Son Misbehaved at Co-op -- Feedback? Ideas?

[Purple Cat]

I have a six year-old son who is taking ONE class at co-op. The class is lively, but his behavior was over the top. He kept tackling his sister during the class, grabbing her, wrestling her, etc. and ignored the teacher's repeated admonitions to stop, sit down, etc. Then the big doozy. He responded to the teacher's question by saying the name of genitalia. He made a similiar inappropriate reply, again referencing genitalia, in his sister's class 4 days ago. (The usual child care arrangements weren't available that day, and he had to sit in with her and read for 30 minutes). During that last incident, he lost computer use for 24 hours.

 

For today's behavior, I took away all computer use and all shows except National Geographic and PBS for one week, after he has attended the same class again and shown appropriate behavior. I also had him apology to the teacher, and told him and her to send him into the hallway where I am located during the class. I told him if he did it again he couldn't take the class and would need to sit in the hallway while his sister took the class and he would also need to pay me the $30 cost of hte class.

 

Feedback? Ideas?

[Leav97]

How old is he?

[Purple Cat]

He's 6 years old.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don't see how your punishment fits what he did at all. If I were the teacher I would have insisted that you be present in that class and take him out the very moment he started to be disruptive. And I wouldn't have given a second chance after that.

[Just Kate]

I agree with everything you said, except for my kids, they would lose ALL tv for a week (all electronics actually!).

 

And :grouphug: for you...this parenting thing is tough, isn't it?

[Unicorn.]

Well first, I'd wash his mouth out w/ soap. Then I would either sit in on the class w/ him or I would pull him out because he obviously lacks the maturity to handle being in a class w/out your presence. I would also have a long talk about the inappropriate behavior.

[SKL]

I think I'd ground him from that class for a while so he would understand the magnitude of his disrespect. In addition to the loss of screen time, etc.

[Tohru]

:grouphug:

 

I guess it depends on your parenting style. I would try to find out why he couldn't maintain civilized behavior in the setting. It seems like he was bored and probably needed something else to occupy himself.

[Shellydon]

At that age, he would lose the class. If he were older, say 9, I would attend class with him, which would be embarrassing. At 6 though, he would not attend for the rest of the year.

[Guest]

I have a six year-old son who is taking ONE class at co-op. The class is lively, but his behavior was over the top. He kept tackling his sister during the class, grabbing her, wrestling her, etc. and ignored the teacher's repeated admonitions to stop, sit down, etc. Then the big doozy. He responded to the teacher's question by saying the name of genitalia. He made a similiar inappropriate reply, again referencing genitalia, in his sister's class 4 days ago. (The usual child care arrangements weren't available that day, and he had to sit in with her and read for 30 minutes). During that last incident, he lost computer use for 24 hours.

 

For today's behavior, I took away all computer use and all shows except National Geographic and PBS for one week, after he has attended the same class again and shown appropriate behavior. I also had him apology to the teacher, and told him and her to send him into the hallway where I am located during the class. I told him if he did it again he couldn't take the class and would need to sit in the hallway while his sister took the class and he would also need to pay me the $30 cost of hte class.

 

Feedback? Ideas?

 

Can you sit in on the class every week or do you have duties elsewhere? I would absolutely intend to sit in and correct any issues immediately.

 

Your first "punishment" was not severe enough and did nothing to address the offense.

 

I try to avoid ever saying, "If you do this again, XYZ will happen." I am apt to say, "You are NEVER to do this." If they do it again, consequences will come with swift certainty.

[Slipper]

Is he always this boisterous? if so, I would just tell him that he can't take the class. If he typically is well-behaved, I would ask him why he felt the need to behave the way he did. Maybe he wanted to show off a bit?

[Little Nyssa]

I think the punishment was a little much... (Also, how would he repay the $30? does he have allowance/chore money?)

I think the teacher should have sent him out quicker, but hopefully she will next time, now that you have made that plain to her.

I would wonder if the class is just not engaging him, and he is acting out because he is bored. Does he like the class? Does he want to be there? (It also seems to me that not all 6 yr old boys would be able to read quietly for 30 min while a class with youngers was taking place... My DS7 might not be able to do that, & I wouldn't blame him.)

I think if he wants to be there, you will be able to convince him that he can't continue unless he behaves.

[Soror]

At 6 I would be sitting with him IF he got to go back and then there would be at least a week hiatus of excellent behavior to earn that class. I'd expect some awesome behavior while sitting in the class for at least 1-3 visits before he was allowed to attend alone. I cannot believe the teacher did not come to get you. If you cannot sit with him then I wouldn't let him go at least for awhile.

