Showers for second babies?

[Plaid Dad]

We've recently received two invitations to showers for families having their second children. Is it common these days for families having a second child soon after the first to have another round of baby showers?

 

One of these families had no less than four showers for their last child, and this time around invited more than 50 people to the shower, which they are hosting at their own house. Are other people seeing what I'm seeing here, or am I being uncharitable?

 

(For the record, we sent our regrets for that party but plan to give the baby a present after he is born and provide meals for the family's freezer.)

[Brigitte]

No, you are not being uncharitable. The whole thing with showers has gotten completely out of control.

[plain jane]

I've been wondering the same as you.

 

It seems to be a common practice of late where I am too. I have friends and acquaintances having showers for their third, fourth, fifth children, all of whom came in short succession of each other. And, might I add, these same people have also had showers for each of their previous children.

 

Dh and I have politely bowed out of most of these shower invites, though I was quick, like yourself, to send a meal after the birth.

 

For us, it got to the point that after attending each of their previous baby showers, there really was nothing left to bestow on the new baby. For some of these ladies, we were purchasing their second (and even third) infant car seat!!

 

While I do think it's great to see peoples' generosity and kindness in welcoming a new baby and sharing in a family's joy, I think it gets to be a bit much. :glare:

 

Edited to add that I do think it's fine to have a shower for a subsequent child if that child is of a different gender than the first (or first several). I have a friend expecting her first girl after 4 boys. Of course we'll throw a shower for them! It's when people start having showers for their second, or third child of the same gender that I start questioning the sentiment behind these showers.

[LunaLee]

:iagree:

 

Disclaimer, we did have a shower for our second child, but in all fairness our kids are 5 years apart and it was my husbands employees that put it together for us.

[Plaid Dad]

our kids are 5 years apart

 

I can see it if there's a gap between kids. My only sibling is 13 years older than I am; I'm pretty sure Mom had given away all his baby clothes by then! ;)

[Kathleen in VA]

I think the idea of a baby shower is to provide much of the expensive babyware such as the highchair, crib, bassinet, carseat, stroller, etc. If the family already owns these higher-priced items I would think another shower is not called for. Even if they could use seconds of some of these items, they are very often available at yard sales for very reasonable prices.

 

At our church we have a baby shower for everyone who has their first baby or for those who are having a baby after they joined our church even though they have other children. It's just a tradition.

 

I make a point to buy a clothing gift for the baby if it is a different sex than the first baby or if it has been a few years since the last baby.

 

A shower is, in my opinion, for the first child.

[runningirl71]

No, you are not being uncharitable. The whole thing with showers has gotten completely out of control.

 

:iagree:Yes, baby showers and birthdays seem to be totally out of control these days! I don't think you are being uncharitable at all. Did they have a girl the first time and are having a boy this time or something? It seems strange they would be hosting a baby shower for themselves!

 

I was given a shower for my third baby. BUT, she came 8 and 10 years after my other dc and we didn't have any baby things anymore.

 

Personally, giving a meal after the baby is born seems more charitable to the family than a gift. How many clothes can one baby where anyways? But, that's just me! :)

[Melinda in VT]

We had a shower for our 2nd and 3rd babies (twins) but except for my MIL and SILs, the people at the shower were friends from our new neighborhood, all people we hadn't known when our oldest was born.

[kokotg]

I think it's nice to have some sort of gathering to acknowledge second (and third, etc.) babies, but a full blown shower is, barring special circumstances, overkill. Among people I know, it's common to have a Mom's night out kind of thing or a baby blessing...if there are gifts at all, it's usually something small for the mom (nice bath stuff, tea or chocolate, etc.).

[MerryAtHope]

Well, throwing a shower for your own baby seems weird to me! Baby showers are usually thrown by friends/relatives, not yourself! We did have a baby shower for our 2nd, but we had just moved and the new church wanted to bless us & they put together the shower.

 

Merry :-)

[JumpedIntoTheDeepEndFirst]

I'm torn on the issue but do see many such events.

