When do you let your sons use public bathrooms alone?

[Ginevra]

I am trying to embrace more free-ranging. I admit to having been influenced by Oprah horror-tales and the like when it comes to boys in public restrooms without a parent. I can actually remember an episode where a woman (I think it was the aunt) let the 9yo go into the restroom and he was murdered as she stood outside waiting. BUT - clearly, this is very unlikely to happen; having happened in the history of the world does not make it risky.

 

I think my older son was 8-9 when I started to let him use the public bathroom alone. I'm considering now, though, that that may be rather abnormally late. My little boy is nearly 7. When I look at him, though, he seems way too young! :D

 

I do remember two paranoia-affirming responses from Other Moms. In one instance, my little boy asked if he could go in the men's room and I said, "No, you can come in here with me." A lady standing nearby said something like, "Way to go, mom! That's right!" Which is okay but...well, how old does a kid have to be before the general public believes they can navigate a bathroom alone? In another instance, we were at a church activity and my boy asked a mom (who was supervising) if he could go into the men's room. I was within earshot and said okay, but another mom nearby raised holy hell. She leapt up and declared that as amazingly unsafe, cited the fact that AA meetings happen at the church, so Who Knows could be in the men's room!!! :eek: :rolleyes: Feeling socially chastized, I followed ds to the bathroom and made him go into the nice, little, socially-acceptable ladies room with me.

:tongue_smilie:

 

Sooooo...at what age? I'm also assuming some of it depends on the location. Small-town restaurant vs. International Airport. But when do you deem this okay for most locations and are you on the free-ranger side or the helicopter side?

[Paige]

My son is 10 and we've let him go alone since he was 9. When he was 8, it was situational. I may let him go alone or not depending on where we were. I don't think I'd let a young 7yr old go alone. My girls are young 7yr olds and I am just now letting them go into the women's restroom alone sometimes. Usually they go with me. With my girls, it is about 50-50 whether or not they can reach the water, soap, and towels because they are short. If your kids are larger it may be different but for me, it isn't just maturity and pervert safety, but also just the practicality of being able to reach things.

[pfamilygal]

My four and five year old do. But I stand outside and they have to sing the ABC's the whole time so I know they're okay.

[Shannanlee]

With my son we started at 6.5 but I made him check the bathroom to see if anyone was in it. If not he was allowed to go in and I would stand outside the door. He is 10 almost 11 and he can go on his own now. I think that 7-8 is too old to be in the women's bathroom for a little boy. That is just my opinion.

[Jen in PA]

My DS is 6, and I am just starting to let him go into the men's room alone in certain circumstances. If we are someplace small and fairly empty, he can go and I stand outside the door, within earshot.

[*********]

Timely question for me, as we are traveling right now. I was just thinking the other day when I took both boys in with me at a rest stop.

 

Dh prefers that I take the boys, because he says that men's restrooms are disguisting. (I'll just go ahead and take his word on that. :tongue_smilie:) But as I was shuffling Moose and Zee into the very crowded ladies room, I started wondering if any of the other ladies would think Zee, who is 8 1/2, was too old to be in there. Now, he is small for his age, and Moose is on the smaller side, too. So I felt ok. Also, it's not as if there's the chance they'd see any nudity; it's not the same as having to take a little girl into the men's room, ykwim? (Which was a MAJOR concern of dh's when he was single. Dh was always worried that he'd take his daughter somewhere public, and she'd have to use the restroom. 17 years ago, 'family' restroom were not so popular.)

 

Anyway, there's just NO WAY I would've let my 8yo use the restroom by himself at that super busy rest stop. But at a small mom and pop restaurant, with smaller bathrooms? Maybe. I'm CERTAIN dh would say he's still too young, lol.

 

Last summer, dss took Zee to the public restroom at a Cracker Barrel, just the two of them, where he taught Zee how to use a urinal (whch was Dss's idea). It was a cute (if not slightly strange) brother bonding moment. :D

 

All that to say, I'm thinking within a year or so, Zee will need to start using the men's room. We'll start out small and work our way up, so to speak. Honestly, dh is very OCD about germs (and I don't use OCD lightly), and Zee has many of those tendencies. So I'll actually be looking for situations for Dss to take Zee to the bathroom more and 'show him the ropes'.

Edited September 5, 2011 by bethanyniez

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Mine are 7 & 8 and over the past year, I've been letting them go in the men's room together without an adult. I do sort of peek my head in when they open the door, and I stand outside. If I haven't heard anything in a while, I'll prop the door open and remind them to wash their hands, just to get a verbal contact. Solo, I haven't tried yet. Sometimes, they want to come in the ladies' room with me, even now. So, I let them. My 8 yr. old is short, and doesn't look older than 6. I suppose if they get much bigger it will be awkward, but so far, no one has said anything to me about it.

