Am I Being Unreasonable

[Mama Geek]

My IL's think they have a right to say how my dd is raised and my MIL tries to baby her whenever we are together. Dh and I have been married a long time and have never lived near our families until now. Now we are only near them part time. (Don't ask, it is a long story.) Dh and I have figured stuff out on our own for a long time. It really gets on my nerves and I don't know if it is because I am old and set in my ways, if their expectations are unreasonable or something else that is the problem. I really don't want others to raise dd. I more expect grandparents to do fun things with their grandkids and let us be the parents. We have been trying to get dd to be independent, confident, and always be willing to stretch what she can do. They really don't like this. I don't know if this would be such an issue if I were a young mom, maybe I would just let it happen and it wouldn't bother me. Dh and I have our own ideas as to how dd should be raised and they don't like most of it. Often there is lots of unsolicited advice that is critical of us and fairly controlling in nature from MIL in particular. It tends to bother me much more than dh because he says he can just ignore her. He gets tired of hearing me complain about it and says I should just ignore it.

 

I think after some good advice I will talk to dh when he gets home and hopefully he and I can sit down together with is parents and discuss a the couple of major issues.

Edited October 11, 2011 by Mama Geek

[Melinda in VT]

Are you being unreasonable? It's hard for me to tell from your post. It appears you are complaining that your ILs are "babying" a 15-month-old child? :confused:

[Impish]

Your dd is only 15 mths old, and already her independence is an issue?

 

Sorry, but for a 15 mth old, I think 'babying' her is a completely normal thing, esp for a grandparent to do.

[annandatje]

My IL's think they have a right to say how my dd is raised and my MIL tries to baby her whenever we are together. Dh and I have been married a long time and have never lived near our families until now. Now we are only near them part time. (Don't ask, it is a long story.) Dh and I have figured stuff out on our own for a long time. It really gets on my nerves and I don't know if it is because I am old and set in my ways, if their expectations are unreasonable or something else that is the problem. I really don't want others to raise dd. I more expect grandparents to do fun things with their grandkids and let us be the parents. We have been trying to get dd to be independent, confident, and always be willing to stretch what she can do. They really don't like this. I don't know if this would be such an issue if I were a young mom, maybe I would just let it happen and it wouldn't bother me. Dh and I have our own ideas as to how dd should be raised and they don't like most of it. Often there is lots of unsolicited advice that is critical of us and fairly controlling in nature from MIL in particular. It tends to bother me much more than dh because he says he can just ignore her. He gets tired of hearing me complain about it and says I should just ignore it.

 

I read your post followed by noting your daughter's age. My gut instinct is that, yes, you are being unreasonable. I do not know what "independence" and "fun things" look like with a fifteen month old.

[Mama Geek]

Are you being unreasonable? It's hard for me to tell from your post. It appears you are complaining that your ILs are "babying" a 15-month-old child? :confused:

 

We tend to let dd do a lot more than they approve of. An example she runs around on our tile floor. Sometimes she falls, but she usually gets up and goes on about her business. If MIL or FIL are around it is oh you poor thing, come here and let us make it better. I've seen her get up and then start to cry when she sees that from them. We also try to discourage her being fussy either by putting her in her pack and play or not giving her what she is fussing over. They pick her up and and hug her and reward her for that type of thing.

[cindergretta]

Never mind. Clearly, we are radically different types of parents.

[Mama Geek]

We let her climb either in a low enough area that she won't get seriously hurt or we have a hand on her when she does something like climbing a ladder, yes she has climbed to the top of a 6 foot ladder with hands holding onto her just enough to keep her from falling.

[RoughCollie]

Never mind. Clearly, we are radically different types of parents.

 

Yeah, we are too.

[mrs.m]

We tend to let dd do a lot more than they approve of. An example she runs around on our tile floor. Sometimes she falls, but she usually gets up and goes on about her business. If MIL or FIL are around it is oh you poor thing, come here and let us make it better. I've seen her get up and then start to cry when she sees that from them. We also try to discourage her being fussy either by putting her in her pack and play or not giving her what she is fussing over. They pick her up and and hug her and reward her for that type of thing.

 

I think you are being unreasonable.

 

It's not like they are there all the time and will spoil her by picking her up when she falls. :confused: Grandparents are supposed to be that way. Let them love her!

[OrganicAnn]

15 month old is still almost a baby. So a GP can be excused for babying a 15 month old. And a little babying at that age is not going to set her back developmentally, unless she is with GM for days or weeks.

 

I would say that you need to stop complaining to your DH about his parents.