[Gingerbread Mama]

I think you are on the road to a good plan of action. I know it does sound better to take away all tv, but I also have a kid that acts like what you described. He totally cannot entertain himself at all. Stripping ALL priviledges from him would just result in an upswing in horrible behavior from him as he acted out for attention. That's just my two cents, I'm not saying you are wrong for letting him keep some TV, just that I would probably do so for the reasons above (were it my son.)

 

I'm kind of 50/50 on whether you should attend the class or just carry on with having the teacher send him to you in the future. On the one hand, sending him in alone does give him something to work towards and sends the message that you think he is capable of behaving himself. OTOH, if I were the teacher, I might rather have you on hand to deal with a problem when it began. Maybe do one class with him? Tell him you want to observe him on his best behavior in the class and, if he succeeds, tell him afterward that you want him to behave that way from here on out or the teacher will send him to you. If he fails at it with you in the class, it might be that he just isn't ready for that situation and needs to withdraw now.

 

Big hugs, sometimes I wonder if people think I allow my kids to run wild at home based on how YDS acts in public. He isn't always that way, but he can be a doozy!

[Alicia64]

I really think that how it's handled depends on the particular child. Some six year olds just can't sit still for a co-op class and act appropriately. And yet they're fine once they're eight.

 

It's possible that his silly behavior was more about his inability to say, "this class is too overwhelming for me and I don't feel ready for it" than being a "bad kid."

 

Alley

[Pretty in Pink]

Is his behavior out of character? I would pull him from class for a week (if you can't behave then you can't go) and then let him try again. He's already had two chances. If he messed up again I would pull him for the semester.

 

Unless he earns a substantial weekly allowance I don't see how making him pay you back for the class would have any effect. Punishments that drag on and on for weeks on end at that age are, in my opinion, a waste of time.

[ma23peas]

Make him apologize to the teacher respectfully, reassess what is tolerated at home as far as his behavior is concerned.

[StephanieZ]

Sounds to me like you are doing it just right.

 

The only other thing I'd do is that I've made my kids write a written apology note/letter to teachers when they've acted up badly. The effort of writing the note makes an impression, and the teacher really appreciates it as well. So, I'd have him write up the note this week, then deliver it personally a few minutes before class next week.

 

Also, right before the next class, be sure to kneel down on the floor with him face to face, and CLEARLY describe the behavior you expect. Be sure he can verbalize to you what is expected.

 

That immediate reminder is often helpful to me.

[Miss Marple]

First off, is he younger than the others in the class? I'm asking since his sister is in the class as well. Are they the same age? If he is younger, it is probably an inappropriate class for him since he cannot focus.

 

Second, it is not fair to the other students and the teacher to have a disruptive student. If the rest of the kids in class are focusing and if the class is age appropriate for him, I would remove him because he cannot behave.

 

Either way, I would remove him from the class. I cannot think of any subject a 6 year old NEEDS. He just may be too young for an organized co-op.

 

As a previous co-op teacher and coordinator, I would ask anyone to remove a student who behaved in this manner. He has already had a second chance. He may just need a little more maturity - 6 year old boys are all over the place when looking at levels of maturity. I wouldn't see this as much as a punishment as an opportunity to teach about responsible behavior and the consequences of poor choices and disobedience.

 

You may save yourself future headaches and heartaches by removing him and waiting for him to grow up a bit.

[catz]

I really think that how it's handled depends on the particular child. Some six year olds just can't sit still for a co-op class and act appropriately. And yet they're fine once they're eight.

 

It's possible that his silly behavior was more about his inability to say, "this class is too overwhelming for me and I don't feel ready for it" than being a "bad kid."

 

Alley

 

:iagree: My son attended full time kindergarten and first grade. Some boys this age aren't ready for group learning like this. I had my daughter taking a co-op class at 5 and she drove me nuts. And academically she's well ahead. She just was not in any way interested in some else's agenda at that age. We quit the co-op. I would consider now again for the fall. Is he comfortable sitting and reading for 30 minutes in other settings? How is his behavior typically?

 

I'm not saying you shouldn't punish him. I think you should. I just think you might be setting up for problems if this isn't the right environment. It may actually turn him off to reading and learning and he may start labeling himself.

Edited February 13, 2012 by kck

[Julie in CA]

Well first, I'd wash his mouth out w/ soap. Then I would either sit in on the class w/ him or I would pull him out because he obviously lacks the maturity to handle being in a class w/out your presence. I would also have a long talk about the inappropriate behavior.

Yeah...this is not fashionable according to current child-rearing recommendations. :glare:

 

Unpopular though it may be, that's exactly what would have happened at my house. ;)

And no, I don't mean extended amounts of time ingesting massive quantities of highly toxic substances. Quick, easy, and *boy* does it cement the connection between the punishment and the infraction!