[MamaBearMO]

It's totally situational for my 7 year old. If we're in town (small) and the place is not crowded, he can go in on his own. If we're in a city, busy rest stop or other place with a high traffic rest room, he'll go into the ladies room or family rest room with me (or my husband will go in the men's room with him if he's with us).

[J-rap]

It depends on the location! It's always trickier for a son of course because so often he is with the mother. If my husband was with us, I think he would go with our son even at age 10 in public facilities where we didn't quite feel comfortable. (Totally different from our tiny church where we'd let him go at age 3, if he wanted to.)

I remember one time we were at a big theater performance, and at the start they really encouraged people not to get up and use the restroom during the performance. Our 10-year old son needed to, however, so he quietly stole out of the giant auditorium. Within 30 seconds, a man a few rows behind us got up and also proceeded to the exit doors which led to the restrooms. You can bet I had my husband get up next and join my son in the restroom. Maybe it was a total coincidence, but we didn't want to take any chances.

[AuntPol]

I let my go situationally at 5/6 and always at age 7 -even the bathroom at union station in NYC at rush hour. I feel crowded bathrooms of many men are probably safer than a bathroom with just one man so it didn't bother me. At 7-8, I would stand by the door and hollar in if he was being slow.

[Heather in Neverland]

About 10 years old.

[danybug]

I have only just begun allowing my ds, who is 10, to go on his own this year. At times I realized he was getting big especially since he is tall, but I felt like who would ever say something when you are doing it as a precaution for your child's safety. Of course, he would always be in the bathroom with me and I just feel like in the women's bathroom there is privacy and what is anyone going to really see?

[jjins]

We let our now nine year old go alone depending on location. Most places we are, he can go alone because they are not too busy. However, some places are too busy... then he either goes in with dad... or if dad is not available he will grudgingly go in with me.

 

It is harder for me to leave him outside near the restroom while sister and I go in... and we need to go in!

 

I have found someone else to go in with the boy. Seems to me if you ask a stranger who has children to be sure he is okay in the restroom... then that is better than sending him alone.

 

Or person restroom experience was a friend of mine followed my 8 yr old son into the restroom... boy was using the urinal and another young boy (early teens) was totally leaning from his urinal checking out my son's "junk". So, my friend, quickly and loudly expressed that the other boy needed to "get his eyes where they belong".

 

My boy was told, if the restroom is crowded use a private toilet... if some is in your personal space or just makes you uncomfortable use a private toilet.

 

I never would have thought of this because I am not familiar with the use of urinals!

[Kirch]

I let my 7 year old go alone most places (and I usually let him go starting around 6 1/2), although I'm usually right outside the door. My 5 yo can go with him, but I don't let him go by himself yet. Part of it is that my 7 yo is really tall and looks at least a year older than he is. We've also talked about what to do if someone is bothering him. If he's taking longer than I think he should, I call in and check on him.

[Samiam]

I am more about location than age too.

But for the most, my 8 year old goes into the women's bathroom with me. I don't give a fig if anyone female in there doesn't like it. My child, my responsibility to keep safe.

 

Waay to many weirdo stories....they get smarter and smarter in their attempts to get victims.

 

Last year, a local TEACHER was arrested for being in the men's bathroom, sticking his phone under the stall wall, to take pictures of children in stalls next to him, in the movie theater that we ALWAYS went to!!

 

Just not taking any chances.

 

My oldest probably started around age 10 to go along in men's bathroom.

[Ginevra]

My four and five year old do. But I stand outside and they have to sing the ABC's the whole time so I know they're okay.

 

Now there's a creative solution! :D

 

Aside from location, it depends on how fast the child can do his business. Nothing like the experience of the mom standing outside, hollering "are you done yet?"

 

If he's not quick in/out, the family bathroom is the better choice.

I think mine were 8 when they became comfortable with the whole experience.

 

Free range or helicopter? I have an s.o. who has multiple convictions for child rape in the neighborhood and we're scouts. Buddy rule always. If no sib to go in with, mama watches the entry/exit, kid knows safety rules, and so far so good.

 

What does this mean? Does this mean you know a person in your neighborhood who has multiple convictions for child rape? Or does it mean your Significant Other has had convictions? And what does it mean that you're "scouts"? Sorry, I just don't understand the sentence.

 

I let my go situationally at 5/6 and always at age 7 -even the bathroom at union station in NYC at rush hour. I feel crowded bathrooms of many men are probably safer than a bathroom with just one man so it didn't bother me. At 7-8, I would stand by the door and hollar in if he was being slow.