 

I understand the showers with a huge age spread between kids or a family with kids of one gender who suddenly find themselves with the opposite. They too have needs.

 

I also see multiple showers as common among transient populations. Ie. where you may have a different set of friends each time you have a baby.

 

No matter which baby it was I've always had friends supporting our family through each birth. That was what touched me the most.

 

And being brought a fab dinner after returning from the hospital-yea! That was good news for everyone!

 

Recently I've taken to giving babies grown up gifts-books, picture frames, ornaments for the Christmas tree. Something to treasure longer than a set of burp clothes or another blanket.

[Brindee]

Well, throwing a shower for your own baby seems weird to me! Baby showers are usually thrown by friends/relatives, not yourself! We did have a baby shower for our 2nd, but we had just moved and the new church wanted to bless us & they put together the shower.

 

Merry :-)

That's what I was going to say. I have NEVER heard of people throwing their OWN baby shower! WOW!

 

If someone invited me to a baby shower thrown by themselves, I think I'd bow out on the principle of the thing, especially if it's a second! IF, IF, IF it was a shower after the baby was born and they said, "Come help welcome our baby into the world, but PLEASE don't bring gifts", I'd be happy to support that! But this sounds like, "We decided to have a baby so we're inviting you to come pay for things we need for it!" ;)

[ereks mom]

 

Disclaimer, we did have a shower for our second child, but in all fairness our kids are 5 years apart and it was my husbands employees that put it together for us.

 

ER & EK are 4 years, 3 months apart, and of course, ER is a boy & EK is a girl. I had two baby showers when ER was born -- one given by the ladies from our church, and another given by my co-workers. When EK was born 4+ years later, the ladies from church gave us another baby shower, and so did my co-workers.

[plain jane]

I think the idea of a baby shower is to provide much of the expensive babyware such as the highchair, crib, bassinet, carseat, stroller, etc. If the family already owns these higher-priced items I would think another shower is not called for. Even if they could use seconds of some of these items, they are very often available at yard sales for very reasonable prices.

 

This is what dh and I thought too.

 

To be fair, the showers we (or just I in some cases) have been invited to have not been put on by the expectant parent themselves. But still, if it were for *me* I would not be comfortable having people come to a baby shower for our #5 should we have one. I would insist that my friend not have one or have just a fun night out to celebrate rather than a shower.

[Mrs Mungo]

We've recently received two invitations to showers for families having their second children. Is it common these days for families having a second child soon after the first to have another round of baby showers?

 

One of these families had no less than four showers for their last child, and this time around invited more than 50 people to the shower, which they are hosting at their own house. Are other people seeing what I'm seeing here, or am I being uncharitable?

 

(For the record, we sent our regrets for that party but plan to give the baby a present after he is born and provide meals for the family's freezer.)

 

I like that society is starting to swing toward hving a shower for every baby. Every baby needs some new outfits, diapers and such even if it's nothing big or elaborate.

 

I *really* don't like when people say "it's ok if the baby is a different sex or they're several years apart, etc but not for just everyone." If one person gets a shower with each baby, everyone should. You can't apply social rules willy-nilly. I've been in circles where that went on and it *always* wound up hurting someone's feelings. Protocol, social rules, etc are supposed to help *avoid* those scenarios.

 

On the other hand, you should be gracious and wait for someone to ask to throw you a shower and it should be close friends only. You shouldn't be inviting every person you know to a huge shower at your home. That is beyond belief! That's a clear sign of pandering for gifts and I absolutely agree with avoiding it.

[stephanie]

We did a shower for each of my 4 kids. However, after the first shower we only had a diaper and wipes shower given by my family. It's something we do in our family for each baby after the first. It's nice b/c it's a good time to get together, eat, talk, and get diapers and wipes which we all could use! Anything "big" that I wanted we bought ourselves.

[Susan in TX]

I had showers for my 1st, 2nd, and 3rd babies...all girls and all about 2 years apart. But I did not ask for the showers to be given. For my 2nd and 3rd children the shower was given by the ladies at the church we were attending (and we were going to a different church with each one.)