 

After that, an appropriate apology would be given, and unless there are other mental and/or emotional issues with the kid, that would be the end for us both.

 

ETA: And Unicorn, I'll be your friend in the slammer when they lock us up for child abuse. Of course, my grandma would be there, and my great-grandma, and pretty much everyone in their generation would be there too, 'cause the definition of abuse has morphed over the years, and most of the child rearing methods of old have now been debunked.

Edited February 13, 2012 by Julie in CA

[maddykate]

I think it is important to teach kiddos self control. In this case, I would make sure that I was present during the next class. Tell him before the class exactly what will take place if he misbehaves. Discuss with him exactly what types of behaviors are considered misbehaving. (lots of kids don't realize that what they are doing is not appropriate in that situation). Discuss that you will give him a clue when he is doing something wrong. Like a silent signal between you two so that he stays tuned in to you. It could be a thumbs down, or a squinted eye, or just anything that you can do to show him ( and only him) that he needs to tame his behavior. Likewise, have a signal that you can use if he is acting right. As for the consequences, I think they need to be swift and sure. If you see that he is not able to control his behavior, you need to remove him immediately from that situation and deal with that issue. A tried and true discipline in our home was to put their nose in the corner. Every single time he misbehaves use your discipline choice immediately. I found with my dc that long tern consequences were totally wasted....they never made the association with their behavior and the bad thing that happened to the for a week. I liked immediate action far better.

[Joanne]

I think that you were too permissive at the start. The moment a school aged child repeated a corrected behavior, I would have pulled them from class that day.

 

I'd give them another chance to do better. I'd include some coaching and role playing on how to deal with the "extra energy" that can amp up in new situations. It's common for kids to express the anxiety or excitement in inappropriate, child like ways. I'd explain that, and teach them how to deal with that energy. I'd set them up for success by going over and practicing the event.

 

But if on try 2, they failed, I'd pull the 6 year old boy. That would be the end of the consequences, though. I see this as an issue of immaturity and impulse contol and you can't punish those into a child.

[SailorMom]

As a co-op leader, I have to say that I appreciate you not making excuses for his behavior, i.e. blaming the teacher and/or other students in the class.

 

:iagree:

You're one step ahead of a lot of parents I know right there :)

 

I, too, will be beside you in jail if you chose to use soap ;) . I always laugh about the Christmas Story.... lol..... "It was...... soap!".

 

We only did it once or twice, and only for about 20 seconds (that's plenty!)...

 

Hang in there :grouphug:

[Parrothead]

I don't know your ds so I can't say if your consequences are appropriate or not.

 

I know my dd and if something like that happened, she'd not be going back any time soon. I see it as a sign of immaturity not to be able to behave appropriately for the setting.

[Purple Cat]

Thank you, everyone, for taking the time to give me feedback and suggestions.

 

I think I was unclear about one aspect. Today was the first time he behaved inappropriately in this class. He took the class last semester (with his twin sister) and behaved beautifully. In fact, I thought him and his sister behaved better than many of the other children.

 

Today was the SECOND time in short sequence that he's uttered a reference to genitalia in an inappropriate setting. I totally agree a six year-old boy sitting in his sister's all-girl activity for 30 minutes reading is asking A LOT, if no too much. I have to be there because of her medical needs, but I probably would sit in the hall with him right outside in the future.

 

I really don't know why he acted that way in the class today. . . He generally behaves very well in class settings, but can also choose times to get ridiculously silly, overly rowdy, etc. He does have sensory issues. He and his sister were the first ones in the class, and I walked in to find the teacher there, and the twins being CRAZY, WOUND UP. She's a very talented teacher, but probably over excites and over arouses. (I don't mean this as a criticism of her. Some personalities and styles are calming and organizing. Other personalities and styles are exciting and arousing. I'm the latter, too.) The class acts out dramas and is very physically active, which is why I chose it as the one class for my twin to take. It's very engaging and I don't think he was bored. Maybe the tackling was a signal that he really needed to be out running, swinging, jumping and doing all those big-movement, big propioceptive input things instead of being in a classroom. Nonetheless, he just cannot act that way, and that need doesn't excuse his behavior.

 

I sit outside the door because of my daughter's medical needs. I really regret not walking in and escorting him out of class. (Me staying in a class with him tends to escalate behavior more than get him towed in line when he gets like that.) I don't know if the teacher will necessarily be quick to send him out if he gets too rowdy -- the class can get too rowdy -- but I will be quick to wisk him out if he misbehaves in class and fails to respond to correction.

 

We use reward charts and he does earn money for good behavior; good participation (especially in activities or settings he finds difficult); homework completion.

 

Thank you.

[WeeBeaks]

Can you run him around the block 2 or 3 times before class? That is what I would have to do with my boys honestly. And even then ....