 

Also you need to let their advice go in one ear and out the other. You need to learn to answer with pass the bean dip remarks. "Thanks for the information" then change the subject. Or "Our pediatrician told us to do that" then change the subject.

 

Eventually she will realize that you are not going to do things her way. She might not like it, but she will realize it.

[justamouse]

At 15 months independence isn't all it's cracked up to be.

 

I had more typed out. We parent very differently.

 

What I will say is that this may be your only. Don't rush things, they fly by all on their own.

[PinkInTheBlue]

One thing I look back at with our 15 and 13 year old boys is that I didn't really realize how small they were when they were little. When they were 5 and 3 I had such expectations of them because they were so "big". Now our baby is 5 and I realize how very little even 5 is. I think it's very, very common to think your baby is so big once they aren't an infant any more. I see my brother and his wife talking about all these expectations they have of their 3 year old and wish I could explain to them what they are missing. (They have a 13 month old and she's pregnant also, so that really makes him look old to them.)

 

As someone else said, you haven't really given enough information to really give you any clear ideas of reasonableness or unreasonableness. However, since your daughter is your first, I wouldn't be surprised if some of what you might be experiencing is relating to what all first time parents feel. She's 15 months. She's A BABY. :)

 

I don't know if that will help at all. If you want to discuss other details I'm sure we'd be glad to offer lots and lots of opinion on here. It's one thing we are very good at. ;) LOL

[cindergretta]

At 15 months independence isn't all it's cracked up to be.

 

I had more typed out. We parent very differently.

 

What I will say is that this may be your only. Don't rush things, they fly by all on their own.

 

:iagree:

[Melinda in VT]

If you are expecting grandparents not to cuddle and kiss a child who has fallen and is crying, then yes, you are being unreasonable.

 

If you are expecting grandparents to be enthusiastic about the kind of climbing you let her do, you are not necessarily unreasonable, but definitely unrealistic. I would learn to let the advice roll of you.

[cindergretta]

One thing I look back at with our 15 and 13 year old boys is that I didn't really realize how small they were when they were little. When they were 5 and 3 I had such expectations of them because they were so "big". Now our baby is 5 and I realize how very little even 5 is. I think it's very, very common to think your baby is so big once they aren't an infant any more. I see my brother and his wife talking about all these expectations they have of their 3 year old and wish I could explain to them what they are missing. (They have a 13 month old and she's pregnant also, so that really makes him look old to them.)

 

As someone else said, you haven't really given enough information to really give you any clear ideas of reasonableness or unreasonableness. However, since your daughter is your first, I wouldn't be surprised if some of what you might be experiencing is relating to what all first time parents feel. She's 15 months. She's A BABY. :)

 

I don't know if that will help at all. If you want to discuss other details I'm sure we'd be glad to offer lots and lots of opinion on here. It's one thing we are very good at. ;) LOL

 

Truer words were never spoken! My oldest was 6 when my 3rd was born, wow! He seemed so big and mature. Now my 5th child is 6 and she seems like such a wee mite. Never mind our 3 year old! Obviously she is just a baby!! :tongue_smilie:

[kalanamak]

I would not take well to a MIL being critical of how I am raising my child less real danger was afoot. Your daughter is hearing this! I'd tell her I appreciated her concern, but that you are the mother, not her, and that you don't want such things said where your child might here.

 

I'd ask hubby to step in, but it seems yours has voted with his hearing (as in ignoring). Sounds like he'd like you to do the same.

 

As for the babying, I'm with you. I can't tell you how often my son got a teeny owie and looked to me for my response. If it was a significant thump, I'd look him over, give him a little comfort and then distract with "look at that bird at the feeder" if there was no real damage. If it was an insignificant bump, I'd chirp out "You're all right" (which is a familial phrase) and he wouldn't even cry.

 

So, I know what you are talking about. If your child gets a little lovey dovey from her, fine, but if she starts becoming "scared" of the tiles, or whatever, I would speak up. I'd be polite, respectful, but firm. I'd repeat as necessary. I say this because I was married into a family where mom and dad felt it their perfect right to horn in, and they were still doing it when their baby was 30. Ugh.

 

:grouphug: and good luck. I hate hassles like this.

[gardenmom5]

My IL's think they have a right to say how my dd is raised and my MIL tries to baby her whenever we are together.

I more expect grandparents to do fun things with their grandkids and let us be the parents.

Often there is lots of unsolicited advice that is critical of us and fairly controlling in nature from MIL in particular. .

 

You've answered your own questions. You have a controlling in nature mil. she isn't able to do the "fun" things because that is not her nature.