 

That is actually an extremely good point I hadn't thought of before. Do you have a particular "prepping" statement you use to teach them to be alert to anything weird? I heard of someone who told her son to use his "Spidey Sense" and if someone made him feel creepy, just leave the bathroom right away.

[bagel270]

I have boys 8 and 9 years old, so they go in together, and come out together. Rarely do I let one go in alone. If I do I usually prop the door open with my foot and ask "are you done yet?" every 30 seconds.

[LidiyaDawn]

What does this mean? Does this mean you know a person in your neighborhood who has multiple convictions for child rape? Or does it mean your Significant Other has had convictions?

 

 

I thought it was 'Significant Other" for a moment as well, and then realized it likely just mean "sex offender". (s.o)

[Abigail4476]

My son is 8 and it depends on the location and the company. At a nice restaurant where I have a good view of the restaurant--I just watch him make his way to the restroom and back. At the grocery store, I stand outside the door and if he takes too long, I do the embarrassing, "You okay in there?" :D

 

At roadside rest stops or gas stations, he does not go in the men's room unless his Dad is there to go with him. Well, unless it's a one-person bathroom and I'm right outside the door.

[Harriet Vane]

I fully intended for my son to stay with me for many more years than what actually occurred.

 

He started feeling painfully embarrassed at the ripe old age of 7. I kept him with me anyway, and it was a constant hurt between us. Ds has always had strong, specific ideas about What It Means To Be A Man. By the time he was nearly 9yo it was time for me to admit defeat.

 

He has been going to the men's room alone since he was nearly 9yo. I accompany him to the door and as he opens the door I say, loudly, "I'll be right here, ds." I then stand there and wait for him. I assume that my loud, announced presence will send a warning to any freaks out there and I am right there.

[DianeW88]

Well, this very situation happened on the DISboards this week (and got more heated then I dreamed possible over a restroom thread, LOL), so I'll just copy and paste my little contribution from there. It's just another perspective of what you might encounter bringing your sons into a women's restroom. Also....I got to use the word "kerfluffle" in a sentence. :D

 

 

Well, here's a new restroom kerfluffle for you....and it happened in WDW.

 

We were in the women's restroom in AK and a party came in who had been SOAKED riding Kali River Rapids. The poor college aged girl was completely drenched and unfortunately......wearing a white t-shirt. There's a lesson learned.

 

Anyway, this was in March, and in addition to her shirt now being completely see through, she was freezing. She stripped off her shirt and held it up under the hand dryer to dry it off. A mother came out of the stalls with her two sons (one about 9 and the other 6ish...based on appearances) and FREAKED OUT that this young woman was standing there in her bra. Um, hello? This is the LADIES room.

 

The young woman was very gracious, and simply told the mother that she was sorry, but if she's uncomfortable with her sons seeing women in possible stages of undress, she shouldn't bring them into the women's restroom. She stayed there and calmly continued to dry her shirt while this mother glared and try to hustle her sons out of there. Her older son protested that he hadn't washed his hands yet.

 

Anyhow, just a thought for mothers bringing their sons in the women's room. Don't be surprised at what THEY might see.

 

And, in case anyone cares (and I'm pretty sure you don't, LOL), my kids started going to gender appropriate restrooms at kindergarten age. My son absolutely REFUSED to go in the GIRLS bathroom after he knew there was a difference. LOL

[Ginevra]

Sorry to confuse you with asking for inferences. s.o. is sex offender. You had asked free range or helicopter...for me it is n/a because there is an active sex offender who attempts to prey on children in the neighborhood. .

 

Scouts - scouts are taught the buddy rule as a safety precaution. Works well with s.o.'s who like to kidnap off the street. (s.o.=sex offender) as it is harder to physically grab two. Doesn't work well for the husband-wife teams who have the full -sized vans w/no windows.

 

OOOOOhhhh. I see. Too many acronyms. :D

I wonder, though. He actually has multiple convictions for child rape? Is that really possible? He isn't locked up in a tiny room with bars? I mean, I have heard of sentences that are too light for the crime but still...that seems incredible.

 

By "scouts", do you mean like Boy Scouts? Or do you mean some type of neighborhood watch program or the like?

 

And - I don't mean to sound like I'm channeling the lady who wrote Free-Range, :D but how many driving-around-in-a-van-husband/wife-child-rape teams do you think there are? Not that it could never happen, but the likelihood is very remote. That said - nothing wrong with the buddy system, if there is a buddy handy.

