CookIslandsMommy Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 I have been struggling this year (2011) - still 30 minutes to go...with homeschooling and being with DD 5 at home. Life at the moment is difficult, we live geographically isolated...we have not been able to find a church that we fit in and I have barely any like minded friends. DD5 is very strong willed and argues with me. I could say the sky is blue and she will argue it is black. For the first couple of year after she was born I put 100% of everything of me into her. I spent all my energy on her, all my time on her. I had dreams of how I wanted her to be and become. She isn't really honouring to us or obedient, at least not all the time, or only if it is when she is wanting to. Things have turned out differently. She is difficult to manage and sometimes I wonder whether anything I teach her is really learned by her. She does read and write well. BUT she doesn't really receive my teaching. I feel so sad that my dream of having a beautifully obedient, quiet honouring child isn't happening. We have tried to shield her from any negative influences & becuause she is our only child perhaps we have become paranoid in some regards about this. But...within the last year I have a demise in myself and in my personality. I no longer feel happy. I am so unhappy. I don't know how to be happy. We have taken a break & will start new school year again in February, but the thought of working myself to death doing lessons plans and school planning is not something I want to do. I have given so much of myself into this child and I feel like it has been a waste of time. If I have to be honest, somedays I don't even know if I like my own DD. I feel dead to her somedays too. As a result I feel miserable, my walk with the Lord is awful right now, I get grumpy, angry, say things a good mother would never say. I am a useless wife. Right now I am in a very selfish place. I just don't know how to pick myself up and try and be happy or serve my family - I honestly just don't want to anymore. I don't have people in my life that can encourage me or show me how to be a good mother. It is not in my natural instincts to be one. I was never around a good Christian family to see how one is supposed to look. How do I become happy? How does a good mother look like in how she lives her day? PLease can someone just detail to me what she does when she wakes up, what she is meant to do, how she treats her children, what things she does in the household, whether she has time for anything for herself.... Anything like that would be helpful and encouraging for me. I so desperately would love to have a Christian mentor in my life, but I don't have anyone here that can fill this role. So that is why I have bared my soul & come on here for help. Thanks for reading so far. Please don't judge me I am honestly just trying my best, but have run out of all energy and hope. xxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 (edited) :grouphug: Reading your post, I can tell you are so sad. I can't give you all the answers, but I will try to help. First I will pray for you. And I think you should pray for Godly women in your life and a church for your family. Every day I pray God makes me the mother He wants me to be. And I am a work in progress. :D Can you get involved in a homeschool group to meet some other families? Do you have a history of depression? I think you probably need to see your doctor and just get a good check-up. Are you eating healthy foods, getting enough sleep and just taking good care of you, in general? Now, about being a good mom...I'll tell you what a wise woman told me when my oldest was born. "Being a good mother comes from your heart." It's not something a book or a message board or anything really can tell you. I think being a good mother is loving your children with your whole heart and doing what you can to assure they grow up to be loving, kind, happy people. That's just one piece of the puzzle. It's a journey, and it's supposed to be fun and hard and wonderful. Most days I wonder what I have done all day. My house is mostly a mess, I yell too much, we go through the drive-thru too often, but my girls are happy (unless you count my hormonal preteen, lol). Lots of days I don't like my kids, lol, but I love them with all that I am. My baby just turned 6, so I will never have another 5 year old. That kinda makes me sad. I want to encourage you to relax and just enjoy her! I know you say she isn't obedient or honoring all the time. Well, that's because she is 5! She's just a little girl. Work with her every day and correct her with grace and love. Model the way you want her to act. Don't fret about school work. If she reads and writes well at 5, you are doing a wonderful job!! You will mess up. You will still be a good mother even when you mess up. Our children are never a waste of time. They are worth everything we put into them. There is no magic happy pill, but I think you need to really think about your priorities, set realistic goals, have fun, and enjoy the ride!! Oh, and be on your knees in prayer every day for your relationship with God, your marriage, and your daughter. :grouphug::grouphug: Edited January 1, 2012 by Nakia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily_Grace Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 :grouphug: I could have nearly written your post, save for talking about an older child and slightly different issues. We took the past two weeks off of school and it gave me a little bit of time to work on seeing things differently. I made a resolution this year to be happy, even if that means fakin' it til I make it. More than that, it gave me a chance to look for tools for me. I want to live each day like it is my last. When I reflect back at night, do I want that to be how my children remember me? I want to be able to see the beauty and joy in the mundane. Instead of grumbling about how the area rug is always filthy I want to vacuum and ENJOY the task. I want to be calmer and more patient. I started reading an old favorite again, How To Talk So Kids Can Learn, and sat down with the serenity prayer. Accepting my kid for who he is is the first task. Seeing him with new eyes is the harder one. I know in my heart that every negative attribute has a positive one: stubborn (neg) is determined (pos), for example, but I am having a hard time with "lazy", "lack of ambition" and the like. The best piece of advice I ever learned was from the flight attendant: put on your oxygen mask before you help those around you. So this year, my goal is to become more honest with my own needs and meet them more. I have a toddler that sucks up most of my energy and a teen that takes whatever's left, and honestly, there's not much there to begin with. But I figure if I can learn to enjoy myself more, meet those needs and find peace, then I can spread that around. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 I meant to say this: I think one of the most important things you can do to bless your children is to keep your marriage healthy. Kids really notice what mom and dad are doing and how mom and dad are treating each other. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nd293 Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 Yours is a hard post to read, because I could have written it myself - putting in so much of myself, and not seeing what I wanted to see for my efforts, the resulting feelings of ambivalence towards dd and losing myself in the process. I know that I was a much nicer person before I had children, contrary to what people often say. I've been looking at old photos from when dd was really young for a project dd is working on, and I am physically shocked to see myself looking happy in most of them. I'm not a Christian, but I'm 6yrs on from where you are, and these are the things I can say about, and have learned on, the journey... You can't change personality - you'll probably never get the child you imagined. You can't change personality - you may never be the mother you want to be, but it's not as difficult with every child. My relationship with ds has been much easier. I'm not sure if it's a gender thing, or a second-child, older-Mom thing, but it has brought me some peave in my parenting journey. It's not all you - don't blame yourself. Your lessons will stick - people frequently comment to me on dd's kindness and politeness. Honestly, even though it's not fun I'd rather she is difficult with us and her brother, and good with everyone else, than the other way around. Strong-willed, independently-minded children are hard work. Strong-willed, independently-minded (pre)teens have the strength not to get led by the crowd. Strong-willed, independently-minded women are who we want to raise. Put yourself first. Really. This year I turned 40, and just couldn't bear my life any more. From when I turned 39 I set out to do stuff. Creating challenges for myself (the book-a-week-challenge from this board, woodworking, DIY stuff like laying floors that I never thought I could manage) reminded me of the person I used to be. I'm not sure if I'm happy, but I'm certainly closer than I was a year ago. I definitely feel stronger and more resilient than I did a year ago. I've had to carve out space for myself, and I'm not sure if that's good for marriage, but I do know that I'm a better person to be around than I was before, which has certainly made life more pleasant for everyone. I don't find it easy to talk about feelings, but I wish I found it in myself to talk to a professional (psychologist, parenting coach) about how hard things were for me when dd was younger. I feel like we have a lot of wasted years than can't be recaptured. If I did it over I'd try to be brave enough to try and find the right person to talk to. Maybe it's not too late, but I'm still not brave enough! This probably doesn't help much, relative to your actual questions, but do know that you're not alone, and that there are others of us who struggle. Be kind to yourself... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caribbean Queen Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 It must be miserable to homeschool a child that wont obey you. Don't resign yourself to putting up with it. Pay attention to the advice of people with well behaved children. This year you are going to figure out how to make her behavior improve. You’ll enjoy being around her so much more when she honors you. You are going to find fellowship. It may not be inside a church building. Maybe you’ll find a nice Christian woman to be your friend, and the two of you can have fellowship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 I want to first give you a virtual hug. I want you to know you were heard. I also want to tell you that it is *very* difficult, especially at times, to parent more challenging children. My ds had some special needs and was a bear to deal with especially when I wasn't doing well myself, was unsure how to guide him, gave into fear, etc. I do agree you may need professional help as well as other things like personal time, time to focus on your marriage, etc. I like how the person put it above from the flight attendant. Seriously, you are a VERY important part of this equation. Then....can you look at your daughter's behaviors and traits and see them in adults? Is she determined, hard working, attending to detail, persistent, etc? A LOT of the time, the most challenging things we see in young children are the most desired traits in adults. The thing we parents have to do is to help them <insert silly voice> use their powers for good, not evil. :) Anyway, but I think to get to the point you can work on parenting, discipline, etc, you're going to have to deal with your own needs. We can try to give you specific parenting help, but you'll find it much easier to implement if you are not so unhappy yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Faithr Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 I am sorry you are so down in the dumps over this. I think the problem is you put everything on being perfect and your child being perfect. Only God is that! Only if you put your faith in God and not things of this world, can you have peace of mind. So somehow you have to switch your expectations to those that are more realistic. Your child is just a child. She is a unique soul given into your care by God. She is fallen, she can't help it! Like you, she makes lots of mistakes. She is an entirely different person from you. On top of that she is immature and unformed. Don't think of her as an extensive of yourself, she is not. That's the reality your heart needs to learn. I think the problem is you are too intense about her every failing and so that makes everything seem larger than it really is. You need to step back and get some perspective. So the first thing you have to do is get closer to your child. Do this by relaxing, not by letting her get away with obnoxious behavior, but by letting her be herself. She was not put on earth to