 

limit the time your daughter spends with her. the constant "babying" that contradicts what you are attempting to teach will leave her confused and undermine her self-confidence. don't bother trying to change your mil, but do insitute boundaries - one possible is "these are my expectations of how you will treat dd when she is with you, if they are met you may spend time with her. if they aren't met, you will not be spending time with her". state is matter-of-factly. You are the parent, she's already had her turn.

[NorthwestMom]

We also try to discourage her being fussy either by putting her in her pack and play or not giving her what she is fussing over.

 

Have you considered that the fussiness is her trying to communicate with you, imperfectly because she is still a baby? It is a form of communication.

[twoforjoy]

I think that expecting grandparents to not pick up a crying or fussy 15mo is probably unreasonable, yes.

[cindergretta]

Have you considered that the fussiness is her trying to communicate with you, imperfectly because she is still a baby? It is a form of communication.

 

That is where I decided we must parent very differently. The part you quoted just rubbed me the wrong way, I guess. Not criticizing the OP or anything, just realizing that we more than likely see things radically differently when it comes to tots.

[Nakia]

I also parent very differently from you. That said, I do not think it is unreasonable to expect your mil to respect you and how you parent your daughter. Going right along with that, I think it is very reasonable to let your mil baby your baby a bit. :001_smile:

[Mama Geek]

One thing I look back at with our 15 and 13 year old boys is that I didn't really realize how small they were when they were little. When they were 5 and 3 I had such expectations of them because they were so "big". Now our baby is 5 and I realize how very little even 5 is. I think it's very, very common to think your baby is so big once they aren't an infant any more. I see my brother and his wife talking about all these expectations they have of their 3 year old and wish I could explain to them what they are missing. (They have a 13 month old and she's pregnant also, so that really makes him look old to them.)

 

As someone else said, you haven't really given enough information to really give you any clear ideas of reasonableness or unreasonableness. However, since your daughter is your first, I wouldn't be surprised if some of what you might be experiencing is relating to what all first time parents feel. She's 15 months. She's A BABY. :)

 

I don't know if that will help at all. If you want to discuss other details I'm sure we'd be glad to offer lots and lots of opinion on here. It's one thing we are very good at. ;) LOL

 

I think maybe what it boils down to is where is the line between grandma and mom. I have a lot of hard feelings from the past towards my MIL and I am sure that some of that is playing into this. We've been around her for maybe a month until now. I take her actions and words as your not doing things the way I would do them and that isn't good enough.

 

I do watch my dd and take care of her both at home and when we go out whether it is visiting or running around a store. I don't expect others to have to make her behave. She has tried to step in between me and dd many times, to the point of I will not correct her when they are around. I leave it entirely up to dh. It doesn't matter whether it is telling her no, removing her from the situation, or taking a toy from her that she is throwing.

[kalanamak]

Have you considered that the fussiness is her trying to communicate with you, imperfectly because she is still a baby? It is a form of communication.

 

I think she means "fussy" as "whining about something she wants but can't have", not "fussy" as in wet, coming down sick, or over tired. If my child at that age wanted, say, the bread knife, and reached, pointed, and said "MINE!", I'd say no and make sure it was out of his reach. If he kept it up, he was distracted with a move or a comment (e.g. "Where's kitty?"). I think kids that age can learn "no" (and without the use of plumbing line ...), but removing a forbidden object or moving child is not bad parenting.

 

What if it isn't a bread knife, but a toy when, say, 20 other toys are out and spread around. I feel "no, you have enough out already" is okay. Perhaps the OP is saying MIL will "give her anything she wants", and trumps Mom's wishes. I trained my husband out of giving kiddo anything he wanted to keep him happy (quiet) by making it clear hubby had to pick up all the junk (he is a SAHD). That cured papa, who cured kiddo.

[cindergretta]

This sounds like it is a LOT more to do with you and mil and a LOT less to do with your dd. She is the pawn in whatever game is afoot.

 

Your dh needs to intervene and lay down the ground rules. After all, his mother and his wife are clearly at loggerheads and that isn't just going to go away.

[Mama Geek]

I would not take well to a MIL being critical of how I am raising my child less real danger was afoot. Your daughter is hearing this! I'd tell her I appreciated her concern, but that you are the mother, not her, and that you don't want such things said where your child might here.

 

I'd ask hubby to step in, but it seems yours has voted with his hearing (as in ignoring). Sounds like he'd like you to do the same.

 

As for the babying, I'm with you. I can't tell you how often my son got a teeny owie and looked to me for my response. If it was a significant thump, I'd look him over, give him a little comfort and then distract with "look at that bird at the feeder" if there was no real damage. If it was an insignificant bump, I'd chirp out "You're all right" (which is a familial phrase) and he wouldn't even cry.