 

I do think that showers for babies after the first one are really unnecessary unless there has been a big gap between children and the parents no longer have any baby stuff, but I think people just like throwing parties, at least that seemed to be the case for me. The ladies giving the showers really seemed to enjoy themselves and since the shower was given after the baby was born it provided an opportunity for all the ladies to ooh and ahh over the baby.

 

When we finally had a boy (after 4 girls) no one gave me a shower (and I don't mind in the least) but we did have a reception in our home after his baptism and lots of people gave gifts.

 

We just had our 9th baby and it's been 5 years since our last one so we don't have any baby stuff but I still don't see the need to have someone give me a shower. We can afford to buy what we need and I have been pleasantly surprised by how little one really needs to have for a new baby.

 

Susan in TX

[Janna]

That's what I was told was the "thang" around here for subsequent babies. Instead of having a "shower" (getting the big ticket items), it's more of the smaller things - bottles, burp cloths, diapers - even pampering things for the mom.

 

I was offered by a friend to have one (I just had my 3rd baby, 6.5 yrs after my youngest and we thought we were done!), but I declined. I just didn't think it was right for a myriad of reasons. I had so many people telling me I was being too prideful by declining her invitation, but I am so glad I did. We have gotten all we've needed and then some by friends and family giving us hand-me-downs.

 

I don't think you're being uncharitable in the least. I do think that showers for a 2nd baby if it's a different gender than the first is totally fine, or even if the age is spaced far. Making meals is a huge help, and also offering to watch the other child or run some errands is, I think, a bigger help then the stuff you get at a shower.

[Marie in Oh]

Yes, all 6 of them. 5 girls in a row. They were given by loving friends. I don't believe that just bacuse a baby is 2nd or 7th means it should not be celebrated. Each of my showers had a different emphasis. One I got a new infant car seat, one a double stroller, etc. I just threw a shower for a 4th baby-- we got her a haircut and a pedicure (the mom not the baby). It was so she could feel good about herself going in to the birth. So, I have been to a mommy pampering shower, a diaper shower, a traditional shower, etc. They have all been to acknowledge the blessing a baby truly is.

 

I do think throwing one self a shower is odd. I've been to one of those, but it was a first baby, so we went.

[Jennifer in MI]

I think it depends on the situation too. If someone I knew were throwing a shower for themselves, I think I'd be inclined to turn down the invite. That's just plain rude, IMHO! But, if this were someone throwing a shower for the mother-to-be and it was a second or third (or fourth or fifth!) child, I'd go!!

 

We had a shower given to us for each child. Dh is the priest at our church and we have been in different churches with three of them. The one for our fourth child (and only dd) was the biggest BY FAR!!! People were SO excited for us because they knew that we'd lost three babies in between. And, this one was a GIRL!! It was really fun and I'm grateful to the women who threw it.

[Kathleen in VA]

I like that society is starting to swing toward hving a shower for every baby. Every baby needs some new outfits, diapers and such even if it's nothing big or elaborate.

 

I *really* don't like when people say "it's ok if the baby is a different sex or they're several years apart, etc but not for just everyone." If one person gets a shower with each baby, everyone should. You can't apply social rules willy-nilly. I've been in circles where that went on and it *always* wound up hurting someone's feelings. Protocol, social rules, etc are supposed to help *avoid* those scenarios.

 

On the other hand, you should be gracious and wait for someone to ask to throw you a shower and it should be close friends only. You shouldn't be inviting every person you know to a huge shower at your home. That is beyond belief! That's a clear sign of pandering for gifts and I absolutely agree with avoiding it.

 

I would love to be able to make a big deal out of every birth, but in the circle I'm in, it really is cost prohibitive. Lots and lots of babies and bridal showers and weddings and graduations .... just too much for our budget. DH is blue collar and works nights cleaning doctors' offices just to keep us afloat - has for 22 years. We do what we can, but it's a stretch just to keep up with the first babies.

[momofkhm]

With the second it was just the small group from church. It was a regular small group meeting. It was surprise (too me). I felt so lousy I didn't want to go that night. They gave me a 2 seat stroller.

