracted to her gentle parenting style and have enjoyed the interviews and articles of hers that I have seen/read. I don't know what all AP entails because, well, I never read any of those books. :D

[SKL]

People with kids have time to read parenting books?

 

I think I've read two. One was something about 20 things adoptees wish their adoptive parents knew. I just wanted a heads-up on that. The other was Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline, which was recommended by a fellow adoption forum member when I posted about issues with my dd. (It was better than banging my head against the wall [or my kid's skull].)

 

It would go against my grain to join a "movement" or adopt a "style." I like to listen and evaluate what people say and then make my own decision. And I have no desire to be involved in / associated with all the us-vs-them judgment.

 

I also reserve the right to think something is a great idea and still not apply it based on my own situation. Like cosleeping. Kid 1 hated it. Kid 2 was such an awesome sleeper from the day I took custody, I wasn't willing to mess with that. As an added benefit, I was able to adjust my work hours so I work after they go to bed. But if you cosleep, more power to you.

[Plucky]

People with kids have time to read parenting books?

 

I think I've read two. One was something about 20 things adoptees wish their adoptive parents knew. I just wanted a heads-up on that. The other was Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline, which was recommended by a fellow adoption forum member when I posted about issues with my dd. (It was better than banging my head against the wall [or my kid's skull].)

 

It would go against my grain to join a "movement" or adopt a "style." I like to listen and evaluate what people say and then make my own decision. And I have no desire to be involved in / associated with all the us-vs-them judgment.

 

I also reserve the right to think something is a great idea and still not apply it based on my own situation. Like cosleeping. Kid 1 hated it. Kid 2 was such an awesome sleeper from the day I took custody, I wasn't willing to mess with that. As an added benefit, I was able to adjust my work hours so I work after they go to bed. But if you cosleep, more power to you.

 

Good post. I reach for parenting books when I am having trouble connecting with one of my kids, or there is some kind of discord. I actually have been able to relax and realize some of the things my kids are going through are normal, and at others found out I was handling things in a way that was compounding the problem.

 

I don't do the radical books either. I did co-sleep the first 4-5 months of my babies' lives. We got better sleep that way.

[helena]

I'm thinking about my own question and realizing that ultimately I benefit from the ideas in parenting books since I joined TWTM board. :001_smile:

[Pamela H in Texas]

Well, I think if you're thrown for a loop, you'll do anything to find something that helps.

 

For me:

 

1) I was raised in a VERY controlling home with a good bit of abuse.

2) I wanted to do better for my kids.

3) I am quite high strung, not laid back in the slightest, naturally.

4) I probably would have been fine winging it had I stuck with one easy kid. I felt quite good about how I did those first few years with her :)

5) My second kid was something else; and I could just do better winging it anymore. To make it worse, I went the wrong direction first.

6) I throw myself into stuff. Why NOT learn to do better? And then better still? Why not try to do the most important job on earth to the best of your ability?

7) And now I have two kids who are making me revisit everything times 4 plus a little more. If I have to read 12 books and read each 7 times per year in order to not make their lives worse (or ideally to help them heal), I will. I'll take parenting classes, join online groups, go to support groups, etc. Well, okay, I'm already doing all that. And I'll continue as many times as I feel the need. I'm desperate to do a half-decent job with them (though I wish I could do a great job; just not positive I can because the learning curve is so incredibly steep).

 

Different people have a lot different circumstances with which to work. Maybe if I:

 

1) had been raised in a home that used good discipline and had no abuse.

2) wasn't so worried, fearful, angry, frustrated, irritated, etc

3) had only easy to average kids only (no dxes, trauma, etc)

4) believed in "good enough"

Edited March 11, 2012 by 2J5M9K

[mom2denj]

I am an attached parent and I didn't know it until I started coming to this forum. :D My oldest is 18 and I never heard that term until coming here.

[Mommy22alyns]

I've done things in such a mishmash way that I can't identify with one particular style. Same with homeschooling. I did read What to Expect and had the baby & toddler ones. They were helpful to me with Rebecca. But now if I have a parenting issue, I tend to just ask my online friends. Much more efficient than digging in a book. :D

[helena]

Well, I think if you're thrown for a loop, you'll do anything to find something that helps.