 

So, I know what you are talking about. If your child gets a little lovey dovey from her, fine, but if she starts becoming "scared" of the tiles, or whatever, I would speak up. I'd be polite, respectful, but firm. I'd repeat as necessary. I say this because I was married into a family where mom and dad felt it their perfect right to horn in, and they were still doing it when their baby was 30. Ugh.

 

:grouphug: and good luck. I hate hassles like this.

 

This is the exact thing I am talking about.

[kalanamak]

She has tried to step in between me and dd many times, to the point of I will not correct her when they are around. I leave it entirely up to dh. It doesn't matter whether it is telling her no, removing her from the situation, or taking a toy from her that she is throwing.

 

There are issues bigger than your child, and the child is a pawn in this situation. I'd really work on having hubby help you on this. Maybe the "how can we make this situation better" rather than "complaining" to him.

 

:grouphug:

[Mama Geek]

This sounds like it is a LOT more to do with you and mil and a LOT less to do with your dd. She is the pawn in whatever game is afoot.

 

Your dh needs to intervene and lay down the ground rules. After all, his mother and his wife are clearly at loggerheads and that isn't just going to go away.

 

I'd like to not have dd be in the middle. I have been encouraging them to go visit his parents with out me at least most of the time. He and I are on the same page with parenting dd and I can only assume that he follows through with it when he is with his parents, but he is often oblivious of some of the things MIL says and does. (You know that in one ear and out the other thing.)

 

Dh is out of town for 3 full days and of course the IL's want me to come over with dd for awhile. I am trying to come up with enough plans for us that oh, we just can't make it.

[kwg]

well.....my mil (bless her :lol:) drives me batty at times and I have found the best method is to let her have the kids without me around. I get me time and she gets grandmommy time and we are both happy! As long as you are not worried about your dd's physical or emotional safety then ask them to watch her while you go get a haircut or something. In the end, I took a deep breath and reminded myself that my dh and I were the main influences in our children's lives..not the grandparents. There are times they come home from my mil and have to detox a bit- too much sugar and too much junk TV (and we are liberal with this so you know it is BAD but anyway :glare:) but they get back into the groove.

 

How does she respond to the pack and play when fussy? Mine were not fans so I am curious :tongue_smilie:

[eternalknot]

I don't know if it is because I am old and set in my ways, if their expectations are unreasonable or something else that is the problem.

 

Maybe it's a combination of all three? It doesn't matter if you're old and set, nor does it matter if they are unreasonable; the task now is to figure out how to take what you have and make it work. Your child will benefit SO MUCH from a harmonious family, moreso perhaps than the she will from a consistent but tense environment.

 

I really don't want others to raise dd. I more expect grandparents to do fun things with their grandkids and let us be the parents.

 

Has that been explicitly communicated to them, in a non-confrontational way outside of a "heat of the moment" situation? Maybe it's just a matter of differing family dynamics, and it just needs to be assertively communicated in a way that doesn't put them on the defense.

 

Dh and I have our own ideas as to how dd should be raised and they don't like most of it.

 

Since you have a toddler, you're experienced in calmly repeating yourself LOL. I spoke to my ILs as though they were toddlers. Not in tone, mind you, but in spirit. I used small words, a calm tone of voice, and repeated the same phrases over and over. "You don't have to agree, but you have to respect our decisions. We might learn some things the hard way, and you might learn some things a new way. You didn't raise a fool, nor did I marry one."

 

Often there is lots of unsolicited advice that is critical of us and fairly controlling in nature from MIL in particular. It tends to bother me much more than dh because he says he can just ignore her. He gets tired of hearing me complain about it and says I should just ignore it.

 

This reminds me of my marriage. My MIL is passive-aggressive, manipulative, and controlling. Her son (my husband) loves her but he can't stand her and avoids her if at all possible. It's sad (to me). I used to get so upset with him for being "so mean" to his mother, but after enough years I realized that his way was truly the only way to get through life with her in it!

 

I had two choices: do what every one else in her life does, and ignore her, or RE-TRAIN her. It wasn't easy, but i sincerely believe we teach people how to treat us. I worked on her for years and she no longer pulls her garbage on me because she knows it (a) won't work, and (b) I'm the only one she has left because she's driven her own blood family away.

 

Part of the re-training involved also re-training myself, and my reactions to her. I had to learn to sometimes ignore her the way everyone else did (I just didn't do it as an all/nothing approach the way my husband and his sister did). I also had to learn to pick my battles. Instead of fighting everything, I picked a handful of Very Important Things. To me this was just learning to be flexible; it's the annoying part of being close with extended family, but the trade-off is so worth it (especially for the grandkids). Even if it's not always noticeable here and now. Figure out what where in the middle you and MIL can meet, and approach her with an olive branch and the words: "We both want what is best for your granddaughter ..." Explain the importance of your authority and how it can confuse your daughter when it's undermined in front of her.