 

Well, this very situation happened on the DISboards this week (and got more heated then I dreamed possible over a restroom thread, LOL), so I'll just copy and paste my little contribution from there. It's just another perspective of what you might encounter bringing your sons into a women's restroom. Also....I got to use the word "kerfluffle" in a sentence. :D

 

 

Well, here's a new restroom kerfluffle for you....and it happened in WDW.

 

<snip>

Anyhow, just a thought for mothers bringing their sons in the women's room. Don't be surprised at what THEY might see.

 

And, in case anyone cares (and I'm pretty sure you don't, LOL), my kids started going to gender appropriate restrooms at kindergarten age. My son absolutely REFUSED to go in the GIRLS bathroom after he knew there was a difference. LOL

 

Interesting. And a good point. The indignant mother was being an idiot. :D

 

And yeah, I do care about your last bit. :001_smile: My little boy also does not want to go in the ladies room and is very sensitive about gender delineation. That's why I'm asking. :001_smile:

[Cricket]

I believe I let my boys at that age. About the only place we would go to was the grocery store though. I always make the kids go together. I'd stand outside and get myself geared up though in case I had to run in there. Believe me, that is always in the back of my mind. When they were younger, about every minute I would call their name and have them answer. I had already prepared them that if they didn't answer, I would be charging in there.

 

You know, with boys, there is always a tree on the side of the road too. :lol:

[AvasMom]

My son is 9 and will be 10 in November. I typically let him go alone when we are at places like Target or at a restaurant. We travel on the turnpike a lot and in those big, busy restrooms he comes with me. He protests but I don't care. There are too many people and it's too busy for my comfort level. I'm not sure when I will let him go to those restrooms alone. Definitely before he leaves for college. ;)

[SweetMissMagnolia]

just in the past year my 8yr old has been reluctant to go in the ladies room with me so I've been letting him go into the men's room--but I"m always just outside the door.......

[Farrar]

Age 4 - I let them go in occasionally in places they knew and were cleanish

 

Age 5 - I expected them to go in most places, but if they were ever nervous or if the place looked iffy (like, the downtown library populated by homeless men), they went in with me

 

Age 6 - I expected them to go in unless there were extreme circumstances

 

Age 6.5 - I expected them not only to go to go to the bathroom alone, but to also go to the dressing room at the pool alone - again, excepting extreme circumstances

[mrs.m]

Sooooo...at what age? I'm also assuming some of it depends on the location. Small-town restaurant vs. International Airport. But when do you deem this okay for most locations and are you on the free-ranger side or the helicopter side?

 

 

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer to this one. There isn't a specific age. My boys are old enough when I say they are old enough not when the grumpy lady at the Interstate rest-stop, my friends, my Aunt Betty, or a forum says. There's so many factors to take into consideration such as maturity and ability to understand how to deal with a stranger and also where the public bathroom is located. It isn't just about strangers either. It is about them conducting themselves well in a restroom by not making a mess or a lot of noise, etc. (my boys are goofballs when together! It's almost better to let them go in seperately!)

 

So I want to encourage you to do what you think is right for your boys. There are always exceptions and weird stories. But they will probably be ok no matter what you decide to do.

[Ginevra]

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer to this one. There isn't a specific age. My boys are old enough when I say they are old enough not when the grumpy lady at the Interstate rest-stop, my friends, my Aunt Betty, or a forum says. There's so many factors to take into consideration such as maturity and ability to understand how to deal with a stranger and also where the public bathroom is located. It isn't just about strangers either. It is about them conducting themselves well in a restroom by not making a mess or a lot of noise, etc. (my boys are goofballs when together! It's almost better to let them go in seperately!)

 

So I want to encourage you to do what you think is right for your boys. There are always exceptions and weird stories. But they will probably be ok no matter what you decide to do.

 

 

Sure - not a right or wrong answer. I wanted to get a feel for what the majority thinks and I hoped to hear from some people who are toward the younger end (thanks, ferrarwilliams) to see how this works out in real life for them. I am leaning towards beginning to let ds6 go in alone, at least in some situations, although there's not a ton of opportunity when his brother would not be there anyway. It's on my mind, so I wanted to see what an overall lot of parents think on the issue. Naturally, what I will do ultimately is what I will do, the same as it was for my other kids as they grew. Seeing another mom flip out that I would let ds go to the bathroom at the church made me wonder if I was doing something way off the charts, but, after getting responses here, I think maybe she was way off the charts in her reaction.

[kewb]

I think my son was around 7 or 8 when he really started kicking up a fuss about coming into the women's room with me. So, depending on the location I would let him use the men's room. In the beginning I stood outside with the door cracked and made him talk to me the entire time. He really hated that but he hated using the women's room more. There were some locations where his wants didn't matter, such as the rest stop on the NJ Turnpike.