make you feel better. She was put on earth for you to love and care for. So take your own ego out of the equation. Get rid of that disappointment. That's about you and it is not about serving others in a godly way. So, I'd advise looking at baby pictures of her, so you remember the joy you had when you brought her home. I would try to think of one or two things that you enjoy doing together. I would have an official snuggle time, even if you don't feel like snuggling, if she is open to it, make the effort. When you feel like being angry at her or are thinking negative thoughts about her, hug her instead. You have probably gotten into bad habits of relating and speaking to her; bad habits of thinking about her negatively. You need to shed that destructive kind of thinking. In a way I feel blessed that all my children were LD. I'll tell you why! None of them was reading and writing at age 5, so when they finally got to the point where they could, I felt the full worth of that development. It brought such pure joy into my heart when my 9 yo who had been struggling for YEARS to learn to read, finally got it! O happy day! I notice in your post you kind of dismissively say, she does read and write well. That's huge from my perspective! So what I'm trying to say is appreciate what she has. One thing that helps me when I am feeling negative about somebody is I sit down and I make an actual written out list of all the wonderful things about that person. Often it takes me a really long time to get started! I am so locked into my negativity but once I get over that, I wind up making a really long list that I keep adding to over a couple of days (every time I think of new thing). You sound lonely too. Life just isn't going well right now. Can you make some effort to get yourself out? Even if you can't find the perfect church to join (and I think you might have issues with perfectionism - the killer of all joy!) find one that will do for now! Then participate in something that helps others. Maybe it can be something your daughter can participate in with you. Try to read uplifting books, humor, inspirational stories, etc. I find reading that sort of thing really lifts my mood. Also, maybe watch funny shows, just to get yourself laughing. Once you are laughing, the dark clouds lift and you can relax and view things in a brighter way. Laughter really is good medicine. So is walking. Can you take a walk every day, either without or with your dd? Put up a sign somewhere to remind yourself that you need an attitude adjustment, like NO BROODING ALLOWED! I read in a book once on depression that said, we don't even realize we have these negative thoughts playing like a tape (or cd!) in our heads. Once we realize we are thinking like that, we should imagine taking out that tape (or cd - this book came out before cds were popular!) and putting in a new positive thought cd! That's another thing, play music that makes you happy! That can really lift your mood, too. I love Irish/Celtic dance music and bluegrass! But whatever it is that energizes you, play it! Anyway, you are in my prayers. I am sure you will feel better about yourself, your family and your life very soon. This too shall pass! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Faithr Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 Okay, I just reread what I wrote and I hope it doesn't sound too harsh! I didn't mean it that way. I do make assumptions and so I could have gotten everything wrong! But I went through something like this with my oldest dd, who is very strong willed (she is now 21 and still strong-willed and we still clash! But she is also a lovely, hard-working, Christian young lady who I am so very proud of!). I remember one time just being overcome with anger and dislike after she'd done some millionth thing that peeved me off and I was trying to come up with a suitable punishment. My dh joked, Well, nothing else has worked, I think she deserves the death penalty! Which made me laugh and realize how overwrought I had gotten over typical naughty behavior! The problem was ME taking everything personally instead of having a little loving distance. It helps me a lot to see myself as a model of behavior as opposed to an enforcer of behavior. I find that having a close loving bond, along with constant but patient, gentle, firm reminders and admonishments, along with focusing on MY OWN habits and attitudes, makes for better behaved children. When I focused on punishment and was always thinking about what was wrong about THEM, instead of what was wrong about ME, then I got angry and felt powerless and that made me really get the blues big time. As for practical help, I really like these folks' approach: http://www.biblicalparenting.org/ It is Christian but it does not focus on punishment but rather developing a sense of Christian honor in a family. I like their gentle, godly, loving, practical approach. Maybe you could get help from them professionally to get you out of the rut you're in. I think they do consultations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 You have received such wonderful advice from some very wise women. As a mom who has several grown children, I need to add that we do not CHOOSE who we get. When we open ourselves up to motherhood, we take who God sends....not little mini-mes. I do believe the verse of scripture which says to "Train a child in the way HE should go and when he is older he will not depart from it,"in the amplified states according to his own particular bent.....means we need to guide our kids into being who God meant for them to be...not who we want them to be. Scripture also says not to drive a child to wrath...iow, it frustrates a child to be punished for who they are inherently created to be. My oldest could be described very much like your dd. I always told her I loved her steadfastness, and her stubbornness, and her willingness to fight for what she thought was right....BUT, she wasn't allowed to point it at me. I tried to nurture that spirit, without breaking it...or jumping off the roof! These type A kids are hard to raise. I have another one now....:tongue_smilie: My oldest son was quite the opposite....a yes man....a path of least resistance guy. He drove us nuts with his ability to sit and stare at his foot for hours....or take a nap in the middle of chore time....seriously. Now, he works with kids...both main stream and special needs....teaching them to swim...what we deemed "lazy and slow," the parents of these children and his bosses look at as " patient and gentle". He found a niche that embraces his personality...and he is heading in a direction to have a happy and fulfilling life. Dd 1... Miss focused and stubborn is in advertising...as a graphic designer....and her steadfastness and even her mean streak work for her. We still butt heads occasionally, because that is her nature....but, We can now laugh about her journey to adulthood. Your dd is only 5, if she can read and write....you are ahead of the game. Find something she likes to do....and do it. Maybe she would like a sport or a dance class...that is a good way to meet other moms...and form friendships with like-minded people. Join a pool club for the summer and sit at the baby pool for a while...you will meet lots of other moms. It sounds like you may be clinically depressed...or maybe you just need to get up and out everyday for a walk while dd scooters or rides her bike....or runs ahead a little. Get a check up...make a list of fun things to do...and the do them. Prayers for you and your little one, Faithe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 From your descriptions of your dd, I have to wonder if something more is going on. My oldest was much like you are describing and he has Asperger's. We didn't know it at the time. He was defiant, didn't read until age 8 or 9, argued, didn't obey, and the list goes on and on. I really encourage you to get her an evaluation to see if maybe there isn't something of a diagnosis for her. Somedays I don't much care for my oldest. He just isn't loving and sweet like my other two can be. He is aloof many times, belligerent, and I worry he may not do well later in life. But, it isn't his fault. Dawn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 (edited) I have been struggling this year (2011) - still 30 minutes to go...with homeschooling and being with DD 5 at home. Life at the moment is difficult, we live geographically isolated...we have not been able to find a church that we fit in and I have barely any like minded friends. What is wrong with having friends who are not like minded. I think it would force one to grow instead of having one's thought constantly validated. Find people you like. Not necessarily people who will agree with you. Expand your horizons. DD5 is very strong willed and argues with me. I could say the sky is blue and she will argue it is black. For the first couple of year after she was born I put 100% of everything of me into her. I spent all my energy on her, all my time on her. I had dreams of how I wanted her to be and become. She isn't really honouring to us or obedient, at least not all the time, or only if it is when she is wanting to. This is not her fault. She is who she is and she needs you to love her unconditionally. Your little girl is 5. Let her be 5. You are to guide her and love her and help her grow into a good person. Not make her into what you perceive a perfect child should be. It is time for you to reevaluate what you want out of motherhood. Things have turned out differently. She is difficult to manage and sometimes I wonder whether anything I teach her is really learned by her. She does read and write well. BUT she doesn't really receive my teaching. She probably picks up more than you realize. Be sure to let her explore a bit of her world. Guide her, don't hammer at her. You catch more bees with honey than vinegar. I feel so sad that my dream of having a beautifully obedient, quiet honouring child isn't happening. We have tried to shield her from any negative influences & becuause she is our only child perhaps we have become paranoid in some regards about this. This is two different things. The only obedient honoring child on this earth was born a little over 2000 years ago. There won't be another. Stop setting yourself and your child up to impossible goals. Negative influences are not good for anyone. There is no need to expose a young child to bad friends, bad media or the ugly side of our world. But...within the last year I have a demise in myself and in my personality. I no longer feel happy. I am so unhappy. I don't know how to be happy. We have taken a break & will start new school year again in February, but the thought of working myself to death doing lessons plans and school planning is not something I want to do. I have given so much of myself into this child and I feel like it has been a waste of time. Your time given to your child is never wasted. But you can never give all of yourself to another human being and expect to come out whole in the end. A good mom makes time for herself. A good mom visits with her friends. A good wife and mom grows and learns and has quiet time and date night and a stash of chocolate somewhere in the house. Your kiddo is 5. Lesson plans should not take forever. School should not take forever. Two hour a day, tops for K'er. The rest of the time should be spent pursuing interests. You have interests. Your dd has interests. Maybe possibly they intersect. Maybe not The idea is to find balance so you both grow into the people you were meant to be. If I have to be honest, somedays I don't even know if I like my own DD. Sure you do. I feel dead to her somedays too. This isn't surprising seeing how you've not taken much time for yourself over the last 5 years. As a result I feel miserable, my walk with the Lord is awful right now, I get grumpy, angry, say things a good mother would never say. I am a useless wife. Right now I am in a very selfish place. I just don't know how to pick myself up and try and be happy or serve my family - I honestly just don't want to anymore. You can't serve others until you serve yourself. That isn't selfish. Even Jesus had times he was grumpy and angry. Times He wanted a bit of time to Himself. You can't expect more from yourself than what he expected from Himself. I don't have people in my life that can encourage me or show me how to be a good mother. It is not in my natural instincts to be one. I was never around a good Christian family to see how one is supposed to look. Lots of families are not "good Christian families" and work out just fine. Work on being a good family. The Christian part will follow naturally. Don't force it. How do I become happy? Get a life. I know that sounds harsh, but truly you have to find yourself. You can do this while being a wife and mother. It will take a bit of effort on your part, support from your dh and understanding from your dd. Join a book club. Join an ecumenical prayer group or Bible study. Hang out on the boards. Go to an exercise class. Get out of the house and do something. But don't limit yourself to just certain people. Broaden and expand yourself. How does a good mother look like in how she lives her day? PLease can someone just detail to me what she does when she wakes up, what she is meant to do, how she treats her children, what things she does in the household, whether she has time for anything for herself.... This is different for everyone. There is no set way a "good mother" gets up. Personally I'm not a morning person. I don't speak to anyone for the first 30 minutes. This is different from my friend who is up a 5a and ready to teach her children when they come down at 7a. You have to find your own way. It may be that you and dd stay in pajamas all day on Tuesdays. It may be quiet time every day at noon-thirty for 2 hours every day. It really is up to you. You are the adult - take the lead. Anything like that would be helpful and encouraging for me. I so desperately would love to have a Christian mentor in my life, but I don't have anyone here that can fill this role. So that is why I have bared my soul & come on here for help. Does your mentor really have to be Christian? You've shut out 1/5-ish of the population of the earth. How about just a good person who has been there and done that? Don't limit yourself in such ways. Thanks for reading so far. Please don't judge me I am honestly just trying my best, but have run out of all energy and hope. xxx :grouphug: Edited January 1, 2012 by Parrothead Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.... Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 Hi, CookIslandsMommy, Is there no way you could throw the lesson planning to the wind and unschool for a while? :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Embassy Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 :grouphug: I agree with many of the posters here. I would get a check-up because it sounds like you are depressed. I would try to reach out to find a church home or a group of homeschool moms. There have been times where we travelled an hour to find a good church. Accept your child for who she is. God made her strong-willed for a reason. Our society looks down on children who are strong-willed. Those children can be teens who will not succumb to peer pressure. They can be determined and driven adults who meet their goals. Take a step back and focus on your child's uniqueness. It might be best to strengthen the bond and appreciate your child for who she is before you tackle undesirable behaviors. I have three children. Sometimes the bond and appreciation of the child's uniqueness comes easily. But it isn't a given. Sometimes we are blessed with a child that is so different from what we expect. Sometimes personalities may clash. It took effort for me to appreciate one of my children. I do now. Once I came to understand that child's uniqueness and strengths, my bond grew and I looked at that child in a new light. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OLG Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 CookIslandMommy - thank you for this post! So much wisdom has been imparted from the excellent posts. I suspect we 'all'feel some of what you feel and expressed at some part of our lives. I know I do. The 'take aways' here are to make time for YOU. Get some exercise like daily walking. Maybe find some daily reading that is inspirational for you. (I read 'Divine Intimacy' daily and while it was written for religious orders offers much opportunity for reflection.) Don't fret the academics for a child in K or even first grade. She sounds like a smart girl already! Get some space. Yep, too much time together is hazardous to your health. I learned that the hard way and still need reminders. Moms have a natural tendency to want to be everything to all people, I think. As PPs said, you just cannot do that w/o losing yourself. You are a great mom with a bright child who has to now start this new year by focusing more on making yourself whole again. Kinda like that period after giving birth when you are wiped out ...lean on others for a little while! Give them a chance to help. It is a gift. Really. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jhschool Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 Hi I am so sorry you are going through this. I think it's good that your daughter is strong-willed. She will hold firm when bad people try to influence her. I think it's amazing that she can read and write. You are off the hook as far as school goes for at least a year! Do something for yourself! REad books YOU like, sew projects that make YOU happy. And do some "benign neglect." Ignore her for a bit. (In a good way.) I'll post more later... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 You've gotten some good ideas, but it is hard to know what will help from a few words sent as a "message in a bottle". So, these are my humble thoughts, and I encourage you to apply what of them you think might work. (Are you in the South Pacific? (Cook Islands?) -- I just had to ask.) With a child so young not taking to being taught, I'd teach my example. I would use correct grammar and TALK about the world. Not argue. Chit-chat. I'd ooze with excitement over connections. Serving up pickles? Mention the idiom "in a pickle" and laugh over how silly it sounds to be in a pickle, and why someone might say it. Part of the joy of hs, for me, is re-learning my world ... actually THINKING about just about everything I'm doing. The world is so amazingly complex, and so much I took "for granted" because I'd learned it as a child. Now I think of the "whys" of things, and the world is so much more exciting. I'm betting this is an energetic child. I would go on adventures: hikes, tree climbing, etc. I'd give her plenty of exercise and relate to the JOY she has in life. Burn off some of the feistiness. Then, if you mention the sky is blue, and she says black, laugh a tiny tinkly laugh and MOVE ON to the next topic. Don't argue. If she refuses to eat at a given time, pick up the food without a fuss and move on with your day. She will be hungrier at the next meal. Etc. Play Go Fish. You can then turn Go Fish into easy math facts Go Fish. Etc. If you are running out of ideas on what to do that might put "a spoonful of sugar" in the medicine (school), come back and ask for specific hints. When I was 5, we weren't even learning our letters. I think tying our shoes was the toughest task. The rest was singing and marching, and being read to. The world has sped up since 1963, but the minds of many, many children are not ready for a complex curriculum at that age. So, start a hands on experiment on how long an ice cube lasts in a hot fry pan vs. in a syrofoam cup even if she isn't the least bit interested. Be genuinely curious yourself. It is infectious. Make the point of your focus not HER or YOU, but the world and all the amazing things in it. HTH. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acurtis75 Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 I am going to admit to not reading the other responses because I'm short on time. I wanted to respond because I've felt the way you feel about being at home. I may be repeating advice already given but here goes... First, your walk with the Lord and marriage need to be the first priority. IMHO it takes a lot of work to counteract the negative cultural impact on our thinking about marriage and staying home. I struggled at first because I didn't have any friends who decided to take the path I did. They are working moms who are just in a whole different world with a different set of challenges. I found the best thing for me was to saturate my mind with reading from authors and listening to podcasts, etc from people who value the role of a mother. Nancy Leigh Demoss is one example that comes to mind. Also, The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace has been turned in to a devotional. I found it helpful. http://www.christianbook.com/excellent-based-the-wife-martha-peace/karen-eiler/9781885904867/pd/04867X Next, at five with a child who is already ahead in academics should take a backseat to getting the behavior under control. It is impossible to teach a child who won't obey you and I heard a wise person once say if you can't get it under control now add ten years and what is your life going to look like. In other words if your five year old doesn't respect you, how is your fifteen year old going to treat you? Because you mentioned God I will recommend some great resources that helped us with setting up a structured approach to discipline in our home. Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp and The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo. All of the books by these authors are great but those are the best starting place IMHO. Hopefully this post is coherent because I'm typing while having a conversation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trilliums Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 Hi, CookIslandsMommy, Is there no way you could throw the lesson planning to the wind and unschool for a while? :grouphug: :iagree: My kids turned out so very different from how I expected! Even though my kids were co-operative when it came to household chores or everyday life, when it came to school work they were like brick walls. My oldest child in particular loved to learn but did not want to be taught anything. Sooo frustrating until I accepted him for who he is. We unschooled for later elementary years and in Jr. High he chose to go to a more traditional schooling experience. He is incredibly self motivated now. Also, he feels as though DH and I understand and accept his strengths and weaknesses. He seeks advice from us and considers our opinions carefully. When he was younger, I had a hard time imagining our relationship ever becoming so strong and positive. I had to let go of the ideal of how I thought a child should be and embrace and love him the way he is. He is now a very co-operative and helpful 15 year old, growing into a young man. I am very proud of his independence and ability to think for himself. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smilesonly Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: ya know what? you've just done the first thing to get things moving in the right direction-you've reached out in a most authentic way(even tho this is cyberspace;)) that is hard for many to do-myself included. great advice-and i'm sure you can see you're not alone!!:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 This thread had been a breath of fresh air for me. I could have written the OP only it comes at the end of the oldest being 13, and 3 of the 4 being this way, and me pouring every ounce of me into them only to be slapped in the face (sometimes literally) by terrible behaviour and anger from all sides, etc. The pp are right that you need to put some focus on YOU. I have posted on this forum that 2012 is the year of ME. I have to remember who I was, I have to get the person back and put some time and love and energy into me before I am lost for good. I have spent the last while trying to determine if homeschooling is still best for us. The problem lies with the fact that all of DS13s Dr's/therapists etc have said that if I put him in public school his academics will suffer BUT he and I may have a chance to regain the loving relationship we once had. In my particular province you can not do much of anything without a high school diploma. Even if you have some college under your belt you can not get into other post secondary programs, work at McD's or a multitude of other places without a high school diploma. It is a backwards way of thinking but it is what it is. I worry that if I put him in the ps he will never achieve that and therefore be a failure his whole life, living in my basement making me miserable forever. OR I can sacrifice a little more and keep homeschooling him and have him ready to join the workforce with a trade and a diploma at 18 in which case he will be just fine on his own. But the way we are headed that will result in a very damaged relationship. It is not nice things to be considering when you are already burnt out BUT want nothing more than the very best for your kids. It's even tougher when the school is a tiny one in a village, class size of 9-12, no fine arts, no sports, no extracurrics and no support for special needs kids. If I send him it is to save our relationship and my mental health by having a break from each other everyday, not because the school will do him any good. Like you have have not had good examples of a "good" mother. My mom and sister both believed that a good mother is the one that focuses on her career since the kids grow up so fast and therefore you need your career after them and do not want to be entry level at 40. So they believed in daycare and preschool and public school as young as possible with very little time spent with the kids. They were mostly happy around their kids but that is because they never spent more than 1.5 hours with them each day. I can be very happy with my kids if I only spent 1.5 hours with them daily, there would be no time for the nonsense to wear me down. I do not believe the same as them which made me striking out to figure it out on my own and forgetting some balance. I swung too much into trying to be perfect and do it all right, while still maintaining my mother's expectations of perfect children AND forgetting that my kids were not me and therefore would not behave as I did as a kid. I still struggle with it. I was a very good, very responsible child. I had a steady volunteer position everyday afterschool at age 11 (which switched to paid work at 15), I babysat almost every weekend including over nights at age 11, I was tending the house, cook dinner and caring for my younger siblings at age 9. And then I look at my son and realize the kid can not be trusted to cook an egg without me right there at age 13 and it frustrates me. Add in the fighting and attitudes and destructive behaviours, while going on 13 years of sleep deprivation, and self sacrifice without ever pouring anything back into myself and 10 years of that being a single parent. It is a recipe for resentment and hate, followed by guilt, and sadness. 