Edited October 11, 2011 by eternalknot

[KristinaBreece]

I think maybe what it boils down to is where is the line between grandma and mom. I have a lot of hard feelings from the past towards my MIL and I am sure that some of that is playing into this. We've been around her for maybe a month until now. I take her actions and words as your not doing things the way I would do them and that isn't good enough.

 

I do watch my dd and take care of her both at home and when we go out whether it is visiting or running around a store. I don't expect others to have to make her behave. She has tried to step in between me and dd many times, to the point of I will not correct her when they are around. I leave it entirely up to dh. It doesn't matter whether it is telling her no, removing her from the situation, or taking a toy from her that she is throwing.

 

Your ILs sound a lot like mine. We spent the first year of DS's life living within a block of their house. Bad idea. There was a period of time where DH wouldn't see her and wouldn't let her have DS because she was an actual threat to our relationship. DH is an only, adopted child. He never *quite* lived up to what she thought a son would be, and I think she thought I would be her "replacement child," and, when that didn't work, that she would make up for it by "parenting" our DC as much as she could. He had to take a firm stand to get her to back off. We may be back in the same city very soon, and I hope the lessening of the physical distance won't make her think I've loosened those boundaries.

[ktgrok]

Yes, you are being unreasonable. They pick up a baby when she hurts herself, and if she is fussy and wants something they give it to her. They sound lovely and caring.

 

You, on the other hand, are trying to teach a baby self control, delayed gratification, and other skills that are totally inappropriate for a baby of that age. I'd recommend some child development texts to brush up on reasonable expectations at that age. (that means written by actual academics, not Pastors or pseudo experts like the Ezzos).

[Mama Geek]

well.....my mil (bless her :lol:) drives me batty at times and I have found the best method is to let her have the kids without me around. I get me time and she gets grandmommy time and we are both happy! As long as you are not worried about your dd's physical or emotional safety then ask them to watch her while you go get a haircut or something. In the end, I took a deep breath and reminded myself that my dh and I were the main influences in our children's lives..not the grandparents. There are times they come home from my mil and have to detox a bit- too much sugar and too much junk TV (and we are liberal with this so you know it is BAD but anyway :glare:) but they get back into the groove.

 

How does she respond to the pack and play when fussy? Mine were not fans so I am curious :tongue_smilie:

 

She isn't a fan of the pack and play although for a short while longer it is her bed. But she knows she has to calm down before she can get out. Sometimes it takes one of us saying are you done fussing yet. When she is tired and it is nap time or bed time she usually fusses for a minute or 2 and then settles down and goes to sleep. She doesn't spend any other time than those 2 things in a pack and play.

[Denisemomof4]

I think that expecting grandparents to not pick up a crying or fussy 15mo is probably unreasonable, yes.

 

:iagree:

 

My mother JUMPED out of a recliner when my dd, age 1, hit her head on the fireplace. My mom had JUST gotten home from a MAJOR surgery and was resting in that recliner for minutes. I felt absolutely HORRIBLE.

 

I'm very sorry but I'm horrified that your baby was allowed to climb to the top of a 6 ft. ladder.

[SonshineLearner]

:iagree:

....

I'm very sorry but I'm horrified that your baby was allowed to climb to the top of a 6 ft. ladder.

(But, you saw that someone had their hands on her, right?) I'm taking it that this was done in such a way that she would have been ok, had she slipped...

[kalanamak]

(But, you saw that someone had their hands on her, right?) I'm taking it that this was done in such a way that she would have been ok, had she slipped...

 

My son loved climbing, but he didn't do it on his own. Only when Papa's big strong hands were holding his middle on each side encircling his waist, but letting kiddo use his muscles to do the work and decide the course. He would get at the bottom, hold a rung, and squawk at Papa. I seem to recall a little foot stamping, too, if Papa wasn't right there. :) I wasn't good enough. I have thin bony hands (probably colder, too.)

 

Even so, I know there were people freaked out about this. I saw the reaction in the park. One mom said it would train him to do it when we weren't around. Perhaps that bothers some people.

[Mama Geek]

Maybe it's a combination of all three? It doesn't matter if you're old and set, nor does it matter if they are unreasonable; the task now is to figure out how to take what you have and make it work. Your child will benefit SO MUCH from a harmonious family, moreso perhaps than the she will from a consistent but tense environment.