 

With the third, it was a boy and the shower came after he was born. All I got then was clothes and boy books and other boy stuff. If he hadn't been a boy, we wouldn't have done it.

 

I do think it's a big thing with many showers these days and it is somewhat out of control.

[Mrs Mungo]

I would love to be able to make a big deal out of every birth, but in the circle I'm in, it really is cost prohibitive.

 

But I didn't say it had to be a big deal. It's easy to do a shower at the church-have a few ladies bring food and do small gifts.

 

One shower I threw for a mom to several kids we just bought her diapers and some relaxation goodies for her.

 

As others pointed out though, I do think showers for every baby is more common in "transient" circles like my own. ;)

[Chris in VA]

I can just see Miss Manners fainting dead away at the thought of someone throwing their own shower! And I have an idea for a new emoticon--One running around saying "Bad Form! Bad Form!" It would apply here.

 

I think showers are fine for all babies, but yes, there is some hesitancy towards the big showers for numbers beyond the first--and not everyone knows the sex beforehand (let's not forget that, please), so the shower for the opposite sex would have to be after the fact!

 

Anyway, I'd politely decline, and do exactly as you are--small gift and a meal--perfect!

[Jan in SC]

We've started having Welcome to the World parties. When the baby is four -six weeks we get together to visit and see the new baby and most people give a small personalized gift.

Basically we play Pass the Baby while the mom gets a meal and a couple hours catching up with friends!

This has been a great way to share the joy with 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc... babies.

[Brindee]

We've started having Welcome to the World parties. When the baby is four -six weeks we get together to visit and see the new baby and most people give a small personalized gift.

Basically we play Pass the Baby while the mom gets a meal and a couple hours catching up with friends!

This has been a great way to share the joy with 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc... babies.

This is exactly what our church does! Unless the parents-to-be need a carseat to bring the baby home in, we always wait until after the baby is born and they're settled in a bit, THEN give the shower--getting them things they truly need, or pampering things for the mom.

[abbeyej]

I've never had a shower (not a bridal shower or a baby shower). If I ever have another baby (my third), I'm totally having a shower!!! lol... ;)

 

I think it's totally fine to find yourselves "busy" if you don't care to go to someone's shower and to send your regrets. And yes, multiple showers for a single child strikes me as bizarre. But I don't necessarily think a shower for a later child is "wrong" (especially, for instance, if there's a large gap between children or some other reason why this baby may not have inherited items from the older siblings).

 

And I certainly enjoy a chance to have a party and eat cake with my friends, lol -- and what worthier occasion is there than the birth of a precious child?! :) ...

 

But I too would object if I felt it were being done out of a sense of entitlement to gifts. If that's what you're feeling with this family, I'd probably be "busy" too...

[nukeswife]

I only had 1 shower when we were expecting our first and my inlaws refused to come saying they wanted to have their own for me, which never happened. I kind of thought that's how it would go as they don't like me much.

 

Anyway on to the OP's question. I think it's ok to have a shower for each baby if it's something someone wants to do for you, but I do think it's just rude to throw one for yourself.

 

I do agree with the poster that said if you're going to do it for one person though it should be a common thread for all people in your circle. I know I was a bit upset, not mad but saddened, when we had our 2nd and had recently moved to a new duty station. About a month after moving there I was invited to 3 showers for the 2nd baby of women in our circle of friends and yet was told that I was too new to the group so they didn't feel comfortable having one for us, but yet we were expected to show up with a gift for the others. We felt very hurt and decided not to go to the other showers.

 

I guess things are just different now, when I was growing up all my Aunts only received one shower for their 1st child, it was considered greedy to have more than one as a shower is for getting the more expensive things in having a baby and you were expected to be frugal and keep things if you planned on having more than 1 child.