 

It was very difficult for me to start letting him go to the men's room by himself. I know it was more my issue then his abilities.

 

One last piece unsolicited advice for public restroom safety: Do not let your child use the food court restroom at the mall. The majority of drug deals, flashers, general bad stuff will happen there. Teach your children to go to a department store restroom. They are always located near the women's department and a suspicious individual would be noticed and reported.

[LostSurprise]

I have 4 boys, each @ 2yrs apart from the next.

 

When my oldest got to 6-7 he started making a fuss about it, and he's a very strong willed personality so for a year I organized my time so he would never be in the bathroom when I was out alone with him.

 

At @7ish I started letting him. He/they would have to check if anyone was in the bathroom. If someone was he would have to wait with me outside. If no one was then I would stand holding the door of the men's room open and eyeball men going in and remind the kids to hurry.

 

It was so rare that anyone went in. :tongue_smilie: As the boys aged I allowed the oldest 2 to act as lookouts for each other and I would move a little further away from the door (but still within hearing). Not quite as embarrassing.

 

Now my oldest 2 are 11 & 12 so they take the 8 year old in. The 6 year old is so unpredictable only an adult can go in with him.

[JennyD]

Age 4 - I let them go in occasionally in places they knew and were cleanish

 

Age 5 - I expected them to go in most places, but if they were ever nervous or if the place looked iffy (like, the downtown library populated by homeless men), they went in with me

 

Age 6 - I expected them to go in unless there were extreme circumstances

 

Age 6.5 - I expected them not only to go to go to the bathroom alone, but to also go to the dressing room at the pool alone - again, excepting extreme circumstances

 

I think that this must be one area in which having twins works in your favor. My 6yo, who tends to be nervous, is just starting to go in to the men's room in some places and he would be a lot happier if his 3.5yo brother could come, too. Actually, the 3.5yo would be a lot happier, too -- he hates being left out of ANYTHING his brother is doing -- but I just think he's too young, not to mention prone to freaking out about the automatic flush.

[happypamama]

My 6.5yo son usually comes into the ladies' room, but occasionally he'll use the men's room. Somewhere small -- he might go for the men's room, even if DH isn't around. Large store/airport/etc. -- if DH isn't there (or one of the grandfathers), he'll use the ladies' room. The one time recently that he decided he wanted to go into the men's room was when we stopped at one of the bigger local libraries. DS really, really needed to go *now,* couldn't wait until we picked up the books waiting for us and then headed down to the children's room, which has really nice, large single-occupancy bathrooms (and they don't allow children down in the children's room without adults). I waited outside for him, and even though I knew he could take a while, I called to him a couple of times, just to be sure he was okay. He answered back that all was fine, but if he hadn't, I'd have opened the door, called, "Mom coming in," and gone in.

 

I vote for whatever you're comfortable with. If it feels not right to you, then I don't think it's a big deal to skip the men's room.

[swellmomma]

Depends on the son. DS13 wanted that independance young, so he was 7 when I started letting him go in alone, but I stood at the doorway to it and talked to him the whole time. Now at 13 it is no problem. DS8 on the other hand is scared to go in alone, so he usually still goes in the ladies with me. This summer with him in a wheelchair we certainly had far fewer "looks" than before. He will likely continue to go in with me until he is able to walk/balance himself fully on both legs. Before the accident he would go into the mens room only when ds13 took him in.

 

Even now with ds13 I wait outside the bathroom doors (not right beside it, and not talking to him). If we are all going into the restrooms, I designate a meeting spot for us all so that those who finish first don't wander off looking for the rest. This is usually a case in a place like Walmart etc, and it is usually the pay phone or water fountain found right near the bathrooms.

[I.Dup.]

My oldest son is 6 and I am not comfortable letting him go in alone. My oldest daughter is 9 and she has been going on her own for the past year or so. She is also much more mature than he is though, and I know she "gets" our safety rules way more than he does (don't do what strangers tell you, scream, all of those basic things).

[swellmomma]

My 6.5yo son usually comes into the ladies' room, but occasionally he'll use the men's room. Somewhere small -- he might go for the men's room, even if DH isn't around. Large store/airport/etc. -- if DH isn't there (or one of the grandfathers), he'll use the ladies' room. The one time recently that he decided he wanted to go into the men's room was when we stopped at one of the bigger local libraries. DS really, really needed to go *now,* couldn't wait until we picked up the books waiting for us and then headed down to the children's room, which has really nice, large single-occupancy bathrooms (and they don't allow children down in the children's room without adults). I waited outside for him, and even though I knew he could take a while, I called to him a couple of times, just to be sure he was okay. He answered back that all was fine, but if he hadn't, I'd have opened the door, called, "Mom coming in," and gone in.