 

I agree that it would be much better if we could get along better. That is why I was seeking some advice. I am not unwilling to change, it just takes awhile. :001_smile:

 

 

Has that been explicitly communicated to them, in a non-confrontational way outside of a "heat of the moment" situation? Maybe it's just a matter of differing family dynamics, and it just needs to be assertively communicated in a way that doesn't put them on the defense.

 

This is one of the things I have talked with dh about over and over. I would much rather him deal with this issue with his mom in particular. But he hasn't done it.

 

Since you have a toddler, you're experienced in calmly repeating yourself LOL. I spoke to my ILs as though they were toddlers. Not in tone, mind you, but in spirit. I used small words, a calm tone of voice, and repeated the same phrases over and over. "You don't have to agree, but you have to respect our decisions. We might learn some things the hard way, and you might learn some things a new way. You didn't raise a fool, nor did I marry one."

 

I have had conversations with her over similar issues like giving unsolicited advice on everything in a non heated discussion. I didn't say it this way, but I said that I find it much better to keep my mouth shut unless asked when she said that she just has to speak her mind.

 

 

This reminds me of my marriage. My MIL is passive-aggressive, manipulative, and controlling. Her son (my husband) loves her but he can't stand her and avoids her if at all possible. It's sad (to me). I used to get so upset with him for being "so mean" to his mother, but after enough years I realized that his way was truly the only way to get through life with her in it!

 

I had two choices: do what every one else in her life does, and ignore her, or RE-TRAIN her. It wasn't easy, but i sincerely believe we teach people how to treat us. I worked on her for years and she no longer pulls her garbage on me because she knows it (a) won't work, and (b) I'm the only one she has left because she's driven her own blood family away.

 

Part of the re-training involved also re-training myself, and my reactions to her. I had to learn to sometimes ignore her the way everyone else did (I just didn't do it as an all/nothing approach the way my husband and his sister did). I also had to learn to pick my battles. Instead of fighting everything, I picked a handful of Very Important Things. To me this was just learning to be flexible; it's the annoying part of being close with extended family, but the trade-off is so worth it (especially for the grandkids). Even if it's not always noticeable here and now. Figure out what where in the middle you and MIL can meet, and approach her with an olive branch and the words: "We both want what is best for your granddaughter ..." Explain the importance of your authority and how it can confuse your daughter when it's undermined in front of her.

 

I had been trying to let most other things go, but the one very important thing turned out to be dd and that has a big can of worms with it.:tongue_smilie:

 

I will have to think about approaching her as you have mentioned. It is something that won't be easy for me and I have to think it through first.

[Denisemomof4]

(But, you saw that someone had their hands on her, right?) I'm taking it that this was done in such a way that she would have been ok, had she slipped...

 

yes.... I saw this... but I think babies need to learn that some things are dangerous. If she's climbing a ladder with hands on her, she's safer. What if she sees a ladder when nobody is watching her closely? She'll remember that she's climbed one before, so why not again?

 

I admit I can be over protective with things, but that's because my kids have had too many injuries. I was just discussing all my horror stories today with the moms at swim!

[Mama Geek]

(But, you saw that someone had their hands on her, right?) I'm taking it that this was done in such a way that she would have been ok, had she slipped...

 

This is correct, I thought I had said that in the post discussing it. After she got on the second rung we had hands on her.

[Paige]

But she knows she has to calm down before she can get out. Sometimes it takes one of us saying are you done fussing yet.

 

I do not think that is a reasonable expectation for a 15month old. If she complies, it is because you have been blessed with a compliant child, but what you are requesting of her is still unreasonable. There may be a day when, for whatever reason, she will hit a wall and will be unable to calm herself down because she simply does not have the skills. She is a baby. I think it is fine to let her attempt to calm herself but if she is unable to, please don't think it is because she's being rebellious. Others have said the same thing, but it is true that with your first they seem so much bigger and more mature than they really are.

 

I think you have 2 issues- Firstly, MIL may very well be pushy and controlling. It's fine to set limits. I have had "the talk" with my mom and MIL about how they need to back off on disciplining my kids. It even grates on my nerves to hear them discipline my dogs! My mom responded best when I quit being snippy in the moment and sat her down and told her she cannot keep telling them what to do in my presence. I think you need to be direct about your wishes.

 

Secondly, however, I think you are being a little unreasonable and controlling, yourself. It's not unreasonable to expect grandparents to resist correcting the children and to resist contradicting your directions and discipline in front of the children. It is unreasonable, IMO of course, to expect grandparents to resist picking up and soothing a hurt child- even one who puts on a show- or who pick her up when she can walk, feed her when she can do it herself, and other little things like that. It's not a big deal. You may need to just let some of it go and let you baby being pampered and spoiled a little.

