I.Dup. Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 We have gotten to know this large, homeschooling family through contacts when I was searching for a babysitter. Their oldest child helped me when I was pregnant 2 years ago (she is now married and moved away), and 2 of their other girls have been helping me recently. The problem is, these 2 girls do not really have personal hygiene, from what I can tell. After they leave, I have to air out the house for awhile. :001_unsure: It does not seem that they use deodorant or take regular showers. They are a very nice family, VERY meek and pretty poor. These girls are quiet as mice and seem very shy, they have not been taught the greatest social skills I guess, and do not interact very easily. I feel bad for them, I know the older one would like to get married...I guess I'm wondering if I should mention something or give them a gift of some sort that would encourage better personal hygiene? I don't want to embarrass them and I'm not sure giving them a gift of body lotions and shower gels or whatever would *teach* them how to take care of themselves in this way...? WWYD? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 How old are they? I'm wondering if you could ask them to host a 'make over' day for your dd..."Please come over with your hair still damp from your shower, we're having a spa/make over day!" Experiment with hair styles, light make up, scent, etc. Then give them a gift bag/basket to take home as a thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 We have gotten to know this large, homeschooling family through contacts when I was searching for a babysitter. Their oldest child helped me when I was pregnant 2 years ago (she is now married and moved away), and 2 of their other girls have been helping me recently. The problem is, these 2 girls do not really have personal hygiene, from what I can tell. After they leave, I have to air out the house for awhile. :001_unsure: It does not seem that they use deodorant or take regular showers. They are a very nice family, VERY meek and pretty poor. These girls are quiet as mice and seem very shy, they have not been taught the greatest social skills I guess, and do not interact very easily. I feel bad for them, I know the older one would like to get married...I guess I'm wondering if I should mention something or give them a gift of some sort that would encourage better personal hygiene? I don't want to embarrass them and I'm not sure giving them a gift of body lotions and shower gels or whatever would *teach* them how to take care of themselves in this way...? WWYD? I think I would leave this book around when they're visiting your home, and then I'd also find an excuse to give those girls some good-smelling body wash, deodorant, etc, maybe just say it's extra stuff you had and you thought they might be able to use it? http://www.amazon.com/Care-Keeping-Collection-American-Girl/dp/1593697635/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1316713662&sr=8-1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I.Dup. Posted September 22, 2011 Author Share Posted September 22, 2011 I think they are 18 and 20. Those American Girl books are a great idea. They also have a couple of younger sisters that I'm sure could use help someday, too. Hmmmm.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 If they are really poor, they may not have money for toiletries. Deodorant etc. is a luxury if you are just trying to have food on the table. You can't eat deodorant. Giving them some "extras" is a good idea. I might mix in some other things so that it doesn't seem like all you are giving them is toiletries. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 Is their mother well-groomed? What is the appearance culture of their church? Is unattractiveness seen as a virtue? I love the idea of inviting them for a Spa Day but I would want to make sure that fancy hairstyles and makeup weren't taboo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 If they are really poor, they may not have money for toiletries. Deodorant etc. is a luxury if you are just trying to have food on the table. You can't eat deodorant. Giving them some "extras" is a good idea. I might mix in some other things so that it doesn't seem like all you are giving them is toiletries. Good idea. It could be presented as a thank-you for being such good helpers at your house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyTompkins Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 It could be a conscious choice as well. Perhaps they are into healthful living and avoid deodorant because most commercial brands contain the dangerous metal, aluminum? They do sell natural deodorants in most stores with no aluminum. Also, I would keep in mind that the American Girls books could be offensive for a few reasons depending on their worldview. The company is affiliated with a controversial organization, Girls Inc.. Just food for thought if the family is conservative, Christian, or into natural living. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FO4UR Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 If they are really poor, they may not have money for toiletries. Deodorant etc. is a luxury if you are just trying to have food on the table. You can't eat deodorant. Giving them some "extras" is a good idea. I might mix in some other things so that it doesn't seem like all you are giving them is toiletries. Those are my thoughts. They may not have enough $ to pay the water bill if everyone showers daily kwim. They may not be able to afford to do laundry regularly. These basic things do cost $. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 It could be a conscious choice as well. Perhaps they are into healthful living and avoid deodorant because most commercial brands contain the dangerous metal, aluminum? They do sell natural deodorants in most stores with no aluminum. Also, I would keep in mind that the American Girls books could be offensive for a few reasons depending on their worldview. The company is affiliated with a controversial organization, Girls Inc.. Just food for thought if the family is conservative, Christian, or into natural living. :) I've been thinking along these lines, too. It is probably 'just' poverty and ignorance, going on my experience living among very, very poor people. Not uncommon. If that's the case, cheerful and informal classes involving more girls than just them (and gift baskets) would be very appropriate and almost certainly well-received. If it is something else, I'd want to find out before proceeding. I thought of the religious angle but I didn't think the family might be struggling with meeting their ethical ideals. Maybe Mom doesn't know that hair can be washed with baking soda and vinegar, or that Tom's of Maine has aluminum-free deodorant and can be found in the grocery store. Crystal deodorant is available everywhere, too. Maybe they've never googled, "homemade deodorant" to find alternative methods. Maybe the girls have environmental allergies and can't afford the particular toiletries that don't cause rashes or whatever. I've BTDT and it is awful. (I certainly didn't abandon hygiene, but I went through horrible and sometimes painful trials of cheaper soaps, shampoos and lotions to find workable stuff I could afford.) Obviously they need help. The question is, what kind of help? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bairnmama Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 I had a close friend back in high school that had serious hygiene (smell) issues. One day I mentioned in a "thought you'd like to know" kind of way that she might search for a different deodorant because the one she was using wasn't really doing its job. She was very grateful and it solved the problem. We were either juniors or seniors at the time. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth in MN Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 If they are really poor, they may not have money for toiletries. Deodorant etc. is a luxury if you are just trying to have food on the table. You can't eat deodorant. Giving them some "extras" is a good idea. I might mix in some other things so that it doesn't seem like all you are giving them is toiletries. Not only is this true, but bring up the issue would be horrific if this is the case. When people struggle to eat a water bill is ugly when you shower daily. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 (edited) Those are my thoughts. They may not have enough $ to pay the water bill if everyone showers daily kwim. They may not be able to afford to do laundry regularly. These basic things do cost $. My family of origin had issues of this kind but managed thanks to a very determined mother. We would not have been offended by kindly-meant offers of help. (My mom kept us very clean but was unable to clothe us very well, and people did sometimes notice and help.) The potential rebuff is worth the risk for the good that you might be able to do. Edited September 22, 2011 by Tibbie Dunbar had posted TMI Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 If they are really poor, they may not have money for toiletries. Deodorant etc. is a luxury if you are just trying to have food on the table. You can't eat deodorant. Giving them some "extras" is a good idea. I might mix in some other things so that it doesn't seem like all you are giving them is toiletries. :iagree: I was so excited last week when my mom bought me some groceries and included deodorant in it. I had not had any for a month. I still shower daily, but I didn't like not having any. When you have to choose between food and smelling pretty you chose the food. A little thank you basket, with "lotions and potions" and some chocolates or something would come across nicely to them without being offensive and without infringing on any beliefs they have of makeup etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyTompkins Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 Would it be out of line to gently inquire with the girls how you could help? Embarrassing and awkward, yes, but perhaps there is a kind way to find out that they just need a few personal luxuries? You could always gift them and let them make the choice... and if you could find natural products or even bottle some homespun items, well that covers that objection! your concern is out of love so hopefully they will feel that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I.Dup. Posted September 22, 2011 Author Share Posted September 22, 2011 Would it be out of line to gently inquire with the girls how you could help? Embarrassing and awkward, yes, but perhaps there is a kind way to find out that they just need a few personal luxuries? Yes, this is exactly what I'm wondering. Do I just gift them with some soap and deodorant (although that doesn't exactly scream "gift" to me, lol :tongue_smilie:) or have a talk with them about it and see what I can do to help? The problem is, they are SO quiet and shy that I can't see they would be open and honest with me. Their mom is not well groomed, overall they seem pretty "out of the loop" regarding hygiene. It may very well be a water bill issue, I don't know. I do know that they are into natural things, I'm not sure that it's to the point they would be opposed to using deodorant though. I just thought of calling their older sister who I am pretty good friends with. Maybe she can give me some ideas. It's still an awkward thing to bring up though... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 Adding scented lotions, potions, and deoderants to existing funk doesn't make the funk smell go away; it creates a horrific covered-up-funk smell. It's awkward, but it sounds like you're a caring person who will bring it up gently and respectfully. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 I do know that they are into natural things, I'm not sure that it's to the point they would be opposed to using deodorant though. Deodorant would be high on the list to avoid, and if they can't afford natural deodorants, they might decide to avoid all together. However, there are cheap natural things one can use, even something as simple as baking soda. But water bill could add to the complexity. It's a difficult situation. There's a person (an adult) with really poor personal hygiene, and I just don't know what to do or say (probably nothing...). Others have known her for longer, and are good friends with her. I don't really know what's the situation is. I hope you find a tactful and gentle way to approach them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pam L in Mid Tenn Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 It is possible to "sponge-off" the more important places without a full bath or shower. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eloquacious Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 If the natural issue is a problem, then the one included in the gift bag could be Tom's of Maine or something similar. There are also crystal deodorants... Thai Crystal, I think? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetMissMagnolia Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 QUOTED------I just thought of calling their older sister who I am pretty good friends with. Maybe she can give me some ideas. It's still an awkward thing to bring up though... :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I.Dup. Posted September 22, 2011 Author Share Posted September 22, 2011 Adding scented lotions, potions, and deoderants to existing funk doesn't make the funk smell go away; it creates a horrific covered-up-funk smell. Yes that is exactly what I was thinking...personal hygiene needs to be taught to an extent, right? And I'm not sure they were ever taught. I'm also not sure I want to take on that job, LOL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 Not only is this true, but bring up the issue would be horrific if this is the case. When people struggle to eat a water bill is ugly when you shower daily. One doesn't need to shower daily in order not to smell. I wasn't able to take showers for 3 months due to a cast, and I could maintain my hygiene just by using a damp cloth. This is not a huge water expense, even for a large family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meriwether Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 When they are helping you, could you ask them to bathe your ds3 and ds1 and give them specific instructions? This is how I like this to be done. Could you ask them to make a study guide for the American Girl book for your daughter? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beaners Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 Hopefully the sister can help you out. I don't know how you would work this in, but I've found my body gets out of whack sometimes. It's usually after I've been sick, but sometimes it pops up if I change my diet around. I can bathe and scrub and put on deodorant and still smell myself half an hour later. I have found a cottonball with rubbing alcohol clears it up right away. Just don't do it right after shaving! Also, I don't know if you have drug stores with coupon deals where you are. I get all kinds of toiletries for free from CVS, Walgreens and Rite Aid. It wouldn't help with other expenses, but might be useful? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 Do you know their mother? Might it be possible to talk to her mom to mom? I do think sometimes families can get habitual about such things. When my eldest son got to be about 10 years old we had to readjust bathing etc because he STANK. I am sure sometimes he walked around stinky (and oblivious to the fact) due his mother forgetting to make extra time for a bath the night before. Now we are all adjusted, but it took a while. If I was the kind of person who didn't really care about such things, it wouldn't have happened. I can see how, with many kids to watch, it might get past a mother that her older kids were slacking on the bathing. Not all teens are naturally conscious of their bodies. I have a couple friends with teen daughters who seem to be in constant battle to get the kid to bathe etc on a regular basis. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 They may not have enough $ to pay the water bill if everyone showers daily kwim. . Daily showers are a luxury, but not necessary for being clean. Growing up, we had one weekly bath when the coal stove that provided the hot water was heated on Sunday nights. You can still be clean by using a wash cloth and a hand basin full of water. Generations of people have done this, and not smelled. I second the idea of talking to their sister - she would know what the issue is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 I think asking one of them to read through the american girl book with your daughter is a great idea! Then give her a gift basket of hair bands, scented lotion and body wash, and yummy girly smelling deodorant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rtcrmine Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 I think I would just mention it to the sister and see if SHE could discuss it with them. I think It would be much easier to hear coming from family. And if money is the issue then I would buy the products as a thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 I would caution against scented products as gifts. Maybe someone in the family is allergic to parfumes. My children are not used to scented products, and they find the typical bath products impossible to use because of the smell. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jallison25 Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 i think the idea of speaking with the older sister is a good idea! she could also give some insight on the gifting of scented/non scented items :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brigitte Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 Hopefully the sister can help you out. I don't know how you would work this in, but I've found my body gets out of whack sometimes. It's usually after I've been sick, but sometimes it pops up if I change my diet around. I can bathe and scrub and put on deodorant and still smell myself half an hour later. I have found a cottonball with rubbing alcohol clears it up right away. Just don't do it right after shaving! Also, I don't know if you have drug stores with coupon deals where you are. I get all kinds of toiletries for free from CVS, Walgreens and Rite Aid. It wouldn't help with other expenses, but might be useful? I agree that you should talk to the married sister. That seems like the best way to get the answers you need without embarrassing the younger sisters. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SeekingHim77 Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 Side question: Does natural deoderant actually work for any of you? I've tried the crystal, Tom's of Maine, and a few others but none of them actually worked. I'm back to standard deoderant now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Marmalade Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 When they are helping you, could you ask them to bathe your ds3 and ds1 and give them specific instructions? This is how I like this to be done. Could you ask them to make a study guide for the American Girl book for your daughter? I think the bolded is a really good idea! American Girl makes a go-with journal to accompany the Care and Keeping of You book. Maybe you could give the girls a stack of scrapbook-like materials and ask them to make a nice journal that would accompany the book for your daughter. At the very least, that way they will have read the book, and if they're missing any of that basic information, they will have gotten it themselves in a non-embarassing way. Plus your DD will get a really cool journal or study guide. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