 

I vote for whatever you're comfortable with. If it feels not right to you, then I don't think it's a big deal to skip the men's room.

 

I have done that for my boys in the past, also for my daycare kids, I announce woman coming in if they needed help in the men's room (usually only an issue if they were sick or something of that nature, I do not wipe butts of kids big enough to go in the men's room alone ;) ). There has been twice when my oldest was in alone, that as a father and child were walking into the change room at the pool I asked him to check on my ds and tell him to hurry up. Usually my kids prefer the family change rooms so that doesn't come up too often, not like the bathroom.

[Homemaker]

Wow, I guess I morE free range than I thought. My son is 4 and I let him go by himself in the men's bathroom. I couldn't imagine taking him with me when he is 10! If I have to go and take both girls with me, I will go ahead and make him come with us because it will take a little while and he has a tendency to get lost super easily. So it is me mainly worrying that he will come out of the bathroom and "look around" and get lost while I am still in the bathroom, not me worrying that he is going to be murdered in their wihout me. In the free range book she addresses this issue...the chances of a pervert waiting in the Chili's men's bathroom is super small.

[Joanne]

I was within earshot and said okay, but another mom nearby raised holy hell. She leapt up and declared that as amazingly unsafe, cited the fact that AA meetings happen at the church, so Who Knows could be in the men's room!!!

 

This statement would, depending on my mood, make me incredibly angry or make me laugh hysterically.

 

The idea that church members are safer? :lol:

 

In any case, I hate this thread every time it comes up. The choices aren't "helicopter" or "free-range". There is such a thing as inappropriately restrictive (you CAN be too careful) and there is such a thing as inappropriately laid-back (you CAN give autonomy too soon).

 

The bad logic that is revealed in these threads is awful. It always seems someone knows someone who experienced an urban legend type bathroom assault. Sorry, but the math doesn't support it.

 

And it's also not supported by the reality of how and by whom children are violated. It is rarely by strangers in a public place. It's usually by known people, people you trust, in familiar supposedly safe places.

 

I allow my kids to use the gender-specific bathroom starting around school age, depending on the setting. By 7 - 8, I will not take an opposite gendered child into the "other" bathroom.

[gardenmom5]

depends upon where, and how old.

 

I have allowed my 6yo to use the men's room at costco (which doens't have an actual door and has so much traffic going in and out there really isn't time for anything to happen.) and the national park visitors center. I stand outside the door, and call out to him. If I could hear him, nothing untowards was happening. "I'm washing my hands. sheesh!" I did annoy him.;) I'd have men/dad's coming out saying "He's washing his hands", just letting me know.

 

I will not allow him to use the men's dressing room at the sports club (they have a family change room), but that's because I. don't. want. to. wait. forever. for. him. to. come. out.

 

At the zoo, I took him in the women's with me. If I'm going, I will usually take him in with me.

Edited September 5, 2011 by gardenmom5
typo

[Ginevra]

This statement would, depending on my mood, make me incredibly angry or make me laugh hysterically.

 

The idea that church members are safer? :lol:

 

I don't get your statement here, Joanne. I wasn't promoting the idea that church members are safer than the general public. I was noting that, out of the many situations that have a public bathroom, an activity in a church was low on fear-factor. I actually thought the other mother's implication that AA members are probably bad people with an eye for kindergartners was pretty prejudiced. Or maybe that's what you mean - that the other mom's reaction would make you angry, since she assumes that the AA people are the danger and not the church members. I'm not sure.

 

In any case, I hate this thread every time it comes up. The choices aren't "helicopter" or "free-range". There is such a thing as inappropriately restrictive (you CAN be too careful) and there is such a thing as inappropriately laid-back (you CAN give autonomy too soon).

 

Clearly. Which is why I didn't title it "Are you a free-ranger, who lets your toddler go potty alone, or a helicopter mom, who has to accompany your teens?" ;) What's wrong with asking for a general view of what other moms do? I did ask in my OP whether people tend towards one direction or the other.

 

The bad logic that is revealed in these threads is awful. It always seems someone knows someone who experienced an urban legend type bathroom assault. Sorry, but the math doesn't support it.

 

And it's also not supported by the reality of how and by whom children are violated. It is rarely by strangers in a public place. It's usually by known people, people you trust, in familiar supposedly safe places.

 

Are you sure you are actually talking about this thread? Who is citing urban legend bathroom assaults in this thread?

