joannqn Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 My 12 year old is a bit bossy. My 10 year old is argumentative. They are fighting way too often. Example: We call the kids into the kitchen to get drinks for dinner. DD comes right in. DS drags his feet. When he arrives, DD says I'll fill you take (meaning she'll fill the cups with water and he's to carry them out to where we will be eating). He wants to fill and expresses this. She's already doing it so she counters. Then a fight breaks out. Then mom and dad get mad. DS complains about DD bossing him around. DD acts oblivious to what she's done to contribute to the problem. My take is that they are both wrong. Every time they are both given a task to do together (like getting drinks above or picking up the living room), she tells him what his part of the job will be. She is always confused as to why he's mad at her. And he dislikes being told what to do by her. Plus, he's argumentative even with us, his parents. So, how would you handle it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jan in SC Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 She gets there first, she gets to choose. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 You assign each of them a task, before your dd has a chance to tell your ds what to do? Or maybe institute a new rule where everyone gets their own drinks? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 Kinda agree with Jan. OR, Maybe YOU can decide. YOU be the bossy one. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joannqn Posted January 24, 2012 Author Share Posted January 24, 2012 That's just an example. The problem is bigger than drinks or picking up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forget-Me-Not Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 Honestly, at my house they'd both lose privileges for fighting/arguing/bossing. It drives me no end of crazy to have my kids bickering, so unless there is a clear instigator, both parties involved in the fight get punished for it, because it usually takes two to fight. The end. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WeeBeaks Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 Just the ages? I don't have kids quite that age, but do have some personalities like that in the house. I have been reading Louise Bates Ames books (Your ____ Year Old series). She comments that certain ages nearly always clash (and you are in them there). Add to it some natural personality inclinations, and it might be like you have. I separate mine often for tasks. We rotate who is "kitchen helper" each week (9yo, 6yo or 3yo) and that person does setting the table, filling the drinks, etc. That person also grocery shops with me. We divide the house into rooms and one child usually has primary responsibility for it. Others may be assigned to help, but the person with ownership of it gives the order for that room. It's working reasonably well. :bigear: For more ideas too as every new year brings new and exciting conflicts here in our house too. LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 Do you think frequent and severe beatings would help at all? ;) And when I say, "help," I mean "help you," not the kids.:tongue_smilie: Otherwise, I don't really know what to suggest. It sounds like pretty standard brother/sister behavior to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EKS Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 Whoever is first into the kitchen fills and whoever is second takes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 The first to obey, show up to obey, whatever, gets to choose which portion they do. if they fight about it - the BOTH get to do BOTH parts. they can both fill and both take the glasses to the table. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 Assign specific tasks... A you fill, B you carry or A you get drinks tonight. My 12 year old is a bit bossy. My 10 year old is argumentative. They are fighting way too often. Example: We call the kids into the kitchen to get drinks for dinner. DD comes right in. DS drags his feet. When he arrives, DD says I'll fill you take (meaning she'll fill the cups with water and he's to carry them out to where we will be eating). He wants to fill and expresses this. She's already doing it so she counters. Then a fight breaks out. Then mom and dad get mad. DS complains about DD bossing him around. DD acts oblivious to what she's done to contribute to the problem. My take is that they are both wrong. Every time they are both given a task to do together (like getting drinks above or picking up the living room), she tells him what his part of the job will be. She is always confused as to why he's mad at her. And he dislikes being told what to do by her. Plus, he's argumentative even with us, his parents. So, how would you handle it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlebug42 Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 Mine are younger but we have had similar issues. What I have had to do is split them up for chores. For example, on MWF, Sweet-Pea is responsible for cleaning up the bathroom and Boo-Boo has the living room. On TThSat, they switch. It has saved me a lot of bickering. Also, when the bickering begins, I send them to their own rooms (since they share, one sits in my room) to read for a while. It is not a punishment and they know this, but it is to give everyone some quiet time to cool down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 I'd be inclined to split them up. One does the whole job, the next time you need something done, you call the other one. Usually after a few days of that, they start wishing they could share the work. When we had to do that here, we made sure each kid spent some time doing whole jobs that weren't fun. Getting drinks to the table isn't a big job, but doing an entire load of laundry, including folding and distributing the clothes was something they really decided they'd rather share. And once each figured that out, they seemed to work together pretty well for a while. And if they don;t work together, whatever. You still get your work done, and can assign more to the kid who slacks off...to build character, ya know. We had to go through this several times with our oldest two, who seemed to have an internal tally sheet to make sure everything was FAIR. The younger two haven't fought. They're abnormal children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 Do you think frequent and severe beatings would help at all? ;) And when I say, "help," I mean "help you," not the kids.:tongue_smilie: Otherwise, I don't really know what to suggest. It sounds like pretty standard brother/sister behavior to me. :smilielol5: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Girls' Mom Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 When mine get in to the rut of bickering constantly, an enforced hug is in order. I'm talking extended hug time between the offending siblings...it usually starts out with icks and grumbling, but ends up with laughing. That may only work with certain personalities though. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 My 12 year old is a bit bossy. My 10 year old is argumentative. They are fighting way too often. Example: We call the kids into the kitchen to get drinks for dinner. DD comes right in. DS drags his feet. When he arrives, DD says I'll fill you take (meaning she'll fill the cups with water and he's to carry them out to where we will be eating). He wants to fill and expresses this. She's already doing it so she counters. Then a fight breaks out. Then mom and dad get mad. DS complains about DD bossing him around. DD acts oblivious to what she's done to contribute to the problem. My take is that they are both wrong. Every time they are both given a task to do together (like getting drinks above or picking up the living room), she tells him what his part of the job will be. She is always confused as to why he's mad at her. And he dislikes being told what to do by her. Plus, he's argumentative even with us, his parents. So, how would you handle it? First one there gets the choice of jobs? If they both get there at the same time, then they take turns picking? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 Mine are two years apart. Ds likes to have his own jobs and finish his own cooking. He doesn't get the get in there and get it done together thing. The confusion of it all tends to make him walk in circles. They don't like to be bossed by an older sibling. We have never completely figured this out. In my childhood the jobs were set for the week and it solved a lot of the noise. If they are going to carry on with each other I would send them to their rooms until they can be polite. As an encouragement my memory and their's, of these sorts of things, is getting fuzzier. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonersl Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 Honestly, at my house they'd both lose privileges for fighting/arguing/bossing. It drives me no end of crazy to have my kids bickering, so unless there is a clear instigator, both parties involved in the fight get punished for it, because it usually takes two to fight. The end. :iagree: I would also have some sit down talks with both of them explaining how detrimental what they are doing, with fighting all the time, is to not only their relationship but, also to their relationship with you. Consistency on your part, with consequences and gentle reminders of the proper ways of dealing with each other. Maybe you need to set up some sort of chore chart where each is responsible for certain tasks that don't rely on one child telling the other one what to do, how to do it, etc? I understand that this issue is not only task related but maybe start with what can be under your control (the assigning of tasks) and then work on the bigger issues. We deal with this at our house too so I am giving you suggestions that others have given me. It is a continual work in progress and it is down right exhausting some days. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 Aha! You have accurately described interactions between DD18 and DS16 at that age! First - it got better as DS has gotten older. Someone mentioned negotiation skills - DS definitely had those delayed and it showed. And it frustrated DD hugely. She felt RESPONSIBLE for his not behaving well and was constantly trying to CHANGE him and MAKE him behave in a way that didn't upset the whole family. Second - our long term strategy was to SPLIT.THEM.UP. That was the age where we went to a one week job rotation - posted on the fridge. Each of the older kids was responsible for a particular chore area and they rotated every Sunday (eliminating the FAIRNESS issues). I would recommend that - for a while - you watch for the times that are triggering the fighting and keep them separated. At first it will seem like you are separating them all the time, but as they learn to give each other some distance, it will help with the fighting. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2l&j Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 If your house is like mine then they will always be in conflict about something. They can get along fantastic for about 15 minutes maximum in the same room. Let me know if you find something that works. My kids are 9 and 11. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2squared Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 However it won't happen that way because 10 has an agenda - getting power over 12 and parents - when his agenda should be helping mama get the meal on the table asap. This is a good point. If you can facilitate working as a team - both 12yo and 10yo - the bickering should be reduced. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 hi joann - what you do may depend on what the goal is.... are you just trying to get drinks on the table? have kids share somewhat equally in chores? have them learn to work together? fwiw, we've worked with two of ours who are quick to organize their siblings. what has worked so far with both is to suggest they say nothing and see what happens next. yes, we know they can see how it might work best or most fairly... but what they may need skill development in is helping others opt in to the activity...... the idea that they could choose to be quiet was an eye opener for both of them.... and helped sibling relationships a lot. ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gramlingk Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 We were having very similar issues this week. I have a son 10 and a daughter 11.5. They were bickering over the silliest things. We were not sure what to do either. What we decided was to take it to the Teacher. He says, if any of you lack wisdom, ask me and I will give it to you. What we remembered was that when he was showing the disciples how to lead, he washed their feet. We decided what we were looking for was for our children to learn how to lead by thinking of others more than themselves. Obviously this is a big task that even adults have trouble carrying out. However, we decided to lead by example. We read the story to them then asked if they wanted to be leaders - someone that others look up to because of the choices and behaviors they exhibit. They both responded in the affirmative. So, we told them that Jesus said to be leaders we must first be servants. Washing someone's feet is a great act of service. If you add praying for that person as you wash their feet, it is a powerful combination. My husband and I led the kids in this activity by washing their feet first. Then, we asked each of the kids to participate in washing their sibling's feet. I hope that the message came through. We'll see how it goes. I am sure there will be other times when tempers flare but I hope this is a reminder to them about the importance of putting other's first. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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