linguistmama Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 Side question: Does natural deoderant actually work for any of you? I've tried the crystal, Tom's of Maine, and a few others but none of them actually worked. I'm back to standard deoderant now. This is the only one that worked for me. The shipping was very high so I ordered it with a few friends to split the shipping. It also took several weeks for it to arrive. But it was totally worth the wait, worked very well even on hot summer days. I made my own for a little while, but couldn't find a recipe that didn't end up drying my skin out really badly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleIzumi Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 Side question: Does natural deoderant actually work for any of you? I've tried the crystal, Tom's of Maine, and a few others but none of them actually worked. I'm back to standard deoderant now. Crystal works well for me--better than commercial products, in fact. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 Be very careful giving them gifts of lotions and such. When I was in 6th grade, we had a girl in our class that was so terribly smelly. She picked her nose and ate the "treasures" too. It was awful. One day, some of us got together and made her a nice basket of lotions and deodorants. We really thought we were being helpful. The next day, she came to school very sad and handed all of the stuff back to us. She said her mother thought it was "horrible" and that she was not to accept the gifts. It was so sad! :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 FYI, it is possible for a house to reek so badly, everyone in it smells. The clothes pick it up. Is this fresh BO, old BO, halitosis, a gamy smell (musky) or the breath-stopping homeless for a long time smell. Is it pet smell? Fecal smell? Mousy smell? Is their hair washed? If their hair and clothes appear washed, it may be the house. I wish you could waft some my way. A significant professional activity is diagnosing physical and mental disease, and also lifestyle, from how people smell. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 FYI, it is possible for a house to reek so badly, everyone in it smells. The clothes pick it up. Is this fresh BO, old BO, halitosis, a gamy smell (musky) or the breath-stopping homeless for a long time smell. Is it pet smell? Fecal smell? Mousy smell? Is their hair washed? If their hair and clothes appear washed, it may be the house. I wish you could waft some my way. A significant professional activity is diagnosing physical and mental disease, and also lifestyle, from how people smell. Wow. That is both gross and really, really impressive. I'm not joking, I really think that's amazing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mothersweets Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 Be very careful giving them gifts of lotions and such. When I was in 6th grade, we had a girl in our class that was so terribly smelly. She picked her nose and ate the "treasures" too. It was awful. One day, some of us got together and made her a nice basket of lotions and deodorants. We really thought we were being helpful. The next day, she came to school very sad and handed all of the stuff back to us. She said her mother thought it was "horrible" and that she was not to accept the gifts. It was so sad! :( Aww, that is sad. I do think it was very nice of you and your friends to do that for her. OP, asking the sister is probably the best thing to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 Wow. That is both gross and really, really impressive. I'm not joking, I really think that's amazing. Okay, now I'll lay it on: I can smell pseudamonal infection at 5 paces and an impending GI bleed once I'm in the room. One of my favorite stories from residency was being beeped down to the ER for a 5 a.m admission. I came bopping in, and as I rounded the corner, I suddenly stopped being able to breathe. The smell was so ghastly you couldn't force yourself to inhale. The huge 40 bed ER was deserted, the phone was ringing, and what stretcher patients there were were jammed in the X ray room, and everyone else was standing room only in the asthma suite. Right in the middle of this ER I'd never seen empty was one, used stretcher with a long trail of green poop leading to the bathroom. I dashed through and asked the chief where my patient was, and he pointed at the trail of poop. My patient turned out to be a man in a pink bra, pink undies, a sanitary napkin ("I'm on my period"), and a bushy beard. "I have," he gasped, "regional enteritis". He couldn't even breath. This was easily a 1000 square foot space, and you could.not.breathe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 My patient turned out to be a man in a pink bra, pink undies, a sanitary napkin ("I'm on my period"), and a bushy beard. "I have," he gasped, "regional enteritis". He couldn't even breath. This was easily a 1000 square foot space, and you could.not.breathe. Oh. my. goodness. I am speechless. Did you laugh or barf? Wait, I guess neither would be very professional. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 Okay, now I'll lay it on: I can smell pseudamonal infection at 5 paces and an impending GI bleed once I'm in the room. I'm in the veterinary field and yes, we can definitely smell pseudomonal infections!!! Ears ugh! Also yeast, diabetic urine, and gi bleeding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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