 

I allow my kids to use the gender-specific bathroom starting around school age, depending on the setting. By 7 - 8, I will not take an opposite gendered child into the "other" bathroom.

 

Ah! There it is! A response that coordinates with this thread! ;) I don't mean to bust on you, but your response doesn't feel like it matches my question or this thread on the whole. And forgive me - I haven't been involved in a thread about free-range bathroom use on this (or any) board, though it may very well have been discussed previously. FWIW, I did do a board search for Free-Range Parenting to see if there were a dozen threads on this issue, but I did not find one. The threads I found were (at least in the OP) about crossing the street and playing in the neighborhood. So, I thought it would be okay to talk about the bathroom thingy.

[Joanne]

I don't get your statement here, Joanne. I wasn't promoting the idea that church members are safer than the general public. I was noting that, out of the many situations that have a public bathroom, an activity in a church was low on fear-factor. I actually thought the other mother's implication that AA members are probably bad people with an eye for kindergartners was pretty prejudiced. Or maybe that's what you mean - that the other mom's reaction would make you angry, since she assumes that the AA people are the danger and not the church members. I'm not sure.

 

I was responding to the idea behind the statement of the "other" person; not you. I got by your emoticon that you didn't grant her statement with a lot of credibility (you eyerolled).

 

 

Clearly. Which is why I didn't title it "Are you a free-ranger, who lets your toddler go potty alone, or a helicopter mom, who has to accompany your teens?" ;) What's wrong with asking for a general view of what other moms do? I did ask in my OP whether people tend towards one direction or the other.

 

 

Nothing is wrong with the question or you posting it. It *has* been done here often, though. As a long time board member, I've seen this thread dozens of times. My answer was inspired by the content of this particular thread and the previous ones.

 

Ah! There it is! A response that coordinates with this thread! ;) I don't mean to bust on you, but your response doesn't feel like it matches my question or this thread on the whole. And forgive me - I haven't been involved in a thread about free-range bathroom use on this (or any) board, though it may very well have been discussed previously. FWIW, I did do a board search for Free-Range Parenting to see if there were a dozen threads on this issue, but I did not find one. The threads I found were (at least in the OP) about crossing the street and playing in the neighborhood. So, I thought it would be okay to talk about the bathroom thingy.

 

I tend towards Free-Range because I find it to be the most developmentally appropriate, but I find many free-range people extreme and odd. That is true of attachment parents and homeschoolers, also. ;)

 

Of course it is ok to talk about. And it's also ok for posters to talk about it having been talked about.

 

I realize that while some board members age, and their children do, we have an ever-increasing membership of parents with littles.

[Liz CA]

Surprised at the rancor such an innocent thread can evoke. Many subjects come up multiple times, so what? There is always someone who has not read it or has a new thought / revelation about some issue.

 

To answer the issue at hand, it really depended on location and gut feeling for me. When it took too long, I once threw a door open without going in and yelled his name. When I heard a response and glimpsed a grinning face at the same time, I knew he was okay. Even though I have no knowledge of any "urban bathroom assault legends" I would always rather err on the side of caution. How awful would I feel if something did happen and I could have prevented it?

[Ginevra]

I was responding to the idea behind the statement of the "other" person; not you. I got by your emoticon that you didn't grant her statement with a lot of credibility (you eyerolled).

 

Ooohh, okay, I see now. But, see, her reaction did make me question my own comfort with it. I did think maybe ds was way too young and I was way too oblivious to be afraid of The Men in Flannel Shirts who come for 12 steps. That's what made me wonder.

 

 

Nothing is wrong with the question or you posting it. It *has* been done here often, though. As a long time board member, I've seen this thread dozens of times. My answer was inspired by the content of this particular thread and the previous ones.

 

Yeah. My attention here waxes and wanes. If it wasn't covered during the summer, I probably didn't see it. I wonder why my search didn't work right, though. :001_huh:

 

 

I tend towards Free-Range because I find it to be the most developmentally appropriate, but I find many free-range people extreme and odd. That is true of attachment parents and homeschoolers, also. ;)

 

I see. I haven't met anybody who would describe themselves as free-range; I don't even think that term was on my radar screen until I read a book that cited the Free-Range book. But I did come to feel that way about attachment parenting as a term, so I get it.

 

Of course it is ok to talk about. And it's also ok for posters to talk about it having been talked about.

 

I realize that while some board members age, and their children do, we have an ever-increasing membership of parents with littles.

