5Bmom Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Do you think 5 and 3 is too young to a ttend a funeral? I am worried about it, to be honest. It is for their great-grandma. She was cremated and there is a memorial at a chaplr and then interment in the cemetary. I worry about even explaining how grammy got into the urn... I know that is silly. However NOT going will cause a huge family rift and I have no childcare options. WWYD Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Honestly, I wouldn't. They're just too young to understand, imo. I'm basing this on my kids though...other kids may have different maturity levels. I'd make the decision based on what's best for my kids, and not what other ppl think we should be doing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Honestly, I don't take children to funerals. I know many, many people do, and I don't think twice about seeing children there, I just don't want to deal with little kids at one myself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennsmile Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 I have taken young children to a funeral it is like a church service and they are used to it. I haven't had to explain cremation..maybe the ashes to ashes and dust to dust scripture if those are your beliefs. And explain that after she died she wanted her body turned to ashes. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
athena1277 Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 If I were to take kids that young, I don't think I would comment on the urn. I would tell them it is a special service to remember great-grandma and leave it at that. Cremation would probably be a scary concept to a young child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angel Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 My children have always attended viewings and funerals with me. They are well-behaved and I answer any questions with age appropriate answers. In my family it is just the "norm." Both of my girls went through an age where they were intensely curious about the body (which will not be the case for you), but that passed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 We have always taken our kids, and they are fine with it. They did not ask about cremation until 6, and that was not taken badly at all, because we believe that a person's soul goes to heaven and the body is just a shell. The kids understood that it was just the body that was cremated, not the person they knew. Just surround any conversation with what your family believes about the afterlife, and it will be ok. :grouphug: for the loss of your grandma. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scuff Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 I feel like funerals are a part of life that we shouldn't shield kids from. My kids have been to several funerals over the years. And young kids tend to bring joy to those attending. We just attended one Saturday and i did have to step out for a few minutes when the baby got restless. So do be prepared for that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bug's Mom Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 My dd was 3 when my mom died. My mom had cancer and was at home with hospice care. Dd spent time with her there, so "kind of" knew what was going on. We took her to the funeral. She's been to several funerals, the first when she was just a few weeks old...the saddest was at my mom's cousin's funeral. Dd was about 4 and knew this woman from summer concerts in the park, mostly. She went to the coffin, blew her a kiss and said "Night night, Audrey". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa in the UP of MI Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 My 3 oldest have been to three funerals, and the youngest to 2. They were all great-grandparents. At the first one the kids were almost 4yo, almost 2.5yo, and 6 months. DH's grandma had been cremated, but the kids didn't notice. The other two funerals were 2 months apart when the kids were 5.5yo, 4yo, 2yo, and a young baby. Both of my grandpas had cancer and we had already been telling the kids that they were sick and they would be going to heaven soon to be with God. They were totally fine with the funerals. They had a few questions which we were able to answer. I wouldn't take them to any funerals that were not for a close relative. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErinE Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 My dh's extended family is very close so everyone is expected to attend a funeral. There's usually a parent, grandparent, or aunt/uncle set up in the back with all the children. When a child is loud, they are whisked away by any one of several family members. If you are expected to be there, bring the children and sit in the back. Your children may not understand exactly what's happening. Just remind them their great grand-grandmother has passed away and the family is having a celebration to remember her. I wouldn't explain about the urn unless they ask. If there are questions, put in in simple terms. Googling "explain cremation to a child" pulled up some good advice. If it were me, I would take my kids. My family kept the children away from funerals and although it sounds silly now, I had an unhealthy fear of them well into adulthood. I don't want to encourage that fear in my kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 My dc started going to funerals when grandpa died and the oldest was 2 1/2. They were in church services similar to what they attended at home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMD Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 My children were 5, 3 and 3 weeks old when I took them to their great-grandmother's funeral. They had spent a lot of time with her and adored her - especially my oldest. Like pp have said, we tried to be as matter-of-fact about it as possible. Age appropriate but not shielding. Great-grandmother had not been cremated, open casket, and both my children chose to view her. They were sad, but not traumatised at all, they just grieved along with the rest of us. We took them to the viewing service and the funeral service (different days) but not to the actual burial. We have taken them to one other funeral since, but it was not a close relative, we were really more there as support for the grieving family. We didn't get too involved, just attended the funeral service, and our children were not upset at all. It's a personal decision, but in our family/culture we assume children will attend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparrow Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Our children have always attended funerals with us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WeeBeaks Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 If the children knew and loved the person, I would take them. If they had no relationship with the person really, I would skip it. I went to a funeral of my brother when I was 4. I remember it, pieces and parts not the whole thing. It was fine for me at the