[linders]

I have 2 kiddos, just 2-1/2 years apart. I had a shower for the first but when asked only requested rather small things - I felt like we were able to provide all the big-ticket essentials. So instead, people gave things like a favorite childhood book (inscribed, of course), a photo album, a special blankie, an ornament. My friends asked if they could give a shower for the 2nd little guy and I said sure, with it being things along the same lines. Thus, each boy has some special items of their own to treasure, and they like to be reminded who gave each thing.

 

My showers weren't huge affaris, and I didn't view them as a chance to get all my baby gear (although if someone has that need, I respect that).

All showers are the opportunity to honor any child as a new special person.

[Scarlett]

And yes, multiple showers for a single child strikes me as bizarre. QUOTE]

 

When I had ds8, we had 4 showers thrown for us.

 

In my circle of friends, every baby gets a shower. No one is forced to attend. No one is forced to buy a gift. Certainly, no one is forced to buy an expensive gift. I have attended many many showers taking a $10 gift. A baby shower is like any other event....it can get out of hand (cost wise) or not. Regardless, here in our area, the arrival of every child is cause for a celebration of some sort. I wonder if it is a southern thing?

 

I do think throwing oneself a shower is tacky. And sad. More sad than tacky. :(

[Tracey in TX]

Complete agreement here!

DD is 12 months younger than DS and I declined any baby showers b/c it felt greedy and unnecessary, despite us having no money and having opposite sex child. We could make due, though, with what we had already.

I was immensely grateful for two baby showers for our triplets (less than 2 years later) b/c we needed multiples of almost everything! Swallowed my pride for that!

 

The baby showers and bridal showers are so overdone now. Looking forward to a bit of simplicity. Will we ever have it again, without feeling like social lepers?:D

[Mom2legomaniacs]

Well, we moved while 6 mo preg with the first and then while 3 mo. with the 2nd and again at about 5 mo. with the 2nd (rented and then bought). I had one very small shower given by my dear friend with grad. school buddies in attendance. Very much gifts from the heart given there. No shower for the 2nd at all. Our families were wonderful about picking up and getting us the big items we needed and couldn't afford at that time. So when I hear about multiple showers, I will admit I have a tinge of jealously. And a bit of thinking uncharitably too.

 

And when my dear friend had many showers and was going nuts about not knowing if her MIL was going to get her the $200+ car seat she wanted and acting all a fool, I wanted to smack her. She went nutso. If we needed something, we just bought it or did without.

 

So I don't know how I feel about them. Probably not all that great. But if the baby havers are not in control of the plans and others are doing it for them, then I guess not their fault. And to be fair, I have seen some theme showers for subsequent babies involving people doing a freezer filling for meals or bringing items to donate elsewhere.

[Plaid Dad]

A couple of points of clarification. My dw pointed out that, technically, grandma is hosting the shower, but (1) it's at the couple's house; (2) they sent out the invitations to 50+ people; and (3) they set up a registry.

 

This couple belongs to my dw's church. The denomination does not do infant baptisms, but they do have a dedication ceremony. The last baby had a dedication in church plus a party after that, with gifts. I'm assuming the couple will be doing the same for baby #2. So it's definitely not a case of not celebrating the new baby or getting a chance to gift and congratulate the family. And the church organizes two weeks' worth of meals for new parents (and others in need), so that's also happening.

 

In thinking about this more, I'm realizing that my final question was a false dichotomy. These people are being greedy and I'm being uncharitably crabby about it. These are people whose materialism I frankly disapprove of...and my disapproval changes nothing for them, but makes me bitter and resentful. I need to get over that, not only because it's fruitless, but because it's bad for my spiritual health.

 

We're still not going to the shower, but I see that I need to work a whole lot harder on loving these people.

[Scarlett]

These people are being greedy and I'm being uncharitably crabby about it. These are people whose materialism I frankly disapprove of...and my disapproval changes nothing for them, but makes me bitter and resentful. I need to get over that, not only because it's fruitless, but because it's bad for my spiritual health.

 

Ah ha. So the history and your personal knowledge of this family is really at the core of this--more so than showers for 2nd babies. Correct?