 

For me:

 

1) I was raised in a VERY controlling home with a good bit of abuse.

2) I wanted to do better for my kids.

3) I am quite high strung, not laid back in the slightest, naturally.

4) I probably would have been fine winging it had I stuck with one easy kid. I felt quite good about how I did those first few years with her :)

5) My second kid was something else; and I could just do better winging it anymore. To make it worse, I went the wrong direction first.

6) I throw myself into stuff. Why NOT learn to do better? And then better still? Why not try to do the most important job on earth to the best of your ability?

7) And now I have two kids who are making me revisit everything times 4 plus a little more. If I have to read 12 books and read each 7 times per year in order to not make their lives worse (or ideally to help them heal), I will. I'll take parenting classes, join online groups, go to support groups, etc. Well, okay, I'm already doing all that. And I'll continue as many times as I feel the need. I'm desperate to do a half-decent job with them (though I wish I could do a great job; just not positive I can because the learning curve is so incredibly steep).

 

Different people have a lot different circumstances with which to work. Maybe if I:

 

1) had been raised in a home that used good discipline and had no abuse.

2) wasn't so worried, fearful, angry, frustrated, irritated, etc

3) had only easy to average kids only (no dxes, trauma, etc)

4) believed in "good enough"

 

Pamela I hope I didn't come off as rude. I have total respect for you and your post here. I get it.

I've got two kids with Tourette's and between my husband and I, our family history is... nuts. I want my kids to have a totally different experience growing up than I did.

 

Respect to you for doing everything in your power to be a good mama.

[MistyMountain]

I did read parenting books when I was pregnant with my first. I identified with AP and some of the gentle discipline stuff I read like unconditional parenting. Now that I have kids I don't fit into a style and I definitely do not follow unconditional parenting at all. I do some AP stuff and some of it I do not follow. I don't like how some books and people makes it seem like if you aren't a gentle discipline AP crunchy mom then you are a bad parent. The books distort info and statistics to fit their view just like any parenting book. I haven't touched a parenting book again once I had kids except to look over sleep advice.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I've checked out many parenting books from the library. I haven't read any of them.:tongue_smilie: I always end up not having time to read them. The only ones I've read were ones I was specifically asked to read and review. Those I read because it was my "job" to do so (unpaid). I've had people try to pigeonhole me with a philosophy or style. It makes me mad when they do that because I make decisions based on general principles but not specific rules that say "if x then y."

[NicAnn]

I never read parenting books until I decided to become an AP leader and had to. I stumbled into AP....was doing all the things and then realized there was a term for it. So now occasionally I read a book to reinforce my opinion or idea.

[6packofun]

Exactly! The need for labels and "choosing teams" is just beyond me in this crazy life of parenting 6 very different children. It would make me feel even MORE like a failure than just trying to follow God's leading--and to a much lesser degree, that of the kids themselves--already does. LOL :lol:

[LadyMSews]

I did read a few parenting books, because I practically raised myself. My Dad left and my Mom was too busy working 3 jobs to keep a roof over our heads. I have no idea how to be a active, involved parent. Add in the big family dynamic, and I needed help.

 

That said, I do not 100% subscribe to any one parenting style. We did lean a little heavy on the AP side for a few years, but when you have 4 children under 5, it gets a little tricky. Now, I usually just look for help online or talk to a couple of IRL friends who have children older than mine and can give good btdt advice. I don't care which label what we do falls under, I just care that it works. :)

[Mergath]

I had to read a bunch of parenting books. I'd never even held a baby until dd was born. :tongue_smilie: I honestly didn't even know how a diaper worked. One of the nurses at the hospital had to show me. My mom didn't really seem to want kids when I was little, and she just didn't do much with us, so I didn't have much to look back on. Parenting books were my only window into actual parenting. I do think I learned a lot from them, too, and ended up being more into attachment parenting.

[LMD]

I read one when my oldest was an infant and found it helpful. It was a very encouraging 'follow your instincts', middle of the road sort of book - which was good IMO.

 

After that, no. We generally just try to use common sense... :leaving:

[Pamela H in Texas]

Helena, I was worried about offending you (and others too). I don't mean that anyone who chooses to do differently than me must have had it easier to me. I think some people are naturally more capable and confident. Or maybe something in their lives made them feel moreso? I'm not naturally either. Between how I grew up, my nature, and my circumstances, I just do the best I can and hope I'm not messing them all up in the process.

[Mommyfaithe]

I had to read a bunch of parenting books. I'd never even held a baby until dd was born. :tongue_smilie: I honestly didn't even know how a diaper worked. One of the nurses at the hospital had to show me. My mom didn't really seem to want kids when I was little, and she just didn't do much with us, so I didn't have much to look back on. Parenting books were my only window into actual parenting. I do think I learned a lot from them, too, and ended up being more into attachment parenting.

 

Me too. I had to read. I didn't even know anyone with a baby.....and there was no internet.....and my mom said " your baby, you figure it out." I did end up "attachment" parenting, but I never knew that term until coming here. I threw out lots of ideas that seemed either ridiculous or abusive or mean or just not me....and stuck with some ideas that seemed natural, loving and caring. I made mistakes, tried again, Made other mistakes......it all worked out. My older kids are loving, civilized, respectable adults, my kids are happy kids.....and I am still alive:D

[NanceXToo]

I read What To Expect When You're Expecting when I was 18 and pregnant with my now 20 year old.

 

I read The No Cry Sleep Solution regarding my youngest (now 6) who always was a horrible sleeper.

 

I read some homeschooling books when I started looking into homeschooling but that also included a couple that maybe weren't quite homeschooling books but more a philosophy like Better Late Than Early, and The Power of Play, and Preschoolers at Risk.

 

I've read some of Dr. Sears' articles online.

 

As for "choosing a side," I naturally leaned more toward what I later heard called (mostly on message boards) attachment parenting.

[rwjx2khsmj]

I read parenting books by the bag full when I was pregnant with my first. I read them a lot when she was little, then number two came along. Now, I will pick up a book if it looks like it will answer a particular question or deal with a particular issue. Sometimes, if the book clicks with me, I'll read the whole thing. If it doesn't I only read the section that pertains to my specific need and move on.

 

When beginning homeschooling, a dear friend suggested TWTM. I read that, it clicked with me, and though I've read a very few other homeschooling books, and scanned various others, TWTM is the one that's stuck.

 

Before beginning any new endeavor I like to do my research, but I'm not a seeker, generally. If something works I stick with that. When it doesn't then I go looking for what will.

[Maverick_Mom]

I think "how-to" books (parenting, homeschooling, etc.) pigeon-hole people (intentionally or otherwise). I would read books as a new parent or homeschooler and feel that while there were some things that I could agree with or relate to, there were far more things that I couldn't. And in my black-or-white (at the time) way of thinking, if I didn't fit the profile of the parent/homeschooler in that particular book, then it wouldn't "work" for me.

 

I've gotten much better over the years at gleaning what works from a book and leaving the rest, but I still feel that most of these books create the image of a neat little box of ideology and experience, and apparently I don't fit well into boxes. ;)

[Parrothead]

I've never read a parenting book. I have no desire to read one. The closest I've come to a self help book is Investing for Dummies and The Idiots Guide to T'ai Chi Qigong.

[beaners]

 

I've gotten much better over the years at gleaning what works from a book and leaving the rest, but I still feel that most of these books create the image of a neat little box of ideology and experience, and apparently I don't fit well into boxes. ;)

 

I am incredibly predictable when describing any kind of advice book, regardless of subject. I liked _____, but there was quite a bit I disagreed with. Sometimes I think it works against me, because certain principles work best when applied within a system instead of combined with elements from many other systems. Usually I have a purpose and goal for the things I add in, but sometimes I just throw an idea or activity into the mix without considering why it works in its natural setting. I know a lot of people who find a philosophy or method and adopt it whole-hog. I'm not one of those people. ;)

[fairfarmhand]

I read them because I have especially one child that totally flummoxes me. Completely have no idea what to do with her.

 

I don't jump into the "team" concept. I use different methods with different kids.

 

The only way (IMHO) to read parenting books is to look at them as a list of suggestions. Each family and kid is different. You may have some ideas work brilliantly with some kids, but be a miserable failure with another one. People who adhere to a movement no matter what do their children a disservice. Some kids need more structure and guidelines than others. Some kids need more cuddly time. You have to use common sense and really know your kids to understand what might work. Sometimes it becomes trial and error.

 

 

Above all, love. Everything should be tempered with love.

[astrid]

I have one child, a dd who will be 15 in June. (I cannot believe it!)

 

Other than "What to Expect When You're Expecting" I have only ever read two parenting book, neither for personal parenting advice but for a research paper I was writing. The two titles were "To Train Up A Child" by the Pearls, and Dr. Sears "The Baby Book."

 

So far going with our gut has served dh and I quite well, we think.

 

astrid

Edited March 12, 2012 by astrid

[elegantlion]

I had to read a bunch of parenting books. I'd never even held a baby until dd was born. :tongue_smilie: I honestly didn't even know how a diaper worked. One of the nurses at the hospital had to show me. My mom didn't really seem to want kids when I was little, and she just didn't do much with us, so I didn't have much to look back on. Parenting books were my only window into actual parenting. I do think I learned a lot from them, too, and ended up being more into attachment parenting.

 

I'd never changed a diaper either. I'd worked in a vet's office and cleaned a lot of animal doo, so it wasn't too bad in comparison.

 

I read what to expect when you're expecting. I'd also read a lot of other regular self-help books, but not parenting books. Ds seems to be turning out okay, he's a joy.

[Negin]

Our pediatrician is Dr. Sears

Can I just say that I envy you? :D

Love, love, love them. :)

[funschooler5]

Can I just say that I envy you? :D

Love, love, love them. :)

 

:iagree:

 

I read the Sears' books when I was pregnant with DD1. They were a nice alternative to What to Expect.

[Rosie_0801]

I've read a bunch. I figure if I can implant ideas into my brain, there's a chance they'll come back out when I need them.

 

So far, dd is so asynchronous that the most of the books are useless. Actually, the most useful thing I've read is the high school board here because there are people raising frighteningly (to me anyway!) asynchronous kids and they all seem to be turning out. That's reassuring!

 

Ds is still only three but he's starting to give me a horrible feeling that I'll be reading unschooling books for him. :001_huh:

 

Rosie

[delaney]

I have changed so much over the course of the last 16 years it wouldn't make a difference what I read.

I started out as the career mom who loved daycare, making class snacks, dressing my kids in $$ clothes.....

now I am well pretty much the opposite.

As for the kids, well, they are all so different that one style wouldn't work! The last 3 are very much attachment kids who love physical touch(post working babies) while the first 3 are less touchy. No one style of discipline works here. Some are positive reinforcement, some negative, and some are just 2 glasses of wine before noon kids.:tongue_smilie:

[JeneralMom]

The only book I read before having kids was The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth. We just did what felt right and natural. It was only when DS7 was about 6mos that I realized what we did was called "Attachment Parenting" and I started researching it, and actively connecting with other AP parents.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I never looked at it as "picking a team", but giving a name to a philosophy that resonated with me. I had already decided how to parent - I think it was coded in my DNA to be more of an attachment style parent. I didn't know that what we did had a name until I read a few books that validated our choice. That was important at the time because we were surrounded by people mocking our choice, since they could not fathom that there was anything between punitive and permissive. Funny how our kids have not turned out to be the brats they predicted. I have always been an avid reader (at least 'was' until I discovered these boards:).) I read before I had kids, I read while my kids were napping (either in their beds or at the breast) instead of having a perfect house:). Just when I thought I had the parenting thing "mastered" (ha, yeah right), I started reading about homeschooling.

 

As far as homeschooling styles went, I have always considered us to be "eclectic." I love the writings of John Holt - he was my first introduction to homeschooling. I also found that I didn't have the energy to be a good "unschooler" after my 3rd child was born, so we had to move to a more structured approach. I liked many of the things I saw in Charlotte Mason, but when I found out that the "companion" was several volumes long, I decided that I would rather spend my energy homeschooling that reading about it. When TWTM came out, there were things that resonated with me, but there were things that I knew would not work in my family. I picked and chose what would work for me.