2012 is the year of Me because I know if I don't do something drastic to grab hold of me and love me there will no longer be a me. I also made some changes at home when it comes to school work and my ds13. He was the one that fought me the most and I had enough. I told him he is 13 now time to take charge of his future, sink or swim time. I generally teach him and my dd12 together. When ever he wanted to fight I sent him on his way and refused to engage and just kept teaching dd. In the past I would stop the lesson until he calmed back down and then continue. It made for long school days and dd was being held back because of him and it was making issues for her. I told him I didn't care if he did the lesson or not, but he would not ruin it for her. If he wanted to be a bum on the street that was his choice but I would not fight to teach someone who didn't want to learn. I kept on teaching dd and he would drift back to the table and keep working, then he would get mad and take off again and back and forth it went BUT I never fought with him. dd finished her school work in a reasonable time and he eventually finished everything in his own time, but I went about the rest of my plans for the evening. He kept on working. He worked until 2 am one night because he was determined to prove to me he could do it. We start back tomorrow for term 2 and I intend to do the same thing. It is like the saying "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink" I will continue to read aloud and teach the others, keep the home rich with educational materials etc but I will no longer try and force him to learn. Time for him to rise to the challenge and choose to learn. Now of course at 5 yrs old that is not a path I would take BUT I wish I had done a variation of it right from the start. Being strong willed he wanted control of his life, every aspect of it, and schooling wasn't an area I was open to him having much control. School itself was not optional, but I could have given more options of what to work on first, materials used etc. If I had asked "Do you want to practice reading first, or math first?" and let him choose what to do than he may have felt he had more control over what was happening and not have been so resistant to me teaching him. At the same time I was too flexible in school hours without meaning to. BEcause we worked around his outbursts etc he learned that he could control the whole course of the school day. I should have maintained that school was from X time until Y time period. There could be choices of what order to study things in that time but the time is the time. I chose the wrong battle and fought it hard for 6 years. Guess what I lost it and my mind at the same time I hear you about the likeminded friends, no church etc. For me it is not even about whether or not the friends are like minded or not, other than online I have no friends. Between no friends, no church, no husband, unhealthy extended family relationships and tiny unwelcoming town I am very isolated. So take being very isolated and add in giving every peice of myself to my kids and well you get the picture. I was holding my own until we were investigated by CPS. They made my life h*ll for a year, lots of threats to remove my kids (they were involved for the year because I homeschooled, breast fed a toddler and co-slept). They told me at every chance they had that a "good mother" puts her kids in school, a "good mother" does not bed share, accused me of sexual abuse for breastfeeding, called me a bad mother repeatedly, one said outright that even though I was not commiting actual abuse or neglect and that the kids were well cared for I was a bad mother making bad choices and she felt she had to stay involved until I put them in school where normal mothers put their kids, that my kids were normal children with no disabilities that I was making it up, another claimed I was the CAUSE of their disabilities and if they were not with me so much they would be cured etc. I won my battle obviously but it drained me of the remaining vestiges of hope. Any happiness I had been clinging to was gone. For a long time I blamed my oldest son. If he had not been setting fires they would have never been called in and I would not have been put through that h*ll. It has taken a lot of effort to tell myself everyday that it is not his fault, that he is a kid with issues etc. I love my kids with every ounce of my being, I would do anything for them, I would drag myself on my belly over broken glass to protect them, but I do not like them very much, particularily my oldest. I don't think that makes me a bad mother, I think it makes me a tired, drained, burnt out mother that has given so much to them I was no longer a whole person. I think what makes me a good mother despite my flaws and my daily mistakes is that I do keep trying no matter what to do what is best for them. That I do love them so much that I keep on pushing through all the carp to try and bring out the best in them. What will make me a better mother is focusing on myself. I always thought it was selfish to put any time/energy into myself. I called mothers who went out without their kids, and spent money on themselves, and "neglected" their children to pursue hobbies etc rather than devoted 24/7 to their children and homes selfish. I was wrong. I raised selfish entitled kids through those actions. I neglected myself and got a negative result. Instead of my kids seeing a selfless, sacrificing mom, they learned that they should be catered to, and that I was not a worthy person of anything. By putting myself last to focus on them, I taught them inadvertently that I was not worthy of respect, that I was not worthy of obedience, that I was not worthy of time to attend to anything but them and their wishes, that I was not worthy of a new pair of underpants without holes because they wanted something new etc. (con't below) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dragons in the flower bed Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 I wish I could give you a hug! That must have been hard to decide to post. I'm glad you reached out, though. Mothering doesn't always comes naturally, doesn't always already exist in some pocket of our heart we just haven't found. Sometimes you have to create it out of whole cloth. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. My advice is to grieve, let yourself grieve your dream. Go ahead and accept that there will be a period of sadness about not having what you imagined you would have. Once you have accepted that, you can start to see what you have and live in to that. Finding role models is a good thing. Look in books and movies or just daydream up a perfect mom and wife. HOWEVER -- and this is a big but -- make sure you are looking at only things about the mom/wife, not things about her family. Imagine those role models with your own child, and choose one whose reaction to your child makes you laugh or otherwise feel good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 (con't from above) How can I expect them to listen to me, and obey, and honor, etc if I have taught them I am not a worthy person? How can I expect them to treat each other with respect and dignity if I have never modeled it first? The kicker is I THOUGHT I was teaching them the right things, and that they were just bad kids who refused to follow my lead. I THOUGHT that by giving my all to them they would see that sacrifice and giving and learn to be giving as well, nope they learned to be entitled and spoiled. I THOUGHT I was doing the right things by putting myself last and focusing on the kids, the home, all the other outside commitments and never on myself. I was wrong. This is the year I reclaim my self, this is the year I pour some of that love and sacrifice into myself, this is the year I declare myself WORTHY and show my kids that it is not all about THEM that I am a person too, that I am WORTHY of the same respect, and obedience they give others. All of that to say reclaim yourself, a Good Mother acknowledges her shortcomings, and works to fix them. A Good Mother gives herself what she needs in order to have something to give to others. You can't give to your child or husband what you do not have to give. If you want to give more grace and patience to your child, you need to build up your own stores of that, by loving yourself, and giving yourself grace and patience (rather than expecting perfection). Give her more options in her day within set guidelines. Book a date night with your husband. Take long soaks in the tub, pick up an old hobby or learn a new one, find ways to make new friends you don't need lots but 1-2 people you can talk to helps a ton, and the most important thing I didn't mention but was the main thing that vanished before I burnt out was bring back the fun. We used to play and be silly and bake, and hang out and have tickle wars and picnics etc. Those things were the first things to vanish as I was losing myself. Bring back the fun. Give up on school right now and bring back the fun. Play with your daughter. Build a bed sheet fort. Have a tea party. Play hide and seek. Bake together. Sing together. Read together. and then part ways, both happy with the fun you had and focus on your own interests. Do not give 24/7 to her, but try to keep the time you are directly with her having fun for now instead of the usual power struggle it is. :grouphug: Hang in there OP you will make it through and find a better way to make the dynamics in your family work. You will find yourself again and regain the like of your child. By searching for that NOW you are saving yourself YEARS of heartache. I wish I had seen the light when my oldest was 5 instead of now that he is 13. (and that I think makes for my very longest post ever that I had to spread it over two posts) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 Do you have a history of depression? I think you probably need to see your doctor and just get a good check-up. Are you eating healthy foods, getting enough sleep and just taking good care of you, in general? Now, about being a good mom...I'll tell you what a wise woman told me when my oldest was born. "Being a good mother comes from your heart." It's not something a book or a message board or anything really can tell you. I think being a good mother is loving your children with your whole heart and doing what you can to assure they grow up to be loving, kind, happy people. That's just one piece of the puzzle. It's a journey, and it's supposed to be fun and hard and wonderful. Most days I wonder what I have done all day. My house is mostly a mess, I yell too much, we go through the drive-thru too often, but my girls are happy (unless you count my hormonal preteen, lol). Lots of days I don't like my kids, lol, but I love them with all that I am. I made a resolution this year to be happy, even if that means fakin' it til I make it. More than that, it gave me a chance to look for tools for me. I want to live each day like it is my last. When I reflect back at night, do I want that to be how my children remember me? I want to be able to see the beauty and joy in the mundane. Instead of grumbling about how the area rug is always filthy I want to vacuum and ENJOY the task. The best piece of advice I ever learned was from the flight attendant: put on your oxygen mask before you help those around you. So this year, my goal is to become more honest with my own needs and meet them more. . . . But I figure if I can learn to enjoy myself more, meet those needs and find peace, then I can spread that around. [quote name=nd293;3459899 I'm not a Christian' date=' but I'm 6yrs on from where you are, and these are the things I can say about, and have learned on, the journey... [*]You can't change personality - you'll