[Kari C in SC]

If somebody was having a same sex baby just a year later, then I may think that was too much. If somebody were having a different sex child, then maybe. Then there is the case of a subsequent multiples pregnancy. Finally, there is my situation. I had my first and second kids nearly 10 years apart. The first was a boy and the second was a girl. I had nothing for a baby. I lived in a different state from my first baby. Then there are 6 years between my second and my third - the last baby was a boy. Again, I had nothing for a new baby. I had showers for each of my kids. I didn't ask for or expect them, but I was so completely grateful for them. So, my answer is it just depends.

[ereks mom]

I have NEVER heard of people throwing their OWN baby shower!

 

That does seem presumptuous!

[Philothea]

I probably would not attend the shower or send a gift for the shower. However, depending on how close I was with the family, I would probably drop over with a small token (diapers, onsies, or a baby outift) and a card once the baby was born.

 

In my mother's family I have a cousin my age. This cousin has made bad decision after bad decision in her life. She gets constant praise and help, even though the entire family is against the lifestyle she is living. They are also against mine (homeschooling, patriarchy, trad. Catholic), although I have a happy home and did everything "right" according to the standards of our religion.

 

I'm not saying I want anything from them, or a shower. But it does hurt when my own mother and sister plan a whole shower for someone who is obviously just using them. I think what really burns me up is knowing that some people just think the whole world should pay tribute to them.

 

Now with baby number three, we are going to host a small dinner for the godparents and our priest. The following week, we are going to set up a "meet the baby" day in which we are going to provide food and drink for people that won't be able to attend the Baptism and dinner. I'm not expecting any gifts, I wouldn't reject them. But I do feel that it is a special time and I would have liked to have a big Baptismal party (not do-able under current circumstances), so I want to share it with my friends.

[Plaid Dad]

Ah ha. So the history and your personal knowledge of this family is really at the core of this--more so than showers for 2nd babies. Correct?

 

Well...sort of. I am particularly negative about the one couple because of their m.o., but there's another couple having a second shower and I don't really get that either. The second baby is the same sex as the first; they still have all the stuff; the only even slightly big ticket item they need is a second car seat, which they'd have to buy for their toddler anyway. In their case, I think it may be the fact that they are moving and the baby will be born on the other coast, so people want a chance to wish them well before they go. I certainly don't begrudge them that, and we do plan to attend their combination shower/going-away party. We're giving them a gift card to a national chain we know they shop at, since they can use that for both any baby things they do need, or for their new house.

 

I guess I don't see the point of a second-baby shower unless the family has a real need for baby things. That might be because they don't have gender-appropriate clothes (although do onesies really need to be gender-specific?). It might be because there's a large age gap between children and the family has given away all the old things. It might be because they are in financial need and truly can't afford a new car seat.

 

Part of the reason I feel that way is that the norm here is to give gifts to the baby after birth, whether or not there's a party or religious ceremony. (As I said, this church doesn't do infant baptisms, and not all parents do dedications - but every child gets gifts regardless.) If that were not the case, I might not be as put out by the showers. But in effect people are expected to give two gifts, one before and one after.

 

The other part of this is philosophical. I am a real minimalist when it comes to material possessions. We had very, very little stuff for our dd. Some of that was necessity; when she was born we lived in an apartment so small that there wouldn't have been room for a crib or changing table if we'd wanted one. But 90% of what other families consider needs, we consider wants - and often ones linked to parenting practices we have a very hard time with.

 

So part of the problem is how much to compromise on our own strongly held convictions when it comes to gifting people who don't share those convictions, and may in fact reject them just as strongly. Do we buy what they're asking for even if we believe that such things are harmful? Or do we give things we think will be helpful, knowing that it's entirely possible those gifts will be neither appreciated nor used?

 

I'd be very interested to hear other people's thoughts on this, because it comes up again and again for us. We don't want to impose our beliefs on others, but neither do we relish being put in a position where the only socially acceptable thing is to go against our beliefs. What says the hive? :bigear:

[Brindee]

Maybe the gift card thing is the way to go if you feel you really SHOULD get something. That way you're not giving them something you know they may not use, and they can get what they feel is best.