[Carrie-txmama2six]

I agree!!!

 

One thing I look back at with our 15 and 13 year old boys is that I didn't really realize how small they were when they were little. When they were 5 and 3 I had such expectations of them because they were so "big". Now our baby is 5 and I realize how very little even 5 is. I think it's very, very common to think your baby is so big once they aren't an infant any more. I see my brother and his wife talking about all these expectations they have of their 3 year old and wish I could explain to them what they are missing. (They have a 13 month old and she's pregnant also, so that really makes him look old to them.)

 

As someone else said, you haven't really given enough information to really give you any clear ideas of reasonableness or unreasonableness. However, since your daughter is your first, I wouldn't be surprised if some of what you might be experiencing is relating to what all first time parents feel. She's 15 months. She's A BABY. :)

 

I don't know if that will help at all. If you want to discuss other details I'm sure we'd be glad to offer lots and lots of opinion on here. It's one thing we are very good at. ;) LOL

[8circles]

Yes, you are being unreasonable. They pick up a baby when she hurts herself, and if she is fussy and wants something they give it to her. They sound lovely and caring.

 

You, on the other hand, are trying to teach a baby self control, delayed gratification, and other skills that are totally inappropriate for a baby of that age. I'd recommend some child development texts to brush up on reasonable expectations at that age. (that means written by actual academics, not Pastors or pseudo experts like the Ezzos).

 

I agree. Your expectations of your child are absolutely unreasonable. Please educate yourself as suggested above.

[SJ.]

OP,

IMO it is not unreasonable to expect your ILs to respect your parenting choices. My MIL gets offended when I do not take her parenting advice or if I disagree with her. DH thinks it is because by my not agreeing she thinks I believe she parented wrong. ILs can be difficult - it is best to pass the bean dip!

 

I know some children will have stronger reactions when they fall if those around make a big deal about it. Others (like Bub) will dramatically cry until held and comforted. Bub WILL NOT calm down and I always comfort him without making a big deal out of the situation because it is what he needs. He has always been that way, it is not a result of being babied. I'm sure you know what your dd needs in similar situations and if she is fine after a spill I don't blame you for not wanting those around her overreacting.

 

Good luck with this situation OP. Take heed to the PPs who mention not expecting too much out of your dd, she is still a baby and it goes by very fast.

 

SJ

[Mama Geek]

I do not think that is a reasonable expectation for a 15month old. If she complies, it is because you have been blessed with a compliant child, but what you are requesting of her is still unreasonable. There may be a day when, for whatever reason, she will hit a wall and will be unable to calm herself down because she simply does not have the skills. She is a baby. I think it is fine to let her attempt to calm herself but if she is unable to, please don't think it is because she's being rebellious. Others have said the same thing, but it is true that with your first they seem so much bigger and more mature than they really are.

 

That is why we will give her the out by saying are you done fussing yet. A lot of times she calms down, but now and then she needs the little bit extra.

 

I think you have 2 issues- Firstly, MIL may very well be pushy and controlling. It's fine to set limits. I have had "the talk" with my mom and MIL about how they need to back off on disciplining my kids. It even grates on my nerves to hear them discipline my dogs! My mom responded best when I quit being snippy in the moment and sat her down and told her she cannot keep telling them what to do in my presence. I think you need to be direct about your wishes.

 

Secondly, however, I think you are being a little unreasonable and controlling, yourself. It's not unreasonable to expect grandparents to resist correcting the children and to resist contradicting your directions and discipline in front of the children. It is unreasonable, IMO of course, to expect grandparents to resist picking up and soothing a hurt child- even one who puts on a show- or who pick her up when she can walk, feed her when she can do it herself, and other little things like that. It's not a big deal. You may need to just let some of it go and let you baby being pampered and spoiled a little.

 

I really don't mind them picking her up or feeding her, playing with her, reading books to her and that sort of thing. My dh and I do need to sit down with them and discuss not contradicting us in front of dd. I think when dh gets back I will talk to him about that and it would be much better if both of us were there to discuss this.

[bzymom]

I learned after many years of stress and some battles that the love and security of being loved by so many easily outweighed any negative impact our different styles may have produced.

 

In other words, pick your battles. I did not let grandparents allow outrageous behaviors, but I accepted that my peanuts might have ice cream at lunch when the GPs were around, or end the night being rocked for an hour instead of put down in their crib when sleepy. None of it caused great confusion for the kids. None expected me to begin offering ice cream lunches, or rocking for hours. And all of it made great memories of loving moments with their grandparents for the kids.