 

Alternatively, since you indicate this is highly abnormal for him, is he coming down with an illness? My own boys act out incredibly right before they show symptoms of illness.

[kalanamak]

Can you run him around the block 2 or 3 times before class? That is what I would have to do with my boys honestly. And even then ....

 

 

I would increase outdoor time. At 6 we worked on 3+ hours a day outside and playing hard. Keeps his papa young. :)

[celticmom]

I agree with everything you said, except for my kids, they would lose ALL tv for a week (all electronics actually!).

 

And :grouphug: for you...this parenting thing is tough, isn't it?

 

:iagree:My dd would have had and has had similiar consequences except I take away all sweets as well.

[melissel]

Does he care at all about the class? In my experience with our co-op, some of the younger kids just really don't care much about taking the class. They're interested, but not enough to really focus. If this is recurring behavior, I'd just take him out of the class. It doesn't sound like he's quite ready.

[3peasinWa]

I think that you were too permissive at the start. The moment a school aged child repeated a corrected behavior, I would have pulled them from class that day.

 

I'd give them another chance to do better. I'd include some coaching and role playing on how to deal with the "extra energy" that can amp up in new situations. It's common for kids to express the anxiety or excitement in inappropriate, child like ways. I'd explain that, and teach them how to deal with that energy. I'd set them up for success by going over and practicing the event.

 

But if on try 2, they failed, I'd pull the 6 year old boy. That would be the end of the consequences, though. I see this as an issue of immaturity and impulse contol and you can't punish those into a child.

 

agree to the 1000th %. :)

[Laurie4b]

Thank you, everyone, for taking the time to give me feedback and suggestions.

 

I think I was unclear about one aspect. Today was the first time he behaved inappropriately in this class. He took the class last semester (with his twin sister) and behaved beautifully. In fact, I thought him and his sister behaved better than many of the other children.

 

Today was the SECOND time in short sequence that he's uttered a reference to genitalia in an inappropriate setting. I totally agree a six year-old boy sitting in his sister's all-girl activity for 30 minutes reading is asking A LOT, if no too much. I have to be there because of her medical needs, but I probably would sit in the hall with him right outside in the future.

 

I really don't know why he acted that way in the class today. . . He generally behaves very well in class settings, but can also choose times to get ridiculously silly, overly rowdy, etc. He does have sensory issues. He and his sister were the first ones in the class, and I walked in to find the teacher there, and the twins being CRAZY, WOUND UP. She's a very talented teacher, but probably over excites and over arouses. (I don't mean this as a criticism of her. Some personalities and styles are calming and organizing. Other personalities and styles are exciting and arousing. I'm the latter, too.) The class acts out dramas and is very physically active, which is why I chose it as the one class for my twin to take. It's very engaging and I don't think he was bored. Maybe the tackling was a signal that he really needed to be out running, swinging, jumping and doing all those big-movement, big propioceptive input things instead of being in a classroom. Nonetheless, he just cannot act that way, and that need doesn't excuse his behavior.

 

I sit outside the door because of my daughter's medical needs. I really regret not walking in and escorting him out of class. (Me staying in a class with him tends to escalate behavior more than get him towed in line when he gets like that.) I don't know if the teacher will necessarily be quick to send him out if he gets too rowdy -- the class can get too rowdy -- but I will be quick to wisk him out if he misbehaves in class and fails to respond to correction.

 

We use reward charts and he does earn money for good behavior; good participation (especially in activities or settings he finds difficult); homework completion.

 

Thank you.

 

I would work on the sensory stuff. For instance, you could do big proprioceptive stuff with him BEFORE class, so that he's gotten lots of prop before he even enters the situation. If he pops out of a car and right into class, his "engine" will be low and he'll need to do a lot of activity to rev it up. Trouble is that most kids rev it up and it goes right through "medium" into "high." (Have you been exposed to the engine language? It's very helpful.) So if it's at a church, you might take him on the playground and rather than free play, have him to stuff that will give him strong input (like those things that you have to hang from and go hand-to-hand while hanging off the ground). Have him do push-ups or wall push-ups, etc. Get him to the point where his "engine" is even-keel before he walks in.

 

Then he needs strategies for if he starts to rev up in class. He can do chair push-ups (seated in chair, hands on sides, raise body up off chair), interlock fingers and press down on the top of the head, chew gum (very calming), etc. You might have the teacher send him out as soon as he starts to wind up and have things he can do in the hall -- like wall push-ups-- until he can go back into class again.

 

For potty mouths, I have my kids clean the potty and the surrounding floor. He could do that at the co-op, too. I think the apology to the teacher, etc. is sufficient at this point with also losing t.v. BUT I think the more important thing is to give him strategies so that he can maintain his self-control.