 

Otherwise, I think it's crazy too, to be xpected to give a before and after gift. When that happens here we do one or the other not both. And if that's not socially acceptable, then I guess we are social misfits! ;)

[Mom2legomaniacs]

I would buy nothing I was really opposed to nor would I give a gift I was sure would be unappreciated. I would try to find some small token of something that would be both useful to them and acceptable to you (the giver). It doesn't have to be something on their list. Surely there is something that would work. The focus should be on the blessing of the new little life coming in to the world. Maybe a little something for later on. I usually give books and some pjs for an 18 month old or so. Those are always appreciated. And you know, when then get to that age, things do start to wear out and get yucky. For ex. my older ds was the king of the blow outs. So some things were horribly stained and gross. A new set of pjs were nice to have that were not "broken in" by big brother!

[Lisa at Home]

:iagree:

 

 

 

So, I guess, sometimes it's not the parent's fault.

 

My second was a same sex child as my first, and I just didn't need anything. I would prefer to have a few items of quality than mounds of low quality, made-in-China junk. Maybe I sound unappreciative. I guess that's because I really was, and I felt like I was being put on the spot.

 

I also somewhat resent having to buy, buy, buy, all the time for all these people. Not only that, but it is a huge commitment of time and money just to throw the shower. To me, that is money that could be better spent. I guess I don't appreciate much the "party" aspect of a shower, since I'm kind of a homebody.

 

This probably doesn’t help much. I just agree with you. I think it's really out of control.

 

I do have a few friends with 5+ children who never expect anything. For them, it is a great joy to fix a meal or go help out with some housework and take maybe a small sentimental type gift for just that child.

 

It stinks that so many people feel like they have a right to have expectations of what everybody OWES them.

 

~Lisa

[mo2]

We had a shower for our second, but our babies were 5 years apart, and we had gotten rid of most of our baby stuff. Plus, when the first was born, we lived 600 miles from home and none of our family was able to attend the shower. If #3 comes along, though, there will be no shower. :001_smile:

[Scarlett]

I guess I don't see the point of a second-baby shower unless the family has a real need for baby things. :

 

The point is the joy of welcoming a new baby. That is the norm here. I don't buy two gifts for the same child--unless I really want to. Then again I don't buy one gift for a child unless I really want to. In your area, is the 'after' gift given at a party of some sort? Or just drop by? Seems to me it would be easy to just not do that. Not even socially awkward.

 

The other part of this is philosophical. I am a real minimalist when it comes to material possessions. We had very, very little stuff for our dd. Some of that was necessity; when she was born we lived in an apartment so small that there wouldn't have been room for a crib or changing table if we'd wanted one. But 90% of what other families consider needs, we consider wants - and often ones linked to parenting practices we have a very hard time with. :

 

Like what? What kind of practice? At any rate, buy what you want to buy. My mom gets all irritated by registries of any kind....she claims it ruins the gift buying experience for her. I just tell her to buy what she wants to buy. I can't imagine your gift would be rejected, unless maybe it was something to do with a different religion.

 

When I go to a shower, I try to take into account their circumstances. If they are finanicially struggling, I might spend more or buy more necessities. Recently I went to a shower for a couple having their first child and I knew for a fact this baby girl had every single thing she needed and more. So I bought books. Turns out those were the ONLY books this child received as a gift.

 

Bottom line is an invitation to any event can be declined. You are never required to buy a gift.

[Jennifer in MI]

You know, I go through this nearly every time I get invited to a shower. I really hate to add to STUFF - most of which I find totally unnecessary. But, I have found a few things that are appreciated by most women - whether or not they share my parenting philosophy.

 

1. If they are breastfeeding - a "Breastfeeding Survival Kit". It includes a nice basket that they can set next to the place where they choose to breastfeed most often. In it is snack food, a nice water bottle, a breastfeeding book, a book for baby, pens, paper, Lansinoh, the phone number for the local LLL Leader, etc. Often I'll add a note to the couple instructing dad to be sure to fill it up for mom with snacks and water before he leaves for work.