time, but again it was obviously close family to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abbeyej Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 I'm in favor of taking children unless there are specific (circumstantial or personality) reasons why it wouldn't make sense in a particular case. Can you go just to the service at the chapel? But really, if you need to (and they may not ask), you can explain, "Once Grandma died, she didn't need her body any more." Offer more information as they ask and as much detail as they demand -- but you can keep your answers minimal if they don't ask for more information. I was sorry I didn't take my children to my grandmother's funeral when they were that age. The travel was mostly the issue. They would have been fine and in retrospect, seeing them would have been a comfort to my parents and grandfather. They have since attended two more funerals for my grandparents (they're older now, it's been over the course of a few years) and they really were *comforting* to other family members. And I think it's *helpful* to children to experience funerals of people that are not *truly* close to them. They experience other people processing grief and loss without being subsumed by it themselves. It's like a tiny inoculation against what they will inevitably face in deeper ways through their lifetimes. Now, 3 is borderline for me. 5 is perfectly capable of understanding. Given the other circumstances, I would take them. If you need to sit at the back of the room or slip out with them at some point, everyone will understand and you won't hurt family members by skipping it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NittanyJen Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 If the children knew and loved the person, I would take them. If they had no relationship with the person really, I would skip it. I went to a funeral of my brother when I was 4. I remember it, pieces and parts not the whole thing. It was fine for me at the time, but again it was obviously close family to me. This. I have taken my kids to family funerals where they were close to the family member. My kids are pretty sensitive, and would have been furious, even when as young as 4 or 5, if not given a chance to say good-bye (my son WAS furious when not taken to the hospital in time to say good-bye to his great-grandfather when we knew his time was imminent; he was 5 at the time. He as been permitted to head for the hospital with us for all such occasions since, and has in fact been the most well-comported family member there, often knowing the best thing to say of all of us). I disregard advice of people who say little kids don't "get" death; at least in the case of my kids, they clearly do, and should not have their need to grieve and be a part of the process underestimated if it is someone they are close to. That said, if it is someone they don't even know, I would not drag them out just for tradition's sake, either. Often a distant relative is willing to babysit in such times. I am, in any case, sorry for your loss. There really is no manual for the right thing to do. Whatever you choose to do will be fine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momtoamiracle Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 we took our son, aged 4, to his g-grandma's memorial service. There was no urn there, but if there was we would have passed on it I think. It would have freaked him out to explain cremation. We just told him she had died because she was very old (99) and we were having a special meeting for her. it all depends on what you're comfortable with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WillametteMom Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 As a child, I was always taken to family wakes, rosaries, and funerals (as were all of the children in our extended family). I think this familiarity with the process made it easier for me when my father died suddenly when I was 13. My husband and I bring our dc to family wakes, rosaries, and funerals as well. When my mother (with whom my dc were very close) passed away (two years ago this June), I think being familiar with the rituals made the experience somewhat easier for them. We're Irish Catholic and sharing these times is part of our family culture. We always finish up with an Irish wake. It's cathartic for us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angela in ohio Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 It would depend on how well-behaved they are. Since they are closely related, if they can sit nicely, I think it would be great for them to go. Little ones make people happy. :001_smile: I wouldn't explain the urn, though. (I've never been to a funeral where the person was cremated before the funeral, so I'm not sure if you can avoid telling them that or not. :confused:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 My children have always attended viewings and funerals with me. They are well-behaved and I answer any questions with age appropriate answers. In my family it is just the "norm." Both of my girls went through an age where they were intensely curious about the body (which will not be the case for you), but that passed. I agree. I was left out of a funeral or two when I was as old as 10 or 11. Grandparents. I think kids are part of the family and should be included. I went to a beautiful Hispanic funeral for a friend and there were dozens of children. They explained to me that the kids are always included. They sang and listened and ate like everyone else. My Mom died when my kids were 5 and 7 and we took them. They had no trouble understanding about Grandma. The only way I would not take a kid is if there were special issues that would make the presence of my child distracting to others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irene Lynn Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Only you know your children and what they might need or what YOU might need at this funeral. I would have no trouble taking my children at any age, unless I was really, really struggling myself and needed the time for my own thoughts without interruption. I have never been to a funeral that made me feel that way, but I could see it happening. My own grandfather died, when I was 5. I remember it and am thankful for that. I remember going with my parents and Grandma to buy the casket, too. The best memory is that I was able to bring a little comfort to my Grandma on that day. Since I was little, I said something to her in that childlike way that touched her. She talked about it occasionally through the years. To me it was simple. Grandpa had been sick. He was going to die. He did die. We were sad to miss him and so we missed him together. It really wasn't mysterious or anything. I had already had a cat who died. My own dd went to funerals pretty young and had no trouble. Her own grandfather died when she was 7. The funeral wasn't nearly as hard as the adults all being so busy for a few days in a row. We tried to break it up for her, but we were far from home. A friend of Grandma