probably never get the child you imagined. [*]You can't change personality - you may never be the mother you want to be, but it's not as difficult with every child. My relationship with ds has been much easier. I'm not sure if it's a gender thing, or a second-child, older-Mom thing, but it has brought me some peave in my parenting journey. It's not all you - don't blame yourself. [*]Your lessons will stick - people frequently comment to me on dd's kindness and politeness. Honestly, even though it's not fun I'd rather she is difficult with us and her brother, and good with everyone else, than the other way around. [*]Strong-willed, independently-minded children are hard work. Strong-willed, independently-minded (pre)teens have the strength not to get led by the crowd. Strong-willed, independently-minded women are who we want to raise. [*]Put yourself first. Really. This year I turned 40, and just couldn't bear my life any more. From when I turned 39 I set out to do stuff. Creating challenges for myself (the book-a-week-challenge from this board, woodworking, DIY stuff like laying floors that I never thought I could manage) reminded me of the person I used to be. I'm not sure if I'm happy, but I'm certainly closer than I was a year ago. I definitely feel stronger and more resilient than I did a year ago. I've had to carve out space for myself, and I'm not sure if that's good for marriage, but I do know that I'm a better person to be around than I was before, which has certainly made life more pleasant for everyone. I am sorry you are so down in the dumps over this. I think the problem is you put everything on being perfect and your child being perfect. Only God is that! Only if you put your faith in God and not things of this world, can you have peace of mind. So somehow you have to switch your expectations to those that are more realistic. Your child is just a child. She is a unique soul given into your care by God. She is fallen, she can't help it! Like you, she makes lots of mistakes. She is an entirely different person from you. On top of that she is immature and unformed. Don't think of her as an extensive of yourself, she is not. That's the reality your heart needs to learn. I think the problem is you are too intense about her every failing and so that makes everything seem larger than it really is. You need to step back and get some perspective. You have received such wonderful advice from some very wise women. As a mom who has several grown children, I need to add that we do not CHOOSE who we get. When we open ourselves up to motherhood, we take who God sends....not little mini-mes. I do believe the verse of scripture which says to "Train a child in the way HE should go and when he is older he will not depart from it,"in the amplified states according to his own particular bent.....means we need to guide our kids into being who God meant for them to be...not who we want them to be. Moms have a natural tendency to want to be everything to all people, I think. As PPs said, you just cannot do that w/o losing yourself. You are a great mom with a bright child who has to now start this new year by focusing more on making yourself whole again. Kinda like that period after giving birth when you are wiped out ...lean on others for a little while! Give them a chance to help. It is a gift. Really. :grouphug: So, start a hands on experiment on how long an ice cube lasts in a hot fry pan vs. in a syrofoam cup even if she isn't the least bit interested. Be genuinely curious yourself. It is infectious. Make the point of your focus not HER or YOU, but the world and all the amazing things in it. HTH. :grouphug: :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: ya know what? you've just done the first thing to get things moving in the right direction-you've reached out in a most authentic way(even tho this is cyberspace;)) that is hard for many to do-myself included. great advice-and i'm sure you can see you're not alone!!:grouphug: :iagree: with all of the above. I could have quoted everyone who has responded- everyone has given you great advice. Much of this is not about your daughter. Some of it is, because there is definitely a difference in strong willed children. However, most of it seems to be about your expectations of what motherhood would be. And what homeschooling would be. We are all human and fallible. There is no set prescription for being a good mother. To me, a good mother puts the needs of her kids first, but she can only do that if she's taking care of herself. A good mother strives to give her kids the tools they'll need to take care of themselves and possibly a family of their own someday. A good wife communicates her needs and desires to her husband. It's not a universal pattern of behaviors, it is simply the best interpretation of those things that each of us can muster. There is only one person you can control in this world and that is yourself. Your daughter is her own person. You can teach her the things you'd like her to learn, but she's still going to turn out to be the person she is meant to be. She is an individual, not a product of you and your husband. That's a very hard lesson for us parents to learn. Especially when those cute, innocent little baby faces stare up at you in unconditional love. For the sake of my own sanity, I was forced to understand these things a little in order to deal with my Asperger's son. Believe me, this is certainly not how I imagined the parenting journey. Truth be told, though, once I stopped trying to get him to behave a certain way, I started enjoying the person he is and have learned to live with the quirks and obsessions, and have started to appreciate him for who he is, AND realizing that it is OKAY! He doesn't have to be this son that I imagined having. It's turning out to be a very different, but very interesting parenting journey. Let go of the imagined mother/daughter scenario and enjoy the one you have. It can be "perfect for you" without being "perfect". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathmom Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 Here are my thoughts: :grouphug: You need to stop being so isolated. It's not good for either you or your dd. Do whatever it takes to become less isolated! Move if possible! Perfection will not be possible. Let go of that. You will not be perfect; your dd will not be perfect. Let go of the dream child you thought about and embrace the real child in front of you. I'd like some examples of the disobedient behavior. With the amount of perfectionism in your initial post, I lean towards it being normal childhood behavior and not a problem to be "gotten under control." But I could be wrong. Your dd is way ahead with schoolwork. Relax about homeschooling. Again, I'd like some examples of how she's resistant to your teaching. What are you trying to do with her? How are you trying to do it? And another :grouphug: for good measure! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 Here are my thoughts: :grouphug: You need to stop being so isolated. It's not good for either you or your dd. Do whatever it takes to become less isolated! Move if possible! Perfection will not be possible. Let go of that. You will not be perfect; your dd will not be perfect. Let go of the dream child you thought about and embrace the real child in front of you. I'd like some examples of the disobedient behavior. With the amount of perfectionism in your initial post, I lean towards it being normal childhood behavior and not a problem to be "gotten under control." But I could be wrong. Your dd is way ahead with schoolwork. Relax about homeschooling. Again, I'd like some examples of how she's resistant to your teaching. What are you trying to do with her? How are you trying to do it? And another :grouphug: for good measure! These are good questions. I'm glad you're here, CookIslandMommy. I hope you'll soon be feeling less alone. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leeannpal Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 I wish I could give you a hug! That must have been hard to decide to post. I'm glad you reached out, though. Mothering doesn't always comes naturally, doesn't always already exist in some pocket of our heart we just haven't found. Sometimes you have to create it out of whole cloth. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. My advice is to grieve, let yourself grieve your dream. Go ahead and accept that there will be a period of sadness about not having what you imagined you would have. Once you have accepted that, you can start to see what you have and live in to that. Finding role models is a good thing. Look in books and movies or just daydream up a perfect mom and wife. HOWEVER -- and this is a big but -- make sure you are looking at only things about the mom/wife, not things about her family. Imagine those role models with your own child, and choose one whose reaction to your child makes you laugh or otherwise feel good. Wonderful advice! To the Op-I know how you feel. My dd is 9, and she has ADHD. I knew early on that she was very different from many of the other children we were around. Yes, kids are active, but my daughter went way beyond that, She literally couldn't sit still at all. I, too, grieved the loss of the sweet, demure little girl I had assumed I would have because I was a compliant child and her father is very low key himself. I literally was at a loss as to what to do with her. After testing, visits with a psychologist, and medication, she is much more controllable now. She even says that she can control her body and emotions better. We have grown close over the last few years. I remember the lonliness too. More than once I lost friend because my daughter was so hard to handle. People are people and often don't want to deal with the difficulties of others. Please reach out to those who accept you and your daughter. I wish I had done more of that in her early years. I would have your daughter tested if you believe that she is unreachable. It may be that she has a disorder that does make it virtually impossible to parent in a "normal" way. Blessing for you and your family in the new year! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jhschool Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 Hi again I just want to say something very important: It is NORMAL for a 5 year old to be disobedient! You are just different personalities. Give small consequences for obvious bad behavior but don't stress if she doesn't listen about school. Take her to the library, set her loose. Tell her you are changing your schooling method and that you will let her pick her own books and so on. Take her to the park, set her loose. It sounds like she needs more physical exercise. Read "The High Needs Child" by Dr. Sears. Don't fret too much! She is only 5. She will grow and mature and be better. Also, try Unschooling for a little bit. The first rule is, No TV and no videogames. Then, you "set out" books that you think are good, and they will probably get read. Take her to fun activities, have her listen to classical music. See if she wants to learn an instrument. Don't force it, but she might need an artistic outlet. See if she wants to paint. Above all, I don't see you doing anything wrong. 5 year olds are difficult. But they grow up so quickly! Take care of yourself and don't stress so much! It will be OK! Hugs and good feelings for you! Blessings and happiness this New Year! You are a good mother! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsJewelsRae Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 (edited) I would talk to your doctor about the possibility of depression or perhaps a medical issue that can cause depression (hypothyroid, etc). Try your very hardest to pray for your relationship with your dd, for your dd, for your marriage every day, read your bible daily. Make it a priority to find a church Family, Christians were meant to have fellowship. Push aside the curriculum for now and just focus on having fun and learning with your dd. Play games with her, lay in the grass and read fabulous books together, make neat crafts, go on field trips, go to the park, go out for hit chocolate dates. Join a homeschool group if you possibly can and make sure she has the opportunity to play with other kids, and you may make some friendships for yourself as well. Take a few days or a week and watch your dd closely, write down all the good qualities you see in her, or the nice things she does, sweet things she says- do not write a single negative, focus on the positive only- and compliment her on these things. If you gave been letting things slide in the discipline department, don't blame your dd for your inconsistencies. Parent with grace, forgive her, and forgive yourself for the mistakes you may have made. Take some time to get out by yourself now and then, and date night with dh, if possible. Pray that Gid will help you to love your dd more, to teach you how to parent her, to give you wisdom and grace in dealing with her. Edited January 1, 2012 by MrsJewelsRae Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: Lots of good advice. I would relax on the homeschooling in a structured sense and ask your dd what she envisions school to look like. You do know your dd and I would try to focus on the postives and not the negatives. Hard to do all the time. For example, my ds used to escape out of the house and could figure out any childproofing lock. It drove me nuts. I had to reframe and think that some day he would an enginner. What is the postive of being strong willed and disobedient? Thinking for one self and not being easily influeced by peers. (I am not condoning not listening and not doing what one is told, I am just trying to reframe the negative into something positive). Another thing that helped me was thinking about time out versus holding your child when they are misbehaving. I found that this worked great for ds. It would calm him down and then we could get somewhere. Also, when ds becomes irritable and really difficult to work with, I have to see if he needs a snack. If he goes too long without eating he is more difficult to deal with. Take time for yourself and reconnect what you used to enjoy doing. I hear what you are saying about a mentor. I have wanted someone like that and it hasn't appeared. However, I am fortunate to have had people who could support me come into my life. I would try connecting with a social group that has an activity you like doing or homeschool group. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 Until you can let go of defining yourself, your family, your life and your happiness by the standards of others, you will never achieve fulfillment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathmom Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 Until you can let go of defining yourself, your family, your life and your happiness by the standards of others, you will never achieve fulfillment. Audrey, I really, really like this point. So often we have internalized these standards of others and judge ourselves way too harshly. This is something I am working to overcome. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 Audrey, I really, really like this point. So often we have internalized these standards of others and judge ourselves way too harshly. This is something I am working to overcome. It is a long and constant journey. I know how pressured we women can become by images and ideals presented to us, not only in the media, but by those in our personal sphere. We have to stop measuring ourselves by others' yardsticks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CookIslandsMommy Posted January 2, 2012 Author Share Posted January 2, 2012 Thank you all for such wonderful, wonderful posts and suggestions. I have been so overwhelmed with all the posts. Such wonderful advice and not at all harsh. I humbly agree with so much of it!! I am a perfectionist. I have asked God to change me. Perhaps a little obsessive too...in that when I put myself into a task I go all in and more. I think I have depression. I have in the past, so I will get the meds. I had bad PND, not about the baby but about physical disability I suffered from being pregnant and permanent effects on my pelvis. I was finally almost completely weaned off, after 5 years!! But I think I will up it again - in fact I have already tonight. We live on a tiny island in the South Pacific. We can't attend a like minded fellowship - there just isn't one here. I am the only homeschooler here on the island. There are no extra curricular activities for DD. This is part of the guilt I have. Ironically she lacks major confidence with sport and being adventurous in physical things. I LOVE the climate here on the island, it really does make one feel great waking up in a warm, tropical paradise everyday...BUT it is isolated. I think we thought when we came here that we could get by on our own - but we realise we need people. We have made some friends, but it is a transient place - friends are always leaving. Other examples of DD's behaviour. We have spent years of training her manners up in regards to social situations. She has always tried to monoplise conversation when we are talking to our friends. After all the training, she still interuppts. In the last 2 weeks we have been chatting with neighbours/friends and she will interurrupt and on top of that many many times tells us and the people that it is time for us to go home now and so we must leave. Both times when we have got home she has been reprimanded and punished, but then she continues to be rude in public. She says it with a smile on her face, not a scowl. We don't start school here until Feb 1, so I have time to de-stress and start implementing some of the things suggested by PP. I wish I had a chill out button I could push on myself. I am already exercising. I started doing mini-triathlons, so I normally go out training 5pm-6:15pm. I *need* this time. BUT the rain came down for 8 days straight last week, couldn't get out...and I have injury in my knee (my personality - pushed myself too hard, too early). So I realise I need the exercise, otherwise I go crazy. We are seriously considering moving so that we can sort of live *normally*. Life here in the islands is not normal, it is like the forever holiday...that never ends. No permanent anything. People come and go. With homeschooling, I don't get to meet the new people that arrive, that go to school. I agree that I need to expand my horizon and be friends with people I have previously been a Christian snob to. I have avoided people who I thought may be a bad influence because I was trying to protect DD. Everything we do and have done is micro-analysed. I have read parenting books like from the Maxwells. I love them to bits. I read my daughter the Moody Books and I held up that family as an ideal and expectation for us to be. BUT we aren't that conservative. Thank you for all your prayers and posts, and for taking the time to write to me. I will be printing everyone post out and reading it and thinking about what you have all said. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Thanks so much!!!!! Lv Sherid Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted January 2, 2012 Share Posted January 2, 2012 One thing I want to say is your daughter is NOT trying to be rude. So punishing her seems kind of harsh for just being 5, and being honest. She has no idea it is rude to happily say " we need to go now". It sounds like she has reached her limit of socialization and needs a break then. She could be much worse...she could throw a temper tantrum instead of using her words! That doesn't mean you have to encourage or like that behavior, just realize it is normal and not acting out or disobedience. Have you practiced and role played these kind of scenarios? Could you come up with a code word you can use when she interrupts? You are asking her to have impulse control at a level that just might not be that developed yet. Instead, work on what ways you can help her. PUnishing her for normal behavior she probably can't help is only going to hurt your relationship. Also, you definitely need to be around other people with kids, so you can get over the idealized version you have in your head from books and such. You need to see that good families have kids that sometimes do annoying things. (even the Cosby show has episodes of kids getting in trouble!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Faithr Posted January 2, 2012 Share Posted January 2, 2012 Wow that sounds tough! Really tough! But you sound like you are in a better place from the tone of your post! Hurray for that! On the interrupting thing, ALL children have trouble with interrupting! It can become a power struggle! Don't delay response and don't punish either. Doesn't work, as you've found out! Instead what has worked the best for us (and nothing is ever perfect!) is to have a signal. When I am talking and a child interrupts I hold up one finger to signal to her that I notice she wants to talk but she has to wait her turn. And that I will get to her as soon as I can. If she's antsy about it, I'll draw her to me and stroke her hair or hug her a bit (this signal means, be patient, sweetie!), then as soon as there's an opening I turn my attention to her. You can't delay very long because a few moments to a child is an eternity. Especially if they are surrounded by adults who seem to chatter on forever on things they don't understand and feel excluded from! If the child gets obnoxious about the waiting for a minute, I will literally turn my back on her to show her I will not listen right now and emphatically hold up that one finger again (it's the pointer finger, not the other one, LOL!), if she still doesn't obey I'll turn to her, get right in her face and say in a very firm way: Did you forget interrupting is rude? Stop it now! And then immediately turn away again and do the finger thing. I might just wait a beat or two and then say to the person to whom I am talking, I need to take care of her right now, be right back! Then I turn and talk to my child. But I make her wait for just a little bit at least. Sometimes though it might be a case of her not feeling well, or upset about something or hungry or whatever. You have to call it as the situation decrees. Two other ideas, you might get your dd to brainstorm with you about how to control this bad habit she's in. She might have ideas. You can just explain that something must be done about the interrupting and does she have any ideas? After you talk a bit you could explain the finger signal and how it works and see if that would work. Also, when she interrupts, you could do a "do over." You might need to include the person you are talking to. You say something like, "excuse me, but we are working on our manners right now." Then turn to your 5 yo and say, Honey, you interrupted, let's do that over again and see if you can get right!" And then give her a chance to redeem herself. Absolutely ignore if she is smiling when she does something. That means she knows she is getting a rise out of you or that she is nervous and shows her nervousness that way. Just don't even take it into consideration when dealing with her. And the insolence will go away. It's all a power struggle! The way to end a power struggle is to get her to understand you are on the same team! That takes bonding, feeling close and trusting. This to me is why punishment seldom worked because it alienated rather than taught. Also, remember this is a process. Think to yourself we will work on this interrupting thing and by this time next year she'll have better manners. You have to be very patient and willing to teach the same lesson over and over again gently and consistently. And at some point it will click! And if she keeps begging to go home, tickle her or do something silly with her. Or pull her onto your lap! She craves attention right then or she feels bored so do something to help her. Is she the only child around a bunch of grown ups? It sounds like very typical behavior. And though you've spent years training her, she's only 5! She's got to mature into it! I hate to tell you this but it is an ongoing thing for a long time, years and years! And if it isn't this issue it'll be another. It's in your job description as mother. When you correct and guide her you are just doing your job! Anyway, I'm just full of advice, aren't I! LOL! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Free Posted January 2, 2012 Share Posted January 2, 2012 I had dreams of how I wanted her to be and become. She isn't really honouring to us or obedient, at least not all the time, or only if it is when she is wanting to. Things have turned out differently. She is difficult to manage and sometimes I wonder whether anything I teach her is really learned by her. She does read and write well. BUT she doesn't really receive my teaching. I feel so sad that my dream of having a beautifully obedient, quiet honouring child isn't happening. :grouphug: I can relate to this part, because for a long time raising my child was about me, about my needs, my dreams and my aspirations. It was only when I realised this that I was able to let go and accept him for who he is. To my astonishment, just allowing him to be who he is, has helped us so much. I hardly struggle with defiant behaviour anymore! Acceptance though is not easy because there are so many value judgments that we attach to normal human behaviour - lazy, disruptive, disobedient, defiant, etc etc. We as adults struggle with these traits as well, yet we expect children to be the embodiment of perfection. Would you be able to step back and ask why she behaves the way she does? And then allow her to express her anger/ resentment/ irritation at being made to do what she does not want to? It is after all normal human reaction. The details of how to work with her on her attitudes will take time and practice - but the important thing is to work with her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CookIslandsMommy Posted January 2, 2012 Author Share Posted January 2, 2012 Thanks again :001_smile: The interuppting and telling us that she believes it is time for us to go, is not the first time - we have to deal with this quite a few times and we have gone over and over this before visits etc. So it is not one off random event, she knows, or at least I would hope she would remember what we have said about not saying things like that. I have been too embarassed to stop her in the middle of the conversation, so I will try all the above ideas. She doesn't get harshly punished, she will have privileges taken away, like a special dessert for that night. My DD just expects me to be interacting with her all the time. She tries to monopolise conversations, & it is very frustrating & I get flustered as I just can't have one conversation without her trying to pull my attention away. She is not starved for attention, she gets plenty as we don't socialise that often with other people, so the rest of the time is 1:1 often with her. Often hubby and I can't have a conversation without this happening either. DD doesn't have devious or nasty behaviour, it is more domineering. She likes to in charge calling all the shots, in decisions that should be ours as parents only. She negotiates everything. Often when she does have playdates with people and we have given her the 5 minutes warning to pack up and come inside, she will dictate to me that that is fine but she will do something else when she comes inside. She likes the last word, likes to be the boss. Trying to take back the reins and remind her that she is the child and we are the parents is an ongoing struggle. From the posts, I see that her personality is very strong and probably more of a leader. We will have to try and parent with this in mind, rather than try and make her become a quiet, demure, yes-sir, child. There are definitely positives about her personality being that way, that will benefit her as she gets older. I think the key for us is trying to find people we can socialise with, so that she can play with other kids. We are very limited here, unless we go into an expat drinking scene. Alot of expat live here and they socialise heaps, but it is around drinking every weekend and the kids get dragged along to these events, and kept up super late. We don't drink, we like our daughter to be in bed at a good normal time (of course there are rare occasions when she has been up later), and we don't have much in common to talk about with the drinking crowd. I have felt so much better reading the posts and knowing that I can let go and relax a bit more. Thank you all!! Sherid Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 My DD just expects me to be interacting with her all the time. She tries to monopolise conversations, & it is very frustrating & I get flustered as I just can't have one conversation without her trying to pull my attention away. She is not starved for attention, she gets plenty as we don't socialise that often with other people, so the rest of the time is 1:1 often with her. Often hubby and I can't have a conversation without this happening either. Sherid Just wanted to add that this sounds very similar to lots of "only" children that I've been around. They are not starved for attention, and in fact, are used to getting all the attention from their parents, and don't know how to respond when they are not getting all the attention. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mothergooseof4 Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 You have received awesome advice from the the few posts I have read. I will be back later in the day to speak what's on my mind. I just wanted to let you know that I hear the pain in your post and have already prayed for you this morning. There have been times in my life that knowing others had already prayed for me that morning was all that gave me strength to get out of bed. I hope knowing you have been in the prayers of others helps you start you day in grace. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dragons in the flower bed Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 Other examples of DD's behaviour. We have spent years of training her manners up in regards to social situations. She has always tried to monoplise conversation when we are talking to our friends. After all the training, she still interuppts. In the last 2 weeks we have been chatting with neighbours/friends and she will interurrupt and on top of that many many times tells us and the people that it is time for us to go home now and so we must leave. Both times when we have got home she has been reprimanded and punished, but then she continues to be rude in public. She says it with a smile on her face, not a scowl. Is she six? I am a fan of high standards for conversation, and I was baffled, frustrated, overwhelmed and despairing when my oldest was seven years old. I was certain that I was doing something very wrong, or else that something was wrong with my son. But now he is eleven and he does just fine. It was magic. I didn't change anything. The eight-year-old turned the corner around seven, again, completely randomly. The six-year-old is in the thick of it, but I feel much more relaxed because I know it's just a developmental stage. If she's still doing that when she's nine, worry. For now, just take deep breaths, keep reminding her of the right things to do, and look forward to a better future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 I hope you don't mind, but I was reading some of your older posts. You're doing some pretty intense curricula with a very young child. It's possible she is a bit burned out, and therefore acting out. I don't mean to suggest you give it all up, but maybe your expectations are too much for her age, even if she is bright or gifted. There has to be time just to be. To enjoy each other. I think Fathr spoke to that well. I also agree you might check want to check your D levels and thryroid etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 So most of the time, all day, every day, you are the only person she has to talk to. But when you are around other adutls all of a sudden she is supposed to know NOT to converse with you. Sounds like that might be more than a 6 year old can figure out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 I have been struggling this year (2011) - still 30 minutes to go...with homeschooling and being with DD 5 at home. Life at the moment is difficult, we live geographically isolated...we have not been able to find a church that we fit in and I have barely any like minded friends. DD5 is very strong willed and argues with me. I could say the sky is blue and she will argue it is black. For the first couple of year after she was born I put 100% of everything of me into her. I spent all my energy on her, all my time on her. I had dreams of how I wanted her to be and become. She isn't really honouring to us or obedient, at least not all the time, or only if it is when she is wanting to. Things have turned out differently. She is difficult to manage and sometimes I wonder whether anything I teach her is really learned by her. She does read and write well. BUT she doesn't really receive my teaching. I feel so sad that my dream of having a beautifully obedient, quiet honouring child isn't happening. We have tried to shield her from any negative influences & becuause she is our only child perhaps we have become paranoid in some regards about this. But...within the last year I have a demise in myself and in my personality. I no longer feel happy. I am so unhappy. I don't know how to be happy. We have taken a break & will start new school year again in February, but the thought of working myself to death doing lessons plans and school planning is not something I want to do. I have given so much of myself into this child and I feel like it has been a waste of time. If I have to be honest, somedays I don't even know if I like my own DD. I feel dead to her somedays too. As a result I feel miserable, my walk with the Lord is awful right now, I get grumpy, angry, say things a good mother would never say. I am a useless wife. Right now I am in a very selfish place. I just don't know how to pick myself up and try and be happy or serve my family - I honestly just don't want to anymore. I don't have people in my life that can encourage me or show me how to be a good mother. It is not in my natural instincts to be one. I was never around a good Christian family to see how one is supposed to look. How do I become happy? How does a good mother look like in how she lives her day? PLease can someone just detail to me what she does when she wakes up, what she is meant to do, how she treats her children, what things she does in the household, whether she has time for anything for herself.... Anything like that would be helpful and encouraging for me. I so desperately would love to have a Christian mentor in my life, but I don't have anyone here that can fill this role. So that is why I have bared my soul & come on here for help. Thanks for reading so far. Please don't judge me I am honestly just trying my best, but have run out of all energy and hope. xxx first of all, I am not judging you, because I have been there ALOT with my oldest who sounds alot like yours. The bolded is what caught my eye. I too spent years picturing my dd as a different person. I agonized over "Why can't she be like ....Why can't she just do what I ask her without arguing." Anyway, the best day of my life was when I accepted that no she isn't a different kid. She is who she is and I need to accept that she will likely never be a compliant easy child. She will be a hard kid to raise. I will earn my parenting stripes with her. But my dh was just like her as a child and I like him pretty well now. Also I began to realize that GOD HAD A REASON for giving my child to me. He wanted me to teach her stuff and HE WANTS TO TEACH ME STUFF! Look at my siggie! She is what inspired that quote. Quit trying to reinvent your dd. Allow her to be who she is. Likely she is picking up on your dislike of her personality. Also I read the book "Have a New Child by Friday" by Kevin Leman. I quit pushing back against my dd and let her decide whether or not she wanted to behave. IOW, I quit taking her disobedience personally and let her decide, "Do I want to cooperate and have life be good, or do I want to do it my way and enjoy miserable consequences?" It was entirely her decision. I had to learn the non-committal shrug. And I had to remember (still have to remind myself of this) IT TAKES TWO TO ARGUE! :grouphug: Some kids are really hard to raise. If you look back at some of my past posts you will see that my oldest dd is NOT an easy kid. But she is a neat kid. I love her for who she is and someday she is going to do amazing things. And when she is fighting with her own 14 yr old dd, I will leave the room and LAUGH! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 Thanks again :001_smile: The interuppting and telling us that she believes it is time for us to go, is not the first time - we have to deal with this quite a few times and we have gone over and over this before visits etc. So it is not one off random event, she knows, or at least I would hope she would remember what we have said about not saying things like that. I have been too embarassed to stop her in the middle of the conversation, so I will try all the above ideas. She doesn't get harshly punished, she will have privileges taken away, like a special dessert for that night. My DD just expects me to be interacting with her all the time. She tries to monopolise conversations, & it is very frustrating & I get flustered as I just can't have one conversation without her trying to pull my attention away. She is not starved for attention, she gets plenty as we don't socialise that often with other people, so the rest of the time is 1:1 often with her. Often hubby and I can't have a conversation without this happening either. DD doesn't have devious or nasty behaviour, it is more domineering. She likes to in charge calling all the shots, in decisions that should be ours as parents only. She negotiates everything. Often when she does have playdates with people and we have given her the 5 minutes warning to pack up and come inside, she will dictate to me that that is fine but she will do something else when she comes inside. She likes the last word, likes to be the boss. Trying to take back the reins and remind her that she is the child and we are the parents is an ongoing struggle. From the posts, I see that her personality is very strong and probably more of a leader. We will have to try and parent with this in mind, rather than try and make her become a quiet, demure, yes-sir, child. There are definitely positives about her personality being that way, that will benefit her as she gets older. I think the key for us is trying to find people we can socialise with, so that she can play with other kids. We are very limited here, unless we go into an expat drinking scene. Alot of expat live here and they socialise heaps, but it is around drinking every weekend and the kids get dragged along to these events, and kept up super late. We don't drink, we like our daughter to be in bed at a good normal time (of course there are rare occasions when she has been up later), and we don't have much in common to talk about with the drinking crowd. I have felt so much better reading the posts and knowing that I can let go and relax a bit more. Thank you all!! Sherid She is an only child. She interacts mostly with adults so she sees herself as an adult sort of. Remember that. My oldest was an only for 4 years. When she was about 6 I had to write down a list of good manners. Things like "Never correct an adult. You can politely disagree (gave examples) but just correcting other people is rude" When my dd began to argue about something I would say, "Dear, the correct answer in this situation is "Yes Ma'am" And I would pause expectantly. She saw herself as my equal, since she spent most of her time socializing with adults, so she didn't think she should take orders from me. I also had to be careful not to phrase commands as requests. "Can you pick up your socks for me?" Is completely different from "Pick up the socks and put them away." My dd is very literal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 Just wanted to add that this sounds very similar to lots of "only" children that I've been around. They are not starved for attention, and in fact, are used to getting all the attention from their parents, and don't know how to respond when they are not getting all the attention. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 Having read your posts to this thread, I have to say that I think you are doing a few things that many of us "moms of only children" tend to do: 1. You are assuming a level of emotional maturity that she does not have as a 5yo. She is probably very bright and articulate, with a great vocabulary, so it's easy to treat her like a mini-adult. The problem is that, despite all of her achievements, she's still a little kid. 2. You're trying to teach her everything she will ever need to know, all at once, RIGHT NOW, and it's too much. She's only 5. You've got about 12 more years to teach her the things she will need to know when she applies to colleges. And I hate to say this, but most of the wonderful and incredibly important things you're teaching her right now (aside from basic stuff like reading, writing, and math) will be forgotten in time, anyway. Honestly, how much do you remember of the things you learned in first grade? Probably not too much, right? ;) I hope I don't sound harsh, because it's not my intention, but I was quite driven when I started homeschooling my ds (who will turn 12 soon,) and I quickly learned that we both felt a lot better when I relaxed. While it's nice to develop a routine of "doing a bit of school" at your dd's age, I think it's even more important to keep it fun and stress-free for both of you. I think the main objective in the early years is to get your child to think of school as a good thing, not as a stressful thing. Many moms confuse what is truly important for their children, with what they think they "need" to teach them so they'll have bragging rights about all of the incredibly impressive and advanced things their kids have learned. (Even if we're just bragging to ourselves in the mirror! ;)) My best advice to you is to throw the perfectionism out the window when it comes to your dd. She's 5. She's going to be an obnoxious little tyrant at times. It goes with the territory right now. But if you are able to relax and put away your list of expectations (both educationally and behaviorally,) you'll probably find that you and your dd will have a lot more fun together, and she will be more willing to cooperate with you, and in the end, she'll learn what's most important anyway -- while you both have a better time. I know that all of this is easier said than done, but I think it will help your own mental outlook if you spend less time on formal schooling and more time on enjoying your dd. Realistically, if you're spending a lot of time planning a 5yo's school schedule, you're going way, way overboard. Do you really want her to be in graduate school when she's 12? If not, why push her so hard right now? (And I speak as the parent of a kid who could probably already be in college, but I think it's more important to let him be a normal, happy kid on a normal school schedule.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathmom Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 Just wanted to add that this sounds very similar to lots of "only" children that I've been around. They are not starved for attention, and in fact, are used to getting all the attention from their parents, and don't know how to respond when they are not getting all the attention. :iagree: My oldest was an only for 6.5 years and he was always this way! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deb in NZ Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Thank you all for such wonderful, wonderful posts and suggestions. I have been so overwhelmed with all the posts. Such wonderful advice and not at all harsh. I humbly agree with so much of it!! I am a perfectionist. I have asked God to change me. Perhaps a little obsessive too...in that when I put myself into a task I go all in and more. I think I have depression. I have in the past, so I will get the meds. I had bad PND, not about the baby but about physical disability I suffered from being pregnant and permanent effects on my pelvis. I was finally almost completely weaned off, after 5 years!! But I think I will up it again - in fact I have already tonight. We live on a tiny island in the South Pacific. We can't attend a like minded fellowship - there just isn't one here. I am the only homeschooler here on the island. There are no extra curricular activities for DD. This is part of the guilt I have. Ironically she lacks major confidence with sport and being adventurous in physical things. Living in the islands makes it hard to find "like minded" people who fit your idea of who you'd choose to socialize with. I lived for over 3 years on an atoll in the Pacific. It was a very small expat community & I really grew as an individual because I had to expand my social horizons. It was very hard at times but looking back it was worth it. I LOVE the climate here on the island, it really does make one feel great waking up in a warm, tropical paradise everyday...BUT it is isolated. I think we thought when we came here that we could get by on our own - but we realise we need people. We have made some friends, but it is a transient place - friends are always leaving. The transient fact of ex-pat life is really hard. I had a friend who would ask anyone new 4 ?'s & the answer to those ?s would determine whether she put time & energy into the relationship. It is really hard to see friends fly off at the end of the year. The up-side to that is we've found that the friends we made in the islands have been friends for life. We get friends dropping by or phoning quite often that we met during our ex-pat years. Other examples of DD's behaviour. We have spent years of training her manners up in regards to social situations. She has always tried to monoplise conversation when we are talking to our friends. After all the training, she still interuppts. In the last 2 weeks we have been chatting with neighbours/friends and she will interurrupt and on top of that many many times tells us and the people that it is time for us to go home now and so we must leave. Both times when we have got home she has been reprimanded and punished, but then she continues to be rude in public. She says it with a smile on her face, not a scowl. Like others have said, your dd is only 5yo & this isn't unusual behavior. When you socialize is it with families with dc that your dd can socialize with as well or is it just with other adults? Even as an adult I would find it difficult to be quiet & polite in social situations where I had no interest. From our days in the islands, most social situations had kids running off to play & the adults enjoying themselves as well. The freedom of children in the islands is something my dd & ds#1 remember with fondness. We don't start school here until Feb 1, so I have time to de-stress and start implementing some of the things suggested by PP. I wish I had a chill out button I could push on myself. I am already exercising. I started doing mini-triathlons, so I normally go out training 5pm-6:15pm. I *need* this time. BUT the rain came down for 8 days straight last week, couldn't get out...and I have injury in my knee (my personality - pushed myself too hard, too early). So I realise I need the exercise, otherwise I go crazy. We are seriously considering moving so that we can sort of live *normally*. Life here in the islands is not normal, it is like the forever holiday...that never ends. No permanent anything. People come and go. With homeschooling, I don't get to meet the new people that arrive, that go to school. HS/ing shouldn't take all day for a 5yo. A couple of hours of academics should more than cover what needs to be done, then spend the rest of the day exploring the paradise you live in. I agree that I need to expand my horizon and be friends with people I have previously been a Christian snob to. I have avoided people who I thought may be a bad influence because I was trying to protect DD. Everything we do and have done is micro-analysed. Think WWJD in your situation. I have read parenting books like from the Maxwells. I love them to bits. I read my daughter the Moody Books and I held up that family as an ideal and expectation for us to be. BUT we aren't that conservative. Thank you for all your prayers and posts, and for taking the time to write to me. I will be printing everyone post out and reading it and thinking about what you have all said. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Thanks so much!!!!! Lv Sherid Ex-pat life isn't always easy, but it can be very rewarding. The most content ex-pats IMHO are those who are open to new ideas & share themselves with others. If you continue to seclude your family, it is very confining & makes ex-pat life seem like a prison sentence. Are you in Raro or on one of the outer islands? I haven't been to the Cook Islands, but my dh worked in Raro for a few years when he first went overseas & has many fond memories of those days. Blessings, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deb in NZ Posted January 5, 2012 Share Posted January 5, 2012 (edited) CookIslandsMommy, I have been thinking a lot about your recent posts :grouphug: In your situation I would suggest you strongly consider using Te Kura (the NZ Correspondence School), ACE, Abeka, Alpha Omerga, or something similar that is all planned out for you. (5 years old is only kindergarten in America, so don't look higher than First Grade IMHO. What students do in New Entrance/Year 1 in NZ is similar to kindergaten work in America. Academic skill & social maturity are two totally different things.) You could add in 1-2 read-alouds a month as fun, bedtime reading to supplement the planned curriculum (look at Sonlight for ideas of good literature.) Using a planned curriculum for a year or two would take a lot of stress out of your days, allowing you to be mum / wife / etc. more & helping you to get a better handle on how much paper/pencil work to expect from your 5yo. Don't try to tweak the curriculum, but use it as planned & fill in the rest of the day with life experiences (nature walks, cooking, make a journal / year book about your life in the Cooks, swimming, crafts, etc.) Consider allowing your dd to play with the neighbourhood kids. This will help a lot with her confidence & skill in sports & making friends. She is at the perfect age to pick up language & will probably pick up Cook Islands Maori rather quickly. This will be a huge benefit to her. I'm assuming that you are a NZer from some of your previous posts. Moving back to NZ wouldn't necessarily fix much of what you are struggling with as you will have the same challenges here in NZ as well. There are more HSers in NZ, but not in every town. There are some HS-only activities in the bigger centres, but you will find that the NZ HS/ing community is very diverse & the worldview of many would not fit comfortably with your own Christian worldview. There are gifted programs in the PS in many areas, but I'm noticing that these programs are getting cut due to budget cuts in a lot of schools near me. These programs don't start until around year 4 (age 8-9) at the earliest, so your dd wouldn't even qualify yet. Relax. Focus on enjoying your days in paradise instead of trying to make life perfect for everyone. It's only after a rainstorm that we get to enjoy the beautiful rainbow. :grouphug: Edited January 5, 2012 by Deb in NZ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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