 

2. Books for baby. I love this one!!! I usually have each of my children pick one out and ask that it be one of their favorites from when they were little. Then, I put a note with it saying which child picked each book and why. It is ALWAYS appreciated.

 

You know - if I were in an area where it was expected that you do a shower gift as well as a gift after the birth, I think I'd just do a simple shower gift and then take over dinner afterward. I think that's plenty!!

[swellmomma]

I have not read all the replies yet so perhaps other people do like we do. We have "sprinkles" for 2nd and subsequent babies. They are not showers and are always held after baby is born, what it really is is a chance to pass baby around, have tea etc with close family and friends, gifts are not expected, generally it's what they would have given if I allowed visitors at the hospital. FOr me because I don't like visitors after baby is born for a good 2-3 weeks, it becomes the official welcoming of the baby into the extended family kwim. That said I never throw my own showers/sprinkles, they are hosted by family

[Storm Bay]

Normally, showers should only be held for a first baby. There are exceptions, such as when someone has an unplanned pregnancy years after the last baby was born and they've already given all their old baby stuff away, or in a second marriage if there has been a gap and all the baby stuff is gone.

 

Are the parents themselves hosting these showers? Because that's just plain rude, IMO.

 

However, I do like to make a meal or do something else to help out. New babies are always special.

[Peek a Boo]

I think showers for every baby is a great idea. Even if it's just consumable stuff --my 4th was almost ALL diapers and wipes [even tho she is the only girl], and it came in handy when dh lost his job right after that.

 

yes, i think hosting your own is bit presumptuous, but I would probably go anyway if the situation warranted the conditions. i'm pretty hesitant about using "rude" for an unknown situation. You seem to have a pretty good handle on it tho, and it might be a valid critique here :)

 

i wouldn't have a problem w/ a grandma hosting a party at the mom's house: some people simply have better facilities for hosting than others.

 

I don't even necessarily have a problem w/ multiple showers --for different circles of friends. smaller parties are usually more fun: you can chat a bit more. But i don't think i would GO to more than one... for that very reason!.

 

eta: OH! and I also have NO problem whatsoever w/ gift cards and gift registries. if one feels led to purchase off the registry, that should be fine imnsho. i've never set up a registry, but wouldn't hesitate to recommend it to someone.

 

good luck on persevering in your spiritual life :)

[Storm Bay]

I think showers for every baby is a great idea. Even if it's just consumable stuff --my 4th was almost ALL diapers and wipes [even tho she is the only girl], and it came in handy when dh lost his job right after that.

 

yes, i think hosting your own is bit presumptuous, but I would probably go anyway if the situation warranted the conditions. i'm pretty hesitant about using "rude" for an unknown situation. You seem to have a pretty good handle on it tho, and it might be a valid critique here :)

 

 

good luck on persevering in your spiritual life :)

 

Good points. I think my attitute was matching that of my brand new avatar (because I lost my old one and don't want to have to rescan. When I was a baby the doctrine was to let your baby cry uninterrupted for an hour a day to develop their lungs, so you can see me wailing.) I do now live in a part of the country that is "rude" compared with many other parts, and sometimes it rubs off. By "rude" I mean blunt, men don't stand on the train for pregnant women, bank tellers and cashiers NEVER smile, kids aren't taught to give up their seats for adults, etc. Now, "rude" is relative, and I based my initial opinion on the manners I'd learned in BC & CA way back when.

 

At any rate, I actually often do give gifts for babies other than the first, mostly when I see that people really could use the help, but I don't think showers are generally necessary. I love the idea of those "sprinkles" though.

 

So, do you think my spiritual life is in jeopardy because I'm cranky today?;) Because sometimes I just am, and I speak less than politely, later regretting my strong words as I do now. I could have said it so much more nicely and filled it out a bit.

[Plaid Dad]

I assumed the spiritual life comment was directed to me, since I'd mentioned that my attitude toward one family was less than charitable. :)

[Karenciavo]

I'm with you Drew.