offered to let her come play with their children for an afternoon and that was a huge blessing. My own son has not been to a funeral yet, but we have looked at the process of mummification and looked at a mummy at the museum. :) And he is such a boy and constantly wanting to do battle with all sorts of things and death is involved. I can't see any problems with his understanding, but I can see issues with boredom. Oh, wait! He did go to one recently. See? I am blocking it already. We took along a new special Lego toy to help him through calling and the funeral. Boredom was the only problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeacefulChaos Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 (edited) Do you think 5 and 3 is too young to a ttend a funeral? I am worried about it, to be honest. It is for their great-grandma. She was cremated and there is a memorial at a chaplr and then interment in the cemetary. I worry about even explaining how grammy got into the urn... I know that is silly. However NOT going will cause a huge family rift and I have no childcare options. WWYD I would take them. Do you have to explain to them how she got into the urn? Even if you do, I think it'll be ok. I think it would be much better to go than not. (We've had to take our young ones to funerals for family many times. Sometimes when they were little I had to go out into the foyer partway through, but in general no one minds. DD was 6 months at one of the most recent ones, and was humming quietly as she chewed on her toy elephant. :) ) Edited February 20, 2012 by PeacefulChaos Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindy in FL. Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 We've always taken our children to funerals. Cindy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
higginszoo Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 For a close-ish family member, I defer to family custom. For my family, it's definitely a 'bring them' situation. My dc were 4 mo, 5, 6 and 7 at my grandfather's funeral and 4, 8, 11 and 12, and my niece was a month old for my grandmother's. Not bringing them would not have gone well with the family, they were all good, but disturbances would have been understood. At my grandmother's funeral, we got a great picture of my kids and my cousins' kids (9 altogether, ages 12 down to 3), all sitting in the front pew together (with no adults). They did great ... but my dad did the service, and wouldn't have considered them a disruption unless things had REALLY gotten out of control. Dh's family is the opposite. At 15, he was considered too young to go to his grandmother's funeral. Truthfully, he still resents it 25 years later, but it would have made waves/caused a commotion to have 'a child so young' there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissel Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 If I were to take kids that young, I don't think I would comment on the urn. I would tell them it is a special service to remember great-grandma and leave it at that. Cremation would probably be a scary concept to a young child. :iagree: If it will be that big a deal in the family, I would take them. We had to take our DDs to DH's grandmother's viewing (one of the three days) and then the interment the next day, when they were just barely 8 and 5. They were both fine with it--they were a little sad, and they understood what was going on, but really, it was like a mini family reunion to them. We brought lots of things to do (paper, crayons, books, my phone, etc.), and we parked in a corner of the room with our bag of stuff. I was free to stand near them and chat, and DH was free to travel the room and talk to people. Her casket was open, and I was worried they'd have a problem with that, but they really didn't. We had the "soul vs. shell" discussion as well, and they understood. I don't think I'd have the cremation talk though. Good luck with your decision, and I'm sorry for your loss :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tohru Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Do you think 5 and 3 is too young to a ttend a funeral? I am worried about it, to be honest. It is for their great-grandma. She was cremated and there is a memorial at a chaplr and then interment in the cemetary. I worry about even explaining how grammy got into the urn... I know that is silly. However NOT going will cause a huge family rift and I have no childcare options. WWYD Sounds like you answered your own question. For your kiddos - a simple explanation would be fine. They don't need to be burdened by details. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 I left my son with dh's nephew and wife for my mother's funeral, even though he'd spent quite a bit of time with her before her final illness. He was 4 1/2. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimmy Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 The first time I brought my children to a funeral they were 4 and 1. Many people commented that they were glad to see the children. I did have to take the 1 y/o out for a bit because she was noisy. The 4 year old did great- I talked to her ahead of time about what to expect. She was very matter of fact about everything. I wouldn't take my kids to a child's funeral or to a friend/ acquaintance funeral, but for family funerals I do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hmvaughan4 Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 When DH's grandma died, we took the boys to the showing and beginning of the funeral. Once the ceremony was to begin, we took them to the family room (separate room with large table). SIL's friend volunteered to stay in the room with all of the great grand-kids. She brought snacks, coloring books, crayons, and small toys. It was such a nice gesture and I would have never thought of doing that. I'm not sure it's an option, but just something to remember in the future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sputterduck Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 I had my 7 year old at the actual death moment of my grandma. I think it's an important life lesson to be dealt with thoughtfully and proactively. I'd have done the same if he was 2, even. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K&Rs Mom Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 We've taken our kids since they were toddlers, including some relatives they were close to. It's common in our family, though, so they were never the only kids their age. We had to be very clear on behavior expectations, and ready to leave the room if they started to act up. It wasn't disturbing to them at all, because we've been open to their questions and treat death as a normal part of life - this happens to everyone someday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plucky Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 If they knew her well I would take them if possible. Can your dh take them out if they get noisy? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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