 

Yeah, well...I'm not one of the young parents. :tongue_smilie: Still, this is a good topic for "newer" moms to read and consider. I wish I had known earlier in my child-rearing years that proverbial pervs in the Chili's bathroom and van-driving-child-snatchers were exceedingly uncommon. I can't say I ever thought about the actual math of this until I read the Brian Caplan book.

[Annabel Lee]

It always seems someone knows someone who experienced an urban legend type bathroom assault. Sorry, but the math doesn't support it.

 

And it's also not supported by the reality of how and by whom children are violated. It is rarely by strangers in a public place. It's usually by known people, people you trust, in familiar supposedly safe places.

 

While statistically this is generally true, it's easier to say this until it happens to someone you love. There is that small percentage, and the people that have experienced s3*ual assault in the public/stranger setting, although lesser in number than s3*ual assault victims in other settings, do exist. They and the pain caused by their experiences are NOT mere legends.

[swellmomma]

Yeah, well...I'm not one of the young parents. :tongue_smilie: Still, this is a good topic for "newer" moms to read and consider. I wish I had known earlier in my child-rearing years that proverbial pervs in the Chili's bathroom and van-driving-child-snatchers were exceedingly uncommon. I can't say I ever thought about the actual math of this until I read the Brian Caplan book.

 

OT: but I still have an irrational fear of white "kidnapper" vans so uncommon or not I am still sure that anyone driving one is up to no good.

 

I posted earlier on about the ages for my boys, but my reasons behind the ages has nothing to do with the risk of pervs. It has more to do with their comfort level, their ability to take care of business/wash hands etc, and their maturity to not leave any messes behind (on the seat, TP on the floor, wet paper towels on the ceiling etc). In bigger places even, I am thinking of the time in the airport for example, it still wasn't so much about the pervs, but about the likelyhood of them going out the wrong bathroom door(in places like that that have 2 or more entrances to the bathroom) and getting lost. I give them the appropriate freedoms based on their abilities not the risk of pervs.

[love2read]

Nine is way to old to be going in a woman's restroom. Boys become super curious long before that even if they aren't talking about it. I had a 4 or 5 year old boy looking at me through the crack in a stall at a store once. His mom casually told him to stop and he didn't, so I let him have it through the door. Bet he never did that again :)

 

When mine were about 6 we gave them the rundown on what was normal and abnormal in a men's bathroom and how to respond if anything strange happened. My sons would walk in the restroom, leave the door ajar and tell me if there was anyone in there. If there was, we waited. If it was a crowded situations I stood outside the door and every 20 or 30 seconds when someone left I would shout in to him and he would shout back. Neurotic, maybe, but we all survived it.

[Ginevra]

OT: but I still have an irrational fear of white "kidnapper" vans so uncommon or not I am still sure that anyone driving one is up to no good.

 

I posted earlier on about the ages for my boys, but my reasons behind the ages has nothing to do with the risk of pervs. It has more to do with their comfort level, their ability to take care of business/wash hands etc, and their maturity to not leave any messes behind (on the seat, TP on the floor, wet paper towels on the ceiling etc). In bigger places even, I am thinking of the time in the airport for example, it still wasn't so much about the pervs, but about the likelyhood of them going out the wrong bathroom door(in places like that that have 2 or more entrances to the bathroom) and getting lost. I give them the appropriate freedoms based on their abilities not the risk of pervs.

 

Interesting. I just think of them as "plumber" vans, since my dh had one for his company in the past. ;)

 

Your second point is true - that you have to be reasonably certain they can handle all the actual business of doing their business. :D

[Liz CA]

Gardenmom5, I plunked my post down under yours but I am not referring to anything in your post. :001_smile:

[cin]

My four and five year old do. But I stand outside and they have to sing the ABC's the whole time so I know they're okay.

 

My friend always sent her boys together and stood right outside the door. SHe told them to scream if ANYTHING weird happened. Then, as they walked in she said, seriously, if something is wrong with my kids, I'm going in. And looking at some guys <slang for privates> is NOT going to be the first thing on my mind! Caught me off guard at the time, but now that I have kids, I understand. Even if they are both girls!

[cin]

OT: but I still have an irrational fear of white "kidnapper" vans so uncommon or not I am still sure that anyone driving one is up to no good.

 

And the 'mangy' looking perv. The stereotypical prev LOOKS like a perv. Sad thing is, if a perv dressed up in nice, business casual outfit and shaved and combed his hair, AND drove an SUV or a nice Sedan, would we even NOTICE them?

[twoxcell]

Depending on location my ds has been for a couple of years. If he does go alone I am close to the bathroom or standing outside of it unless we are at church or something similar. If we are somewhere extremely crowded or that I feel may be unsavory my dh goes with him. He would be mortified to go into a women's restroom.