[2squared]

That is why we will give her the out by saying are you done fussing yet. A lot of times she calms down, but now and then she needs the little bit extra.

 

All my children have needed, at times, for me to physically hold them to help them calm down. Sometimes they just can't do it themselves, and sometimes they just need to be held and loved. Expecting a 15mo to be able to always calm herself is unreasonable. I don't baby any of my kids, but I also know that fostering physical closeness in times of need (their perceived need, not my assessment of their need) ties heartstrings and bonds them to me.

 

Fast forward to the teen years when your sweet teen daughter has her heart broken over something that seems trivial to you but means the world to her. Wouldn't it be wonderful if she wanted to come to you for comfort and a loving hug? I remember those teen years and how overwhelming things were.

[BarbecueMom]

yes.... I saw this... but I think babies need to learn that some things are dangerous. If she's climbing a ladder with hands on her, she's safer. What if she sees a ladder when nobody is watching her closely? She'll remember that she's climbed one before, so why not again?

 

I admit I can be over protective with things, but that's because my kids have had too many injuries. I was just discussing all my horror stories today with the moms at swim!

 

Don't most kids climb ladders at playgrounds? Mine are 3 and 2-this-week, and have "outgrown" the 2-5 year old section. They've climbed ladders and rock walls since they could walk. We spot them and keep our hands on them (less so with the 3yo) but we don't leave them unsupervised around regular household ladders. *I* am tempted to climb those giant rolling stairs at Lowe's, even though I've never done it.

 

I don't have a MIL, but injuries/falling was something my mom had to work on not overreacting to. When DS3 was about 15 months, he tripped and fell onto a table corner. He was within arms reach, so I picked him up and held him, checked for blood, comforted him. Meanwhile, my mom freaked out, started jumping around making this odd "whooping" sound, covering her mouth with her hands. You thought she'd seen a plane crash. I was trying to calm DS, and he took one look at her and started REALLY screaming and crying. It's not so much the attention and "coddling" that are bothersome, but the "grandparent panic over everything" that escalates a situation and makes it really hard to calm and assess a hurt child.

[justamouse]

She is 15 *months*.

 

In 15 years, she will be wanting to be VERY independent of you. And, she may live to be 90 or older, many, many years to be a strong independent woman.

 

You want her to be independent now? She's not yet two.

 

When you say you don't want them to contradict you in front of her--because she can understand you? You tell her to stop fussing before she comes out of the play pen? She's SUPPOSED to fuss. That's how they communicate.

 

I'm trying to wrap my brain around your motivation, here. You want her to grow up fast? You want her to be disciplined? You want her to be gifted?

 

I think your fear of is getting the better of you here, and pushing you much further than you should go. Get some books on attachment parenting, perhaps?

[HS Mom in NC]

If you can't be dependent at 15 months, when can you be?

 

What means of communication from a 15 month old are acceptable to you?

 

I think it's useful to calmly check out a 15 month old falling on the tile. A quick hug coupled with, "you're ok" is fine if there's no problem. I agree not acting upset about it but.... my middle child slipped on tile in the bathroom and hit her head when she was 7. The rest of us were out in the pool with the other kids. When we came in a few minutes later she was dazed, couldn't understand what we were saying to her,didn't know where she was (at Gramma's,) a few minutes later lost her hearing temporarily (due to temporary swelling in her brain pressing on a particular nerve,) projectile vomited, and had to go the emergency room for a brain scan because on rare occassions it causes brain bleeds that can be fatal (Natasha Richardon for example.)

[Jean in Newcastle]

If my memory is correct (and I'm not mixing you up with someone else) your ILs are from another culture from you, right? My ILs are extremely expressive with babies and small children - the kind of squeal and pinch them on the cheek kind of expressive that makes me cringe. They didn't hold my babies "right" (didn't support the head as carefully as I like) and had major problems with my parenting even though my American friends have never had any problems with it.

 

I had to learn to pick my battles with them. The supported neck was nonnegotiable, life preservers in their pool were nonnegotiable, no dairy due to allergies was nonnegotiable (despite the assurances that "it wasn't dairy it was ice cream":rolleyes:) - these were things that were seen as overprotective by them but I didn't care because I see them as safety issues. Cooing over every thing, letting them watch the Disney channel (while not my favorite), getting them inappropriate toys (which were quietly retired but never made an issue) - those my kids have learned are "just Grandma and Grandpa". They were able to make that distinction fairly early.

[tex-mex]

Your dd is only 15 mths old, and already her independence is an issue?

 

Sorry, but for a 15 mth old, I think 'babying' her is a completely normal thing, esp for a grandparent to do.

 

:iagree: